The Department of Variance of Somewhere, Ohio podcast

December 06, 2023 S02E01: The Best Way Out is Through

Jasmine Control, a new hire at a shady governmental agency called The Department of Variance, went through an extended supernatural orientation that ended with her manager, Yellow Access, trying to meld the minds of every worker in the office. To save her friend Scarlet Jaunt from death at the hands of her new boss, Jasmine used her newly discovered psychic abilities to jump into the past, to a point where Scarlet was alive. She miscalculated, and now she’s stuck in Scarlet’s memories from 10 years ago.

This season picks up with Jasmine, Scarlet, Violet, and Daryll visiting the woods to see a lunar eclipse after their senior year of high school, ten years prior to the events of season one. But something else is lurking in the woods with them. Something…midwestern. The friends will have to figure out what’s going on and put a stop to it if they ever want to escape, and if Jasmine ever wants to return to her normal life.

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CREDITS:

Cast of episode 1: Cody Heath, Jesse Syratt, Em Carlson, Tatiana Gefter, Dexter Howard, Lena Garcia.

Art by NerdVolKurisu

Written, scored, edited, and narrated by Rat Grimes.

Transcripts available in episode notes at somewhereohio.com

(CWs: alcohol, food, smoking, derealization)

___

TRANSCRIPT:

ORANGE: It’s just as Green said: the stairway to heaven is always moving. I figured I was on the first step when I heard the cat in the diner.

I was heading to a little city in Michigan. I know, I know; “Orange Splice? In the field? Shouldn’t you be behind a desk at the Commission signing off on quarterlies?” But on some cases I can’t help myself. I can tell you that Red’s disciplinary report’s gonna have a lot of Orange in it. So this little city in Michigan, an industrial husk of a place. Full of slick palms and the poor souls wriggling between their fingers. I packed my bag and blew the joint. I slept in my rumbling hatchback on the way, and I ate and bathed as the great American trucker does.

As I crested the overpass bend on the final leg of the drive, I saw a city blooming with rot. Squat brick piles wheezing into the streets, oily sunlight, cars bleeding rust into the earth. Plumes of gray hovered over the place, like cotton soaked with kerosene. One little spark and the whole thing could blow. Maybe we’d all be better off if it did. Maybe we’re better off forgetting places like this. Scooping out what little’s worth saving and dumping the rest. Writing them off as a loss–another failure in the long lineage of midwestern decline. Or maybe it’s not that simple. I wasn’t going to Deerland to set it ablaze, after all. I was being led there for something else.

And so I rode up through the boiling roadkill highways of vulture county, past towns so small you could hear every single prayer on a quiet night. By antique malls decked with the heraldry of genocide. Under billboards letting you know you’re fucked before you even get there: Hell is real, and it’s about 25 miles that way.

I was going up there to find Olivia, now designated Jasmine Control by the Department. First saw her face on a milk carton, and I didn’t even know they still did that. Maybe they don’t. I slid downstairs that morning in a haze, a little box of strawberry milk I’d bought from the grocer in my hand. The milk itself didn’t last long. I turned the empty carton over in my hand, then unfolded and tore open the bottom. I held it up to my ear and listened for the ocean.

*sounds as room ambience becomes waves and various sounds*

ORANGE: I heard through and beyond the carton, through my wall and the early pink light outside, through misty pines and hundreds of miles of the big flat nothing. Through and before my life, and after too, and into a hip spot in Deerland, a coffeeshop on the corner that used to be three apartments. The tip jar on the counter was a glass milk jug filled with quarters and crumpled singles. And taped to the side was a photo and one word: MISSING—Olivia…Olivia. I exited the highway on the right, tires sizzling down the griddlehot blacktop of the narrow streets of Deerland, Michigan.

I’d need somewhere to stay in this weather. Cruised a while and found a place overlooking a decaying mall: Hotel 7. One better than Motel 6, the owner assured me through a pushbroom mustache. One worse than Super 8, I thought. Next I needed food. I was wading through thick waves of exhaustion by then, rolling slowly but surely onward, bowled over by the blindfolds and needles of fate. On the way to my room, I stepped into a corridor dripping with window unit condensation and lined with posters.

MISSING. A face repeated in nine squares. I shook my head and stared deep into the paper.

GIRL MISSING. I got caught on the origin of the word, germanic, maybe dutch. Gone, disappeared, vanished, typically without a trace. To be absent. In absentia. Guilt without a face, death without a body. Holes in the ground, gaps in memory.

The girl on the flyer opened her mouth and said something I couldn’t hear. Her breath caught in the humid air, suspended green in the neon glow overhead. I fumbled with my lighter in my pocket. I flicked it on and patted my coat pockets. No pack. I hadn’t had a smoke in two years. That’d change soon. High above, rising over the fire escape and ascending into the sick bruised sky, I saw two glowing spheres. The kid’s breath vanished and so did I. Once again back at my kitchen table, soggy milk carton in my hand.

If you were in my place, Green, what would you have done with your life? If you saw what was coming. Dive headfirst or take a dive? Deerland or Des Moines? After that first vision, I made the choice quicker than I’d like to admit. I dove, deep and breathless, into the variant night. Wait, let me back up. I’ll tell you how it happened chronologically–ontologically–not how my brain stitched it together. See, in my head I had already been to Deerland via milky astral lanes, already tried the coffee and divined the lines in the sidewalks. I was three days ahead of myself. Psychic lag. Pages colored

in without lines. I would be there in three days’ time. I would seek out Olivia, this missing girl, and a creeping feeling told me there’d be more to it than that. More Departmental business, which meant more paperwork. Figured I might as well get packing, I was in for a long night.

***

NARRATOR 1 (italics until Nyarrator/Narrator 2 shows up in ep 8 are Narrator 1, played by Rat): Jasmine looked around the jeep, trying to center herself. She was lightheaded, dizzy. She couldn’t tell if it was a side effect of the binding agonist or if this situation was just too much for her mind to handle. Psionic nausea.

OLIVIA: Is this how Green felt all the time?

It was not.

ASH: Look, Jasmine, you don’t know me, but I’m going to help you however I can from the wire. I used to work for the Department, as well. Assigned name Ash Chorus, stationed with the Dead Letter Office, then the…the division of Fictobiology. I’ve been sort of…telling your story for you, as strange as that sounds. I may have gotten a few things wrong, but I think I captured the heart of it. And I will continue to do so. I only ask one thing of you, and recommend another: do not mention me to anyone, and do not tell the others what you’ve done.

ALEX: Dude, who are you talking to?

OLIVIA: Oh, it’s just my mom making sure we got here okay. You know how she is.

ALEX: I guess. We met a couple times, right? Whatever, we’re almost at the clearing. This is gonna be epic.

OLIVIA: Yeah, uhh “epic.” Hold on. *quieter, on phone with Ash* What the hell is going on? How do I get back to my time?

ASH: I…I’m uncertain. What I do know is this: you’re in a memory, not in the past. For the time being, dispense with any theorizing and stick to what we know for sure: you, Jasmine, are in a memory from a little over 10 years ago, and that goo you drank that let you do this has worn off. Now you can’t get out—a jaunt gone wrong—and you’re just going to have to live through this memory, however long it lasts.

OLIVIA: I guess that’s why it was Scarlet’s last resort when I was being chased. But still, she was dying, I had to do something!

ASH: I know, I know. Keep your phone with you, and hold it to your ear if you need to talk to me. I’ll help however I can in my limited capacity. Now hang up, you’ve been on the line too long and Scarlet’s getting suspicious.

OLIVIA: Okay, okay. *click, then quietly:* How did they know all that?

The simplest explanation was that Ash Chorus was not real. They were as much a phantasm as this place, this metastatic memory structure. Like the larks, the butterflies, bigfoot.

OLIVIA: They’re…you’re fictobiological. Sterling would have a heart attack. Wait, so you’re like a cryptid or something? Can you tell me if Nessie’s real?

In a sense, Olivia was right. But now was not the time to speak with the air. Her compatriots were growing concerned.

OLIVIA: Fine, I’ll stop talking to the first fictional person I’ve ever heard. Normal world.

Olivia recalled the advice of her father: the best way out is through. All she needed to do was live through this moment. This wasn’t the past, and she had no way of altering what happened here. The only thing that could change was her mind.

NADIA: Is she good? She’s muttering and looks like she’s gonna hurl.

OLIVIA: Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Do you have anything to drink?

DARYLL: Ch’yeah, dig this.

Daryll took one hand off the jeep’s wheel and leaned forward, reaching into a bag at Violet’s–Nadia’s–feet. He rifled around and pulled out a familiar blue and white can. He tossed one blindly into the back, and Jasmine fumbled the catch. Scarlet–Alex–snagged the can and cracked it open, taking a long sip before handing it to Jasmine and wiping the foam from her mouth.

ALEX: Hope you like the bitter stuff.

It was not the bitter stuff, it was gas station party fodder.

OLIVIA: Ugh. I was thinking more like, water? Or Gatorade? *pause* Hey, wait. You’re eightee—I mean we’re 18! And we’re in a car. With open containers. This is…this is bad.

ALEX: Calm yourself, Liv, it’s fiiine. We’re basically in college now. Have you seriously never had *emphasized “A”* A beer?

OLIVIA: I mean, I have, I like wine more, but—

ALEX: Man, you’re like 30 years old. Just let loose and enjoy the night. What, are you gonna tell my mom I brought some weed, too? Jesus.

DARYLL: You are kinda harshing the mood here, Oli.

OLIVIA: Whatever, but if we’re going to do nicknames, can you not call me “Oli”?

NADIA: Yeah, like who even is Oli? How about Livia? Via?

DARYLL: “Vita means life”

*Alex laughs*

OLIVIA: How about this: we’re going out in the woods, we’re drinking illegally and, I assume, trespassing. So what if we had, like, codenames?

ALEX: You remind me a lot of my cousin, Liv. He’s five. *to the others* I don’t know why we brought her, she just sometimes—

OLIVIA, ignoring Scar: I’ll be…hmmm…my shirt’s yellow, so I’ll be Jasmine.

DARYLL: Aladdin, sick.

OLIVIA: You can be Violet, Nadia, because you love purple and black.

NADIA: I do.

OLIVIA: And Scarlet for Alex, because. Hair.

ALEX: Rude, fuck off. I dyed it for a reason, asshole.

DARYLL, holding back a laugh: Nah, dude, it’s pure gold.

OLIVIA: And you, uhhh…

DARYLL: Fuckface.

NADIA: Ew

ALEX: Fuckface Killer.

OLIVIA: I was thinking something like—

DARYLL: Vegeta!

NADIA: No.

ALEX: Nope.

OLIVIA: What?

DARYLL: You could just like…call me Daryll.

OLIVIA: Ugh. Nevermind. I just thought it would be easier…forget it.

The jeep’s tires crunched and spun gravel as the four sped down unpaved roads through the trees. Hung overhead were dark boughs, holding the high heat of the night in their leaves. A ranger station hoved into view not far ahead. A small pickup rumbled in the driveway, its headlights illuminating the forest beyond the trail.

DARYLL: Shit, shit, dump the open cans.

Daryll threw the remaining beers into the backseat. Alex nestled the cans at her feet and covered them with a blanket. She fished in her pocket for the worst joint ever rolled and stuffed it in her sock.

RANGER: How are you folks doing tonight?

Daryll squinted against the light beaming at his face.

DARYLL: Uhh, do you need my license?

RANGER: No, I’m not a police officer. I’m just here to make sure you guys stay safe.

DARYLL: Oh, yeah. Dumb. Sorry, sorry sir.

RANGER: You wouldn’t have any fireworks in there, would you? No sparklers or firecrackers? We been having trouble with some rowdy teens lately, almost started a forest fire last week. Wouldn’t be you, would it?

DARYLL: No, no. Not in here! We’re not really firework people, you know?

RANGER: And of course you wouldn’t have any illicit substances, now would you?

The ranger lifted her flashlight and shone it through the back windows. Alex winced and sat upright, Olivia put on a smile and waved. Nadia’s eyes didn’t leave her iphone. The ranger looked vaguely familiar to Olivia, but she couldn’t place why. The ranger pressed her hand against her forehead and inhaled sharply.

DARYLL: Y-you okay?

RANGER: Ope, sorry, just a headache. Think we got a storm coming on, with the humidity and all. Messing with my sinuses. All the pollen doesn’t help any.

*pause*

RANGER: I see you folks have a telescope. You all out here for the eclipse?

DARYLL: Yeah we’re looking for a place to set up the scope.

RANGER: Gotcha. Well, the public gathering is back that way down the trail. You passed the parking lot about a mile back. Bout half mile ahead, the trail’s off-limits after hours. Road’s closed. So you folks ought to head back thataway.

DARYLL: Oh, okay, sweet, thank you. We’ll do that.

RANGER: Enjoy the eclipse, then. And watch out for rain.

DARYLL: Oh, we will for sure! I hate getting wet, so…

RANGER, puzzled: Huh. All righty then.

*ranger leaves*

ALEX: That was hella close.

DARYLL: Dude I sweat through my shirt.

OLIVIA: We should probably drive back to the parking lot, then, right?

DARYLL: No way, dude, we just had a clean getaway. We’ll just have to find a place to ditch the Jeep.

*jeep shuts off*

DARYLL: Guess it’ll be on foot from here.

***

*chain shakes*

OLIVIA: Says “no entry.”

DARYLL: Olivia, try to keep up. That’s why we’re going there. Gonna be no one else around.

ALEX: Don’t be a narc, Liv.

*sounds of footsteps, crunching gravel*

ALEX: Oh, hey, this is the spot?

NADIA: Gonna be kinda hard to see the eclipse from here, but whatever.

DARYLL: Nah, it’s up ahead still. Down the trail and across the stream. Then we’ll be at the clearing.

ALEX: Cool, come on Nadia. Want to like…walk together or whatever?

Nadia had slipped on a pair of clunky headphones, nodding her head to some distorted guitars and guttural screams. A band of red spread across Alex’s nose and cheeks.

ALEX: Chhh, whatever, dude. Come on Liv, let’s go.

***

*blanket flaps, grassy footsteps:

ALEX: You guys want a slim jim? Sour patch kids?

DARYLL: Slim jim anybody? I got slim jims here! 2 for 5 or 3 for 5 or 4 for 5!

OLIVIA: So this is just outside of…where again?

DARYLL: The DL, duh? I guess you don’t live in town, so. We’re like 20 minutes out from your place, 30 minutes from Ohio. It’s pure Michigan, baby.

ALEX: I’m actually kind of…excited for this?

NADIA: Probably the beer talking.

ALEX: I had one sip before we had to toss ‘em.

NADIA: I mean, it’s cool and all. I’m mostly here for the hangs, though.

OLIVIA: The weather’s perfect for it. Clear sky, hot summer night. Where’d you get the telescope? I assume it’s not yours, Alex.

ALEX: Dude, it’s your telescope. Are you sure we don’t need to take you to urgent care or something?

Right, her dad bought it for her sixteenth birthday. Had her initials on the case.

OLIVIA: O.H.M…

He set up a spot in the backyard for stargazing. She remembered the tall grass tickling her ankles, cicadas winding down their song in the cherry blossoms, condensation rolling down the side of a glass. The stray cat rubbing against her leg. She remembered the drawings of the constellations in her book.

OLIVIA: Cygnus, Aquila, Heracles…

She had snapped one of the tripod’s legs when he left. He stopped by and taped it back together while she was at school.

OLIVIA: Oh, yeah, didn’t recognize it for…some reason.

Nadia sat down first, reclining on her elbows and looking up through the sparse branches overhead. Olivia sat across from her on another blanket, and Daryll leaned against a wide trunk with a cold drink in hand.

DARYLL: Which one is that?

OLIVIA: The constellation? I think…the teapot? It might be part of Sagittarius.

NADIA: It is.

DARYLL: Oh, is it?? How would you even know?

NADIA: Googled it, duhh.

Alex looked over the three of them, equations spinning around in her head as she tried to calculate whether it would be too obvious to sit next to Nadia. She would’ve liked to, but then Liv and Daryll would be like ‘hey, why didn’t you take the empty blanket, you nerd?’ and then maybe Nadia would be weirded out. But if she sat on the empty blanket, then Daryll would have to choose one person to share a blanket with, and what if he sat with her? And—

OLIVIA, quietly: Stop overthinking and go sit with Nadia.

ALEX: Oh, haHA, yeah, totally. Sorry, I was just thinking about…basketball. *quietly, to herself* Basketball? That’s the kind of game I’ve got??

Alex took her spot next to Nadia. She could hear Nadia’s music bleeding through the foam pads of her headphones. She was sweating. But that was fine, right? It’s hot out, people sweat. And it’s not like she was sitting that close to Nadia. Oh god, was she sitting weirdly far away? Like she was trying to avoid Nadia? Alex took a deep breath and scooted a little closer. Nadia paid no attention to this or to much of anything that Alex was doing. She was locked in to the music. The crickets were humming in the tall grass nearby, spiders dangled and spun in the branches, tadpoles darted down a trickling stream. All was quiet, for a moment.

OLIVIA: Wonder if it’s about to happen.

ALEX: It’s uber dark out here.

DARYLL: Yeah dude, moon’s about to be gone-zo.

ALEX: It’s time already?

DARYLL: Dude, this space shit owns. I can see the craters through this thing.

OLIVIA: Ooh, let me see!

ALEX: Whoa, you can see from here. There’s just a little sliver.

NADIA: Kinda makes me feel sick. Like knowing it’s really out there, and we’re here, small and alone.

DARYLL: Aaaand it’s gone.

Complete darkness enveloped the group. The humid air clung heavy as wet gowns around them. The moon had vanished behind the shadow of the planet, and even the insects, birds, and Nadia’s headphones hushed their songs in reverent silence.

OLIVIA: Gosh, I forget how dark it can get out in the country.

ALEX: You basically live in a farmhouse, dude. You’re in “the country” all the time.

OLIVIA: It’s just…I’m in my room a lot I guess. Don’t get out to see the stars much.

ALEX: I see the taco bell drive through more often than stars.

DARYLL: Fuuuuck, now I’m hungry.

The gloom that surrounded them did not relent, even long past when the shadow should have given way back to the gentle glow of reflected light.

OLIVIA: It should be back by now.

ALEX: Give it a sec.

OLIVIA: And where are the constellations?

NADIA: The sky’s like a black curtain.

ALEX: Probably clouds.

OLIVIA: No, it was clear when we got here.

DARYLL: You think the moon’s broken? Hey, try taking it out, blowing in it, and putting it back in again.

Olivia could feel her pulse hammering in her throat. It was hot before, but the air was growing hotter, and the cool breeze that rustled the nettles and ivies was still. She was slick with perspiration, and the moisture in the air had her struggling for breath. Her eyes darted in every direction, looking for some landmark or image to anchor herself, but found nothing. In the total blackout, they could be anywhere: a basement, the bottom of the ocean. Or they could be nowhere, the great void between blasted stellar remains and dead planets.

NADIA: It is weird, right?

ALEX: Hey, uh, Olivia, check that telescope. Do you know what’s going on? You’re the space nerd, right?

OLIVIA: There’s nothing there.

NADIA: What do you mean, “nothing there?”

ALEX: Well, it’s there we just can’t see it, right?

*silence*

ALEX: …right?

It must be coming, the thing that Scarlet and Violet—Alex and Nadia—saw all those years ago.

OLIVIA: No, it can’t be.

Olivia knew, but they didn’t know, couldn’t know, that this would change them.

NADIA: Oh, hey, there it is.

ALEX: Finally! Hey, wait. What’s…why is there…