This one almost didn't make the cut folks. It starts on a high horse. War Movies, Sniper Movies and Bad Trash Collectors make The Hate Napkin. Carla from Burt Korn has a good neighbor who brings her garbage to the city government who refused her refuse in the first place.

Fortune Cookies are delightful, and for some reason it is a bit on a show that is supposed to be a show about hate.

The sound guy dumps on the first ever planned bit, and Carla calls what it is, a Hangry moment.

Arik is happy Paulie is at the kids table and Arik makes an unfounded claim that no one wears black caps. He's being a real pair of Hanes, but at least this one is short.

One of our only listeners remembers the days when you plugged in a printer and it worked. Now he is downloading an updated printer application, syncing his life history and sharing his printing habits with Big Tech and the Illuminati.

And the printer still doesn't work.

The audio engineer is lit up like a flashing service button and proceeds to unload on all things in the Monopoly game of The Internet Of Things.

Public nose-picking some how dogged The Hate Napkin like an elusive burger in the corner of your nose canal, and it finally makes the napkin instead of being flicked on the wall.

Carla shares things can get much worse inside cars when people think they are invisible and even more disgusting when the heat of a frialator seeps inside your drive-thru service crotch area. Don't smell the bag or take it, and The Hate Napkin is open 24/7 thanks to the depths humanity's fingers are willing to go.

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We are off to a punny start. You can't make an omelet with out cracking a few Elon jokes. Arik wants to be impaled in the mountains and this brings us to Mouse Viagra.

Fortunately, his daughter saves us from kickstand puns, and not everything is a metaphor for sex says he who ends every episode in the annals.

Vegetation can get snagged when erect and we are still one foot into last episode.

Arik wants to go with the flow until his daughter takes over.

The meat-eaters hate vegans, and then they go into men's lack of maturity.

Daddy is embarrassing his daughter with fitness weight loss pics, but it sounds like she may be a little proud of him. However, enough with the crack around the house.

Welcome to the worst rated podcast. Carla starts us off in the penalty box. Folks, we don't do religion or politics. However, poop and pee are always on the coffee table. Was that a whataboutism?

Guns are penis extensions, for the record.

Arik is worried about some random dude who went from the stall to the urinal. This leads to the lack of handwashing and Carla has washed her hands of it.

Arik is in rare form and callbacks become bot-automatic. Fake like or subscribe as all we got are Nicki and Robert.

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Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, leads off the show with a sign language howdy-doody Avignon feathered-finger salute. And they’re off!

Co-host Arik is lost at sea seething. He’s annoyed by the tamper-proof liners on food containers. For some reason, he thinks they need to remain on the product as some sort of freshener/crisper. He jumps for joy when he realizes he’s been wrong all these years: “They can just be tossed? No more nasty foil prophylactic on my food? I can’t wait to start rough riding the fridge!”

THN PSA: Carla swoops in with a reminder that it is also perfectly legal to remove the tags from your mattresses.

Sound engineer Pauly from Bali pushes forward to the front of the lambast line: “I hate 5 wipers.”

Um, we’re just going to let that one drop.

Except, this is The Hate Napkin. We never let anything go. Before you know it, we’re chatting about elephants going potty on National Geo documentaries. Then, the age-old debate: Baby Wipes or Bidets?

What’s not to love—I mean, hate?

Carla’s war with Burnt Korn Waste Management continues. This week, the garbagemen refused to collect her trash—whereupon, a large wind blew her trash into the street. Whereupon, Burnt Korn’s finest arrived to her residence to interrogate her about said trash in the street. Whereupon, Carla was required to produce video evidence of the garbage truck skipping her house. Whereupon, the street was temporarily closed by said police, and the garbage folks were required to walk about, picking up the mess. Whereupon, justice!

Finally, Arik is tired of gym attire. “Listen, I don’t want to see your nipples and side boobs in the corner of my eye while I’m bench-pressing. I mean, if you’re a man.”

p.s. Moose Knuckles.

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Happy New Year! 

The calendar begins anew—as does our hate. After all, who doesn’t feel like pulling hair from their pate after listening to drunk revelers quack out “Auld Lang Syne” over and over? 

Hey, how come Sound Engineer Pauly from Bali keeps playing with his mike head? What’s wrong with the big fat tip of your mike? Pauly, why are you rubbing your mike cap with your hand like two ocean bed tubers making out? 

This just in! The Hate Napkin has reached Top 50 Podcast Status in the Mid-Atlantic Region Among the Middle School Male Demographic! 

Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, reaches deep into the THN Mailbag and produces a klepto-Xmas gift exchange lamentation that’s enough to reduce the Grinch to tears. No, seriously, if there was ever a reason for a mother-in-law to get run over by a reindeer, this anonymous listener has one! 

Co-host Arik is tired of being a “girlfriend with a dick” to all the women he’s interested in. Actually, he admits, he has no one to blame but himself—which kind of means he hates himself. “Finally!” Pauly weighs in. “Something we can all agree on!”  

Needless to say, Arik doesn’t stop there. Apparently the trade-off for sobriety are more boring “daddy but no sugar” dating stories by our waxing-long co-host. 

Carla hasn’t gone to sleep since last year—due to the hellfire of last night’s private fireworks displays in Burnt Korn, where, authorities are reporting, only two percent of the adult population this year lost digits due to holiday idiocy. That’s down several percentage points from the previous New Year’s. 

Finally, Pauly spends the rest of the episode ranting about Google. He recently quit all-things Google for blah-blah-blah reasons. Who knows? Maybe he’s got a legitimate beef about Big Tech.  

Meanwhile, you can listen to The Hate Napkin on all popular podcast websites and apps, including Google Podcasts! 

THN PSA: “Calves don’t come out of anuses.” 

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EPISODE 72 SYNOPSIS 

The Gratuitous Ghost of Gilbert Gottfried Returns 

Folks, it’s a “smoke a cigarette afterwards” cool-as-a-cucumber kind of episode. 

Co-host Arik opens the show with something nice to say about his current state of residence, South Carolina: “Well, at least it’s not the Pacific Garbage Patch.”  

Then again, he could be stuck in Burnt Korn, Alabama, with our special guest, Carla. Things in Alabama are so bad, all the color has been sucked out. (Check it out on YouTube!) 

Usually sound engineer Seaman Drains—I mean, Pauly from Bali—gets the hate sloppy seconds, but he kicks off the show with a tale of his recent trip to Florida to visit his ill father. The family decided to have a movie night—EXCEPT no one considered the fact that ailing pops might not be in the mood, with all his children and grandchildren gathered about, to watch a graphic sex scene.  

“Haven’t we reached the point, where if you need to watch two or more people getting it on, just go surf some porn? It’s time to eliminate ‘squeal like a pig’ ass spanking from Hollywood. I mean, this scene was in a period piece!” 

Not that we’re prudes, but what’s the NC-17 rating for, if not for a period piece film that shows an anal rape scene over and over from every character’s point of view? 

Meanwhile, Arik discusses the difference between bestiaries and bestiality, while Pauly spends a half hour downloading a photo Carla wants to share. Boy oh boy, this is one photo worth the wait: 

“DO NOT CLICK BUTTONS WITH GENITALIA.” 

Tune in to find out more! (Cameras are watching.) 

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EPISODE 71 SYNOPSIS 

Bubbles the Colectomy Clown Woks the Dog 

Just remember: We’re professional haters. Don’t try this at home.  

Also, we might be “sniggling, small, solace-less creatures,” but we’re the experts you come to in a loathing pinch. Then again, some listeners are a little less than satisfied with the services we offer. “If I saw you in person, I would slap your vain, self-absorbed faces. F off and die, you complete and total—!” 

Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, is quick to note that at least you can’t attach a pipe bomb to fan mail. 

Sound engineer Pauly from Bali gets us back on track with a happy memory, of sorts. A few years back, when his dear madre had her colon removed, he hired Bubbles the Clown to show up in the hospital and hand out colorectal balloons to all the patients on the floor. Folks, hate or love, it’s all in the delivery. 

Speaking of colons… Co-host Arik has a beef with the English language: “People need to stop using the word FOR so loosely.” He points to a local hospital butterfly release event “FOR” colon cancer. “Why can’t we just say butterflies AGAINST colon cancer. And I have to wonder about holding insects against their will so that their beauty can bring awareness to a diseased human orifice.” 

Also, it’s Pauly’s birthday. He’s sick and tired of birthday cake. “It’s cake FOR colon cancer. And I don’t want anal cancer for my birthday, thank you. Honestly, can’t we think of anything better to stick a lit candle in to celebrate me?” 

Eventually, Team THN gets to the heart of the matter. Here’s the deal. It’s SOMEONE ELSE’S birthday. So why not ask Diabetic Dan if there’s a treat he would like to celebrate this special moment that won’t land him in a hospital with Bubbles the Colectomy Clown trying to extract a lodestone of icing from his GI tract.  

Finally, Arik ponders the mysteries of modern medicine. “Isn’t the colon a hole? I mean, how does one remove a hole?” 

Carla heads online: “Here, I found a YouTube DIY video. Apparently all you need is some balloons, heavy cream and a world-class health insurance plan.” 

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EPISODE 70 SYNOPSIS 

The WAP Café—Plus, Carla’s Pussy Stalks a Stinger! 

Co-host Arik poses the following question: “Can’t we all agree that an igloo is a pretty stupid place to put a glory hole?” 

Folks, it’s all downhill from there. 

Arik’s credit card was recently used fraudulently for a membership to an Innuit porn site. In order to make a fraud report with the bank, he had to wait on-hold for 30 minutes to the hair-pulling-annoying background sound of marimba music—only to be ultimately informed that the department was closed for the day. “By the end, I was ready to suffocate cancer babies!” 

Sound engineer Pauly from Bali has also been under aural attack, of late. Every time he goes into a quiet café in Ho Chi Minh City, the polite, hospitality-minded foreigners blast loud American music in an effort to make him feel at home. “It’s annoying as hell, but what’s funny is when they play these raunchy sex rap songs, totally ignorant of the lyrics. ‘You like?’ ‘Yes, yes, I just LOVE wet ass pussy!’” 

Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, is fed up with airline in-flight rage. This week, a passenger attacked a flight attendant for the refusal to use a first-class bathroom. Of course, the irony is that said assailant had to spend the rest of the flight zip-tied and duct-taped to his seat, yet still needed to go number two. 

Arik’s solution: “Sir, if you don’t like our policy, we invite you to open up the emergency exit door and leave. But, seriously, I think everyone would calm down a bit if flight attendants just started showing a bit more cleavage. This applies to the men, too. Show off that chest hair, boys. And, pilots, why don’t you come on out halfway through the flight and put on a little Chippendales show.” 

Also, Carla recounts an encounter with a racist couple on a former flight. And Arik shares why he’ll never fly Haitian Air again: “There’s nothing quite like the sound of a plane engine stopping when all you can see out the window is ocean.” 

Finally, Carla’s pussy tracks a stinger! 

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Flushing Andy Rooney’s Bleeding Fuzzy Wuzzies 

Hey, folks! Somehow the antepenultimate worst-rated podcast in the nation made it all the way to Episode 69 without getting cancelled! And how should we celebrate Magic 69? Why, with a little upside-down, titillating, tongue-tingling hate, of course! 

Christmas came early this year for our special guest, Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama. Our super fan, Inga from Germany, sent Carla an amazing coffee mug: “SORRY FOR HAVING FABULOUS TA-TAS AND BEING RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING—AS IF THAT’S MY FAULT.” 

Now, reaching into the THN hate mailbag. Ah, the “Sovereign Citizen,” that Unabomber wannabe dope, invariably named Leroy, who lives just down the street from everyone, who thinks all laws derive from a clay tablet stuck up Charlamagne’s ass, and who makes it impossible for anyone within his vicinity to lead a normal life. Thanks, Ryan from Rural Ohio, for asking our advice on the matter. Well, as summary execution isn’t really an option, we recommend hating Leroy with all your big, wide Midwestern heart. 

Co-host Arik is in the midst of an epic Health Recovery Journey. He’s lost nearly 70 pounds the past few months. That said, there are a few things worthy of hatred at the nearby gym. Number one, do NOT use the hand drier to dry off your sweaty junk. Yes, that happens. Two: do NOT pop your zits at the communal sink. Three: Do NOT leave a manscaping suicide blood trail from the shower to the locker. 

Then, of course, there’s the Sovereign Citizen take on the matter. “According to King Arthur common law, if you’re so fat that your panus covers your genitalia, you don’t even need to wear shorts in the weight room.” 

Finally, Sound engineer Pauly from Bali is tired of poor toilet etiquette. “People, follow the Tidy Bowl Golden Rule! Deuce unto others as you would have others deuce unto you.” 

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