The Coffin Club

"Yeah your mom is, uh. Bisexual. Pansexual? She doesn't only like guys like me. I don't know why you're asking me this, Nancy.

Oh, the band. Yeah. I thought she was dating Lana when we first met, and I guess Lana thought that too. Got weird when I started hanging out. I think your mom made some mistakes at that time. We were pretty young, it was messy, I was doing my own shit and didn't...pay great attention to the two of them, and then the band fell apart...

I'm not, jealous. I get it. That's a part of what she wants, and I can't really give her. Being her husband doesn't make her any less...bisexual, I guess. I'm her husband and I'm also not, dumb.

Don't give me that look, that's not permission to call me dumb.

I dunno! I don't have a problem with it I liked Lana. If they're good friends, they're good friends, if your mom wants to...weeeeee don't need to keep having this conversation. What was the question?

Oh, no, you're thinking of nonbinary. That's kind of like when you're not a boy or a girl, it's a whole spectrum. Why?"

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"Oh god where did you kids find that record. You're all a little too young for that, heh. C'mon, let's go put it back in the attic, alright?

Are you sure you want to?

...don't tell your dad, okay? I mean he likes it, but. The swearing and content.

"The Screwdrivers" was a fun time. I think we could've made it. But we didn't have the money, or the commitment...it was a whole thing, we were already doing this the old fashioned way. We had a social media presence, but that's a job. And we did advertising, but that's a job. Only so many of us, not enough money. We had this run of LPs and that was really...it.

Yeah, no, I was good friends with those girls. Really good friends. Sometimes I check in on Lana; she's a session musician, she does good instrumental work still. The others, we don't talk or catch up. But Lana's still doing well.

When your dad was away, we would talk a bunch. Sometimes she'd sing for the twins. Help them to sleep.

You all probably don't remember that, huh? You might remember this song, though. That's me and her on this duet.

Oh it's called, uh. Girlkisser.

We can talk about it when you're older."

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"I, uh. I dunno what to say about this, Becks.

I did say you could use my card to order stuff online. I didn't expect you to sign up for a magazine, and...I'm not going to say money is tight. I am going to say I didn't expect it to be a recurring subscription, y'know? Anyway. I looked into it, because what the hell is "Grills & Grills Quarterly".

So. Uh. You're kind of serious about that roadkill cuisine thing, huh.

Yeah. I know. Food waste is...it sure is a real, rising problem, I could see it helping people. But like. Jesus kiddo I want to be supportive, I do, I promise I do.

It's really damn weird.

[exhales] Your mom is a lot more repulsed than I am. But I gotta have some limits for what I let you kids do. So I have a proposal, and I think it'd be helpful for understanding this. Interest. And give us the opportunity to bond.

You remember Aunt Maxine? I still talk to her sometimes. Hunting season is coming up. We can go upstate, she can teach you how to shoot a little, the three of us go hunting, and we bring what we bag to a butcher. Let you see how, uh. The sausage is made, I guess.

We'll go from there. It's. It's a weird hobby, Becks. Dip your toes and who knows what you'll learn from it. Maybe don't marry yourself to it if it doesn't. Work out, y'know?"

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"Sticking with Taylor. Okay. I get it. It's a good name. We got it on the first try, right?

Hey. You did a big thing, telling all of us at once like that. Takes a lot of guts. I'm proud of you, Taylor.

I'm not making excuses for your father. I'm happy he got up and didn't say anything. He's getting smarter in his old age and learning to keep his mouth shut. I am going to remind you that he loves you to pieces, Taylor. You being his daughter won't change that. I promise. He just doesn't understand it. He *will*. I promise he will. Your father is an idiot but he's not *hateful*. If he didn't love you, you wouldn't be his favorite kid.

Don't tell the others we have favorites.

Well it's not *you*, honey, you're *his* favorite, we can't double up and create a love monopoly. [laughs]

Come here, come here. You're not so big as to not give me a hug. I love you, kiddo. Always have, always will. I'm proud of you. Plus. I'm cool. I used to share a two-bedroom with bunch of girls. I'd help them with their shots or let them crash on my bed. We have to stick together or else we're all not going to make it.

Promise."

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Happy holidays! Jess, Lavender, Sophie and Bastion played Hypermall: Unlimited Violence by Rat Bastard Games. Massive, massive content warnings for violence and sexuality applicable to the game itself and Jess letting her id run free.

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What are they dressed as? I mean it's. Obvious, isn't it? Y'know, he's the leader, she's the lieutenant, there's the big strong one...

Look, ma'am, my kids worked hard on these costumes, and for you to start throwing words like those around-

I do, yes, we're in district, they go to the school at Twelfth, those two are in sixth grade-

Oh I'm sorry I thought we lived in America? Since when is there a cut-off for Halloween?

They're eleven! I don't give a sh-damn if fifteen-year-olds can go get a job working at Shake-It-Fast, they're still kids! Your lights are on, th-

Y'know what? Fine. Fine! I hope you like getting a bad review on BlockParty! Last time we go trick-or-treating in this neighborhood! C'mon, we're leaving-

I said we're leaving, you don't have to yell-

Morgan, try to look a little more upset? There we go. Perfect. Where the hell are Becks and Taylor. Don't answer that. The less we know the better. Sh-damn. Sorry. I know they had those big bars. I didn't expect her to be such a shi-stick in the mud, heh.

Where did you get those.

...I'm not saying don't put those in her mailbox but if you do, do not tell me. I'm gonna move to the next block. See you two there.

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Take another tissue. Take as many as you need. Misa's going to be okay. Shit like this happens all the time, Nancy, it's part of field hockey.

It was an accident. Everyone saw what happened. They're going to reset her nose, run some tests, she'll be fine. I promise it'll be fine.

Because it happened in such a safe place, is why. I mean. Yeah. You all tend to get the blood up on the field, but. It's just sports, honey. I mean, god knows I got in all sorts of fights in less safe places and came out of it okay myself.

I did too. Ask your father about that night we saw Broken Socket at the grindcore show. I have a reliable eye witness to some shit I don't remember. Heh.

Do I miss it? No. Not at all.

Maybe a little. Ha! Got you smiling. Look, it's...shit like this just happens sometimes, okay? Someone gets knocked down, they need to get picked back up. They need teammates or doctors or moms or whoever. I mean, how many times did you cut your knees learning to ride? You just get back up and keep going.

Do I feel bad about it? I mean. Do you feel bad about hitting Misa?

Alright. And that's okay. It's all a matter of perspective and intent, honey. Shit happens. It's what we do next that matters. I think if you go see her in the hospital and say you're sorry, she'll believe you. Plus it's not like you won the match anyway, her team did win.

Fine, no more jokes. I can be the serious mom.

So. What's the biggest sundae I can go get you that'll get me off the hook for those swear jar donations?

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Jesus Becky, I dunno why I gotta be the one doing this. I told your mother and she wanted to give you a high five. I think that'd undermine the point of this talk we're having.

God how the hell do I even approach this. Fuck. Don't. Don't tell your mother I said that. Ha. Sorry. Look. I understand, Dennis Hanson's a little shit. Don't tell your mother I said that. And I understand he was giving you shit. Again, don't...fuck it. This is serious, Becks. You put him in the hospital.

You really are your mother's daughter sometimes.

You broke your violin and you put that boy in the hospital. I know you're not, sorry. And I get why you're not sorry, I do. It's gonna be hell to replace that and find you a new tutor. If. If we let you keep, playing it. God, kid. Fuck. Fuck!

We'll figure it out. We'll figure it out! I don't have an answer for you, honey, I don't have an...answer to this.

You're probably going to have to apologize to that kid though. I know you won't want to. That's just. Part of how it's all done. Part of the ritual. Polite society. It sucks. I know, and I get it. A lot just, happened today. And it doesn't get to go away. We have to figure out what happens next.

No you, don't have to go to your room. We've said what we have to about it, what is sending you to your room going to do?

It'll be okay. We'll figure it out.

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You two are old enough for this talk. I love your father but he's not qualified to give it.

Things aren't fair. It's not that we're lucky; we are. God, are we lucky. I've got four kids I wouldn't trade for the world. I've got a husband I love, a house I call my own, a job that doesn't break my back, some savings. We're trying to play our cards right to ensure the two of you get to go somewhere like my Aunt Elsie did. We have all of this and it's still not...safe. It's not stable.

God this is a hell of a thing to tell you two. I'm sorry. But I don't want you to be blind-sided if it all changes. Because it could. The world moves in big ways we can't ever anticipate. You saw what happened with...with Mama. None of us saw it coming. We keep going, and we remember her and what we had.

Sorry. Please give me a second, heh.

I'm going to miss her so much. As much as you two will. God. Sorry. I'm okay. Things, uh. Things aren't fair. Your father and I want you to understand the two most important rules. We came up with them when I got pregnant, and we had to go from a couple to parents. They're simple and I hope they help you too.

First, the world's not fair. That's not an excuse to not try to be kind and make it better.

Second, if you have to be unkind or break the rules, you don't do it in the house. Don't bring it home. I can never be mad at that man because he follows that rule, and I do too. Okay?

I love you both so much. Whatever you do, I'll be proud of you.

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First of all there's a reason I'm the one giving this talk and not your mother. We're not mad at you, we're not even disappointed. It's. It's unfortunate this is how it all is, y'know?

Shit I kinda figured one of you might be a chip off my block. Didn't expect *you*, heh. Anyway, uh, here goes.

It's okay to steal stuff, Taylor.

Yeah you didn't really see that coming, huh? There's a part two to that sentence, but. Here. Man to man. Cheers. A small celebration for your accomplishments.

Alright. Serious dad time now. I don't have a problem with you stealing stuff. Neither does your mother, even if she says otherwise. The problem is getting caught and rocking the boat, okay? The way I see it is, we have what we have, and we get all this advertising online and offline talking about what we *could* have. What *others* have and we *don't.* And they try to make us angry about it so we work hard, y'know? "Fuck you, that's mine, I'm gonna work and save and it's gonna be my house, my car, my girlfriend!" They value property over people or try to make people *into* property. Always will. Nothing wrong with not wanting to dance along.

The problem is when you get caught and who you steal from. I've done a *lot* of stealing for you, for me, for all of us. You gotta pick the right people. Grocery stores, for example, have acceptable losses. Jewelry stores don't. Pawn shops? That depends. It's all negotiable and its all risky. A grocery store is safer but certain products aren't safe to steal.

Never thought I'd talking about one of you kids about this. Jesus. I'm not prepared for this. Ugh. My point is. Actions have consequences. The best thing I can do for you, as your father, and as a man who has lived through his consequences, is to teach you how to do it safely. The *second* best thing is to warn you about those consequences. Okay? If you ever have a question, ask me. I don't talk about it much, but I get it. And don't forget I love you.

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