The Gift of Listening

Last week's column talked about the importance of nurturing our relationships on a regular basis, remembering that the "grass is always greener where we water it." We talked about three specific ways to strengthen any relationship: listening, expressing appreciation, and making time to play and have fun together. This week's column focuses on the gift of listening.

Listening is a skill that can be learned and developed, just like any other skill. With attention and intention, we can all become better listeners. In high school and college, we both remember how we attended several classes which focused on public speaking, but neither of us can recall a class that focused on being a better listener.

If we have any doubt about how valuable the gift of listening is, we only need to remember back to a time when someone extended the gift of deep, authentic listening to us. This may have been a time when someone listened not just to our words but the feelings beneath the words. How did that feel? Chances are, we felt like our spirits had been lifted, and both our well-being and our relationship with the person who offered us the gift of listening were both a bit greener due to this watering we were given.

Because we are marriage and family therapists, people reach out to us to talk about what's on their minds. During the pandemic, people have often said, "I don't expect you or anyone else to solve my challenges. And I don't need advice or superficial positivity. Mostly I just need someone to listen. I want to feel heard and understood." Don't we all long for this?

Valentines Day has come and gone, and the need to nurture and care for our relationships with our friends, families, colleagues, and neighbors remains. And one of the best ways any of us can do that is to offer others the simple gift of deep and authentic listening.

Making It Personal (We offer these prompts to help you listen more deeply to what emerges for you as you reflect on what you have read).

1. Are you aware of any habits that interfere with you being a good listener, such as interrupting, giving advice, being distracted by screens, or multitasking?
2. What's one thing you could do differently to be a better listener?
3. To whom might you work at being a better listener this week?