The Long Way Back: A Psychiatric Medication Recovery Podcast

In this sixth episode, I talk about one way to view your struggles: limited capacity.

It can be shocking and confusing to suddenly lose interest in things that you once had passion for. You may no longer feel connection with loved ones. That long morning walk you used to enjoy may now feel like a slog.

Eventually, you might start wondering whether you're now dealing with depression, anxiety, panic disorder, etc. Of course, that's certainly a possibility, but what makes the framework of capacity interesting is that it might explain why some days (or even moments) you feel more like your normal self.

If you think of yourself during recovery as having a limited capacity for things like romantic feelings, stress tolerance, emotional engagement, etc., then it starts to make more sense. How is that one day music sounds like noise and I can't stand even one minute and another day I'm singing along and loving it?

Your capacity is something that will shift, fluctuate, ebb and flow, but over time it will continue to grow back to normal levels. All you need to do in the meantime is not question your love for others, your passions, your desires, and just remember that when your capacity returns, so will everything else.

(This episode was recorded during a particularly low day, so it got a bit unfocused and ramble-y toward the end, so I will likely re-record an episode on this topic in the future. Still, I hope even this unfocused talk gives you some hope and assurance.)

In this fifth episode, I talk about how, after nearly 12 months off of all medications, I've re-evaluated how I measure progress.

At first, I was fixated on feeling better and used that as the sole measure of recovery progress. However, over time I learned to reassess what "recovery" really means for me. I've come up with different models: sometimes I compare recovery to a jigsaw puzzle slowly coming together, other times I compare it to a video game-like process where "points" are being allocated to different attributes like stamina and energy. Perhaps most importantly, I stopped seeing "feeling better" as the goal.

At the end of the day, I've learned to just look at the whole picture. Though some symptoms return with a vengeance and other improvements fade away for a time, I can say I'm fortunate enough to see a steady and gradual return to "normal." The funny thing is, this can all flip to normal one day, or it might be so subtle and slow I don't even notice until it's over.

In this fourth episode, I talk about a frustrating, persistent, and sometimes debilitating feature of tapering, withdrawal, and readjustment.

Head pressure, headaches, and migraines may not be completely avoidable, but it's possible to eliminate certain triggers as well as create conditions that give us the best chance to feel relief. I talk about different factors to consider such as exercise, activity levels, neck tension, food, supplements, heat, stimulation, and medicine.

One thing to keep in mind is stress itself can lead to head pressure, headaches, and migraines, and what we're going through as our brains adapt to being off psychiatric medication is possibly the most stressful experience we will have ever gone through in our lives. In time, as we heal, these issues will fade in frequency, duration, and intensity.

In this third episode, I talk about my experience going down the rabbit holes of ChatGPT and medication withdrawal/recovery forums when seeking answers and assurance for the truly bizarre, upsetting, and scary symptoms that occur when trying to come off meds. (And honestly, they happen when starting meds and even when at a stable dose!)

Of course, it's completely understandable to seek help and assurance. For me, it wasn't until Month 9 (I'm two weeks shy of one year off as of this recording) that I finally was able to stay away from ChatGPT and forums. However, looking back (and even in the moment), I can see how much precious time, energy, and mental bandwidth I was burning up going down those rabbit holes. At a time when such resources are in limited supply, it's probably best to allocate them to activities that bring us benefits, like going outside for a walk, calling a friend or family member, or just taking a rest.

As with so many things in recovery, this is a chicken-or-the-egg situation. It takes a while for our minds to relax enough to stop going down rabbit holes and seeking constant reassurance, but if we can keep ourselves from falling into those traps, our minds will naturally just relax a bit with time. For myself, I can say that it's gotten to the point where I hardly ever think of using ChatGPT or going on forums to seek answers or reassurance, and when I do have those rare and brief lapses, it's so easy to say no.

In this second episode, I talk about another tricky part of recovery: sleep. It was something I struggled with at times even before taking medication (or tapering/stopping), but it wasn't until being prescribed meds that sleep became such an issue, which is ironic because good quality, consistent sleep is one of the best recovery tools available!

Although I was fortunate enough to never have "classic" insomnia when tapering and eventually stopping meds, my sleep quality was often poor, with a few nights here and there of sleeping through the night. Believe me, I tried it all: supplements, proper sleep hygiene, dietary changes, modifying my work schedule, etc. While these things certainly mitigated the sleep problems, it truly did just take time for my sleep quality and duration to become consistently better. Now, at 11.5 months off all meds, I'm happy to say five or six days out of the week I'm getting a decent night's sleep.

I hope the experience and insights I share here give you some encouragement and ideas for getting better sleep. Even though I don't always sleep as well as I would like to (and how many of us ever did even before taking meds?), even one or two rough nights won't ruin my day like they used to, and that's an important sign of recovery as well.

In this episode, I talk about my struggles with and solutions for a dilemma that has plagued me throughout this recovery journey: reaping the benefits of staying out of the home without creating unnecessary friction.

From the very beginning, I recognized that I almost always felt better when I left the apartment and usually felt worse when returning, mostly because I was stuck inside most of the day due to fatigue and other issues.

Little by little, I found ways to stay out of the apartment, sometimes burning out as a result, but over time I hit upon a few options that were sustainable.

If you, like me, have found it challenging to keep yourself outside while dealing with exhaustion, derealization, anxiety, or a host of other symptoms and conditions, then please consider some of the answers I've come across through trial and error.