The Leader Learner Podcast

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CHECK-IN QUESTION:

• If you could take a week-long vacation anywhere in the world by yourself, where would you go?

BIG IDEAS:

• Essentialism isn't minimalism
• Being intentional about how we spend our time
• How do we decide what we take on and what we don't?
• Useful time - how to determine what is useful or not?
• Useful doesn't always mean fun
• What's the difference between being useful and essential? 
• 3 minimal criteria for saying yes to things, and 3 ideal criteria to saying yes
• Essential intent aligned with purpose, big why, just cause
• If we are saying no the minimum, are we taking away time to do something ideal?
• Different activities can work in concert with one another toward your essential intent
• How often we say yes to be nice or to be liked? How respectful is that to ourselves or others? 
• The essential intent is the priority
• We get pulled into the idea that everything is a priority
• We take on other people's urgencies that aren't ours
• Taking on people's problems isn't helping, it's enabling
• Taking on other's work is also about control
• Consultants come in to solve a company's problem
• Training, Coaching, Consulting are not the same
• Separate the decision from the relationship
• Say no to the problem, not the person
• Don't say "NO", say "Yes, and...", "Yes, however...", or "Yes, no"
• What gets in the way of people saying "no"? Fear, People Pleasing
• The 5 drivers of behavior -- be strong, be perfect, be quick, please others, and try hard
• No limit to the relationship, but a limit to the request you can ask of me
• Choices being actions versus things
• Is free will a thing? Are we fully determined? 
• If there's no free will, there's no responsibility
• We don't make choices, we just act 
• Creating an ensemble of activities that align in one direction
• We don't have to make things as complicated as we do
• DESA - Design, Eliminate, Simplify, Automate
• Doing less and still providing the same value
• "Reverse Pilot" - take away something you are doing and see what happens

RESOURCES MENTIONED:

• Essentialism by Greg McKeown
• Simon Sinek and a Just Cause
• Eisenhower Matrix
• The One Minute Manager Meets the Monkey, by Ken Blanchard, discussed on Season 1, Episode 5
• The 5 Drivers of Behavior (Transactional Analysis)

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Check-In Question:

• Is there any value in buying paper dictionaries anymore? Do you think paper books will die within our lifetimes?

Big Ideas:

• Creating connection in virtual spaces
• Importance of taking time and not having an agenda or expectations
• Who we are as people as opposed to who we are in our roles
• Skills needed in virtual space are different
• How am I different in person versus virtually?
• Knowing how we are in different spaces
• Better listeners in different spaces - virtual versus in person
• Having agreements around virtual spaces to keep people engaged and less distracted
• Virtual spaces equalize people based on height
• How people uses spaces (stages) to have power
• Virtual world changes how people perceive us
• Hide self-view, or keep it open - limit distractions or boost confidence
• Move people so they are below the camera
• Looking at screen versus looking at the camera
• meaning making and generative conversations
• the importance of engagements
• generative and transformative conversations
• Does lack of trust have to do with the importance of talking about engagement online?
• Check-In questions leads to improved engagement
• Invite people into meeting
• Preparation for the workshop is part of the workshop
• Are we allowing transition time? Where is the liminal space? 
• Create transition time or buffer into the time with people
• Time to integrate what just happened before launch into the next
• Check-out with application, reflection time
• Space to continue the conversation between time we meet (Miro, Jamboard, group chats.)
• Successful workshops live or die by engagement levels
• Design for connection before content
• Online reveals design flaws
• Connection brings engagement
• Agree on ground rules (practices, agreements.)
• Define where an organization is comfortable working in the space - meet people where they are 
• Activities:
  • Hi By Name - supports being seen
  • Virtual Charades - 
  • Virtual Tour - give a tour of your virtual space
  • Special of the Week - what are you most focused on this week?

Resources Mentioned:

• Essentialism by Greg McKeown
• From Physical Place to Virtual Space by Gwen Sterling-Wilkie
• Rituals for Virtual Meetings by Glenn Fjardo and Kursat Özenç

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Check-In Question:

• What personal quality do you know people appreciate about you?

Big Ideas:

• 3 attitudes - Unconditional Responsibility, Essential Integrity, Ontological Humility
• Ontology - Philosophy related to being, relationships one has to being
• Dividing responsibility starting from 100% doesn't work, each person has 100% responsibility for themselves
• Keeping your word is not the same as honoring your word
• Keeping your word with others sometimes means NOT keeping your word with yourself 
• Integrity is different for every person because everyone's values are different
• Humility being pushed, but is it really what people need or expect
• It's all about our mindset - we can see things as a challenge or an opportunity
• You can choose
• When am I saying it was external circumstances, versus my responsibilities
• When feeling overwhelmed, easier to point to external circumstances because feels more overwhelming
• Player and victim - the player takes responsibility, the victim doesn't
• Take responsibility for not knowing
• Circle of concern and circle of influence - when we focus on our circle of concern, we diminish our ability to influence
• We don't have a lot of influence on the "IT", but we do have responsibility for the "I" 
• The answer is not to worry about what we can't control
• Trust is important before creating change and influencing others
• Coaching and psychotherapy are about helping people take responsibility
• Society that is very outcome based ("It" based) 
• Most effective when we operate from our basic human values
• People can share values, even those values show up differently
• What's the difference between a value and a belief?
• Values versus virtues?
• Operationalizing values - from Brené Brown
• Values are a noun and define something abstract, 
• Virtues are like a character trait 
• Relativeness of point of view - can we know the truth?
• Employees need to feel safe to make mistakes, so as leaders we need to model it
• Proving our way to success hooks our ego
• Ego gets hooked when focused on external validation
• How we were conditioned to believe we were worthy influences our ego
• Tallest poppy syndrome
• What's so difficult about being humble?
• Opinions being the end of democracy - how can you construct something without values? 
• What's bigger than values? 

Resources:

• Conscious Business by Fred Kofman
• The Big Leap - Gay Hendricks
• Man's Search for Meaning - Viktor Frankl
• The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey
• The 4 Hour Work Week by Tim Ferriss

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Check-In Question:

• If you were a vegetable, what vegetable would you be?

Big Ideas:

• Theresa's BIG Reflection Question: How can I have an opinion or take a stand on something, without other people taking in personally, or feeling judged.
• "Strong back soft front." ~Joan Halifax
• Is taking a stand the same as having an opinion?
• How can you care about someone and want to persuade them that you are right?
• Can you take a stand without persecuting someone?
• Values as our stand
• Conversations don't always have to be confrontations
• Be open to NOT wanting to change people's minds
• Persuasion is different than explanation
• "For most of us the opposite of speaking isn't listening, it's waiting" ~Daniel Pink
• Asking people for their sources puts them on the defensive
• Logos (what we say), Ethos (character of person), Pathos (affect we are creating in others)
• How convincing others doesn't work and often doesn't bear fruit
• Judging activities and not people
• Difference between judgment (good/bad) and discernment (like/don't like) 
• The importance of the words we use
• Swap good/bad for useful/not useful to be less judgmental
• The lens we see things through
• Divide between consequentialists (duty pound) and utilitarians (principle bound)
• We need to take a stand for things to change
• How relationships shift whether we need to take a stand
• Constructive and destructive anger - fighting to be right, or for what is right
• You can't be fierce in a vacuum
• Our stand doesn't have to be other's stands
• Is making a decision taking a stand?
• Can our world exist without people taking a stand?
• Not just what we do, but the environment, timing, and people matters
• How/where does authority and power come into play
• Dissention among individual contributors doesn't necessarily create change
• Taking a stand when your manager gives you another project
• Not just what you say, but how you say it matters

Resources Mentioned:

• Joan Halifax
• Daniel Pink
• "Fierce Self-Compassion" by Kristin Neff
• Sinking of El Faro 

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Check-In Question:

• What website do you visit multiple times a day?

Big Ideas:

• What gets in the way of great leadership?
  • Imposing my perspective/values on other people
  • Imposter syndrome leading to self-doubt
  • When we don't address our own emotions
• Shame getting in the way of leadership
• The less we talk about emotions the more we feel
• Not talking about shame at work -- frustrations, fear
• Difference between shame (I am a failure) versus guilt (I failed at this project)
• Is shame a cohesion mechanism?
• Fault and mistake -- how are they different?
• Guilt can have a powerful impact when we see the gap between our values/intentions between our behavior
• One incidence can lead to either guilt or shame
• What do we say to ourselves when we make a mistake?
• How much are leaders using shame as a tool in leadership? Weaponizing shame
• The opposite of shame - empathy and compassion, vulnerability
• Fear of being a bad leader, leads us to not be vulnerable
• Shame drives so much of our behavior in the background
• "Should" is a sign that there is something wrong with the relationship
• Shame Shields -- move away, move toward, move against (Freeze, fight, flee)
• Offloading shame on others - trying to hurt other people back
• 4 Steps to Working Through Shame
  1. Understand the shame triggers
  2. Reality check the messages around perfection
  3. Reach out to share our stories with people we trust
  4. Use the word shame - use the words gives you power
• Giving names to our shame shields/defense mechanisms or using symbols or personalities to states of mind, gives us control to them
• Being a better leader starts with awareness

Resources:

• The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown
• Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman
• Dare to Lead by Brené Brown
• Linda Hartling

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Check-In Question:

• Who is the most likeable person that you know?

Big Ideas:

• Taking breaks - why we do it, why we don't, etc
• Real vacation, no work AND vacation, but thinking about work
• Taking a break means NOT thinking about work
• Having some location separation between work and home
• Can't compartmentalize work and personal life 
• Is separating work and home life valid anymore? 
• Communication between work and home so the pressure doesn't build
• Setting permeable boundaries
• Breaks to process what just happened and what might happen next
• Creating space to think deeply
• Distinction between taking breaks and creating space
• Breaks having no purpose, spaces having purpose
• Are we taking breaks to be lost in thought?
• Do we need to give space for our brains to breathe?
• Finding likeable moments in the everyday
• Travail (work in French) comes from a word related to torture
• Create a life you don't need to take a break from
• Bill Gates and his "Think Week"
• How our mindset affects our experiences
• Mindset matters to a point, but if your basic needs aren't being met, it only matters up to a point
• Freedom outside the pressures.
• Cultural components of taking breaks
• Drivers to what success looks shifts among cultures
• What's best for me at this moment?
• Creating breaks allow us to create
• Covid allowed people to see how creating new spaces was good for them
• How shift away from the idea that taking breaks is a luxury?
• Accepting what is now, but not necessarily being content with it
• "The opposite of play is not work, it's depression."
• So much of what we do is purpose/results oriented, and breaks seem purposeless

Question for Listeners:

• Why do you take breaks? How?

References:

• Severance Series
• Essentialism by Greg McKeown

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Check-In Question:

• Do you  like working from home? 
  • How to create community in virtual spaces

Big Ideas:

• What's our magic, our thing, our niche, etc? 
• The importance of FUN
• Tech issues we encountered - Theresa's slow connection
• Types of episodes: Quotes and Question, Guests, Shoot from the Hip, Coaching One Another - Listeners, what is your favorite episode type? 
• Learning from other people's perspectives
• Modeling getting tough feedback
• Titles engage people - "Click Bait"
• Being more strategic about marketing
• People interested in the content more than who we are as people
• Using other people to challenge our thinking
• Element of spontaneity and fun
• Standing on other people's shoulders for visibility
• Do you like the "The" and "Episode" bookmarking the episodes?

Resources Mentioned:

• Rituals for Virtual Meetings by Glenn Fajardo and 
  Kursat Ozenc
• From Physical Space to Virtual Space  by  Gwen Sterling-Wilkie

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Enjoy this spontaneous, unplanned conversation which turned into an episode :)

BIG IDEAS:

• Relationship being more important than the gift
• Do gifts pollute or change the relationship?
• Polluting versus enhancing? 
• What do we do with compliments?
• Genuine connections over the "connect and pitch"
• Link between connections and gifts to worthiness
• When we don't accept a gift, we rob someone of the joy in giving
• The 5 Love Languages, - Touch, Service, Words of Appreciation, Gifts, Quality Time
• The gaps between how we like to give and receive love
• Adapt love language to a work situation
• Supporting peer-to-peer displays of appreciation
• Understanding our love language based on what we like to give
• Referrals from the heart, or referrals for a percentage?
• Transparency in making referrals
• "Send the elevator back"

RESOURCES:

• The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman
• Take the 5 Love Languages Quiz
• WorkHuman 

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Check-In Question:

• What is money good for?

Big Ideas:

• Two kinds of money --  those that fulfill our needs, and those that we think will fulfill our needs, but don't.
• Indigenous tribes that don't use money. Question of whether it is essential?
• "Money isn't the problem. Money isn't good or bad. Money itself doesn't have power or not have power. It is our interpretation of money, our interaction with it, where the real mischief is and where we find the real opportunity for self-discovery and personal discovery. 
• The tool doesn't have power.
• When you have money, you can make different choices.
• Yes, you can have power without money. (ex Rosa Parks)
• Is causation, money then power, or power than money? 
• Power on a spectrum in line with money.
• Choice as a sense of power
• Voting with your feet 
• Difference between local and global economics - buying local and the sense of community that comes with it
• We have a role in how the money is distributed.
• Supporting the local economy and local employment
• The 3 Toxic Myths of Scarcity : #1 There is not enough, #2 More is better, #3 That's the Way it Is
• Experiencing companies wanting more (people, skills, objectives, etc.)
• Band-aids as the only support because 'That's Just the Way It is."
• The relationship between value and money. Does the price determine value?
• Value-based versus time-based pricing
• Matching your pricing to regional values and the market
• Value can differ even if price is the same (too many external factors)
• Price has to be high enough to be taken seriously
• Using internal resources to respond to a scarcity of external resources
• Support becomes more apparent when times are scarce
• Look for new relationships/resources when times are scarce
• Limits and constraints create innovation
• We often have resources within us, that we forget about because we often think of assets outside of ourselves
• If you don't have time, what do you have? 
• Spending matching values
• Money being like water
• Charity being a redistribution mechanism
• If money doesn't come to you, where will it go? Is this place "better"?

Resources Discussed:

• The Soul of Money by Lynne Twist
• Jerry Maquire movie
• Stretch by Scott Sonenshein
• TED talk by Lynne Twist
• Think Again by Adam Grant

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Check-In Question:

• What do you think people regret the most when they look back on their life? 

Big Ideas:

• Different stages of life: the call, the messy middle, the resolution
• Life being one long journey, with lots of small hero's journeys throughout
• Stage 1: Ordinary World; Stage 2: The Call to Adventure; Stage 3: Refusal of the Call; Stage 4: Meeting with a Mentor; Stage 5: Crossing the 1st Threshold; Stage 6: The Adventure (enemies, shadows, etc); Stage 7: The Elixir
• Saying no in my mind, and not feeling like I had a choice.
• When our ego says that we don't have a choice
• When our mentors muddle the waters by giving us another perspective, which doesn't align with our values or intuition
• Who is the 'right' person to ask? 
• Going to the outside for advice because we don't trust ourselves
• Having a challenge network (band of pirates) to rattle us and keep us integrity
• Use criticism as a way to reinforce our values
• Can you refuse a call and be the same afterwards?
• Choices aren't always crossroads, but exits on a highway.
• Archetypes: The Hero, the Mentor, The Threshold Guardian, The Herald, The Shape-Shifter, The Shadow, The Ally, The Trickster -- all at the service of the hero. 
• The journey is the hero's search for identity and wholeness
• We can't always see the arc of our own hero's stories
• Our blinders can prevent us from seeing the truth of our life
• Importance of getting perspective to see the stories we are in
• Look at your life as a story 
• Sometimes we don't see when we need to go to the balcony to get perspective
• Is the shero/heroine journey different from the hero journey?

Resources Mentioned:

• The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying by Bronnie Ware
• The Writer's Journey by Christopher Vogler
• The Hero with a Thousand Faces by Joseph Campbell
• Untamed by Glennon Doyle
• Think Again by Adam Grant
• Roger Fisher and William Ury from the Harvard Negotiation Project

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