Bullies are masters of activating stress and anxiety in their victims. They do this by getting you to engage your own stress and fear responses FFFF.

Today we’ll dig deep into that…how they get you to work yourself into a frenzy of stress and fear.

FIGHT:

Most people think of the fight fear response as actual physical fighting, but the vast majority of the time fighting comes out as resistance, refusal, or arguing. Of course it can also be straight up physical outbursts and fights.

Reaction is a form of fight too. In this case you resist the source of the problem, the bully, instead of resisting the idea of the problem through denial.

They bully wants you at zero or 180. Whether you reject your part all together, which means you feel powerless against them, and they can walk all over you, or you go out of control into a tailspin of emotional reaction that is immensely entertaining and validating to them.

FLIGHT:

Any form of running away is flight. This doesn’t have to mean you running down the hallway at top speed away from the bully. It could, but more often it’s you avoiding the bully or the feelings they bring up in you. And that feeling is called TENSION.

Racing through things (to get back to safety) is another form of flight.

Bullies pick up on our anxious need for speedy relief and safety. They love to keep their victims on the run instead.

FREEZE:

When you care too much, you freeze up. Worry will make you freeze your brilliant natural responses and freeze time, meaning the pattern continues on and on.

The freeze response can take the form of bracing, or white knuckling your way through every situation to keep yourself, your surroundings or the situation together.

The freeze response can also look like you icing everyone out, and disengaging with those who try to connect.

The bully wants you terrified of misstepping. They want you locked in a vice grip on the side of their mountain of fear and threats.

FAWN:

Have you ever been nice to someone to keep them from getting mad? Have you ever gone along with others so they’ll stick around? That’s fawning. You set yourself aside to keep others by your side.

Fawning is a betrayal of the self, however, it’s easy to see why so many people do it. Letting others have their way can be good, and many find it safer to play nice than risk disagreement.

Bullies want you to put them on a pedestal. You can never quite reach them because of their elevated status, but you need them and their approval to fit in again, feel safe again and get back to yourself.

Bullies will say mean things, repeatedly pester or bother you, lie to you, tell your secrets to humiliate you, shoulder you out, get others against you, spread rumors, physically intimidate you or even act out. They judge, sneer, taunt, fake you out, make fun, and whatever else they can think of to keep you beside yourself.

NEXT WEEK we will figure out how to flip each stress response on its head, and turn all the bully’s tactics into pathetic attempts.

This week, watch your bully’s moves. Are they trying to provoke a fight or a forfeit on your side? Do they always keep you on the run, chasing you down, ready to pounce at your every move? Do you feel frozen in time, like you can say or do a thing, or like you can’t even warm up around the good people in your life? Are you beside yourself from trying to please or appease them?

First let’s look at typical advice people give about dealing with bullies.

It’s great to know how to reframe advice to make it work for you.

Here’s how you’ll be advised to do by a simple internet search:

1. Tell a trusted adult. ...
2. Ignore the bully and walk away. ...
3. Walk tall and hold your head high. ...
4. Don't get physical. ...
5. Try to talk to the bully. ...
6. Practice confidence. ...
7. Talk about it. ...
8. Find your (true) friends.

All good advice, but only if you reframe it to your best advantage. Here’s how:

1. Tell a trusted adult—telling a trusted adult is great for support and ideas, but they cannot face the bully for you.
2. Ignore the bully and walk away—this means ignore what the bully wants you to do, what they shame or scare you into, and do some small thing that shows you don’t give a rip, then walk off in a mic drop fashion
3. Walk tall and hold your head high—this means be your true self without hesitation or apology when they question you, which always happens, so you have to be ready.
4. Don’t get physical—recognize a turn to physical violence as a move toward criminal behavior vs just a power hungry bullying. Never engage in physical defense unless you have no other choice to protect yourself. If someone strikes you, engage as little as possible to get away from them. Do not initiate physical violence.
5. Try to talk to the bully—Yeah, fine as long as you speak the bully’s language.
6. Practice confidence—confidence is keeping your expression aligned to your emotions. If you act like you’re fine, but you feel sad, disappointed, frustrated or angry, people sense the mismatch.
7. Talk about it—Sure talk/listen about the topic of bullying personally and generally, but watch what you say to yourself in your head. Watch that you don’t give the bully added power in your own mind by describing them as more scary or terrible than they actually are.
8. Find your true friends—yes, but remember to also let your true friends find you by openly sharing who you really are. Look around at others to find what you truly like about them. Remember people like being liked. Those who like the most people are popular by default.

The name of the episode is what to do and what not to do. What you don’t do matters most.

You must stop these three things today:

Being interesting to the bully. Fighting and reacting is the stress. Instead do a blank face. Nothing. Accept that they are a jerk, who deserves nothing for it. Give them nothing.

Changing for the bully. Avoiding the bully in any way comes out of stress and reinforces your anxiety. Instead face them with the courage to stick to your own plans whether it’s the way you walk to class, the styles you wear, the friends you choose.

Caring about what happens. When you care, you freeze. You have to decide to stop caring.

It really is simple to stop caring, but that doesn’t make it easy. You will only feel the ease once you fully commit.

People are afraid to unfreeze, to stop bracing, because they think holding on is what’s holding them together or keeping them from falling. A tight grip only keeps the tension alive. Let go and you’ll float not fall. Release the tension, pressure, and rise up.

It’s going to be scary at first because you aren’t used to it, but the worst you’ve imagined is not real. The only way to find this out for yourself is to stop caring and see what happens.

Body Scan Meditation: Many of us are on vacation and celebrating holidays, so this is a perfect time for rest and relaxation.

We’re doing this meditation today, so you can learn to relax into a stronger connection with yourself.

Over the past few episodes I’ve stressed the importance of self-acceptance to to point of letting go of what others say and do, and being able to laugh them off by laughing at yourself because you know deep down you’re cool with who you are

This is a main goal of the bully food challenge.

Just by tuning into this podcast and other learning materials like it, you show you’re headed in the direction of self-acceptance.

Self-acceptance leads to acceptance from others.

Why? Because the more you connect with yourself and accept yourself, the less you depend on others for approval, validation and connection.

The more you can manage your emotions, the more you share openly with others without needing them to respond in a certain way, the less their actions and words will affect you.

By connecting with yourself, you remove tension and trauma stored in your body and mind.

AND then you stop needing things to go your way because you can take care of yourself no matter what happens.

The more you reduce your attachment to others' behavior by connecting to yourself, the more people will want to connect with you.

One great way to do this is through body scan meditation. I’m going to guide you through one today that you’ll be able to continue practicing on your own daily or many times per week.

Body scanning allows you to notice how well connected or disconnected your mind and body are.

You’ll notice some areas of sensation and comfort and others of numbness and discomfort or pain.

Bringing your awareness to your body will help you shine light on the parts that need to be rejuvenated or refreshed.

Regular practice will help you pull your energy and awareness back to yourself, which will make you more aware, open and joyful. This will reduce your defensiveness, and make your more and more likable to all.

Let’s begin the meditation.

Popularity is how well you relate to others. Coolness is how well you relate to yourself.

You can be one or the other, you can be both, or you can be neither.

Coolness and popularity are not guarantees against bullying, but they add layers of protection that drive bullies away, which are available to you. Namely positive self image and an open attitude toward others.

Additionally popularity and coolness can be so elusive we put them on a pedestal—to the point that they seem out of reach, impossible to achieve. We only desperately want what we think we can’t have.

Desperately wanting either coolness or popularity is bully food bullies will sniff miles away.

Now I’m not saying every one of you is going to become the coolest most popular kid your school’s ever seen by next week. Or even that you need to be. In fact, you might hate it. Being part of the social elite is demanding, and those kids are weirdly advanced to be in that position. It’s kind of like being in advanced math…only fun if you’re prepared and still very challenging.

We’re talking about coolness and popularity for two reasons: One so you don’t get caught in the bully food trap of wanting to be popular/cool, and two so you can reap the benefits of being your own version of either or both.

Why? Because desperately wanting anything makes you try too hard and knocks you off your center of balance. It’s a weak position that bullies can exploit. Instead, I want you to know what popular and cool really are, so you can make them work to your advantage.

First of all, trying to be cool means you aren’t cool yet. What being cool really is is not caring anymore about being cool. Not caring allows you to let go of what you think you have to do, so you can be carefree instead. Everyone wishes they could be free to be themselves, so they admire anyone who can be carefree.

The key to being carefree is maintaining it. One slip into self-conscious hesitation will give you away.

Doing what others expect or prefer is good, but it’s never cool to do it to make them like you. Care about what others think to be socially aware, but don’t attach your happiness or self-expression to their approval.

You already have everything inside you others will love, and it’s all about letting it shine through. You don’t need to add something to rise up. You need to release whatever is holding you down, so you can’t lift up.

Being popular, on the other hand, is how much people like you. But the secret to this is actually how much you like them! That’s the part most people miss. They think you have to make people like you to be popular, but that’s acting against others trying to manipulate them. Popular people actually are the ones who like the most people, genuinely. How do people end up liking you? They sense that you like them. That you position yourself as on their side. Not by copying them or doing what they expect, but by finding what you appreciate in them and showing it.

Here’s my advice for building your popularity starting today: Find the kids you like, and also find what you like about every kid. If you can find something to appreciate about each person, you will be looking at them differently—in a more friendly accepting way. Combine this with being cool: Carefree about their response to you no matter what they say or do.

Remember, every kid at school is equally worthy of belonging and having friends. The kids you like most are worthy of knowing it. If they like you back, they are worthy of being your friends.

The more people you like, the more people will like you back. That’s what being popular is.

Never Nice, Always Kind is a bully food principle. If you’re a people pleaser, or you’re a little too nice, listen up!

Kindness and niceness can both be friendly, but they differ in depth. Kindness is friendly consideration, niceness is friendly pleasantness. Niceness can keep someone stuck in an illusion, and kindness sets them free. The other signal niceness sends is you think others can’t make up their own mind. That your way is the only option they have. People sense this and are repelled. They might even want to do just what you’d want least just to spite you. So what does this have to do with kindness vs niceness? Niceness is done for approval, so that you like me or at least leave me alone. Kindness is what I do because it’s right for me. It’s who I am. It’s the real me connecting with the real you. It’s no strings attached, but well intended. You give out what you truly want to share whether it’s a compliment for a friend or a criticism for a bully. The point is you’re not doing it to get something in return.

Mocking is the best alternative to assuming they’re kidding because it’s a playful way of being judgmental and showing disapproval.

If you can’t assume they’re kidding because they aren’t being funny at all, you have to use judgement instead. I told you that in the last episode.

When you can’t laugh, you have to judge, and the form of judgement that requires the least amount of effort is mocking.

Judgement is a powerful response to negative behaviors.

What do you learn in school about judging someone else harshly?? Don’t be that way! Be nice to everybody.

And the bully exploits this. They expect you to be nice to them no matter what because you always follow the rules.

Seriously think about it, have you ever heard a teacher say, “Be harsh back to that bully. Judge them!”? NO! Teachers will almost always tell you to play nice.

I find it’s more risky for kids to play nice with a bully, which is why I’m telling you to JUDGE that bully for their put downs.

You stand to lose much more by being MR NICE GUY than using appropriate judgement. You will be the bully’s doormat if you don’t.

When I say “Judge them,” I mean use critical comments and facial expressions that show negative but powerful emotions and opinions: Annoyance and disgust all the way to disdain and contempt.

If the bully never gets honest feedback when they treat others badly, they might never stop, which is bad for everyone, them most of all.

You are most helpful and kind when you respond honestly to people. And unfortunately bullies need a harsh form of kindness to improve.

This brings us to the best way to be judgmental of a bully, and that’s mocking.

Three reasons: Mocking is low effort, light hearted but hard hitting, and funny. In other words, it’s carefree, passionate and fun. Three things everyone loves.

Mocking meets the bully food principles in that it’s easy for you, giving little to no effort to the bully, and gets your point across in a way that others can relate to.

Everyone loves to see a bully get mocked for being a jerk. Do not make fun of anything else about the bully, or you’ll lose the crowd and you’ll lose yourself as well.

So what exactly is mocking or to make a mockery of someone else? It’s insulting or making light of someone. You can think of it as everything from ridicule, sneering, jeering, scoffing, misrepresenting or making someone a laughing stock or rudely imitating them. It’s shining a spotlight on someone’s shameful actions and unflattering characteristics.

In this case the bully’s mistreatment of you and others. You don’t want to mock anything about the bully that’s not to do with their treatment of you.

If you can’t laugh with them, laugh at them.

It’s great to turn to humor in the face of nastiness, and it’s even better when you can poke fun and laugh at yourself, but sometimes you can’t. That’s when you have to laugh AT the one who’s being nasty.

Mocking is a better choice than more serious judgmental confrontation because it allows you to retain the fun, carefree aspect while still standing your ground.

The bully will feel the sting and get your message, especially with others’ laughter to reinforce it.

Sometimes you have to step outside of your comfort zone to deal with people. This doesn’t mean you have to betray your true nature or go to extremes.

With mocking less is more. Even a little chuckle is enough to show your disapproval.

It will be easier if you remember mocking their bully moves is kind. It’s the kind feedback that will hopefully help them turn things around. Hopefully they do.

Most importantly, you will have responded in a way that serves you. Mocking is honest. It’s easy-going enough to be fairly low risk. And it’s playful for everyone but the bully.

People don't realize how much their comments affect you because they really aren’t too concerned over you. They are far too busy thinking about themselves. People are worried about what others think of them. They have no clear idea about how you feel because they aren’t you. So when they say or do something that stings, they have little to no idea how much it actually gets to you…unless you show them with words or actions.

Even more importantly people use teases and taunts to get a laugh. They think what they say is funny on some level, which means you can join in on the joke if you know how.

You can’t fake finding them funny. You have to get to an inner place of being able to laugh at yourself authentically.

Before I explain how to work this out inside yourself, I must say turning teasing and taunting into a joke is natural because they are both meant to be funny. Put downs that fall outside the realm of humor, shouldn’t be handled as jokes.

Making this work can be broken into two aspects: The first is how you actually feel about each of your own imperfections (acceptable or unacceptable). The other is how you feel about the person doing the teasing or taunting (trusted, unknown, untrustworthy).

The more you own your insecurities, flaws, imperfections, vulnerabilities, difficulties and differences, the more others will accept you for who you truly are.

Anything you believe is wrong or shameful about yourself, others will pick up off you, your actions and words. Once you change the story within, they will follow your lead.

Make a list of what others might make fun of about you. What they might have already made fun of. Give yourself permission to accept those parts of yourself by letting go of the unnecessary shame you attached to it.

You “go first”. You drop the rope on your end from the inside, by letting go, and the resistance or tension caused by teases and taunts will become comical naturally. Let the dropped tension hang in the air long enough for others to have to figure out what to do with it. They will always turn it into humor if indeed it’s funny.

You’re about to see this happen in your own life. When you finally drop inner resistance to your own imperfections and let that tension hang in the air, people will have to convert the energy into something else, and they almost always go with humor.

Non resistance is the way to let the real you out. You can never be truly seen, known or connected if you’re resisting aspects of who you are. People don’t have to worry about offending you when you’re already cool with yourself. Others have insecurities too, and they can be free in front of you. Suddenly the person whose judgment you once feared is now feeling comfortable with you, and they want you to like them.

The other aspect to shifting the direction of making fun and have it go in your favor is to change how you feel about the person doing the teasing or taunting...

When you ask yourself if they are trusted, unknown, or untrustworthy, you put the power in their hands. Bully food. Oh I can take this person’s comment as a tease b/c they’re my friend. Oh, I have to assume this person is dissing me, b/c they’re a stranger. I have to feel bad about the bully’s taunts b/c they are untrustworthy and therefore mean me harm. This is telling your lizard brain you aren’t in charge of yourself.

The only person you absolutely HAVE to trust is yourself. If you trust your own take on your personal qualities, you will be able to detach negative meanings, you will be able to find the humor, and you will be able to express yourself to anyone regardless of whether you trust them or even know them.

Resist the urge to define taunts and teases in terms of who’s saying them, and instead trust yourself to define them with your own level of humor. Always use humor when others make fun as long as you can see the fun too.

Assume They’re Kidding: Teasing vs taunting

Teasing and taunting are two very different things, and in this episode I’ll teach you how to tell the difference between them and how to handle both…luckily for you it’s the same strategy.

This is a multi layered lesson. To tell the difference between teasing and taunting and turn taunting around, first I’d like you to understand the importance of emotional self control.

With what I’m about to tell you and some practice you will Get better and better at not reacting. Reacting is bully food. Any time you react, the bully has control over you, which is what they want.

When you don’t react, you show you are above them. At a higher status. People can’t get to you easily. People can feel safe being honest and real with you because you can handle what they dish out good and bad.

Once you are fairly good at not reacting, you will begin to notice an even more important shift in yourself. In non reaction, you’ll begin to perceive things differently. You’ll see the insecurity behind others’ judgements and start to see the humor in what they say because you won’t take it seriously. You won’t take yourself so seriously.

The first step to practice being non-reactive is to do nothing when you feel triggered: upset, embarrassed, insulted. When you can reliably do nothing in these intances, you will find you don’t care about these mind games as much as you thought. The more insults you hear and don’t react to, the more your insecurities are brought to the surface and you do nothing, the more you can let them go.

This brings us to the difference between teasing and taunting.

Teasing is a playful game people who like each other play. They say and do things to gently poke at each other’s insecurities, flaws, unique qualities and even shortcomings. They do it to build each other’s resilience and open up as friends. This creates opportunities to say, I see the real you, and I accept you. It also says, I know you’re confident enough to take a joke.

Teasing is a way to connect with others. You need to show them the best parts of you, and you must also show them the less amazing aspects of yourself. AND the teasing goes both ways. Back and forth you tease the same qualities out of your friends too and they open up and relax.

Why? Because when we’re trying to hide something, we’re too guarded for the good side to fully shine though. The effort it takes to conceal ourselves is stifling and ultimately blocks people from seeing the best us.

People want to see the good and the bad. If they could only see is the best parts of you, then they would feel put off (like there’s something not quite right about you—you’re too perfect), and they’d feel intimidated. But when they see your shortcomings (and that you’re okay with having shortcomings), they know you can be trusted.

Some people these days are quite sensitive to the idea that teasing can be a good thing. They feel any negativity comments or actions should always be treated as taunting, which unlike teasing, is meant to be hurtful and cause harm. While it’s true some people cannot benefit much from teasing, because they don’t distinguish it from taunting very well, it is also true that the majority of people will open up through playful teasing if they are taught how:

First, do nothing. Say nothing with a blank face. Practice having no reaction to teasing/taunting.

Second, identify your most sensitive insecurities, shortcomings, flaws or unique qualities.

Third, identify the same insecurities and flaws in others.

Fourth, find the humor in the flaws (yours and others’).

This is where the magic is: The key to this part of the lesson. You have to drop the seriousness and see the humor, so you can take any tease or taunt as a joke.

Next week we’ll go over how to turn these feelings around on the inside too.

Two Kinds of Predictable: predictably weak or predictably strong. Either one will eventually send the bully packing, because bullies cannot stand being bored for long, but strength is by far the better path. It’s not only faster but you also get to keep your dignity.

So, if your choice is between predictably strong or weak, the obvious choice is strong, right? Why do so many people choose weakness? Because showing strength has an initial catch.

When you decide to take a stand, you have to fully commit. If you take a stand and then back down, that’s bully food. You’ll create a game of whack-a-mole the bully will find irresistible. This is a common mistake bullied people make when they are fed up and ready to say enough is enough. They stand up to the bully, the bully retaliates, which makes the bullied one back down.

This is why so many people who get bullied choose to be predictably weak. They don’t want to fan the flames. They don’t want to risk sparking the bully or spurring them on. They are afraid to commit to strength, and see it through until it becomes predictable, boring and repellent to their bully.

The reality is all bullying ends due to boredom. It’s up to you whether you’ll be boringly strong or boringly weak.

I know I’ve cautioned you against predictability in the past. That’s because you will want to use the element of surprise to occasionally catch the bully off guard. But a constant stream of surprises is also unsustainable, and even the element of surprise is predictable when it’s constant.

The element of surprise should always come in the form of you leveling up your own strength. Every time you level up and get even stronger, it will shock the bully and stimulate them at first, but ultimately intimidate their underlying weakness, laziness, fear, insecurity and lack of self-reliance.

Your response is everything here. You must commit! Do not hesitate or hold back at all. If you choose to show what matters to you, but fail to hold your ground, they will take shots at you and win over and over again. The only way you’ll get them off your back will be to make it so easy for them, they’ll get bored and move on to a slightly greater challenge. No animal keeps going in for the kill once the prey is clearly dead. That’s why playing dead is a strategy and part of the threat response, freeze.

We never want to default to our threat response when it comes to a bully, because bullies are NOT real threats. They are paper tigers.

If your response is difficult for the bully to figure out, and it’s strong and mocking (we’ll do a whole episode about mocking later on), you might entertain them for a minute because you’ll catch their attention, but ultimately you’ll scare them off. You will intimidate them, you will confuse them, you will bore them.

When the bully can count on your weakness, they exploit it until it becomes boring to them. Until they have squeezed all the power out of you.

When they realize they can only count on your strength, that your strength is consistent, you will squeeze the power out of them, and they will move on to an easier victim. Remember they want to feel stronger than you, and if they don’t, they will become “bored” and choose someone else to bother.

There’s another part of predictability we must think about now, and that is the bully’s: What can we count on from the bully? This is where it really gets fun!

First of all, bullies are lazy and fearful by definition.

Their laziness makes them choose easy victims.

The bully’s fear also makes them choose weak victims.

Cultivate self-reliance, flexibility and control over your own actions and emotions.