The Colonel is on tour in the US so Mick McCarthy visits the studio. Sage struggles with this high tempered 'mans man' with his kipper tie obsession. Discussions include his fallout with Roy Keano, Mick's mother, River dance training and (of course) kipper ties as a force for good.

Religion, tickling Gerry Halliwell's trout and corrupting East End tailors... The Colonel is off on tour in the Americas or is it Russia so Sage and Crabtree have a goodbye sing song. Finally, we listen to a recording of Ronnie Kray from Broadmoor who dedicates a poem to the Colonel.

The Colonel recalls his nightclub days with the Kray Twins, Sid James and Barbara Windsor including the astounding tale of dead men in shoulder pads. Also on the table - nipple tweaking, Chelsea Pensioners and darts

It's be kind to Featherlite week... The Colonel believes Billy Connolly has become a priest and he recalls his curious visit to Ronnie Kray's flat... featuring Charles Hawtrey and man on man action

Mick McBloody McCarthy makes a guest appearance on the show. Lawrence Olivier shooting ping pong balls from his back passage and Bald patches in the pubic area

The Colonel's vision of Utopia unveiled - Candyfloss, cheesecake and orgies. Cherie Blair gets some stick, entertaining fuckwits

More preposterous tales as the Colonel continues his investigations into the Pubic placements... Keith Chegwin, Ben Affleck, Boris Johnson and J-Lo's knickers are all implicated

Tales of strange goings on at the Beeb and Channel 4 with deliberate pubic placements being left in toilets. Who is Pubus Errectus, the creature that haunts the Colonel's dreams? What horrified June Whitfield in the canteen and what links Davina McCall, James Nesbitt, Noel Edmunds and the Krays twins?

Before Series 9 starts we have some candid conversations: large proboscises, Yosser Hughes, Andy Peters and what highbrow discussion would be complete without mentioning rimming

Who's the better dictator - Robert Mugabe, Idi Amin or Simon Cowell? Does God get angry when the Colonel masterbates? The story of Viceroy Vickers.