My apologies for the weird clicking in the background!

Disclaimer: The Curiosity Chronicles are spoken by Taylor Cecelia Brook. That means you get her in her full form: Valley Girl who likes to cuss and talks at the speed of light :) I wont be offended it that’s not your jam :)

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good morning and welcome back to the chaos chronicles well you're on the curiosity

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chronicles my bad the chaos chronicles is my my sub stack i apologize for the

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gravelly voice and it may not even be morning wherever you are whenever you are

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listening to this but for me it is currently 7 54 a.m on a

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And I'm over here recording a podcast because everybody else in my house is asleep

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and it's quiet and amazing.

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And I'm putting off getting ready for work.

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Let's be honest, that's the real reason.

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But anyway, welcome back to the Curiosity Chronicles.

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Today, I'm curious and I wanted to talk to you guys about what you might want to hear.

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Now, here's what the worst part is when I do this.

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I ask and no one ever really answers me and I always really wondered that because

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like when someone that I listen to like regularly or read regularly if they want

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their input

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I try to provide it as much as I can,

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but I understand that makes other people uncomfortable or it's not their jam.

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I don't know, but I'm way too lazy to put together a survey.

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Maybe eventually I will,

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but what do you guys want to learn more about,

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about me or just about life in general?

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I'm really kind of a little unsure what to do with my portion of the

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curiosity chronicles it's super easy for me to interview people I'm really really

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enjoying all the interviews that I'm doing I've got like four lined up and it's

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just absolutely totally awesome um so and like next week which by the time you hear

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this it'll already be out

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I have the podcast with Gemma James coming out, and it's just so fun.

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I had so much fun interviewing her, and it's just been really such a joy.

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But yeah, I'm just curious.

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I think one of my favorite parts about Substack is...

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I think I have a lot of favorite parts,

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and I think I say that a lot.

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Anyway, one of the things I really like about Substack is...

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Like there's just so much,

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like there's so much,

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there's so many things and so many different types of people and genres and writing

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and storytelling and podcasts and vlogging and like literally all of it.

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And so I guess what I'm trying to see is like,

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what do you guys hope to get out of the Curiosity Chronicles?

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If it's just for listening pleasure, that's great too.

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Just let me know.

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Cause I'll just keep talking.

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But I know I had initially said I was going to do like a play by play of my life

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and it's really hard to remember everything.

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And so,

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I guess I will try to do my best with giving you a play-by-play for 10 through 20,

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which Jesus Christ,

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so much happened in there.

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It's really difficult because I literally said to...

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alexander porter yesterday yeah i think it was yesterday that so much i've packed

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an entire fucking lifetime into a decade but that wasn't 10 to 20 i packed a

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totally different lifetime into that decade um like a literally a whole different

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lifetime from who i was from 20 to 30 so and while most people think like oh 20 to

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30 must have been like

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the most awful portion like where all of the awful things happen not necessarily um

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while it was yeah lily was a big portion and getting diagnosed with a rare disease

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and getting divorced and meeting d and all that kind of stuff like yeah that

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happened from 20 to 30

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got married, all those kinds of things.

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But 10 to 20 was a lot because I went from pre-adolescent to full-grown adult in those 10 years.

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So from 10 to 13, that was fifth grade to middle school, I think.

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Because we left Kansas in 7th grade to move to California.

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Well, it was the summer after 7th grade.

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So that would have been 5th, 6th, and 7th.

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Yeah, so 5th grade.

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5th grade was the year I was finally allowed to start shaving my legs,

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which was amazing because I'm a hairy-ass motherfucker.

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And my poor daughter.

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Both my daughters.

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Poor Lily.

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Poor Lily.

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Her whole back was covered in black hair.

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Anyway, I finally got to start shaving my legs.

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And we had the fifth grade graduation ceremony,

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which was a huge,

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you know,

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whole big shebang graduation type thing that wasn't actually real.

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But it was fun and I have a lot of good memories from it.

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And then sixth grade came and I don't really remember a ton from sixth grade.

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It wasn't, you know, the worst year school that I had.

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That was when Hurricane Katrina happened.

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I do remember that.

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And that was pretty traumatic to watch.

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And I wasn't even there.

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So I can only imagine what it was like living there, especially after Jesus.

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So in my early 20s,

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I worked for a company that processed all of the insurance mortgage claims for a

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bunch of

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mortgage companies.

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Um, and my territory was primarily the Gulf South.

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Um,

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so I had New Orleans,

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South Texas,

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Louisiana,

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New Orleans is in Louisiana,

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Louisiana,

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Alabama,

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and Mississippi.

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I think those are my main States that I worked with.

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And

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just the constant devastation that these families were facing.

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It was just never ending for them.

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And I connected with a lot of people over the phone because of that.

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I remember so much from Katrina and just every, every single part of it, it was wild.

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The whole thing was wild.

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And I wish I could say it was the most wild thing we've experienced in our lifetimes,

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but any millennial knows that's not true.

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Um,

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And so, yeah, sixth grade was chill.

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I turned 12 that year.

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Um, at this point I was still a very highly competitive gymnast and that was sixth grade.

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Yeah, that was that summer, I think.

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Yeah.

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That summer was my first summer at, um, nationals for the junior Olympian trampoline and tumbling.

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Um,

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And that was the year that I got second.

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I think I got second that year.

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Um, so yeah, I was a, you know, huge, huge gymnast.

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I shouldn't say huge.

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I wasn't, I was very tiny.

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Actually, it was like five foot 90 pounds and skin and bones and abs.

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Um, clearly that changed.

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Um,

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But yeah, so seventh grade, seventh grade was a shitty year, a really shitty year.

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That was when we were I knew we were moving to California, but I couldn't tell anyone about it.

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Why?

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I don't know.

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My mom's always been super secretive and it's kind of annoying sometimes.

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But that was the year we found out we were moved to California and dad was gone all

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the time,

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which left my mom and I together in like one of the worst possible times,

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considering that I was still pre-puberty because I still hadn't started puberty at all.

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Like nothing, nothing had happened.

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I'm assuming it was because of gymnastics and my low body fat percentage,

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which is what all the other doctors said to me.

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But all doctors, not other.

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I'm not a doctor.

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But...

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Yeah, my mom and I did not get along at all that entire year.

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It was awful.

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We fought nonstop.

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We put both of each other's down.

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Like I would just say shit to her just to be mean.

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And she would say shit to me that I don't think she realized was putting me down.

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But,

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you know,

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and just feel the eating disorder type stuff and the feelings of not being worthy

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or not being wanted.

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And just like escalated all that to the point where I tried to run away from home.

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But it didn't work out so well because it didn't go very far.

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And my mom figured it out way too quickly.

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So, you know, that was just a really, really shitty year.

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I had a burn book written on me.

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That was terrible by people I thought that were my closest friends.

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I was very cautious with friendships after that point.

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I kind of isolated myself a little bit when I moved to California because I was

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very hesitant to have that happen again.

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And I had heard just horrific things about California.

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Turns out most of them were wrong.

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But...

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I also... This is really weird.

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But I had a stye on the bottom of my eyelid that went from one corner of my eye to

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the other corner of my eye.

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And it was so big I could literally flip it out of my eye.

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And it hurt so bad.

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Like, probably one of the worst things I've ever experienced.

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And it just made me look so silly looking because my whole eye was swollen.

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But you can't pop it.

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And my mom kept putting up taking me to my doctor because, well, she's my mom.

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And...

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There wasn't anything we could do except put,

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which I learned now,

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which also,

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hot tip if you get styes,

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don't use a warm washcloth.

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Boil an egg, because when you heat it up, it stays hot for a really long time.

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You wrap it in a towel,

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but you can also just stick it back in the microwave to warm it up,

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and it holds the heat a lot longer than a washcloth does.

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That was the only way I finally got rid of my stye, because you can't pop them, even though you want to.

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It was the worst.

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literally the worst.

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Um, but yeah, that year I also went to nationals.

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Um, I did okay.

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We went to Nashville that year, which was a lot of fun.

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I got to see the Peabody hotel and Graceland and all that kind of stuff.

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So I'm really, really happy.

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I got to experience that because Elvis has always been a big, big part of my life because I'm a grandpa.

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Um,

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But yeah, after that, we moved to California.

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And eighth grade, I didn't start my period until I was 14.

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And eighth grade was, you know, it was challenging.

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I was in a new school.

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Oh, I totally skipped the part about the bassoon.

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So in seventh grade, I started playing bassoon.

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Why?

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Because Taylor doesn't pay attention.

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On like the first or second day of school in seventh grade in band,

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My director is talking and talking about how they really need a bassoon player.

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And I'm in my own world, like usual, thinking about other things.

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And he had asked people if they wanted,

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if there was anyone interested in learning to play the bassoon or the oboe.

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My dumbass was needing to ask a question about something else.

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What did I do?

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Raised my hand.

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Raised my hand and he was like, oh my gosh, Taylor, great.

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You would be perfect for the bassoon.

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And inside my eyes went wide, super wide.

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And I was like, oh my God, what the fuck did I just get myself into?

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But guess what?

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It turned out to be the best thing to happen for me because I ended up playing

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bassoon for the rest of my life.

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My educational career,

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I went on a music scholarship in college,

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and I was in all-state bands,

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and I ended up really,

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really loving the bassoon,

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and now it's paying off because I can read bassline while I'm learning piano.

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But I was in music since elementary school.

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My whole family, both sides are musicians, so...

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It was kind of expected, but thankfully I loved it.

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But yeah, I stumbled into learning how to play the bassoon on accident.

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So that was a fun one.

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Taught myself, had a few lessons, but I taught myself how to play it.

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And then that was seventh that we moved to California.

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That was eighth grade.

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I was in music there.

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That was my first year doing an all state band and I just absolutely loved it.

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It was so much fun.

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Um, so I was, you know, first bassoon chair for all state California.

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Um, and yeah, that was eighth grade.

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Eighth grade was interesting because I was in an outdoor school.

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Never seen that before.

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I had all these new friends and all these new classes.

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There were certain parts where I was smarter and certain parts where I was dumber

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and the whole thing was just chaos.

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I had like 12 boyfriends that year.

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It was also a year I dated this guy.

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Um,

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where I broke up with him over the phone and he didn't know it.

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And I mainly broke up with him because of his bad breath.

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I didn't want to kiss him.

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So terrible.

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I'm such a crazy person sometimes, but.

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Anyway, yeah.

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So after that, you know, I moved to ninth grade and that was freshman year.

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And where I went to school, the freshmen had their own campus, which was awesome.

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Absolutely awesome.

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And I was in marching band because for whatever reason, that's what I thought I needed to be doing.

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Newsflash, I hated it.

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But had I not joined marching band, I would not have met my girl's dad.

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So my now ex-husband, Joey, and I met in high school.

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I was a freshman.

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I was 14 years old.

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He was 15, and we met in marching band.

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And he was a drummer.

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I was a flute player.

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We started chatting on MySpace, and we started dating.

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And then we didn't stop until 2023.

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Yeah, 2023.

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So we started dating in 2008.

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I guess we didn't date until 2023 because we started dating ourselves probably a year into our marriage.

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But so I met Joey.

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And after that point, most of my life revolved around him.

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I definitely isolated myself from a lot of my friends.

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Um,

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so,

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you know,

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there was that,

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but I made a lot of good friends that I had for years,

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but unfortunately I don't talk to many of them anymore.

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Um, so my freshman year was pretty basic.

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Met Joey, fell in love.

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And then, you know, we spent every day together.

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Once I moved to the big high school campus, it was even worse.

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You know, every 10 seconds we were with each other if we weren't in class.

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But the rest of high school was pretty uneventful until my senior year.

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When Joey went off to college, he went to UCLA.

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And I was still senior.

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That was when...

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I met the guy who would end up really screwing with my head for a very long time.

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We worked together at the gymnastics place that I worked at because I was a

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tumbling coach and a preschool coach.

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And my boyfriend was gone and I was desperate for attention because I wasn't getting it from him.

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And so I sought out any attention I could get and this guy gave it to me.

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And eventually it led to a lot of really terrible things and I could not back away for some reason.

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I just couldn't get myself to do it.

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And a lot of horrible things happened to me by him.

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that I don't think I should discuss over a podcast that definitely deserves its own whole post.

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I mean, I didn't even tell anyone until two years ago.

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Like, no one knew about it.

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So, but it definitely changed a lot of things about my life.

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So this was 17, 18, and I think it changed the trajectory of, you know,

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a lot of why I was so emotionally reclusive, um, because I was quite ashamed of what I was doing.

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Um, even though it was being done to me for the most part, but I did keep going back.

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Um, and because of it, I tried to break up with Joey, but it didn't work.

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He ultimated me and said, I'm never going to talk to you again, or we can get back together.

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And I couldn't

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handled never talking to him again.

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So we got back together.

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Um, and that was that.

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And I kept going to this guy's house secretly.

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No one knew, no one knew anything.

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My parents, no one, um, not even my best friends.

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They didn't know anything.

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I was just kept it all to myself.

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Um, and so that was that year.

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And every year Joey had some kind of military training for ROTC cause he was going

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to be Marine Corps officer.

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So he was gone.

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And that was when that August I left for band camp,

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essentially,

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because I was on a vocal and instrumental scholarship at,

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um,

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California Baptist university,

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which was awful.

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Um, I don't regret going there, but it still sucked a lot, a lot of times, not all the time though.

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But so this is 18 and go to college and the freedom was amazing.

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Um,

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but I also learned that freedom comes with consequence,

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um,

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because I was now free to eat and drink whatever I wanted.

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And that was not necessarily a good thing.

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Um,

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this is how I ended up drinking two giant coffee mugs full of coffee and just then

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subsequently not being able to drink coffee for the next year.

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Um,

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Oh, I'm sorry.

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I have to interrupt our podcast to let you know that one of my boys,

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his tail is wrapped up over his neck.

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It's so cute.

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Anyway, anyway, um,

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So yeah, freshman year.

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Freshman year was intense.

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I lived with, I dormed with a girl I went to high school with who were really good friends.

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But unfortunately, living together ruined our friendship.

(00:19:53):

It really did.

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I learned that when it is my own very, very own space.

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I

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It is my responsibility for every single part of it.

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I don't like it messy,

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which was a huge shock to everybody who knew me in high school or really any part

(00:20:07):

of my life before then because my rooms were always disgustingly messy.

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It's so funny because now I organize for a living and can be a little bit of a clean freak sometimes.

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But that was 18 to 19.

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And then I think Joey went on another...

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another trip, but maybe not.

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No, that was the year we went to Kansas and somewhere else.

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I don't remember where else we went together,

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but yeah,

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we did a lot of traveling that summer and it was a lot of fun.

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Um, and then that was Joey's junior year.

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My

(00:20:52):

sophomore and junior year.

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Cause I graduated college in three years.

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Um, and that was 19 and we got engaged that Christmas.

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Um, so at 19, I was engaged to be married and I was over the moon.

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That was all I wanted.

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Um, I, all I wanted in life was to get married and have children.

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Um, it's so funny how life plays out, but yeah,

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That was also the year that my eating disorder,

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my anxiety,

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my depression,

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my OCD all just came to a really bad head and ended up causing me to be very ill

(00:21:36):

for a very long time.

(00:21:37):

And you know why?

(00:21:39):

Why?

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Because I didn't talk to anybody.

(00:21:41):

I didn't tell anybody what was going on.

(00:21:44):

I didn't tell anybody how bad my phobias were.

(00:21:46):

I didn't tell anybody how bad my anxiety was.

(00:21:49):

I didn't tell anybody how obsessive my brain was.

(00:21:52):

I didn't do any of that.

(00:21:53):

And so what does that mean?

(00:21:54):

It means I was alone and it just built,

(00:21:57):

built,

(00:21:58):

built,

(00:21:58):

and ended up causing me a ton of physical health problems.

(00:22:03):

I was skipping classes,

(00:22:04):

lying to people,

(00:22:06):

just,

(00:22:07):

I mean,

(00:22:07):

all that kind of stuff,

(00:22:09):

barely eating,

(00:22:10):

overexercising.

(00:22:12):

Um, it was just not, not a good, not a good time for me.

(00:22:17):

Um, and this was also what I became a group exercise instructor and a personal trainer.

(00:22:23):

Toast forgot about that.

(00:22:24):

That was the beginning of that.

(00:22:25):

And which was probably one of the few amazing things that happened during college.

(00:22:30):

But yeah, that year, that year was rough.

(00:22:36):

That

(00:22:44):

The year I turned 20, so that would have been 2014.

(00:22:49):

And I got married the very next year.

(00:22:54):

So that'll be the beginning of 20 to 30.

(00:22:59):

I have no idea if I managed to get everything in here.

(00:23:05):

but hopefully I did.

(00:23:07):

And if you found this interesting, can you let me know?

(00:23:10):

Or if you really want to hear me talk about something or an experience, you know, let me know.

(00:23:16):

I've done a lot.

(00:23:19):

clearly.

(00:23:20):

And I feel like I'm constantly forgetting things like, Oh yeah, that happened too.

(00:23:23):

Huh?

(00:23:24):

Okay.

(00:23:26):

So yeah, but that has been a singular singleton Taylor only episode of the curiosity chronicles.

(00:23:33):

And I hope you enjoy, and I can't wait to talk to you guys next time.

(00:23:36):

Bye for now.

Sometimes I feel like my cussing makes me sound like Barney from how I met your mother but Gemma deserved such intense praise as she is such a wonderful human being! I hope you enjoy the podcast and you can find Gemma and her Podcast over at: Gemma

(00:00:01):

okay we are back we are on the curiosity chronicles today i am your host taylor

(00:00:09):

cecilia brooke and i have with me the wonderful wonderful jemma james i am so

(00:00:16):

excited to talk to you because i'm so excited to be here thank you for having me

(00:00:20):

yeah absolutely absolutely okay so let's just start off with like

(00:00:25):

Share a little bit about yourself.

(00:00:26):

I know everybody hates that question because it's like, oh, what do I say?

(00:00:29):

Where do I start?

(00:00:31):

Yeah, exactly.

(00:00:32):

But if like no one has ever stumbled upon your sub stack or your podcast or

(00:00:37):

anything like that,

(00:00:38):

like just like the first thing that pops to your head,

(00:00:41):

just share that.

(00:00:43):

Wow.

(00:00:43):

Okay.

(00:00:44):

Where to start?

(00:00:45):

I'll try and kind of condense it into the cliff notes or we'll be here all day.

(00:00:50):

I am Gemma.

(00:00:55):

I host the podcast.

(00:00:56):

I'm the creator of the podcast and the blog called Getting Your Life Together.

(00:01:04):

Slightly ironic as I started it at a time when mine was completely falling apart.

(00:01:09):

So basically my life fell apart.

(00:01:15):

What can only be described as spectacularly in 2017.

(00:01:18):

I...

(00:01:22):

everything kind of fell apart in a really short space of time.

(00:01:25):

I lost my husband really suddenly to cancer.

(00:01:29):

I was approaching 30 years old at this point.

(00:01:32):

And so I lost my husband really suddenly.

(00:01:34):

And exactly four weeks to the day after that,

(00:01:38):

I got laid off from my job,

(00:01:41):

the job that I basically spent my entire 20s working towards.

(00:01:46):

And really shortly after that,

(00:01:48):

I had to move out of our home because,

(00:01:51):

I mean,

(00:01:52):

obviously going from two incomes to zero incomes.

(00:01:56):

So it was a pretty rough year.

(00:01:58):

And all of that kind of happened within the space of a few months.

(00:02:02):

So in response, I decided to begin a blog and a podcast.

(00:02:08):

Well,

(00:02:08):

the podcast has actually only come recently,

(00:02:10):

but I started the brand Getting Your Life Together at that point.

(00:02:14):

And since then,

(00:02:16):

since everything kind of exploded,

(00:02:20):

I pretty much voluntarily burned the remainder of it to the ground.

(00:02:25):

I gave up my home, my job.

(00:02:27):

I gave away all of my things.

(00:02:30):

And I've spent the last couple of years traveling the world solo and learning new things along the way.

(00:02:36):

And the idea of the blog initially was to share what I was learning.

(00:02:41):

I got really into personal development around that point.

(00:02:44):

So it was really to...

(00:02:45):

I guess,

(00:02:46):

document this process of me trying to put myself back together as this new person

(00:02:51):

and hopefully help other people along the way.

(00:02:55):

And since then, I've retrained as a coach.

(00:02:57):

And this year came the launch of the podcast,

(00:03:01):

Getting Your Life Together,

(00:03:03):

which is,

(00:03:04):

I mean,

(00:03:05):

the clues in the name,

(00:03:06):

really.

(00:03:06):

But the idea is to, I guess, help other people through what I've learned and

(00:03:14):

have it as a place for,

(00:03:15):

I guess,

(00:03:16):

helping other women share their stories,

(00:03:19):

other,

(00:03:20):

you know,

(00:03:21):

inspiring stories of reinvention and putting your life back together.

(00:03:25):

I want it to be a really cool place where people can be inspired and just take the

(00:03:31):

message that whatever you've been through,

(00:03:33):

like you're never beaten,

(00:03:34):

you know,

(00:03:35):

you get to design your own story and decide where you go from there.

(00:03:39):

So that's it in a nutshell, basically.

(00:03:44):

That is incredible.

(00:03:46):

And first off,

(00:03:47):

I want to just say that it's,

(00:03:48):

you know,

(00:03:48):

really amazing that you're sharing all this people because losing your husband

(00:03:53):

alone is a traumatic experience,

(00:03:55):

but to then lose your job and then the house that you built together with him.

(00:03:59):

I mean, they say good things come in threes, don't they?

(00:04:03):

Yes, they do.

(00:04:04):

Yeah.

(00:04:04):

My mom's been saying that to me my whole life.

(00:04:07):

I think she's more woo than she realizes.

(00:04:09):

But yeah,

(00:04:12):

It's really admirable that you're sharing,

(00:04:16):

that you're willing to share this with everybody because there's so many people out

(00:04:19):

there who can really lean into what your experiences were and that'll help them

(00:04:28):

grow and thrive and maybe not feel as scared

(00:04:32):

Um,

(00:04:32):

I know,

(00:04:33):

I know that's like one of the things that I really strive for with my,

(00:04:37):

my work is to help people feel less alone,

(00:04:38):

less scared.

(00:04:39):

And I can imagine that you probably felt pretty alone during that time.

(00:04:44):

Absolutely.

(00:04:45):

And I think,

(00:04:46):

I mean,

(00:04:47):

to mirror back what you've said,

(00:04:48):

I think it's amazing what you're doing as well and sharing your stories,

(00:04:51):

because I think you've just hit the nail on the head alone.

(00:04:54):

I'm scared is probably what I most felt during that entire time.

(00:04:59):

Um,

(00:05:01):

you know,

(00:05:02):

even before losing my husband,

(00:05:05):

just in the short time that he was ill for,

(00:05:07):

before he actually died,

(00:05:08):

that you can still feel so alone,

(00:05:10):

you know,

(00:05:12):

before the worst has even happened.

(00:05:14):

I think sometimes people don't understand until you're in that position.

(00:05:18):

So definitely the number one goal, as you just said, is to just help anyone going through it.

(00:05:25):

It doesn't even have to be

(00:05:26):

the same specific scenario in fact I obviously I hope that it isn't any kind of any

(00:05:33):

kind of big life transition any kind of you know just unhappiness with where you

(00:05:38):

are and wanting to create something different being in that space can just be so

(00:05:43):

lonely and yeah as you said just the goal to help people feel like they're not on

(00:05:50):

their own like they're part of something like you know we see we see you

(00:05:55):

we're here and sharing stories is such a powerful way to do that.

(00:06:01):

Absolutely.

(00:06:02):

And I think,

(00:06:03):

you know,

(00:06:04):

I think that millennials really went through kind of like a little bit of a paradigm.

(00:06:13):

I don't think I said that right shift,

(00:06:14):

but like a lot of us had a lot of really,

(00:06:18):

really intense things happen before COVID and during COVID.

(00:06:22):

I know, I know many people our age who,

(00:06:25):

had children die, spouses die, family members died, not because of COVID, just for crazy other reasons.

(00:06:31):

And then we had this spike in mental health issues.

(00:06:35):

And then COVID came and I really feel like that just blew everything up.

(00:06:39):

And I see so many,

(00:06:40):

I mean,

(00:06:41):

I would say at least out of one,

(00:06:43):

every two friends has gotten either divorced or had something traumatic happen to

(00:06:47):

them within the last five years.

(00:06:50):

And so I think, you know, sharing the different perspectives, like

(00:06:54):

you understand what anticipatory grief is, but I don't understand what losing a spouse feels like.

(00:07:00):

And you know what grief and loss and tragic emotions feel like,

(00:07:09):

but you don't know what it's like to lose a kid.

(00:07:10):

And I think that's what's really cool is that we can share and connect on some of

(00:07:16):

the things that we do have similarities on,

(00:07:18):

but we're not the only ones.

(00:07:20):

And so people who are out there who need support for

(00:07:23):

what you've gone through have that for people who need support,

(00:07:26):

like,

(00:07:26):

you know,

(00:07:26):

they're doing what care is doing or,

(00:07:30):

you know,

(00:07:31):

things like that.

(00:07:32):

It's just really cool.

(00:07:33):

And I really enjoy that.

(00:07:34):

And I,

(00:07:35):

I think that's one of the things that really attracted me to your podcast was just the,

(00:07:39):

the realness of it.

(00:07:42):

Oh, I love that.

(00:07:42):

Thank you.

(00:07:43):

You're welcome.

(00:07:44):

So what is your favorite part of your brand?

(00:07:53):

um getting to so recently and this week actually I just had my first guest on on

(00:08:00):

the podcast and it was just a whole different kind I've loved doing the solo

(00:08:05):

episodes I've loved you know everything about the podcast um and the whole creative

(00:08:11):

process behind that but having someone else on just I

(00:08:16):

lit a whole new level of fire in me there is something about having a conversation

(00:08:20):

with someone it just kind of hits differently and it lights me up in a whole new

(00:08:26):

way and moving forward that is the vision I would love love to see for the show is

(00:08:31):

having it just be this place of of sharing incredible stories and where you know

(00:08:36):

people women can come and know that

(00:08:40):

they're going to be inspired.

(00:08:41):

They're going to like,

(00:08:42):

we can talk about the hard stuff and we should be able to talk about the hard stuff,

(00:08:46):

but we can also,

(00:08:47):

we can do it in a way that leaves you feeling inspired and motivated,

(00:08:51):

inspired the fuck up to go in,

(00:08:54):

you know,

(00:08:55):

take control of your life and write your own story.

(00:08:59):

So that and moving forward, I just have such a clear vision now of the direction I want it to go in.

(00:09:06):

And it is just amazing.

(00:09:07):

being being a facilitator of you know other people being able to share their

(00:09:11):

stories is just the dream yeah i love that i absolutely love that and i think i

(00:09:19):

think that's what kind of made me realize why i wanted to do the interviews and not

(00:09:26):

just make it a solo type thing because

(00:09:30):

Really getting to hear other people's perspectives and knowledge and insight is really so valuable.

(00:09:35):

I really enjoy it.

(00:09:38):

So it's really cool.

(00:09:39):

I think most of the podcasters that I listen to do a combination of solo and interview.

(00:09:44):

Yeah.

(00:09:46):

I love that because like Lewis House,

(00:09:49):

love his solo podcast,

(00:09:51):

but I also love the ones where he interviews people.

(00:09:54):

I have received so many gems, so many gems from the people he's interviewed over the years.

(00:10:00):

Yeah, that's one of my favorites too, the School of Greatness.

(00:10:04):

I think that's such a good formula.

(00:10:06):

Moving forward, I'm thinking I'm going to have two a week.

(00:10:10):

So one will be an interview episode,

(00:10:12):

but then there'll also be a short solo episode as well,

(00:10:15):

like a kind of mini pod just with me sharing some insights,

(00:10:19):

something kind of inspirational,

(00:10:20):

motivational to end the week with.

(00:10:22):

I think that kind of gives the best of both worlds.

(00:10:26):

Yeah, I really like that.

(00:10:28):

That's really, really cool.

(00:10:31):

That's really fun.

(00:10:32):

I'm trying to...

(00:10:34):

alternating it but i feel like i have an influx of people that i just want to talk

(00:10:38):

to i'm like compiling this list like every day i just see so many other people on

(00:10:44):

substack it's just full of so many amazing inspirational people with with such good

(00:10:49):

stories like this is getting longer and longer i know i literally have like all

(00:10:55):

these people that i interact with on a daily basis that have become these friends

(00:10:59):

that

(00:11:00):

I didn't know I needed and I didn't know I wanted and now I have them and I can't

(00:11:03):

imagine not having them.

(00:11:04):

No, and you forget that half the time you've never actually met them in person.

(00:11:09):

I said this the other day,

(00:11:10):

I had my two month birthday on Substack and I can't believe it's been such a short

(00:11:17):

space of time.

(00:11:18):

Like the people I speak

(00:11:20):

to every day on there.

(00:11:21):

I forget that, number one, I've never met them in person.

(00:11:24):

Number two,

(00:11:26):

eight weeks ago,

(00:11:26):

I didn't even know you,

(00:11:27):

but now I almost can imagine not talking to you several times a week.

(00:11:32):

It's incredible, the community on there and the depth of relationships that you can foster.

(00:11:38):

I think that's one of the things that really makes Substack so unique.

(00:11:42):

And I know this was Hamish's and Chris's goal.

(00:11:46):

They wanted to have a place where

(00:11:48):

know friendships and community was formed for people who like to be creators

(00:11:55):

without all of the crap you know they can talk about what they want and as long as

(00:12:00):

you know they're not being awful because really what apparently there's only like

(00:12:05):

two real violations and that's like outside of like child pornography and stuff

(00:12:11):

like that because yeah that's not okay um but like graphic images aren't allowed

(00:12:17):

okay

(00:12:18):

And you can't like openly state that you're going to hurt someone or harm someone

(00:12:23):

or do some kind of like egregious crime.

(00:12:26):

But other than that, like you can cuss as much as you want.

(00:12:29):

You can talk about whatever you want, which is so different from all the other platforms.

(00:12:32):

There's so many rules.

(00:12:34):

Yeah.

(00:12:35):

But I think that's what... I'm sorry.

(00:12:38):

So I was just going to say,

(00:12:39):

I find the community in general just so different than what you get on social media platforms,

(00:12:46):

like the level of support and encouragement compared to having come off.

(00:12:51):

So I've quit social media completely now.

(00:12:55):

And yeah, it's just a whole different world.

(00:12:58):

Yeah, I...

(00:13:01):

100% agree because you can't be authentic like we can on Substack on any other platform.

(00:13:06):

It's just almost impossible because it's too saturated by fakeness.

(00:13:10):

So true.

(00:13:11):

I never felt fully able to show up on Instagram and tell my story.

(00:13:15):

There was still a part of me that was always hiding.

(00:13:17):

I don't know why.

(00:13:18):

I just felt so scared to really be open and talk about it.

(00:13:22):

Whereas on Substack, I don't even know what it is.

(00:13:25):

It just straight away,

(00:13:26):

I just felt more able to just,

(00:13:29):

it was the only place that I felt able to just fully show up as me and share my stories.

(00:13:34):

Yeah.

(00:13:34):

And without feeling the need to, you know, censor or try and be something that I'm not.

(00:13:40):

And it's just, yeah, they've created something pretty incredible.

(00:13:44):

They really have.

(00:13:46):

And I 100% agree and relate.

(00:13:48):

I mean, there are things that I have talked about and said on Substack that...

(00:13:53):

I would have never, absolutely not on Facebook and definitely not on Instagram.

(00:13:57):

I might've had a little private group chat on Snapchat, but that's, you know, maybe not.

(00:14:03):

And that's with people who've known me my whole life.

(00:14:05):

So in the things that I've talked about here,

(00:14:08):

I have never been so vulnerable in my life,

(00:14:11):

but what's really cool,

(00:14:13):

like you were saying,

(00:14:14):

is just the support.

(00:14:15):

And even from people who are on the other side of it, like,

(00:14:19):

Yesterday, I posted a note.

(00:14:21):

I was having a hard day.

(00:14:23):

And I made some comments.

(00:14:24):

And one of the people that I've formed a really cool relationship with,

(00:14:27):

she commented about how,

(00:14:29):

like,

(00:14:29):

her first reaction was,

(00:14:31):

like,

(00:14:31):

judgment,

(00:14:32):

which is understandable.

(00:14:33):

Because what I said, I mentioned how I was the one who cheated on my now ex-husband.

(00:14:40):

And I say it, I talk about it because, like, I want people to know, A,

(00:14:48):

that I recognize that AF really fucked up,

(00:14:51):

but you know,

(00:14:52):

it's okay to fuck up and recognize your mistakes,

(00:14:57):

correct them and move forward and ensure that you don't do them again.

(00:15:01):

And I think that's why,

(00:15:03):

because a lot of us,

(00:15:05):

I think,

(00:15:06):

especially women end up cheating because they don't know any other way to get out.

(00:15:13):

And they don't know how to have that conversation.

(00:15:17):

They don't know how to tell their spouse that they're unhappy because no one

(00:15:20):

teaches us how to talk about these things.

(00:15:23):

And so my goal in sharing that really shitty,

(00:15:28):

vulnerable information is to give perspective to people who are on the other side,

(00:15:33):

because that's what

(00:15:34):

That's what this person says.

(00:15:35):

She's like,

(00:15:35):

my husband,

(00:15:36):

I was the one who was cheated on,

(00:15:38):

but now I understand looking at it from his side.

(00:15:40):

He probably felt that that was the only way to achieve the goal that he wanted

(00:15:44):

because he knew if he did that,

(00:15:46):

I would be done.

(00:15:47):

And I think I actually have a post coming out today that talks about that.

(00:15:51):

Like subconsciously, I didn't know any other way and it doesn't make it right, but it's the reality.

(00:15:58):

So talking about it helps people, other people avoid that, uh,

(00:16:04):

And if I would have shared that on Instagram or Facebook.

(00:16:08):

God, imagine.

(00:16:09):

Imagine the trolls.

(00:16:11):

Right?

(00:16:11):

Like, I'm sure I'm going to get some trolls on this podcast episode just talking about it.

(00:16:16):

But we're just fine.

(00:16:18):

You know, it is what it is.

(00:16:19):

It's part of the internet.

(00:16:21):

But yeah, I can't even imagine what people would say.

(00:16:24):

I think the difference on Substack, as you just said, is people are always going to disagree.

(00:16:29):

Like, we're all going to have different opinions, but they can articulate it.

(00:16:33):

in an adult way and have the discussion.

(00:16:35):

Whereas, you know, versus Instagram with just, just coming for you.

(00:16:40):

Yeah, exactly.

(00:16:42):

And I,

(00:16:42):

it's,

(00:16:43):

that's kind of how it's so interesting because Instagram does it in such a fake

(00:16:49):

superficial way,

(00:16:50):

but then you have someplace like Reddit,

(00:16:52):

which also does that,

(00:16:53):

but in such like an intense hurtful way.

(00:16:58):

And that's one of the things that I love about Substack,

(00:17:02):

but also I wanted to achieve with this podcast because,

(00:17:06):

you know,

(00:17:06):

I'm always curious about other people's perspectives.

(00:17:11):

And we can learn from that.

(00:17:14):

And just because you like red cars doesn't mean you're a horrible person.

(00:17:19):

And that's no different than all the other things that people have opinions on.

(00:17:23):

And I love that.

(00:17:26):

on Substike, we have that ability to just talk about things openly.

(00:17:30):

Like people are so vulnerable, even with their businesses.

(00:17:35):

And that's not something you ever see on any of the other social media platforms.

(00:17:40):

So that's been really, really cool.

(00:17:44):

Just getting to see unfold, especially with, you know, people

(00:17:49):

who share similar stuff to me and like watching all the comments on your,

(00:17:53):

on your posts and stuff and the interactions on your notes,

(00:17:56):

it just makes me happy that there's so much like support and encouragement because

(00:18:01):

that gives us the chance to actually change people's lives,

(00:18:04):

which is really cool.

(00:18:06):

Completely agree.

(00:18:08):

What's been your kind of, since, cause I know we joined Substack around a similar time.

(00:18:12):

What's been your kind of favorite stuff to share?

(00:18:16):

Cause I know you talk about Lily,

(00:18:17):

but you also talk about,

(00:18:19):

you know,

(00:18:19):

your previous relationships and is there anything particular that.

(00:18:24):

So I think it's so interesting that,

(00:18:30):

and I don't know if I've ever like truly spent a good amount of time thinking about this.

(00:18:35):

um i struggle with like wanting to always just talk about lily um but when i do

(00:18:41):

that i get stuck in that headspace sometimes and it's just not a great headspace to

(00:18:47):

stay in um but it is what gets the most traction on substack for sure and i get it

(00:18:53):

because i am talking very bluntly about that about my life with her um

(00:19:00):

But that wasn't actually my goal when I started my Substack.

(00:19:04):

My goal was to just share with people how I've unfucked everything in my life.

(00:19:10):

It's still not completely unfucked.

(00:19:12):

But...

(00:19:14):

I think my favorite thing to share so far honestly has been my podcast.

(00:19:22):

It's just been so fun to get to know other people and to interact with everybody,

(00:19:28):

but also just dive into just,

(00:19:31):

stuff that i'm curious about um you know with my daughter the other day that was so

(00:19:37):

fun because she told me what she wanted to be what she was curious about and she's

(00:19:40):

got the craziest brain um and so that was just super fun and people like that they

(00:19:47):

like my car chats which i love doing i think they're so fun and never took off on

(00:19:51):

instagram

(00:19:54):

Instagram doesn't know what it's missing.

(00:19:56):

I know.

(00:19:57):

And everybody loves them here on subsects.

(00:19:59):

I think that's the key, right?

(00:20:01):

Leaning into what's fun, like leaning into what you find fun, what you actually look forward to.

(00:20:07):

That is your, you know, intuition, your body telling you like this, this is what you're meant to do.

(00:20:13):

Yeah.

(00:20:14):

And that's never happened before.

(00:20:16):

And that's so cool.

(00:20:17):

I talked about that in my hero post that's pinned at the top of my sub stack, how

(00:20:23):

I was given so much back when I joined Substack.

(00:20:27):

I think that's been my favorite part is just it gave me back my writer hat.

(00:20:32):

It's been so long since I put that hat on and I had forgotten how much I love it

(00:20:38):

and how easy it is for me.

(00:20:41):

I mean,

(00:20:41):

I literally have to put time limits on my writing because otherwise I'll just spend

(00:20:46):

all day doing it and neglect everything else I need to do in my life.

(00:20:52):

What's been your favorite part?

(00:20:56):

Of what I've shared on Substack.

(00:20:58):

Yeah.

(00:20:59):

Yeah.

(00:20:59):

What you've shared on Substack or like, what's your favorite thing to share?

(00:21:03):

definitely the same answer as you the podcast let it be I enjoy writing um it's

(00:21:11):

something I find I have to be in the mood for and if I'm not then there is no

(00:21:16):

amount of force in it that will make it flow but once I'm in the flow then it just

(00:21:22):

comes like it just comes so easily um

(00:21:25):

So I definitely would say the podcast is where my heart is.

(00:21:31):

It's where the excitement is.

(00:21:34):

And when I kind of look ahead, it's the thing I can see build it.

(00:21:38):

I want, you know, the brand to become the podcast.

(00:21:41):

It's just, I feel like I find the thing for sure.

(00:21:45):

That's really, I love that so much.

(00:21:48):

Also, I need you to come on my podcast as well.

(00:21:50):

Yes, absolutely.

(00:21:51):

As my guest.

(00:21:52):

Not that my life is together, but I'm trying to get it together.

(00:21:55):

Well, that's the irony, right?

(00:21:56):

It's not actually about having your life together.

(00:21:59):

No, it's about getting it together.

(00:22:00):

What we learn on the way, yeah.

(00:22:02):

So much learning.

(00:22:03):

So much learning has occurred.

(00:22:05):

I never so far have met someone who actually has their life together.

(00:22:09):

I think that's a myth.

(00:22:11):

I think you're probably right.

(00:22:12):

I think that's definitely a myth.

(00:22:15):

I don't even know what that means.

(00:22:16):

What is it to have your life together?

(00:22:20):

It's subjective, I guess.

(00:22:22):

Oh, 100 percent.

(00:22:23):

And the same thing as like normal.

(00:22:25):

What is actually normal?

(00:22:26):

You know, is there really a normal?

(00:22:29):

But so you just launched your like one on one sessions, right?

(00:22:35):

Mm hmm.

(00:22:37):

Yes.

(00:22:37):

Do you want to share about that?

(00:22:38):

Because I would love to learn more.

(00:22:40):

So it's something I have done in the past.

(00:22:45):

I retrained as a coach and I've been working with coaching women for the last couple of years.

(00:22:52):

I put the one-to-one sessions on hold for a little bit while I was focusing on other things.

(00:22:56):

I get in the podcast and the blog up and running while I was traveling.

(00:23:01):

but they they are back I was finding the the response I was getting to the podcast

(00:23:06):

episodes and particularly I've done a couple around the areas like people pleasing

(00:23:12):

which seemed to get a really really good response and I decided to and I miss as

(00:23:18):

much I love the podcast I do also love the one-to-one sessions and that more like

(00:23:23):

working with people on a more intimate level um

(00:23:27):

So I've relaunched them.

(00:23:29):

I'm not doing any programs or anything at the moment,

(00:23:31):

but the one-to-one sessions for anyone who's been finding value in either the

(00:23:36):

podcast or the blog and just feel like they would benefit from going into a little

(00:23:41):

bit more detail and having some one-to-one support.

(00:23:45):

yeah anyone struggling with people pleasing or going through any kind of big life

(00:23:52):

transition they're just feeling a bit stuck anything around that kind of area I

(00:23:57):

love love working with women on that's awesome what is like your favorite piece of

(00:24:04):

advice to give to your clients

(00:24:08):

Favorite piece of advice?

(00:24:10):

Oh, that's a good one.

(00:24:11):

So I was asked this question the other day, which is quite similar, is what is your everyday mantra?

(00:24:16):

I feel like it's kind of the same thing.

(00:24:19):

And it literally just keep fucking going is my life mantra.

(00:24:25):

I just feel like it fits so beautifully because...

(00:24:28):

It works in the bad, but also the good.

(00:24:31):

Like, you just fucking go.

(00:24:34):

The best is always yet to come.

(00:24:36):

You know, if you're in a rough spot, just keep going.

(00:24:39):

I promise you, it all comes together.

(00:24:41):

And everything can come together for good just as quickly as, you know, it can fall apart.

(00:24:47):

So even if you're in a rough spot, I always just say, just keep fucking going.

(00:24:52):

It gets better.

(00:24:52):

I promise.

(00:24:53):

I'm proof that it does.

(00:24:55):

Yeah, 100%.

(00:24:55):

I really...

(00:24:58):

A, I'm going to think I'm going to title the podcast episode that.

(00:25:03):

I really like that.

(00:25:04):

And it fits the theme of my overuse of the word fuck.

(00:25:08):

But I also think I'm going to make that my personal mantra because it's so realistic,

(00:25:14):

but not like in a like.

(00:25:21):

bummer way like let's just keep fucking going because in reality that's all you

(00:25:25):

really can do it's the only choice right yeah and things just always have a way of

(00:25:31):

working out even when you can't see it in the moment and there's been so many

(00:25:34):

moments where I haven't been able to see it all we can do is just lean into the

(00:25:39):

trust and and just keep going and know that we'll get to where we're meant to be

(00:25:44):

yeah absolutely

(00:25:46):

That's such a great mantra.

(00:25:50):

And I really love that.

(00:25:53):

So along those lines,

(00:25:56):

if you were able to either go back and talk to yourself,

(00:26:01):

who was your version of yourself when your husband was diagnosed and through that time,

(00:26:08):

or you were to give some information,

(00:26:11):

some support,

(00:26:12):

some advice to someone who's going through something that you've gone through what

(00:26:15):

would be like something that would have comforted you a lot like something that

(00:26:20):

would have just made it feel less scary or less alone

(00:26:25):

Oh, God, I just thought I would want to go back and give her a hug first.

(00:26:29):

Just six years ago, me.

(00:26:33):

Yeah, I just want to go back and hug her to start.

(00:26:36):

I can just I see her in my mind right now.

(00:26:38):

She's just so alone and absolutely fucking terrified.

(00:26:43):

And honestly, I think like there's nothing if someone is in that position.

(00:26:48):

And if I was thinking to myself at that time.

(00:26:52):

I don't think there's anything that you could say to someone to make them less

(00:26:55):

scared because it's a fucking terrifying position to be in.

(00:27:00):

And there's nothing you can do other than just be in it.

(00:27:02):

Like there is no words you can say to someone and to even try is even, you know, doing them a disservice.

(00:27:10):

Yes.

(00:27:10):

You know, they just,

(00:27:13):

You just have to feel it and be in it in the moment.

(00:27:15):

There's nothing that's going to make that any better,

(00:27:17):

even though that's not what I would have wanted to hear.

(00:27:20):

I wish there was.

(00:27:21):

I wish there was something I could tell to someone.

(00:27:23):

But again, it just comes back to keep fucking going.

(00:27:26):

I remember one of the nurses in the hospital saying something similar to me.

(00:27:31):

She was along the lines of,

(00:27:34):

you know, just get up every day, wash your face and just keep going.

(00:27:38):

Like you do it.

(00:27:39):

That's all you can do in this moment.

(00:27:41):

And it really is just one day, not even one day at a time, one minute at a time.

(00:27:48):

There were definitely days where it was like one second at a time.

(00:27:50):

I'm like, okay.

(00:27:53):

Like five minute blocks.

(00:27:55):

Can I brush my teeth?

(00:27:57):

Can I wash my face?

(00:27:59):

I'm doing so well.

(00:28:01):

Right.

(00:28:02):

Right.

(00:28:02):

Oh my gosh.

(00:28:03):

I relate to that so much.

(00:28:05):

And it's,

(00:28:05):

it's kind of cool that you mentioned that a nurse said something along those lines

(00:28:09):

to you,

(00:28:10):

because I don't know if this is the case for you,

(00:28:13):

but I think that,

(00:28:16):

um,

(00:28:17):

I think everybody knows that nurses are very undervalued and underpaid.

(00:28:21):

Their job is really awful, but.

(00:28:25):

Oh, so much.

(00:28:27):

And in our situation, they're the ones who were our true support system through everything.

(00:28:35):

They're the ones that advocated for us to have things from the hospital and the home,

(00:28:39):

even our home health nurses were the same way.

(00:28:42):

And I just don't think that people

(00:28:47):

realize that there's so much more that comes with the nursing job and the knowledge

(00:28:53):

that they gain just from simply watching their patients and their families is

(00:28:57):

completely just priceless yeah and we were given so much

(00:29:05):

good like emotional advice literal advice on how to take care of our kid that no

(00:29:11):

one else knew no one else knew what to say to us but the people who see this every

(00:29:17):

day do and i just i love i love that and i think it's really cool so i love that

(00:29:24):

that also happened for you because i know some people get some really shitty nurses

(00:29:29):

honestly we had the best i yeah it just

(00:29:34):

absolute heroes, in my opinion.

(00:29:36):

If you're listening to this and you're a nurse, in my opinion, you're a hero.

(00:29:41):

Oh, absolutely.

(00:29:42):

I mean,

(00:29:44):

my best friend's a nurse,

(00:29:45):

so I'm definitely biased,

(00:29:47):

but she became a nurse because her son was born very,

(00:29:54):

very,

(00:29:55):

very medically ill.

(00:29:59):

He had quite a few genetic things wrong with him.

(00:30:01):

And

(00:30:03):

you know, she had, during that time, she had amazing care and awful care.

(00:30:08):

And that made her want to be able to give everybody amazing care as often.

(00:30:13):

And I think a lot of nurses, you know, their passion for their job comes from personal experience.

(00:30:20):

Absolutely.

(00:30:21):

So one of our nurses had retrained as a nurse because she lost her child.

(00:30:27):

I can't remember if it was cancer or another illness, but yeah, I mean, as you said, and

(00:30:33):

think that's a really common theme is you know you go through something and you

(00:30:40):

want to channel that pain into good and using it to help other people yeah

(00:30:48):

absolutely and that is just so cool that people I think that's one of the things I

(00:30:55):

really like about human beings is the resiliency of

(00:30:59):

that a lot of us will just channel the pain because people have said i don't know

(00:31:03):

if this was said to you but how did you keep going how do you keep going and i

(00:31:08):

wouldn't be able to cope i don't know what i would do it's like you you don't

(00:31:12):

literally there is no choice you don't have a choice like we never ever know how

(00:31:17):

strong we are or can be until we're put in the position you just don't know ever

(00:31:22):

what you're fully capable of until you have no choice but to keep fucking going

(00:31:28):

yes exactly and and i literally had a therapist say to that to me once and i said

(00:31:33):

well i didn't really have a choice she was all some parents wouldn't get up out of

(00:31:36):

bed and i just looked at her i know i was like i just looked at her and it's like

(00:31:42):

yeah i'm not one of those parents and i don't know a single parent of a medically

(00:31:48):

complex kid that would do that

(00:31:52):

It was just, I ghosted that therapist.

(00:31:56):

But so one of the things that,

(00:31:59):

one of the pieces,

(00:31:59):

it wasn't really advice,

(00:32:01):

it was more of a tip of someone who had been in my shoes that I was given

(00:32:06):

was of things to do while she was alive.

(00:32:09):

And some of those were, you know, we did her for her pictures of her first, her first prom graduation.

(00:32:14):

I saw those.

(00:32:16):

Yeah.

(00:32:17):

Yeah.

(00:32:18):

Yeah.

(00:32:19):

And I will get a post written up at about eventually because multiple people have asked,

(00:32:22):

which I thought was super interesting.

(00:32:25):

Um, but you know, little things like that.

(00:32:28):

Was there anything that you guys did to really, you know, make the most of your time together?

(00:32:37):

We got married.

(00:32:38):

I guess that's the main one.

(00:32:41):

I love that.

(00:32:42):

That makes me so happy.

(00:32:44):

Yeah, so we were planning our wedding in Venice.

(00:32:48):

So Venice, when we first got together, that had been our first ever holiday that we went on.

(00:32:53):

And we just absolutely fell in love with it.

(00:32:56):

It was understandable.

(00:32:58):

When I look back now, it's still one of the happiest memories of my life is that trip that we took.

(00:33:06):

So we decided straight away, like we need to have our wedding here.

(00:33:09):

So we were kind of in full in, in planning mode for that.

(00:33:13):

Um,

(00:33:14):

and then we found out really unexpectedly that he was ill and it was really clear from,

(00:33:21):

I mean,

(00:33:21):

talking about anticipatory grief as well,

(00:33:24):

going back to that,

(00:33:25):

there was no,

(00:33:26):

there was no kind of in-between stage for us.

(00:33:29):

There was no, it went from him being absolutely fine with, with no symptoms.

(00:33:34):

We had no idea that he was ill.

(00:33:36):

to him being incredibly ill.

(00:33:38):

There was no like, you know, gradual decline or he was literally just taken to hospital one day.

(00:33:44):

And we were told then, you know, he has this cancer and it's too advanced to do anything.

(00:33:51):

So at that point we decided we're not going to get the wedding in Venice.

(00:33:55):

That's not going to happen.

(00:33:57):

We don't want to be robbed of the chance to at least be able to get married and to

(00:34:02):

say our vows to each other.

(00:34:05):

we did it then just surrounded by our really close friends.

(00:34:09):

And it was really, it wasn't Venice, but it was perfect.

(00:34:13):

And it could not have been any more amazing and full of love.

(00:34:17):

So I'm really thankful we got to do that.

(00:34:20):

That was definitely a plus that we got that time.

(00:34:24):

But aside from that, honestly, there was nothing.

(00:34:27):

It just went from zero to a hundred of him being

(00:34:32):

well, fine and well one minute and needing full-time care and being really, really ill the next.

(00:34:37):

And our entire life just stopped.

(00:34:40):

So it was,

(00:34:41):

even though it took a few months,

(00:34:44):

it was a space of a few months between him being diagnosed to when we lost him.

(00:34:48):

That whole time was a grieving process because our life was gone.

(00:34:53):

We weren't,

(00:34:54):

you know,

(00:34:54):

didn't have our day-to-day of getting up,

(00:34:57):

going to work,

(00:34:57):

eating,

(00:34:58):

it was straight away.

(00:34:59):

He was in the hospital.

(00:35:01):

needing full-time care, having chemo, all of that stuff.

(00:35:05):

So aside from getting to get married,

(00:35:09):

which is the biggest blessing,

(00:35:11):

we had the rest of that time taken away from us,

(00:35:15):

really.

(00:35:15):

We weren't able to do that much else.

(00:35:17):

But, you know, I'm thankful, thankful that we got to do that, at least.

(00:35:22):

That's the most important thing.

(00:35:25):

Sorry, I got a little teary because I'm just thinking about, like,

(00:35:31):

Just,

(00:35:32):

I'm so happy that you were able to do that,

(00:35:35):

you know,

(00:35:36):

but my heart breaks for you because you didn't get anything else and you didn't get

(00:35:40):

to spend that time,

(00:35:42):

the rest of your life with your person.

(00:35:45):

And so that always, you know, kind of hits me in the feels, especially.

(00:35:52):

I take comfort in the fact that he got to spend the rest of his life with me.

(00:35:58):

That was it.

(00:35:59):

So we did it in a way.

(00:36:01):

Yeah, that is such a good way of looking at it.

(00:36:06):

I listened to a podcast episode of two friends who, one of them died and came back to life.

(00:36:21):

Yes, I know.

(00:36:22):

It sounds crazy.

(00:36:24):

I will send it to you on sub stack.

(00:36:27):

But it's like these two best friends and the one of the best friends,

(00:36:31):

like they've been best friends for like 25 years.

(00:36:33):

And she she detailed her whole

(00:36:38):

story of what it was like because she remembered every single moment so how long

(00:36:44):

did she die for 20 minutes she was gone for 20 minutes how is that possible i don't

(00:36:52):

really understand how i know like medically that can happen it's pretty rare um but

(00:37:01):

so i don't think she was

(00:37:03):

brain dead i think she was physically like just her heart was stopped um but it was

(00:37:11):

i would absolutely send it to you because it i had to stop it a few times because i

(00:37:17):

had to cry but it really gave me a huge sense of peace that i have never had um in

(00:37:26):

terms of connecting with lily um

(00:37:33):

And that is so cool.

(00:37:37):

But she was talking about how she we get to choose.

(00:37:43):

We choose when we leave.

(00:37:45):

And even if it's, you know, not the most ideal time, we still get that choice.

(00:37:53):

And I thought that was super interesting because and I don't know if this is your experience, but.

(00:38:01):

We are,

(00:38:02):

our number one goal with Lily was to have a peaceful death,

(00:38:06):

like as peaceful as possible because we knew she was,

(00:38:08):

you know,

(00:38:09):

she was already on oxygen and all sorts of other things.

(00:38:12):

And the last thing I wanted was to listen to things beeping and then that God awful

(00:38:17):

flatline sound,

(00:38:19):

you know?

(00:38:21):

And so I brought it up multiple times to doctors and hospice.

(00:38:25):

Like, I don't want any monitors when this happens.

(00:38:28):

I want to be alone.

(00:38:29):

I want quiet, like nothing.

(00:38:32):

And we got that.

(00:38:34):

And she, because like that week, she had awesome week.

(00:38:37):

She was alert.

(00:38:38):

She was interacting with us more than she had in a long time.

(00:38:41):

And so that was just such a huge blessing that we got that that week.

(00:38:48):

But I know she chose when to go because she had a really funny sense of humor.

(00:38:51):

And the very next day we were supposed to start our Christmas in July celebration.

(00:38:58):

because we knew she wasn't going to be there for christmas and so we were going to

(00:39:05):

do it that weekend and she went the day before and i was like yeah she did that on

(00:39:10):

purpose but it brought me a lot of comfort to know that like she knew it was time

(00:39:19):

she knew it was her time to leave her body but that her soul was going to be there

(00:39:23):

forever because

(00:39:25):

we have our soul contract and I'm,

(00:39:28):

I don't know if you've ever been able to feel that with your husband,

(00:39:31):

but you know,

(00:39:32):

it's,

(00:39:33):

it's a pretty special thing.

(00:39:34):

Once I, once I learned how to stop and listen.

(00:39:38):

Yeah.

(00:39:39):

I've been able to hear her a lot more lately and that's been really special.

(00:39:44):

Yeah.

(00:39:45):

I kind of get, I think,

(00:39:47):

feel kind of similarly with my husband that he it was special that that we got to

(00:39:53):

get married because I mean basically they said when we found out that he was ill

(00:39:59):

they had essentially said you know he's so ill we would be really really surprised

(00:40:03):

if he makes it past the next couple of weeks

(00:40:07):

and he hung around for a few months after that and I believe that was because he

(00:40:13):

wanted us to so badly for us to be able to get married and so we hung around even

(00:40:20):

the doctors couldn't understand it they were like you know it must just be pure

(00:40:23):

stubbornness that he's lasting this long because there's no medical reason um but

(00:40:31):

we yeah we were planning our wedding and we really wanted to be able to do that and

(00:40:35):

I think that is

(00:40:36):

what he was able to hold on for.

(00:40:39):

And then, you know, after that, it was just a couple of days until he passed away.

(00:40:44):

So I do think it's, it's similar.

(00:40:46):

That was, as you say, they know when it's time to go.

(00:40:50):

Yeah.

(00:40:52):

Sorry.

(00:40:53):

This is all just making me so emotional.

(00:40:55):

My heart's breaking for you.

(00:40:56):

I just, I am so,

(00:41:04):

I'm amazed and just, I admire you a lot.

(00:41:08):

And I know there was no other choice.

(00:41:11):

You had no other choice.

(00:41:12):

You had to keep going.

(00:41:13):

You have, you're still here.

(00:41:14):

You had to keep

(00:41:15):

trucking along and figuring out how to live post all of this awfulness,

(00:41:21):

but it doesn't make it any less admirable,

(00:41:23):

even if you know all that stuff.

(00:41:26):

I think the same about you.

(00:41:28):

And I mean,

(00:41:29):

I think part of it as well is,

(00:41:31):

I don't know about you,

(00:41:32):

but we,

(00:41:32):

we have that feeling of,

(00:41:33):

we want to do them proud.

(00:41:35):

Like we want to do their memory pride.

(00:41:36):

And for me, I want to think that he would look at me now and be proud of the way I've

(00:41:44):

oh he's so good to handle it I guess that's even the right yeah terminology but

(00:41:51):

just what I've been able to do and to just keep moving forward I hope that that he

(00:41:58):

would be proud of that as I'm sure Lily would be with you but I think that's the

(00:42:02):

the drive that we have isn't it when we go through something it's we want them to

(00:42:06):

be able to to look at us and be proud

(00:42:10):

Absolutely.

(00:42:10):

And he would be, he would be so, I mean, look at what you've done in six years.

(00:42:15):

Also, it's crazy.

(00:42:16):

That's been six years for you as well.

(00:42:18):

No, where does the time go?

(00:42:20):

I know.

(00:42:21):

It feels like such a conflicting feeling on one hand.

(00:42:26):

I can feel it like it was yesterday.

(00:42:28):

And on the other hand,

(00:42:29):

like it feels like a different person,

(00:42:32):

which I guess it was,

(00:42:33):

I am a different person.

(00:42:34):

I feel so, so near yet so far.

(00:42:37):

It's,

(00:42:41):

So true, though, because I mean, I can still see so many of those moments so vividly in my head.

(00:42:48):

I mean, the picture is perfect, perfectly clear.

(00:42:51):

But I'm not who I was then in so many different ways.

(00:42:56):

And I don't think we could be even if we wanted to be like something like that

(00:42:59):

changes you whether you like it or not.

(00:43:02):

I do believe that it actually chemically changes you.

(00:43:06):

There is some kind of physical,

(00:43:09):

physiological response that happens when you go through something tragic like that.

(00:43:15):

I'm just learning about that.

(00:43:16):

I'm reading Your Body Keeps Score.

(00:43:18):

I started that as well, actually.

(00:43:22):

I'm really enjoying it.

(00:43:24):

It's just a lot of information.

(00:43:25):

So I read like half of a chapter at a time.

(00:43:29):

But

(00:43:30):

i i wouldn't want to be that person to be honest um because she might you know like

(00:43:39):

you said you just want to give her a hug that's what i would want to do i would

(00:43:42):

want to give her a hug lost and terrified and because at this time as i was going

(00:43:47):

through this essentially on my own i live in a different country than my family we

(00:43:53):

didn't at that time have

(00:43:55):

the best relationship we hadn't for many years and we're we're in a good place now

(00:44:00):

but oh that makes me happy to hear back then we we hadn't spoken for many years and

(00:44:06):

so i was handling this on my uh as a you know a 29 year old yeah nursing my husband

(00:44:12):

and coping with the death alone and and packing up our home and having to move and

(00:44:16):

look for a new job and everything it was just handling on

(00:44:22):

my own so I just I look back at her now and she was just so terrified and I mean I

(00:44:28):

have huge respect for her but be that person now I almost feel like I want to just

(00:44:35):

go back and take care of her for real I just I was so angry I was so angry and I

(00:44:42):

was so I remember reaching like peak rage at about

(00:44:47):

six six to twelve months in I was just so angry at the world yes and everyone in it

(00:44:54):

and everyone I mean I don't feel this way now but it's part of the process isn't it

(00:44:58):

just being angry at looking around and seeing everyone doing what you thought you

(00:45:03):

would be doing and yes what you want to be doing alongside them and and just this

(00:45:07):

feeling of why like why not me why didn't

(00:45:12):

this happened the way it did.

(00:45:14):

And obviously that doesn't get you anywhere, but you don't learn that until further down the line.

(00:45:20):

Yeah.

(00:45:20):

And I don't think there's any stopping those kinds of thoughts and frustrations and

(00:45:27):

emotions because that's the natural human response.

(00:45:30):

You just don't understand.

(00:45:32):

And we naturally just want to understand.

(00:45:34):

Yeah.

(00:45:35):

We try and make sense of everything and some things just can't be made sense of.

(00:45:40):

Yeah.

(00:45:41):

And that was so hard for me to grapple with because I'm a much better control freak

(00:45:47):

than I was back then.

(00:45:48):

But back then, I mean, there was nothing I could do.

(00:45:55):

There was nothing I could do to change anything.

(00:45:57):

I couldn't control anything.

(00:45:58):

I couldn't fix anything.

(00:45:59):

I couldn't make anything better.

(00:46:01):

And that was just, I think I shut down at that point.

(00:46:07):

Yeah.

(00:46:08):

Because I didn't know what else to do.

(00:46:10):

And while I had family around me, I never shared anything with anybody.

(00:46:19):

That wasn't who I was.

(00:46:21):

I was a really private, emotional person.

(00:46:23):

It's interesting because a lot of people did not expect that.

(00:46:29):

because of how extroverted I am.

(00:46:32):

But the problem was, is I was an extrovert with an inability to allow myself to feel emotions.

(00:46:39):

So, you know, I isolated myself internally and just went really far, far inside of myself.

(00:46:49):

And I think that just made

(00:46:52):

it's so much scarier to be honest.

(00:46:57):

Um, and then I just blocked it all off and shut down.

(00:47:01):

And so I,

(00:47:03):

I,

(00:47:03):

I think that's like one of the things I say the most to people and probably the,

(00:47:10):

my biggest message on my sub stack is like,

(00:47:14):

you don't need to suffer alone.

(00:47:16):

Like,

(00:47:17):

you don't need to hide the horrible things you're thinking in your head.

(00:47:26):

Because I guarantee you someone else has thought that.

(00:47:28):

And just because you think something doesn't mean it's real.

(00:47:32):

And it's okay to think those things and go to someone and be like, oh my God, I just thought this.

(00:47:37):

They're like, well, let's talk about that.

(00:47:41):

And

(00:47:45):

I had one person that I could be, you know, that understood my anger and I could let it out with them.

(00:47:52):

But that was just one person and it was a tiny little part of it because they only

(00:47:56):

understood a tiny little part of it.

(00:47:59):

And I feel like you're giving that to people as well in terms of just getting their shit together.

(00:48:08):

You're a person that they can go to to look at and be like, oh, she talked about this.

(00:48:14):

Okay, let's listen to this again.

(00:48:15):

Because the way you talk about things, I'm going to listen to stuff again.

(00:48:19):

I'm going to want to.

(00:48:20):

I'm struggling with this.

(00:48:21):

I'm going to go search back through, you know, whatever, because everything's so practical.

(00:48:25):

And I like that.

(00:48:27):

I like practical things.

(00:48:29):

Yeah.

(00:48:30):

And so I just think that's really important.

(00:48:34):

really unique about what you have to offer.

(00:48:37):

But my, my other really favorite part about your podcast is it's applicable to everybody.

(00:48:46):

And I love that.

(00:48:48):

I love it.

(00:48:49):

Thank you for saying that because that was being my biggest aim from the start is

(00:48:54):

I'm well aware that the position I was in is thankfully not that common.

(00:49:00):

So if, you know, I,

(00:49:02):

if I was to start a podcast specifically aimed at people who are being widowed in

(00:49:06):

their twenties,

(00:49:07):

like that's going to be a pretty niche audience.

(00:49:09):

And the goal was never to focus solely on that.

(00:49:13):

Obviously that is a big part of the story and the reason for creating the podcast was

(00:49:19):

but that was why it was important to expand it into and have the general theme just

(00:49:24):

being of like going through any kind of hard shit any you know any kind of life

(00:49:30):

transitions reinventions unhappy whatever it is you can find something here useful

(00:49:36):

for you it's it's more about the overall theme rather than oh this has to have

(00:49:39):

happened to you too so that's always been and I'm

(00:49:43):

thinking about that constantly on every episode it's like how can i take the

(00:49:47):

lessons from my specific situation and use them in a way articulate them in a way

(00:49:52):

that someone can apply to them and whatever their specific situation is so it's

(00:49:58):

more about the the overall theme rather than the specifics so i'm so glad that that

(00:50:04):

yeah you find it helpful

(00:50:06):

Yeah,

(00:50:07):

especially because,

(00:50:08):

to be honest,

(00:50:08):

I wish I would have had your podcast when I was going through everything with Lily,

(00:50:12):

but that wouldn't have been possible because you were going through everything at

(00:50:15):

the same time.

(00:50:18):

But,

(00:50:18):

you know,

(00:50:19):

especially the people-pleasing one was one where I literally,

(00:50:25):

like,

(00:50:25):

stopped and wrote things down,

(00:50:27):

and I went back just to,

(00:50:28):

like,

(00:50:29):

really listen to it because I was –

(00:50:34):

chronic people pleaser for so long and that was something that really like broke

(00:50:40):

for me when willie was born because i didn't know how to balance that um

(00:50:48):

And so I either was a people pleaser or raging bitch.

(00:50:52):

Like I couldn't find the in-between.

(00:50:54):

Yeah.

(00:50:58):

And so now I've gotten a better handle on it,

(00:51:02):

but the practical tips in there,

(00:51:04):

we're just,

(00:51:05):

you know,

(00:51:05):

there's the day-to-day stuff.

(00:51:07):

I enjoy it when people do that because there's so much impractical, unpractical, impractical.

(00:51:15):

advice out there and just stuff that's just complete moonshots that I can't achieve

(00:51:20):

you know right in that moment and that's not the case with your podcast so I really

(00:51:26):

enjoy that we are about an hour in um so where's the time gone I know it's crazy

(00:51:35):

the same thing happened when I did this with Megan it just like took off um so

(00:51:42):

let's wrap up with

(00:51:45):

there was one thing that you could share today that you just want people to know

(00:51:50):

what would it be i guess just you know whatever it is wherever you're at whatever

(00:51:59):

you're going through

(00:52:02):

you can get through it.

(00:52:03):

Like, I mean, circling back again to just keep fucking going.

(00:52:06):

I don't want to keep repeating myself, but I promise you, whatever it is, you can get through it.

(00:52:12):

I've been there.

(00:52:13):

I've been in the moment where I thought there's absolutely no way that I can survive this and keep going.

(00:52:19):

And I never would have in a million years thought that six years later,

(00:52:25):

I could sit here and look back and feel like,

(00:52:30):

so hopeful for the future and excited about the future.

(00:52:33):

Like there was a time when I'd never,

(00:52:35):

I remember describing it to my best friend as just telling her,

(00:52:40):

all I can see ahead is like darkness and I can't picture a time when that is not

(00:52:45):

the case.

(00:52:46):

And so to be able to sit here six years later and,

(00:52:48):

and feel actually excited about what I'm doing and what I'm creating and at peace

(00:52:53):

with the way things have unfolded.

(00:52:55):

It just in that moment would have been unthinkable.

(00:53:00):

So if I can just say one thing,

(00:53:02):

it's that even if you don't believe me right now,

(00:53:04):

even if you can't see it,

(00:53:05):

even if you don't believe it,

(00:53:07):

You will be okay.

(00:53:08):

And at some point, however long from now, you will look back and think, yeah, she was right.

(00:53:16):

That random woman I listened to on that podcast, she was right.

(00:53:18):

I am okay.

(00:53:19):

I really, really...

(00:53:23):

I love that so much.

(00:53:24):

So that's really great advice.

(00:53:27):

So people can find you on Substack, Apple Podcasts, and Spotify as well.

(00:53:32):

Yes, the podcast.

(00:53:34):

It's my Substack.

(00:53:37):

And the podcast is available everywhere you get your podcasts.

(00:53:40):

It's called Getting Your Life Together.

(00:53:42):

It's hosted on Substack.

(00:53:44):

It's also on Apple, Spotify, Amazon.

(00:53:48):

And yeah, all of the links in...

(00:53:51):

of ways to to get in touch with me to work with me or to just come and say hi

(00:53:54):

they're all in in the show notes of all the episodes as well so i'm pretty pretty

(00:53:58):

easy to track down and i love to meet cool new people and and to talk so just yeah

(00:54:05):

get in get in touch if you want

(00:54:07):

Awesome.

(00:54:08):

I love that.

(00:54:08):

And I will make sure you're linked at the bottom of the transcript and I will make you,

(00:54:14):

you can add like contributors.

(00:54:16):

So if you're like on Substack, I can connect it.

(00:54:18):

So it automatically connects with yours, which is pretty cool.

(00:54:22):

So awesome.

(00:54:23):

All right.

(00:54:24):

Well, thank you so much, Gemma.

(00:54:25):

It has been such a wonderful conversation.

(00:54:28):

Thank you so much, Fun.

(00:54:29):

And I can't wait to have you on mine.

(00:54:31):

Yes, I'm very excited.

(00:54:33):

Yes.

(00:54:34):

Yeah, absolutely.

(00:54:35):

Absolutely.

(00:54:37):

All right.

(00:54:37):

Well, this has been the Curiosity Chronicles.

(00:54:40):

We are going to wrap up.

(00:54:41):

Thank you for listening to me, Taylor Cecilia Brooke and Gemma James.

(00:54:45):

It has been a wonderful conversation and we will talk to you guys later.

(00:00:00):

Okay, there it is.

(00:00:02):

Got it.

(00:00:03):

Okay.

(00:00:04):

Okay, hopefully it doesn't shut us down at 40 minutes, but maybe that's a good thing.

(00:00:08):

People will be like, oh my god.

(00:00:13):

Why?

(00:00:14):

Why are you doing this to us?

(00:00:16):

I mean,

(00:00:19):

to be fair,

(00:00:20):

Joe Rogan has podcasts that are like two hours long,

(00:00:25):

which is just mind-boggling to me.

(00:00:28):

Like, yeah, I could have

(00:00:29):

like conversations that long but it's just like it's really hard to listen to I

(00:00:33):

feel like I know I mean like I can do a movie but it has to be like hella like in

(00:00:40):

that mindset to listen and sit for two hours exactly because like I I listen to his

(00:00:47):

shit when I'm like meaning like literally like

(00:00:51):

my version of mind-numbing TV almost to like none of the controversial ones like I

(00:00:57):

listened to him and Roseanne Barr which she's freaking crazy by the way like whoa

(00:01:06):

but anyway okay back on on on the train track welcome

(00:01:13):

to the Curiosity Chronicles.

(00:01:16):

I am your host, Taylor Cecilia Brooke, and with me I have the most wonderful Megan Lee.

(00:01:22):

That's like what you're you're gonna go by, right?

(00:01:25):

Just like Megan Lee.

(00:01:27):

Okay, awesome.

(00:01:28):

And we're just gonna have a

(00:01:33):

casual discussion and really, really live up to the name of the Curiosity Chronicles.

(00:01:38):

So I was thinking that it would be a good idea if you introduced yourself and just

(00:01:45):

told everyone a little bit about yourself and like anything you think that's relevant.

(00:01:52):

Okay.

(00:01:53):

Let's see.

(00:01:54):

This is the question that fucks me up the most when you're like, tell me about yourself.

(00:01:57):

And I'm like, oh my God.

(00:01:59):

I don't know how to do that.

(00:02:01):

I literally have amnesia from all of my years on this planet.

(00:02:09):

I'm like, I'm the most boring person.

(00:02:12):

Um, yes.

(00:02:13):

Um, let's see.

(00:02:14):

So I, I live in the Midwest.

(00:02:16):

I live in a boring,

(00:02:16):

uh,

(00:02:17):

flyover state,

(00:02:18):

although I've,

(00:02:19):

I've decided that I don't live in the most boring flyover state.

(00:02:21):

So I have like that determination.

(00:02:24):

Oh yeah.

(00:02:26):

I probably live in the, I don't know.

(00:02:28):

I lived in Kansas.

(00:02:30):

That's a toss up.

(00:02:31):

Like, okay.

(00:02:33):

I'm in Oklahoma right now.

(00:02:34):

And it's like, I don't know which one's more boring.

(00:02:38):

Dee's from Nebraska.

(00:02:39):

So it's like.

(00:02:43):

So I'm in Wisconsin.

(00:02:44):

I'm like, everyone is like the cheesehead state.

(00:02:48):

So that's actually that's so funny.

(00:02:51):

Dee's up there right now for work training.

(00:02:53):

And we were looking at vacationing in Wisconsin Dells.

(00:02:57):

Oh, I'm actually going there with my daughter next month because it's a blast.

(00:03:02):

They've got like some killer deals on hotels,

(00:03:06):

like cheap hotels that have,

(00:03:08):

you get like a room for four nights,

(00:03:11):

you get four passes to their water,

(00:03:14):

to the big fancy water park,

(00:03:17):

four passes to something else,

(00:03:18):

and then like the hotel itself has like two pools or something,

(00:03:23):

like one indoor,

(00:03:23):

one outdoor,

(00:03:24):

and they have like epic slides.

(00:03:26):

I'm just like,

(00:03:26):

What the fuck?

(00:03:27):

Why isn't everywhere like this?

(00:03:29):

Hey, you know what?

(00:03:31):

I can probably rep my state on that front.

(00:03:33):

And it's actually really a great destination for kids.

(00:03:38):

Yeah, so it's definitely one we're going to keep on our list.

(00:03:42):

But anyway, okay, so you're in the Midwest.

(00:03:44):

Yes.

(00:03:46):

Lovely Midwest.

(00:03:47):

Glad we got that shame out of the way.

(00:03:51):

I have an eight-year-old daughter, single mom.

(00:03:54):

Been that way for most of the time.

(00:03:56):

I was married a long time ago.

(00:03:58):

Got married.

(00:03:59):

married very young and mistakes were made, lessons were learned.

(00:04:08):

But you know, I also, I love lessons that I've learned and I'm sure you can relate.

(00:04:14):

You wouldn't be where you are today if you hadn't gone down those paths.

(00:04:17):

So here we are.

(00:04:19):

And oh my God, it's like before divorce, after divorce, before that, after that.

(00:04:25):

Yeah.

(00:04:26):

Yeah, I have all of those.

(00:04:28):

Yes.

(00:04:29):

Yes.

(00:04:29):

And it's like,

(00:04:31):

there was that turning point for me where I was like,

(00:04:32):

okay,

(00:04:33):

I now have to figure out a lot of shit on my own.

(00:04:36):

And it's kind of, I feel like that was like about six years ago now.

(00:04:42):

And it's kind of just been on this like path of being like, all right, who am I?

(00:04:45):

What do I want to do with my life?

(00:04:47):

How do I make a life that I actually love and want?

(00:04:50):

And that just kind of has been the journey that I've been on the last several years.

(00:04:55):

until present day I I feel all of that so much and like completely relate so who do

(00:05:04):

you feel like you're stepping into like being are you do you feel like you're

(00:05:09):

getting closer to who you think like your your highest self is or where do you

(00:05:14):

think you are in that process

(00:05:16):

Oh, Jesus.

(00:05:17):

I feel like some days I'm really feeling good about myself.

(00:05:21):

And I'm like, yes, this is what life is about.

(00:05:24):

This is amazing.

(00:05:25):

Like I'm journaling and like faith, manifestation, quantum physics.

(00:05:29):

And then the next day I'm like in this hole of shit.

(00:05:31):

And I'm like, what hole did I crawl into?

(00:05:35):

And how do I get out?

(00:05:37):

I literally, like, two days ago, it was like, yes, all these affirmations.

(00:05:42):

I was feeling them.

(00:05:43):

I was feeling everything.

(00:05:45):

And then, like, earlier today, I was fucking bawling in the garage while smoking.

(00:05:49):

Why?

(00:05:52):

Oh, my God.

(00:05:54):

I do feel like it's,

(00:05:57):

if I look at myself on a map,

(00:05:58):

I'm like,

(00:05:58):

okay,

(00:05:59):

I have definitely grown in the last,

(00:06:03):

you know,

(00:06:03):

six years.

(00:06:05):

And with growth comes more awareness and more awareness makes you be like,

(00:06:09):

holy shit,

(00:06:10):

I have so much more to learn.

(00:06:11):

It's like a double edged sword.

(00:06:13):

It really is.

(00:06:15):

For sure.

(00:06:15):

Yeah, I totally I totally get that.

(00:06:19):

And I feel that because it's just like.

(00:06:24):

It's hard not to compare because they're not kidding when they say comparison is

(00:06:29):

the thief of joy,

(00:06:30):

you know,

(00:06:31):

so it's like you're trying to not compare,

(00:06:34):

but you're

(00:06:36):

that bitch is like, you need to go, you need to go look like you need, you need to compare yourself.

(00:06:42):

Damn it.

(00:06:44):

Oh my God.

(00:06:45):

That's, that's one of the things that fucks me up the most in my life.

(00:06:49):

I really believe it's comparing, comparing myself.

(00:06:51):

That is something that like ruminates in my mind.

(00:06:53):

I'm like,

(00:06:54):

if I could just fix the comparisonitis,

(00:06:57):

like disease that I have permeating my body,

(00:07:00):

my life would be perfect.

(00:07:01):

I wouldn't care.

(00:07:02):

There'd be no yardstick.

(00:07:04):

I would have this elusive inner peace that I think is like the highest standard and

(00:07:08):

that everything would fall into place.

(00:07:10):

And I'm like, why is it so goddamn hard for me to not, like, why can't I just mind my own business?

(00:07:16):

Why am I like looking around what everyone else is doing?

(00:07:18):

Fucking for real.

(00:07:20):

Like, I will say that I feel like I found that it was

(00:07:26):

It's a lot easier to not do it as much.

(00:07:29):

Like the bursts of that comparison are less than they were when I was like really

(00:07:36):

heavy on Instagram and Facebook and Pinterest.

(00:07:39):

I don't know if you feel the same way,

(00:07:41):

but like with Substack,

(00:07:42):

it feels like there are days where I'm like,

(00:07:44):

oh my God,

(00:07:45):

I want to be her.

(00:07:46):

But that's about as far as it goes.

(00:07:49):

Yeah.

(00:07:50):

It's not as much as like,

(00:07:51):

oh my god,

(00:07:52):

they have this many subscribers and they're doing this and they're doing that.

(00:07:56):

So...

(00:07:58):

I feel that I actually got off of Instagram.

(00:08:02):

I mean, that was, and TikTok, like the main ones, like two years ago now.

(00:08:07):

And because it was,

(00:08:08):

it was getting to this point where I like the likes and you know,

(00:08:12):

who is responding to my stuff and who is engaging.

(00:08:15):

And it was just such a energy suck of mine.

(00:08:18):

And I had so much, I like got so much validation out of it.

(00:08:22):

And it was so amazing.

(00:08:23):

Wrong.

(00:08:23):

It was so shallow.

(00:08:24):

It was so empty.

(00:08:26):

And so I was like, I can't, I can't do that anymore.

(00:08:28):

And I agree.

(00:08:29):

Substack feels very different because it's, it's not as like external focused.

(00:08:34):

It's a lot more like reflection and people sharing their thoughts and it feels a lot more genuine.

(00:08:38):

And, and I still, it's not necessarily Substack that I compare myself to.

(00:08:43):

I just...

(00:08:44):

I don't know.

(00:08:45):

I have these chips on my shoulder that are my own chips on my shoulders,

(00:08:48):

but like for certain things,

(00:08:49):

like with my career or like life goals,

(00:08:53):

it's like,

(00:08:53):

oh,

(00:08:54):

how are these people doing it?

(00:08:55):

And I'm not.

(00:08:55):

Yeah.

(00:08:56):

Yeah.

(00:08:57):

I'm like, yeah, no, I do get that.

(00:09:00):

I get that for sure.

(00:09:05):

So if you can, like, tell us a little bit about like,

(00:09:15):

what your day job kind of looks like with like what you do without like revealing

(00:09:20):

anything that you don't want to reveal,

(00:09:21):

obviously.

(00:09:23):

Yes.

(00:09:24):

So I'm in the marketing space.

(00:09:27):

I work at a,

(00:09:29):

It's a interesting intersection because it's in the,

(00:09:33):

I'm doing air quotes,

(00:09:34):

public affairs space,

(00:09:35):

because that is something like three years ago,

(00:09:38):

I'd have been like,

(00:09:38):

what the fuck is public affairs?

(00:09:40):

I would have been like, I'm going to pretend I know what it means, but I don't know what it means.

(00:09:45):

And so...

(00:09:46):

I quickly learned that it's not the same thing as politics and people will look at

(00:09:50):

you like you're sideways if you think that public affairs and politics are the same thing.

(00:09:55):

So it's, you know, we're helping nonprofits, we're working in that space.

(00:09:59):

And I also have realized that I

(00:10:02):

Again, I'm like, oh my God, my employer can never know that this exists.

(00:10:05):

But I just, I don't have any desire to be anywhere near the political adjacent space anymore at all.

(00:10:14):

Like I'm so, so done with it.

(00:10:17):

And that's not to say that there's not great people in there that,

(00:10:20):

that can exist,

(00:10:21):

but they're the exception.

(00:10:23):

And, and so it's just, I like marketing.

(00:10:27):

I like certain parts of marketing,

(00:10:28):

but why I got into marketing,

(00:10:30):

why I thought I wanted to get into like the political side of it no longer exists

(00:10:35):

in any way,

(00:10:35):

shape or form within me at all.

(00:10:37):

And so, um,

(00:10:39):

Even in the role that I do right now,

(00:10:40):

I kind of work as like a doing video producing role and working on the creative

(00:10:45):

team on creative projects.

(00:10:49):

The stuff that I really love doing,

(00:10:50):

to be honest,

(00:10:51):

just kind of gets like lost in what I get to in what I do.

(00:10:56):

And it's my like, yeah, it's just it's not it's not there.

(00:11:01):

So it's actually a really big pain point.

(00:11:02):

It's actually going to make it into my newsletter tomorrow that's coming out about the woes of my job.

(00:11:07):

So.

(00:11:08):

Ooh, I'm excited to read that.

(00:11:10):

I love your newsletters.

(00:11:13):

Thank you.

(00:11:13):

I got to say though,

(00:11:15):

like this,

(00:11:16):

it's funny that you brought that up because I,

(00:11:19):

my job has been very much a source of angst for me lately.

(00:11:23):

Yeah.

(00:11:25):

I feel that.

(00:11:26):

I actually have a post coming out about that.

(00:11:29):

On next Thursday.

(00:11:30):

I think.

(00:11:33):

Yes.

(00:11:35):

Yeah.

(00:11:36):

So yeah.

(00:11:38):

I do very much.

(00:11:41):

Understand that.

(00:11:43):

Like my current job right now.

(00:11:45):

Like I'm good at it.

(00:11:47):

And I don't.

(00:11:49):

Hate it.

(00:11:51):

But like.

(00:11:53):

It's just not like.

(00:11:57):

what I need anymore so yeah it's just like there's just other things that I feel

(00:12:03):

like it's like the universe is telling me it's time to like it's time to do some

(00:12:08):

other things now but like you're saying that shit like there when you have like

(00:12:14):

other people i.e.

(00:12:16):

little things relying on you like it's not as simple as just like oh let's just try this it's not no

(00:12:27):

It's like you feel, you're like, oh my God, I have a job.

(00:12:29):

I'm employed.

(00:12:30):

I'm getting paid every month.

(00:12:32):

And it's like to want more or want outside of that,

(00:12:36):

either you feel guilty,

(00:12:37):

you feel like you're going to rock the boat.

(00:12:39):

Like what if you crack something open that you can't recover from?

(00:12:42):

It's like, oh my God.

(00:12:44):

All of that, literally all of that.

(00:12:48):

It's so, and like, it doesn't matter how many fucking like,

(00:12:54):

empowerment books you fucking read like it just it's uh when you've been in that

(00:13:05):

position it's just so difficult to get out of i actually think the most recent book

(00:13:12):

that i just finished um was i think it's called we should all be millionaires or

(00:13:17):

something like that um

(00:13:20):

It's been my favorite money book so far because she was a single mom who grew up in

(00:13:25):

poverty and like was really broke.

(00:13:28):

She had like no money in college, had, you know, three, like so much debt, so much debt.

(00:13:34):

And I was like, oh, I can actually relate to all of this now.

(00:13:37):

Now I didn't grow up in like true poverty, but you know, wasn't like, we were like lower middle class.

(00:13:46):

And I, yeah.

(00:13:49):

Yeah.

(00:13:50):

Yeah, it's been a journey with my finances since then.

(00:13:55):

Oh, my God.

(00:13:55):

The money scarcity, the money fear.

(00:13:57):

That one's a hard one for me to work through.

(00:14:00):

There are some deep, deep-seated, I feel like generational shit that is hard to overcome.

(00:14:08):

Yeah, and it sucks because I agree.

(00:14:11):

There's some serious generational shit that I don't know what they are because –

(00:14:17):

they weren't mine and I have no access to those people, but like, they have to come from somewhere.

(00:14:23):

And like,

(00:14:24):

I see the patterns and I'm,

(00:14:26):

I was the one next in line for that when it's,

(00:14:28):

you know,

(00:14:29):

going through and I have no access to the person who started it.

(00:14:33):

But I'm assuming it has something to do with the Great Depression.

(00:14:36):

I mean, logically, that makes a lot of sense.

(00:14:41):

Yeah.

(00:14:42):

Yeah.

(00:14:43):

That's the only thing where I'm like, okay, maybe.

(00:14:46):

I'm like, you know what?

(00:14:47):

I can kind of give those ancestors a pass.

(00:14:50):

That would be some hard shit to go through.

(00:14:53):

Oh, for sure.

(00:14:55):

Like, I can't.

(00:14:59):

I can't even imagine,

(00:15:00):

like,

(00:15:00):

if you think about what happened during the French Revolution,

(00:15:04):

like,

(00:15:04):

that wasn't that much earlier.

(00:15:06):

And they were literally fucking burning money in barrels to warm up because that

(00:15:11):

was cheaper than,

(00:15:13):

like,

(00:15:14):

paying for stuff.

(00:15:15):

Because their, like, whatever their dollar was, I don't remember, had lost all its value.

(00:15:21):

And I just remember, like, the first time I learned that, my mind just, like, breaking.

(00:15:25):

Yeah.

(00:15:26):

what how could that how does that even happen I know that's insane that's insane

(00:15:35):

super insane okay now that we've gone off topic for the one trillionth time because

(00:15:42):

that's the theme in my life um what is like

(00:15:48):

Okay,

(00:15:49):

first,

(00:15:49):

tell us a little bit about your sub stack and like what your goals and dreams are

(00:15:56):

with them.

(00:15:58):

Yeah, so I've always loved writing.

(00:16:01):

That's like the one common thread that I can piece together through my life.

(00:16:05):

And I'm like, writing makes sense.

(00:16:07):

I feel alive.

(00:16:08):

I love it.

(00:16:09):

It brings me joy, all this kind of stuff.

(00:16:11):

And so I had started like...

(00:16:16):

marketing side hustle business like several years ago and I built up a little

(00:16:20):

newsletter and then I was like well I want to go into like politics and make the

(00:16:24):

world a better place so I just like shut that all down like ghosted for like four

(00:16:29):

years and so I

(00:16:32):

But hearing about Substack and I was like, you know what?

(00:16:34):

This sounds really cool.

(00:16:35):

I've been feeling this like urge,

(00:16:37):

you know,

(00:16:37):

inside of you where your soul is just like,

(00:16:39):

it needs to write.

(00:16:40):

It needs to be seen.

(00:16:41):

And I had just like, I was like really insecure about it.

(00:16:44):

I'm like, oh, but the stuff I want to write about, I'm like, I don't know, man.

(00:16:47):

How is this going to come across?

(00:16:48):

It's either going to be like people get it or they're like stone me, you know?

(00:16:54):

So I...

(00:16:58):

I don't know.

(00:16:58):

It was just,

(00:16:59):

it's that point where it's like,

(00:17:00):

okay,

(00:17:01):

either you're going to be miserable because you don't do it or you're just going to like,

(00:17:05):

go ahead and do it.

(00:17:05):

So I was like, all right, I'm going to create this sub stack and thank the Lord.

(00:17:10):

I was from the get-go.

(00:17:11):

I was myself.

(00:17:12):

I was like, I'm just going to put it out there.

(00:17:14):

And so I,

(00:17:16):

Um,

(00:17:16):

it's just,

(00:17:18):

it's,

(00:17:18):

I started it with a different name and now it's called Shane sandwich because I

(00:17:22):

realized a lot of the stuff that was coming out was I wanted to talk about just be authentic,

(00:17:27):

just share the shit that's inside of me.

(00:17:29):

It feels good.

(00:17:30):

I like doing it.

(00:17:30):

I want to connect with other people.

(00:17:32):

And so it's, it's just kind of, it's funny.

(00:17:35):

Number one, I want to make people laugh.

(00:17:36):

I love laughter.

(00:17:37):

I think it's very cathartic and very healing.

(00:17:40):

So it's, uh, sometimes it's just funny.

(00:17:44):

Sometimes it's,

(00:17:45):

talking about shame, like my own shame, my own journey to live my own best life.

(00:17:50):

And ultimately the goal with it is to inspire other people to live their best life

(00:17:55):

by living my own best life,

(00:17:56):

leading by example.

(00:17:58):

And I guess long-term goal, I would love to monetize it.

(00:18:02):

I would love to get paid for my writing.

(00:18:04):

That

(00:18:07):

Now, the fucked up, like, oh, my God, well, how are you going to do this?

(00:18:10):

How are you going to do that?

(00:18:11):

How in the world can you make that happen?

(00:18:13):

Going on inside my brain right now is a whole other conversation.

(00:18:17):

But when I can silence those bitches, that would be amazing.

(00:18:21):

I want to write books, memoirs.

(00:18:25):

like coffee table swearing books, like all, all the above.

(00:18:28):

So I love that idea.

(00:18:31):

Oh my God.

(00:18:33):

That'd be so fucking fun.

(00:18:35):

That is a book I would actually put on a coffee table if I had a coffee table,

(00:18:38):

but I would put it on my bookcase for sure.

(00:18:41):

Like as a display book, like it would be so fun.

(00:18:45):

Oh my God.

(00:18:45):

I love that idea.

(00:18:47):

Did you see that?

(00:18:51):

I'm blanking on her name.

(00:18:54):

Maggie.

(00:18:57):

The other one who swears a lot?

(00:18:58):

Oh, Maggie John, yes.

(00:19:00):

Yes, yes, okay.

(00:19:04):

Did you see my comment?

(00:19:06):

She said something about, oh yeah, the holy swearity.

(00:19:11):

No, I don't think I saw that.

(00:19:12):

Was that from earlier today?

(00:19:13):

Yeah.

(00:19:13):

Yeah.

(00:19:13):

They called, she's like, we could be the holy swearity.

(00:19:16):

And I was like, that'd be a good podcast name.

(00:19:19):

That is hilarious.

(00:19:21):

That is a good podcast name.

(00:19:23):

Oh my God.

(00:19:24):

I love it.

(00:19:25):

Yeah.

(00:19:25):

You posted somewhere.

(00:19:27):

It was in one of your newsletters where you wanted like, you're like, can we just have like,

(00:19:33):

a group like where we say fuck it yeah the fucking mastermind yeah and we pay to be

(00:19:40):

like there like it's like monthly we hold each other accountable did you see how

(00:19:44):

many people were like yes I'm in uh I don't know maybe there's been more people

(00:19:50):

that I haven't seen after the fact there was probably like I think like five people

(00:19:54):

were like yeah let's do this like I'm in I would love this I'm just like this is

(00:19:59):

great oh my god

(00:20:03):

So I have had that dream of doing the Fuck It Mastermind.

(00:20:06):

I was actually in this mastermind like several years ago and I loved it.

(00:20:13):

It was like such a cool experience.

(00:20:15):

Like I realized I love like the community of like accountability,

(00:20:19):

number one,

(00:20:19):

because otherwise I will like fuck myself over.

(00:20:22):

Yeah.

(00:20:22):

yep big time yes I'm so good at procrastination good so god so I was like oh my god

(00:20:29):

this mastermind it feels so cool you can like bounce ideas out of people you can

(00:20:33):

talk to people that get it or in the trenches and I was like I want to do that and

(00:20:37):

then I was like oh but it like it has to be like the fucking mastermind like fuck

(00:20:41):

it live your best life you know so this has been like a dream for like years all

(00:20:45):

that to say so that would be amazing okay so if it's a dream how do we fucking make

(00:20:50):

this happen then because like

(00:20:53):

there's clearly interest and i'm like all for all that kind of shit and i'm like

(00:20:58):

the ultimate hype girl which is where lucy my youngest gets that from like if you

(00:21:03):

need a fucking cheerleader in her in your life she is your girl she can cheer you

(00:21:08):

on even when you're losing like she's just the sweetest oh my god that's so cute

(00:21:14):

she said to me literally on the phone just now she's like

(00:21:17):

I just want you to be with me forever, mommy.

(00:21:20):

Oh, that's so precious.

(00:21:24):

That melts my heart.

(00:21:26):

I know.

(00:21:27):

I know.

(00:21:28):

I know.

(00:21:28):

But anyway, we should definitely like brainstorm on how we should do this.

(00:21:35):

It's so funny because literally earlier when I was listening to the We Should All Be Millionaires book,

(00:21:43):

I was at the very end and you have this challenge where like they challenge you to make 10K in 10 days.

(00:21:49):

And it's like brainstorm ways to do this.

(00:21:52):

And I was like, huh, interesting.

(00:21:54):

And so I just started like thinking about different things.

(00:22:00):

And I was like, okay, what could I host?

(00:22:01):

Because it talks about a lot of things like masterminds and stuff like that, retreats.

(00:22:05):

And I was like, what could I do?

(00:22:07):

Because I don't have anything to really teach anybody.

(00:22:10):

Not that I'm actually passionate about, you know.

(00:22:13):

Like, I can't teach people how to talk without an off button.

(00:22:19):

That's just genetic.

(00:22:25):

But then you said it's your dream.

(00:22:28):

And I was like, okay, well, for her, we need to figure out how to make this happen for you.

(00:22:32):

Because, like, you deserve to see your dreams come true.

(00:22:37):

And I feel like that's, like, something that people would be, like, 100% in for.

(00:22:43):

So, yeah.

(00:22:46):

Oh, you're such a sweet hype woman.

(00:22:48):

Your daughter, if she's, like, I know she's like you.

(00:22:50):

That is the sweetest combination.

(00:22:52):

Oh, my God.

(00:22:52):

You guys are so cute.

(00:22:54):

I love it.

(00:23:01):

Okay.

(00:23:02):

So, now that we have gotten all of the

(00:23:13):

basics out of the way let's see i don't even know how to tell how much time we have

(00:23:17):

left so annoying i know there should be like a countdown for real up front with

(00:23:24):

this stuff right oh well okay so what okay

(00:23:41):

after like being on the platform this this time like how long have you been on the

(00:23:46):

platform I joined at the end of May I believe so like two months I think okay okay

(00:23:56):

dang good job I did come with

(00:24:02):

I know,

(00:24:02):

I did come with,

(00:24:03):

I had my little,

(00:24:05):

my existing list that I had ghosted for three years that I brought with me,

(00:24:10):

which I don't think any of them are like,

(00:24:15):

I don't know what they're doing.

(00:24:16):

I have no idea what they think of me.

(00:24:17):

They're probably like, who the hell is this crazy person?

(00:24:20):

Yeah, that's how I feel like about the tiny little list that I brought over too.

(00:24:23):

I think there's probably only like three people like in that whole list that

(00:24:28):

actually read any of my shit.

(00:24:30):

I know.

(00:24:32):

you know what it like made me feel better I was like at least I know I'm not gonna

(00:24:36):

be talking to zero people exactly yes like I was like okay well at least this last

(00:24:42):

year fucking peddling myself all over Facebook and Pinterest and Instagram gave me

(00:24:47):

something yeah exactly so okay

(00:24:58):

Shit.

(00:24:59):

I've completely lost my train of thought.

(00:25:00):

I hate when this happens.

(00:25:02):

Okay.

(00:25:03):

Let's do something fun.

(00:25:08):

What is the weirdest thing about you?

(00:25:10):

And I'll answer so you don't feel alone.

(00:25:13):

Oh, Jesus.

(00:25:13):

Okay.

(00:25:15):

I hate myself,

(00:25:15):

but the first thing that popped into my head when you said that is I can make some

(00:25:21):

of the weirdest facial expressions,

(00:25:23):

which I don't want to do right now.

(00:25:25):

But

(00:25:27):

Okay, you want to know something really funny?

(00:25:29):

I don't even know where I saw.

(00:25:31):

I think it was like a book from the library I got my daughter.

(00:25:35):

And it was like, I think it was Olympic.

(00:25:39):

Or no, what's that thing called?

(00:25:40):

They have the world records.

(00:25:43):

The Guinness Book of World Records?

(00:25:44):

Guinness Book of World Records.

(00:25:46):

And there was this thing in there.

(00:25:47):

I think it's called ghouling.

(00:25:49):

And there's a competition for contorting your face into the weirdest shapes.

(00:25:53):

And Taylor, I'm not kidding you.

(00:25:54):

I was like...

(00:25:56):

i'm normal i'm like you need to tell me there's more of me oh my god it is the i i

(00:26:03):

don't know i've never seen anybody like make the weirdest faces my daughter i'll do

(00:26:07):

it either she thinks it's she's like getting older now and sometimes she thinks

(00:26:10):

it's like mom but she also thinks it's hilarious so very weird i swear like i i

(00:26:18):

swear somehow we are we we are related because like

(00:26:23):

okay so this is a thing about me and it's hilarious because my daughter does it too

(00:26:29):

uh when i was a kid i would like stand in front of the mirror and like just make

(00:26:35):

the strangest faces like you know see how far my tongue can reach in different

(00:26:40):

directions i taught myself like i eventually figured out how to wiggle my ears and

(00:26:45):

that kind of stuff

(00:26:49):

So funny.

(00:26:50):

I know.

(00:26:51):

And like, I'm a very animated talker.

(00:26:53):

I've literally like thrown things and knocked shit over while talking because I'm

(00:26:58):

moving my hands too fucking much.

(00:27:00):

My ex-husband used to hold my hands when I would talk because it pissed him off so much.

(00:27:07):

Red flag.

(00:27:07):

Right?

(00:27:10):

I literally, I wrote down a title for an article, flags that I thought were green that were actually red.

(00:27:15):

Oh my God.

(00:27:17):

That is such a good title.

(00:27:19):

I would read the shit out of that.

(00:27:21):

Yeah, so, but the facial expressions, I make the craziest ones.

(00:27:29):

And Lucy,

(00:27:31):

like,

(00:27:32):

she has,

(00:27:34):

like,

(00:27:34):

this whole world in her head that is not even relevant to everything else outside

(00:27:42):

in reality.

(00:27:43):

And

(00:27:46):

she will just be sitting there and she's like making all of these like super funny

(00:27:52):

faces and she's just thinking about like what it's like if she rode a dragon with

(00:27:58):

her stepsister through the candy cane forest like it's so precious i love it oh i

(00:28:07):

know somehow i raised like this like

(00:28:10):

little doll but I mean we also have our intricacies because that's like all

(00:28:14):

children but the faces I've caught her doing them in the mirror oh my god that's so

(00:28:25):

crazy how genetics work that's fascinating yeah yeah so cute

(00:28:31):

Well, and I've learned so much about genetics within the last like six, seven years, six years, really.

(00:28:40):

Cause like it,

(00:28:40):

I mean,

(00:28:40):

everything started with learning all about the stuff with Lily and like how all of

(00:28:44):

that happened and how to prevent it and all that stuff.

(00:28:46):

And it just like went off from there.

(00:28:48):

I really enjoy like genetics and epigenetics and that kind of stuff.

(00:28:56):

So it is super interesting to,

(00:28:59):

But I do I do think that there's a little bit of like, oh, we have 10 minutes.

(00:29:05):

OK, that's good to know.

(00:29:06):

We will wrap this up.

(00:29:10):

I do think there's a little there was a little bit of reflecting that she learned

(00:29:13):

how to talk like that because for like.

(00:29:16):

For, like, 14 months, it was really just me and her all day, every day.

(00:29:21):

And I had no one to talk to because I lived in bumfuck nowhere Oklahoma and bumfuck nowhere Texas.

(00:29:27):

And I was alone with just her and the dog.

(00:29:29):

And she was the only thing I had to talk to.

(00:29:31):

So... Talked all day.

(00:29:35):

And, I mean, she was, like, talking, talking by the time she was one.

(00:29:39):

Are you serious?

(00:29:42):

Oh, yeah.

(00:29:42):

Like, she was... She had...

(00:29:45):

like two she could do two full sentences by the time she was 18 months like she can

(00:29:51):

talk her vocabulary is like insane like blows my mind she's cattywampus correctly i

(00:29:58):

was like the fuck that is amazing

(00:30:05):

But,

(00:30:06):

okay,

(00:30:06):

is there anything,

(00:30:07):

like,

(00:30:07):

before we close this up,

(00:30:10):

is there anything that,

(00:30:12):

like,

(00:30:12):

you wanted to ask or wanted to say or wanted to promote or anything like that?

(00:30:17):

I'm terrible with on-the-spot questions.

(00:30:24):

I don't think so.

(00:30:25):

I would just say the message that I guess I always want to promote and that I'm always,

(00:30:30):

like,

(00:30:30):

trying to tell myself and everyone else is just,

(00:30:34):

be yourself,

(00:30:35):

even if it's like messy right now,

(00:30:37):

even if you're not sure what exactly like the next phase of your journey is going

(00:30:42):

to be like,

(00:30:43):

like just do it because that's the only thing that's going to lead to any sense of clarity.

(00:30:46):

It's the only thing that's going to lead to any sense of like peace about yourself

(00:30:51):

and acceptance and all that kind of stuff.

(00:30:52):

So being on Substack these last, you know, two months, cause I've been here for so long.

(00:30:59):

If it's, if it's shown me anything, it is that

(00:31:02):

Nothing feels better than, than being yourself.

(00:31:05):

And that doesn't mean that it's,

(00:31:06):

you know,

(00:31:06):

you're going to figure yourself,

(00:31:07):

yourself out right away that it's going to be like,

(00:31:08):

oh my God,

(00:31:09):

everything is perfect.

(00:31:10):

And I never have like demons in my head that are like,

(00:31:12):

you know,

(00:31:12):

telling me like,

(00:31:13):

oh,

(00:31:13):

you're never going to get anywhere.

(00:31:15):

Definitely doesn't mean that,

(00:31:18):

but it's much better,

(00:31:20):

better than the alternative of,

(00:31:22):

of not doing the thing that,

(00:31:23):

you know,

(00:31:24):

you're meant to be doing.

(00:31:26):

So yeah, I need to hear that.

(00:31:29):

And whoever needs to hear that, that's for you as well.

(00:31:33):

I love it.

(00:31:34):

I love it.

(00:31:34):

And it's 100% true.

(00:31:35):

And I think that is one of the things that I love the most about Substack.

(00:31:44):

Like, the fact that you and I can just sit here and cuss as much as we fucking want.

(00:31:48):

Like, I feel zero need to filter myself at all.

(00:31:52):

And it's really cool because, like, the rest of the platforms, you can't do that.

(00:31:58):

No.

(00:31:58):

Honestly, Taylor, I was so excited to talk to you tonight because I...

(00:32:03):

was like,

(00:32:03):

I don't have to worry about being somebody else or being like professional or worry

(00:32:09):

about what I'm going to say.

(00:32:10):

And that's so rare.

(00:32:11):

I mean, first of all, you're a fabulous human being.

(00:32:14):

Like, I love you.

(00:32:15):

You're amazing.

(00:32:16):

And so like you definitely create that space,

(00:32:20):

but it's also,

(00:32:22):

you know,

(00:32:23):

like Substack also welcomes that and is,

(00:32:25):

you know,

(00:32:26):

conducive to that.

(00:32:27):

So I agree.

(00:32:28):

It's really cool.

(00:32:30):

Yeah, and that means a lot because that's really what my goal is.

(00:32:34):

Like,

(00:32:34):

I just want people to feel like they have a space where they can feel safe to be

(00:32:40):

their weird motherfucking self.

(00:32:42):

Like,

(00:32:43):

for all the people who like to cuss like sailors,

(00:32:45):

but they're pretty little girls,

(00:32:46):

like,

(00:32:47):

we've got you.

(00:32:48):

We've got a little corner for you over here.

(00:32:51):

It's great over here.

(00:32:53):

Right?

(00:32:54):

Like, I'm like, it's great.

(00:32:55):

It's great.

(00:32:56):

So,

(00:32:57):

and,

(00:32:57):

like,

(00:32:57):

I can do things,

(00:32:58):

like,

(00:32:58):

talk about,

(00:32:59):

like,

(00:32:59):

literally have,

(00:32:59):

like,

(00:33:00):

potentially the dead kid club,

(00:33:01):

you know?

(00:33:01):

Like, that shit, like, every other platform has been, like, when I've, like, even thrown that out there.

(00:33:09):

They're just, like, they can't handle the...

(00:33:15):

bluntness of it which is just like what that's what it is all of us have children

(00:33:20):

that died like how do you why do we need to sugarcoat it um so thank you that means

(00:33:29):

a lot and it was an absolute pleasure absolute pleasure talking with you and i'm

(00:33:36):

super excited to work on your uh little uh

(00:33:42):

bucket mastermind which works perfectly with my like love of unfucking shit i love

(00:33:49):

that um and can so you're you're on sub stack and that's about it correct correct

(00:33:57):

yes okay awesome and what is your sub stack handle and it's the newsletter name is

(00:34:03):

shame sandwich correct

(00:34:04):

Yes, and I believe the, it might be actually my name, at Megan Lee, my handle.

(00:34:11):

That's actually a good question.

(00:34:13):

Yeah, I think mine's at Taylor Cecilia Brigg.

(00:34:16):

I just changed the name of my sub stack, though.

(00:34:18):

Did you see that?

(00:34:20):

No, like, just like...

(00:34:24):

i changed it today i think i think it was yesterday i changed it to the chaos

(00:34:28):

chronicles ah i love that but i told you i love that name because i i think that oh

(00:34:34):

no curiosity no this is the curiosity chronicles yes and then okay yeah and then we

(00:34:39):

have the daily chronicles of taylor cecilia brooke and i was like okay let's just

(00:34:42):

call this the fucking cure the chaos chronicles because that's really what it is i

(00:34:46):

create chaos and then i organize it you know

(00:34:49):

That's brilliant.

(00:34:50):

I love that.

(00:34:50):

Thank you.

(00:34:52):

Thank you.

(00:34:53):

All right.

(00:34:54):

Well, it has been an absolute joy.

(00:34:56):

And if you have not checked out Megan,

(00:34:58):

you absolutely need to because she's fucking hilarious and I love her so much and

(00:35:04):

I'm so happy you were able to join me and we will definitely be doing this again.

(00:35:07):

And I think we'll bring in Maggie next time.

(00:35:10):

Oh, I love that idea.

(00:35:13):

And have more than 40 minutes because apparently we need that.

(00:35:16):

So this felt like 20 minutes tops.

(00:35:18):

Like this is crazy.

(00:35:20):

For real.

(00:35:20):

I'm like, I don't understand how this just happened.

(00:35:25):

I love it.

(00:35:26):

Thank you so much for having me on.

(00:35:28):

This was so much fun.

(00:35:30):

You're amazing.

(00:35:31):

Absolutely.

(00:35:32):

Absolutely.

(00:35:32):

All right.

(00:35:33):

I'm going to go ahead and...

Please enjoy this impromptu podcast episode with my youngest daughter! Thank you for joining us! If you would prefer to read, the transcript is people!

(00:00:01):

Hi, and welcome back to the Curiosity Chronicles.

(00:00:05):

I am your host, Taylor Cecilia Brooke, and with me today, I have a very special guest.

(00:00:11):

Would you like to introduce yourself?

(00:00:14):

All right, tell them your name.

(00:00:16):

My name is Lucy Costello Luella.

(00:00:19):

Your name is Lucy Luella Costello,

(00:00:22):

yeah,

(00:00:22):

and you're joining me here today on the Curiosity Chronicles,

(00:00:24):

right?

(00:00:25):

Yeah.

(00:00:26):

What do we do at the Curiosity Chronicles?

(00:00:28):

Um, we...

(00:00:30):

Tell you things that we're curious about.

(00:00:33):

We tell you things that we're curious about.

(00:00:35):

Yep, yep, yep.

(00:00:37):

So what should we figure out today?

(00:00:40):

What are you curious about today?

(00:00:45):

How do fireflies glow?

(00:00:47):

How do fireflies glow?

(00:00:49):

Okay, we will look that one up.

(00:00:50):

What else are we going to talk about today?

(00:00:52):

Um, how?

(00:01:01):

How are seeds made?

(00:01:05):

Oh, how are seeds created?

(00:01:06):

Like how do they start in the flowers?

(00:01:08):

That's a great question.

(00:01:10):

All right, one more.

(00:01:11):

How do snakes shed their skin?

(00:01:25):

Oh, that's right.

(00:01:26):

You wanted to know why and how they shed their skin.

(00:01:29):

The other day, we were in the car, and you wanted to know why snakes molted.

(00:01:33):

And I thought it was because that's what happens when they grow, but I'm not entirely sure.

(00:01:37):

So today, we're going to look it up, aren't we?

(00:01:40):

All right.

(00:01:41):

So the first one, we need to figure out how fireflies glow.

(00:01:46):

Let's figure this out.

(00:01:48):

Okay.

(00:01:49):

What do you think is going to happen?

(00:01:51):

How do you think they glow, Lucy?

(00:01:52):

I think it's because...

(00:01:57):

They have a special part of their body that glows.

(00:02:01):

Yeah.

(00:02:01):

Do you think it's a chemical or do you think it's like just a part of their body?

(00:02:05):

I think inside the little glowing thing, they have something that is attached to their body and it glows.

(00:02:14):

So you're pretty close.

(00:02:16):

Apparently,

(00:02:17):

according to the AI overview on Google,

(00:02:20):

fireflies light up through a chemical reaction in their abdomens called bioluminescence.

(00:02:27):

This reaction occurs when oxygen combines with luciferin,

(00:02:33):

an organic compound,

(00:02:35):

and luciferase,

(00:02:37):

an enzyme,

(00:02:38):

in the presence of adenose triphosphate,

(00:02:42):

which fuels cellular work.

(00:02:44):

So essentially,

(00:02:45):

there's a chemical reaction in their tummies,

(00:02:48):

and it causes all of their insides to light up.

(00:02:53):

Now, why is that only fireflies?

(00:02:58):

Why do fireflies light up and not the rest of the insects?

(00:03:06):

Well, sometimes when it's too dark for some insects, they light up a little bit.

(00:03:20):

Yeah.

(00:03:21):

Yeah.

(00:03:21):

You think so?

(00:03:23):

Like, which ones?

(00:03:25):

Uh, I think, like, um, spiders.

(00:03:35):

Wait, those aren't insects.

(00:03:38):

Um, like, cockroaches.

(00:03:44):

Oh, really?

(00:03:45):

You think those glow?

(00:03:47):

Mm-hmm.

(00:03:47):

Interesting.

(00:03:48):

Okay, are you ready to learn six things we didn't know about lightning bugs?

(00:03:52):

This is the science behind fireflies from pestworld.org.

(00:03:58):

Fireflies aren't actually flies.

(00:03:59):

What?

(00:04:01):

Yeah, apparently they're beetles.

(00:04:03):

What?

(00:04:04):

Yeah.

(00:04:07):

Oh, that's really funny.

(00:04:08):

So some fireflies don't glow, right?

(00:04:15):

Oh, so the ones in the family that glow are different from the ones who don't.

(00:04:23):

And the ones who do glow have wings and the other ones don't.

(00:04:28):

And they're often referred to as glow worms.

(00:04:33):

Okay, so fireflies have light organs that are located beneath their abdomens.

(00:04:38):

And more than 2,000 species bear the name firefly, but not all of them glow.

(00:04:44):

Those that do mix oxygen with a pigment called luciferin to generate light with very little heat.

(00:04:54):

Apparently, it's the most efficient light in the world.

(00:05:01):

Apparently, fireflies in Southeast Asia will synchronize their flashes.

(00:05:05):

And in the U.S.,

(00:05:06):

this phenomenon occurs during the first few weeks of June in the Great Smoky

(00:05:11):

Mountains in Tennessee.

(00:05:12):

We're going to have to go check that out sometime.

(00:05:14):

Synchronized firefly flying.

(00:05:17):

Ooh.

(00:05:21):

Okay.

(00:05:25):

Oh.

(00:05:26):

Fireflies use their lights to ward off predators.

(00:05:29):

Okay.

(00:05:30):

But apparently, Firefly blood also contains a defensive steroid called leucobufagins.

(00:05:38):

Wow, that's really interesting.

(00:05:40):

All right.

(00:05:41):

That was a lot.

(00:05:42):

I still don't know.

(00:05:44):

Okay, so apparently...

(00:05:49):

Bioluminescence,

(00:05:50):

which is what fireflies have,

(00:05:52):

is rarer on land than in water,

(00:05:55):

but there are several species of bug that emit their own light in addition to fireflies.

(00:06:02):

You were not wrong.

(00:06:04):

Lucy, there is in fact an exceedingly rare glowing cockroach.

(00:06:11):

It relies only on light.

(00:06:14):

bioluminescent bacteria.

(00:06:15):

So it has to like eat the bacteria it creates.

(00:06:18):

That's how it survives.

(00:06:19):

That's super interesting.

(00:06:21):

That is kind of gross.

(00:06:23):

Okay.

(00:06:26):

So now we are going to... Did you learn everything you wanted to learn about fireflies?

(00:06:35):

Yeah.

(00:06:36):

Okay.

(00:06:37):

Great.

(00:06:37):

So now we're going to see how is a seed created?

(00:06:41):

How do seeds...

(00:06:46):

How do seeds work?

(00:06:48):

How do seeds know which way is up?

(00:06:49):

How do seeds germinate?

(00:06:51):

There's so many, so many.

(00:06:53):

Okay.

(00:06:54):

Oh, this is a great diagram.

(00:06:57):

Okay.

(00:06:57):

But how did, this is like the chicken and the egg question.

(00:07:00):

How is this?

(00:07:01):

So I'm assuming, but see, this is the problem.

(00:07:05):

I'm not even finishing my sentences, am I?

(00:07:09):

So we have the fruit, right?

(00:07:10):

Or the legumes.

(00:07:13):

Or the flower or the vegetable, right?

(00:07:15):

Yeah.

(00:07:17):

Okay.

(00:07:17):

And you have those seeds, but vegetables, kind of.

(00:07:25):

Corn, yes.

(00:07:27):

Potatoes, no.

(00:07:28):

Broccoli, yes.

(00:07:29):

Oh, that's confusing.

(00:07:30):

Okay.

(00:07:31):

So you have the seed, and it grows into a plant, right?

(00:07:35):

Yeah.

(00:07:36):

And then you get the seed from the plant, right?

(00:07:39):

But how did the seed get, how was the seed first created?

(00:07:44):

That's what I want to know.

(00:07:49):

I do too.

(00:07:52):

How was the first seed made?

(00:07:54):

Here we go.

(00:07:54):

Let's see.

(00:07:57):

Oh, interesting.

(00:08:00):

Okay, so scientists believe that the first plant to use seeds was an extinct seed, fern, called aphids.

(00:08:08):

Elkisnea polymorpha, which lived during the Devonian period around 400 million years ago.

(00:08:18):

These plants evolved cup-like structures called

(00:08:21):

cupules along their branches to protect the developing seed, which was called an ovule.

(00:08:28):

The capsules are made up of groups of branches that enclosed the ovule and its associated tissues.

(00:08:34):

The earliest seeds were lobbed, creating a sheltered chamber at

(00:08:40):

one end of the seed.

(00:08:41):

Within the cupule,

(00:08:42):

the seed was also enclosed by a layer of tissue called the integument,

(00:08:48):

which eventually develops into the seed coat.

(00:08:53):

Okay, ready?

(00:08:54):

Before seeds existed,

(00:08:56):

plants reproduced using spores,

(00:08:58):

which are called single-celled structures that are different from seeds in a few ways.

(00:09:03):

The genes for seeds may have helped

(00:09:05):

plants defend themselves against pathogens and herbivores.

(00:09:09):

Plants may also have acquired some of these genes from fungi or other microbes

(00:09:16):

through a process called horizontal gene transfer.

(00:09:20):

Oh, so that's super interesting.

(00:09:22):

Basically, the seed came about through evolution.

(00:09:29):

So it evolutionized from the plants getting different bacterias and microbes and

(00:09:34):

all that.

(00:09:35):

And it created the seed.

(00:09:37):

But here's another great question.

(00:09:38):

Someone from the conversation, curious kids, where did the first seed come from?

(00:09:47):

They haven't always used seeds and they came a bit by bit over a really long time

(00:09:53):

to like the evolution that I was talking about.

(00:09:56):

Um,

(00:10:00):

So here's how this works according to the conversation.

(00:10:02):

When a living thing has a feature which works well, it'll be able to live longer and have more young.

(00:10:07):

These young will probably have similar features thanks to their parents.

(00:10:10):

Plants started using seeds to spread their young somewhere between 385 million and 365 million years ago.

(00:10:19):

Before seeds, plants used spores.

(00:10:22):

And some plants today still do that, such as algae, mosses, and ferns.

(00:10:27):

You might have spotted the tiny brown dots on the underside of the fern leaves.

(00:10:32):

Have you ever been walking outside and you see a leaf on the ground that has all these little dots on it?

(00:10:37):

So then are called spores.

(00:10:40):

Can you kind of see that?

(00:10:42):

Yeah, that's how those plants grow.

(00:10:46):

Spores are different from seeds in a few ways.

(00:10:49):

A spore is made up of just one part, a single cell, while a seed contains many cells.

(00:10:56):

each with different jobs spores have to work harder what's that um that is the walk

(00:11:04):

and jump of a horse tail uh spore so there's lots of things that can produce spores

(00:11:13):

like mushrooms yes like mushrooms exactly um

(00:11:20):

Today, plants with seeds do things a little differently.

(00:11:22):

There are two main types, angiosperms and gymnosperms.

(00:11:27):

Angiosperms are flowering plants.

(00:11:29):

Their seeds develop inside of fruit like apples, tomatoes, or even rose hips or holly berries.

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Okay.

(00:11:35):

Is that a holly berry?

(00:11:38):

I think so.

(00:11:39):

Yes, that looks like a holly berry.

(00:11:43):

Gymnosperms, such as pine trees, grow their seeds inside a hard cone.

(00:11:49):

the upsides of seeds.

(00:11:50):

Seeds have evolved because they are better at helping plants survive.

(00:11:53):

They also have a hard coat, and they are better at spreading their young.

(00:12:00):

Well, that was super interesting, and now we understand how all of this started.

(00:12:03):

So originally it was spores, and then it moved, right?

(00:12:07):

Yeah.

(00:12:07):

What is next?

(00:12:10):

Why do snakes molt?

(00:12:14):

Was that our last one?

(00:12:16):

Okay.

(00:12:18):

Snakes molt or shed their skin for a number of reasons,

(00:12:22):

including growth,

(00:12:23):

parasite removal and skin damage.

(00:12:27):

Wow.

(00:12:28):

As they grow, their skin doesn't grow with them.

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So new skin grows underneath and then they have to shed its old skin to make new

(00:12:35):

room to make room for the new skin.

(00:12:37):

How crazy is that?

(00:12:39):

If there's a parasite embedded in the snake's skin, the shedding will remove it.

(00:12:44):

And then if something happens,

(00:12:46):

if something damages the outer layer of a snake's skin,

(00:12:49):

it'll molt then as well.

(00:12:52):

That is super interesting.

(00:12:53):

So there's a lot of reasons why a snake would need to molt.

(00:13:01):

Are you doing another one?

(00:13:02):

Well, that was our last one.

(00:13:04):

Do you have any other questions for today or anything that you want to tell my

(00:13:07):

subscribers or share with my subscribers?

(00:13:10):

Yeah.

(00:13:10):

Yeah, what do you want to say?

(00:13:22):

I want to do something about raccoons.

(00:13:25):

You want to do something about raccoons?

(00:13:26):

You want to learn about raccoons next?

(00:13:28):

Yeah, but why?

(00:13:30):

do raccoons, um, why raccoons, um, why do raccoons, um, really wash their food?

(00:13:44):

Um, why raccoons, um, why do raccoons' hands have to be sensitive to what they're eating?

(00:13:53):

So I'm assuming it's because they can't see very well, but let's look this up.

(00:13:58):

Why do raccoons...

(00:14:04):

Why do raccoons wash their food?

(00:14:08):

Ah.

(00:14:12):

Apparently, when they dunk it in water, they get more sensory information.

(00:14:16):

It's called dousing.

(00:14:19):

When they wet their paws, it makes it more sensitive.

(00:14:22):

So I'm assuming it's just because...

(00:14:24):

It helps them understand what they're eating so they don't eat something that they should,

(00:14:28):

although they are trash pandas.

(00:14:31):

So I'm pretty sure they eat pretty much everything.

(00:14:34):

Yeah.

(00:14:35):

Yeah.

(00:14:36):

Yeah, it's pretty crazy.

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Even cardboard.

(00:14:38):

You think they eat cardboard?

(00:14:39):

Yeah.

(00:14:40):

Oh, really?

(00:14:40):

Yeah.

(00:14:41):

Oh, my.

(00:14:42):

And I also think they eat poisonous mushrooms.

(00:14:46):

You think they eat – well, I wonder if they're actually poisonous to the raccoons.

(00:14:49):

Or if they're only poisonous to the humans.

(00:14:51):

Because some mushrooms aren't poisonous to animals.

(00:14:54):

And there's a lot of fruits and flowers and things out there that we can't eat.

(00:14:59):

But lots of animals can, right?

(00:15:01):

Yeah, but why can't we eat them?

(00:15:03):

Well, because our biome can't break them down and it makes us sick.

(00:15:08):

Yeah, it's kind of like how dogs can eat raw meat.

(00:15:11):

And we can't really eat very much raw meat.

(00:15:13):

Yeah.

(00:15:14):

Yeah, kind of crazy, huh?

(00:15:16):

But if you put a lot of salt on lots of raw meat, you can eat all of it.

(00:15:25):

Are you talking about salt curing?

(00:15:26):

Yeah.

(00:15:28):

Yes.

(00:15:29):

So that's how they used to cure meat back in the day.

(00:15:31):

They used to put a ton because they didn't have refrigerators because they didn't have electricity.

(00:15:35):

So it's called salt curing.

(00:15:38):

And they just crusted the whole piece of meat in salt.

(00:15:42):

Kind of crazy, huh?

(00:15:45):

I did that with something a few.

(00:15:46):

Oh, I did that with the carnitas that were too salty.

(00:15:49):

I must have too salted it too far.

(00:15:52):

Are you okay?

(00:15:54):

Yeah.

(00:15:55):

Are you ready to be done?

(00:15:56):

Yeah.

(00:15:57):

Yeah.

(00:15:58):

Would you like to say bye to my subscribers?

(00:16:01):

All right.

(00:16:01):

Bye.

(00:16:03):

All right.

(00:16:04):

And that wraps a silly little episode with my sweet little four-year-old,

(00:16:08):

Lucy,

(00:16:09):

in the Curiosity Chronicles.

(00:16:11):

I hope you learned a little bit about raccoons, snakes, fireflies, and seas.

(00:16:17):

It was a unique episode.

(00:16:19):

Have a wonderful day, and we will talk to you later.

(00:16:22):

Bye!

Disclaimer: The Curiosity Chronicles are spoken by Taylor Cecelia Brook. That means you get her in her full form: Valley Girl who likes to cuss and talks at the speed of light :) I wont be offended it that’s not your jam :)

Thank you for listening to this weeks episode of The Curiosity Chronicles. If you would prefer to read instead of listen (no shame), the transcript is below :)

(00:00:01):

hello and welcome back to the curiosity chronicles i am your host taylor cecilia

(00:00:08):

brooke and today we're gonna dive into something a little bit more personal here

(00:00:13):

but i know a lot of people get curious about a lot of these things that i'm going

(00:00:16):

to talk about so um that's kind of been on my mind a lot lately and it's also been

(00:00:22):

the inspiration for today's episodes it was kind of like an aha light bulb after

(00:00:27):

all the things that had happened

(00:00:29):

in the last few weeks and today and whatever.

(00:00:33):

So right now we are,

(00:00:36):

when I initially started this podcast,

(00:00:38):

we were 11 days away from the anniversary of Lily's death.

(00:00:42):

We're now three days away.

(00:00:45):

So, you know, it took me some time to get here, but

(00:00:50):

we're about three days away.

(00:00:52):

And this time of year, it always brings up a lot of emotions for me.

(00:00:58):

I mean, obviously my kid died on this month, so it's really difficult, but this year,

(00:01:07):

I feel like I've been talking about her,

(00:01:08):

writing about her way more than I have probably since she was alive,

(00:01:14):

to be honest.

(00:01:16):

And I'm just trying to process all of that.

(00:01:18):

And even though it's been six years since she passed,

(00:01:22):

normally since she died,

(00:01:24):

I try not to say past because it's not about movement or a gallstone or a kidney stone,

(00:01:31):

you know.

(00:01:33):

Anyway, it's a digression.

(00:01:35):

Okay.

(00:01:37):

It's been six years, but normally around this time, the grief feels like almost tangible.

(00:01:43):

Like I can feel it layering onto my skin.

(00:01:46):

I can taste it.

(00:01:47):

I can smell it.

(00:01:48):

I can hear it.

(00:01:50):

I can like the insides of my chest walls can feel it.

(00:01:54):

Like it's crazy how much I can feel it.

(00:01:58):

But this year, it's not quite like that.

(00:02:02):

I feel like a lot of what's

(00:02:04):

I'm feeling is so different.

(00:02:08):

So quick digression.

(00:02:11):

Initially, I was planning on doing this as a car chat with Taylor Time.

(00:02:16):

But I quickly realized that I have a lot to say on this.

(00:02:21):

But it also deserves more space than a quick convo.

(00:02:25):

Because grief is heavy.

(00:02:27):

It's hard.

(00:02:28):

It's fucking super complicated emotionally.

(00:02:33):

And anyone who's lost someone knows how significant dates stir up those feelings.

(00:02:38):

It doesn't really matter what the date is.

(00:02:39):

Fourth of July really stirs up feelings for me.

(00:02:43):

And if you go back through my notes...

(00:02:45):

to 4th of July, you'll see, you know, I talked about that.

(00:02:49):

It's a hard, it was a hard day for me, but it's been better.

(00:02:53):

It was better this year.

(00:02:55):

So, you know.

(00:02:57):

It's interesting,

(00:02:59):

but there used to be around these types of dates,

(00:03:03):

this cloud that would just follow me around.

(00:03:07):

And when I was really dealing with the worst parts of chronic grief,

(00:03:12):

I felt like that cloud was just sitting on top of my head the whole time.

(00:03:16):

Like it never wanted to leave.

(00:03:17):

And it just sucked.

(00:03:19):

And I spent a good few years like that.

(00:03:21):

Yeah.

(00:03:24):

And like I said, this year is different.

(00:03:27):

And, you know, it's really been better than the previous years.

(00:03:31):

I don't know if it's because of the meds that I'm taking or all the work that I've

(00:03:36):

done on my mental health or that it's been six years so I'm further away from it or

(00:03:41):

I've just learned how to manage my emotions better.

(00:03:43):

It literally could be any or all of those reasons.

(00:03:49):

So like I'm just trying to piece together, you know,

(00:03:54):

What actions have I taken to make this year easier on myself?

(00:03:59):

But it's funny because this is what caused the reflection.

(00:04:04):

I had my psychiatry appointment today.

(00:04:12):

And, well, not literally today.

(00:04:14):

It was the day that I wrote all this stuff down.

(00:04:20):

I had my psychiatry appointment and we were talking and she asked me to explain,

(00:04:24):

you know,

(00:04:26):

what was going on with me.

(00:04:30):

And it really caused me to reflect on

(00:04:39):

which I had to do this quite quickly.

(00:04:41):

But it really caused me to reflect on what was actually different about the way I

(00:04:49):

was feeling and what did it remind me of.

(00:04:55):

And that is not something I normally would have done because one of the hardest

(00:05:05):

parts about grief for me is how it intertwines with

(00:05:10):

everything in life, like literally everything.

(00:05:13):

There's not a moment of your life that grief doesn't touch.

(00:05:19):

It's like this little stain that's always there.

(00:05:23):

And so you have that.

(00:05:25):

Just keep that in your head.

(00:05:27):

Lily died.

(00:05:28):

And six months later, I was pregnant again through IVF.

(00:05:35):

So my daughters are only 18 months apart, like almost exactly.

(00:05:41):

In fact, technically, one would say that they're one year, five months and 20 days apart.

(00:05:50):

So like that is close.

(00:05:54):

That was real, real fucking close.

(00:05:59):

And initially, I thought what was going on with me was just postpartum brain or pregnancy brain.

(00:06:06):

And it was some of that because some of that stuff did go away.

(00:06:10):

But a lot of it was grief brain.

(00:06:15):

And it took me a long time to not only realize how deeply my grief was affecting my well-being.

(00:06:25):

But to actually admit that, admit that, oh, this has an impact on my health.

(00:06:31):

Like not just my brain and emotional health,

(00:06:34):

no,

(00:06:34):

every part of my being,

(00:06:36):

it affects every single part of me.

(00:06:39):

But I couldn't see that for a long time because I just had a baby and that's a huge change on its own.

(00:06:45):

And then you add in that my kid just died less than a year ago.

(00:06:49):

Like we had, it was one year ago.

(00:06:56):

that Lily had been gone.

(00:06:59):

So we're at the end of June or July and three weeks later,

(00:07:04):

three and a half,

(00:07:05):

three and a half weeks later,

(00:07:08):

Lucy was born.

(00:07:10):

So like, I never really had time to truly mourn.

(00:07:17):

And, you know, I saw this a lot through my pregnancy with Lucy and I talk about

(00:07:25):

I'll talk a lot about that in the regular grief stage in my second book about plain old regular grief.

(00:07:37):

I'll be talking about some of the things that I did and how those...

(00:07:43):

Had I talked to someone,

(00:07:44):

they would have told me these were like warning signs like,

(00:07:46):

hey,

(00:07:47):

you're going in a bad direction.

(00:07:50):

But I obviously didn't talk to anyone.

(00:07:53):

And then my new baby was there and I was consumed by everything.

(00:07:59):

But this entire time,

(00:08:00):

from the time I got pregnant with Lily to all the way until like now,

(00:08:06):

I have struggled with inattentive ADD or whatever it's called.

(00:08:13):

However, my therapist thinks it's cortisol poisoning, which I find is a very interesting perspective.

(00:08:21):

But my focus is terrible.

(00:08:23):

So terrible that the other day I dented my car because I was being spacey.

(00:08:32):

The other day I forgot to lock my car and it got robbed.

(00:08:35):

I ate shit on my bike last Saturday because I just wasn't paying attention.

(00:08:41):

Like all these things adding up makes my life more challenging.

(00:08:44):

These are things that are happening this recently.

(00:08:47):

And so I've got, remember, we've got grief brain coming back in full force.

(00:08:52):

And then we've got like this extra spaciness that I normally don't have.

(00:08:57):

And then on top of that, getting out of bed has been so much of a struggle.

(00:09:03):

Normally, I'm a morning person.

(00:09:05):

But lately, in the last week and a half, it has been a struggle.

(00:09:10):

I don't want a human right now.

(00:09:12):

I just don't want to human.

(00:09:16):

And so I reflected on all of this and how I had acted in the years past to...

(00:09:23):

you know,

(00:09:23):

these time periods and such and such,

(00:09:25):

because that was the next question my psychiatrist asked me was how close are we to

(00:09:31):

that day and how different is it from when it was before?

(00:09:37):

And so after explaining to all of this, to my psychiatrist, who was phenomenal by the way, um,

(00:09:47):

She said, okay, I think we should up your mints for a little bit and see if that helps with the grief.

(00:09:54):

And I kind of paused and she was like, let me explain it a little bit so it makes more sense.

(00:09:59):

And so this is how she kind of explained it.

(00:10:03):

You know,

(00:10:03):

there's buoys in the ocean and even though they float and they can go up and down,

(00:10:09):

they're still attached to the seafloor.

(00:10:11):

So they don't just float away, right?

(00:10:14):

Or the lake floor, whatever.

(00:10:15):

Um,

(00:10:17):

But they'll float with the waves, they'll go down, they'll go up.

(00:10:22):

But at some point, there's going to be a big enough wave that it can't, that buoy can't meet the wave.

(00:10:28):

And it's going to have the wave crash right down on top of it.

(00:10:34):

Well, guess what?

(00:10:35):

That's where I am.

(00:10:37):

Wave has crashed.

(00:10:40):

So she said, let's up your...

(00:10:45):

Let's up your amends and see if that helps.

(00:10:47):

We don't have to stay there.

(00:10:48):

We can move back.

(00:10:49):

You know, it's fine.

(00:10:50):

But I think this just might help for a little bit.

(00:10:52):

And at first,

(00:10:54):

like internally,

(00:10:55):

my brain was kind of bummed because I really would like to try a stimulant for more

(00:11:01):

than just like one day.

(00:11:03):

Um,

(00:11:05):

But doctors and psychiatrists have been hesitant to prescribe me stimulants because

(00:11:10):

of my history with an eating disorder and body dysmorphia.

(00:11:14):

So it really sucks because like I really do get it.

(00:11:18):

And like I talked to my sister about it and she also gets it,

(00:11:21):

especially because she lost a fuck ton of weight when she started Adderall and she

(00:11:24):

has no eating issues like mine.

(00:11:25):

But like when I've taken it, when I've taken Adderall,

(00:11:34):

It's been incredible.

(00:11:37):

Like so fucking incredible.

(00:11:39):

There's nothing in my brain.

(00:11:41):

It's like I'm at the end of a run or at the end of a bike ride and I'm just there the whole time.

(00:11:46):

It doesn't need that stimulation anymore.

(00:11:50):

So right now it's like needing extra, extra, extra stimulation.

(00:11:53):

And I said this to my

(00:11:56):

my psychiatrist.

(00:11:57):

And she goes,

(00:11:58):

I don't,

(00:11:59):

I just don't think it's getting enough dopamine right now because it's all of its

(00:12:03):

normal levels are way different than it normally would.

(00:12:07):

But because you're,

(00:12:08):

you're craving dopamine so much,

(00:12:12):

that's why you're craving all the things that you're craving right now.

(00:12:16):

So after I reflected on that, um,

(00:12:21):

I kind of came to the conclusion that this is like the fourth or fifth time I've met with her.

(00:12:26):

And like,

(00:12:28):

she has not like really labeled me as having an attention deficit disorder,

(00:12:36):

which really it should be like a dopamine,

(00:12:41):

like processing disorder.

(00:12:43):

But anyway, um,

(00:12:48):

I realized that she never really talked about that with me.

(00:12:52):

And after... Then I started thinking about all of our conversations.

(00:12:56):

And I was like, I don't think she thinks I have ADHD.

(00:12:58):

And...

(00:13:01):

It's funny because the Friday before that, I had sent the same thing to my therapist.

(00:13:05):

She goes, you do not have ADHD or ADD.

(00:13:08):

You have anxiety, you have depression, and you have OCD.

(00:13:12):

And when all of them are at their all-time high, they act like ADHD and ADD.

(00:13:18):

But when they're not, you're not any of those things.

(00:13:21):

And I was just like, oh my God.

(00:13:23):

So it blew my mind up.

(00:13:25):

So now here we are.

(00:13:27):

I'm having...

(00:13:29):

to rely heavily on my organizational tools to keep things together.

(00:13:34):

And I'm just trying to give myself grace because like, this isn't forever.

(00:13:41):

This isn't permanent.

(00:13:42):

I think that's what used to be so very hard for me in times like these, because I didn't know anything.

(00:13:48):

I didn't know what to expect and I didn't know how to embrace it and just roll with

(00:13:53):

this fucking thing called life.

(00:13:55):

And so like,

(00:13:57):

Now I just know that I need to give myself grace and utilize the tools that I have

(00:14:01):

implemented over the last,

(00:14:02):

you know,

(00:14:03):

how many years that I've been working on this to keep myself organized.

(00:14:07):

And it's funny because I,

(00:14:10):

Growing up, my mom had like a million alarms for everything.

(00:14:13):

They all had like different like sounds and ringtones and songs and stuff.

(00:14:18):

And I never understood it at all.

(00:14:21):

And I hated them.

(00:14:22):

I felt like they were so annoying and so obnoxious.

(00:14:25):

Joke's on me.

(00:14:26):

I get it now.

(00:14:29):

And I have alarms and calendar reminders for fucking everything.

(00:14:32):

Like fucking everything.

(00:14:35):

Everything.

(00:14:36):

Even to go to bed.

(00:14:36):

Yes, even to go to bed.

(00:14:38):

I got that idea from the Happier podcast with Gretchen Rubin,

(00:14:42):

which you should definitely check out if you haven't.

(00:14:44):

But it's one of the best changes I've ever made because it eliminates the need to

(00:14:48):

constantly check the time.

(00:14:50):

Um, and so really why I put this episode out here was to say a few different things.

(00:14:58):

If you're neurodivergent, your, your life is going to go with, it's a rolling hill.

(00:15:04):

Like you're going to have ups and downs.

(00:15:05):

That's just how it works.

(00:15:07):

So when you're in a down spot,

(00:15:08):

I think one of the biggest things that I have learned in the last two years is when

(00:15:15):

you have low spoons,

(00:15:17):

That's okay.

(00:15:18):

Use your tools that get you more spoons.

(00:15:22):

You know, for me, I might drink a little bit more caffeine than normal.

(00:15:26):

Not the best one.

(00:15:27):

I use my calendars even more heavily.

(00:15:29):

I use notes and lists and alarms and timers for everything.

(00:15:35):

Now, I don't always need it.

(00:15:37):

Like,

(00:15:38):

not every day do I need to do the Pomodoro method at work while I'm working,

(00:15:42):

but lately I have to because that's what gets me through because...

(00:15:46):

my ability to think the same is compromised right now.

(00:15:51):

And so I wanted to provide those reminders for people who are neurodivergent.

(00:15:55):

But if you are in a cycle of grief or you are neurodivergent and have chronic grief

(00:16:02):

or grief,

(00:16:03):

or you've just experienced something traumatic,

(00:16:05):

like please try to give yourself grace.

(00:16:08):

And it's okay if you need to do something that helps you get you through this time.

(00:16:13):

That does not mean you can abuse your substances of any form.

(00:16:17):

However, let's all be realistic.

(00:16:20):

There's a difference between using a little bit more and abusing.

(00:16:25):

If you use a little bit more than usual, that's okay.

(00:16:28):

But let's not abuse it.

(00:16:29):

That was a weird little digression.

(00:16:31):

We are 16 minutes into this podcast, almost 17.

(00:16:36):

So if anything I said today resonates with you,

(00:16:41):

I would love it if you shared it,

(00:16:43):

tell people why you like it.

(00:16:45):

Or you can reach out to me, leave a comment, restack it, anything like that if you're on Substack.

(00:16:50):

I'm on Instagram, Spotify, Apple, all of those things.

(00:16:54):

So thank you for tuning in to today's episode of the Curiosity Chronicles.

(00:16:58):

And I will see you next time.

(00:17:01):

Bye.

This episode is ALL over the place. JUST HEADS UP

So if you don’t want to hear me ramble all over the place, which I totes understand, I’d skip this one lol or if you want to skim the transcript or just read it, it is below :)

Love you all!

(00:00:01):

Okay, welcome back to the second episode of the Curiosity Chronicles.

(00:00:06):

I just wanted to let you know that I already have two guests lined up to talk to,

(00:00:11):

and those will come after I do a,

(00:00:14):

like,

(00:00:15):

I'm going to do a periodical or a chronicle,

(00:00:18):

I guess,

(00:00:20):

in decades of my life.

(00:00:21):

It'll be a three-part series, and this is going to be part one.

(00:00:23):

So we're going to talk about zero to ten.

(00:00:26):

Woo-hoo!

(00:00:28):

I don't know if anyone else is actually curious about my life, but whatever.

(00:00:31):

I don't care.

(00:00:32):

I like talking.

(00:00:32):

So, and yes, I use I don't care, whatever, as a wall sometimes.

(00:00:39):

It is what it is.

(00:00:41):

Anyway, okay.

(00:00:42):

So I was born in Texas, lived in America my whole life.

(00:00:46):

I was born in Texas and then I lived in Kansas for the first 12 years of my life, I think.

(00:00:54):

So from zero to 10, I was in Kansas most of that time.

(00:00:58):

And we moved around until I was like five because my parents were really young.

(00:01:02):

My dad was 19.

(00:01:04):

Mom was 21.

(00:01:05):

This is cool.

(00:01:06):

I really like saying this.

(00:01:07):

She graduated when I was three months old.

(00:01:09):

So she graduated with her bachelor's when I was three months old.

(00:01:12):

So that's pretty cool.

(00:01:16):

But anyway, anyway, anyway, the house I grew up in,

(00:01:22):

for the first few years of my life from five to 12,

(00:01:26):

I already discussed that,

(00:01:29):

is probably one of the best houses I've ever lived in.

(00:01:32):

And it was such a good place for me to grow up.

(00:01:35):

We grew up in this little quaint neighborhood in the middle of Kansas and

(00:01:41):

technically Northeast,

(00:01:42):

but it was in the middle of the city.

(00:01:43):

I was super close to my school and there was like tons and tons and tons of kids on my block.

(00:01:51):

But what's interesting is I was, am a very social person.

(00:01:57):

Now, socializing exhausts me like 15 times more than it used to.

(00:02:03):

But I've always been a very social person and I genuinely enjoy talking to people.

(00:02:08):

That's why I'm doing this podcast.

(00:02:12):

And that was a challenge because I was an only child.

(00:02:17):

And not only was I an only child,

(00:02:20):

all the kids on my block were much younger than me,

(00:02:23):

except for one person across the street.

(00:02:24):

And she was very mean to me all the time.

(00:02:28):

But I still played with her because I had no one else to play with.

(00:02:30):

And she had a trampoline.

(00:02:32):

What's funny is we're still friends to this day.

(00:02:34):

And like once she became an adult, she became a really chill person.

(00:02:38):

And I like her now.

(00:02:40):

But she was just a typical kid.

(00:02:41):

She was a brat.

(00:02:42):

She was mean, you know.

(00:02:44):

But I didn't get to see her all the time.

(00:02:46):

Because her parents were divorced and she went back and forth from her parents and

(00:02:50):

her schedule was all kinds of weird.

(00:02:54):

So ironically, her mom used to have to drive her across town to go to school.

(00:02:57):

And that's what I have to do with my kid.

(00:03:01):

Anyway, I spent a lot of my time alone.

(00:03:05):

And one of the things that I have found the most challenging about raising children

(00:03:10):

is I don't remember playing pretend at all.

(00:03:17):

from five to 10, which is really what I remember the most.

(00:03:20):

I spent a majority of my time either in an activity at school,

(00:03:29):

in my room,

(00:03:29):

listening to music or playing outside.

(00:03:33):

Like I know my parents,

(00:03:35):

like,

(00:03:36):

well,

(00:03:36):

really my dad played games with me and stuff every now and then,

(00:03:40):

but,

(00:03:41):

and I watched a little TV,

(00:03:42):

but I've never really been a big TV person,

(00:03:45):

like really ever.

(00:03:47):

Um,

(00:03:48):

and especially back then,

(00:03:50):

I think I would watch the Disney channel every now and then by the time I was seven,

(00:03:53):

we didn't have cable anymore.

(00:03:54):

Um, and if I wasn't with them, I was with my grandfather.

(00:03:58):

Now this is an important detail because my grandfather,

(00:04:01):

my mom's dad was a huge,

(00:04:04):

huge influence in my life.

(00:04:06):

I'm actually going to post the eulogy I wrote for him because,

(00:04:10):

well,

(00:04:10):

he's just fucking amazing and I miss him a lot,

(00:04:13):

but

(00:04:14):

when I was, wasn't at home, I was with him at his house.

(00:04:17):

So I grew up just tagging along with him and it was just one of the coolest things ever.

(00:04:23):

We would go to the recycling place together and he wasn't able-bodied.

(00:04:28):

Um, he had polio when he was 12 years old.

(00:04:30):

So it paralyzed his diaphragm after being in the iron lung for quite a while.

(00:04:35):

And so he, as he got older, the more parts of him degenerated, um,

(00:04:42):

And I mean, that's part of post polio syndrome.

(00:04:44):

That's why he had to stop being a psychiatrist, actually.

(00:04:47):

But so because he was an abled body, I was his body for him.

(00:04:53):

And so I would.

(00:04:54):

you know, help him with errands.

(00:04:55):

We'd go to the grocery store and I would push the cart or put things in his scooter.

(00:04:59):

And he is the reason why I love music the way I do.

(00:05:03):

He is the reason why I love to bake and love to cook and love to read and love to explore.

(00:05:09):

He was such a curious person.

(00:05:11):

This man literally came from his dad was a doctor and his mom was a nurse.

(00:05:17):

And but his dad was also an engineer, I think, too.

(00:05:20):

And my grandpa wanted to be an engineer.

(00:05:22):

He

(00:05:23):

graduated with an engineering degree and started working for GM,

(00:05:28):

realized he was too much of a social butterfly to work with engineers.

(00:05:36):

So he decided, oh, I'll just go to medical school.

(00:05:38):

Yeah, let's just go to medical school.

(00:05:41):

What?

(00:05:41):

What?

(00:05:43):

But that was the type of person he was.

(00:05:46):

And so he went to medical school.

(00:05:48):

And because of his challenges physically, there was a lot of things he couldn't do.

(00:05:53):

But he ended up settling on psychiatry and he was a fantastic psychiatrist.

(00:05:58):

And I loved visiting him when I was super, super little.

(00:06:03):

And until he retired, I think when I was six or seven was when he retired.

(00:06:09):

He had a voicemail of me

(00:06:11):

calling and telling him I love him.

(00:06:12):

And I just wanted to say hi, which is just so precious to me.

(00:06:15):

Um, but anyway, I digressed.

(00:06:20):

I would spend most of my time with him.

(00:06:22):

Um, and he taught me to bake and cook and I cooked with my mom too.

(00:06:29):

She also taught me how to cook,

(00:06:30):

but we would,

(00:06:31):

my grandpa and I would spend hours and hours and hours trying to perfect a French bread.

(00:06:36):

And we never did literally never.

(00:06:39):

Um,

(00:06:40):

He is the one who really pushed me to work with computers more.

(00:06:43):

He was very tech savvy.

(00:06:46):

So from five to 10, it was really just me being a kid, but I was alone a lot.

(00:06:54):

And that was really challenging as someone who is social.

(00:06:58):

And so I would spend a lot of time outside singing.

(00:07:01):

I would spend a lot of time in my room singing.

(00:07:04):

I now understand as an adult that singing is actually one of my biggest forms of

(00:07:09):

stemming for my whatever I have.

(00:07:14):

And when I don't get to, that's when all the anxiety starts to build up.

(00:07:18):

It's super fun.

(00:07:19):

Not really.

(00:07:19):

But...

(00:07:23):

because I had nothing else to do.

(00:07:25):

And but I don't remember pretending.

(00:07:27):

I don't remember playing pretend.

(00:07:30):

I vaguely remember making mud pies when I was like seven in my backyard,

(00:07:35):

but I was just making mud pies to make mud pies.

(00:07:37):

I wasn't giving them to anyone.

(00:07:39):

I don't remember playing kitchen or house or anything like that in school or with my friends.

(00:07:46):

Like when I would go to a friend's house, it was usually we were doing something.

(00:07:49):

We were

(00:07:50):

making up a dance or jumping on the trampoline or swinging on the swings.

(00:07:53):

Like, I was never a kid who pretended.

(00:07:57):

And so now, as an adult with children who love to pretend, my daughters have crazy imaginations.

(00:08:05):

And apparently I did too, but I don't remember any of this.

(00:08:10):

Apparently I had an imaginary friend when I was four.

(00:08:12):

I made up a whole story about a brother that didn't exist.

(00:08:16):

Um...

(00:08:19):

to my preschool teachers and my mom was like nope nope she most definitely does not

(00:08:24):

have a brother um so I did have an imagination at one point in my life but

(00:08:30):

somewhere along the lines it disappeared and I am really curious as to what caused

(00:08:35):

it to disappear what happened in my life where my brain was like oh we're gonna

(00:08:39):

shut down we're not doing this anymore I do wonder

(00:08:43):

if it happened around six, that was when I noticed my brain changed a lot.

(00:08:51):

And after I wrote it all out, that was when I developed PANDAS.

(00:08:55):

And my mom knew that this was a possibility.

(00:08:57):

She just never really pursued any diagnoses because she felt like it didn't change anything.

(00:09:01):

I think it would have changed something because I really would have loved to have

(00:09:05):

help with the OCD at a much younger age.

(00:09:07):

I probably would not have developed the OCD

(00:09:11):

an emetophobia, whatever fear of vomiting is, uh, or fear of vomit.

(00:09:16):

But anyway, that was when OCD really became a huge prominent problem in my brain.

(00:09:23):

Um,

(00:09:24):

And I, my, most of my day was consumed with this.

(00:09:28):

And that was when song lyrics started popping up in my head.

(00:09:32):

And this was when the,

(00:09:35):

it was when I was seven years old was when my eating disorder became a star person.

(00:09:41):

That bitch became a star inside of my brain.

(00:09:43):

She was like fucking happiness from inside out.

(00:09:48):

That's not her joy.

(00:09:49):

Her name was joy.

(00:09:50):

There we go.

(00:09:52):

Instead of joy being joy.

(00:09:53):

My front and center person, the eating disorder, was my front and center person.

(00:09:57):

And her co-pilot was fucking OCD.

(00:10:00):

And so it was either constant loops of songs playing in my head or conversations

(00:10:05):

playing again and again and again and again and again and again and again.

(00:10:09):

Or it was me looking at everybody, seeing how skinny they were, me thinking that I'm fat.

(00:10:17):

It's so comical looking back because, like, guys, I was –

(00:10:23):

underweight and under height for years.

(00:10:25):

I did not become quote unquote normal until I was 14.

(00:10:30):

So for me to think that I was fat or overweight or chunky or anything like that is

(00:10:34):

absolutely insane to me because it literally wasn't a thing.

(00:10:39):

Like I wasn't, I was not fat, not even possible.

(00:10:47):

Like I was in the 10 percentile of weight for my age.

(00:10:55):

And so I remember feeling these feelings.

(00:11:07):

And I remember thinking these thoughts.

(00:11:09):

And in fourth grade, I remember telling my dad that I thought I was fat.

(00:11:13):

And he didn't even know what to do with that.

(00:11:14):

I was crying.

(00:11:15):

I was yelling.

(00:11:16):

I've always been a yeller.

(00:11:17):

I'm a loud person.

(00:11:18):

It's a quality I'm working on.

(00:11:22):

But I was crying and I don't even know why I brought up that I was fat.

(00:11:26):

I'm assuming I was probably having some hormones course through me at that point in time.

(00:11:31):

But I told him I was fat and he just looked so dumbfounded because he didn't even

(00:11:34):

understand how I could come to that conclusion.

(00:11:37):

But here's the thing.

(00:11:40):

I grew up with a mom and grandparents who were extremely fat phobic.

(00:11:45):

And then I was a gymnast.

(00:11:46):

I started gymnastics at two and I did not leave the gymnastics world until I was 13.

(00:11:50):

And so...

(00:11:52):

you know,

(00:11:53):

most of my prominent coming of age age was spent in a gym where everybody around me

(00:11:59):

is skinny and no one has Buddha bellies.

(00:12:02):

I didn't realize no one,

(00:12:04):

no one told me,

(00:12:04):

I wish someone would have told me,

(00:12:05):

Hey,

(00:12:06):

your stomach sticks out like that because you have a really short torso and you're

(00:12:10):

too short right now.

(00:12:11):

Like it'll get better as you grow.

(00:12:13):

I just don't have a long torso.

(00:12:14):

So all my intestines and organs and shit don't have as much space.

(00:12:17):

I learned that while pregnant, it was terrible.

(00:12:20):

Um,

(00:12:21):

But there's all these things that I think my life would have been a little bit

(00:12:25):

different had I learned to talk to people,

(00:12:29):

had I had a family who talked about things.

(00:12:32):

I don't blame my parents, but they are very emotionally immature people.

(00:12:36):

They're better now than they were 15 years ago, but they're still pretty rough.

(00:12:43):

But I wasn't even taught how to have those kinds of discussions.

(00:12:47):

So I...

(00:12:51):

I just didn't think it was okay.

(00:12:54):

And showing emotions was a little strange in my house.

(00:12:57):

And so I just didn't.

(00:13:00):

And I just assumed that everybody else thought like this too,

(00:13:03):

because I grew up in around people who are like,

(00:13:06):

pay attention to your weight,

(00:13:07):

suck it in,

(00:13:08):

pull your shoulders back,

(00:13:09):

you know,

(00:13:09):

just all of that kind of stuff.

(00:13:11):

And in like, my mom was an ingredient mom, if you know what that means.

(00:13:17):

Um,

(00:13:18):

and I remember her doing the South Beach diet and going to Jazzercise and all of

(00:13:23):

these different things.

(00:13:24):

And it just was never somewhere that felt safe to even think about that kind of stuff.

(00:13:32):

And I just assumed everybody was worried about being fat.

(00:13:36):

No, that's not true.

(00:13:38):

That happened when I got curious about eating disorders.

(00:13:43):

Um,

(00:13:46):

To this day, it's still something I struggle with.

(00:13:48):

Now, it's significantly better than it was five years ago, 10 years ago.

(00:13:53):

I'm eating more than 1,200 calories a day.

(00:13:56):

I'm not exercising an obsessive amount.

(00:13:59):

I still struggle.

(00:14:01):

And it's still a huge work in progress for me.

(00:14:05):

But it does not bring in the physical sensations as much as it used to.

(00:14:11):

When I was younger, I remember closing my eyes when I would go to bed and

(00:14:16):

It would feel like I had these giant, fuzzy, poofy walls closing in on me.

(00:14:22):

And it was almost like internally, like my brain was getting fat, which doesn't even make any sense.

(00:14:28):

But in my mind's eye, that's what was happening.

(00:14:32):

And so it made it really difficult to sleep.

(00:14:36):

And that was when the singing myself to sleep thing started,

(00:14:39):

which then gave me twinkle,

(00:14:43):

twinkle little star stuck in my head all the fucking time.

(00:14:47):

Um, but that was just one little, little tiny part of me.

(00:14:52):

I think I need to redo this whole episode with a guide because I feel like there

(00:15:01):

was no direction with anything I just talked about and my computer's about to die

(00:15:05):

and we're 15 minutes in and I don't want to do long podcasts.

(00:15:08):

I really don't.

(00:15:09):

That's just not my thing.

(00:15:10):

And I got to be careful because I can talk and talk and talk and talk and talk.

(00:15:14):

Um, again, I'm sober.

(00:15:16):

Uh, which is very new for me.

(00:15:19):

Um, yeah, but I think I'm still going to put this one out there.

(00:15:23):

I'm just not going to title it all about me part one.

(00:15:26):

Uh, cause I just went everywhere with this.

(00:15:32):

Maybe I should call this the diary podcast where I just talk or the just talk.

(00:15:39):

I don't know.

(00:15:39):

Um,

(00:15:41):

I'm just going off on random things here.

(00:15:44):

But I'm going to read, I'm going to think some more about how I'm going to structure these things.

(00:15:49):

And I'm going to try to do a better job with my structure and staying on topic with the next one.

(00:15:54):

And I'm going to write myself a little like, what are those called?

(00:15:57):

Outline.

(00:15:57):

There we go.

(00:15:58):

Write myself a little outline so I can actually know what I'm talking about.

(00:16:02):

I like to just go and do things and it doesn't always work out for me.

(00:16:05):

So I'm going to try to work on them.

(00:16:08):

Okay, bye.

If this is your first time here welcome! Plz enjoy my silly little chat! If you want to read and not watch, words are below :)

(00:00:01):

car chat with Taylor time uh this is a funny one and it's gonna be pretty short but

(00:00:06):

I thought it would be funny and you guys would get a chuckle out of it but I am I

(00:00:11):

wouldn't say addicted but I have a problem with gas station food I know that's so

(00:00:18):

random but see here's the problem here in where I live I

(00:00:24):

We have Quick Trip and Come and Go.

(00:00:28):

And I discovered that... Oh, gross.

(00:00:32):

I discovered that Come and Go has fantastic breakfast options.

(00:00:40):

And they're hella cheap.

(00:00:43):

But that has created a problem.

(00:00:45):

And for a while I was eating it way too much.

(00:00:47):

And it was fucking up my stomach.

(00:00:49):

Because I kept eating these fucking breakfast burritos and they're terrible for you.

(00:00:53):

So I stopped.

(00:00:54):

And I even asked Dee to tell me, like, no more.

(00:00:55):

I'm not allowed to have it anymore.

(00:00:57):

And I didn't for, like, months and months and months.

(00:01:00):

But for whatever reason, one day I was like, I'm going to try this breakfast pizza.

(00:01:07):

It's too good.

(00:01:08):

It's just too good.

(00:01:09):

And it's $2.50.

(00:01:12):

Like, I can't even get that at McDonald's.

(00:01:15):

I mean, maybe, but then I'd get like a tiny little sandwich and I would rather have a giant pizza.

(00:01:22):

Plus, for every 10 that you buy, like 10 fresh items, you get one free.

(00:01:27):

Same with the energy drinks, which was not good for me to learn.

(00:01:32):

But like, also I get points and then I just, I just put in 250 entries to win a Bronco.

(00:01:38):

Like, hell yeah.

(00:01:39):

But does anybody else have this problem or is it just me?

(00:01:44):

It's probably just me.

(00:01:46):

If you find this funny, let me know.

(00:01:48):

Okay, bye.

(00:00:01):

All right,

(00:00:02):

welcome to the Curiosity Chronicles with me,

(00:00:06):

Taylor Cecilia Brooke,

(00:00:08):

your guide through life's crazy insanity,

(00:00:11):

your master unfucker,

(00:00:13):

your chaos coordinator,

(00:00:14):

and the boss bitch you didn't know you needed.

(00:00:18):

I don't know if any of that's actually true, but I want to feel that way.

(00:00:22):

So we're just going to go for it.

(00:00:24):

So the whole point of this podcast,

(00:00:26):

I'm just going to give you guys a little bit of a rundown about what I'm going to

(00:00:29):

be doing here.

(00:00:31):

I got inspired because Joe Rogan, I know, don't come at me for that.

(00:00:35):

I was listening to him for a different reason.

(00:00:37):

But someone asked him if anyone, literally anyone, has been able to recreate what he's done.

(00:00:44):

And you know what, guys?

(00:00:45):

I'm going to fucking do it.

(00:00:47):

No one has been able to do it.

(00:00:48):

No one has been able to do just what Joe Rogan does, which is just fucking bullshit with people.

(00:00:54):

And I love bullshitting with people.

(00:00:57):

And he said that the literal point of what he does is curiosity.

(00:01:03):

Like he has all these people on his podcast because he's genuinely curious.

(00:01:08):

Well, guess what?

(00:01:09):

Curiosity is literally like my bread and butter.

(00:01:14):

I am so curious.

(00:01:17):

My human design literally talks about how much of a curious human being I am.

(00:01:23):

which I find super interesting because my whole life it's been like this.

(00:01:28):

I am digressing.

(00:01:29):

Wow.

(00:01:30):

Super digressing.

(00:01:31):

That'll be a very common theme in this podcast because if you're curious,

(00:01:37):

I have attention challenges sometimes,

(00:01:42):

but not all the time.

(00:01:43):

Anyway.

(00:01:44):

Anyway, anyway, so this podcast, I don't really know what I'm doing.

(00:01:51):

So I'm just trying to fucking do shit.

(00:01:53):

And like, if there's something that you want me to look up and talk about, let me know.

(00:01:57):

And I will, because I will look up literally anything.

(00:02:01):

I love absorbing information.

(00:02:03):

If you go back through my history,

(00:02:05):

y'all,

(00:02:07):

one of my posts talks about how I have a deep,

(00:02:10):

intrinsic need to uptake information.

(00:02:13):

Well,

(00:02:13):

this goes from anything to why Boeing's planes are having so many issues to should

(00:02:20):

I invest in Bitcoin or stocks or both.

(00:02:24):

to what kind of fucking substitutes can I use for cream of mushroom soup?

(00:02:28):

Like literally anything.

(00:02:29):

I want to know as much as I possibly can.

(00:02:31):

Why?

(00:02:32):

Because it's so much fun.

(00:02:34):

So what I'm going to be doing here is I'm going to be talking about shit that I find interesting.

(00:02:38):

Maybe I'll read some of my book stuff because again, this is the Curiosity Chronicles.

(00:02:45):

So if you're curious about the books that I'm writing, let me know.

(00:02:49):

But I'll probably be releasing a little bit just because it's going to be,

(00:02:55):

curious for other people.

(00:02:56):

They're going to be like, hmm, I want to learn more.

(00:02:59):

I want to hear more.

(00:03:00):

I want to know more.

(00:03:02):

Because in this day and age, that's what we are.

(00:03:04):

We are information absorbers.

(00:03:06):

We're fucking sponges at this point.

(00:03:08):

So like we might as well do it for the good and not like just absorb bullshit.

(00:03:14):

Like I used to spend so much fucking time on TikTok.

(00:03:16):

I hardly ever go on there now because like all you do is doom scroll.

(00:03:19):

All you do is sponge and soak up bullshit.

(00:03:22):

Like there's nothing that you can get on there that is positive that you can't get

(00:03:28):

in a bajillion other formats.

(00:03:30):

It's replacing social interaction.

(00:03:32):

It's replacing education, blah, blah, blah.

(00:03:34):

And don't get me wrong.

(00:03:36):

I am so fucking thankful for the shit that it's done for me.

(00:03:39):

But it is no longer my bread and butter.

(00:03:41):

And I don't need to be absorbing that kind of stuff.

(00:03:44):

But I do still think that there is a lot of room for humor and curiosity and

(00:03:52):

excitement on the same space.

(00:03:55):

And here's the thing.

(00:03:56):

I don't really have a lot of crazy, bold opinions.

(00:04:00):

So, like, I enjoy hearing other people's perspectives.

(00:04:05):

And 99.9% of the time I can completely relate to the person.

(00:04:10):

I can understand how they arrived at that conclusion.

(00:04:13):

I read Elon Musk's book again,

(00:04:16):

not because I find the man like amazing or because I worship him or whatever.

(00:04:21):

No, because I read it because I wanted to get inside his brain.

(00:04:25):

I really, really wanted to see what his brain was like.

(00:04:30):

And let me tell you folks, he's fucking crazy.

(00:04:34):

But I think we already knew that.

(00:04:35):

But he's not crazy in all of the ways that everybody thinks he is.

(00:04:40):

They always think that he's literally doing, he's doing moonshots.

(00:04:44):

Some people are probably like, what the fuck is a moonshot, Taylor?

(00:04:47):

I had to learn that too.

(00:04:48):

A moonshot is a giant fucking goal.

(00:04:52):

What is Elon Musk's moonshots?

(00:04:55):

Autonomous cars.

(00:04:57):

AI robots.

(00:04:58):

colonizing mars like literally all those things are fucking giant moonshots but

(00:05:04):

he's going for them because you want to know why because he's curious because he

(00:05:09):

wants to learn more because he knows but anyway i digress again but i read that

(00:05:18):

book just so i could understand why why he does what he does why he does it the way

(00:05:24):

he does and what propels him to do it in those ways

(00:05:29):

And by the end of the book, I really had a deep understanding of why Elon is the way he is.

(00:05:36):

And I understand how he arrived at the conclusions that he arrived.

(00:05:41):

Do I agree with all of them?

(00:05:42):

Absolutely not.

(00:05:43):

But that's the coolest thing I feel about humanity is we can simply coexist in a

(00:05:48):

world where not everybody has to have the same opinions and the same views.

(00:05:52):

Now,

(00:05:52):

There's plenty of other people out there that'll tell you that this doesn't work,

(00:05:56):

that no one's existing with opposing views without being at each other's throats.

(00:06:00):

But guess what?

(00:06:02):

Everybody does.

(00:06:04):

Every single fucking day.

(00:06:05):

You know why?

(00:06:06):

Because...

(00:06:08):

Joe Schmo likes fucking red onions and you think they're fucking disgusting.

(00:06:13):

Well, guess what?

(00:06:13):

Those are two different opinions, but you're not beating his ass because he likes red onions.

(00:06:18):

You're not over there calling him fucking names or anything like that.

(00:06:21):

No, he just likes fucking red onions and he thinks they're amazing.

(00:06:24):

But you don't.

(00:06:25):

Who gives a fuck?

(00:06:26):

Like, that's the thing.

(00:06:28):

We are all,

(00:06:29):

yes,

(00:06:29):

entitled to have our own opinion,

(00:06:31):

but nobody...

(00:06:33):

People need to stop giving a fuck about other people's opinions.

(00:06:37):

And that's really...

(00:06:38):

what I am seeing a giant theme.

(00:06:41):

And I feel like this trajectory has gone off very,

(00:06:46):

I feel like the trajectory of this podcast has gone off very off course.

(00:06:52):

You know, what's sad is my words are all over the fucking place right now.

(00:06:55):

And I haven't even had anything that could do that.

(00:07:00):

I am a hundred percent sober.

(00:07:01):

Now that's not always the case.

(00:07:03):

And I do think, I do think because I am a tree consumer,

(00:07:08):

that doing some podcasts with a tree consumer on there would be super cool but the

(00:07:16):

curiosity chronicles are just gonna be literally whatever i want to talk about like

(00:07:21):

i mean that's what my blog is right like all these posts are just whatever the fuck

(00:07:24):

i want to talk about i talk about lily i talk about me i talk about my past

(00:07:29):

relationships i talk about shit that i see i talk about shit about talk about shit

(00:07:32):

that i'm doing like i just simply love to talk

(00:07:37):

And that's what we're going to do.

(00:07:38):

We're going to talk here.

Heads up, this is a little bit longer of a chat, I recommend 1.5 or 2x speed :)

(00:00:01):

It's Car Chat with Taylor time.

(00:00:02):

Okay, so I wanted to talk about the paywall stuff.

(00:00:06):

So, recently, I have been... I've just been really mulling over this.

(00:00:10):

And I was so excited for the Panties post to come out.

(00:00:14):

And it really had me feeling like I was really disappointed that people weren't able to read it.

(00:00:20):

And,

(00:00:21):

like,

(00:00:22):

the little money grabber person inside of me,

(00:00:25):

the person who always just wants more money,

(00:00:28):

was like,

(00:00:28):

well...

(00:00:29):

People will pay to read it.

(00:00:31):

But that's not what I want.

(00:00:33):

Like, I'm not writing this stuff just to make money.

(00:00:38):

Yeah, I want to make money.

(00:00:39):

But, like, I don't expect Substack to be my source of income.

(00:00:44):

Like, ideally, it would actually come from books.

(00:00:47):

I have to finish writing those first.

(00:00:49):

But, um...

(00:00:51):

Like, it just... It hasn't been feeling right.

(00:00:54):

There's all these posts that I've written that are behind a paywall that I think are quite good.

(00:01:00):

And I... I mean, I'm biased.

(00:01:02):

It's my shit.

(00:01:03):

So, you know.

(00:01:04):

But I just... I'm tired of people not being able to read my stuff.

(00:01:10):

And I've subscribed to a few other writers who have completely unpaywalled their stuff.

(00:01:18):

And...

(00:01:20):

I really like that,

(00:01:21):

especially because,

(00:01:22):

like,

(00:01:23):

I have a maximum of $15 a month that I can spend on sub-sac.

(00:01:27):

Like, that is my literal max amount.

(00:01:30):

And so I have to be very specific and very choosy with who I choose to pay to subscribe to.

(00:01:36):

And I really, really love the writers who don't pay well anything.

(00:01:42):

Um,

(00:01:43):

and to be honest,

(00:01:44):

like to be really honest,

(00:01:46):

I've unsubscribed from certain sub stacks because they,

(00:01:51):

most of their stuff was paywalled and I just was frustrated and I didn't,

(00:01:57):

you know,

(00:01:58):

I had already chosen my subscriptions for that month and I really try not to switch

(00:02:04):

between sub stackers very frequently and who I choose to subscribe to.

(00:02:09):

Um,

(00:02:11):

So I just, I didn't want people to be put in that situation with my stuff.

(00:02:16):

And in, I'm part of Tom, uh, I don't remember what his writing platform's called.

(00:02:26):

But anyway, we have a Discord.

(00:02:27):

Discord.

(00:02:28):

And a lot of the writers in there are new, like me.

(00:02:31):

They're small, like me.

(00:02:33):

And we've been trying some different things,

(00:02:36):

different experiments on how to just get more subscribers,

(00:02:39):

have people find your writing more.

(00:02:42):

And one of the writers was really running into a paywall issue.

(00:02:46):

He found really fantastic stuff to read.

(00:02:48):

And he really enjoyed it, but he wasn't able to read it.

(00:02:53):

Or sometimes he was able to read it, but he wasn't able to comment.

(00:02:57):

Which is a vital portion of, at least for me, the community aspect of Substack.

(00:03:02):

I look forward to the comments.

(00:03:05):

And really, the comments on my posts and my notes more than anything else on Substack.

(00:03:10):

So...

(00:03:12):

It really got me thinking, what's the point?

(00:03:16):

The only reason why I want people to pay is just so I can have some extra money.

(00:03:22):

That's really all it is.

(00:03:23):

It has nothing to do with... I'm not really...

(00:03:26):

giving anybody anything tangible maybe I will in the future but like right now all

(00:03:33):

it is is just my writing and I'm so small and I would rather have less money and

(00:03:39):

more subscribers if that makes sense like I would rather more people see my work

(00:03:44):

and then choose to upgrade or choose to pay because they just want to support me

(00:03:48):

not because they're trying to get something um and

(00:03:53):

Like, to be honest, I feel like that's what you get with, like, other platforms.

(00:04:03):

I don't know.

(00:04:04):

I ran a traditional blog for so long, for so long, a year.

(00:04:08):

I ran a traditional blog for a year and like my shit didn't get any views on there.

(00:04:12):

And I was still writing and I was still happy with it.

(00:04:15):

But I spent time and time and time and time and time creating all these different

(00:04:18):

things to try to get people to pay for my stuff or to click on my affiliate links.

(00:04:22):

And that's just not who I am.

(00:04:24):

That's not who I am.

(00:04:26):

And it's such a hard conundrum for me because like I would love to leave my day job.

(00:04:33):

love, love, love, love, would love to leave my day job.

(00:04:36):

But like the logical,

(00:04:37):

realistic side of my brain knows that it's probably going to be about three years

(00:04:40):

before I can do that.

(00:04:42):

Um, like just, that's just, I think that's just a real expectation for me to have.

(00:04:49):

Um,

(00:04:50):

and so then if it's going to take me three years,

(00:04:54):

I would rather it be three years of slow growth with people who genuinely want to

(00:04:58):

be paying for me,

(00:04:59):

um,

(00:05:00):

Like, they just want to support me versus, you know, three years of hustling and gatekeeping.

(00:05:09):

Like, I hate gatekeeping.

(00:05:10):

I hate when people are trying to teach something and they completely gatekeep it or

(00:05:14):

make it completely unobtainable.

(00:05:16):

I understand people need to make money.

(00:05:18):

And I think one of the biggest things I enjoy about the paid subscriptions on

(00:05:23):

Substack is that a lot of people aren't gatekeepers.

(00:05:27):

there's some people who are,

(00:05:28):

but there's people who like Tom where like,

(00:05:31):

he's not actually gatekeeping his knowledge.

(00:05:33):

It's not his knowledge that he's gatekeeping.

(00:05:35):

He, he, and he's not really gatekeeping anyone or anything.

(00:05:38):

What he's doing is providing a community and a platform that's even more niche,

(00:05:43):

even more down,

(00:05:44):

you know,

(00:05:45):

he's providing us with live calls and,

(00:05:46):

um,

(00:05:47):

You know,

(00:05:47):

if you upgrade even more,

(00:05:49):

you got one-on-one chats and there's,

(00:05:51):

you know,

(00:05:52):

there's little,

(00:05:53):

like,

(00:05:53):

things that you can grab onto that are,

(00:05:57):

that you're paying for.

(00:05:58):

And that's why I'm still paying for it.

(00:06:00):

Because, like...

(00:06:02):

what I'm getting from him is this immense amount of value for pennies in comparison to what I'm paying.

(00:06:09):

Um,

(00:06:10):

like for real,

(00:06:11):

if you're a new writer,

(00:06:12):

I highly recommend writers at work,

(00:06:15):

Christina God and Tom Kuklers.

(00:06:18):

Kuklers.

(00:06:18):

I always screw up.

(00:06:19):

I'm the worst with fucking names.

(00:06:21):

the worst.

(00:06:23):

Anyway.

(00:06:24):

Um, so yeah, I, this car chat might come out before my other car chat that I had already recorded.

(00:06:33):

Um,

(00:06:34):

so it might not make any sense why I'm doing a fucking car chat because the other

(00:06:38):

one I explained what the fuck a car chat is.

(00:06:40):

Um, but yeah,

(00:06:43):

And I just, like, I feel so much more fired up.

(00:06:47):

And I think I'm going to keep my cadence of two posts a week, I think.

(00:06:52):

We'll see how it goes.

(00:06:55):

But I will say that Louise... Gosh, I'll have to look up her name and I'll tag her in this.

(00:07:02):

But she really inspired me to do this.

(00:07:05):

And...

(00:07:07):

When I started my sub stack,

(00:07:08):

I didn't want to turn on paid posts,

(00:07:11):

but I just kept seeing all these things and I was like,

(00:07:14):

fuck,

(00:07:14):

maybe that's what I'm supposed to do.

(00:07:15):

Maybe that's what the universe wants for me, but I don't think that's what the universe wants for me.

(00:07:20):

And I will say that when I worked in nonprofit, when I fundraised authenticity, authenticity,

(00:07:32):

Authentically, there we go.

(00:07:33):

When I, when I fundraised authentically, I made way more money.

(00:07:38):

When I started doing all of the things that everybody else started telling me to do,

(00:07:42):

I stopped making nearly as much money.

(00:07:44):

I mean,

(00:07:45):

I went from making thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars,

(00:07:49):

you know,

(00:07:50):

as a brand new baby nonprofit in a very,

(00:07:53):

very specific niche to making hundreds of

(00:07:57):

Like there was a time where only my monthly donors were bringing in me any money.

(00:08:03):

And it was, I mean, I had like five monthly donors and they weren't, it wasn't a lot.

(00:08:08):

I mean, don't get me wrong.

(00:08:09):

They kept my nonprofit afloat,

(00:08:12):

but I lost so many people when I started doing it in a way that other nonprofits

(00:08:18):

were telling me to do it.

(00:08:19):

My former boss was telling me to do it.

(00:08:21):

Um, and I

(00:08:25):

It just didn't work.

(00:08:26):

It didn't work.

(00:08:28):

It wasn't who I am.

(00:08:30):

This is not who I am.

(00:08:31):

I am a person who loves fucking libraries.

(00:08:35):

Why?

(00:08:35):

Because they're free.

(00:08:36):

I can get so much knowledge for free.

(00:08:40):

I love universities who do the free courses.

(00:08:43):

Like...

(00:08:44):

So if that's what I am,

(00:08:45):

and that's what I look for,

(00:08:46):

and that's what I love,

(00:08:48):

and then I go and donate to my fucking library.

(00:08:51):

Like, literally, that's one of my goals.

(00:08:53):

I want to be,

(00:08:54):

like,

(00:08:54):

a founder,

(00:08:55):

a donor,

(00:08:56):

a big donor of libraries and hospitals and places that do things for free.

(00:09:01):

And so if that's who I am, I shouldn't be charging for my stuff.

(00:09:06):

Like, that's just the reality of it.

(00:09:08):

Like, that's just who I am.

(00:09:09):

And I think I just needed to come to terms with it.

(00:09:13):

And...

(00:09:13):

I needed reassurance and I needed to see if there was other people who felt the same way as me.

(00:09:18):

Um, and yeah, I shouldn't necessarily need, um, you know, reassurance.

(00:09:27):

I can't talk today.

(00:09:29):

It's probably because I drank a monster rain.

(00:09:31):

I was drinking this one.

(00:09:34):

Um, fudgesicles.

(00:09:38):

I lost my train of thought.

(00:09:45):

Oh, I wanted to see how other people felt and if this was a theme or if I was like completely not here.

(00:09:52):

And I mean,

(00:09:53):

that's why at eight o'clock this morning I posted that fucking note asking about it

(00:09:56):

because like,

(00:09:58):

you know,

(00:09:59):

that's just how my brain works.

(00:10:00):

Like I wake up thinking about things like this.

(00:10:02):

Not always fun, but it is what it is.

(00:10:06):

Um, so yeah, I am unpaywalling everything.

(00:10:10):

Everybody will have access to everything.

(00:10:12):

And if you choose to upgrade your subscription,

(00:10:15):

you are doing so because you want to support me,

(00:10:17):

you want to support my book writing,

(00:10:18):

you want to learn more,

(00:10:19):

you know,

(00:10:21):

whatever.

(00:10:21):

And down the line,

(00:10:23):

sure,

(00:10:23):

I might have some things to give to my paid subscribers,

(00:10:28):

but I just,

(00:10:31):

I'm done with the paywall.

(00:10:35):

So...

(00:10:36):

I hope you enjoy and if you want to post a week,

(00:10:39):

let me know if you think like that's too much or if you would rather just see one

(00:10:43):

post a week.

(00:10:44):

And if there's something you want to hear me talk about,

(00:10:46):

like someone told me that they would love to see more of the photos from Lily's

(00:10:50):

like life experience photo shoot.

(00:10:52):

So I'm going to write a whole post about that.

(00:10:53):

If there's something that you know about me that you want to learn more about,

(00:10:56):

or if you're like,

(00:10:57):

I want to hear your story from this,

(00:10:59):

or you're like,

(00:11:00):

oh my God,

(00:11:00):

what other crazy shit has she done?

(00:11:02):

Because I'm kind of crazy.

(00:11:04):

That's okay.

(00:11:06):

Um, let me know.

(00:11:08):

But yeah.

(00:11:11):

Okay.

(00:11:11):

Bye.

Disclaimer, I say like a lot and go on a lot of digressions. Have fun!

Okay,

SO yesterday I listened to a replay video from the Girl on Fire Collective.

I'm telling you, like I get nothing, literally nothing, from promoting it so much. I'm not even promoting it, I'm just trying to explain how fucking incredible this group is and how much value it provides. I mean I think I get like discounts on her courses, but like that's beside the point. I don't actually make any money and I think that almost makes it better. 

Anyway, yesterday I was listening to one of Cara's replays and it was about becoming unbothered I needed to hear that yesterday and it was so fucking cool because I listened to that and then I was able to utilize it so effectively that afternoon.

Why was this?

I was waiting to see if D got this job that he was trying to get because it was going to be the best step in the best direction for our family and for him more importantly. But I kept trying to check my phone because I wanted to see if he was still at the place interviewing and I hadn't heard from him and it had already been an hour and a half. Cara was literally talking about that in the recording, how like, you know what happens when you're bothered by something, you're constantly checking your phone, you're overthinking things, blah blah blah (she didn’t literally say that lol) and that's literally what I was doing. 

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So I stopped and I did what she recommended and I said okay what would unbothered Taylor do in this situation and I knew instantly.

-Unbothered Taylor knew that he got this job, unbothered Taylor is feeling these Jitters inside not because she’s nervous but because she's like so excited she can feel the energy from the universe coming and blessing us and that is exactly what happened. Not only that, there were a few different instances with this particular job that would’ve made it so this job wouldn’t have happened for him. But it did and that alone was showing me when I believe in myself, when I believe in the universe, it will happen.

Digression incoming

Yesterday, while trying to be unbothered Taylor, I sang…

What I do sometimes is I make up little songs because my brain is very musical. It only sings for some reason. It's obnoxious as fuck sometimes.

Digression #2

Like if you go on my Instagram you can literally see every single day what song is stuck in my head literally, oh my God that's so annoying, my brain literally just started singing the song that's been stuck in my head all morning that I posted on Instagram, like come on; which by the way is Lost by Bring Me To The Horizon.

Anyway anyway anyway, I started singing a song about like what would Taylor do? What would Taylor do, what does the highest version of myself feel, what does the highest version of myself need to set herself free, it was just flowing out of me. I was just singing it and it's cheesy and it didn't matter, like I'm not going to make a real song out of it but, like it worked! It worked because I realized that I just needed to listen to my soul, I just needed to be me and listen to me, and that will set me free.

Back to our scheduled program

Oh my God, like the revelations I'm having internally because of finally having a support group that actually fits me, that understands me; that knows what I need without knowing, it's just mind-blowing. Like I waited a whole year, literally a whole year, I listened to Style Your Mind for a year before I joined this group because I wanted to make sure that I had the money.

ope another digression

Because one of the things I've been ufucking is my finances. Like how I spend my money. I spend it intelligently now, not on just whatever the fuck I feel like because my ADHD tries to control it. Honestly, that's just an excuse, I have control over my money, no one else just me nothing else just me.

But I waited for a year to join this group, I wanted to so bad for so long, and even though it wasn't a lot of money, it really wasn't, like even now that she's increased the prices but like the quality has upgraded dramatically like worth it still, but like I got lucky and I joined before that happened. And even though the dollar amount is not very much, it was important to me to make sure that I was spending in alignment for this. You guys it fucking paid off because the fucking amount of knowledge that has been downloaded into my brain because of this group has been literally priceless.

Like the money I pay for it is not even close to the value that I'm getting like not even close. I've been in it for 2 months and it has already changed my life, it just is fucking wild but if you can find your group, join it. The Girl on Fire Collective may not be yours but I really encourage you to find your space, find your place where you are supported and encouraged, and where the energy matches yours.

XOXO,

Taylor Cecelia Brook

P.S. Are you wondering where the fuck is the info for this group that I keep blabbing about? Check it out: https://www.girlonfirecollective.com

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