Today on the show we discuss the complexities of indentured servitude and what it's like to get paid with the wrong woman. Jacob doesn't just get one woman but four.

So we start off with Jacob working for his uncle to get Rachel. Because this is the Bible, it's cool cause women are property yo. So Jacob works as a servant for 7 years to get Rachel but instead is bamboozled with Leah. He doesn't even realize it isn't Rachel till after they are wed and he's fucked her. Kind of like the asshole that doesn't realize he ordered a salad but got a hamburger so he decides to complain.

So Jacob gets Rachel too but has to work another 7 years as an indentured servant. It's odd how Jacob is now on the receiving end of being bamboozled when he bamboozled his father. During that time, Jacob is having kids. Rachel is barren because god said "FUCK RACHEL" so he had kids with leah. Then Rachel gave him her woman servant. Then Leah gave him her servant. Then God pitied Rachel and allowed her to have children.

Later on, Jacob wants to leave his uncle and take some of the flock. His uncle tries to bamboozle Jacob again but fails because Jacob is expecting it.

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Welcome Heathens! We are back on with the Daily Bible Podcast. We had to take a couple weeks there because I was on a business trip but now I'm back and ready to get to work.

Today on the Podcast, we have a tale of two white trash men living it up in the trailer park in the middle east. The first guy has a son and he, Isaac, marries Becky from down the block. Becky is a lot younger than Isaac but nobody seems to give a fuck. Now after the Abraham dies, his son Isaac decides to repeat everything that he did. From denying he has wife and calling her his sister to Abimelech, to fleeing to Egypt because of famine. I mean it's a shot for shot remake of the entire fucking thing.

Then we get to Jacob and Esau. Esau is riding the short bus while Jacob is the jock that everyone wants to love but also know he's a dick. Jacob convinces the mentally handicap red head wookie, aka Esau, to give up his birth right for some lentil soup, the shittiest of all soups.

So today we are dealing with Genesis 24. In Genesis 24, we are selecting a suitable wife for Isaac. You know, the non-bastard son of Abraham. Well after Sarah dies, Abraham then decides to get his son a wife, because why would he find himself a wife, that's ridiculous. So Abraham sends his servant to the land of Nahor and tells him to get Isaac a bride. So it wasn't actually Abraham that went.. he sent a fucking proxy.

We also discuss the age of Rebekah when she was selected and the morality surrounding that.

Today on the Daily Bible Podcast we are covering the part where Isaac gets punk'd by Abraham. In an act of what can only be called stupidity, Abraham listens to the voices in his head and tries to sacrifice his only son. Well not his only son, remember he has that one bastard, but still it's his only true son. This is the same son that took like 100 years for Sarah to conceive.

So, in showing his unwaivering ability to be crazy as fuck, god tells him that now he will have descendants as numerous as the stars. Isaac must be the one to do all this fucking and having kids though because in the next scene Sarah dies. Before that, though we meet Nahor again. Now while god has been promising all these descendants to Abraham, Nahor has 8 goddamn sons. I don't know but seems like Abraham got the raw end of the descendants deal here.

Back to Sarah's death though. Abraham then reverse-heckles a guy for a tomb. If you're unclear as to what reverse-heckling is, I don't blame you. It's when you pay more for something that you would have gotten at a lesser value. He would have gotten the tomb for free but he heckled that motherfucker up to 400 Sheckles... That's like 10 rapes.

So in this episode, we deal with Abimelech and the Birth of Isaac. Abimelech asks for Sarah to join him as his wife. Of course, Abraham has her just say that she is his sister (which isn't a lie). God tells Abimelech that he'll kill him if he keeps Sarah. Oh, and God has also closed up all the vaginas in his house.

Isaac was also born. Ishmael is an archer.

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So today's episode starts out with Abraham getting visited by god. While Abe slaughters a calf God and he makes small talk. After all that killing, God tells Abe that Sarah will bear a child in a year. Sarah laughs and then God gives her the Samuel L. Jackson look like "Bitch, you said what." She lies to god about laughing which is a big mistake.

Next, we head to Sodom and Abe stops god before he leaves. He argues with God and attempts to jew him out of a good time. After pinky swearing to Abe that he wouldn't destroy the city if he found 10 righteous men in it. The Angels get taken in by Lot and like a "new ass" bat signal every man int he city surrounds Lot's house and tells him to bring the new pieces of ass outside so they can run a train on them. Lot was like nope, here have my virgin daughters for your rape train. Then the angels blinded everyone and told Lot to get the fuck out.

They end with the incest scene that for some reason is wrong.

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So today we have a lot to talk about. First up is how hypocritical Sarai is with Hagar. First, she gives Hagar to Abram as a consolation prize because she's barren as fuck and God is slower than a fat guy on a scooter. So Abram conceives a child with Hagar and that pisses Sarai because she's a confused bitch.

Next God chooses Abraham to be his special chosen people. The grand prize for that is circumcision, cutting part of your dick off. I know the prize sucks. Abraham circumcises himself and then everyone that is in his household has to be circumcised by Abraham.

#NotGayAtAll.

So from Sarai and Hagar to Abraham circumcising himself, today is a weird one and a major struggle for me to not make dick jokes.

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Today in the Daily Bible, we are looking at how Abram dishonors himself. Normally when we are talking about dishonoring people Asia is involved but this time it's Egypt. So we have Abram and Sarai are traveling through Egypt and like the good cuck that he is Abram allows Pharoh to take Sarai as a wife because he couldn't handle the consequences of being her husband. Sarai was so beautiful that it scared the man of Abram. Of course, Christians teach this as "You have to be faithful to god no matter what" because apparently he should have just trusted that god would protect them.

Pharoh ends up giving Sarai back because of some major STD that he received and honestly you can see where this story was copy / pasted to another person in the bible. Abram had to go back to where he came from with Sarai in tow.

How much bitching do you think she did on the way back?

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Today we are looking into the Descendants of Shem, Ham, and Jerry. Abraham descends from the line of Shem and Ham's descendants are the Canaanites. They give themselves weird names and I really don't know how they kept them straight. These descendants include Kush and his son Nimrod. I have a lot of fun with that.

We also look into the "logic" of the Tower of Babel. Apparently, God got scared of people being united. And there is some Flat Earth Theory that is insinuated by the Tower of Babel.

Thank you for joining GE's Daily Bible Podcast today. Don't forget to leave those comments for our special comment episode.

Remember to Stand up and Use your voice.

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So today we tackle Noah and the Flood. We find out a lot of things like "How much does a fuck-ton weigh?" It's amazing how few questions religious people actually ask while reading the bible. First, we cover why exactly god needed to be all genocidal and how it was really dumb for him to lament over it when it had to be this way. Then we move into the building of the ark and the actual flood waters appearing. We calculate the amount of water needed to cover the earth like that and it's a fuck-ton.

We finish up today talking about the curse of ham and how it's all because Ham looked a bit too long at Noah's penis. Noah found out and said "Ain't no son of mine gonna be a faggot" and then cursed him and his descendants for eternity.

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