“The next time we meet, we are going to change your life forever.”

That was what I had said to Brian the last time I’d met with him, and here he was again, sitting on my couch. Normally, I don’t think much about just what the heck I say to anyone, but since I’d been on a sabbatical, Brian was the only client I’d seen. So Brian kept getting stuck in my head like that alien worm in that “Star Trek: Khan” movie.

Now, when Brian had told me that he was unhappy even though his life was happy, I had assured him there was another life he needed to have. I told him he was probably like Bruce Willis in Unbreakable, and any day now he would discover who he really was and start saving some children while avoiding swimming pools.

The problem is, no matter if all that was true, none of that seemed to be sitting right with Brian, or sounded right to me when the words came past my mustache. Normally, pretty much every word that travels out of my mouth sounds dead-on, and it was irritating me that solving Brian’s life had me so pickled.

“Brian,” I said, “I give up.”

Brian looked a bit confused. “You give up?”

“Yep. You see, Brian, everything I’ve said to you should have been the right thing. Most clients come in here, and I just say the first thing that comes off the top of my head, and then kablam, problem solved. It’s either that they need to stop being an idiot, or they need to stop acting like an idiot, or they need to stop thinking that they’re an idiot.”

“Okay,” said Brian. “And what about me?”

“It’s obvious I don’t have a plum clue about you, Brian. And I always thought I had an answer for everything. I gotta tell ya, you’ve really ruined my life.”

“I’m… sorry?” Brian stuttered.

I waved his comment away. “I wouldn’t be sorry. Sometimes life needs some ruining. And then what you do is you let that life go and you make a new one. It may look almost identical to the old one, but the difference is that you know something different about that life. So how you treat it is going to be a heck of a lot different than before. I used to think that what defined me, Dr. Matt, was that there wasn’t anything I couldn’t solve. But maybe what really defines me is that there isn’t anything I’m afraid to face. Also, my mustache.”

“But what about me?” said Brian. “I still don’t know what to do about my life.”

“I haven’t the faintest, Brian. I’m sure it’s simple, but for the life of me, I can’t figure out what it is. And for whatever reason, that seems perfectly alright by me.”

Shortly after, Brian left my office. He tried to start a debate about paying for the session, but I’m not running a charity here.

I went downstairs and found Midgie, who had just finished making some of that tasty strawberry lemonade, and handed me a glass like she’d been waiting for me.

“How did it go?” she asked me.

“You know, Midgie, it went pretty well,” I said. “In fact, I think I might get back to work, and give the world a lot more of me. Regardless of what the world thinks it wants, it’s really the best for me. I’m glad I did this sabbatical. I learned something about me, and I did it without anyone else’s help. I learned that I’m not afraid to face anything.”

Midgie put down her glass and smiled.

“I’m pregnant.”

Brian sat in my office for about 10 minutes while I thought about what to say to him. You see, I had decided to fix Brian. And, so far, Brian was not an easy person to fix.

When Brian came into my office over two months ago, it seemed like he had a fairly simple problem. Everything in his life seemed to be going exactly right, yet he wasn’t feeling happy. This was perplexing, for sure, because whenever things are going right for me, I’m completely happy. For instance, I’ve been on a sabbatical, which is a fancy word meaning “taking a break from doing the divine work of making everyone’s life better”. I haven’t been taking on any clients (except for Brian), and I haven’t been as much in the public eye. Taking a sabbatical was right for me, and it’s kept me perfectly happy.

So, it didn’t make sense that Brian would be doing things that seemed like the right ones, but wouldn’t be feeling so great about it. Of course, this got me thinking, which is why I’d been sitting there for a good 10 minutes while Brian fidgeted on the couch. If doing the right things makes you happy, and Brian wasn’t happy, then–

“Brian,” I said, “I think I know what the issue is.”

“Yes?” he asked.

“Brian, have you ever seen Unbreakable, with Bruce Willis?”

Brian frowned. “No, I don’t think I have.”

“Well, let me break it down for you. Bruce Willis is like Superman or someone like that, and has the ability to see ghosts and read peoples minds by touching them, sort of like Captain Picard on X-Men, and anyway, the thing is, he doesn’t really know he has superpowers. He just thinks he’s some average cop who just happens to always be at the wrong place at the wrong time. But because he’s always subconsciously denied his superpowers, it makes his life miserable. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with his life, it’s just not the life that he’s supposed to have. It’s not a life that really reflects who he is, which is a guy who can always defeat the terrorists not just with his superpowers but with his clever witticisms, which always makes those terrorists do the wrong thing. Am I making sense to you, Brian?”

“Um…” Brian seemed a little lost, and I could tell that I’d really given him something to think about. I was glad that Unbreakable had popped into my head. It’s a character I’ve always identified with for some reason. I don’t know if it’s because of Bruce Willis’s good looks or his quiet charm, but slap a mustache on that guy and it could be a movie about my life, if you substitute super-strength with the super-ability-to-fix-people and you substitute a weakness for water with no weaknesses whatsoever.

“Anyway, Brian,” I said, “the point is we need to find what the life is that you’ve denied yourself. Something that you’ve retreated from, or ‘taken a sabbatical’ from, if you prefer to call it that. While there’s nothing wrong with the life you have, it’s not necessarily your life, the life that’s going to make you 100% Brian, up until you find out Samuel L. Jackson is a crazy mass murderer.” (SPOILER ALERT: Don’t read the previous sentence if you haven’t seen Unbreakable and don’t want it ruined.)

“So, what is that life, Dr. Matt?” asked Brian.

“Well, let’s find out,” I said. “There’s no reason to rush things, Brian. After all, we’ve got all the time in the world, and if we fix you too soon it impacts my residual income.” I stood up. “You think about it in the meantime, and the next time we meet, we’re going to change your life forever.”

I let Brian go and re-scheduled our next session. Then I went to watch some Bruce Willis movies, because it’s something you can do as much as you want on your sabbatical. I tell you, this is the life.

Just My Thoughts,

Folks, I’ve been taking a sabbatical for the first part of this year, which, as you know, is a traditional practice for someone like me who normally does the holy work of bestowing sacred teachings to the masses. Such work can take a lot out of you, as there are a lot of masses, so I decided to take it easy for a while and sabbatical it up big time.

The nice thing about a sabbatical is that you can work if you want to; you just give yourself an excuse not to for most of the time. In other words, it’s like attending a university, only for professional people and not lazy hippies.

Anyway, I decided to open my office to clients for a short time last month, and I had a new fellow walk in by the name of Brian.

Brian had stress written all over him. He looked done in enough that if you gave him a gentle shove, he would topple over. To test that theory, I gave said shove and he immediately fell over backwards onto my couch.

“What did you do that for?” Brian asked me.

“Please don’t question my methods, Brian, I’m a professional,” I said. Brian looked me up and down as if he’d never seen a man in flip-flops, a Hawaiian shirt and sun hat, which, as you know, is the traditional sabbatical uniform.

Rather than get into Brian’s obvious visible judgment of my appearance, I decided to talk to him about his other issues, or at least the one that brought him in there.

“The question you should be asking instead, Brian,” I said, “is just what the heck has got you so worn down.”

“I don’t know,” said Brian. “Everything seems to be going right. That’s what’s so weird about why I feel this way.”

“Start with what’s right, then,” I said, reaching for a glass of strawberry lemonade that Midgie had made earlier. Today’s lemonade was extra good, which I usually took to mean she was buttering me up for something. However, I’m not a man who resists being buttered, no matter the reason.

“Well,” said Brian, “my life is actually pretty good. I have a great family, and I have a great job. It pays well and it’s a decent schedule. My house is beautiful, and I even have the dog that I always wanted. I don’t understand what else I could put in that mix to make it more great, but… something doesn’t seem quite right.”

“Well you don’t look right,” I said. “Have you ever thought about going on a sabbatical?” I thought for a second, then waved my hand. “Don’t answer that, that might be something you have to earn,” I continued. “Tell me what doesn’t seem right.”

“I don’t know,” said Brian, “but I’ve felt tired and uneasy. Every time I get promoted in my job, I get more and more anxious, even though I know I can do it, and I like the work.”

“Brian, if all we had to do in order to be happy is run through a checklist of publicly-accepted happiness-generating activities, you’d be happy as a clam that is happy from his happy clam checklist.”

“The thing is,” I continued, “none of those things on your checklist have to do with who you are, which is what a happy life is all about. And by the look on your face, you don’t know what the heck I’m talking about, which is where the problem is. Someone gave you a formula for happiness that is just plum stupid, which is how you can be unhappy even in the happiest of circumstances.”

Brian, like many others who had sat exactly where he was sitting, just looked at me with an expression of pure confusion.

“Look at it this way, Brian,” I said, “you yourself have found a logical flaw in a belief system you have. You have no ‘reason’ to be unhappy, and yet you are. As a result, you’ve concluded that what’s wrong must be you, instead of the premise of that belief.”

I let that sink in as I emptied my lemonade. Getting treats from Midgie was one of the unexpected bonuses of going on a sabbatical, and some treats were extra special, such as activities where we invited our friend Kate. Just the same, I was getting restless on this sabbatical, and I figured I should probably get back to a full work schedule again. But for some reason, the thought of doing exactly what I was doing before wasn’t that motivating. I couldn’t imagine any pinnacle greater than the kind of work I do, so this was a bit confusing, but that’s what sabbaticals are for: to wait around and not think about stuff until you get bored enough to go back to what you were doing before.

Brian shook his head. “Dr. Matt, I couldn’t think about anything to change, really. What would I even do differently in my life?”

“That’s not the problem,” I said. “The problem is that humans evolve. Some humans evolve quicker than others, and some humans do everything in their power to evolve as slowly as possible. But, for you, you’ve come to a point where resisting your evolution is consuming all of your energy. It’s not about what you do differently, Brian. As I said, this is about who you are. This is about being something different. What you do as a result is irrelevant.”

I could see that this got Brian’s wheels spinning. “But… what would that be? What does that even mean?” he asked me.

I rubbed my mustache. “I’ll tell you what, Brian. I’ll take you on as a client, and we’ll figure it out.” I figured it was easier to tell Brian that than to tell him I hadn’t the foggiest how to answer that question. Sometimes, when you don’t know something, stalling for as long as possible is the best strategy.

I ended our session and scheduled another one with Brian for a month later. I figured I might as well get back to work. Of course, in the meantime, I headed to the kitchen for more of that tasty lemonade. Midgie always picked up fruits from the cart that a local guy, Gustav Streiff, set up by the farmer’s market. I’m glad she had such an aptitude for making such delicious fruit drinks and smoothies, because I never seem to know the first thing to do when Streiff hands me lemons.

Just My Thoughts,

Folks, I don’t put much stock in all that hogwash about 2012 being some sort of Apocalyptic year. But, I’m also an advocate of being prepared. So, just in case the world ends in 2012, here are 10 things you should probably do as soon as possible.

Look, I don’t care if it’s robots or zombies that might take over, the bottom line is that idiots are the first to die either way. So, it’s time to start becoming aware of your surroundings and getting a sense of what’s coming around the corner. Because it may be planning to eat / enslave / re-program you.

Who knows when you may need a good run? And if it’s not to save your life, it’s still good to keep the blood flowing, unless a zombie / robot caused it.

You never know when you might have a sudden 48 hours without sleep because of some chaotic event that may or may not involved John Cusack. (If that happens, count yourself lucky. It could have been an event involving Joan Cusack.) So, you’ll want keep yourself well-rested, just in case.

Folks, if there’s anything that Jeff Goldblum and Keanu Reeves have taught us, it’s that the only way to master technology is to see what makes it tick. So the best tool to disable a robot threat is to be able to create a computer virus on the spur of the moment.

Or, similarly, you may need to subdue an unruly mob using nothing but the power of your fists. So start brushing up now.

For zombies, learning knife throwing will probably do the trick.

It’s all good and fine to learn something, but it’s something else entirely to practice it to a point of mastery. So learn a little thing called discipline and practice those new skills plus the skills you’ve learned before, but are a little rusty on, such as how to use a chainsaw.

Look, if you think that tax revenue agencies will go away just because the world ends, then you’ve got more learnin’ to do. Global chaos and mass hysteria will not stop a tax agency from calling you and threatening to garnish your wages if you do not file on time.

No matter what happens, you’re going to want company. There’s a number of pet adoption agencies around, and they often have more pets than people who walk in to adopt. And since pets are susceptible to different contagions than humans, then the pet-to-person ratio may only increase in 2012.

You may not get another chance at this, so don’t be stingy at who you give your affection to, whether it’s your lover, your friends, or your interns.

Remember, there’s always a possible scenario that enables someone like you to be President or Prime Minister or Supreme Ruler of your respective country. If it could be someone like you, then why not let it be you? What you can achieve is unbelievable, even more so in unbelievable times. So write a few acceptance speeches “just in case”.

No reason to stop here. There’s probably a few other things that you could think about doing just in case the world ends. Some people call it a bucket list, but it’s more accurately called a “Things For Me To Do In Case The World Ends” list.  (You may want to get a large piece of paper just to fit that title.) And one of your items should definitely be to create another to-do list. I learned this trick not from Mr. Goldblum or Mr. Reeves but from Leonardo DiCaprio.

Enjoy the coming year! If we’re both still alive by the end of it, then you can thank me at the safe zone in New New York.

Just My Thoughts,

This week, a video made its way around the Internet of a Texas judge hitting his 16-year-old with a belt. While the video is difficult to watch for some, I feel like it re-ignites an important and ongoing debate in our culture: whether or not we should publicly flog stupid parents.

Now, this debate has many sides. There are some that say that stupid parents should never be flogged, especially in full view of the public, and at the hands of some kind of town disciplinarian. Others say that the children of those parents who have grown into adulthood have the right to discipline their parents as they please. After all, their parents did something stupid, and the children say that stupid parents need to know the consequences of their actions; otherwise, they may just do the same stupid crap again.

Some people are against publicly flogging their own aged parents for all their ridiculously unthinking actions, but say if another person wants to see their parents publicly flogged, and perhaps dunked in tar and covered in feathers, that’s really their choice, and such choices should remain in the family.

In the case of the Texas judge, this parent made a statement about not regretting his actions, which does lend weight to the public flogging side. As they say in Texas, “Spare the flog and spoil the parent.”

I say, let’s not be too hasty. Sometimes stupid parents can learn their lesson from a good time-out, in which you don’t call them for a while, and begin taking away their nursing home funds. Or, sometimes, having a talk with them about how idiotic and harmful their actions were and what effect it had can teach them some amount of empathy.

It’s hard to make universal rules for this, because each parent is different. The mistake might be to do nothing. Talk with your siblings and friends about the most appropriate and caring way to deal with stupid parents, and then act swiftly. After all, those parents aren’t going to publicly flog themselves anytime soon, and you don’t want them to grow up to be any worse.

Just My Thoughts,

Not long ago, The Hollywood Reporter, which is some kind of online smut magazine, published a story with this headline: “Brad Pitt Uses ‘Moneyball’ Promotional Tour to Criticize Jennifer Aniston“.

About his former marriage to Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt had said this: “I started to get sick of myself sitting on a couch, holding a joint, hiding out. It started feeling pathetic. It became very clear to me that I was intent on trying to find a movie about an interesting life, but I wasn’t living an interesting life myself. I think that my marriage had something to do with it. Trying to pretend the marriage was something that it wasn’t.”

Now, you might be thinking that Brad Pitt might benefit from my book, When It Comes To Relationships, You’ve Been An Idiot, so that he would know how to treat someone who’s been a former relationship partner. While that may be true, the person with the relationship problem isn’t Brad Pitt. The problem is the rest of you.

I don’t know if you noticed, but nowhere in that statement did Mr. Pitt criticize Ms. Aniston. He criticized himself and his approach to his marriage. But that didn’t stop the author of this article, a Kimberly Nordyke, from implying that he had betrayed his former wife.  And it didn’t stop the rest of the Internet from jumping on the bandwagon.  In the comments on the article, some of you called Brad Pitt a jerk and a loser, and insulted his current partner Angelina Jolie as being an overbearing, mentally-unstable seductress who collects babies for fun and/or profit.

Guess what, people. When you get mad about the relationship outcome for people that you don’t personally know, then it doesn’t have anything to do with their relationships. If you hate Angelina for what she did to poor Jen, then it doesn’t mean that Angie is a bad person; it means that you’re too chicken to face how you feel about your own relationship experiences. Instead of dealing with how you feel, you’d rather find a stranger with a pretty face and kick the crap out of them instead. If you think that Brad Pitt speaking honestly about his marriage is too much to handle, again, for the inexplicably delicate Jennifer Aniston, then you’d rather undermine the strength of women then give up your pitiful excuse-making out of your own victimhood.

Internet (and that includes you, Kimberly Nordyke), if you think I’m being hard on you, I guess I just don’t have much patience for your sexist, destructive mouth diarrhea that seeks to destroy a current relationship for no good reason other than your own cowardice. When I said that when it comes to relationships, you’d been an idiot, clearly I wasn’t using strong enough language. Because, when it comes to the relationship between yourself and the family of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, you’ve been an shining example of top-notch douchebaggery.

Now, I wouldn’t say that all of the actions of these famous people have been courteous 100% of the time, but as for Brad Pitt, it hasn’t come without healthy self-examination, which is what his quote speaks to. In fact, he followed up with a public statement in support of his former wife, due to the blatant and intentional misinterpretation by the masses. When was the last time that any of you sent a press release praising the virtues of your ex? My guess is never.

If you don’t like what I’m saying, it’s because this is actual criticism. Hopefully, this way you’ll know what criticism looks like and, in the future, you won’t falsely accuse Brad Pitt of it.  (Kimberly Nordyke.)

But I can understand why you might be upset, and why you might have been upset at Brad Pitt in the first place. I think you’re faced with a dilemma. If Angelina and Brad and Jennifer aren’t actually playing out the roles you’ve handed to them, then you’re left with a handful of roles. It’s just you and those roles that you hold. You’re left with the role of a betrayer, a seductress, a jerk, a loser, a victim, and a crazy person who collects babies.

What you don’t understand is that you have a choice.  Sure, you could continue to try to hurl your craptasms at someone else. See if it takes long enough for them to bounce back to you that you feel some reprieve. Or you could let go of them. Someone might call that “forgiveness”, but I call it: “Stop being a dumbass.”

Folks, it’s time to take responsibility for what roles you want to hold, and time to take responsibility for yourself. Because someday, you might be on the receiving end, where someone throws a role at you, and you can say, “You know what? I think that the fact that you called me an idiot has nothing to do with me.” And you’d be absolutely correct.

Just My Thoughts,

 As I’ve been telling you, you and I are going to change your life.  Hopefully, you’re up to speed on this, because we’ll be a lot more effective in changing your life completely if you know what’s going on.

Last time, we talked about what you deserve.  But once you get the inkling about what you deserve, there’s still a number of things that can stand in the way of getting that pile of deserving. Before you start going around pointing and blaming possible things that stand in your way, the biggest road block is not one you can shake a finger at. That’s right, it’s fear.

Folks, fear is probably the most worthless of all feelings. Sure, it’s valuable when you’re being chased by a saber-tooth tiger who is hell bent on devouring you whole. But, I don’t know if you noticed, but there ain’t many saber-tooth tigers around anymore. The problem is, we have this whole whack of feelings that we evolved as a necessity for survival, but more than likely, we find most of our survival needs easily met. Since there’s no saber-tooth tigers to pin our fear on, we pin it on whether or not there’s enough milk left for our cereal, or the possibility that we’re going to have a bad haircut.

When we want to change something, fear pops up like a pesky groundhog. Instead of flushing out that groundhog immediately, we often sulk and abandon our nice manicured lawn to the fear. Worse yet, our fear can be so powerful that we begin to justify its existence. “Oh, I don’t think a manicured lawn was really for me,” you say, or “Maybe groundhogs are just a sign for me to live in a basement.” In other words, you think that you and the fear have to find common ground.

Let’s shoot that idea right in the face. It’s time to see that fear is out to destroy every ounce of ground you’ve gained, not because it is evil, but because its little walnet-size brain doesn’t know whose ground it’s messing with. If you want to coddle and nurse the fear, that’s fine. You could even help it by going out there with a shovel and digging your own holes.

I know, destroying fear is scary. You look out and see these long, giant mounds of upturned dirt, and it might seem like there’s some kind of giant snake living in the ground you want to gain back. But no, it’s just a stupid little furry thing. Kill it. Kill it until it’s dead.

Or, if you want to be nicer to a little destructive furry thing, then trap it and move it to where it can’t be so pesky. After all, you might come across a bear one day, and you’ll need to defend yourself with your little furry bundle of fear.

What’s that? A groundhog isn’t much good in an encounter with a bear? Oh, well, I guess it’s best to let it go then. After all, if you want to change your life, then carrying around a groundhog in a cage doesn’t really make a lot of sense.

Just My Thoughts,

Folks, it’s time for a change.

I don’t mean for me.  I’m happy as a clam who has been invited to a clam honoring ceremony, in which he or she is about to receive an award for Most Delightful Clam.  I can’t think of other circumstances in which a clam would be happy, so that will have to do.

No, I’m talking about you, of course, to you folks out there who are ready for a change.

You see, I’ve decided to tell you how to change your life: dramatically, completely, and irreversibly.  Sure, I’ve probably mentioned how to do this on other occasions.  In fact, practically everything I’ve written should have done this already, but now I think it’s time to get you a bit more involved.  After all, you may have specific ideas about how you want your life to change.

Chances are, though, that you don’t actually have the specifics.  In fact, I’d bet a pile of lizard tails that you have a hard time accepting that you deserve anything different from what you already got.  So, before we start talking about making a change, I think you and I have to have a sit-down about your deservability.

Folks, most people think that life has to be earned. You think you have to work hard in order to have a life of travel.  You think you need to invest time in some crappy thing in order to get some other good thing.  What you don’t realize is that this idea is a crap sandwich with a side of poo pie.  Plus a coffee.

People give you this idea because they’ve already eaten the same crap sandwich, and they don’t think it’s fair that you shouldn’t have to endure the misery that they have.  In fact, they probably were handed a crap sandwich from day one, only it would have been puréed so as to be digestible by a human baby.

Step one is seeing that the idea that you have to earn your life implies that you have to earn it from all those other sandwich-eaters out there, when they themselves haven’t earned the right to judge who’s earned what.  If no one, then, is a fair judge of what you’ve earned, not your boss nor your family nor your friends, then what you deserve is limitless.

“Deserve is a strong word, Dr. Matt,” you’re probably saying.  You’re thinking to yourself that it sounds rational that you don’t have to earn anything from anyone else, but to deserve it is a whole other crazy idea.

Well, get crazy, folks. Deserving means that you’ve reached a threshold of contribution which should reward you with something.  If you take away the idea that you have to give and give to the people around you, that your contributions are inherently required, in order to have anything for yourself, then all you’re left with is the deserving.

I probably just blew your mind.  Am I suggesting that getting what you want doesn’t take work?  Heck, no.  You can’t end up with 50 gallons of milk without milking a few cows.  All I’m saying is that it’s not up to your friends and family whether or not you deserved the milk.  And certainly not the cow.  If it’s not up to anyone else, well, then I guess it comes down to you, pardner.

So, if you want to make a change, then first you have to come to the fact that your life belongs to you.  I mean, after all, unless you’re some kind of zombie, vampire, or alien, you’re the one living it.  Incidentally, if you are some kind of zombie, vampire, or alien, I’m on to you.

In my next post, you and I are going to start going about making some changes.  That is, you are going to make some changes, and I’m going to tell you how.  Don’t worry, you don’t have to do anything in order for me to help you out.  You already deserve me.  Isn’t that fantastic?

Of course, if you want to work with me one-on-one, that’ll be $300/hour.  I’m not running a charity here.

-Dr. Matt

flickr.com/guccibear2005

Dear Dr. Matt-

Hello, My name is Chris and in our High School Biology class, we are doing a project in which we have to interview a certain scientist and make a PowerPoint about that field. I was picked with Gynecologist and I was wondering if you could help me out and answer a few questions. It would be a great help since their are not many Gynecologist out there that have their emails online. If you can help, here are the following questions:

1. What do you do at your job?

If you could answer these questions, it would be great. My project is due on Wednesday, June 15, so if I could get it by then, it would be great. Thanks!

Dear Chris-

I would be happy to answer these questions which will secure you a top grade for your class.  While I’m not a “gynecologist” in the strictest sense, in the sense of being trained in the field of “gynecology” or any medical profession, I’d like to think that I know my way around a vagina.  There shouldn’t be any topic that Dr. Matt can’t answer, uninformed or not, so let’s tackle your questions.

Mostly, I tell people what to do, and they pay me.  And then I tell other people what I told those people, and then those other people pay me.  I basically get paid multiple times for saying whatever comes to mind.

But, if I were in the role of a gynecologist, then essentially what I would do is look at lady bits, and then I would ask questions to the lady such as, “Does it feel uncomfortable when I poke this bit with a cold pokey thing?” and “Could you tell me which bit of the bits I’m currently looking at?”

I’m not personally a fan of degrees, but I assume most gynecologists have a degree that’s called simply “Gynecology” or perhaps “Advanced Humanities”.

Hmm, other than Biology, I’m not sure what other high school courses are applicable.  I’d say that since a lot of this type of job relies on up-close examination, do most of your research out of class.  Remember, always treat women respectfully, especially if they give you permission to see what’s what, and even more so if they are a relative.

Science is fairly silly, but probably what is going to be most helpful for you in understanding any aspect of women is deduction.  Learn how to gather evidence and draw conclusions.  For instance, if, whenever a female gets close to you, she suddenly turns around and “has homework to finish,” then you can deduce that something is clearly turning down her interest.  You can test out different hypotheses such as “more frequent showering will interest the females”.

First, I wake up next to my beautiful lover, a woman named Midgie.  If the mood is right, then I perform a gynecological exam.  I’ll say it like that because I don’t want to harm your fragile high-school brain.

Next, I make myself some eggs.  Now, I’ve started to eat a bit more vegetables lately, so what I like to do is cut up some mushrooms and throw in some handfuls of spinach. With spinach, you can really throw in more than you think you’re going to need.  It tends to really cook down to almost nothing.  If I’m feeling adventurous, I might put in some broccoli.  Midgie thinks broccoli is a little strange for eggs, but for me, it really hits the spot, especially if I’m going to top it all off with some cheddar cheese and salsa.

Some other things happen throughout my day after that, but I don’t want to talk your ear off.

Chris, trust me, you’re going to get asked this question a lot as you get older.  Thing is, whatever you think you deserve, and therefore offer as a number, is what you tend to get.  People value you, Chris, to the extent that you value yourself.  So, let’s save you a lot of heartache and say that the expected salary range is between 1 and 2 million dollars.

Pros: 2-million dollar salary

As a person who’s become interested in the field of gynecology in the last 15 minutes, I’d have to say that yes, it’s something that I love dearly.  You see, women are precious to me.  I like anyone that can offer a perspective that I may not have, and women have a perspective unlike anything else on this planet.

Here’s something else, Chris.  We tend to anthropomorphise  the world around us, and we do that based on what we know about human bodies.  If a man projects a female persona on something like a boat or a car, then it’s become a stand-in for his relationships with women.  It externalizes his knowledge and allows him to explore his feelings for the opposite sex in a way that feels masculine.  So, the more a man knows about the female form, the more he can explore what he’s learned by interacting with that externalization.

If I lost you on that last bit, don’t worry.  What I’m saying is that fake gynecology has made my relationship with my iPhone, “Shelley”, all the more important.  I never let that phone run out of juice.  In fact, I probably plug in the power cable about 6 times a day, especially just after I wake up in the morning.

Incidentally, Chris, if you know anything about iPhones, then maybe you can tell me how to turn off those damn notification pop-ups.  Seems like some app is always telling me what to do, but then it never tells me where to go to do it.

Thanks for your questions!  With my help, I know you’ll ace this project.

If any of your classmates have questions after you present this, tell ’em to ask Dr. Matt.

-Dr. Matt

Believe me, no one was more surprised than me when Sally Ann Bopkins came to my office this week. You may remember her from my wildly popular snack-sized book, Just Stop Having Problems, Stupid!, a book which is often handed out at the reception desk of many therapists and psych wards.

While I hadn’t seen her in years, I could instantly tell that Sally had changed. She was no longer dangerously overweight, and she didn’t walk around like a hurt puppy, certainly not a morbidly obese one.

I asked her what changed in the five years since I’d seen her. “A lot has changed, Dr. Matt,” she said. “At first I didn’t know what you were talking about with all that stuff about barrels of gunpowder and decks on my ship and Russell Crowe.”

This instantly got me thinking about the fact that I hadn’t seen Russell Crowe in a movie for some time, which worried me, but I temporarily set my concern aside.

“Go on,” I said.

“Well, Dr. Matt, I wouldn’t say I understood what to do overnight.  None of what you said really made any sense,” she said.

“Don’t worry,” I said, “a lot of my clients say that.”

“Oh.  Well, anyway, like I said, I don’t know that I ever figured it out, but the more I was determined to change things, the more things changed without me understanding how.”

“Well that sounds pretty good,” I said.

“But that’s the thing,” said Sally.  “There’s still more I want to change, but I don’t really understand how I got to where I am.  I figure that if I can figure it out, then it won’t take me five years again.”

“Sally, in Texas we have a saying: ‘There’s nothing like sitting back and talking to your cows.'”

“What does that mean?” asked Sally.

“I’m not sure exactly,” I said, “but Pop used to say it a lot.  He said a lot of things that I didn’t understand, but for some reason, having it in my brain seemed to rattle some things free at times.  You talking about what you didn’t understand made me think of it.”

“Well, that’s interesting…” said Sally.

“It sure is,” I said.  “He also used to say, ‘There’s nothing more terrifying than having nothing to be afraid of.’ ”

“Do you think that’s what I’m afraid of?” asked Sally.

“I don’t really have a clue,” I said.  “To tell the truth, I don’t really understand why you’re here.  I mean, obviously, you already stopped having problems, so I’m not sure what else I can accomplish.  But I’m not going to spend a lot of time thinking about it.  I figure if I just let myself talk, then whatever needs to come out of my mouth will come out.  I prefer not to over-use my brain.”

“Hmm, so maybe I’m over-thinking,” said Sally.

I shrugged.

“And maybe,” continued Sally, “I’m afraid because now that I’ve gotten myself this far, I realize that I have a say in how my life turns out.  I guess I used to see myself as a victim of other people’s choices, and now I know that I’m in charge of my life.  But then my brain gets involved and I want to control a perfect outcome.”

“In fact,” she continued, “when everything was crushing down on me in the past, all I could do was feel sorry for myself.  I was sure where I fit into that picture because I could feel it.  And now with nothing to feel sorry for, I don’t feel where I am.”

At this point, I really wondered just what the heck she needed me for, but I added: “All I was pointing out is that you’ve accomplished a great deal.  So, if you want to know where you are, start by acknowledging what got you here.”

“You’re right, Dr. Matt!  I got me here!” Sally squealed excitedly.   “So, if I got me this far, then I can do it again!”

At last, I could see that Sally had more work to do, and where I would be needed.  You see, she wasn’t able to recognize that I was the one who had got her this far, so it was going to take some time before we might make some progress.

Which is good.  After all, if I didn’t people who needed me to tell them what to do, I’m not sure where I’d be.  Sometimes, there’s nothing like sitting back and talking to your clients.

Just My Thoughts,