strange times in show business for sure and while I’m not (at all convinced) Jason Whitlock-as-hitmaker is an upgrade on Anthony Fantano, I cannot plead ignorance that there’s been an astonishing amount of conversation squandered on the topic of Fudge Rounds and the People That Love Them. By contrast, not one fledgling troubadour has addressed the burning topic that is my local “FOODS OF THE WORLD” mart selling Hobnobs (TM) with no chocolate covering whatsoever. What is this new austerity bullshit? What sort of psychopath believes this is ok and how come there is no woodsy / i-just-got-these-overalls industry plant bemoaning the situation? I am resigned to the knowledge no-one-speaks-for-me (a solvent white american with no greater concern than the composition of imported biscuits) in this popular culture. It’s like the time George Will declared “I have seen the future of rock’n’roll and it’s name is Cock ESP” — he’d never been right before and he’s not been right since,

this week's program begins with a lengthy tribute to the late Ron Peno but around the mid-way mark becomes inexplicably bogged down in a panel discussion about where the 2003 staged stabbing of "Cheaters" host Joey Greco ranks on the all-time list of televised hoaxes (then becomes bogged down even further in a heated argument where this incident ranks on the all-time list times Joey Greco has been stabbed)

as you might’ve read over the last few days, nearly 10,000 people have agreed to legally change their name to “Subway” in exchange for a lifetime of Subway’s yoga-mats-for-bread sandwiches.  Putting aside for a moment no one has learned anything from the Rocket From The Crypt tattoo deal a few years ago,  Subway’s scheme is as unoriginal as it is nefarious  — I should know because I was paid a generous fee after advising Pennsylvania / WV chain Eat’n Park to introduce a similar offer several years ago.  Though only a handful of hungry persons took them up on the offer, we are now faced with the possibility of someone named Eat’n Park Subway essentially eating for free 24/7, 365 (until the yoga-mat bread takes it’s inevitable toll, anyway). 

if you’re like me (and I suspect a few of you are), you’ve had your fill with biopics / miniseries chronicling the pseudo-genius/pathological bullshit of modern times’ more notorious entrepreneurs.  Elisabeth Holmes, the jagbag from Uber, whoever invented the Blackberry, this fucking Beanie Baby movie (?!), you know THEY EVEN MADE A FILM ABOUT THE GUY WHO INVENTED THE INTERMITTENT WINDSHIELD WIPER.

I guess what I’m asking is, with all of these projects with questionable entertainment / educational value, why has no one attempted to get a film or series off the ground about the person responsible for THE DONUT HOLE.  I mean, fuck off Robert Oppenheimer, let’s talk about an innovation that actually benefitted humanity.  And if there’s some dispute over who was responsible / who gets the money, hey, even better. JUST ADDS TO THE LORE. It can be like “Melvin & Howard” for the modern age (even better if you can find a part for Mary Steenburgen somewhere, she’s great in everything)

This is always one of the more exciting weeks on the summer calendar as we approach THE REPROBATE TRADING DEADLINE ;  is your favorite franchise a buyer or seller?  Is it time to flip Sammytown for future prospects?  Might two contractual albatrosses be swapped for each other, say, Varg Vikernes straight up for John Hinckley Jr.?   Anyone who tells you they know exactly what’s gonna happen between now and next Tuesday is lying but baseless speculation really soaks up the time in a long show.  So join me, live from the offices of Scenic Promotions as we contemplate the most grim of stretch runs. 
 
 (above : war room celebrates the exchange of former Ministry guitarist Sin Quirin for a used copy of Neil Strauss’ ‘The Truth : An Uncomfortable Book About Relationships’)

I really hoped I could summon the self-control this week to refrain from comment on the topic below, but FFS you’ve all pushed me too far. I don’t want to hear one more word about the Spacehog documentary you just streamed. I don’t care about the first time you heard Spacehog, I don’t care about the first time you saw Spacehog, I don’t care about what you were doing and where you were when you learned Spacehog were done. I realize these thoughts put me at odds with popular sentiment but I simply do not care. Fuck Spacehog. And fuck you — unless we can talk about something else for once. I’m not kidding. I don’t wanna hear about Spacehog rarities. I don’t wanna know anything about THE FIFTH SPACEHOG.

As the arrears for unpaid Mixcloud and Soundcloud fees continue to pile up, I’ve had no choice to but to reach out to Keller Williams Realty CEO Gary Keller (shown above) looking for a BAIL OUT.  Gary has already lent his midas touch to such legendary establishments as the One World Theater and the Saxon Pub, so he’s a natural benefactor for The Radio Hour That Feels Like Two Hours.  While we’re still hashing out the paperwork (I’m told this week’s episode is meant to serve as an “audition” of sorts, so i’ve tried to tailor the repertoire to Gary’s tastes) I am fully prepared to relaunch as The Keller Willams Radio Hour That Feels Like Two Hours just as soon as the check clears. 

I am certain my friends, family and associates are a little tired of me claiming to be overworked / under appreciated and I must admit, there are occasions where I fail to set proper boundaries. In retrospect, when my close personal friend former NYC Mayor Bill De Blasio recently announced that HE’S A FREE AGENT, I probably should not have volunteered to launch his new online dating profile(s). I’m just trying to offer my vast expertise and it really isn’t my fault things are going poorly. I really thought pics of Bill eating pizza with a fork would serve to humanize him. I was certain that “what’s your favorite song from ‘Sandanista’?” was a great opening line. But that’s it, I’m done with this Cyranno bullshit. If you need help fashioning a new Adult Friend Finder entry, ASK SOMEBODY ELSE (preferably an adult. With friends)

The above image is a drone-captured photograph of the scene directly outside my studio this week as Central Texas temperatures approach the quadruple digits. There's only 3 more months of these conditions to endure and since it's very likely none of us are going to make it, this seemed like a great opportunity to debut the first ever release of DOLLAR GENERAL CHRISTIAN MARCLAY (ie. Mungo Jerry's "In The Summertime", played on 3 different speeds on 3 different turntables for 100 minutes) however there seems to be an issue with the song's publisher, Essex Music (ie. they've blocked my messages). As such, I've been forced to come up with an entirely new program on the fly. As always, THANKS FOR UNDERSTANDING

It’s a sad moment when an individual trades upon an iconic family name / legacy to amplify crackpot theories, but enough about Ripper Zbyszko (and condolences to the podcast bookers across the land who thought they were booking Ripper Owens).  This week’s episode is a two-hour salute to science and many of history’s greatest scientists (Gallileo Galilei, Marie Curie, George Washington Carver, Rosalind Franklin, Kim Salmon, Hopeton Overton Brown, etc.) and I am confident you’ll find it as educational and entertaining as I found it stimulating to produce. Ripper Zbyszko coming out in favor of a 4-day work week is not nearly enough to normalize his candidacy for anything, but if you disagree, please feel free to take it to the comments (where you’ll be summarily blocked until the end of time).