The 'Hell in a Handcart' Interactive Podcast

Do you remember the big events of 2009? Or anything that happened? Well Gary devised a quiz, just a simple little quiz, to test Patrick and I on our knowledge of the years events. We knew nothing. Well that's not quite true, Patrick knew about Jedward and answered most questions with them, I remembered there was an expenses scandal, and we both did know that Michael Jackson died. So listen to our pathetic attempts at answering the questions and have a good laugh. I shall cancel my audition for Mastermind. Cheers and lets hope 2010 is a splendid year.

Well bloody typical, London's weather was like Russia in the weeks before Christmas, but do we get a white Christmas? No, the snow didn't even have the decency to lay about. It sarcastically melted away. Anyhow it managed to cause chaos on the Eurostar when people were trapped overnight in the tunnel (how scary is that?) Gary thinks it's a conspiracy, won't believe five trains would break down in the tunnel at once, or that the air could be too cold for them. However he is unable to tell me why there would be a Eurostar conspiracy, or even who would perpetrate such a thing. I shall give him time. Patrick thinks the World Went to Hell in a Handcart when Love Actually was released and acclaimed as a good film. However, as we know, Patrick is allergic to oestrogen. Anyhow, he can't talk, he has seen Titanic at least seven times, Meanwhile in yet another money wasted on spurious academic research scandal, academics in Australia are saying that Santa is a bad example to children and encourages obesity and alcoholism. Of course Santa Claus is the only person or character who has ever influenced children in any way at all. We think you need to leave celery and mineral water out for him in the future. That will mean a trim fit Santa next year, how fun is that?

We do think that everything went to Hell in a Handcart when more and more beeping sounds and flashing lights came into our lives. Now you may well press the wrong key on your keyboard, or make an error, but the computer can’t just politely put a message on the screen, oh no, it has to rudely beep at you. It’s very frustrating constantly being told off by inanimate objects. Personally I find my car rather judgemental as well. It’s Christmas, and we are famous in our grinchiness. Gary wants to give Xmas presents to all those we have disparaged over the past year. Patrick doesn’t want to. I think it would be lovely to give Gordon Brown something lovely and Scottish, maybe a cute little highland terrier for him to walk in his retirement.

Could class war save Gordon Brown? Referring to David Cameron's policies as being devised "On the playing fields of Eton" The PM delivered a sterling performance in the House. Some say it is career saving. Patrick of course things the comment is tedious, but, to give him credit, he also thinks Cameron is light weight and rather tedious. It leaves a dilemma, we don't want what we've got, but we don't want what's on offer either. This is why a hung parliament may well be the best thing for us. Well the three of us that is, although we'd like to think that our best interests are the same as those of our copatriates. The picture of the obese guy spilling over into the aisle of the American Airlines plane is rather extraordinary.. Airlines do have a "customer of size"policy which is supposed to require them to purchase two seats, but cabin crew say that this is not being adhered to. So the people in the next seat suffer, and I am very worried at how the trolley got down that aisle.

Squirrels lay in wait for a dog. Then they attacked him and ate him. I kid you not. Is this a terrible omen? A la Stephen King? In fact these are mutant ninja squirrels. Living in Russia, and clearly affected by all the nuclear fallout there. And they say nuclear power is the answer to our energy crisis, oh dear. It's dogs now, but are any of us safe from the squirrels? Tiger Woods, apparently he has had a few issues lately. He was a little tired and missed his driveway a bit, crashing his car into a tree. Oh and the back window somehow smashed itself in. The fact that he is having affairs with a couple of waitresses, and his wife may be a tad cross about it, well that is irrelevant. Mr Tiger feels no need to explain himself to the police. We do have to wonder what women see in these mutli millionaire sportsmen that makes all this grief worth it. Meanwhile we explain how the world went to Hell in a Handcart when everything became ridiculously over packaged. Are we the only people who don't understand how you are meant to get the packaging open? Try buying some new earphones one day, for your ipod, in your lunch hour. Seriously, can you open them? Then you can't even chill with your music whilst Windows 7 proceeds to crash and give you a black screen of death.

Did you know that being grumpy is a good thing? Of course we did, it's our modus operandi after all. It has now been officially proven by proper scientific research. When you are grumpy, even better if the sun isn't shining, you are better at decision making and just generally more intelligent. (I may have made that last bit up) Patrick is so grumpy that he thinks good money shouldn't be spent on such pointless research. The world went to Hell in a Handcart when ready meals were invented. We really don't see the point to them. They are never nice, take twice as long as making your own food, and always, always cold in the middle, unless you burn them. Then the middle is hot and the rest is burnt, so you can't eat it. Why bother, when simple fresh food takes the same time, and is much nicer? Now celebrity authors is a subject we complain about every week, and now real authors have started to come out in agreement with us. A celebrity puts their name to a book, most are ghost written, and the celeb in question gets a £1 million advance. Even if the celebrity does their own writing, they would never have made it into publication without their name, they are usually woeful. Publishers then tell real authors that they can't afford to give them any money at all for their real writing. It has gone too far when Jordan was nominated for a literally award for a book that she not only didn't write, she hasn't even read one page of. This actually happened.

I wonder how many poets Nick Griffin can name? Over half of primary school teachers couldn't name more than two. This seems rather alarming, given that they are supposed to have attained a good level of education themselves, not to mention their role in shaping our next generation. I can helpfully say that they should at least know T S Eliot and his cats, and whatsisname who wrote about daffodils. Nick Griffin, meanwhile, showed his ignorance on Question Time, and has been derided, by the panel, the audience, and the news media. Now we, including our dear listeners, all know that the anglo saxons were from Germany, and all our ancestors immigrated to these islands in one way or another, Griffin, however, wants to rewrite history. He was offered help on the show, by Bonnie Greer from the British Museum, who can show him the proof. However, despite his ignorance, the BBC have given him the oxygen of publicity, and the BNP has increased in membership. Whether appearing on the show was a good thing, or not, we are not wise enough to say. What could distract two pilots enough to miss an airport? By 100 miles no less? They say they were discussing Airline Policy. So that's what it's called in the aviation industry.

Did you know that it was Poland’s fault that they were invaded by the Nazi’s and the Russians in 1939? From both sides? That’s according to Putin, who is very busy concentrating on his modeling career, so who can blame him for the rather wacky view of history. So it’s 70 years since the outbreak of WW11. One thing we do know, is that learning the mistakes of the past, doesn’t stop anyone from repeating them. If you thought young teenagers have been looking more tired and emotional than usual, it’s because they are. 13-15 year olds in Britain are drinking lots, and getting drunk. We wonder if maybe pubs should let them in, from the age of twelve perhaps? Stop this irritating hanging about on the streets drinking that they do, given no where to legally go. Our minds are collectively boggled that Macauley Culkin is the father of Michael Jackson’s youngest son. I thought the child was named Blanket, but Patrick tells me this is a nickname, and his real name is Prince Michael 11, well of course it is, silly me. In other news we are happy to see Big Brother axed, it’s about time, I just want them to lock the house, just for a while, let them think they are still being filmed but everyone can go home.

We recorded this just before Scotland went all Braveheart on the world, so you may have to wait a week or so until you know what to think about that situation. Really sorry. Anyhow we had some lighter subjects, like cancer. Yes, it seems the list of what can cause cancer is never ending, and the latest is that smug couples who go to restaurants and snuggle over candlelight dinners are more likely to get cancer than the rest of us. They say it’s the fumes from the smoke, but we think it is a side effect of showing off. Poor Caster Semenya, who has won medals for South Africa in the world athletics championship, is being subjected to gender testing. There really isn’t anything funny about her story, but we talk about it anyhow. In other news, sending a text message to vote in Eurovision has led to interrogations in Azerbaijan. Those who voted for Armenia are being accused of unpatriotic behaviour, Eurovision voting has to be the single most mortifying way to come into contact with the police that you can imagine, even worse than indecent exposure.

Well I hope you weren't under the impression that the X Factor is a talent show? We know it isn't. It's why we love the Jedward after all. It's a show demonstrating how to put cash into the pockets of Simon Cowell. You see he knew that his preferred format, that is where the public file past and put money into his actual pockets, well that could only appeal to a certain number of viewers. This way the same end is acheived, and the public get what they want in the bizarre, gladiatorial atmosphere of the viewing experience. And they get to throw their money at Simon Cowell, so everybody wins. Patrick, meanwhile, watches his telly on a black and white set that broadcasts from the 1950's. It's great. We think the world went to Hell in a Handcart with satellite and cable telly. None of us have any attention span at all anymore. We miss the days when everyone watched the same shows, because they were all you could watch. Meanwhile, now we don't need to move in order to change channel, it helps us find time to eat our 400 extra calories a day, as recommended by the latest government report. Speaking of the government, (like my segue there?) Gordon Brown, poor wee thing, everyone is feeling sorry for him these days.