Welcome back to The Dynamics of Everyday Life! In this episode, I dive deep into the art—and myth—of “perfect listening.” I reflect on my own journey in coaching, challenging the classic belief that being told you're a "good listener" means you actually are one.

There’s no such thing as a perfect listener, because listening is always relational—not technical. Being “good enough” is more authentic and meaningful than striving to check all the boxes. It’s okay to get it wrong sometimes, own it, and show up as your real self.

00:02:12 — I explore listening behaviours, mentioning stereotypes like "the nodder" and "the paraphraser," and how these habits impact conversations.

00:03:18 — I expand on the “saintly listener” stereotype and describes how these behaviours can leave people feeling unseen.

00:04:20 — I shift into the psychodynamic reasons behind wanting to be a perfect listener, such as desire for approval, fear of conflict, and boosting self-esteem.

00:04:55 — I describe how aiming for perfect listening can be self-defensive, and outline common defense mechanisms in listening (e.g., intellectualization, identification with the “good listener” role).

00:06:17 — More defense mechanisms are discussed, including avoidance, reaction formation, denial of countertransference, and pseudo-containment.

00:07:24 — I connect these mechanisms to the emotional impact on relationships and the importance of finding the right balance in listening.

00:08:02 — I touch on the downsides of both under- and over-listening, and the importance of authentic reaction in relationships.

00:08:54 — I caution against becoming a mirror rather than a person in coaching, emphasizing the need for resonance and genuine engagement.

00:09:33 — I reference Winnicott’s concept of “good enough,” applying it to listening, and argue that being authentic is better than aiming for perfection.

00:10:34 — I offer a reflective challenge for listeners to evaluate their own listening habits and motivations.

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Welcome to another episode of The Dynamics of Everyday Life. In today’s episode, I tackle the frustrating world of the “non-apology”—those pseudo-apologies that leave us feeling worse than before, often making us question our own experiences.

Explores classic examples like “I’m sorry you feel that way” and “I’m sorry if anyone was offended,” highlighting how these statements shift blame onto the recipient instead of acknowledging responsibility.

What’s really going on when someone gives a non-apology? I dive into defense mechanisms—rationalisation, denial, projection, and splitting—that drive people to avoid taking true accountability, even at the cost of their relationships.

[00:01:09] Examples of Non-Apologies

Discussion of classic non-apology phrases like "I'm sorry you feel that way" and what makes them frustrating.

[00:01:54] Why Non-Apologies Feel Hollow

Exploring the lack of personal responsibility and the role of defense mechanisms like rationalisation.

[00:02:55] Defense Mechanisms: Rationalisation, Denial & Gaslighting

How these defense mechanisms show up, including rationalisation, denial, and elements of gaslighting.

[00:03:47] Projection and Blame-Shifting

Explanation of projection and how blame is shifted onto others, especially when emotions run high.

[00:04:41] Case Study: Boris Johnson and Partygate

Recap of the pandemic restrictions, Boris Johnson’s response to Partygate, and public reaction.

[00:06:09] Analysis of the Public Apology

I critique Boris Johnson’s response and why it missed the mark on accountability.

[00:07:56] Non-Apologies in Everyday Life

Examples from family, friends, and the workplace. Touching on coaching perspectives and how to invite real repair.

[00:08:50] What Makes a Real Apology

I outline the structure of an effective apology and invites listeners to reflect on their own experiences.

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Where in your life have you encountered or offered a non-apology? What feelings did it bring up, and what might you (or they) have been trying to avoid?

Thanks for tuning in to another episode exploring the everyday dynamics we all encounter.

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In this episode, I dive into the all-too-relatable habit of procrastinating on what’s good for us; by binge-watching Netflix, endlessly scrolling on Instagram, or getting sucked into comfort activities instead of what we know would make us feel better. Inspired by Netflix’s infamous “Are you still watching?” prompt, I explore why we so often avoid the things that are actually nourishing, and what’s really going on beneath the surface when we fall into these patterns.

00:01:17 – I discuss procrastination, using the example of watching Netflix instead of being productive, referencing the old kids' TV show "Why Don't You."

00:02:21 – I explore the comfort found in binge-watching or scrolling, alongside the later regrets about wasted time.

00:03:21 – I rationalise binge-watching as self-care, using my time with my daughter as an example, and considers whether it might have been better spent otherwise.

00:04:16 – I break down psychodynamic concepts at play: avoidance, regression, and displacement, explaining how they relate to binge-watching or procrastinating.

00:06:01 – I mention Freud’s superego, and the feeling of guilt or inner criticism when Netflix’s prompt appears.

00:06:41 – I caveat that sometimes mindless binging is precisely what we need due to overwhelm.

00:07:45 – I invite listeners to note the recurring sibling dynamic in "Love is Blind" and teases a future episode.

00:08:28 – Practical advice: Treat yourself kindly, ask what you’re avoiding, try to delay the urge to binge-scroll, and build awareness.

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Where in your life have you been avoiding things you know would be more helpful for you? What might you be putting off, and do you know why? Give yourself some grace—it’s all part of being human.

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In this episode, I dive deep into the ever-evolving world of friendships—especially what happens to our friendships when life gets tough. Drawing from my own recent experiences, I explore how trauma can impact our capacity to maintain relationships, why our friend circles might shrink, and the common misunderstandings that occur on both sides.

[00:01:06] Julia shares how she’s revisiting the topic of friendship from a new, more personal angle—especially reflecting on her own recent experiences during a challenging time.

[00:02:15] She explains how her capacity for social interaction diminished, and her friendship circle shrank as a result of what she was going through.

[00:03:09] Julia describes how some friends were understanding and supportive during her withdrawal, while others struggled with her need for space.

[00:03:53] She delves into the psychodynamic perspective: how traumatic experiences can put us in survival mode, leading to withdrawal as a defense mechanism, and why we might appear distant or unresponsive to friends.

[00:04:42] Further exploration of defense mechanisms at play—withdrawal, avoidance, and denial—as well as how this can affect communication with friends.

[00:05:39] Discussion of projection and displacement, where friends might express hurt and frustration not directly related to the root cause.

[00:06:13] Julia addresses the role of guilt and shame, and how withdrawing to take care of oneself can feel like letting others down—even when it’s necessary for personal well-being.

[00:07:01] Exploration of the psychological reasons friends might feel left out—envy or feelings of exclusion—and how this can surface as passive aggression.

[00:07:53] Julia discusses what true friendship looks like from a psychodynamic lens, referencing Winnicott and Bion, and invites listeners to consider their own friendship patterns.

Reflect on where you are in your own friendships—have you needed space, or perhaps a friend has? How did you respond? Remember, sometimes people are in our lives for “a reason, a season, or a lifetime.”

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In this bonus episode I talk to Jo Stimson, founder of the Sales Only membership group about why we find sales such a tricky subject.  There are huge amounts of defence mechanisms coming out to play here, all ready to trip us up.  It’s a must listen for anyone who finds sales a struggle and needs to get out of their own way.

You can find Jo at:

https://www.facebook.com/share/1EwN3UNtE6/?mibextid=wwXIfr

https://www.facebook.com/share/g/1FUT7HJbjs/?mibextid=wwXIfr https://johanne-stimson.mykajabi.com/sales-only-membership-1 http://linkedin.com/in/johannestimson-gotojo

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Welcome back to The Dynamics of Everyday Life with your host, Julia! In this episode, I dive into the curious phenomenon of not being able to imagine life after a big event—be it a long-awaited holiday, Christmas, or any milestone. Why do we focus everything on the buildup and then feel lost or “blank” once it’s over? I take a psychodynamic lens to this universal experience, exploring our emotional need to create psychological boundaries through fixed points in time.

[00:01:10] — Realization that this is a universal phenomenon, introduction to the concept of "back to reality," and distinction from Monday Blues/Sunday Scaries.

[00:01:50] — Discussion of the struggle to imagine life beyond fixed points and common slump after big events.

[00:02:32] — Psychodynamic perspective: Using events as psychological boundaries and containers.

[00:03:18] — Defenses and avoidance strategies: procrastination masked as planning, with examples around holidays like Christmas.

[00:04:01] — More about how we split time between "before" and "after" events, and the illusion of psychological space and control.

[00:06:02] — School holidays analogy; personal anecdote about denial and last-minute preparations for back-to-school.

[00:06:48] — September as a "new start," the myth of fresh starts, and the reality of post-event life.

[00:08:15] — Personal example of keeping the post-event feeling alive, advice for self-compassion and reframing anxiety-driven habits.

Upcoming Events:

• Webinar with Scott Warren: Exploring defense mechanisms around pricing for coaches (early September)
• Essential Psychodynamics for Coaches course starts again in September
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Find more resources, join live sessions, or connect about coaching and psychodynamics at DynamicsOfEverydayLife.

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Welcome back to The Dynamics of Everyday Life with Julia! In this episode, I explore why we sometimes hand over important decisions to people whose judgment we wouldn’t even trust to pick our lunch. Through stories of dog-sitting, business frustrations, and family dynamics, I examines what’s going on beneath the surface when we seek outside advice during moments of overwhelm.

[00:00:48] – Responsibility & Decision-Making

• I discuss making decisions for the dog, connect it to parenting, and segue into feelings of overwhelm in business, particularly with sales and marketing.

[00:01:50] – Struggles & Seeking Advice

• I recount attending an unhelpful business event and reflect on my hopes for insightful advice versus the reality of generic recommendations.

[00:02:26] – Advice & Overwhelm

• I question why I sought advice from strangers and discuss how easy it is to look for the “right” answer elsewhere when feeling overwhelmed.

[00:03:25] – Outsourcing Decision-making

• I realise that having a large following isn’t helpful if it isn’t the right audience; discuss how, when flooded by decisions, confidence shrinks and we start to “outsource” thinking.

[00:04:21] – The Sandwich Test & Regression

• I share my “sandwich test” for whose opinions matter, and talk about regressing into less confident parts of ourselves under stress.

[00:04:52] – The Fantasy of the Right Answer

• Explain the fantasy that someone else knows better; reference my experience training coaches and how there is no one-size-fits-all answer.

[00:05:37] – Psychodynamics: Introjection & Transference

• Introduce the concepts of introjected authority figures and transference, and how these start early in life and influence current decision-making patterns.

[00:06:50] – Real-World Examples

• I give relatable examples of unsolicited advice from networking contacts, family, and friends with questionable expertise.

[00:07:53] – Applying the Sandwich Test

• Suggest the “sandwich test” for business advice, reviewing the intention behind seeking advice, and assessing your “circle of advisors.”

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Feeling overwhelmed? Remember: even Dorothy needed to make the journey to realise she could get herself home. Give yourself some grace and trust your own back catalogue of experience.

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In this episode, I explore the concept of narcissism, from its everyday expressions at family barbecues or holiday trips, to its deeper psychodynamic origins. As our summer holidays approach, I reflect on how personality dynamics, group travel, and different planning styles can bring personal patterns (and those of others) into sharper focus.

I explain how narcissistic behaviours are often defenses against uncomfortable feelings like shame, insignificance, or vulnerability, rather than simply signs of a “narcissist.” I draw on psychoanalytic theory (think Freud, Kohut, Kernberg) to unpack why we all use narcissistic defenses sometimes, and offer compassionate, practical advice for spotting and responding to these patterns, both in ourselves and others.

[00:03:43] Psychodynamic View of Narcissism

• Discusses Freud’s work on narcissism as a developmental phase.
• Heinz Kohut and Otto Kernberg’s contributions: narcissism as a developmental need for mirroring.

[00:04:22] Lack of Early Mirroring & Narcissistic Defenses

• If we lack early mirroring, we may form narcissistic defenses to protect a fragile self.
• These defenses include grandiosity, entitlement, devaluation, and idealization.

[00:06:39] Narcissism: Defense vs. Personality Structure

• Distinction between situational narcissistic defenses and a fixed narcissistic personality structure.
• Defenses are reactive and protect against shame, vulnerability, and loss of control.

[00:08:42] Types of Narcissistic Defenses in Action

• Examples: grandiosity, idealization, devaluation, envy, and entitlement.
• These arise when self-esteem is threatened or intimacy is risky.

[00:09:20] Recognizing Defenses in Everyday Life

• Emphasis on the reactive nature of these behaviors.
• Not everyone with narcissistic defenses has a narcissistic personality disorder.

[00:10:24] Narcissism at the Family Barbecue

• Real-life examples: the relative who must have things their way; friends who always redirect the conversation to themselves.
• In professional settings: clients seeking admiration or flipping from idealization to devaluation.

[00:12:15] How to Respond to Narcissistic Defenses

• Don’t take it personally—see the behavior as defensive rather than manipulative.
• Tips: stay grounded, avoid labeling, invite reflection, and know when to step back.

[00:14:44] Takeaways & Self-Reflection

• Importance of boundaries and being aware of your own reactions.
• Reminds listeners that narcissism can be situational, not a set pattern.

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In this episode, I unpack the popular marketing advice to "address the problem of your client", exploring why that’s effective, and where it misses the deeper, messier reality of human problems. Drawing from my psychodynamic training and experience, I highlight how, psychologically, the problems we present are rarely as straightforward as they seem.

Everything from James Bond snow globes to struggles with social media and business sales— shows how we often mask what’s really going on with safer, more manageable issues. I discuss common defence mechanisms like displacement and intellectualization, and explain how the problems we focus on can actually protect us from uncomfortable truths or even connect us with others.

[00:01:33] – Musings on the phrase "what's your problem?" and how social behaviors have changed over the years. Introduction of the topic, understanding problems from a psychodynamic perspective.

[00:03:27] – From a psychodynamic angle, problems are rarely what they seem on the surface. Introduction to the concept of the "hand on the door" syndrome and what might really bring someone to seek help.

[00:04:49] – Contrasts binary and non-binary problems, introducing the role of the unconscious mind and defense mechanisms.

[00:05:28] – Introduction and explanation of some common defense mechanisms, like displacement (redirecting focus to a safer problem) and intellectualization.

[00:09:01] – Encouragement to give oneself grace, as not all problems are true problems—some are disguises or defenses.

Interested in learning more about psychodynamics, working with me as a trainer, coach, or supervisor, or joining upcoming events? Check the show notes for links and contact info.

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Welcome back to The Dynamics of Everyday Life! In this episode, I explore the intricate ways we use humor as a defence mechanism, both consciously and unconsciously, to navigate challenging emotions and complex social situations.

I delve into how laughter and humor can serve as a protective layer, masking our true feelings or keeping others at a comfortable distance. I reference well-known figures like Robin Williams and Stephen Fry, discussing their public personas versus their private struggles with mental health

[00:00:45] – Discussion about people using humor to mask true feelings, featuring examples like Robin Williams and Stephen Fry.

[00:01:20] – I detail Stephen Fry's public struggle with depression and how it relates to the topic.

[00:03:04] – Explanation of Freud’s perspective on jokes and their psychological function, including "tendentious" vs. "innocent" jokes.

[00:04:24] – Humor as a defensive strategy, its benefits, and social rewards.

[00:05:04] – How humor can be used to cover shame, grief, and anger, with examples like sarcasm.

[00:05:44] – When humor misfires, and what that can reveal about underlying emotions or defense mechanisms.

[00:06:27] – Freud’s view of humor as both a "noble defence" and a potential sign of weakness depending on its use.

Thank you for tuning in! Don’t forget to subscribe and join me next time for more insightful explorations into the dynamics of your everyday life.

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