greetings friends, I nearly wasn’t able to complete this week’s episode after being diagnosed with a case of minor men’s whiplash acquired while reading the New York Times’ recent, “Is It OK To Use Your Phone On The Toilet?” article. Weirdly enough, I was not reading said think (?) piece on the toilet but instead an airport monorail that made an abrupt stop, hence the Joel Gertner signature neck brace that I’ll be sporting for the foreseeable future. On the bright side, this does open the doors to the paper of record considering other crucial questions, including but not limited to “can i use the same blanket as the dog?”, “do expiration dates really matter?” and the time honored quandary,”if the Exploited and Anti-Pasti* were both drowning and could only save one, which would it be?” (this is one for The Ethicist) We’ll get into (nearly) all of it on this week’s show. 

 * -trick question, everyone in Anti-Pasti is an accomplished swimmer, so they’d never need saving.

this week’s planned Goner Fest preview was scrapped at the last minute in favor of a two hour roundtable (pizza) discussion concerning the mooted mid 1990’s merger of eco-cult Zendik Farm with purveyor of delicious (albeit highly processed) baked goods Pepperidge Farm. Did it fall apart when the former’s patriarch, the late Wulf Zendik (above) learned the latter’s vaunted cheddar cheese goldfish in fact, contained no fish whatsoever? Or was the issue Pepperidge Farms upper management taking umbrage at Zendik’s insistence that all sexual contact had to be approved by committee? It’s A LOT to shift thru, especially when no one on the panel is old enough to remember any of it. Thankfully there’s a little bit of music here and there to compensate for the uninformed opinions and baseless speculation.

i’ve looked forward to the day I’d be able to do this program live from East Village Radio’s lovely 1st Avenue booth, however in light of recent events in the USA, I have implored station management for INCREASED SECURITY.  Not for everyone, necessarily, primarily for me.  I’ve come to understand that despite this show’s wild popularity, some of the views I routinely espouse (ie. liquor and cabaret licenses should be revoked for failure to post set times, the Dandy Warhols should be sent to outer space, etc.) are highly controversial.  Divisive, even.  So once again, this week's show comes to you from a remote location. Much as I would love to engage in open debate with the more hapless among you, once again you will have to settle for the ultimate in American free expression — a cis white guy yelling with a microphone.  Also, there’s a great story about blowing off a Torche show last week. It's a story, anyway

this week’s program comes to you from Wood Green where following a fascinating guided tour of guitarist Barry D'Amery’s birthplace/museum, we’ll discuss the disappointing, nah, shocking paucity of details on INFA RIOT’s wikipedia. How can an ensemble with such a rich and colorful historybe summed up in a mere two paragraphs? Is there really nothing to be said of the band’s ill-advised decision in 1984 to change their name to The Infas?  Are there no details — say, for instance, calls for a boycott if not outright shunning — following Infa Riot’s 2018 appearance in Tel Aviv?   We’re gonna get into ALL OF IT and more on this week’s incredible show but alas, we’ll not be hearing any Info Riot music.  It’s not for rights clearance issues, mind you,  I just don’t think they’re that great

he accompanying photograph is from an aborted IG account called ShaneandKaneOuttaContext. The problem is, I cannot possibly share such an arresting visual without providing some context. 

For the crap politician on the right, this is maybe the most (only?) relatable thing he’s ever done. For the Bill Simmons lookalike on the left, a man whose only marketable skill is his ability to fall from great heights, this was a grim reminder that running wild on the mean streets of Greenwich, CT will eventually have consequences, be they getting fucked out of the family business or being tortured by Glenn Jacobs and a car battery. 

None of this is really dealt with on this week’s show because it’s not really a visual medium.

The other day, an East Village Radio colleague played a  new recording by a band so derivative, so feckless, so utterly craven, so thoroughly lacking any musical or lyrical creativity that I knew I had to do something about it.  Except of course, there’s nothing I can do about it. Where I to name and shame this particular ensemble, I would almost certainly subject myself to accusation of bullying, or even worse, “gate-keeping”. 
 
 Putting aside how I’ve kept MANY records by Gate and that’s nothing to be ashamed of, I’m instead not going to take this lying down and will be launching a gofundme on this very episode in order to finance a time machine.  Once I’ve zapped myself back several decades, I can make some of the same terrible life choices the rest of you schmucks have surely made, ensuring I have zero notoriety or influence to speak of.  Then, I can freely take steps to eliminate the band in question (perhaps by hooking their parents-to-be up with more intelligent or attractive partners  — i think there’s multiple other movies I need to research).
 
 For those who’d call this an incredible personal sacrifice on my part, YOU’RE RIGHT.  I might not be the most unselfish person you know, but I bet I’m in the top 20. 
 
 (time machine art : The Masquerading Scientist) 

like many of you, I was confused, befuddled, even, when the Kennedy Centers Honors list was released earlier this month and BRAINBOMBS were included.  I mean, they’re Swedish.   OTOH, much of their subject matter would be right in line with the administration’s general worldview . As it turns out,  I, like many of you, had presumed these presentations were under the auspices of the John F. Kennedy Center For The Performing Arts, but in fact, this was for the OTHER Kennedy Center, ie. the one named for and curated by former MTV VJ-turned-Fox-News-fixture Kennedy.  So with that in mind, it’s not really much of an honor - it’s sort of like winning “Best New Jack Swing” in the Austin Music Awards.
 
 In the words of Charles K Wilson,  Lonnie Lee Simmons and Rudy Taylor, “first explosion turned out to be corrosion”.  I’ll try not to jump to conclusions next time. 

i hate to get personal on mornings it’s time to promote the radio show, but I received a rather devastating health diagnosis last week.  My doctor says if i do ONE MORE FAVOR for someone I barely know, I’m probably going to expire.   As it happens, I did just agree to do another favor and that’s writing the liner notes to the long-mooted SLAMBODIANS box set.  Trouble is, I did not read the fine print in my agreement with Light In The Car Sick Records and it seems I also have to personally assemble the box sets.  As you know, if there’s anything I am more allergic to than doing favors for people I barely know, it’s manual labor of any sort.  To make matters worse, my health care provider has an exemption clause that precludes any claims related to injuries suffered while assembling Slambodians box sets. There’s more details on this week’s show (too many, in fact)

the recent Sydney Sweeney / eugenics dog whistling campaign is not only deeply stupid, but sadly, brought to mind my ill-fated attempt several years ago to revive Sears Roebuck’s once-vaunted Toughskins brand. An expensive-to-produce television commercial featuring adolescents declaring “we’ve got really average to below average jeans” had to be scrapped following legal action from Kent, OH Oi revivalists who’d since claimed the Toughskins name. Though this was not the first or last time I’ve run afoul of someone adjacent to the Wheelchair Full Of Old Men media empire, it was probably the most costly. 

 My advice to the owners of American Eagle is simple : change the name of the company to American Beagle (EVERYONE LIKES BEAGLES) and license the Toughskins’ “Oingo Boingo Ain’t Oi” for the resulting campaign. Everyone’s a winner (except for perhaps, Danny Elfman).

i am presuming you are all caught up in the sorry tale of police harassment / judicial overreach that has seen a beloved american icon (ok, Chuck E. Cheese) hauled away on the most specious of charges. who amongst us at one time or another not inadvertently borrowed a credit card and run up some miscellaneous charges at a local smoke shop or tavern? Are these not-quite capital crimes justification for zip ties and shaming on the grandest of stages (ok, Daily Mail dot com)? I think not. instead, i would like to see many of you transported to an alternate universe where authoritarian goons are openly persecuted by 6 foot tall rodents that walk upright