The Frustration Factor

Learning is not simple. There are three important areas you need to think about. First, your foster child's abilities are where learning starts. Some children learn easier than others. However easily your foster child learns, he learns some things more easily than other things. Some assignments and subjects are easier and others are harder. Even if he is a very good learner, learning is hard work at times.

Next, his attitude is important. Does he want to learn? Is he willing to do what he needs to do to get the job done? It comes down to this. Does he think he is important enough to work at it? Is his future important enough to him to bother learning? Learning takes self-discipline and hard work. It also takes an attitude that says, "I am important enough to do what I have to do."

Third, your foster child needs learning skills. Some of these skills help him pay attention and study. Some help him listen and try to understand. Others help him cooperate. Still others help him follow the rules. He also learns about what adults expect and about the rights of others. If your foster child has problems learning, look at his abilities, attitudes, and behavior.

How do you think foster children fare with school and learning? Some do better than others. Still, they have more than their share of learning problems. Understanding this will help you as you think about your foster child. Here are some signs of learning and school problems. They will help you develop a learning plan for your foster child.

17. They often have trouble making choices and decisions.

How many choices and decisions does your foster child make in a day? When you stop to think about it, there are a lot. He decides whether to brush his teeth and what clothes to wear to school. His choices include when to talk or stay quiet. He decides who he will hang around with and who he will avoid. Does what his teacher is saying make any difference to him? Will he get even with whoever he thinks got into his stuff? Almost everything in his day requires decisions and choices.

Most signs of school and learning problems have choices and decisions as an ingredient. Give this some thought. Has he had a chance to learn what he needs to know? This does not have much to do with whether he can learn.

Homework is a good example. Greg is twelve and in the sixth grade. He is not doing his homework. Is he lazy? Is he being difficult? Is he not doing it because he does not know how? Is it because he does not have a good place to do it? These are important questions but are not the place to start.

Has Greg had a chance to learn to do his homework? Has he decided it is important? Can he choose a good place and time to do it? Has he learned how to start? Doing homework requires many choices and decisions. It is not common sense or something a child just knows. It is a mix of skills he has to learn before he has them.

Think about problems your foster child is having. Is she having trouble with homework? Does she have problems with other children? Is it a hassle to get her to brush her teeth? Does she have problems listening and paying attention?

What choices and decisions does she have to make? If she made better choices and decisions, would the problem go away? If so, this sign needs your attention.

Especially for foster children, making good choices and decisions may be very hard. Their lives have not taught them much about making decisions. It is not easy for them to learn, make mistakes, and learn from their mistakes.

The point is this. First help the child learn what to do and how to do it. It is not fair to insist he do it until he knows how. Children do what they know how to do. If there is a problem, they likely do not know how.

This is true for making good choices and decisions.

What is self-esteem? It is who children think they are. You can see it in how they treat themselves. It is there when they feel valued and important. It is missing when they feel unworthy or put themselves down.

Self-esteem can be high or low. When children think they are important and valued, their self-esteem is high. When they feel good about themselves, are comfortable with who they are, and like themselves, their self-esteem is high. When they treat themselves with respect and avoid doing things that are not good for them, their self-esteem is high.

What is low self-esteem? Children have bad thoughts about themselves. They do not think they are worthwhile people who will be successful. They do not feel good about who they are. This makes them sad and angry. They do not take care of themselves and they do things that are not good for them.

Here is the important part. Children have good days and bad days. Sometimes their self-esteem is higher and sometimes lower. It depends on how things are going for them at the time. Low self-esteem is only a serious problem if your foster child gets extremely down on himself. More so if he is down on himself most of the time.

Here is the main problem. Abuse and neglect are killers when it comes to self-esteem. Foster children have low self-esteem. It is as simple and as tragic as that. It may be harder to see in younger children but is hard to miss in older foster children. Keep this in mind as you think about these signs of low self-esteem.

9. They worry and fret about not doing things well enough and about failing.

Foster parents often think about this sign as a problem with school and school work. Children get nervous and upset about tests, homework, and sometimes about going to school. The problem is they think they will fail even when there is no reason for them to worry. They don't do their homework, will not participate in class, and do not risk failure. Sometimes a child with self-esteem problems will do her homework but not turn it in. The risk of teachers and parents getting upset is not as bad as failing.

Self-esteem problems can get worse. The young person worries and frets about not looking good enough and may even think she looks weird. She may avoid her friends because she is afraid of being embarrassed. She may think she will fail socially, if she is not already a social failure. New people and activities are always a problem because she does not know what new ways there might be to embarrass herself or to fail. She figures almost anything or anyone may be a new chance for her to "screw up."

What is going on with your foster child? It is one of those things that is so obvious you can completely overlook it. Yes, it has to do with how the youngster thinks about and feels about herself. Here is her real problem. It has to do with how she thinks others feel about her. The problem is how she thinks they will react to her. She believes she will not be accepted. Children with low self-esteem think people do not like them. They do not think they will ever be accepted.

Is a child with low self-esteem worrying and fretting about not doing well and about failing? Yes; but more to the point, she worries more about ridicule, rejection, and angry reactions. If this were not bad enough, she knows it would be still worse to just be ignored.

A couple things will help. Problems with low self-esteem are very stressful for children. For example, worrying and fretting once in a while about failing is not that big a deal. All children do this sometimes. The problem for foster children is that they often feel like this. Their stress is severe. When you see the sign a lot in your foster child, look for signs of stress. Handle them as discussed in the last section.

When the child is working on something or thinking about doing s...

Stress is usually not much of a problem for children. At times, a little stress is good for them and keeps them sharp. Young people can normally think things through and figure them out for themselves. They can usually handle their feelings whether they are feeling good or not. They can do what they need to do. They have some stress but handle it fine.

Children can have more stress than they can handle. Foster children almost always have too much stress. When they do, you see signs their stress is getting to them. Here are some typical signs.

1. They are restless and have trouble calming down.

Children can be restless and unable to calm down when they are just full of energy. They are only being very active. It is really hard to sit still, stand still, or be still. Their problem is not stress, it is having to be calm and quiet.

School and the dinner table are good examples. The only stress is adults who expect them to quit fooling around. The children are just being children. The adults are the ones with the stress.

This is the real problem. When restlessness and trouble calming down are because of stress, it does not feel good. The young person is having thoughts and feelings that are keeping him upset. He is confused and feels afraid, angry, and frustrated at the same time. He cannot manage these thoughts and feelings very well and is up-tight and uneasy.

If you see this sign in your foster child, here is what to do. Think about whether the child has a problem or you have a problem coping with his energy and normal behavior. If the problem is yours, tell him about your problem. "I want to talk with you about slowing down and settling down a little, especially at dinner and when we are having quiet time in the evening. You are too rambunctious; and I find it hard to handle."

If you think the child is restless and having trouble calming down because of stress, first give him a little more space. Be a little more patient and tolerant. Say, "I can tell you have a lot on your mind. I will give you as much time and space as you need to work it out. If you want to talk, I'm here for you."

If he does not get more relaxed in a few days, get a little more insistent. Say, "Whatever you are struggling with seems like a big problem for you. I cannot tell whether you are winning or the stress is winning. It's time to talk. Let me help. I know the two of us can handle any problem better than either of us by ourselves. Can we talk?"

If he refuses to talk, keep trying. Not right then but from time-to-time and at least once a day. Don't get frustrated and up-tight just because he will not talk to you. Helping a youngster with stress can be stressful. Be a good example of how to manage stress.

2. They have trouble concentrating and paying attention.

This sign of stress is a lot like restlessness and trouble calming down; but it is more of a problem for the youngster. Some children (about 1 in 30) have a condition called Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder or ADHD. These young people have abnormal problems concentrating and paying attention. Although this probably is not your foster child's problem, make it your first idea. Why? If the child has ADHD, he can do nothing about it by himself. Only a physician or psychologist can diagnose it for sure. It then needs managed medically, behaviorally, and through special teaching and learning techniques. The child cannot handle ADHD without help.

At home and school, problems concentrating and paying attention often are read wrong by adults. They read them as daydreaming and not paying attention. A parent or teacher might say, "She spends all her time daydreaming, not paying attention, fooling around, and wasting time." When misread this way, a stress problem can get overlooked. If this happens,

Being a foster parent can be a delightful and satisfying adventure and will definitely be a difficult challenge that requires your full attention and patience. Even so and if your heart is truly into the adventure, it can be wonderful for both you and your foster child. There are many aspects to being a foster parent; but for now, let's think a while together about a few of the behavior and adjustment concerns that may develop while the child is with you.

Your foster child comes to your home with her strong points and special problems. It is hard for any child to adjust to a new family; but for your foster child, it is extra tough. If her past family experiences had been positive and healthy, being her foster parent would be fairly easy. Loving her and giving her a chance to live in your home would be enough. It is sad but true that love and a good home are not enough for her.

Your foster child is with you because she (or he) could not stay where she was. Maybe she was abused. She may have been neglected. There might have been other problems that made it impossible for her to stay with her family. Whatever happened, she was not safe, happy, and getting her needs met. She now has more problems than most children.

Learning about her special problems is your first step. You will love her, care about her, and encourage her. That's just the way you are. At your home, she also can count on help with her problems, whatever they are. She will get what she needs, whatever it takes.

Let's think about children who are abused and neglected. Abuse and neglect cause lifelong problems. Being mistreated hurts children in ways you can see and in ways you cannot see. They suffer at the time and will have problems at later life-stages. Although the harm done may not be easy to see, it is there.

Here are some things that make it more likely a child will be abused or neglected. For each, think about why it makes abuse and neglect more likely.

For example, a child's being under three-years-old makes abuse more likely.

Why would a baby be more likely to be abused than a twelve-year-old?

Another example may help. Child abuse is more likely in families where an adult abuses alcohol or drugs.

Why are children in homes where someone abuses alcohol or drugs more likely to be abused?

Here are some conditions that increase the likelihood of abuse or neglect. What's your take on why these children have a higher risk of abuse and neglect?

• Child is under three-years-old.

• Child is hard to love.

• Child was abused before.

• Parent was abused as a child.

• Signs of abuse you can see such as bruises, burns, scars, broken bones, or broken teeth.

• Alcohol or drug abuse in the family.

• Child is aggressive or destructive.

• Child does not care if someone gets hurt or gets upset.

• Child is very cautious and uneasy around adults.

• Child gets almost no attention from parents.

• Parents are not consistent about what they expect from the child.

• Child is very withdrawn or quite passive around people.

• Child has a handicap or disability.

• Child is very hard to manage.

• There is a lot of family stress.

• People in the home are violent or hurting each other.

• Family is cut off from other people and does not have a support system or people who will help.

Now that you have thought about things that make it more likely for a child to be abused or neglected, think next about those children who have already been abused or neglected. Here are some problems children have after they are abused or neglected. How do you think abuse and neglect cause these problems?

• Slow physical development.

Being a foster parent can be a delightful and satisfying adventure and will definitely be a difficult challenge that requires your full attention and patience. Even so and if your heart is truly into the adventure, it can be wonderful for both you and your foster child. There are many aspects to being a foster parent; but for now, let's think a while together about a few of the behavior and adjustment concerns that may develop while the child is with you.

Your foster child comes to your home with her strong points and special problems. It is hard for any child to adjust to a new family; but for your foster child, it is extra tough. If her past family experiences had been positive and healthy, being her foster parent would be fairly easy. Loving her and giving her a chance to live in your home would be enough. It is sad but true that love and a good home are not enough for her.

Your foster child is with you because she (or he) could not stay where she was. Maybe she was abused. She may have been neglected. There might have been other problems that made it impossible for her to stay with her family. Whatever happened, she was not safe, happy, and getting her needs met. She now has more problems than most children.

Learning about her special problems is your first step. You will love her, care about her, and encourage her. That's just the way you are. At your home, she also can count on help with her problems, whatever they are. She will get what she needs, whatever it takes.

Let's think about children who are abused and neglected. Abuse and neglect cause lifelong problems. Being mistreated hurts children in ways you can see and in ways you cannot see. They suffer at the time and will have problems at later life-stages. Although the harm done may not be easy to see, it is there.

Here are some things that make it more likely a child will be abused or neglected. For each, think about why it makes abuse and neglect more likely.

For example, a child's being under three-years-old makes abuse more likely.

Why would a baby be more likely to be abused than a twelve-year-old?

Another example may help. Child abuse is more likely in families where an adult abuses alcohol or drugs.

Why are children in homes where someone abuses alcohol or drugs more likely to be abused?

Here are some conditions that increase the likelihood of abuse or neglect. What's your take on why these children have a higher risk of abuse and neglect?

• Child is under three-years-old.

• Child is hard to love.

• Child was abused before.

• Parent was abused as a child.

• Signs of abuse you can see such as bruises, burns, scars, broken bones, or broken teeth.

• Alcohol or drug abuse in the family.

• Child is aggressive or destructive.

• Child does not care if someone gets hurt or gets upset.

• Child is very cautious and uneasy around adults.

• Child gets almost no attention from parents.

• Parents are not consistent about what they expect from the child.

• Child is very withdrawn or quite passive around people.

• Child has a handicap or disability.

• Child is very hard to manage.

• There is a lot of family stress.

• People in the home are violent or hurting each other.

• Family is cut off from other people and does not have a support system or people who will help.

Now that you have thought about things that make it more likely for a child to be abused or neglected, think next about those children who have already been abused or neglected. Here are some problems children have after they are abused or neglected.

In this episode of the Audio Tidbits Podcast, you learn everything you need to know about negotiation at home, at work, or wherever you are when the time comes to make a deal. The skills you will develop will facilitate your being more effectively assertive, being a better problem solver, and being a better conflict manager. Developing the skills is sometimes tedious and requires a lot of practice. The payoff is both substantial and positive though.

At first, it will be useful to move through the negotiation process in a step-by-step manner. With practice and experience, you will gradually get to a point where effective negotiating is second nature to you and is not something that requires a lot of detailed activity. At first though, it is important to develop a negotiating plan and to seek out opportunities to practice. It is a little like learning to play the piano. Learning how is tedious and time consuming. Being able to play well however, is a very satisfying thing indeed.

PRELIMINARY ACTIVITIES

What do you want that I have, control, or can do? As odd as it may seem, this is frequently the step that inexperienced negotiators leave out. Very specifically, what do you want that I have? Here, we are talking about things, about concrete and tangible objects. What do you want that I control? Here we are talking about opportunities, resources, time, or other less tangible “things.” What do you want me to do that I can do? Here, it is important to think in terms of things that anyone with my skills, in my position, and with my resources “can do.” In very specific terms, what do you want from me?

With “it” referring to what you want, can I actually give it to you? This is another point that amateur negotiators frequently overlook. What they want is something that the other person cannot as a matter of individual choice, give to them. Perhaps other people are involved, maybe it is not something that the individual has the right or authority to simply give away, perhaps it is not something that the person can actually do, or maybe there are other factors that have to be taken into consideration other than simply deciding to give it to you. Under these conditions, simply negotiating with you is not enough, since I cannot simply give you what you want. Be sure that your negotiations are directed to the individual or people who can give it to you. Who all do you need to include in the negotiations? You should not leave anyone out.

Assuming I can give you what you want, under what conditions do you think I can give it to you? If you believe that I will simply give it to you without conditions, there is nothing about which to negotiate. Simply ask me and I will give it to you. Here though, let’s assume that you think I will give it to you under some conditions. In specific terms, what are those conditions?

Under what conditions will you accept it – accept what you want – assuming I am willing to give it to you? Yes, you undoubtedly have conditions. Suppose you want to use my car for a week while yours is in the shop. It is my car, and I can let you use it. You think I will let you use it if you agree to take good care of it, bring it back with a full tank of gas, and you pay my bus fare for the week. Suppose my conditions are a little different however. I agree to let you use my car for one week if you agree to make my car payments for one year. You will undoubtedly say, “No way.” The point is that you do have conditions. Under what conditions will you accept what you want if I give it to you?

NEGOTIATING FOCUS

A successful negotiation is a conditional transaction. We do business under certain conditions. If you are still in the game to this point, you have a clear statement of what you want, a set of conditions that you think I will have in doing business,

The podcast team reminds us that they have no shortage of advice and no reluctance to share it with us. The bonus is Kevin's delight at the end. It's worth a listen all by itself.

That's it. 3 quick tips. I sure don't need a paragraph to tell you about that.

I have heard that a lot, although those from whom I hear it usually put it as if they are already a real writer. They just haven't found the time to actually write. They say things like, "When I find the time, I'll get around to writing my novel." It's as if they already have a novel in them. They just need to get it written and sent off to the eager publisher who is just waiting for their best seller. Well, good for them. For me and many like me, it's just writing and hoping. Not even so much hoping since writing is too much fun to bother with improbable dreams. Please listen to see if you are cut out to be a real writer.

A short history of politics is a good perspective builder now and then. That's why I return to history and to ideas already considered. I think I keep hoping that the conclusion will change. Maybe this will be the time when reality actually matches what we were all taught in school. It just goes to show us that those history and government books we were required to read were more of a hope than on target learning for the world we actually live in. Go figure.