The Daily Devo with Steve

We’ve gotten through Andy’s framework for making decisions now, and the book, and here are the 5 questions he presents:

Something that I think makes sense to ask ourselves before we venture into this questions would be this: “What decision am I trying to make, and am I open to the truth about this decision?”.

I think we sometimes knowingly make wrong decisions and we don’t want to know the truth about them.  But, I think it is sometimes easier to ask this questions, “Am I open to the truth?” before we even get into discovering the truth that question number 1 will draw out.  But, either way, these are our questions.  This is a heck of a framework.  I have used TextExpander to create a template with this 5 questions and, from now on, anywhere I type “@5Q” on a page these 5 questions will appear.  I will commit to using them in my life as a part of my daily decision making.  I can’t see how this wouldn’t be helpful and illuminating over time.

As always, Andy’s book was really good, well written, succinct, and powerful.

Tomorrow, I am going to start reading between background on 1 Corinthians.  I am going to start down the path of deep-diving into these letters from Paul to the church of Corinth.

See you then, and hope you enjoyed this book as much as I did.

What does love require of me?  This is the relationship question.  This is a question that really tugs at your heart if you ask it honestly.  And here’s why...it is a much more subjective question.  If you REALLY want to make this question difficult, then you must tie in another element, which goes like this:  “Knowing what I know about Jesus and the love He gave to me, what does love require of me?”.  Ouch.    And, look at this, there is ample suggestion of what love actually is if we open up scripture to what is often referred to as the wedding or love chapter:

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8 Love never ends.

So, we know these:

Now, that’s a list.  But, back to our question, what does that list, if that’s the example we are following, what does THAT require of me?

Talk about a heck of a standard...that’s hard.  Imagine if everyone asked that question when plotting their choices in life.  Wow.  That would be unbelievable.

The maturity question - “What is the WISE thing to do?”.  Notice the subtle brilliance in this question - it isn’t “What can I get away with?”, or “What is legal?”, or “What is permissible?”.  In fact, Andy expands on it and makes this into such a powerful question as written:

“In light of my past experiences, in light of my future hopes and dreams, what is the wise thing to do?

Or, given what I know about me, what I have experienced and learned in life - given what I want for myself and for my future and for the future of my family - what is the best choice, the wise choice?  Great, great question.

Immediately coming to mind while was reading this was a passage from the New Testament, from 1 Corinthians chapter 10.  Notice the apostle Paul’s comments in 1 Corinthians 10:23:  “All things are lawful,” but not all things are helpful. “All things are lawful,” but not all things build up.   I can almost see this same line of thinking, this same question, buried in his comments.

Poor decisions are like dog poop in the yard - if you aren’t careful you’ll not only step in it, but you may actually bring it into the house.  It just goes with you.

This question forces us to face the very things we are trying to ignore in my decision making process.  This question is personal...we could just as easily restate the question with the emphasis on the YOU vs. elsewhere and create an emphasis on that element - what is the wise thing for YOU, for ME, to do.

The point of this question is this - if we avoid doing what is unwise, we will certainly avoid doing what’s wrong.  If we avoid doing what is unwise, we will avoid regret.

Wow, what a strong question.

Is there a tension that deserves your attention?  That’s the question for this chapter; the conscience question.  Of the questions, I think this, or the next one maybe, is perhaps the question that requires the most courage.  I think that’s the case because this one often isn’t quite so obvious...and this one requires some thought many times.  In order to ask this question, we have to be willing to pause and to consider opinions counters to our own.  That’s another way of saying that it requires humility.

Here is what happens, at least for me - get into decision-making mode and it is like a brief high.  I get excited to get a decision done and to move on.  And, once I start in that direction, I want it done, and I typically go into a mode of confirmation bias; that is, I have already kind of made the decision in my mind and now I am looking for ways to confirm that I am right.  I am no longer a detective, but I am member of the defense counsel.  I become a defense attorney for my idea.  And, it is true with alcohol as well as with anything else...intoxication desensitizes our instincts.  Not only alcohol - all kinds...we are intoxicated with the idea of being right, with being done with the decision as a whole, with moving forward or moving on.  And this lust or intoxication for progress removes that edge in us; that edge that can hear that subtle, “ah-ha...maybe you should consider this thing”.  And while our emotions shouldn’t drive the proverbial train, and we shouldn’t be steered solely on the basis of our emotions, our emotions SHOULD be heard.  This is the step in the process where we are intentionally tapping into them...into that internal voice that’s trying to tell us something.  It is amazing how our minds can relate ideas that are sometimes seemingly unconnected, and it can provide this internal warning.  This is about pausing to at least consider that internal nudge.

And here is another thing I have noticed in my own life - that ignoring our internal nudges long enough also desensitizes us to them.  If we ignore that emotional tug, the next time it doesn’t tug as hard.  And the next time, even less.  And eventually we don’t feel it at all.  And that’s how good people start doing bad things without really connecting their actions to their beliefs...they have become desensitized because they ignored their intuition too long.  That’s a bad place to be...and it definitely sets us up to make poor choices over time.  And, this is another reason intentional and productive relationships are so important...they can counter this erosion, and they can help to restore it and to keep it in check.  The same intuition that sends us that nudge loves when a friend of ours confirms that they are seeing the same thing, and it just helps that intuition to be affirmed and to stay sharp.

Bottom line for today - let that “something”, that internal nudge that is in you bother you - listen and look; examine it.  At least be sure you know WHY it is there before you move forward.

What story do you want to tell?  What a great question - Andy calls it the Legacy question.   We don’t think of our lives as stories, and we don’t think about how our private decisions don’t remain private...they become part of your story, and the story of those coming after you.

Some day, you want to be able to tell your story; ALL of it.  You won’t want to skip any chapters.   But it is so hard, in the moment, to keep this perspective.  Just as we saw in the last chapter with Confirmation Bias tainting our ability to see reality, to see truth, here we have a hard time keeping the bigger perspective, keeping in mind that we are going to one day see our lives as a story that we are going to want to tell, and we struggle because of another psychological bias called focalism.  Focalism is just the tendency to get hyper-focused on this one thing, this one moment.  It is when all of our ability to imagine what could be and our ability to see the big picture gets essentially taken over by a focus on the here-and-now; in the moment.  And the beauty of this question is that it is almost impossible not to see the bigger picture when we ask this question...what story do I want to tell?

One thing that is difficult with this concept is that, with most stories we watch on TV or read in books, we get to the end and we lose sight of what it was like, in the moment...we are tainted by hindsight.  But the next time you are reading through a book or watching a show, see if you can think to yourself, right here and now, this is when the story is being written.  See if you can get yourself to think about what’s been and what’s to come, in the context of the moment.  It can be a habit that translates into our personal lives then as well...we just need to form the habit of asking this question, in the moment.  And, the question is so good, it doesn’t need a ton of explanation...it just takes to into the right mode of thinking.

Andy tells the story of Jospeh, and I have heard him talk about this many times...it is a GREAT illustration of this idea.  The story can be stopped at multiple points and you can see this idea both being leveraged (in Joseph’s life) and being ignored (in the lives of most of the other characters in the story).

The first question, the integrity question, as Andy calls it, is this:

Why do I do this, really?  Why do I want this, really?  Why did I do that, really?

You rarely have to sell yourself on a good idea.  Further, you rarely have to justify a good idea to yourself.  Justifying is just akin to ‘just-a-lying’.  And it is even a little more sinister than that - most of us aren’t REALLY on a truth quest; we are on a confirmation quest.  We want to be right more than we want to be true.  Our best version of ourselves finds a way to seek and apply truth rather than preference.  That’s a huge idea!  Why do we do this?  Psychologists say that we have a hard time with this, with telling ourselves lies, is because of confirmation bias.  Think about abortion and gun control.  You and I already have opinions on these, and every time we see something that CONFIRMS our opinion, we key in on it, and when we see something to the opposite of what we believe, we can creatively forget it or ignore it, without trying very hard!  This plays into the topic of the last book I read as well - we talked about the Christian faith vs. atheism.  The reality is, smart people have found a way to be on both sides of the discussion, and with good reason.  The point we should take from the book is that we shouldn’t feel like we are idiots if we truth in God’s existence and in the story of Jesus - there is evidence for that.  But, whichever way we decide, the truth is that we tend to identify and adopt evidence that supports our view, and we ignore the other.  This is the issue between Democrats and Republicans - just as it a problem internally with ourselves.

The reality is that nothing changes until we are completely honest with ourselves.

Andy says that the 3 areas where people tend to have the biggest regrets are purchases, relationships, and habits. Andy calls this the 3 D’s - Dumb purchases, doomed relationships, destructive habits.

He makes a great point - if a sales person used on you, the same pitch YOU use on YOU, you would be appalled.  Think about  how you justify your purchasing decisions - “If you don’t like it, just donate it.”  Or, “This is the same as the one you already have, except that it has this one extra thing...”.  Or, “Come on, you’ve been working hard, you deserve this.”  Ever said those to yourself?  Sure you have...we all have.  But if someone else said to me, that would almost be offensive.  Let’s not give ourselves slack on this! And we do things like this, we justify things like this with relationships and habits as well.

Relationships and habits are so similar, but they are typically more on-going and behavioral than the purchases, which tend to be more impulsive decisions, for most people.  Think about this - you can’t talk your way out of a problem that you behaved your way into.  And, the thinking that led you into the problem isn’t likely to be the thinking that leads you out of it.  We have to cut through the noise and get clarity in order to change - and change requires full and unbridled truth.  Dishonesty fuels addictions of all kinds.

Great, great chapter - and a great question.  Why am I doing this, REALLY?

This book has a simple premise; our decisions determine our story.  Further, our decisions determine our legacy, and trajectory of the lives of those coming along behind us.  And we know this - private decisions have a public outcomes; our personal decisions won’t forever be personal.  The decisions we make really do matter.  Even the seemingly trivial ones often compound and become part of the bigger story.

Andy didn’t say this, but in listening, I thought about this as well - we make TONS of decisions.  Tons of them.  And we get tired and fatigued...that is actually a thing in the executive coaching world - decision fatigue.  So a framework like we are going to explore can help to automate decision-making in a way that forces us to filter the decision and not just plow through on autopilot when we are tired.

Andy also gave us one of my favorite quotes of his: most people don’t decide to ruin their lives intentionally, but most people don’t plan NOT to.  Let me say that again, but it is so strong - most people don’t decide to ruin their lives intentionally, but most people don’t plan NOT to.  These questions are part of a plan NOT to ruin our lives.  And we all know this, that we may not be good at sales, but we are all good at selling ourselves.

So, when should you pause and use this framework?  Whenever we start selling ourselves.  Whenever we start selling ourselves we should pause and work through these 5 questions.  And why is that?  Because rarely do we have to sell ourselves on a good idea!

Here are the 5 questions:

These are so simple...yet they are so illuminating if you really think about them.  I have already created a template for journaling and I am going to commit to using this framework, literally through writing, as I make decisions over the next 30 days, even on seemingly trivial decisions, just to be sure I turn this into a habit for myself personally.

I really enjoyed the reading of God’s Not Dead, and I think I am going to do one more book reading before I dive into the next few Bible readings.  I have a book I have been wanting to go through called “Better Decisions, Fewer Regrets” by Andy Stanley.  I will start that tomorrow and I assume that this will be a quick read, as his books are normally quick and really good.

Today though, finishing up this Proverbs reading, a couple things jump out at me.

First was verse 29: “Do not say, “I will do to him as he has done to me; I will pay the man back for what he has done.”  What jumps out at me is how obvious this instruction is - that we aren’t to pay people back.  The verse preceding tells us not to be a witness against our neighbor without a cause, but this verse steps it up...don’t repay evil with evil.  We see this sprinkled throughout Jesus’ teachings as well, that we should leave vengeance to God, and that once we’ve claimed Grace for ourselves in accepting Jesus, then we’ve also disclaimed our right to hold others to a standard to which WE aren’t being held.  It is interesting to see this in the Old Testament context.  But think about it purely from a position of wisdom, taking Jesus out of it for a moment...when we are worried about revenge, what are we really doing?  We are getting hyper-focused on (a) ourselves and (b) hurting someone else.  There is no way to live in love if you we are (a) focused on ourselves and (b) trying to hurt someone.  If we are acting in love and truly for THEIR benefit, then we can approach them and can seek correction, but that takes dealing with ourselves and our own issues first...and that’s an entirely different thing.  This is wisdom because this is reality - that vengeance hurts us in the end.

The second thing that jumped out at me were verses 33 and 34, “A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest, and poverty will come upon you like a robber, and want like an armed man.”  This got me thinking about something I have heard often in personal development circles, that you can tell the size of a person by the size of the problem that really compels him, or that really gains his attention.  I think we can fall into a trap on both sides of this - that we can be so busy with things in life that we miss the important things, and similarly, we can be so laid back and so uninvolved and unproductive that we are constantly focused on trivial things.  There is a balance that we want to find.  I tend to be stuck in the former personally, which is no better than that latter...we would be wise to monitor ourselves in this way, and to make sure we are in balance in this area.

Jumping back into Proverbs as I set my sights on the next reading, we get back to where left off previously with chapter 24; there are two things that stuck out to me this morning.

First is verse 12,  “If you say, “Behold, we did not know this,” does not he who weighs the heart perceive it?   Does not he who keeps watch over your soul know it, and will he not repay man according to his work?”.  I think we are all masters of deception - especially to ourselves.  And it is easy to claim we didn’t know something or we didn’t realize something while, in our hearts, that isn’t entirely true.  The writer here is reminding us that we need to go deeper with ourselves...when we are tempted to wiggle out of something with this excuse, “I didn’t realize that _____”, we should pause and ask ourselves, “Really?”...or, “Did I REALLY not know that?”.  We should realize that God doesn’t call us to be perfect, but He does value authenticity, or ‘realness’.  If we can’t catch ourselves in these little traps and tendencies, we can go along unchecked for a long time, lying to ourselves and creating a narrative that seems right to us but that is not reality.  That’s when we check-up, way down the road, and we starting wondering, “How did I get here?”...and it’s because we ignored this little truth, then that one, then another one...and so on.  Little lies and little bits of self-deception, its like death by a thousand paper cuts.

And the other thing that jumped out to me this morning is in verses 17 and 18: 17 “Do not rejoice when your enemy falls, and let not your heart be glad when he stumbles, 18 lest the Lord see it and be displeased, and turn away his anger from him.”  Now, obviously we aren’t talking about an enemy in the context of like a war...I mean, let’s not take this to an extreme.  I feel like the author is talking about something more like this - that guy against whom you are always competing at work, who seems to always get the recognition and the rewards...or the person you know, of whom you’d have to admit you are jealous (remember our last verse, don’t lie to yourself!), and who always seems to have it all work out...or that person who’s life just generally seems to be so perfect and put-together...whoever THAT person is for you, that pulls out your jealousy, of whom you are envious in one way or another...that person who you view in competitive light in that way, who isn’t someone you’d call your enemy but who really kind of ends up being that in your mind...that’s who we are talking about.  And, all of the sudden, he or she fails...she falls on her face and things are perfect anymore, and in your immediate reaction when you find out, you have a little moment of relief, or of celebration, a little ‘yesssss’ moment...I think that’s what the author is talking about.  and if that’s in you (and we all have that in us to varying degrees), that is proof that I have work to do on myself; on my heart.  We are called to love others, and love for another can’t exist in the heart that celebrates when someone fails...it just isn’t possible.  We have to be on high alert when we see this in ourselves, and we have to be brave enough to call ourselves out, confess that, then change.  I think the author is confronting the sin of jealousy here, and this is just a vicious sin that hides in our hearts and is easy to miss.  I think this ties into verse 12 as well, because this is one of the easiest sins to which we can cling and be unaware, that we can fail to see in the mirror.

Great verses this morning!

Text is here: http://www.stevecanderson.com/journal-entries…