The Living Loss | Navigating Invisible Grief & Identity

Have you ever reached a destination everyone told you to aim for, only to look around and realize you were completely absent from your own life?

This week on The Living Loss Podcast, we are pulling a thread from our recent sit-down with Amy Kelly to unpack the heavy weight of the "checklist life." Cassandra and I dive into what developmental psychologists call identity foreclosure—the act of taking on roles handed down by culture or family without ever questioning if they actually fit us.

We play a revealing game of "Keep, Toss, or Repack," exploring why constant availability shouldn't equal productivity, how to repackage perfectionism into discernment, and why being an adult with a screen-free hobby is the ultimate grounder. Finally, we explore the ambiguous loss that accompanies major career pivots and how to untangle your self-worth from your resume.

What We Explore in This Episode:

What "identity foreclosure" means and why so many of us fall into it during our 20s.

The "Keep, Toss, or Repack" Game: Shedding the expectation of constant availability and the pressure to say "yes" to everything.

Understanding the ambiguous loss of leaving a career or changing roles.

Living Loss Lesson: An actionable challenge to answer "How have you been?" without mentioning your job title, credentials, or productivity.

If this conversation reminded you of someone navigating a major life transition, please share it with them. And don't forget to hit subscribe so we can reach our goal of 500 subscribers on YouTube and get these conversations to the people who need them most!

Connect & Resources

Instagram: @thelivinglosspodcast 

Email: [email protected] (Guest inquiries, Collaborations & story submissions)

Keep in touch, Sign up for our newsletter! 

https://substack.com/@thelivinglosspodcast

Support the Show: If this episode resonated with you, please subscribe and share it with a friend!

Work With Us 

Daiana Bernard, LMHC: MeaningfulTherapyFL.com  [email protected] (In-person Riverview, FL & FL Telehealth) 

Cassandra Harris-Towner: [email protected] (In-person Ocala, FL & FL Telehealth)

Disclaimer: This podcast is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not a substitute for clinical care. Guest opinions are their own and do not necessarily reflect the views of the hosts or The Living Loss Podcast.

n this episode of The Living Loss Podcast, licensed mental health counselors Daiana Bernard and Cassandra Harris-Towner sit down with Reinvention Coach Amy Kelly to unpack the profound, quiet grief of shedding past versions of ourselves. Amy opens up about walking away from a conventional marriage and path in her late twenties, taking a one-way flight to Central America, navigating a near-death experience in Costa Rica, and how unacknowledged survival mode and societal expectations mask deep identity loss.

Tune in as we discuss stepping away from the pressure to perform, navigating major life pivots, and learning how to come home to yourself when your entire life undergoes a 360-degree shift.

00:02 — Welcome & Introduction: Unpacking the quiet losses that don't come with a funeral.

02:09 — Meet Amy Kelly: From a conventional UK lifestyle to a one-way flight and profound reinvention.

05:15 — The Hidden Grief of Leaving a Marriage and Societal Expectations.

13:30 — The Near-Death Experience: How pushing past your limits forces a reckoning.

21:30 — Moving from Fear-Based Survival to Self-Acceptance.

28:00 — Living Loss Lessons: Practical grounding practices for navigating major life pivots.

Connect & Resources

Amy Kelly

Instagram: @amykellycoach_  LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/amykellycoach/ 

Free 5 Day Nervous System Guide https://amykellycoach.myflodesk.com/resetguide

Living Loss

Instagram: @thelivinglosspodcast 

Email: [email protected] (Guest inquiries, Collaborations & story submissions)

Keep in touch, Sign up for our newsletter! 

https://substack.com/@thelivinglosspodcast

Support the Show: If this episode resonated with you, please subscribe and share it with a friend!

Work With Us 

Daiana Bernard, LMHC: MeaningfulTherapyFL.com  [email protected] (In-person Riverview, FL & FL Telehealth) 

Cassandra Harris-Towner: [email protected] (In-person Ocala, FL & FL Telehealth)

Disclaimer: This podcast is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not a substitute for clinical care. Guest opinions are their own and do not necessarily reflect the views of the hosts or The Living Loss Podcast.

What happens when you are the one who initiates a massive life pivot? Whether you walked away from a long-term relationship, left a stable career, or chose to step into an entirely new chapter, society often expects you to feel completely empowered and liberated. The reality? Chosen losses come with a deep, quiet grief and a whole lot of guilt.

In this episode, licensed mental health counselors Daiana Bernard and Cassandra Harris-Towner break down the disorienting emotional void of shedding a familiar identity. They explore the biological shock of leaving "predictable" discomfort, how intentional gratitude calms a dysregulated nervous system without bypassing pain, and how to build a healing team that actually meets your current needs.

Quick Self-Assessment: What Kind of Support Do You Need?

Note: This is a self-reflection tool, not an exhaustive checklist. One path isn't "better" than the other, it's about matching the right professional support to where you are right now. We'll have more support in our bi-monthly Sunday newsletter!

You likely need Therapy to start if:

• "My grief or anxiety is actively interfering with my daily life, I am struggling to sleep, eat, or work."
• "I am trying to process unresolved childhood trauma, emotional abuse, or a clinical mental health condition."
• "I need a legally protected, safe space to understand the root cause of my pain without the pressure to 'fix it' immediately."

You likely need Coaching if:

• "I am functioning okay day-to-day, but I feel stagnant and want an action plan to pivot my career or identity."
• "I generally understand my past and triggers, but I need strict accountability and practical tools to build my future."
• "I want to focus on present-day mindset and daily nervous system regulation."

It’s rarely an either/or. You can lean on a therapist for deep, foundational healing and collaborate with a coach to execute actionable steps forward.

Connect & Resources

Instagram: @thelivinglosspodcast 

Email: [email protected] (Guest inquiries, Collaborations & story submissions)

Keep in touch, Sign up for our newsletter! 

https://substack.com/@thelivinglosspodcast

Support the Show: If this episode resonated with you, please subscribe and share it with a friend!

Work With Us 

Daiana Bernard, LMHC: MeaningfulTherapyFL.com  [email protected] (In-person Riverview, FL & FL Telehealth) 

Cassandra Harris-Towner: [email protected] (In-person Ocala, FL & FL Telehealth)

Disclaimer: This podcast is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not a substitute for clinical care. Guest opinions are their own and do not necessarily reflect the views of the hosts or The Living Loss Podcast.

Have you ever looked in the mirror and thought, "I don't even know who I am anymore?" As we move through different decades of our lives, from the carefree exploration of our twenties to the hustle of our thirties and the shifting priorities of our forties, we inevitably outgrow past versions of ourselves.

In this episode of The Living Loss Podcast, licensed mental health counselors Daiana and Cassandra unpack the quiet, complex grief of shedding old identities.

What We Explore in This Episode:

• Decade by Decade: How our values, boundaries, and priorities shift from our 20s to our 40s and beyond, and why valuing sleep and time becomes a hard-earned reward.
• Salient Identities: How different versions of ourselves come forward depending on our environment, the people we are with, and even the languages we speak.
• Core Beliefs & Identity: A breakdown of the psychological schemas that organize our world, and the profound grief of mourning who we used to be under old "rules."
• Relational Grief: The pain of outgrowing friendships and navigating relationships with people who refuse to update their mental file of who you are today.
• Parenthood & Identity Loss: Daiana shares her personal experience with the loss of self that often accompanies motherhood and the pressure to hustle through it.

At the end of the episode, Daiana and Cassandra leave you with three questions to help you take inventory of your own evolving identity:

1. What is a core belief that you held in your twenties that you have completely outgrown, and have you allowed yourself to grieve the comfort it used to bring you?
2. If you stripped away your job title, relationship status, and your family roles, who are you at your core?
3. What past version of yourself do you need to gently say goodbye to so that your current self has room to breathe?

00:00 Introduction to the episode and its focus on identity and grief

02:18 The concept of salient identities and how they shift

04:22 The role of values and beliefs in shaping identity

08:11 The influence of life stages and aging on self-perception

22:55 Understanding grief as a process of change and renewal

27:24 The impact of societal expectations and relationships

42:37 Reflections on aging, purpose, and self-acceptance

56:44 Living Lost Lessons: Embracing change and self-awareness

Connect & Resources

Instagram: @thelivinglosspodcast 

Email: [email protected] (Guest inquiries, Collaborations & story submissions)

Keep in touch,https://substack.com/@thelivinglosspodcast

Support the Show: If this episode resonated with you, please subscribe and share it with a friend!

Work With Us 

Daiana Bernard, LMHC: MeaningfulTherapyFL.com  [email protected] (In-person Riverview, FL & FL Telehealth) 

Cassandra Harris-Towner: [email protected] (In-person Ocala, FL & FL Telehealth)

Disclaimer: This podcast is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not a substitute for clinical care. Guest opinions are their own and do not necessarily reflect the views of the hosts or The Living Loss Podcast.

Daiana Bernard and Cassandra Harris Towner, both licensed mental health counselors, talk with Andy Ellwood about quiet grief, identity shifts, and what it looks like to rebuild after multiple losses at once. Andy shares how religious expectations, friendship loss, divorce, miscarriage, career upheaval, and later becoming a father all reshaped his sense of self.

In this episode, Andy explains how he moved from living for external approval to building a life grounded in curiosity, authenticity, and real community. He also offers a practical lesson on slowing down, sharpening your axe, and treating rest as part of the work.

Timestamps

00:00 - Welcome to Living Loss and the theme of hidden grief  

01:18 - Andy’s story and the collapse of his old identity  

02:43 - Growing up in an insular church culture  

05:29 - Moving to London and questioning inherited beliefs  

07:57 - The public reaction to moving in together  

09:45 - Why the backlash validated what had already changed  

15:45 - Moving to New York City and finding his pace  

19:32 - Building startups and the first big professional wins  

20:45 - Marriage, home, pregnancy, and the life he thought he wanted  

21:38 - Miscarriage, divorce, and losing startup funding  

23:25 - Rebuilding after the house of cards collapsed  

28:29 - The rebound relationship and another hard reset  

33:25 - Meeting Maddie and the three-year wait for a first date  

35:30 - Choosing to show up as fully Andy  

41:33 - Becoming a father and losing his mother in the same year  

44:16 - Resilience, presence, and a 1,000% success rate  

50:53 - The lumberjack story and sharpening the axe  

57:04 - Closing reflections on rest, grace, and timing  

Connect with Andy Ellwood 

https://stretchgroceries.com/, https://www.andyellwood.com/,

https://www.tiktok.com/@theandyellwood, 

Connect & Resources

Instagram: @thelivinglosspodcast 

Email: [email protected] (Guest inquiries, Collaborations & story submissions)

Keep in touch, Sign up for our newsletter! 

https://thelivinglossnondeathgriefmentalhealth.riverside.com/newsletter

Support the Show: If this episode resonated with you, please subscribe and share it with a friend!

Work With Us 

Daiana Bernard, LMHC: MeaningfulTherapyFL.com | [email protected] (In-person Riverview, FL & FL Telehealth) 

Cassandra Harris-Towner: [email protected] (In-person Ocala, FL & FL Telehealth)

Disclaimer: This podcast is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not a substitute for clinical care. Guest opinions are their own and do not necessarily reflect the views of the hosts or The Living Loss Podcast.

Daiana Bernard and Cassandra Harris-Towner open with a candid conversation before moving into the heart of the episode: how cumulative grief, secondary loss, identity loss, and estrangement can pile up when life falls apart. They also prepare listeners for an upcoming interview with Andy Ellwood, whose story illustrates these themes in a deeply personal way. In this episode, they connect clinical language to lived experience, explore how faith, community, and therapy can all be both helpful and complicated, and end with reflection questions designed to help listeners make meaning from their own losses.00:00— Welcome to The Living Loss Podcast and the quiet griefs the show explores
00:26— Estrangement grief, secondary loss, and ambiguous loss
05:00— Why therapists also need therapy and how vicarious grief appears
06:21— Being on the client side and grieving without immediate relief. 07:48— When therapy feels emotionally taxing but remains helpful
12:40— How faith and community can make it harder to ask for help
18:22— The grief frameworks behind Andy’s story
19:53— What ecosystem estrangement means
27:20— Cumulative grief and secondary loss as a domino effect
28:23— Miscarriage, divorce, home loss, and career collapse as layered losses
33:23— Identity shifts, grief, and joy happening together
34:25— DBT, dialectics, and moving from either/or to both/and thinking
40:47— Living Loss Lessons and reflection questionsLiving Loss Lessons: Three journaling prompts to help you reflect on your own quiet losses. Sit with these questions, write them down, or email your thoughts to the show:

1. Have you ever had to step away from a community, belief system, or relationship in order to be true to yourself?
2. When your own house of cards fell apart, what parts of your identity did you choose not to pick back up?
3. When have you had to hold profound joy and deep grief at the same exact time?

Connect & Resources IG: @thelivinglosspodcast 

Email: [email protected] (Guest inquiries, Collaborations & story submissions)

Keep in touch, Sign up for our newsletter! 

https://thelivinglossnondeathgriefmentalhealth.riverside.com/newsletter

Support the Show: If this episode resonated with you, please subscribe and share it with a friend!

Work With Us: Daiana Bernard, LMHC: MeaningfulTherapyFL.com | [email protected] (In-person Riverview, FL & FL Telehealth) 

Cassandra Harris-Towner: [email protected] (In-person Ocala, FL & FL Telehealth)

Disclaimer: This podcast is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not a substitute for clinical care. Guest opinions are their own and do not necessarily reflect the views of the hosts or The Living Loss Podcast.

When life goes completely off script, how do you navigate the avalanche of multi-layered sorrow? In this episode, Daiana and Cassandra reflect on their powerful conversation with Kristy Halverson (Episode 3). They break down the reality of cumulative grief, the crushing weight of ambiguous loss during her mother's 14-year terminal cancer journey, and the beautiful freedom found in letting go of societal expectations. The co-hosts explore the concept of "coddiwompling", moving purposefully toward an unknown destination and how embracing the illusion of control can actually bring deep peace.

Key Takeaways

• The Bell Curve of Grief: Understanding how sorrow compounds sequentially when dealing with multiple devastating life events at once.

• Purposeful Uncertainty: How trading external security for internal freedom allows you to follow the "tickles of your soul" and trust your intuition.

• The Illusion of Control: Why surrendering our grip on how things should go often reveals life's "perfect unfolding."

• The Power of the Pause: Using micro-moments of mindfulness to quiet the noise and reconnect with your internal compass.

Listener Reflection Questions

Grab a journal or ponder on these questions:

• Think about a major loss. What were the invisible or secondary losses attached to it?

• Where in your life are you burning the midnight oil when the healthiest choice might actually be to surrender?

Resources Mentioned

Listen to our full interview with Kristy Halverson: Season 2, Episode 3

The Perfect Unfolding* by Kristy Halverson

Connect With Us

Be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. If this conversation reminded you of someone who needs to hear that their grief is valid, please share it with them.

Connect & Resources

Instagram: @thelivinglosspodcast Email: [email protected] (Guest inquiries & story submissions)

Keep in touch,

Sign up for our newsletter! 

https://thelivinglossnondeathgriefmentalhealth.riverside.com/newsletter

Support the Show: If this episode resonated with you, please subscribe and share it with a friend!

Work With Us 

Daiana Bernard, LMHC: MeaningfulTherapyFL.com | [email protected] (In-person Riverview, FL & FL Telehealth) 

Cassandra Harris-Towner: [email protected] (In-person Ocala, FL & FL Telehealth)

Disclaimer: This podcast is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not a substitute for clinical care. Guest opinions are their own and do not necessarily reflect the views of the hosts or The Living Loss Podcast.

Licensed Mental Health Counselors Cassandra and Daiana sit down with author and nomadic traveler Kristy Halvorsen to explore the quiet, layered grief that follows caregiving, major life changes, and profound identity shifts. When loss is invisible to the outside world, how do we find the space to heal? 

Kristy shares her personal journey through overlapping seasons of loss, including the passing of her mother and discusses the impact of letting go, feeling fully, and trusting the “tickles of your soul” to guide you forward without forcing a neat timeline.

Key Takeaways

• Kristy’s raw experience navigating her mother's decline, the end of a relationship, relocating, and adjusting her book launch simultaneously.
• How stepping into a caregiving role fundamentally shifts your emotional capacity, daily identity, and life plans.
• Challenging the myth that "time heals all wounds" by exploring how intentional processing during that time is what actually changes us.
• Using Kristy’s “tickles of your soul” framework to recognize the deep, quiet knowing that points toward your next right step.
• Allowing complex, conflicting emotions like sadness, relief, peace, and disorientation to coexist completely free of judgment.

Check out Kristy's book: The Perfect Unfolding: Seven Years of Life-Changing Solo Adventure, One Year That Broke Me Open

Trailer: PerfectUnfolding.com Website: KristyH.com

IG: @Kristy.Halvorsen LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/kristy-halvorsen/

Facebook: www.facebook.com/1kristy  Goodreads: www.goodreads.com/book/show/241413488-perfect-unfolding

Connect & Resources: Instagram: @thelivinglosspodcast Email: [email protected] (Guest inquiries & story submissions)

Keep in touch, Sign up for our newsletter! 

https://thelivinglossnondeathgriefmentalhealth.riverside.com/newsletter

Support the Show: If this episode resonated with you, please subscribe and share it with a friend!

Work With Us 

Daiana Bernard, LMHC: MeaningfulTherapyFL.com | [email protected] (In-person Riverview, FL & FL Telehealth) 

Cassandra Harris-Towner: [email protected] (In-person Ocala, FL & FL Telehealth)

Disclaimer: This podcast is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not a substitute for clinical care. Guest opinions are their own and do not necessarily reflect the views of the hosts or The Living Loss Podcast.

Welcome back to the Living Lost Podcast! As licensed mental health counselors, hosts Daiana Bernard and Cassandra Harris Towner are here to unpack the quiet, complex griefs that don't come with a funeral. Because you can't heal what you don't acknowledge.

Before next week's special interview with author Kristy Halvorsen, Daiana and Cassandra set the stage by breaking down the clinical vocabulary of invisible losses. They also debut a brand-new game called "Overrated or Underrated," where they put popular self-care trends and coping mechanisms to the test.

What We Discuss in This Episode

Overrated vs. Underrated: The hosts debate common coping cliches. Is saying "everything happens for a reason" helpful or invalidating? What is the actual therapeutic value of screaming into a pillow, taking a bubble bath, retail therapy, or making dark jokes about your trauma?

The Power of the Block Button: Why curating your social media feed and muting or blocking accounts, is a top-tier strategy for surviving ambiguous loss and protecting your peace.

Cumulative Grief (Grief Overload): Navigating the "avalanche effect" when multiple losses, like a terminal illness, a breakup, and professional setbacks, occur in close succession without time to process.

Disenfranchised Grief: Validating the quiet losses that society often ignores or dismisses, such as the end of a friendship or a career change.

Identity Loss: How to mourn the intangible losses, like an imagined future, a role transition, or a sudden change in your life's trajectory.

Living Loss Lesson

It is not about fixing grief; it is about finding the strength to carry it. Coping isn't always perfect, and sometimes our strategies only offer a fleeting moment of relief. Give yourself the grace to accept that you are doing the best you can, even if that means canceling plans to stay home in your sweatpants.

Connect & Resources

Instagram: @thelivinglosspodcast Email: [email protected] (Guest inquiries & story submissions)

Keep in touch, Sign up for our newsletter! 

https://thelivinglossnondeathgriefmentalhealth.riverside.com/newsletter

Support the Show: If this episode resonated with you, please subscribe and share it with a friend!

Work With Us 

Daiana Bernard, LMHC: MeaningfulTherapyFL.com | [email protected] (In-person Riverview, FL & FL Telehealth) 

Cassandra Harris-Towner: [email protected] (In-person Ocala, FL & FL Telehealth)

Disclaimer: This podcast is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not a substitute for clinical care. Guest opinions are their own and do not necessarily reflect the views of the hosts or The Living Loss Podcast.

Welcome back to Season Two of The Living Loss Podcast! Licensed Mental Health Counselors Daiana Bernard and Cassandra Harris-Towner kick off the new season by diving into the quiet, non-death losses that disrupt our lives. From navigating summer schedule chaos and sudden life pivots to shattering the "assumptive world" we build in our minds, this episode explores what happens when life simply doesn't go according to the blueprint.

Join Daiana and Cassandra as they play an interactive quiz breaking down real-life scenarios, discuss clinical concepts in plain language, and share their own summer highs, lows, and "wait, what?" moments.

In this episode, we explore:

The "Assumptive World": Why sudden pivots (like unexpected school changes or schedule collapses) trigger genuine grief responses.

Highs, Lows & "Wait, What?": Summer road trips, facing the pain of returning to meaningful places, and unexpected personal trivia.

Interactive Grief Quiz: Naming everyday hidden losses through real-world scenarios.

Living Loss Lessons: Moving toward radical acceptance when control is an illusion, and finding the courage to lean into grief rather than avoid it.

Resources Mentioned:

• Book: How Will I Ever Get Through This? Evidence-based Tools to Help You Heal from Hardship, Grief, and Loss by Dr. Lucy Hone.

Connect & Resources

Instagram: @thelivinglosspodcast Email: [email protected] (Guest inquiries & story submissions)

Support the Show: If this episode resonated with you, please subscribe and share it with a friend!

Work With Us 

Daiana Bernard, LMHC: MeaningfulTherapyFL.com | [email protected] (In-person Riverview, FL & FL Telehealth) 

Cassandra Harris-Towner: [email protected] (In-person Ocala, FL & FL Telehealth)

Disclaimer: This podcast is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not a substitute for clinical care. Guest opinions are their own and do not necessarily reflect the views of the hosts or The Living Loss Podcast.