The Greater Us Podcast

This is part 2 of my conversation with Dr. Haley Sparks, the founder of Ease and Enjoyment Coaching.

If you haven’t listened to part 1, it’s the one just before this. I’ve experienced Haley’s work in quite powerful ways, and think it is important medicine for the world at this time. I invited her to speak to me on here – not just because I love speaking with her– but also because of the overlap with my own commitments, which is supporting people and groups in showing up as they most want to be in the world, which we get into more in this episode.

You can learn more about her work at https://easeenjoyment.com.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit thegreaterus.substack.com

I’m excited to introduce you today to Dr. Haley Sparks, with whom I’ve had the privilege of working in a number of settings. Haley is a psychologist who has done powerful work, including starting a practice called Ease and Enjoyment Coaching, based on a set of methodologies that she developed and whose power I’ve seen firsthand.

This is another two-part conversation. In this first episode I speak with Haley about what brought her to this work and in the second, we talk more about ease and enjoyment coaching– what it is, why it’s important, and how she works.

Just a heads up - in this episode Haley talks about the early loss of a parent, including mentioning the accident in which it happened about 15 minutes in.

You can learn more about Haley’s work at easeenjoyment.com.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit thegreaterus.substack.com

This is the second part of my conversation with psychologist and sleep medicine specialist Dr. Elaine Boland, who also happens to be an old friend of mine. In the previous episode, we talked about strategies for getting rest during periods of heightened stress. In this one we talk more about the relationship between sleep and anxiety.

Note again that the content of this episode is for informational and educational purposes and does not constitute professional medical advice. Please consult a qualified healthcare professional for any medical questions.

Some resources from Dr. Boland:

National Sleep Foundation - Nonprofit association dedicated to improving sleep health and education

Anxiety and Depression Association of America - Educational resource with provider database

CBT-I Directory - International Listing of CBT-I Providers

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit thegreaterus.substack.com

I'm excited to welcome psychologist and board-certified sleep specialist Dr. Elaine Boland, who has worked as an academic researcher at the University of Pennsylvania as well as as a researcher and clinician at the VA.

Elaine is a longtime friend and someone whose insights I've always appreciated. I recently asked her what she might offer to people who are experiencing elevated levels of anxiety and stress in response to the severe uncertainty, unpredictability, and for many people, precariousness of the current moment.

In this conversation we discuss how she thinks about sleep during periods of heightened stress and anxiety, as well as how she thinks about anxiety more broadly and some strategies for working with it.

Please note that the content of this episode is for informational and educational purposes only and should not be taken as medical advice. Because each person’s circumstances are unique, please consult a healthcare professional for any medical questions.

In part 2, Elaine and I talk more about anxiety, and she offers some useful frameworks for understanding the relationship between anxiety and sleep.

Some resources from Dr. Boland:

National Sleep Foundation - Nonprofit association dedicated to improving sleep health and education

Anxiety and Depression Association of America - Educational resource with provider database

CBT-I Directory - International Listing of CBT-I Providers

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit thegreaterus.substack.com

A question that I've been thinking a lot about lately is who, or what, gets my power. In this episode I talk about how that question is relevant to equity work, and also more broadly in the period of turmoil and uncertainty that we’re in now, at the end of 2024.

The question is, to what extent do you need other people to change before you are okay? Do you need them to be different before you can be okay? and if that is the case, are you alright with giving them that much power?

A link to the artwork I referenced in the episode.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit thegreaterus.substack.com

Trigger warnings were the subject of a big debate a few years ago. And as the debate happened, people seemed to fall into one of two camps.

At one extreme, people were overly cautious with them giving trigger warnings about almost anything they were bringing up-- to do with oppression, with discrimination, as well as things you might expect. At the other, there was a view that this is real life, people should be able to deal. Unsurprisingly, a lot of this fell along partisan lines.

The summation of my thoughts about this is: don't be a jerk. It’s that simple. Give people a heads up, especially about certain topics.

And, at the same time, it’s not really possible to manage people’s triggers for them, because traumatic memory is a very complex thing. Listen to learn more.

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In any group setting, moments of tension can arise when someone says something offensive. These "hot moments" often involve issues of power and oppression. As a leader or participant in these spaces, how should you respond when this happens? Should you intervene right away? What if the offensive comment doesn’t directly affect you but may hurt others in the group?

The answer, as is often the case in complex situations, is: it depends.

Every scenario is unique, with factors like group dynamics, hierarchy, and the duration of the group's interaction playing a key role. While there isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution, there are practical strategies that can reduce the intensity of these hot moments or prevent them from escalating.

Listen to the audio version of this post here or find The Greater Us wherever you get your podcasts!

Understanding Hot Moments Beyond the Flashpoint

Initially, many people think of hot moments as spontaneous incidents—someone says something hurtful in a brief, one-off meeting, for instance. But more often, these moments happen in established group settings, where people have ongoing relationships, like a semester-long class, a workplace team, or a faith community. These moments aren’t discrete; they are shaped by the existing “container” or culture of the group.

In these settings, what happens before and after the hot moment is just as important as the moment itself. The environment, group dynamics, and leadership all play a huge role in whether these moments lead to growth or division.

Silence Isn’t Neutral

One key point to emphasize, particularly for leaders, is that silence in the face of harm equals endorsement. If someone in a position of power—such as a manager, seminar leader, or group facilitator—hears a harmful comment and says nothing, the message is clear: what was said is acceptable. This can create an unsafe environment for those who were harmed by the comment. So, intervention from those with authority is crucial.

How to Intervene in Hot Moments

The nature of the intervention depends on the group and its structure. In a short-term group with no ongoing relationships, a boundary might be set quickly. For example, saying, “I’m sorry, that term you used is actually a slur, and I'm going to ask you not to say that here,” or even, “We’re getting off-topic, so let’s redirect.”

In groups with more established relationships, intervention could look different. For instance, you might express discomfort without directly challenging the person who made the comment. Saying, “What just happened made me uncomfortable, and I’d like to talk about that,” can open the door for dialogue.

Even if you’re not in a leadership position, speaking up is still important. Acknowledging that something harmful occurred can help the group address the issue rather than sweeping it under the rug.

Building Group Agreements to Get Out in Front of Hot Moments

One powerful and proactive approach to minimizing hot moments is creating clear group agreements or ground rules for engagement. This is especially useful in classrooms, workplaces, and other settings where people will be interacting regularly. These guidelines help set expectations and create a culture of respect from the start.

Another key factor is relationship-building. When group members have strong, positive relationships, they’re more likely to engage in repair processes after a conflict. If someone says something hurtful but we have a good relationship, I’m more inclined to address the issue in a constructive way rather than letting it fester, or putting distance between me and that person.

Navigating Allyship and Support

Allyship in these moments often extends beyond the immediate situation. After a hot moment, checking in with the person who was harmed can be powerful. You might ask, “I noticed what happened earlier—how can I support you?” or, “If this happens again, what do you want me to do?”

This requires trust and ongoing relationship-building, but it’s an essential part of creating a more inclusive environment where everyone feels safe and supported.

The Bigger Picture: Shifting Group Dynamics

At its core, our work is about helping groups and organizations create inclusive spaces that support people from diverse backgrounds and identities. One major barrier to this is the widespread aversion to conflict. Too often, uncomfortable moments are glossed over, which can lead to deeper issues—people leaving the group, or the group itself falling apart.

Repairing harm is an essential skill for leaders and group members alike. But even more important is creating an environment where these moments occur less frequently and are less charged when they do happen.

If you want to speak more about handling difficult moments or building inclusive group cultures, please get in touch!

Thank you for reading, and please follow us on Substack to be notified about new posts and podcast episodes!

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This episode is inspired by one of the most popular posts on our blog, which is titled “The Problem with Assume Best Intentions.”

The more that I engage in this work the more I think of it as being about supporting people in showing up the way that they want to-- in the world, with one another, and as groups and organizations. How do we live into our best intentions for who we want to be? There is a lot to talk about around this. Assume best intentions is a group agreement, community norm, or conversational guardrail-- part of a set of ground rules for conversation or how people agree to be with one another in a given space.

And, it’s incomplete. When we're talking about working toward more inclusive, authentic spaces, deepening relationships, and fostering and building trust, accountability for impact is key.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit thegreaterus.substack.com

This is the fifth and final part of our short series about trauma-informed self care.

And today I am going to talk about context and community-- first their relationship to trauma, and then how cultivating connection, reconnection, and community is a vital strategy for staying in the work. In the last episode I talked about how the precursor to developing post-traumatic symptoms is frequently the presence of fear plus helplessness. Here I want to highlight another aspect-- trauma as an experience of alienation and disconnection, especially when we're talking about human -caused harm or disaster. It is often an experience of rupture, separation, and disillusionment.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit thegreaterus.substack.com

This is the fourth part of our short series about trauma-informed self care.

In the last few of episodes we talked about cultivating a reset space, and about monitoring our intake. I talked to you about the metaphors that I think with, including treating engaging with vicariously traumatizing material like it is a low-dose poison or radioactive.

This episode is about what we do-- how we act back on the world, in our environments, for ourselves, and out in the world. It is about agency- the ability to exert influence or make an impact.

Especially now, when there is so much going on-- what does agency look like? What does taking action or doing something look like? What moves do you have available to you?

Fear can paralyze, but remember you are not helpless. Your presence might be a vast improvement on a situation. Even reaching out and checking on people in moments like this can help.

Listen for more strategies, and connect with us on Substack at The Greater Us.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit thegreaterus.substack.com