nope, she doesn't fit here. & she can't fit here. there is no way she will ever belong. so i would spend a good majority of time stuck in the line of who i was truly called to be. i think it was just an ever internal struggle with wanting to fit in and do right and truthfully be happy. i would call myself to silence the sadness to only be in the happiness so much so that i would forever be stuck unhappy and untrue only showing up as part of me. only the good part. which is untrue.

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oh, how i just wish this was like a movie. i wish that you just dreamt a dream and then everything fell perfectly into place right away. & somethings do & somethings don't but that does not mean you can stop. as a perpetual starter and stopper of many things i wanted to stop because this rejection season has gone on long enough. but i cannot and will not. i will forever right this story as long as it takes to live my dream out loud. welcome! 

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this is a struggle point for me. in an attempt to be happy because that is where i always felt best i would just pass by thing after thing after thing in order to pass the pain. i don't live in the real world. i do not like pain. i do not like bad endings. i do not like acknowledging that things are bad. i like things to be great all the time. i like there to be beauty. and because that is who i am i struggle to not just rush past everything to get to "happiness."

this episode jumps around a lot. i think it is me trying to process some thoughts i had over the weekend. honestly, i feel like i am taking time to think through the bad (which is near impossible as an enneagram seven. i struggle i make myself feel bad things. like i can't even watch movies twice without fast-forwarding through the struggle. anyways it is a challenge but i have been challenging myself to feel it. to see it. & to recover from all of that hurt. once you call it out it hurts less. check out more the death of a dream at www.nussinc.com

...because you matter. it is easy to just fall in line right? like willingly just do as others are doing and stop taking into account if you even care about those things. or if it matters at all to you. but here is the deal as soon as you stop taking the "normal" things that matter to others off the table it frees up room for you to be you. to find space. to take up space in places you actually want to take. check out more the death of a dream at www.nussinc.com

i actually interviewed for a job and said i lacked compassion that was my weakness. but it wasn't i had been convinced that removing emotion was vital in order to survive. in order to matter. in order to be successful you can't feel like i felt. you must be numb. check out more at www.nussinc.com

yesterday i realized that i hadn't had this reoccurring nightmare in a long time. and when i started to think about this nightmare and what it was i realized it was my soul. my soul trying to save me. my soul calling out and trying to scare me out of my own blindness. i would go on to ignore this and think nothing of it. i had this nightmare for 10 years straight and about a year ago i was having it almost weekly for about four months straight. and i thought nothing of it...

to all my middle-class friends i get you. we have been worked into a system that is hard to escape. and the reason well honestly it isn't bad why would you need to leave. WE. ARE. FINE. said over and over until we die. it is fine. it is good in fact. this is just who we are supposed to be. just get a little better every generation. no one escapes...we are perfectly set up to do great things and yet never really needing to leave or do better puts us in this unique manifestation of average and undone. dreams are easily shelved here in exchange for a common path. it is easier to fall in line than to stand up, seem ungrateful and call for more despite your best attempts to fit in. check out more the death of a dream at www.nussinc.com 

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to all my middle-class friends i get you. we have been worked into a system that is hard to escape. and the reason well honestly it isn't bad why would you need to leave. WE. ARE. FINE. said over and over until we die. it is fine. it is good in fact. this is just who we are supposed to be. just get a little better every generation. no one escapes...we are perfectly set up to do great things and yet never really needing to leave or do better puts us in this unique manifestation of average and undone. dreams are easily shelved here in exchange for a common path. it is easier to fall in line than to stand up, seem ungrateful and call for more despite your best attempts to fit in. check out more the death of a dream at www.nussinc.com

i know how criptic. but seriously this weekend i read something that struck deep in my soul. it can never be unread. i will forever carry it in my memory and i can never be the same. dreams will never mislead you. fear will every time. so what are you leading with. check out more at www.nussinc.com