The Grass is Greener Where We Water It

With Valentine's Day approaching, it is only natural to reflect on the relationships in our lives, and not just romantic relationships, but on all of our life-nurturing connections. As marriage and family therapists, we talk with people regularly about repairing and strengthening their connections with others, and we know that few things impact the quality of our lives more than the health of our relationships.

One of our favorite sayings about relationships is the quote above, "The grass is always greener where we water it." The wisdom of this saying is that we are wise not to focus on finding greener pastures somewhere else, but instead to nurture and grow the vitality of the relationships we already have. This wisdom applies to caring for all areas of our lives, including our spiritual lives, the work we do in the world, caring for our bodies, as well as our actual gardens! Because like a garden, all relationships require regular watering and attention.

Here are three concrete ways we know water our connections with others. As you read these, you might find yourself thinking about a specific relationship that you would like to water right now.

These three ideas are quite simple yet essential in maintaining healthy, long-term relationships. The simple act of doing these three things on a regular basis will have a profound positive effect on any and all of our relationships.

The first is to show regular appreciation for and to the people we care about. No one has probably ever been wrong when they have said, "I sometimes take you and what you do for granted and don't tell you enough how much I appreciate you." Don't just take our word about the power of appreciation. Try it today with someone and notice the immediate effect it has.

A second thing we can do to strengthen our connection with others is to be better listeners. On the weekly podcast that is a companion to this column, Holly tells a beautiful story of a time when her grandparents offered her a timely gift of listening when she was working as a student-teacher back in college. Even though this experience happened over forty years ago, you can tell when you listen to her talk about it just how important that gift of listening was for her, and how lovingly she still remembers it. Listening means that much to us.

Our last suggestion for watering our relationship is to remember the importance of having fun together. Play is not a nice "extra" in a relationship, but is essential to keeping relationships energized. Recreation is another word for play. We like to think of the word as "re-creation." Every relationship we have created in our lives will benefit from intentional times of "re-creation" and reconnecting.

As we said, each of these three ideas is so simple, even obvious. What is not so simple is remembering to make them a regular habit. Good for you if these are already regular habits in your close relationships. If not, there is no time like today to make a new start, remembering that the grass is always greener where we water it.

Making It Personal Questions:

1. Is there someone, in particular, to whom you want to express more appreciation right now? How will you do that?
2. Is there someone to whom you want to more fully offer the gift of listening? When and how will you offer that gift?
3. What kind of fun activity might you want to plan with a family member or friend in the next week or so that would create positive and re-creative energy?