How Your Attachment Style Shapes Your Relationship With Money

The Family Trauma Therapist Podcast — Episode 2

What does your attachment style have to do with money?

More than you might think.

We often think of attachment in terms of romantic relationships—whether we're anxious, avoidant, secure, or somewhere in between. But attachment is about something much bigger:

Safety.

From the time we're children, our nervous systems are learning whether the world—and the people we depend on—are safe, predictable, trustworthy, and responsive to our needs.

And those early experiences don't necessarily disappear when we become adults.

In this episode, we're exploring the connection between attachment, family trauma, childhood experiences, and our relationship with money.

Because sometimes the way we save, spend, avoid, monitor, or pursue money isn't just about money.

It may also be connected to what money has come to represent emotionally: safety, control, freedom, worth, stability, love, or survival.

In this episode, we explore:

Attachment Is Really About Safety

Attachment isn't simply about romantic relationships.

We talk about the role of:

Emotional safety

Consistency

Predictability

Co-regulation

Trust

Having our needs met

As children, we learn through our experiences whether we can rely on others when we have a need—and those experiences can influence how our nervous systems respond to uncertainty later in life.

As adults, we may continue looking for ways to create safety and predictability, including through our relationship with money.

What Are Money Scripts?

We introduce the concept of money scripts, developed by financial psychologists Brad and Ted Klontz.

Money scripts are beliefs and assumptions about money that can influence how we think, feel, and behave financially.

We discuss four common patterns:

Money Avoidance“Money is bad” or “I don't deserve money.”

Money Worship“More money will solve my problems.”

Money Status“My financial success determines my worth.”

Money Vigilance“I have to constantly monitor and protect my money.”

And an important reminder: most people don't fit neatly into one category.

Our financial beliefs and behaviors can be complicated, contradictory, and influenced by many different experiences.

How Attachment Patterns May Intersect With Money

We explore how different attachment patterns may influence our relationship with financial uncertainty, without assuming that everyone with a particular attachment style will respond to money in the same way.

Anxious attachment may involve:

Looking to money for reassurance

Fear of financial instability

Difficulty tolerating uncertainty

Emotional spending

Wanting financial certainty

A question to consider:

“When I feel financially uncertain, what happens inside of me?”

Avoidant attachment may involve:

Avoiding financial tasks

Strong independence

Difficulty asking for help

Avoiding conversations about money

Discomfort with shared finances

Ask yourself:

“Do I avoid finances because I don't care—or because engaging with them brings up something uncomfortable?”

We also explore disorganized attachment and the possibility of a cycle involving:

Control → overwhelm → avoidance or impulsivity → control

And finally, we talk about what a more secure relationship with money might look like.

Financial security doesn't necessarily mean having tons of money.

It can mean being able to:

Tolerate uncertainty

Communicate openly

Make mistakes without shame

Ask for help

Separate your worth from your income

Make intentional financial decisions

What Did Money Look Like In Your Family?

This is where our childhood and family experiences become especially important.

Consider:

Were your parents constantly fighting about money?

Was money unpredictable?

Did you frequently hear, “We can't afford that”?

Were financial problems hidden?

Was wealth associated with being “good” or successful?

Did you learn that having needs made you a burden?

Did money become a way of controlling other people?

Did financial instability force you to grow up quickly?

Sometimes we're not just carrying our own financial experiences.

We're carrying beliefs passed down through generations.

This is where our relationship with money can intersect with family trauma and intergenerational patterns.

How Can We Change These Patterns?

Changing your relationship with money starts with becoming curious about the story underneath the behavior.

Try asking yourself:

What did money mean in my family growing up?

What emotions come up when I think about money?

What do I believe money says about me?

What financial behaviors do I repeat even though I don't like them?

What feeling am I trying to create—or avoid—with this behavior?

Is this belief actually mine, or is it something I learned?

What would a more secure relationship with money look like for me?

The Takeaway

Healing isn't about becoming perfect with money.

It's about becoming more aware of the emotional patterns underneath the way we relate to it.

Sometimes what looks like a budgeting problem is actually an anxiety problem.

Sometimes what looks like irresponsibility is avoidance.

And sometimes what looks like ambition is actually a desperate attempt to finally feel worthy or safe.

The goal isn't to judge these patterns.

It's to understand them.

Because when we understand where our beliefs and behaviors come from, we have more choice in deciding what we want to carry forward—and what we want to leave behind.

Read the Blog

If this episode resonated with you, I encourage you to read the companion blog:

How Your Attachment Style Shapes Your Relationship With Money

👉 https://faiththerapyandwellness.com/blog/how-your-attachment-style-affects-your-relationship-with-money

Follow The Family Trauma Therapist on Instagram

For more content about family trauma, attachment, dysfunctional family dynamics, relationships, boundaries, and healing, follow along on Instagram:

👉https://instagram.com/thefamilytraumatherapist

About The Family Trauma Therapist Podcast

The Family Trauma Therapist Podcast is hosted by Faith Forero, LCSW-S, LCDC, and EMDRIA Approved Consultant.

This podcast explores the ways childhood experiences, family dysfunction, trauma, attachment, and intergenerational patterns can continue to shape our relationships, mental health, boundaries, and sense of self as adults.

If you've ever wondered, “Why do I keep doing this even though I know it's not helping me?”—this podcast is for you.

If you enjoyed this episode, like, subscribe, and follow the podcast so we can get this message out to the rest of the world.

Disclaimer

This podcast is for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy, mental health treatment, medical advice, diagnosis, or other professional care. The information shared should not be used to diagnose yourself or someone else or as a replacement for individualized treatment. If you are struggling with your mental health, please consult with your own qualified mental health or medical professional.

Are They Weaponizing Incompetence—or Do They Really Believe They Can't?

The Family Trauma Therapist Podcast — Episode 1

Have you ever found yourself thinking, “Are they actually incapable of doing this… or have they just learned that if they do it badly enough, I’ll eventually do it for them?”

Welcome to the very first episode of The Family Trauma Therapist Podcast!

In this episode, we’re talking about weaponized incompetence—what it is, what it looks like in relationships and families, and why it can be especially complicated when you grew up in a dysfunctional or emotionally unsafe family.

But there’s an important question we don’t always ask:

What if they aren't intentionally manipulating you? What if they genuinely believe they can't?

When you've grown up in a family where responsibilities weren't shared equally, where one person became the “responsible one,” or where mistakes weren't tolerated, you may have learned to automatically step in and take over.

And sometimes, what looks like weaponized incompetence isn't actually someone thinking, “If I do this badly, they'll do it for me.”

Sometimes it's a person who has genuinely internalized the belief:

“I can't.”

In this episode, we’ll explore the difference between weaponized incompetence, learned helplessness, avoidance, and genuine lack of confidence or skill—and why the distinction matters.

In this episode, we talk about:

What weaponized incompetence actually means

How weaponized incompetence can show up in romantic relationships and families

The difference between “I won't” and “I can't”

How childhood family roles can influence how we respond to responsibility

Why some people become chronic “fixers” or over-functioners

How growing up in chaos can teach you to take over before someone even asks

The connection between incompetence, shame, avoidance, and learned helplessness

How to tell whether someone is genuinely struggling or avoiding responsibility

Why continuing to rescue someone may unintentionally reinforce the pattern

What healthier boundaries can look like

How to stop automatically taking responsibility for everyone else's responsibilities

A question to consider

Before labeling someone as incompetent—or assuming they're weaponizing incompetence—ask yourself:

“What happens if I don't step in?”

And then ask:

“Am I helping this person, or am I reinforcing their belief that they can't do it without me?”

Because sometimes the work isn't figuring out how to get someone else to change.

Sometimes it's learning how to stop over-functioning for them.

Read the full blog post

Want to dive deeper into this topic?

Read the full blog post:https://faiththerapyandwellness.com/blog/weaponized-incompetence-vs-learned-helplessness-whats-the-difference

Follow along on Instagram

For more conversations about family trauma, dysfunctional family dynamics, relationships, attachment, boundaries, and healing:

Follow @thefamilytraumatherapist on Instagram:https://www.instagram.com/thefamilytraumatherapist

About The Family Trauma Therapist Podcast

The Family Trauma Therapist Podcast is hosted by Faith Forero, LCSW-S, LCDC, and EMDRIA Approved Consultant.

This podcast explores what happens when you grow up in a chaotic, dysfunctional, addicted, or emotionally unsafe family—and how those experiences can continue to affect your relationships, boundaries, self-worth, nervous system, and mental health as an adult.

If you've ever thought, “Why am I still affected by this?” or “Why is my family dynamic following me into adulthood?”—you're in the right place.

If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to like, subscribe, and follow the podcast so we can get this message out to the rest of the world.

Disclaimer

This podcast is for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy, mental health treatment, medical advice, diagnosis, or other professional care. The information shared should not be used to diagnose yourself or someone else or as a replacement for individualized treatment. If you are struggling with your mental health, please consult with your own qualified mental health or medical professional.