The Gnar Couch Podcast

Brace yourselves for what might just be the greatest mountain bike audio explosion your ears have ever experienced. Welcome to the Gnar Couch Podshow—not just your average podcast, but a podshow, which cranks up the gnar factor to epic proportions. It only makes sense that this will be the best thing you'll listen to, possibly ever. We've rolled out the questionably stained red carpet for an event Lance Canfield himself would dub a "high-brow" affair. (Long-time listeners will know just how much esteem he holds for our little broadcast.)

Join the stars of the TDS Enduro race—legends like Mark Weir, Cam McCaul, NormalMTBer, Ryan Beamish, Colon Bumb, Nick Dru, Calirado Kid, and many more as we dive into tales of hurling bags of gasoline into campfires, tackling women who ask for it, and the symbiosis of man, mushroom, and mastiff. Get the gritty details of getting knocked out in good-natured slap contests, racing drunk, and the fine art of lurking—err, uh "camping" near showers—all while you slave away as an underappreciated drone in your place of employment...or listen with the family...or however you pump this sonic excellence into your ear holes.

As if that isn't enough, an Aussie hits up the oral connections line, randomly blurting out syllables we can't really understand, but we really like, we think. Deano the XC Nerd educates all of us. And we briefly discuss the soothing scents of well-used saddles, as prompted by Slick Honey Soaked Cougar. Finally, Jimmy's Baiku inspires another nickname for the Jewish Gangster.

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Get top caps at The Dark Bike Company.

Check out the crazy deals at The Lost Co.

Half the crew is off to TDS Enduro in California, so we're droppin' a few old, crusty episodes this week. Specifically, the ones just prior to and the cause of our "cancellation" by "people we don't know."

This week, we're selling a fictional product called "Blackfist." Actually, Black Fist is real. You can find it pretty much anywhere porn is available, but our product isn't exactly what you think.

We journey into the wild craftsmanship of top caps by Dark Bike Co., something so finely made you'd swear it was forged in the fires of Mordor. Next, we're talking fingering strategies for those with glamour nails, and yes, a totally plausible business venture about turning semen into a snortable party favor. Hi Shark Tank.

Expect to get advice that’s as useful as a downhill bike in Bentonville, updates on Gnard Fest 2023 that are more anticipated than a Trailer Park Boys reunion special, and giveaways that might just make you feel like you've won a Golden Dicket to Willy Wanker's Chocolate Starfish Factory.

So, plug in, gather the family around the radio, and let's crank this together. It's going to be more fun than watching lesbian cat moms react/utilize to cucumbers on YouTube/OnlyFans. 

Join our Patreon for as little as $4.20/month.

Listen to all our podshows.

Get Bliz sunglasses 30% off with the code "sponchesmom"

Get top caps at The Dark Bike Company.

Check out the crazy deals at The Lost Co.

It's official. We live in a trailer. And that trailer needs a name. Thanks to you, our listeners, for the most appropriate and kind names for our rickety-ass trailer studio. Your great suggestions, like "Cum Bucket" and "Bussy Massage Clinic" were much appreciated. That's right, we've got zero chill and a fucked-up funny bone. Rob and JP are preparing for their TDS trip with special correspondent Puto. If they stay sober enough, maybe we'll have some interviews and social media content for you. Eddie Pliers calls in three times with insightful words of wisdom as he flees Joe Biden's Pittsburgh visit. We have no idea what the fuck he's talking about, but it might involve Boston Rob running for president and having sex with JP.  Rob considers running for president (spoiler: world's fucked if that happens). Trash-talked politics with dick jokes sprinkled in—because sophistication is overrated. We also probe JP trying to figure out if he's a hipster because of his mustache. Make sure you blast this glorious shitshow in front of your HR director She'll no doubt love it. Flip on, flip off, tune in. Fuck it, let's roll.

Listen to all our podshows.

Get Bliz sunglasses 30% off with the code "sponchesmom"

Get top caps at The Dark Bike Company.

Check out the crazy deals at The Lost Co.

Gnar Couch Podshow 157 is somewhere between our best and 157th worst show. Cumb with us as we discuss a plethora of important topics and sometimes talk about mountain biking to bore you.

We've dedicated ourselves to living our brand as we prepare to move the studio from Cheef's apartment, where his gay neighbor (geighbor, as it is) stomps around like Shrek all night, to JP's trailer. We're looking for a wrap sponsor so we can yank the thing around with Rob's Taco podcasting our high-brow humor in quaint bike towns across America.

Boston Rob is now lusting for sponsors like a teenager with his first Playboy. Wanna give us money? Hit him up. Or just check us out on Patreon. We take money any way we can get it.

That's probably why JP has a realistic sex doll named Miguel squatting in the back of his van. He estimates Miguel's weight at 150 pounds, 130 of which is most likely peen, according to Eddie Pliers, a long-time listener.

Other topics include self-anointing elk who piss all over themselves to attract a mate. Give it a try if you're having trouble getting laid. We also go in depth on whether or not it's possible to die choking on semen. (Guess what? It is, and it's reportedly happened.) And, since our tangents are about as stable as a unicycle on a tightrope, JP and Cheef randomly spend about five minutes trying to convince JP and Jimmy to actually start watching Trailer Park Boys.

So, pour yourself a bag of paint and prepare to breathe deep because this is another nonsensical shitshow you'll want to soon forget.

Join our Patreon for as little as $4.20/month.

Listen to all our podshows.

Get Bliz sunglasses 30% off with the code "sponchesmom"

Get top caps at The Dark Bike Company.

Check out the crazy deals at The Lost Co.

00:00 Oklahoma Blood: Stompin' Nachos.

Hey, bumb-lookers and therapy-needers, welcome to the unsanitized playground of banter we call the Gnar Couch Podshow, episode 156. We start this clusterfuck with Cheef using airtime to try to sell his bike. Classy.

Paying homage to true courage, we hear from Ryan Beamish and thefund.org, an organization that helps connect veterans with mountain biking and cares for our nation’s critically wounded, ill, and injured service members, veterans, and military families. Hear about their match campaign and all the cool shit they do for veterans. Meanwhile, Boston Rob’s flat (or fat?) feet keep him grounded, but his dreams still soar...kind of.

Get the lowdown on our spirited escapades at TDS, where the shenanigans are as plentiful as the dust clouds. Beamish, Boston Rob, JP, and Colon Bumb swap stories of mistaken identities, pizza mishaps, and why TDS is a Disneyland for dirtbags.

Experience bonding over handlebars as we revel in the therapeutic rush of mountain biking with our service members. And strap on your Bliz sunglasses as Cheef offers you protection from...well, we're still trying to figure that out.

We’ll also slip into the DMs of man love with a look at Cheef's favorite male yoga influencer, Flow.

Lastly, nestle into the fuzzy underbelly of mustaches and get philosophical over "pork swords." Confused? Good. You'll fit right in.

Listen to all our podshows.

Get Bliz sunglasses 30% off with the code "sponchesmom"

Get top caps at The Dark Bike Company.

Check out the crazy deals at The Lost Co.

00:00 "Wanna buy my bike? No discount, just sniff the saddle."

05:48 Stache love

14:55 Ryan Beamish and The Semper Fi Fund

27:19 Ryan's Story

32:40 Rowdy veteran MTBers

35:24 TDS Enduro race vibes

38:38 12 stages over 2 days

48:41 Colon Bumb's TDS experience as a vet working with Semper Fi Fund

50:30 Semper Fi Fund helps vets

59:35 thefund.org

01:00:18 Get your squad together, raise some cash, and watch it double

01:15:37 Mike Tyson vs. Jake Paul

01:21:00 Demon Core discussion

01:28:20 Sean Strickland vs Machine Gun Kelly

01:35:45 Great show

Yo, gnards! Get your bumbs ready because we're diving dick-deep into the tricky shitstorm of omnisexual allure, firing off opinions that are as frank as a nun in a brothel.

We're tearing into the gnar-gnar world of slopestyle and the performance gap between male and female athletes. Are we stoked or just stoking the flame?

Boston Rob experiences TP terror and JP and Cheef plot world domination with their own private army. We'll riff on everything from punk band pussies to why a Mormon militia might just be the shit.

Would you give Dean's Keen Unclean Peen Sauce a try? The only correct answer is yes. Never heard of it? That's because you can't buy it and we just named it. Thanks to Deano the XC Nerd for sending us a bottle. 

JP's angrometer spikes when we discuss the pretty much anything 2024 Crankworx Rotorua. His rant leaves him breathless and flustered, marking the first time this year he's actually gotten angrier than Jimmy.

Low-flying Apache helicopters in Salt Lake Valley send spiraling into fever dream stories that are about as stable as Gary Busey on rollerblades. And if this show isn't dumb enough yet, we discuss ass-cleaning tech because that's just who we are and that's who we care about.

Enjoy this riveting episode!

Listen to all our podshows.

Get Bliz sunglasses 30% off with the code "sponchesmom"

Get top caps at The Dark Bike Company.

Check out the crazy deals at The Lost Co.

00:00 Dealing with fucking ant invasion on toilet.

08:32 Feeling like a total dirtbag uncle, damn.

15:08 Midlife crises at 30 years old.

21:06 Be careful how you expose your kids.

26:14 Confrontation.

28:16 Thickening mustache.

35:42 Sexuality is a fucking complex and diverse thing.

41:37 Confused and frustrated, ready for confrontation.

44:27 Playing brass instruments requires skill and regulation.

51:23 Crafted with fucking crazy exotic fucking ingredients.

59:57 Trains fucking echo through the goddamn gorge.

01:04:14 We wake up and get the hell out!

01:09:29 I'll achieve my goals.

01:16:31 Red Bull Rampage gives out top-notch support.

01:17:00 Sponsors pay for events?

01:22:22 Not whining, but grinding. Earned that mill, hustling, not bitching. Sponsored himself, conquered.

01:29:06 Get 30% off at enjoywinter.com

01:35:54 Toilets with expansive mirrors offer a memorable experience.

01:42:24 Those sellout companies like Nike and Red Bull actually hook their athletes up with sick shit, like hyperbaric chambers for recovery.

01:45:21 A diverse and colorful cast of characters.

It's time to corrupt your eardrums with another idiotic episode of the Gnar Couch Podshow – bringing you a symphony of chaos sure to alert your pen 15. Boston Rob, JP, Jimmy Sniper, and Cheef here with the usual band of Zoom room rejects.

Buckle the fuck up for episode 154. It's a clusterfuck of cosmic proportions. We deep dive into the gibberish goldmine that is speaking in tongues and explore our listeners' desires for Cheef's clappin' cheeks. But that's not all. Deano the XC Nerd sends in a bottle of his homemade hot sauces. Does it include botulism? No one has died yet, but that could change. We also discuss one of the seven books he's written. He also calls in and drops knowledge on the Oral Connections line. We'd pay him since he gives us 90% of our content, but we don't make any money. Why the hell is a guy this smart listening anyway?

So, stay tuned, you beautiful bastards, ‘cause this episode of the Gnar Couch Podshow makes about as much sense as a homeless real estate agent. Let's get fucky.

Listen to all our podshows.

Get Bliz sunglasses 30% off with the code "sponchesmom"

Get top caps at The Dark Bike Company.

Check out the crazy deals at The Lost Co.

00:00 Cuntry intro.

06:53 Broke in Utah, but radio rich.

11:36 Stand up panel with brutal, funny acts.

21:42 Remo's update.

26:49 F**king tiny doses can kill a human. Damn.

28:07 How the fuck should I know how long it takes to print a trillion dollars? I'm just out here, trying to send butt pics and survive.

39:03 Loved gravel, but still gotta impress Rob.

44:21 Deano's book.

50:25 Degrowth capitalism conspiracy tease.

53:00 What is Kurtis Downs' name?

59:17 Shitty group chats with my southern friends.

01:06:12 GoPro interview idea for Eric.

01:10:21 Get badass shades from Bliz Eyewear.

01:14:33 Thanks to Mike Randall at The Lost Co.

01:18:53 Talking in tongues isn't real.

01:29:10 Rob's campsite is an outdoor hotel room.

01:32:54 Zoom room nonsense is the best way to end the show.

Back in the fall we were "hacked" by people "we don't know" and we lost a bunch of episodes. Well, we never actually lost the episodes. We still have every one, and we'll periodically post them from time to time. Here's the episode with R-Dog. It was awesome, unlike the "unknowns" who "hacked" us.

Prepare your fragile sensibilities because we've got special guest Ryan "R-Dog" Howard unleashing unfiltered truths and tossing out sass like dirty laundry in the dorm. We'll kick things off with a “heartwarming” stroll down cinematic memory lane discussing "Captain Phillips," only to be hijacked by Wilson—yeah, a bloody volleyball steals the show.

Naked chaos? Got it. Weiner jokes? Coming at you every damn week. Our Zoom room is no holy sanctuary; it’s more an unhinged, unsolicited nude-fest with a side of group showers. It’s not weird; it’s bonding, right? Or perhaps just a reminder that you should've taken that left turn at Albuquerque.

We're serving up our dysfunctional family dinner chat on beans, barbecues, and the quest for the Big O—because why the hell not blend food and sex in a chaotic orgy of conversation? Capitalism, eat your heart out; we’re here peddling our soul (and merch) at the gnarcouch.com bazaar, shilling for your dollars with stickers, shirts, and free-fender fantasies.

Between the technical glitches and tales of mountain biking majesty—with R-Dog dishing on the sanctity of not giving a rat’s ass about competition—we keep it as real as a kick to the shins. Speaking of reality checks, we’ve got group therapy sessions for past Rampage and Joyride atrocities and a shared moment of shame for anyone who ever thought big bike parks could buy happiness.

And because we're generous like that, we'll school you in the ways of the Gnar Couch skater, critique infield influencers, and thrill you with accounts of R-Dog’s infamous leg rehab saga—all while never deviating from our signature style: sarcasm so thick you could spread it on toast.

Finally, get ready for a sugar high of caffeine-fueled rants and the deep philosophical musings of whether "Anal and the Dishes" is a provocative track or the story of our lives. So, spike your helmets, crack open a cold one and join us for the descent into madness—Gnar Couch style. Let's roll out this shitshow! 🤘

00:00 Bobston Ross on the fucking ones and twos.

10:23 Like, who cares? We just film shit.

13:54 Riding crew and badass videos, shit's so sick.

18:12 Watched new world disorder, idolized two six.

23:03 We'd do your video

32:34 Guy gets jailed for being a real charmer.

35:35 Riding with gnarly dudes, totally outta my league.

40:17 First time meeting, wild party—then "I'm out."

45:39 Red Bull Ripoff

52:05 Got fucked up on the mountain, cool story bro.

59:55 Vale Mo screwed up Park City, no surprise.

52:05 Got fucked up on the mountain, cool story bro.

59:55 Vale Mo screwed up Park City, no surprise.

01:02:15 Rich assholes pissed off about popular bike trail.

01:06:59 Random dude helps out, gets stupid nicknames.

01:15:06 Tackling Tanner at Rampage

01:22:20 Buy Bliz sunglasses

01:26:46 Suggesting a fucking illustrated trail sex guide.

01:31:03 Mike Randall is the fucking bike whisperer.

01:39:14 Listened to all their shit, saw them shred live.

01:40:14 Renaissance Fair

01:46:56 Thanks to all the fucking patrons

Ah, the moment you've all been pretending to wait for—Gnar Couch Podshow Episode 153 is dropping, and it's about as stable as a two-legged chair tied to a downcountry bike. Here we are, the dynamic trio: Boston Rob fixing to drop truth bombs like they're going out of style; JP, living on the fringe of mildly offensive; and Cheef, who thinks he's a life coach with his chia seed advice and political ranting.

Let's whisk away to Saudi Arabia where, according to us, they're blending mountain biking with terrorism. 

We give Pinkbike some chatter, then instantly regret it.

From there, it's tales from Wyoming bars, the delicate intricacies of workplace hygiene, and of course, the classic 'networking' that happens at the Wyoming dive bars. We’re Renaissance men, really.

Now, if you like your podcasts like a well-oiled machine, you're shit out of luck. Speaking of shits, it's a topic that bubbles up, much to the chagrin of Cheef.

Remember, if you’re at all offended, it's not us, it’s you. 

Listen to all our podshows.

Get Bliz sunglasses 30% off with the code "sponchesmom"

Get top caps at The Dark Bike Company.

Check out the crazy deals at The Lost Co.

00:00 Tune your car properly to avoid backfiring.

07:34 Confusing AF convo, badass Jimmy impression though.

12:10 Jimmy thinks he hears voices, obsesses about gunshots.

21:31 Fazari's comment ignites shitstorm on biking site.

26:24 Canyon Bicycles paid a shitload to rebrand.

32:55 Analyzed Instagram page, found mostly real followers.

39:16 Podcast host fucking loves talking about cholera.

42:03 I'm in the damn hospital, and shit's happening.

47:25 Hate the anti-college bullshit. Blue-collar pride!

53:42 Spy pics of Ryan Rodriguez on new e-bike, bitches!

58:20 Wannabe Phil Mickelson raking in millions, no sweat.

01:02:20 Opposing sports funding, criticizing governments worldwide. Deal?

01:12:38 Let's fucking start the free music ride.

01:18:34 Join for as low as $4.20/month. Be a nardlet with us, damn it!

01:21:53 Coffee shop mix-up: almost got effed over.

Ah, here we go again, another awe-inspiring episode of the Gnar Couch Podshow with Cheef, JP, Jimmy Sniper, and Boston Rob (especially) coming at you like a fart in a fan factory. 

Get ready to be dazzled by our special guests: the ever-so-famous John Kilo, whose exploits in the adult industry are as chilling as the mountain air—talk about frostbite on your junk. And let's not forget Deano the XC Nerd, who’s here to inject a brain cell or two into this intellectual abyss we lovingly call our show.

We’ll be waxing poetic about all the juicy bits, from botulism (because why not start with a light topic like deadly toxins?) to the intricacies of indoor cycling and outdoor... other activities. Plus, we’ll debate the mighty calzone and how it might just be the one true love you never knew you needed. Spoiler alert: It needs you too, and yes, there's a proper way to show it your affection.

What's that? You want to hear more about the award-winning performances? Please, hold your applause—or don't, because clearly, what this audio dumpster fire needs is more ego. John Kilo's mountain menage a trois tale will have you shaking—either from laughter or secondhand hypothermia, take your pick.

Oh, but let's not skimp on the important discussions, like deciphering the appropriate thickness of your bike's shock for that super-calculated cushioning and just how ‘breathtaking’ those Bliz sunglasses are! They’ll shield your eyes from the sheer brilliance of our content. Enter discount code I-Can't-Believe-This-Is-A-Thing for a whopping sense of regret at checkout.

Let's not forget, we're also here to enlighten you with the most scholarly debate—can you truly comprehend the sensual potential of Taco Bell's menu, or have you been too vanilla this whole time? Your third eye is about to open, folks.

And of course, we've got John Kilo's not-safe-for-anywhere vids. Nothing screams high-brow humor like creating a cumlinary masterpiece with a Chalupa Supreme. It's art, people. Look it up.

Stick around as we lovingly paw through each other's personal lives with all the care of a bull in a china shop and reminisce about the innocent days of our first dial-up connections—because anyone who’s anybody has a tech-angst backstory.

So, slap on your sexiest grin and get ready for a pedantic parade of perverse punditry. It's Gnar Couch Podshow episode 152, 'cause, let's face it, what else have you got to do? Listen in, or don't—whatever. But really, do. It’s going to be fucking spectacular...ly average. Here we go!

Listen to all our podshows.

Get Bliz sunglasses 30% off with the code "sponchesmom"

Get top caps at The Dark Bike Company.

Check out the crazy deals at The Lost Co.

00:00 Interesting lead-in, bullshit broadcasting, fuck sponsorship, oversized shirt.

10:48 Homemade hot sauce can fucking cause botulism.

14:45 Asking for a fucking stiffer fork spring.

21:49 Mike was a bike badass, check losco.com. Cool shit.

26:53 She thought he was normal but fucking out there.

32:22 Exclusive porn environment: where fucking badly excels.

36:12 I maintain a versatile and fucking surprising persona.

42:16 "Reviewing Taco Bell's Meatless Fucking Menu Items"

46:10 Earning cash from Pornhub and OnlyFans subscriptions.

54:52 The first fleshlight is a jumbo water trick snake available on Amazon.com 1229. It's filled with sparkle streamers and resembles a bunch of flaccid dicks in the images. It measures two inches wide and five inches tall—a perfect size.

59:04 Reaching out for condom sponsor, food fucking.

01:04:50 Fucking love it, gotta fucking talk about it.

01:09:32 Differences in tortillas lead to risky dick jokes.

01:12:46 Hesitant to try raw meat in videos.

01:21:05 Sex work pressure to fuck a fan.

01:25:23 Fucking tedious, switching camera angles mid-sex.

01:30:53 Jimmy has fucking blizz on his goddamn face.

01:35:53 Biking, Boston, and a question for John.

01:45:27 We have a damn Patreon. Give us your fucking money if you want. We need it to cover our damn server costs and subscriptions. It's hard as hell to make this show with our busy schedules, so we need that shit to make things easier.

01:47:07 Contribute as little as $4.20 monthly!