The Frustration Factor

Our intrepid hunters are back on the search for the Great Mouse. She was unexpectedly spotted hiding in a strange place, far away and previously unknown to our hunters. The Great Mouse was suddenly a threat to the yearly journey of the jolly old man himself. Will the intrepid hunters Chace her away in time? Will the path be cleared for the man in red and white? With our fingers crossed, press play and let's see how the latest quest for the Great Mouse turns out.

Christmas is a magical time. WOW! A tree in the house, excitement everywhere and Santa is coming. Yes indeed, the jolly old elf himself.

When did we start to doubt? For most of us, it was about the time we got to kindergarten. A question here, an overheard comment there and our confidence began to crack. Even then, we might still believe were it not for the playground expert on everything. Know-it-all types always show up when we least need them. Perhaps you have noticed that yourself.

Few of us remember exactly when the crack in our faith became an empty place in our childhood where elves and reindeer used to play. Halloween's ghosts and goblins, imaginary friends and The Easter Bunny were there too. The Tooth Fairy came in the night with nickels and, if we were very good, maybe a shiny quarter. We remember, like to recall the magic, if only for a little while.

DENNIS THE MENACE has the answer.

A while back, Dennis and his Friend Joey were in line waiting to talk to Santa. Dennis said, "It's not so important that you believe in Santa Claus Joey, as long as he believes in you!"

I wish I had thought to say that to the expert on the playground of my childhood. Her name was Sandra; and I learned what she had found out about Santa Claus the same winter morning I learned what happens to little boys who hit little girls. Neither lesson felt much like good news nor anything else I personally wanted to know.

Please indulge me. "Hey Sandra, so what! The important thing is whether Santa Claus believes in you. That's almost the same thing my mother told me when I told her what you said. That also was when she told me that, no matter what you said, little boys really shouldn't hit little girls."

Does Santa Claus believe in you?

Maybe yes, maybe no. It depends on the spirit in which you give your gifts. Here is how you can know for sure.

Brightly wrapped packages and cheerful words are quite nice. Most anyone would enjoy being on the receiving side of your generosity. Santa looks for the spirit that comes with your gifts though. It is what counts the most. You have been told that before and it is the truth.

Does a gift from you come with these value-added extras?

• Your affection and acceptance of the person getting your gift.

• Your promise to be considerate of the person's feelings and needs.

• Your willingness to give of yourself in ways that are gentle and helpful.

• Your pledge of honesty and loyalty.

Santa will be pleased.

Not every present you give needs these added values. Sometimes you give someone a present and they give you one. It's the social thing to do.

Your family and special friends deserve much more from you though. When you care enough to be sure that your gifts to them include these value-added extras, they are reminded that Santa Claus believes in them.

This is the real treat. If you include these value-added extras with each gift you give to people you love, Santa will believe in you too.

Merry Christmas to you and yours.

How often do you find yourself close to others who are having an emotional meltdown? They may be uncomfortably anxious. They may be irrationally angry. They may be alarmingly depressed. More likely, they are just far enough into their meltdown to cause you discomfort and concern. What to do? Please listen and consider a tip that will help you get past the episode and will certainly help the meltdowner.

The title tells the tale. Our broadcast license agreement with the Aliens Amongst Us does not authorize any comment by us beyond what has been said. You will need to listen for yourself.

Are you a never go back person or do you like to revisit places you've been before? Well, we've been here before but it's a place worth another listen. Of course, if you don't mind being driven up the wall, it's ok to take a pass on this revisit.

Are you a never go back person or do you like to revisit places you've been before? Well, we've been here before but it's a place worth another listen. Of course, if you don't mind being driven up the wall, it's ok to take a pass on this revisit.

Mental illness is many things. Like physical illness, mental illness can affect anyone and has many forms. The first important point to see is that mental illness is not just one illness but is many illnesses.

It will help you to think about it in this way. There is the part of the young person that thinks and understands. You can call this part the child's mind. There is the part that feels happy and sad, frightened and calm, angry and joyful. You can call this part the emotions. Also there is the part that does things and takes action based on what the youngster thinks and feels. You can call this part behavior.

What is mental illness? The child's mind, emotions, and behavior normally work together as a team. When children become mentally ill, the three members of the team stop working together. They each start doing their thing and the child cannot get them to start working together again.

Some kinds of mental illness affect the mind the most. The youngster is unable to think clearly and understand things the way they really are. The world becomes a strange and confusing place for him.

Other kinds of mental illness affect emotions more and other kinds affect behavior more. Here is another important point. All types of mental illness affect the child's mind, emotions, and behavior to some extent and in some way. When this happens, the young person finds it very hard to keep the three members of the team under control and working together. Keep this problem of teamwork in mind as you think about these signs of mental illness.

39. Their moods jump from one extreme to the other and they cannot control them.

It is important to make this point. When you see any of the signs in this section, your foster child needs a mental health evaluation and likely needs professional care. Having said that, it also is important for you to understand the signs and have some ideas about how to help the child at your home.

There are several reasons why your foster child might have trouble controlling his mood and emotions. The most likely is stress or excitement. The child feels upset or very excited; and his emotions are a little out of hand. Here is the important part of the sign. He cannot control his feelings and mood.

When a child gets excited or upset, he normally can settle down, at least for a few minutes. What you see is that he is having part of this sign. Both parts need to be there before you would say he has this sign. His moods are jumping to the extremes and he cannot control it.

A hyperactive child or a child with serious behavior problems often shows both sides of the sign. He may be happy and full of energy one minute and flip into near violence the next. He may be happy one minute and withdrawn the next. The change can be dramatic. He cannot control this flipping back-and-forth without professional help. This has nothing to do with mental illness but needs your caring concern.

Another cause of the problem is depression. A depressed child often does not act like you might expect her to act. You might think she would be in a down mood and not very active. Her depression may look like this but is just as likely to look quite different.

One look of a child's depression fits this sign well. Her moods and emotions flip around. For example, she may be very up and have a lot of energy and then down and withdrawn. She may be friendly and then angry for no reason you can see. The important thing is to see she cannot stop it and needs help with her depression.

Another cause of this sign is serious mental illness. If this is what is happening with your foster child, you would likely see one or more of the other signs in this section.

Here is what to know. Arguing and getting upset with the child only makes things worse.

Sometimes children get so confused about what is going on in their lives and so down on themselves that they can hardly stand it. They may feel like running away or just giving up on themselves. These are awful feelings. They feel afraid, angry, and very upset. They have more stress than they can handle and their self-esteem is very low. They cannot get their thoughts straightened out or figure out their problems. There seems no end to their bad feelings. They believe they have come to the end of the road and don't fit or belong anywhere.

Killing themselves seems like their only choice. Looking at these signs that a child may be suicidal will be useful. As you consider the signs, give some thought to how vulnerable foster children are.

32. They have lost an important relationship and can hardly live without it.

The first idea to think about is "perception." This is how things seem from the child's point of view. Feeling she cannot live without a relationship is her perception of how she would be without the relationship. Seeing the relationship as important also is her perception. When you see this sign in your foster child, she perceives the relationship she lost was important, thinks it is gone, and believes she cannot live without it. It does not matter how others see or think about her and the relationship. Her perceptions are how it is for her. Perception is her reality and the only reason for her actions.

When working with her, start where she is, start with her perceptions.

It is easy to just say that what she thinks and feels is not true. Some people start by deciding that the relationship was not really so important. Others start by deciding that she has not really lost the relationship. They say to her, "Things will work out." Either way, these people think the child is wrong when she thinks she cannot live without the relationship.

Helping means getting inside her skin so you can see how she perceives what happened. Why does she think the relationship was so important? What makes her think she lost the relationship? Here is the most important question. Why does she think she cannot live without it?

Say to her," I want to understand. Please help me understand. What about the relationship was so important for you? What have you lost that is so very important to you? Will you talk to me about what you are thinking and feeling?"

This is your goal. Her grief, anger, fear, and emptiness are real and painful. Her loss is real; and living past the pain feels impossible to her. To help, you need to share her grief, her strong feelings, and her pain. It is as if you take part of it into yourself. The child cannot handle it by herself. But between the two of you, you can.

Here is how you tell if you are helping. Can you feel her loss, her emptiness, her grief, and her pain? Is it a little as if the feelings were yours? If so, it is empathy.

Don't tell her how she should think or feel. More important, don't say her feelings and how she thinks about what happened are wrong. Listen and feel until empathy comes for you. You can then honestly say, "I am afraid for you. I am afraid for me. Maybe I do not totally understand; but I feel awful and hurt as if it happened to me. I want to be close to you and help us get through this. Can I share your grief with you and struggle through it with you?" Holding or touching her physically may make her and you feel better; but holding her emotionally is the key to helping her.

33. They became very embarrassed over something and cannot face it.

This sign begins to get at the main problem. Losing a relationship and feeling unable to live without it makes it seem like losing the relationship is the main problem. Thinking about her feeling unable to handle an embarrassment makes her pain more understandable.

The signs here are serious. Each one means the child needs professional help. As his foster parent, you will be asked to join him in his treatment. It is important for him for you to cooperate. Also, you will be given ideas about how to work with him at home. Be sure to follow the suggestions.

You will not find specific suggestions here about how to limit or control the child's behavior. For children with serious problems, this takes careful thought and a plan. Also, the plan has to be tailored to the individual child. What works for one child can make another child worse. This needs discussed with the child's caseworker to be sure you have the right plan for your foster child. There are no quick fixes.

Thinking about these signs will help you better understand the child and his problems. It also will help you see that, as his foster parent, your main job is to understand, be firm with him, and keep an open and gentle attitude toward him.

23. They do not follow the rules or behave like most children do.

Your foster child might follow the family rules and do what other family members do. Still, family outsiders may find fault. Following "the rules" depends on which rules are to be followed and the value placed on following them. If they are important, the child will usually follow the rules, whether or not most people see doing so as good. Children do as they are taught.

24. They do not accept the authority of foster parents, teachers, or others in charge.

Understanding this sign when you see it in your foster child can be hard. Why? There is a lot of difference between authority and power. Children learn to respect authority, people in authority, and learn to accept authority. This becomes a value. Power is different. It gets its importance from who is bigger and stronger. Power is something to fear; and people with power are to be feared.

How your foster child sees you, teachers, and other adults is important. Does she see you as people in authority or as people with power? She may say, "You can't make me do it." That is what she really means. "You cannot or will not use power to make me do it." She likely is right.

How can you respond to this? Say, "You are right. Even if I could make you do it, I won't. I will not treat you that way. I will help you learn it is better for you to do what I ask than to refuse. You can still refuse. Please do what I ask so we do not have to figure out what other choices we have."

25. They behave in socially inappropriate ways.

Think about whether your foster child really knows the socially appropriate ways to behave. Remember, this takes time. Just telling him is not nearly enough. He needs to try, behave inappropriately, try again, and maybe do it wrong again. Like other children, he also will sometimes act badly even though he knows better. You are looking for successive approximation. This means he comes closer to what you want as time goes on. No one always behaves well. Your goal is only for him to act more appropriately more of the time.

26. They use illegal drugs.

This is a very complicated problem. Think about it in terms of values: right and wrong, good and bad. Peer pressure is often a strong part of illegal drug use. The child gives in to peer pressure. From a value point of view, here is the idea. If the value of following the law, avoiding dangerous things, and doing what is right is stronger, the youngster says, "No." If not, peer pressure wins.

What was the child taught about following the law, using alcohol and drugs, and about what will be good for him in the long-term? He values what he was taught. Also, if he has been mistreated and got little respect, his struggle is up-hill. His stress is high and his self-esteem is low. His social skills are limited and his school success poo...

Your foster child's fit with you is not the only relationship she has that needs your help. She has relationships with other people in your family and with children and adults at school. She needs to get along with people in your neighborhood and in your community. Being able to get along with people may have more to do with her future success than anything else.

Here is the key. Because of abuse, neglect, or other bad life-experiences, foster children often have problems getting along with people. Maybe this comes up every day and maybe only once in a while. However often your foster child has problems, she needs your help.

Here are some signs of foster children having trouble getting along. Your concern and help with these problems are a start to a better life for them.

1. They pout and are hard to live with.

All children have some way of handling it when they don't get their way. They have their own ways of reacting when things do not work out as they want. They have ways of dealing with a world they think is sometimes unfair.

Two of their choices are temper tantrums and pouting. Most children use one or the other of these once in a while. If you watch your foster child for a while, you likely will see that she uses one more than the other.

Just to be fair, answer this question. When you get angry or frustrated, are you more likely to pout or have a little temper tantrum? Now, if you had lived your foster child's life, would you feel angry and frustrated? If so, would you be more likely to pout about it or have a temper tantrum once in a while?

Take a minute to think about a foster child who neither pouts nor has temper tantrums. This can be much worse than either pouting or temper tantrums. Why? Because it often means the child is just accepting whatever happens. Even worse, she has gotten to where she no longer has any feelings about what happens to her. She does not care or thinks what she feels does not matter. This is a very bad sign.

What is your foster child doing when she pouts? She is angry, frustrated, or upset about something. She mainly feels angry. She does not talk about it or try to work out her problem. Instead, she pouts and makes it rough for other people.

What can you do? Think about what upset her. Maybe what happened was unfair or she really was treated badly. Either way, pouting about it is a problem.

Say, "I have thought about what happened. We can talk about it if you want to. Here is my problem right now. You have a right to feel how you feel but pouting about it is not your best choice. I think it would be better if you either got up and over it or at least talked about it. It is your choice. Here is what I am going to do. I am going to do nothing unless you choose to talk with me about it. You can pout or talk. It's your choice. If you choose to pout, please do it in your room." Now leave it alone. Her only choice is to behave more appropriately or be by herself.

2. They are hateful and in a bad mood.

Everyone gets in a bad mood sometimes. Even so, it is not okay to take it out on everyone around. Instead, it is a good time to get better at managing thoughts, feelings, and relationships.

Managing feelings and relationships takes skills children mostly learn by example. Your foster child likely had bad examples set for him. Also, he can bottle-up his anger about what happened to him. It then can easily come spilling out. It may not take much to set him off.

The point is this. Your foster child may have more than a little reason to be in a bad mood and hateful. He needs extra tolerance and patience. More than the usual amount of sensitivity and understanding from you are in order for him.

Here is something that usually helps. Leave his bad mood alone at first.