The Family Brain with Megan Gipson

Yael Schonbrun is the author of the recently released book, Work Parent Thrive. I talked to her when her book was just one week old and I joke with her that when she meets Hoda to tell her that I got the first interview. I think this book will strike a cord with so many people because Yael lays out why it can feel so overwhelming to manage multiple roles and she offers practical strategies supported by scientific research and illustrated by funny antidotes that help make the strategies feel accessible. 

In this episode:

We talk about how the outside forces that impact managing work and family life can feel overwhelming. It can often feel like both of those roles are being neglected. Yael talks about how these outside factors are real and do impact our lives, and that while acknowledging that reality, we can also do some “inside” work to help us feel more content and empowered by the many roles we embody. 

We talk about how hope and optimism are essential to move forward professionally and in parenting. As humans we are always faced with choices, and we need to get clear on our values and how our values shape our choices. Our mindset is critical to what energy and attitude we bring into our lives. I know I can get into a victim mentality about all that is expected of me in this fast-paced world, and the reminder that I am in control and responsible for my mindset was such a great reset for me. 

Yael talks about the concept of work family enrichment, and the basic idea is that research supports that shifting roles has a number of benefits to our lives. This is the game changer concept for me and helps me to shift from a poor me kind of pissed off state to a more accepting this is how it is and my brain can shift and will be better off for it mentality. If this sounds confusing listen to the episode. Yael explains it much more eloquently than I ever could. 

Learn more about Yael Schonbrun, PhD

Work Parent Thrive, by Yael Schonbrun, PhD

Psychologists Off the Clock Podcast

Man’s Search For Meaning, Viktor E. Frankl

How to Not Hate Your Husband After Kids, Jancee Dunn

"The conflict between roles is never going to be eradicated. It is fundamental to being human." Yael Schonbrun, PhD

AND

"Given who you are and what matters to you how do you show up in the life that you have and build a life in the direction you want to be going." Yael Schonbrun, PhD

Episode 102: Parenting Spicy Kids with Mary Van Geffen

This new season of The Family Brain Podcast focuses on “What to Expect When You Are Expecting a Teen.” I remember my early parenting days gobbling up whatever parenting books were recommended, and I found comfort in their pages, even if the reality of parenting was much more nuanced and complicated than the books let on. Likewise, parenting a teen is not a one size fits all program, and in my conversation with Mary Van Geffen, a parenting coach for “Spicy Kids”, I am reminded of one principal of parenting that seems to fit most situations, and that is that often the point of work is not so much about the child but about the parts of the parent desire for control. I will admit that this conversation came at just the right time for me. Some days parenting feels like a breeze and there are other seasons where I question everything I know. If you have every felt like this, I hope you find hope in this conversation. I know I did.

In this episode:

I kick off a little shaky, and flub Mary Van Geffen’s name, but once we get rolling there is no stopping us. We get going talking about how Mary came to the work of helping others parent spicy kids. Mary was a “spicy” kid and that came with some rough times and some rejection. Once she became a parent, she wanted to do things differently for her children and now shares what she has learned with other families. I love when one person’s story and past feeds into their work. Mary talks about how parents of spicy kids and particularly spicy teens bring a great deal of intensity to situations, and how its on the parent to lower the energy in those interactions. Spicy kids have a high loyalty to themselves and intensely follow the call of their own heart. Mary says we have so much to learn from them. Spicy kids are not people pleasers and so often do not fall prey to as much peer pressure and are also not as eager to please their parent. I love that integrity to themselves, and as Mary suggests it can be challenging to feel like a competent parent with this kind of intensity. 

Mary talks about how the little (not so little) secret is that often the place for the work in a parenting situation is not so much to do with the child as with a parent’s unresolved need for control. OK that spoke to me. I have been feeling in the teen parenting years a lot like those early parenting days of no control, and I clearly have more work to do in that area. 

Mary notes that often the spicy kids she talks about are inflexible, highly sensitive (sensitive to tags, sounds), and are persistent and often louder than the average child. This came come with some great benefits like staying true to self and goals and being aware of the world in rich ways. It can also come with some frustrations like when things don’t go as planned or when the child is able to get what they expected. It can lead to challenges with friendships and at school. Mary has the great reminder that a parent’s goal is not to control the child’s behavior but rather for the parent to stay as they want to be regardless of how the child is in any given moment. She talks about how teens often trigger in parents their own tender parts as a child at that age, so for example my 11-year-old may bring me back to things that I loved or had a time with as an 11 year old myself. I reflected that nothing seems to quite shine a light more on the unhealed parts of yourself better than your child. 

One key lesson I got from talking with Mary is the idea of creating slow customer service with our teens. I know I can be quick to fill requests to clear the list of things to do and tidy up my own anxiety. Welp, it turns out that creates repeat customers with more and more requests. I am committing myself to slowing down my service. Mary suggests cultivating a inner patroness, like an inner guide to help create a inner mentor of how you might like to engage. I am working on who that could be for me.

The other big take away from Mary is that often she sees parents who lead with what they are worried about for their child and a high focus on what is not going well. She helps families shift to a focus on what is going well, and a focus on the child’s strengths. She says that instead of strengths approach we focus on their weaknesses but the world will figure that out. We need to magnify the good and blow that up for them. 

We end remembering the Mr. Rogers document, “Won’t You Be My Neighbor” and how he reminds parents that what kids need is to be reminded that you love them exactly how they are. Mary suggests that when we give qualifiers, it creates a unspoken message that “I would be more comfortable if you were different.” Mary talks about noticing bids for connection from your kids, and that those are the key moments to build relationship with your teens. I know I am paying more attention to those bids for connection after talking with Mary. 

Mary Van Geffen has such great perspective on connecting with teens and I hope you get as much out of this episode as I did. 

Learn More About Mary Van Geffen:

Website: www.maryvangeffen.com

Instagram: @maryvangeffen

Teen Course: Shift Your Parenting, Preparing for the Teen Years

Intro Course: Gentle Parenting 101

Resources:

All There Is with Anderson Cooper, a podcast about loss and grief.

Won’t You Be My Neighbor, a documentary featuring Fred Rogers.

Katherine Winter Sellery, 3x TEDx speaker, founder of the Conscious Parenting Revolution, has mentored and trained 1000s of parents in her Guidance Approach to Parenting tools and mindset. She hosts a comprehensive training for parents and caregivers, The 90 Day Parenting Reset. She has a free ebook on 7 Strategies to keep your relationship with your kids from hitting the boiling point https://www.consciousparentingrevolution.com/products/ebook.

Social handles: 

website: https://www.consciousparentingrevolution.com/

FB: https://www.facebook.com/consciousparentingrevolution/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/katherinewintersellery/

LindedIn https://www.linkedin.com/company/68661446/admin/

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I am celebrating my 100th episode by talking to my life long friend Meghan Judge (yes also Meg(h)an) about the reason I decided to create The Family Brain Podcast.  As a therapist I understood the difficulties people go through to a certain degree, but when I lost my friend 5 years ago I was forever changed.  In this episode I talk about losing my friend in a domestic violence circumstance, what I have learned from that experience, and why it prompted me to share resources and stories on this podcast.  My main goal is to help others not feel so alone in whatever they go through.  It is hard to struggle but that is compounded when you feel like you are the only one.  Thank you for listening to this episode and if you would like to learn more about organ donation after listening please check out 

www.tosa1.org

If you would like to learn more about the non-profit founded in honor of my friend, check out 

www.projectbrave.net

If you need support with a relationship reach out to 

www.thehotline.org

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

If you want to listen more to Meghan Judge talk with trauma survivors about coping and thriving check out her podcast Judging Meghan 

@judgingmeghan on Instagram or listen wherever you get your podcasts!

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Amber Trueblood, LMFT, is a mother, speaker, author and podcaster. She helps overwhelmed moms feel more calm connected, and fulfilled by their lives. I was in a bit of a tailspin when I spoke with Amber as Texas was in the midst of an unusual snowstorm that shut down most of the state. Having said that, it was the perfect time to talk with Amber because the way I was feeling at the time was similar to how I had felt at the beginning of the pandemic, which was also similar to how I felt after becoming a new mom. All the feels! She has great concrete and pragmatic tools to help keep grounded in times of stress. I was so thankful that I talked to her when I did and I hope you love her too.

Her book Stretch Marks is available on amazon

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07TVW9B6L/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

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I have been following The Confess Project on Instagram @theconfessproject and it is one of the most innovative mental health concepts I have ever encountered. Lorenzo Lewis came up with the idea for The Confess Project after recognizing that the mental health needs of black men and boys were not being met by conventional interventions. The Confess Project is a grass roots organization which trains barbers in providing mental health support and resources in their communities. 

The Confess Project is “America’s First Mental Health Barbershop Movement” and the organization is “committed to building a culture of mental health for boys, men of color and their families.” 

In this episode I talk with Darnell Rice, Director of Membership and Engagement, and we talk about reducing the stigma around mental health, and the specific challenges black men and boys face in the world and in finding appropriate mental health treatment.  

Learn more about becoming involved with The Confess Project at www.theconfessproject.com

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Many of my clients struggle with food and body issues, so I decided to take a class to better help support those that struggle with this (me included!)   I am currently enrolled in a Be Nourished class which teaches the reasons we develop body shame and how to help heal from that.  In my research I discovered Nina Manolson who is a certified Be Nourished treatment provider,  and she runs courses on ending the struggle with food and body image.  You can learn more about Nina at 

www.ninamanolson.com

If you struggle with food and body acceptance or are interesting in helping someone who does, this is the episode for you.  

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Dr Roseann is founder of Dr. Roseann & Associates and The Global Institute of Children’s Mental Health. She and her team treat children and adults who struggle with a wide range of conditions including but not limited to ADHD, Autism, anxiety, depression, concussions, and learning disabilities, Lyme Disease and PANS/PANDAS. Using proven holistic therapies like neurofeebback, biofeedback, psychotherapy and nutrition helps her clients improve and thrive.

I have always wished that I understood biofeedback and neurofeedback better, and I love that Dr. Roseann explains her work in accessible language and terminology. She got me excited about continuing to learn more about neurofeedback for my own practice.

Dr. Roseann is the author of “Teletherapy Toolkit: Therapist Handbook for Treating Children and Teens” and co-author of the best -selling book “Brain Under Attack: A Resource For Parents and Caregivers of Children with PANS, PANDAS, and Autoimmune Encephalopathy”.

Brain Under Attack

https://www.amazon.com/Brain-Under-Attack-Caregivers-Encephalitis/dp/0692133275/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2U2CHWXTFWR6Q&dchild=1&keywords=brain+under+attack&qid=1610049717&sprefix=brain+under%2Caps%2C198&sr=8-1

Teletherapy Toolkit

https://www.amazon.com/Teletherapy-Toolkit-Therapist-Handbook-Treating/dp/1735794503/ref=sr_1_1?crid=24PH2BJ0PLEID&dchild=1&keywords=teletherapy+toolkit&qid=1610049797&sprefix=teletherapy%2Caps%2C241&sr=8-1

www.drroseann.com for more about Dr. Roseann & Associates

We talk about the program HeartMath www.heartmath.com

To learn more about the Northeast Region Biofeedback Society Conference www.nrbs.org

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I was not sure how I came upon Jessica’s Facebook post in September, but we talked after this recording and realized we are both a part of Be the Bridge, a faith based racial reconciliation movement founded by Latasha Morrison. In Jessica’s post, which I link to below, she expressed her discovery , via Ancestry.com, of her biological lineage to a confederate soldier. As a person of color, Jessica struggled with what to make of that, and in the end writes beautifully about choosing to side with love.

Through these Covid 19 pandemic days, I have found great comfort in her words. As a therapist and as a person in this world, it can be challenging to make peace with people and things that do not line up with what I think and feel. However, my faith and returning to love have served me well over 2020.

I hope you enjoy this final episode of 2020, and find Jessica’s perspective a comfort. I am so thankful that in creating this podcast, I have the opportunity to connect with people like Jessica who remind me how much good and love there is in this messy world.

Jessica is fluent in American Sign Language and is founder of Ezer Advocates, a faith based community outreach program.

You can find Jessica Lamartiniere on Instagram @simplyjess313 or @ezeradvocates

The holiday season can be one of joy and one of hardship, if you need to talk to someone, the National Suicide Hotline is free and available 24 hours and can offer a place of rest if you are in distress.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255

For the original facebook post by Jessica, please visit Family Brain Podcast facebook group.

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Dr. Meg Van Deusen is a psychologist practicing in Seattle, Washington and author of the book, Stressed in the U.S. 12 Tools to Tackle Anxiety, Loneliness, Tech-Addiction and More.  

We talk about the increase in stress and anxiety during these pandemic days, and how the prevalence of technology in our lives can add to our stress levels. We also talk about mindful use of technology, and how attachment theory (how we connect and feel grounded by our relationships with others) can be impacted by our technology use. 

I know this conversation was eye opening for me, literally, and motivated me to consider ways to have more eye contact with my family and friends. Learn more about Dr. Meg and her work at 

www.megvandeusen.com

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