Cat Stevens, split anuses, poor people and sausages, problems with permanent erections, how to make a slush puppy

Problems with Philip Schofield's poppers, Piers Morgan runs a Mosque, the English Defence League has tourettes... Roger Agogo goes mad

The Colonel returns with a new series... Secret lemonade drinking, The Duke of Wellington, hanging around lavatories, bloody Boris's pushbikes, trouble on the buses

Walking on the wild side with Danny La Rue, stalking Jennifer Aniston with Dr. Legg, trespassing with Wayne Rooney and kiddy fiddling with the Pope... all in a day's work for the Colonel

Before the new series begins next week, Ronnie and Reggie Kray enjoy a reunion. They discuss what a rubbish decorator Jackson Pollock was, cafes, Star Trek and Ron’s sexual preferences.

A drunken Colonel witters about taking drugs with the Royal family, his plan to take back India for the Empire and putting chilli peppers up the Kyber pass. There is a delightful summer song about self love and then the Colonel spews all over himself.

The Knob Brothers, the very aged rockers, are in the studio discussing their days in the music industry... old novelty records, Joe Meek, groupies, the management style of the Colonel and the size of their knobs

Sage’s attempt at a cultural film review has mixed results as Jock Spalding is invited to the studio to discuss Herzog’s Fitzcarraldo and Tarkovsky’s Stalker… then he gets his knob out and things take a turn for the worse.

Marmite bagels, naughty Jews, limp wristed German sheep, the location of Lord Lucan and golden kangeroo balls... the chaos continues in the last in this series... special episode next week!

Can Sue Pollard do the splits? Who does Sting think he is? What do Mossad want with Shane Ritchie? Are the Colonel's social policies too extreme? These and many other questions will be partially answered at best in this weeks episode... you can probably answer that last question yourselves to be honest.