The car theft business has been an integral part of the American automotive industry for decades. If it weren’t for widespread grand theft auto and stereo theft, we’d all still be driving reliable cars such as the 90’s Toyota Camrys or 00’s Honda CR-Vs. While many fear that the advances in cyber and physical security in newer vehicles may be the end of the theft driven auto industry of inner cities across America, new techniques have been shown to make state of the art self-driving cars even easier to hijack, capture and sell for a profit than their outdated counterparts. The new technology has even driven higher demand for the products from modern chop shops than ever before. This paper will outline methods to confuse, disable and take advantage of the state-of-the-art algorithms and sensors that modern autonomous vehicles are now equipped with to revitalize the domestic car-jacking economy. In this paper, we will test new autonomous vehicle hijacking techniques such as basic traps, artificial pedestrians, laser pointers, and a pheromone induced honey-pot lure.

Abstract: With the world population now above 8 billion and three-quarters of a billion households to visit thanks to more millennials and zoomers living alone, the task of delivering toys around the world in one night is becoming increasingly difficult. Though an expansion of the naughty-list has attempted to decrease this annual burden, the nice list continues to grow, despite what your grandpa has been saying about younger generations not being as good as his. While I’m not getting any spryer, cutting-edge research from our R&D department manages to make the one-night toy delivery possible without outsourcing to FedEx [1] which would void my contract and I would lose my immortality [2]. This year we have made incremental improvements in the one-night path planning process by implementing NSGA-II, refined the clone genetics, further advanced the Sleigh integrated flight systems, and tuned upgraded from reindeer to Ramjets, switched to a new vigor serum now that we can’t source white Rhino horn, and improved our logistical warehouse network by crushing a union. All the 2022 improvements are projected to increase our Time per Household (TPH) from 8.2us up to 11.6us despite the population increase.

Keywords: Christmas, Path Optimization, Traveling Salesman Problem, Cloning, Aeronautical Engineering, Aerial Countermeasures, Supersonic Flight, Super-human speed Vigor Serum, Parcel Delivery, Logistical Operations

Author of the immaterial science paper An Estimation of the Probability of a Coin Landing on its Edge, Dick Dau Swagg talks about edging, specifically what makes a coin more or less likely to land on an edge and his research podcast. The paper can be found here on the immaterial science subreddit.

https://www.reddit.com/r/ImmaterialScience/comments/1ggz5sg/this_paper_is_all_about_edging/#lightbox

Abstract

Despite recent advances in active listening, date night, and extended pillow talk; it is becoming increasingly more difficult to forecast Tiffany’s mood. With more and more Playstation 5 exclusive games, it is becoming increasingly important to determine Tiffany’s mood before purchasing a new game and playing online Co-op with the boys every evening for a week straight. This paper aims to determine the optimal forecast model of my girlfriend’s drastically growing mood swings by comparing simple moving averages, to sextuple exponential smoothing and even an overly complicated Machine Learning model. Despite initial time-series analysis showing non-stationarity and highly seasonal mood swings, the more simple models provided less riskier forecast predictions when planning a three day bender after Matt got divorced.

Paper link: https://jabde.com/2021/05/23/girlfriends-mood-time-series-analysis/

Abstract: In a world struggling to find clean, safe, and sustainable sources of energy, the banana is of- ten overlooked. While typical banana applications are rarely developed for uses beyond consumption and gaining a competitive advantage in go-kart races, they contain the radioactive isotope potassium-40. While the unstable potassium isotope is useless for power generation in its natural concentration, an enrichment process could easily produce fuel-grade bananas usable in a light water reactor to produce power using a naturally occurring fuel source capable of being grown in most tropical climates. This paper designs and analyzes the gaseous centrifuge enrichment process, the fission reactor, and the theoretical logistics surrounding a banana-based nuclear energy operation as well as safety procedures.

Author of "Quantum Computing Applications in Competitive StarCraft" Dr. Qubert Spins developed an affordable Quantum Computer for the average PC gamer. In this interview we discuss his opinion on the state of quantum computing and his current research

Abstract: The high-tech, extreme speed, and immense computational complexity of quantum computing have paved the way for modern applications in cybersecurity, solutions to previously impossible optimization problems, weather forecasting, and even modeling of the human genome. Despite all the research in more scientific applications, the world of competitive StarCraft 2 has emerged as one of the fascinating areas where quantum computing has found practical implementation. No professional E-sport has needed an overpriced $25M computer rig for a small advantage over another player more than this Blizzard Entertainment classic turned global phenomenon. In this paper, the specs and capabilities of a cheap and effective Noisy Intermediate-Scale Quantum (NISQ) Computing rig will be developed into a system that will be ideal for professional StarCraft Zerg players in high-stakes tournaments. At an incredibly low build price of $20M, this computer is the world’s best dollar-for-qubit deal for a video- game-class quantum computer. Additionally, new StarCraft strategies and user capabilities will be developed. With this new hardware and the resulting new strategies, the United States StarCraft team might finally stand a chance against the Koreans. Keywords:

In this hang out chat with my coworker, we browse through some of the best open but mostly closed twitter/the-algorithm pull requests and issues. If you didn't know, when twitter went open source on github, it attracted a completely different crowd. While some thought it brought transparency, it really brought an infinite stream of troll comments, issues and PRs. Many of the PRs include fixing all the bad code by deleting everything or switching the entire algorithm with a video game. There are plenty of funny find-replace PRs and you won't believe what the highest commented issue is. Honestly it's my favorite.

In this deep dive, we explore the paper 'The Pirate Kitty Theory: How a House Cat Being let out led to the Extinction of the Dodo Bird' from the prestigious Cranberry Lemon University researchers published in Journal of Astrological Big Data Ecology. Dave and Cindy discuss the various models used to determine the feasibility of a single cat extinction when the diary of Captain Poopdeck Cooksley Johnson uncover a dark revolation, his pirate cat Lord Whiskers may have caused an animal to go extinct. In the paper, differential equations, Epic Battle Simulator, and a General Adversarial Network are used to determine that we don't really know what happened.

It is chapter 1 of 'Et al. Because Not All Research Deserves a Nobel Prize' https://packt.link/SEX9v

In this deep dive, our hosts explore the works of our esteemed business studies professor Hugh Mann who proves that there is no way that aliens exist or that we should look for them. After debunking declassified UFO videos and the Nazca mummies, he then uses a Markov Process model built from an alien database to show that it is incredibly unlikely for intelligent space faring life to ever evolve in our universe.