The Love Your Life Podcast Episode 26: Endings Are the Place We Begin Hi, and welcome to The Love Your Life Podcast. I’m glad you’re here. Today we’re talking about endings—something we all face, again and again. This time of year brings a lot of them. School years wrap up. Kids move on to the next phase. Some of us are sending high school graduates out into the world. And honestly? That’s been one of the hardest transitions I’ve faced—not when I graduated, but when my own child did. Endings come in all shapes: Jobs change. Relationships evolve. Kids grow. Bodies age. Dreams shift. And eventually, life itself ends. As William Bridges puts it in his book Transitions, “Transition is the natural process of disorientation and reorientation marking turning points in the path of growth.” And yet, most of us don’t give ourselves space for that disorientation. We want to rush to the fresh start and skip the messy middle. But real transitions begin with endings. Not just the event—but what it means internally. How we’re changed by it. Let me ask you—what’s ending in your life right now? A role? A belief? A relationship? A version of you? And how are you responding to it? Are you letting it go—or clinging to what was? That image of the monkey trap comes to mind—reaching in for the fruit, refusing to let go, and staying stuck because of it. That’s how we can get with old identities, patterns, even pain. Not because they serve us—but because they’re familiar. Scarcity tells us, “This might be as good as it gets.” But what if that’s not true? What if letting go is how we clear space for something better? Letting go isn’t easy. It takes courage and a willingness to accept what is. So, here’s what I want to invite you to do this week: ACTION ITEM: Write down your answers to these two questions: What is ending in my life right now? What emotions am I feeling around that ending—and what are they trying to tell me? Name it. Sit with it. Let yourself feel it instead of stuffing it down. Most emotions, when given space, move through us in under five minutes. When we avoid them, they stay—sometimes for years. Socrates said, “The secret of change is to focus all your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” But you can’t build the new until you acknowledge what’s ending. This is where real clarity begins. Thanks for joining me today. In the next episode, we’ll talk about the neutral zone—what I call “the soup”—that awkward, messy, middle part. And why it’s so important not to rush it. Until then, honor the ending. Let it do its work. Talk soon.

Hello and Welcome to The Love Your Life Podcast – This is Episode #25 – Curiosity Does a Lot More Than Kill Cats! I am genuinely excited to talk about one of my favorite and most useful feelings today — the feeling of curiosity. More often than not, we stay focused on feelings we don’t particularly like or want — things like anxiety, loneliness, anger, fear, or overwhelm. And we know that where our focus goes, our energy grows. So, the more we pay attention to how anxious or angry we are, the more anxious or angry we become. And here’s something that might surprise you: resisting something we don’t want is actually the same as focusing on it. That’s why what we resist... persists. So one of the most powerful shifts we can make is simply becoming aware when we’re resisting — when we’re wishing things or people were different, or when we’re caught up in emotions we don’t want. Because once we notice that we’re focused on what we don’t want, we gain a beautiful opportunity: We get to interrupt that pattern — and redirect our attention toward something that will actually serve us. And this is where curiosity comes in. Curiosity is the feeling that helps us build a bridge — a bridge away from what we don’t want, and toward what we do. That makes it one of the most valuable tools in any emotionally intelligent toolkit. If you’ve ever been gripped by the struggle and overwhelm of negativity, you probably know exactly how it shows up for you. Some people tell me it feels like a black hole, with slippery walls and fog swirling around their heads. Others say it’s like a loop of loud, demanding voices they can’t turn off. Personally, I’ve found myself in stretches where everything feels hopeless and negative — and I don’t even realize it until I hear the way I’m speaking to myself or the people closest to me. However your own personal vortex of doom presents itself, I want you to hear this: It’s only an illusion. You don’t have to believe everything it tells you. You don’t have to take every feeling at face value. But — and this part is important — you do have to wake up to it. You have to realize that these feelings are not in alignment with the most joyful, loving, empowered version of you. And today, I want to show you that the fastest way to break free... is curiosity. So Let’s Talk Brain Science (Because It’s So Cool) and you know I am always in awe of how incredible it is that our emotional and physical systems are so delicately balanced. Curiosity is a lot like gratitude because curiosity literally changes your brain. When you get curious, your brain releases dopamine, which is a feel-good chemical that fuels motivation and attention. At the same time, your hippocampus — the part of the brain involved in learning and memory — lights up. That means when you’re curious, you’re not only more engaged, but you actually learn and grow more easily — even if the topic isn’t directly related to what you were curious about. With the dopamine flowing and the hippocampus lit up Curiosity is fueled to moves us out of negative emotions like fear, anxiety, and overwhelm to name a few - and into a space with more possibility and openness that is a lot like exploration. Curiosity has the power to invite softness, compassion, and sometimes even awe when we discover something that we had never noticed before. If you think of children learning new things, they are not usually scared, but they are almost always present. This is the type of energy we are able to step into when we invite curiosity in as the antithesis to fear, anxiety, criticism, judgement, sadness, hopelessness, and anger. Hopefully this information ignites a spark of curiosity today - Maybe you are questioning if this could actually help when you are in your next swirling vortex of doom? Maybe you doubt that it could be that simple, if this is you, ask yourself to consider that maybe I’m on to something and it could possibly be worth your time to find out? Maybe you are just tired of always feeling negative, and you might muster a little grain of hope to consider that there might be something here that you have been looking for today. That is curiosity my friend! Today I will share 3 steps that can move you from negativity, to awareness, to change - and then I will share a couple examples with you to illustrate how curiosity helps us at any age or stage. Step 1: Reflect on Your Daily Emotional Landscape Each night, ask yourself: What were my top three feelings today? If you notice that your answers are consistently negative — frustration, exhaustion, resentment — that’s a signal. Not a judgment. Just a signal. And it’s time to get curious. Step 2: Ask Gentle, Honest Questions Start asking yourself questions about your emotions — not to fix them, but to understand them. “I wonder why I felt that way today?” “What might have been going on underneath that irritation?” “Was I tired, hungry, stressed, or overloaded?” “What was I needing that I didn’t get?” These kinds of questions aren’t about solving a puzzle — they’re about opening your mind up to different possibilities to consider. Curiosity doesn’t expect specific answers, but it does invite you to greater awareness. And that’s where transformation begins. Step 3: Gently Redirect When You’re Stuck When you find yourself spiraling in a negative loop, practice gently redirecting your attention by asking: “What am I not seeing yet?” “If there’s something here for me to learn, what might it be?” “What else could be true in this situation?” You’re not pretending things are okay. You’re simply creating space between yourself and the story your mind is stuck on. And that space? That’s where insight lives. . Thank you for joining me today for Episode 25 – Curiosity Does a Lot More Than Kill Cats! If this episode sparked something for you, I’d love to hear about it. Send me a message or share your insight with someone you love.

Hello and Welcome to the Love Your Life Podcast - This is Episode 24 - The next right step. I had a fantastic session with one of my beautiful clients yesterday and decision making came up. It reminded me that it would be a great podcast episode because it is so fundamental to how we do all the things in our lives. Each of us has a pattern for the way we make decisions. Some of us get through decisions with less stress than others. Some stages of life seem to have more frequent decisions than other stages, and some decisions have bigger results than others. No matter where you are in the stages, the stress, and the opportunities to make decisions, I can predict that you will have a chance to practice what you learn with me today sooner than later. Before we get into the practical tools, I want to start with a story—because sometimes the clearest truths come from the simplest places. Aesop’s fables have been around for thousands of years, and in a way, they’re like ancient life coaching sessions. They use animals and metaphors to teach us about ourselves, our patterns, and our choices. And today’s fable, in particular, speaks right into the heart of decision-making—especially when we’re stuck in our heads with too many options. Let me tell you the story of The Fox and the Cat. One day, a fox and a cat were talking about how they would escape danger if it came their way. The fox boasted, “I know a hundred clever tricks to get away.” The cat replied, “I only know one—but it always works.” Just then, they heard hunters coming. The cat immediately climbed a tree and hid in the branches. The fox, in a panic, couldn’t decide which of his hundred tricks to use—and in that hesitation, he was caught. The moral? Better one safe way than a hundred you cannot decide between. So often in our lives, it’s not lack of options that paralyzes us—it’s the overwhelming number of them. We overthink. We hesitate. We wait for the “perfect” choice to appear. But the truth is: clarity often comes from action—not from thinking harder. Have you heard that one before? It is a good one. Especially in our modern world that is rich with so many good things. Today I want to share 5 things that will help with any decision you have to make. #1 - Beware of the temptation to believe there is only one right answer. IF you are like the fox with lots of options then you can become paralyzed when trying to choose the right one. I have talked to you about cognitive biases before. One such bias or distortion is called splitting. Splitting is a mental operation that divides the world into black or white thinking also known as binary thinking like - Good/bad, Right/wrong, Fair/Unfair, Always/Never win/lose success/failure to name a few - Splitting things into categories is developmentally appropriate for humans to do as children who are trying to make sense of a world that is unpredictable and emotionally overwhelming. .It helps them create order and safety which supports emotional regulation early on as effectively pushes the pause button until they can gain more information and experience to grow into more nuanced thinking. It also helps to lay the groundwork for moral development. Children love boundaries because they feel safe, splitting is like a moral boundary. The more rigid it is the safer it feels at first - so children start to notice the things that will keep them safe - but as we grow we have the capacity to add context, empathy, reasoning, into our thinking which gives us the opportunity to learn how to integrate opposing things and allow them both to be true. LIke the concept that smoking is bad for your health - but it doesn’t mean you are a bad person if you smoke. Or the idea that my friend was mean today, but that doesn’t mean she's a bad person. Little kids don’t understand this from the get go. We all have to develop through this cognitive processor that we start with toward more emotional maturity, and most of us eventually do, but that doesn’t mean that there are not remnants of it ready to jump in when we are tired, stressed, or not intentional. And as it turns out - making decisions is one of those areas where our default programming loves to jump in and overly simplify a process with the hope of providing a sense of safety as fast as possible. But once we start on the path of craving safety, we are more likely to invite fear into our equations. And Fear is never the fuel we want to use to build a life that we love. Safety can be good- but it eventually gets cold, dark, and lonely as we hide away in our safe places. So when making decisions be alert and aware when your brain offers to you that there is a right or wrong decision. When you catch yourself doing this - You can soothe yourself by reminding your brain that there is not one right and one wrong answer - there are simply results that you might like more or less than other results, and you invite yourself to be curious about what those results would be that you would like most. The sooner you get yourself settled and the sooner you can begin the search for the result you think you will like most and begin the process of choosing that. Which is commonly referred to as a decision! Lol 2: Get the Thoughts Out of Your Head You might have noticed when you approach a decision that your options start spinning around in your head all of the time. I think of it like the little spinning wheel on the computer screen while the computer is loading. There is one fast way out of that and that is to get it all out of your brain and into a more tangible form which is best done by writing it out. Your brain is a terrible storage device. Put your thoughts on paper where you can see them clearly. You can call it a thought download, a brain dump, or thought vomit. Just get it out and give yourself a chance to look at it. Ask yourself what you are worried about, afraid will happen, or avoiding first. This allows your lower brain to get out all of the things that it is trying to protect you from. You will feel so much better when you notice the things you want to avoid. 3: Then Get curious- and know your own mind We have already noted that we don’t make our best decisions fueled by fear - so let’s use curiosity to help us here. You are still going to be writing during this part of the process. Start by asking yourself what you need to know to make this decision. Gather any information that your brain comes up with. As an answer to this question. Next ask yourself what you would prefer as the most ideal outcome? This can be tricky if you have only ever looked for the right/wrong answers- But it is so important to take into account what you would actually prefer. You are the one who gets to write the story of your life - don’t let your default programming determine that for you - to me that would be like letting AI decide for me - If it feels overwhelming - just promise yourself to stay curious about that. Depending on the decision, you might break down how the outcome would affect you and the people you are deciding for/with in different ways. I like to use these areas to keep in mind- Physical - Emotional- Fiscal - Social - Spiritual - Familial If you take the time to write down what your goals are in these areas first, you can then get curious how your decision would best align with these goals. The best decisions are going to be in alignment with your goals and values. After you have done the work to know your own mind - you can invite others into your collection of information if your decision involves or affects them. Don’t muddy the water by too many other opinions though - 4- Make the Decision -.and immediately choose to stop deciding- you can do this by Set a deadline. Give yourself a reasonable timeframe to think, gather information, talk to who you need to talk to, and get clear. Make the decision. Once you’ve made it—commit. Don’t revisit it every day. Don't keep circling. I tell myself all the time to fish or cut bait - once we make a choice we need to let it go - and if I have made a choice - I don’t get to beat myself up regretting it - I minimize this - by Set a future date to re-evaluate. If the decision needs adjusting later, you’ll know when to revisit it. Until then—trust yourself and move forward. This frees up so much mental energy. Constant reconsideration is exhausting and rarely helpful. You made a thoughtful choice. Let it stand. 5: You Get to Pivot Here’s the truth: There’s always another next right thing. No decision has to be final forever. You get to choose again. You get to adjust. You get to grow. So if you’re tired from thinking about something too much, take a deep breath and remind yourself: “I don’t have to find the one perfect answer. I just need to take the next right step.”

Welcome to The Love Your Life Podcast, This is Episode #23: It’s Not About You The thing I love most about coaching is the way it can help us improve our relationships. With higher levels of awareness leading us to personal responsibility, we set ourselves and those we love up to become more curious about the people around us which then leads to more compassion for their perspectives and personal struggles. As you have spent some time with me in previous podcasts, you might have already grabbed a hold of an idea or a thought process that has helped you to become more aware of what is going on in your own mind. Awareness is the number one most important first step any of us can make if we want to progress towards change, which could be a myriad of different goals: changing our behaviors, changing our feelings, changing our levels of acceptance for our circumstances, increasing more love and connection in our relationships, etc. Oftentimes, awareness can feel awful. Once we start seeing what we are bringing with us everywhere in terms of our attitudes and actions and start to take 100 percent responsibility for it, it is impossible to not see the things we have done that we are not proud of. If you have hit this stage already - congratulations! You are progressing into the next stage which is using this awareness to make subtle shifts in your thinking, which will change how you feel and how you behave in any given area of your life. You are not doing it wrong, you are simply beginning the process of waking up for the fog that has kept you from seeing the power you have to be the creator of your own life. As I say this, it sounds kind of flowery, and mythical. So let me try another way to explain it - So many of us have spent our lifetimes believing that our circumstances are in charge of how we feel and interface with our life. We believe that feelings are unpredictable and are made or managed by how many good or bad things are happening to us or around us. This is a very vulnerable way to live. It feels out of control, powerless, and sometimes like we are victims to the whims of the people and entities around us. What I am offering as the next step is the understanding that as we become aware of what we are thinking and start to connect our thoughts to the creators of our feelings, and we step into responsibility that those feelings drive the actions of our lives which create the results of our lives, it feels like power and a new form of control. We are no longer victims to the people and entities around us, we are in the driver's seat of what we feel and what we do - and with that awareness comes a bit of remorse for the things we have done when we believed that we were not responsible for our feelings. It also brings the awareness that you have options and choices to make in how you want to create, set up, direct, and interface with your life. You are in charge and this is great news! No one can tell you how you have to think about your life, and no one can limit what you want to create in it. Awareness of this process is such a gift! (which is why I am on a mission to make it available to as many people as I can!) Frequently when I am coaching a client they feel remorse that they didn’t know these things sooner in their life. They wish that they could have had it when their kids were younger and they could have taught them better, or built a stronger family culture. I myself had to slog through this kind of remorse. I had to go through the process to learn that everything happens in perfect timing. This kind of thinking helped me feel grateful that I got my hands on this knowledge when I did. Even though gratitude feels better than sadness that I missed out earlier, it doesn’t take away my awareness that the sooner these principles and practices are gifted to a human, the better off that human is because they will have more clarity as they set up the foundation for their future sooner than I did! So if you are someone who loves younger people and wants to share this information with them, this episode is for you and for them! It is the number one thing I wish I could help younger people understand so that they can shield themselves with this belief when people around them behave poorly. That is - that what other people say and do, or don’t say and don’t do, tells you more about them than it does about yourself. In fact, their words and actions can lead you to understand what they think, you can actually start figuring out what their thought models are, and you will be able to do that long before they do, with my help. What is a thought model anyway? A thought model is the name for the process I have been teaching since episode 2 in this podcast - it is simply that we all have circumstances outside of our control. These circumstances are made up of the people, places, and things around us. They are the facts of our lives, it can be as big as the economy of the world, or as small as what someone whispered as they walked by you in the hallway at school. But circumstances are just facts. They don’t mean anything until we think a thought about them. We think thoughts about circumstances because our brains are always trying to make sense of how the things happening around us relate to ourselves. There are a number of reasons the brain does this. For today, let's just go with the understanding that it is a primary survival instinct because our ancestors who were hyper-aware of their needs, dangers, and social status had a better chance of surviving and passing on their genes. It's important to understand that this is the default mode of your brain. It is what your brain does consistently when not managed. As we grow, we are better able to manage our brains and have them work for us, instead of against us. And understanding the thought model helps us grow into this ability to manage our thoughts- Once you understand that your brain is always thinking thoughts about the people places and things around you, you are ready to see how that relates to the next step of the thought model - That is that the thoughts you think, contribute to and sometimes outright create the feelings in your body. Feelings are simply vibrations of energy that pulse through your body like waves - and they are generated by your thoughts. By being informed of this early in your life you are at an advantage. You don’t have to be scared when you feel feelings, even when they are big ones. They are simply vibrations of energy in your body - and the best part is that you have more control over them than you might have believed when you thought your circumstances created them. The truth is that we are all the buffer between our circumstances and our feelings- The thought model continues to teach us that once a feeling is vibrating through our body, that vibration of energy drives our actions or our inactions - and those actions and inactions combined together, create results in our lives. You might be saying, ok Ronda, this is all fine and good, but why do you want me as a teen or young adult to know this about myself and the people I bump into on the daily? And I am eager to answer that question today! It is because when you understand that every person on this planet is walking around thinking thoughts about their circumstances (which ps you are a circumstance to other people frequently) and that the thoughts they think create their feelings, and that those feelings, drive their actions and inactions - then you can understand why I am telling you that what other people say and do and don’t say and don’t do has nothing to do with you! It is only giving you clues to what they are thinking - because those thoughts are creating all of their feelings, actions and results. The person who can be curious about what other people are thinking and question why someone does what they do, is the person who is better able to stay insulated from the actions of others, and is the person who is able to become aware of what their own thoughts are about themselves and others - it saves you a lot of self induced suffering, Let’s look at some examples - that can help me illustrate my point with the most clarity I can. Here is a pattern that plays out in educational institutions daily. Sam says to George, you are so weird. Why are you hanging out with losers? This is the circumstance - are you having a reaction to this right now, just as I speak it? Let’s look at two possible options for George to react. The first would be a reaction that is not aware of thoughts, and is unmanaged. George - could feel embarrassed when he heard Sam say this, and he then entertained the thought that his friends are losers, and he must be a loser too as long as he is around them. This feeling of embarrassment would produce specific actions - like avoiding his friends when others were watching, trying to act like he doesn’t like them either to Sam, he might abandon his own integrity and say things he doesn’t believe that are negative about his friends, he might even speak disparagingly to them in front of others - and he would then in effect create the result of isolating himself from his friends, and create a situation where he has lost connection to peers and even more sadly lost connection to trusting himself. As he created isolation and disconnection from good friends in his life, he would be creating more evidence that he doesn’t have good friends and that he has indeed lost them or is a loser- Here is how this could play out differently if George had the super power of understanding that Sam’s words mean more about Sam than they do about him. This is is how it would shake out - Sam says to George, you are so weird. Why are you hanging out with losers? When Sam says this - George is instantly aware that Sam is giving him a coded message - and George shifts into a feeling of curiosity. He listens to what Sam says, and wonders what feelings are driving Sam’s actions? Is Sam feeling judgmental because he has grown up being judged by outward things? Is Sam lashing out because someone hurt him recently? Is Sam pointing out something negative in others because he feels lonely and excluded from friends himself? Is Sam having a hard time in his own life, at home, with school, or any other area? AS George fuels his thoughts with curiosity about Sam - nothing Sam says feels so personal - He doesn’t shift to believing Sam - He doesn’t shift towards defending himself or being embarrassed because Sam is right - He simply stays curious about what Sam is teaching him about Sam. It is much easier at this point to notice that Sam is feeling something - that created the energy to speak negative words - which create the result of George steering clear of Sam in the near future - or at the very least - suspending trust towards Sam. and George walks away unaffected by Sam’s Negativity. Case Study 2 - Here is another scenario I hear frequently. Elizabeth walks into a room where she doesn’t know anyone - Maybe it’s a new class schedule and her close friends aren’t in her lunch time, or she has moved to a new school and doesn’t know anyone, or it is a new season of a sport at a new level and they all played before but she didn’t play with them - you pick for you how this might look in your world. But Elizabeth walks into a room where she doesn’t know anyone - and nobody looks up from their phones or their groups - no one says, hello. No one invites her to sit near them, in fact, they act like she isn’t there. Elizabeth doesn’t know that all of these non actions are telling her something about the people in the room - she thinks it means something about her - Her thoughts are - “What is wrong with me? Why doesn’t anyone see me?” This jumping off point - spirals to other thoughts - like “ What am I going to do? Feeling a little panicky, or I knew I shouldn’t have worn this outfit, or maybe, I can get my mom to come get me?” These thoughts lead her to feel embarrassed about herself, nervous and panicky about being in a place where no one cares about her, and drives her to sit separated and not initiating any conversation, eye contact, or smiles herself- Which creates the result of further separation and no chance to get to know anyone in the room. This can go on as long as Elizabeth keeps believing her thoughts that something is wrong with her - or as she shifts to judging them for being non inclusive snots - and new friendships will not be made. Let’s try on the circumstance with an Elizabeth that understands that what people do and don’t do tells her something about them, not about her. When she walks in the room and nobody looks up, makes eye contact or invites her to sit - she is aware that her brain wants to look inward - instead she remembers she needs to stay curious right now and figure out the clues these kids are giving her. She wonders if she has ever been in a room of people she is comfortable with before and not been aware enough that someone was new and not including them? She remembers that there was that new girl at the church meeting recently that she didn’t go introduce herself- she kind of kicks herself for that in this moment, and also realizes that sometimes people are just distracted. She wonders what these kids are distracted with? Do they use their phones as shields because they have social anxiety? Are they having a bad day? Are they worried about not fitting in? Is it possible they are judgmental and self absorbed? Sure - that could easily be the case - and she remembers how that one girl in the bathroom didn’t sound very nice talking to her friend about the teacher. But she reminds herself that she wasn’t judgmental when she forgot to talk to the new girl at church, she was just distracted and a little nervous - This curiosity feels soothing - like she can look at herself from outside her body and see what it's like to be a new person in a room of full of people- She uses this moment of soothing - to scan the room and look for someone that looks sad, bored, or isolated themselves - and chooses them as the person she will go sit by and practice her reaching out skills that she has been learning with her life coach, Ronda. She takes a deep breath and wills herself forward - She decides to go with the Use an Observation + Question Approach- This means that she sits herself comfortably near the person and speaks out loud an observation about the room of people. It could be something like - wow - looks like there are a lot of people on their phones right now - Followed by a question: Do you think the teacher will ask us to put them away when they get here? Once the person looks up from their phone and answers, Elizabeth moves into the next step Ronda has taught her - which is to Introduce Yourself with Confidence She has the person’s attention and she is not expecting the other person to do the work to help Elizabeth feel better - she knows that is her own job. She looks her in the eye and says “Hi, I’m Elizabeth. I’m new here and excited to meet everyone. What’s your connection to this group?” This is a great lead in because it is using curiosity - it works because It breaks the ice quickly and invites the other person to share about themselves. And remember - brains are always happy to talk and notice things about themselves. This helps the person feel comfortable around you, and at the very least - have something specific to answer- From there - Elizabeth can continue asking her questions - and keep the conversation moving along- or feel like she can at least sit by someone and not be awkward. In the best case scenario - it could be enough of a shake up for the person you introduced yourself to to keep them talking and not hiding - I have had people tell me that they select the person they will go sit by in different ways The most success will come when you are on the lookout for something that you might have in common with someone - it makes the curiosity natural - and easy to respond to when a question is asked. The most important thing in this kind of circumstance - is to stop your brain from going down the rabbit hole of thinking bad things about yourself and to access curiosity to look outward and play with understanding what is going on in the thought models of the people around you. It helps each of us turn into a bit of a detective instead of beating up on ourselves for no good reason. Let me close today by sharing that the very best super power is that you will learn to lean into curiosity AS we invite curiosity into our lives more consistently - life gets better, we attract great people to be around us, and we stop getting hung up on focusing on what people around us think and feel about us, while having more energy to be aware of what we think and feel about ourselves. Whether you are 15 or 50 - these principles work!

If you’ve been following along, you know that in the last two podcasts, I have talked about different angles of accepting the circumstances of our lives, or the things we cannot control as a way to create more peace in our life. You have also heard me speak about the 50/50 before. When I refer to that, I am saying that earth life is made up of 50 percent positive and 50 percent negative circumstances. If these are the odds I’m going with, then it is inevitable that there are going to be painful experiences around this place and that they will be fairly consistent. It is a life skill to make peace with the pain. And today, We start with learning how to not turn the original pain into more suffering by resisting it. Let me share two stories to illustrate what I mean. Have you ever read the fable from Aesop about The Bald Man and the Fly? This is how it goes - One day, a bald man was sitting outside enjoying the fresh air when a fly landed on his head. He was Irritated by the fly’s buzzing, so he swatted at forcefully at it, hoping to get rid of the pest. Unfortunately, in the process, he smacked his own head hard, causing himself more pain than the fly ever could. The fly, thought this was funny and mocked him saying: "You tried to kill me for such a small offense, yet you've only brought more harm upon yourself!" The bald man replied, "I would rather endure a hundred blows from myself than let a creature like you go unpunished!" Of course the moral of the story is that reacting harshly to minor annoyances can cause more harm than the original problem itself—a direct parallel to the idea that resisting pain only increases suffering. As I say - Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. Aesop seems intent on teaching us a lesson on being patient and not letting small grievances escalate into larger self-inflicted wounds. This is very similar to the phrase adding insult to injury. The injury has already happened - why spend our time insulting ourselves about it additionally? The injury or initial pain would, of course, be the fly landing on our heads - but the insult or the suffering comes by hitting ourselves over and over as we are mad at the fly. Here is another similar story. Pretend you have just watched someone you care about get bitten by a poisonous snake. You know logically that their first instinct should be to get the venom out of their system and seek medical help. But instead you watch them focus all their energy on chasing down the snake to get revenge. They are limping through the area with a shovel while screaming madly at the snake. They taunt it and challenge it hoping it will reveal itself to them, so they can hit it back, but their only result is that the snake is nowhere to be found and their activity drives the venom deeper into their circulation and delays them from getting to the anti venom. In the end, the longer they wait to get the medicine, the more harm is done to their body - and there could even be lasting consequences. Notice that the snake bite is something that they had no control over - it is the injury - or the pain - or the fly from Aesop's fable - or the rock in the river bed. It is reality. What happens next determines how much suffering takes place - and this is exactly what each of us has the opportunity to decide for ourselves. Buddhist teachings have a concept called dukkha, which refers to suffering, dissatisfaction, or discomfort in life. The Buddha taught that suffering arises not just from painful experiences themselves but from our resistance to them. Clinging to how we wish things should be, rather than accepting what is, creates unnecessary suffering. In the snake and the fly story the “victims” focus on the thing that went wrong that they could not control. They get angry about it, they seek revenge or retribution, they use the choice and control that is theirs- which is the ability to choose how they will react- in a way that only brings more pain and harm to their situation. They add insult to injury. They create suffering where only pain exists, and they argue with reality as they do so. Notice that their frustration, anger, and resistance to their original pain point fuels actions that are not productive. This is one big aha that all of us can use to our benefit. When we take action from negative feelings or energy - we will almost always create results we do not love. The trick is to allow the feelings that painful circumstances stir up - learn from them, then settle them down and figure out how to take action only when fueled by better, more productive feelings. My favorite feelings to help clients grab ahold of when they are pulling themselves out of circumstances that aren’t their favorite - is curiosity, trust in self, and hope that things will get better. But the first step towards settling things down is Acceptance. Learning how to accept the things we cannot control without drama reduces suffering immediately. I bet you will find that This is not the norm if you look around you at the people in your life - so to practice acceptance on the level I am suggesting is quite radical. Which is just what I will call it today. So What do I mean by Radical acceptance? Radical acceptance is the ability to accept situations outside of our control without judgment and on purpose, and I mean all circumstances, which in turn reduces suffering. To be clear, It is not about agreeing with or approving of a situation; it’s about acknowledging the reality of our circumstances, and then not reacting in negative ways, which will help us not to make things harder for ourselves. One of the very first things I do to help myself and others acknowledge reality is to label my circumstance as clinically and factually as I can. Which means that you don’t use adjectives - and you try to just state facts. Then,I tell myself that this is the part of my story where such and such fact happens. Ok, self, this is just the part of the story where we experience health concerns. This is much different than saying - this is the part of the story where I die. Or This is the part of the story where the children move away. Instead of this is the part of my story where I am left lonely and ignored by my bratty children that should care more about my feelings. Notice how the drama increases with my adjectives? This is the part of my story where my husband and I have things to figure out is a much more factual and less dramatic statement - than this is the part of the story where my selfish husband doesn't hear me or see me, and I’m left holding the bag of a lifetime of his bad habits. This is the part of the story where this person does not want the same things I want. Is easier to make peace with than - this is the part of my story where I am not good enough for them and I never will be good enough for anyone worth having. The latter really does sound and feel like punching ourselves over and over in the face just like the bald man went after the fly. So the way you label your circumstances matter - pay attention to the way you tend to narrate your circumstances in your head. Slow down, take away the adjectives, and try to be as factual as possible. Once we have acknowledged what the reality is - we can remember that we have a choice about how we want to proceed. We can choose to resist it - or we can do our best to accept and allow for it. A phrase that I use on repeat when I am working on accepting a difficult circumstance is to remind myself that nothing has gone wrong here. This is earth life. I am on earth. Of course there is a part of my story like this. Nothing has gone wrong. This helps me not get too worked up about the drama of any given circumstance. I see how this leans into the Buddhist practice of mindfulness. which helps us observe our emotions and thoughts without becoming attached to them. So once I have labeled my circumstance as clearly as I can - and have reminded myself that it is ok that this is part of my story - I can be in a place where I watch my thoughts and feelings to see what they are telling me. And as I watch I remember that I do not have to believe every thought I think. This means I can acknowledge and feel pain without arguing with it which would then turn the pain into suffering. IF you want to learn how to be more radical in accepting your life - this is going to include all of the people in it. They are going to do and say a lot of hurtful things. They are going to disappoint you and outright accuse or dislike you. They are going to neglect and forget about you, and you are going to be tempted to chase after them and prove how wrong or selfish they are. But I must inform or remind you that this is not resisting - this is not accepting - this is creating suffering out of pain. I have clients that take umbrage with this part - they can get caught up with how important it is to set the record straight - They want to make sure the other person sees them - hears them - and acknowledges that they are wrong - But ask yourself what you would do if this person and their words and actions or non words and non actions were simply a rock in the river bed you are flowing down? This will give you a better answer on how to handle them with acceptance and grace. When I push people towards accepting others, some will inevitably confuse it with condoning or forgiving someone for their behavior. This is worth addressing today. Let's look at it in a kind of case study. Let’s say you have a family member who repeatedly lies to you - and you are consistently emotional about not trusting them, and being hurt and offended that they are not honest with you. Then I suggest you are going to have to practice some radical acceptance of this person - because this is someone who is not yours to control, you don’t have the power to change them, and you are really suffering because of your focus on their negative behavior, meaning you can't stop thinking and talking about it to those in your inner circle. You tell me that this is not a good idea because you believe that if you accept their lying, it means you are condoning it. But radical acceptance isn’t about approving of their behavior—it’s about acknowledging reality as it is so that you can stop suffering over something you cannot control. When you resist reality, you stay stuck in frustration and disappointment. But when you accept that this person is someone who lies, you free yourself from the emotional turmoil that comes from expecting them to be different. You will still have feelings about it, but they won’t be masked by anger and frustration - they will be more like sadness and loss, and will be easier processed when you can see and name them for what they are. From that place of clarity, you can decide how to interact with them in a way that protects your peace—whether that means setting boundaries, limiting your engagement, or simply choosing not to take their dishonesty personally.. You don’t have to forgive someone to accept what has happened, and you don’t have to accept someone’s behavior to stop suffering from it. Acceptance is about you, not them. Which leads me to the next stop on the brain train trying to get to acceptance - which is the argument that acceptance will mean throwing in the towel which feels especially scary when it's someone we care about. If this is the case - the push towards acceptance will elicit some big feelings and lead us to try harder to save the people we care about from themselves and their poor behaviors because we love them too much to let them be less than they could be. But notice what the results usually are when we resist people who tell us who they are , especially when it is in the name of loving them. We almost always will create tension in our relationship, which will make the person we are trying to “help” feel defensive which means they will resist us more - and create even more distance than our resistance to their behavior created in the first place. We will tell ourselves we are chasing after them and resisting the reality they are creating because we want to have more love and connection, but we will only create distance - and disconnection. The proof is in the pudding - acceptance makes space for more love and connection and resistance creates less love, more disconnection, and far less peace. Radical acceptance is not about giving up; it’s about letting go of the struggle that is keeping you stuck. It’s about reclaiming your energy from places where you have no control and redirecting it toward what you can influence. When you practice radical acceptance, you create space for more peace, more clarity, and ultimately, more freedom. You stop fighting battles that can’t be won, and instead, you learn to navigate life with grace and resilience. You allow yourself to feel pain without adding unnecessary suffering. And most importantly, you recognize that the power to create a life you love doesn’t come from controlling everything around you—it comes from how you choose to respond to it. So the next time you find yourself resisting a difficult situation, ask yourself: Am I making this harder than it needs to be? Am I arguing with reality? If the answer is yes, take a deep breath, step back, and remind yourself that you have another option. Acceptance, surrender, and non resistance are my favorite go to’s . I hope they can help you break free of your next struggle. Because in the end, life will always bring both joy and hardship. The question isn’t if you will face challenges, but how you will choose to meet them. And when you meet them with radical acceptance, you give yourself the ability to love your life, no matter what.

Hello and welcome to the Love Your life Podcast - This is episode 21 - Surrender

In our last episode, we talked about resistance—the mental struggle we create when we argue with reality. We learned that what we resist, persists. Today, I will help you see what happens when we stop resisting? What happens when, instead of pushing against life, we choose to surrender?

The law of non resistance teaches us to be like a mountain stream that peacefully goes around the rocks, boulders, and debris in its path without making a fuss. It always makes it to the bottom of the hill and creates so much beauty for those of us that get to sit by its side.  The opposite is when we resist or  we argue with the obstacles in our path. Which would be like a stream yelling at every rock or branch on its way down the mountain and stopping the flow to their destination until the rock or branch either moves or apologizes for being there in the first place. 

I know it sounds kind of ludicrous to think of a flowing stream of water stopping and arguing with rocks and trees along it’s way - but that is figuratively what so many of us do with the circumstances of our lives. Humans have this unique tendency to lean towards the dramatic when life presents an obstacle in between where we think we want to be and where we are? 

The concept of  surrender— does not mean, just giving up, It is a powerful tool for freeing ourselves from unnecessary struggle and drama.

According to the Britannica Dictionary, surrender means:
"To agree to stop fighting, hiding, or resisting—because you know that you will not win or succeed."

I think the thing to pay attention to in this definition is to notice that surrender means to stop resisting or fighting. This tells us that if you need to learn how to surrender then you are already engaged in a struggle - So learning to surrender is your second line of defence if you didn’t quite manage to practice non resistance with things in your path - it means you are river that has stopped flowing while you argue with a rock in your path. Just like a river refusing to flow - the pressure will keep building the longer you stand there and argue - so the sooner you get to understanding that arguing with a rock - or reality - however you want to name it - is futile. You are not going to win - and it’s time to surrender and move on.

Some of us who have been arguing with reality for longer or louder than others- don’t even like the name surrender.  They think it sounds like defeat. I want you to hear from the get go that surrender isn’t weakness - it is wisdom.  It isn’t even a passive pose - it takes work. Neither is it actually giving up - it is more like using your wisdom and clarity - to fuel your ability to refile something into the category of God’s to control or theirs to control - and then making the decision to pry your fingers off the strangle hold you have on whatever you are resisting.

Michael Singer is the  author of The Untethered Soul, which is a book I HIGHLY recommend if you are someone who struggles with surrender and resistance.  And He says that in …
"The moment you stop resisting, the moment you accept things exactly as they are, the weight lifts."

And that’s exactly what I”m hoping to help you do after you spend your time with me today. I want to help you lift the weight of unnecessary struggle.

That thought error is simply that we think we can control something that we cannot control. 

I want you to keep remembering  that last week I introduced sorting circumstances into three categories- Mine to control, theirs to control or God’s to control. If the circumstance you struggle with does not reside in your category to control - you will have to make some kind of strategy to stop resisting - or if you are already resisting - you are going to have to figure out how to surrender to it.

There are frequently pretty little words along the path to resistance, like I should or I shouldn’t.  Or they should or they shouldn’t - or I just want …. Them to be safe, or happy, or healthy…. Fill in the blank with something that seems nice on the surface.  And because it is so pretty you will get distracted and start trying to make your child be happy by manicuring every single pebble on the path they will walk - instead of helping your child learn how to have the emotional resilience tools to walk on any kind of boulder strewn path - If you have done this for any amount of time - you will understand that eventually trying to control things that are not yours - even when you have had such lovely reasons to do so, will bite you in the butt.  Your resistance will wear you out - and surrender will sound like a good idea.

There will also be false pieces of evidence that lead us to believe we CAN control things outside of us. This is always a fun one to uncover - because if you have had success in life, or had things go the way you preferred - and you believed that it happened because you had been perfect and controlled yourself in contorted or exaggerated ways - then you will keep trying to be perfect and turn yourself into bigger and bigger pretzel knots - so that you can control something that was never really yours to control in the first place, but seemed to line up with your actions.  

You will most likely have examples from just this week of living here on earth where you tried to or were tempted to try and control something that wasn’t in a category you can control. Things like other people’s feelings is a big one to learn how to stop resisting. Many people believe it is their job to make those around them feel better- but it is actually impossible to control the feelings of others. We never get to control what others think - so it is impossible to control how they feel - oh they might tell you that they are happy when you do x,y, and z, and they are unhappy when you do A,B,C - but that doesn’t mean you are controlling their feelings when you choose to do or not do things - that is a thought error fueled by past experiences that appeared like you were in control - but give a toddler exactly what they want and then watch them lose their mind anyway a time or two- and you will begin to see that it isn’t about how perfectly we do things people say they want - it is more accurate to say that it is about what they think about the things we do and say or don’t do or don’t say.

Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor and author of Man’s Search for Meaning, which if you haven’t ordered and read after my first few episodes- you might want to consider doing that now….  Anyway, he offers this wisdom:

"When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves."

Surrender isn’t about accepting defeat. It’s about shifting our focus from what we cannot change to what we can.

I noted before that many people think of surrender as weakness - but I am offering it as a strength - Fighting against the realities in our life is what makes us tired - and tiredness makes us weak - Surrender means we stop the fight against things we cannot control and use our energy while it is stronger to focus on the things that we can control but still require our attention and effort.  

It is always beautiful to me when I am coaching someone to watch them surrender to their reality - and truly stop the struggle with something that is gutting them - and then invite them to tell me what they are going to do now that they have decided to stop using all of their energy to yell at the giant boulder that they have been focused on. Once they surrender and flow around the boulder - an entire new path is clear before them, and they can almost always tell me what they will do next - and the weight that they let go of in front of my eyes - is palpable=- their next focus is done with so much more ease.

This reminds me of the Zen proverb that says,"Let go or be dragged." When we resist it feels like being dragged through life- when we surrender we go with lightness - lightness meaning  they go with less heaviness  - and also meaning they go with more light as in their path is brighter.  

It is also important to note that we not only struggle and resist our own realities - we actually use our great brains to make up things to resist - like expectations about what we think should happen - and fears about what we think could happen - This is very very common to be so gripped by the belief that what we are afraid of will happen and spend all of our energy resisting that prediction.  This kind of resistance is next level because we are literally doing the whole thing in our own heads - but we are robbing ourselves of real life connections and experiences because we are so dug into the activity of stopping the entire river from going down the canyon while we fight with a rock.

So take a second here and ask yourself: How often you hold onto expectations, frustrations, and fears—dragging them with us when we could simply release them?

Eckhart Tolle says - The moment you completely accept your non-peace, your non-peace becomes transmuted into peace. Anything you accept fully will get you there, will take you into peace. This is the miracle of surrender”

I am going to be bold here and tell you that fighting what is - is actually the thing we do because we are weak - or emotionally immature - when we are mature and strong we are able to surrender better and faster - 

And this is good news - because all of us start out in life in a childlike and immature state - and the goal is for all of us to grow into a more mature adult. So no matter how old you are, wherever you are on the spectrum of arguing with reality vs surrendering to it - there is room for growth - you are on a spectrum - and just by becoming aware that there is an alternative to being mad and dramatic about what is - you are giving yourself the opportunity to step out of that habit and grow.

I think it is perfect timing today to repeat the serenity prayer together - 

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference."

This is what surrender looks like: Accepting what’s out of our hands while taking responsibility for what we can influence.

🔹 We don’t control the world, but we control how we show up in it.
🔹 We don’t control others, but we control our own thoughts and actions about them and around them.
🔹 We don’t control the past, but we control how we move forward.

We don’t control nature- but we can control how we respect it.

IF surrender feels unnatural to you - that’s okay - it does take practice to increase your surrender capacity.  

I like to invite my people to write down the top five things in their life that feel the most prickly, annoying, agitating, or angry about - and then write out what you can and cannot control about these things- Whatever lives in the cannot control side of things means that you have found the perfect place to practice surrender - 

Practicing surrender looks like - awareness - when you catch yourself being attracted to the annoyance or drama of it all - use the image of the river floating around the rock and then down the river out of sight.

Surrender looks like - repeating to yourself on purpose and as long as it takes- this is not mine to control. This is not mine to control - and then we follow this up with a predetermined mantra that we do believe and can control.  It could be as simple as - I am ok. I am ok. All is well.

Surrender can look like the practice of feeling your feelings - You can go learn exactly how to do this in episode 7.  I love this practice - and it is a beautiful way to allow your own feelings about any situation - with out fear or resistance.

Surrender also means you stop fighting against your expectations and fears- my favorite way to do this is to remind myself that of course this should be happening to me, right now. Life is 50/50 and this is part of the 50 that isn’t my favorite - this is ok - nothing has gone wrong here.

However, wherever, and whenever you choose to practice letting go of the things you are fighting against in your life this week- I can guarantee you one thing - It will make you feel better. And when you feel better - you do better - and when you are doing better - you like being you and you like being in your life a lot more than you did when you were arguing with reality.

I will share with you that one of the biggest fights I have ever had with reality lasted years. I honestly believed that there were people in my life that needed to change because they were behaving  poorly - and creating problems for me. While I believed this, I became an altered version of myself. I literally set up camp in the river stream and held back the equivalent flow of the great Mississippi while I argued with this giant rock in my path. The preoccupation with this effort took me away from being the person I wanted to be.  It robbed me of peace, connection, and experiences, It also stalled my personal growth. Not until I truly understood and believed that It doesn’t matter what other people do or say or don’t do or don’t say - did I break free and figure out how to control what I can control. Once I figured out how to focus on controlling me - I was able to find lots of tools to help me manage myself. They came to me almost effortlessly once I had ears to hear and eyes to see.

They say that when the student is ready - the teacher will appear. My teachers were patiently waiting in line for me to listen to them. This podcast is my homage to them. If you are a student looking for your teacher, I hope this podcast can be one of your resources. If you know someone who is also looking, send them a link today.

I am doing my best to make this information available to anyone who is ready to stop resisting, quiet their struggles, and start controlling more of themselves than they did yesterday. If you are interested in more focused help to get you through a struggle with more directness and less time floundering -then go to my website - Rondaloveridge.com and sign up for a free discovery call . I can help you see a new way through or around. 

For Today - remember that when you argue with the rocks in your path - you will waste your energy - let go of the war with things you cannot control - and waive the white flag of surrender. Your body, your mind, and your people will all thank you for it. 

Talk to you soon!

Can you  name the famous movie character who gave us this line? If so, kudos to you! If not, stay tuned and it will be revealed to you before I finish today!

Over the next few episodes, we’re going to explore three powerful tools for freeing yourself from unnecessary stress and suffering. They are: Non-Resistance, Surrender, and Radical Acceptance. These are different approaches to the same core truth—Which is that life becomes easier when we stop resisting reality.

Think about what it is like to swim against the current versus the current - it is so much easier when the current is behind us instead of against us - that is exactly what I mean when I say that life is easier when we are not resisting Reality -.

Let’s start with words from one of my favorite thinkers, Byron Katie:"The only time we suffer is when we believe a thought that argues with what is." "If you want reality to be different than it is, you might as well try to teach a cat to bark. But no matter how hard you try, the cat will just look up at you and say, 'Meow.'” 

Teaching a cat to bark is the ultimate exercise in trying to change something that you cannot change - and have no control over - 

Let's Take a moment to think about How many things we might resist on a daily basis. The weather, your child’s behavior, what your spouse does or doesn’t do, politics, genetics, health, the traffic, your appearance, grocery prices, your own emotions, and any general wishing that people or things would be different or should be different.

We all do it, and no matter who we are, resistance doesn’t change reality. It only makes life more difficult - If you have listened to Episode 5 on the 50/50 - you will recall that life is 50% positive and 50% negative - so if you are resisting reality you will be resisting at least 50% of the details of your life- that is a lot of energy spent being mad, frustrated, or disappointed about things you cannot change- it feels like you are carrying a weight on your back while you swim against the current of the details of your life. Which is why the sooner we stop resisting - what is - the sooner we feel better.

Have you ever heard of the Law of Non Resistance? It  is one of the 12 universal laws - It teaches that when you resist something, you actually give it more power. 

This means that the energy you put into frustration, judgment, or avoidance only amplifies the very thing you don’t want. Tony Robbins says, ‘Where focus goes, energy flows.’ And that’s exactly what happens when we resist something in our lives—we pour our energy into the struggle. 

Think about the last time you resisted a situation, whether it was a difficult conversation, an unexpected setback, or even the weather. The more you focused on how ‘wrong’ it was, the bigger the problem seemed." 

Carl Jung coined the phrase, What you resist, persists." and Eckhart Tolle - added Whatever you fight, you strengthen. 

No matter which phrase you like the best, they all tell us that the things we resist get more energy - and that energy creates more of what we don’t want. 

One of the most fascinating examples of this is judgment - I have noticed that the simple act of judging something negatively makes me more likely to actually create the very thing I am judging others for. It is kind of like the mote and the beam parable which teaches us that when we are so busy focusing on tiny mistakes or problems of others we miss the giant mistakes or problems in ourselves. 

This is why learning to stop resisting reality is so important, it will- mean that we learn to stop giving our attention and focus to the things we don’t want - which frees us up to shift our focus more to what we do want.

- Let me share a couple examples of how shifting our focus changes our results: 

Example 1: Circumstance: Reading a Story in the News 

🔹 Resistant Thought: "People should be kinder." → (Feeling) Anger, disappointment → (Action) Complain, look for more evidence of unkindness → (Result) I become unkind myself. 

🔹 Acceptance Thought: "People can only know what they know." → (Feeling) Compassion → (Action) Get curious, seek understanding, take action where I can → (Result) I contribute to kindness rather than amplifying negativity. 

Example 2: Your Child Comes Home Crying from School 

🔹 Resistant Thought: "I just want them to be happy." → (Feeling) Sadness, frustration → (Action) Try to fix, dismiss their feelings, get upset with whoever hurt them → (Result) Prolonged unhappiness for both of us. 🔹 Acceptance Thought: "They are entitled to their feelings." → (Feeling) Presence, calm → (Action) Listen, validate, allow them to process emotions → (Result) They feel supported and learn resilience. 

In each of these examples - the circumstance - or the reality is the same - but the way we approach the reality with our thoughts creates completely different results - 

This is the difference in resisting reality versus accepting our reality. It is also why I can tell you that you can love your life more today than you did yesterday without changing people and things in your life . But changing your mind in relation to them creates entirely different feelings about your life. 

My favorite visual for thinking about the law of non resistance is a mountain stream. I love to hike -and when I am out hiking, you will almost always find me taking time to sit by water - and running water is my favorite. I love the sound of it, I love the coolness of it, I love watching it - I love everything about it. I bet you have been near mountain streams yourself. When you picture water flowing down a mountain and it hits a rock, what does it do? It flows around it right? It doesn’t stop and argue, saying, “This rock shouldn’t be here!” It simply moves around the obstacle, always finding the path of least resistance. If we had to listen to water arguing with every obstacle in its path, it would certainly not be peaceful to sit near itt. And that is exactly what happens in our lives. It is not that there are obstacles, difficulties, or things we don’t like in our lives that saps our peace, it is that we resist and argue with all of these things in our own minds and frequently out loud! This is incredibly energy draining and peace disrupting.

Think about how it is when you see someone inside of their car alone - and you can see them gesturing and yelling - but you can’t hear them- They are arguing with the reality of traffic - but the only peace that is really compromised is the quiet that could have existed in their own car. 

If we take our cues from the mountain stream, instead of resisting life’s difficulties, we would move through them with grace—acknowledging what is and flowing forward. 

And the result is instantly more peaceful and enjoyable. 

My best mental hack to help me notice when I am resisting reality is to sort things out in my mind to figure out if I have control over something that I am bothered by. Because I have learned that so much of our suffering comes from trying to control things that I simply cannot control.

So I ask myself: whose business is it, really? And it will fall into one of three categories. 

🔹 My business: How I respond, how I show up. 

🔹 Their business: Their thoughts, actions, and emotions. 

🔹 God’s business (or reality’s business): Everything outside of any one’s control. 

These three categories help me sort out where I have power to act very quickly, and the power to act is the only control I have. Whenever I catch my clients resisting their own realities, I help them quickly sort out their control by asking: 

Whose business are you in right now? Or Whose job is this to manage? 

It is a fantastic practice to notice when you feel frustration or tension and then ask: "Am I arguing with reality? Whose business am I in? Or Whose job is this to manage? If you can’t control it is not your job.

And if it is not your job, stop resisting what is and move on - By simply noticing, you will create space for a shift that allows you to move on - or flow around the obstacle that is robbing you of your peace. 

I have time today to give you some real life examples of how dropping the focus on what you don’t like and don’t want - helps bring more peace. 

I had a client who constantly resisted feeling anxious. Every time she felt overwhelmed, she’d say, ‘I shouldn’t be feeling this way! I need to get rid of this anxiety.’ But what we were able to notice together was that every time she told herself she shouldn’t be like she was - she just felt more anxious about being anxious. 

Through coaching, we worked on accepting the anxiety—allowing it to be there without fighting it. We made her anxiety be a rock in a river bed and when she noticed it - she learned to name it, describe it, locate it, and then just allow herself to see it, but not get attached to making it mean anything except that it was a vibration in her body, and she could go on with the flow of her day and thoughts without being scared of it. It just was - until it wasn’t. 

And just like any area of life - when she stopped giving it so much attention - it and allowed it to just be - the feeling lessened. She could move through it instead of being stuck in it. 

There is probably a feeling that you are more likely to get stuck in than others - we all have our own favorite indulgent emotions - what is yours? What would it be like if you didn’t let anxiety, fear, or overwhelm mean anything was wrong? It is just a feeling that humans feel - and it can be acknowledged, but it does not have to mean anything - you can just flow on through it? Would that change the way you experience parts of your life? 

Another client of mine was struggling in their marriage. They had a long list of ways their spouse ‘should’ be different. They wanted more affection, better communication, and a stronger emotional connection. And while those desires were valid, the constant resistance—wishing their spouse were different—was keeping them stuck in frustration instead of love. 

We worked on shifting their thought from ‘My spouse should be more affectionate’ to ‘I can love them as they are and show up the way I want to.’ And you know what happened? When they dropped their resistance, their relationship improved. Not because their spouse changed, but because they stopped needing them to." 

The list of shoulds we have about our partners, our family members, our coworkers, or anything in our life really - are likes rocks in the river - the more we believe that people and things should be different - the less peace we have - 

Using the sorting technique of whose job it is to manage what should be different - helps you practice letting go of your resistance to what is - and leads you to a more peacefully experience those you want to love better than you currently are. 

If your energy goes where your focus tells it to go - let's practice energizing the things we like about the people in our lives, instead of the things we wished were different. 

Let go of what is not your job to control and control what you can - which is yourself - and how much you love others. 

Resistance is like carrying a heavy weight, while you swim upstream, simultaneously trying to teach a cat to bark. —it only exhausts you. 

But when you release the need for things to be different than they are, you free yourself to take inspired, effective action. 

Byron Katie - said when I fight against reality, I lose. But only every time.

The choice is up to each of us how much we want to fight with reality - but the outcome is the same for all of us - it robs us of peace, makes life more difficult, creates friction and distance from the people we love,  is exhausting, and after all of these negative results- we will still lose - 

So cue the tagline - It is Useless to Resist - Darth Vader used these words against Luke Skywalker as he tried to turn him to the dark side - but I am using them to lighten your load! So stop resisting you must - if you want to love your life more today than you did yesterday! 

Thanks for  spending your time with me today! The topics of non resistance, surrender, and acceptance are particular favorites of mine. Let me know in the comments what you think about them. If you have someone you know who is tired from resisting what is - send them this episode right now. It is a simple thing - that you can control- .

Talk to you soon!

Hello and Welcome to The Love Your Life Podcast. This is Episode 19: Are You Lovable? Before we jump into this burning question - don’t forget to visit The Love and Confidence Podcast episode 115, for my interview with Laerke Nielsen that aired yesterday. Our conversation was such a powerful reminder that when we truly know our worth, we navigate life with more confidence and clarity. And that brings us to today’s question—one that so many of us wrestle with: Are you lovable? Have you ever wondered this? Perhaps you come at it in a different way? Maybe you question your worth instead of your lovability? Many people, often unconsciously, believe their worth is tied to how lovable they are. You might be surprised how many of us are asking questions like this to ourselves. Have you ever caught someone you love speaking this outloud or caught yourself thinking it? Here are some other questions that might tip you off to consider if you are pondering your lovability? Do people like me? Am I enough? Am I too much? Would they still like me if they knew this (fill in the blank thing) about me? Why didn’t I get invited to the event? Why don’t they call/text? Did I do a good job? Another way to tell if we are not feeling lovable is to pay attention to things we do. Here are some common actions that give you a clue about that. Over-giving – Hoping that doing more for others will make them feel loved and in return they will love you. Posting on social media – Fishing for likes, comments, or attention to feel seen and valued. Testing boundaries – Pushing limits in relationships to see if love is conditional or unconditional. Clinging or withdrawing – Either getting extra close or pulling away to see if someone chases after them. Whether it is questioning our worth, or questioning our lovability, all of these questions and actions have something in common. They are all outward focused. When we question if we are lovable we are asking if people around us see something worth loving in us. We are wondering if we are attractive enough, smart enough, good enough, sweet enough, contributing enough, strong enough, or “whatever enough” to be loved. Today, I want to help you consider that wondering if we are lovable enough in the eyes of others is the wrong question. Because it is actually never about how lovable we are, rather it is about how able to love others are. One thing to keep in mind is that what others say and don’t say, or do and don’t do - is always telling us something about them. How can I be so sure about saying this, you might ask? It is because I understand what drives actions - and it is never a circumstance that creates our specific actions or non actions- It is always what we think about a circumstance. And as wonderful and as important as we are in our own minds, we are only ever a circumstance in somebody else’s life. We do and say things that are merely facts for others to think thoughts about, and those thoughts - create feelings - and those feelings fuel the actions that they do or do not take - so the way people speak to and treat others is always a clue for us to understand what they think and feel - true it could be a clue to what they think and feel about us - but it is never because we are lovable, worthy, or good - it is only ever because of how the people around us are able to manage their own thoughts and feelings. Which is based largely on how they have been loved and treated by others to start with. And don’t forget - no matter how perfect you are - you never get to control what others think about you. A great example of this- is the story of Beauty and the Beast - The Beast basically does everything possible to be unlovable. Locks Belle’s father in a dungeon, holds her captive, yells at her, doesn’t shave, sabotages her friendships with the candles, is scary, and most likely has bad breath. In true timeless fashion, this story has endured because of its universal appeal. Most of us can relate to the Beast—we all have traits that aren’t always easy to love. But as the saying goes, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Belle demonstrates this throughout the story, not only by seeing past the Beast’s rough exterior to recognize his true character but also by embodying self-respect and strong personal values. She refuses to compromise her standards when Gaston demands her love, stands firm in her loyalty to her father despite how the townspeople perceive him, and ultimately proves that true love is about understanding and seeing beyond surface-level flaws. Belle repeatedly shows us what true lovability looks like. The townspeople, on the other hand, reveal their limited capacity to love. They fail to see the goodness in those who are different from them, choosing instead to follow the crowd. But it was never about Belle, the Beast, or her father being lovable - it was always about the ability of the people around them, and the ability inside of themselves to love. Over the course of a lifetime we will be bumping up against all kinds of people with all kinds of different levels of love ability. Some of us will have the misfortune of being raised by people with very low abilities to love- this frequently starts the thoughts very very early that lead us to believe that the problem is with us - we must not be lovable - because the adults around us are acting like there is something wrong with us. They even say things that imply or outright accuse us of being less than lovable. The thoughts we start thinking as a child then get free passage in our minds all the way through to adulthood - and eventually these thoughts become beliefs - we don’t even question if they are right or wrong - we accept the labels of not enoughness also known as unlovable. Others of us are raised by and surrounded by people with much higher levels of ability to love. They see the good in us even when our exteriors are prickly. They are not bothered by the ages and stages that we go through because they have the ability to see us for who we actually are and that is perfectly worthy of love as the perfectly imperfect humans we are born as. And Most of us are raised by people that get it right sometimes and wrong others - but they are trying to improve what they got handed to them. AS we venture out into the wide world we will run into teachers and coaches with different abilities to love and reflect worthiness to us, peers with vastly different abilities - coworkers, partners, and family members with different levels of emotional maturity and ability to love. No matter who we encounter, and what they say or don’t say, do or don’t do—will always reflect more about them than about us. The key is to recognize this and catch yourself when sneaky thoughts creep in, making you question your own worth or lovability. If you’ve experienced trauma, it may be even harder to challenge the voices that say you’re unworthy—especially if unhealthy people in your life reinforce that belief. Often, they project their own pain to feel better about themselves. But let me be the voice that tells you they were wrong. You are, and always have been, worthy of love. It has never been about you—it has always been about them. When we seek external validation for our worth, we’re not seeing the truth about ourselves; we’re seeing a reflection of others’ ability to love. And the good news? Our ability to love—both ourselves and others—is something we can grow. The more we embrace this, the less power others' opinions will have over us. I’ve seen this in kids on the basketball court, in teens on social media, and in adults questioning their relationships. The thoughts we absorb early in life can define us—unless we choose to challenge them. I hope our conversation today gives you more of a desire to challenge any thoughts you think that label you as less than and that you let me be a voice that tells you the truth: You are perfectly worthy of love. Because lovability was never the question. Love isn’t something you earn—it’s what you already are. Whether or not those around you reflect that back to you, it remains the truth. And remembering this truth will allow you to love yourself and your life more deeply than you ever thought possible. Best of all, not one person has to change how they treat you to be able to move forward and grow in this ability—you have the power to do it now. Thanks for hanging out with me today! I think love is such a valuable feeling to invest in. I am amazed at how much it grows when we are brave enough to share it with others. If you know someone who is easy for you to love, share this with them, and maybe this information will make its way to someone who really needs to hear it. You might be just the right rock, thrown in just the right water that makes just the right ripple, to just the right person, at just the right time. Stranger things have happened! Talk to you soon!

Hello and Welcome to The Love Your Life Podcast, Episode 18 - 

5 Powerful Practices to Improve Any Relationship.

I had a fun opportunity this past week to be interviewed for an episode on the Love and Confidence Podcast by Laerke Nielsen,  https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-love-confidence-podcast/id1662409219

I am in episode 115 that comes out on February 20th, The Secrets to Long-lasting Love. It was a fun conversation about some best practices that go into lifelong relationships. She even got me to share an interesting story about when my husband broke up with me after we had dated a few months. Spoiler alert: he came back!  Laerke discusses all things love, dating, and confidence weekly and is a fantastic coach. If you want to grow your thinking around your personal confidence and/or your confidence in your dating life, she is a great resource. I’m putting the link to her show in the notes for this episode. 

Our conversation reminded me how much I enjoy coaching on relationships, and since this episode is coming out on Valentine’s day, I wanted to give you my top 5 tips that increase love in any relationship and that you are absolutely in control of. 

1- Know yourself. 

No one is going to know you better than you are going to know yourself because humans can’t read minds. It’s up to each of us to figure out the things we like and don’t like and then to speak up for it. When you figure out your own likes, dislikes, needs, and wants you will be better able to find someone who fits you. The best relationships have the same want matches in life. Don’t default to matching up with things you don’t want. That is a lower level of interaction. You deserve 

If you have gotten in the habit of ignoring your own needs, or judging yourself for having them, you are at risk of waking up some day in a world of things you don’t like.

It is always worth the effort to figure out what it is you want for your life. Knowing who you are already, helps you map out what it will take to get you to where you want to go. It also helps you sort out who you want beside you as you go.

2- Be Responsible.

 When you know what you want in your life, don’t sluff off the responsibility of getting it to someone else. Human minds are prone to looking for someone to come and save us or fix things for us. Brains don’t like to be uncomfortable. They would rather be safe and certain. 

In relationships, when we wait for our partner to do things so that we can be happy, we end up in emotionally immature loops. We begin to focus on what they are doing or not doing, and try to get them to do things just right so that we can be happy. When the focus is on changing them, we will inevitably end up disappointed because we don’t have the power to control others. But we do have the amazing power to control ourselves. 

Being responsible for our own feelings, needs, and desires lifts a burden off of our partners and frees them up to love us right where we are instead of giving them the job to fix things for us. 

If your brain notices that you would like something - then it has notified you that you are just the person to make that something happen.

3- Be curious- 

Curiosity is a super power we can bring to all areas of life, but it is extra awesome in our relationships. When we are curious, dopamine is released in our brain as a form of anticipated reward. Not only does dopamine feel great, but when applied to dating and relationships it also makes us more interesting and attractive. 

Curiosity is a signal to others that we are open and interested in them, which helps them feel safe. It is like they can see our vulnerability of openness and meet us with their own vulnerability. 

Curiosity also signals to others that you can manage your own feelings and even handle theirs. When you are curious you are letting others know that they are worth your time, even and especially when they are different from you.

Have you ever been around people and noticed that they didn’t ask one question about you? It can come off as arrogant when people don’t show interest in others, but I find that frequently when someone shows little curiosity in others it is more often that they are telling us that they are not very confident in themselves. They don’t trust themselves to know what to do with the unknown information you might present to them if they ask too many questions about you, or they might suffer from comparing themselves to others and therefore don’t like to find out much about people around them as a way to protect themselves.

Lack of curiosity in others and the world around you can become a bad habit that keeps you stuck in life. If you want to progress in any area of your life, start getting curious and the world will open up to you.

One great thing about curiosity is that it is pretty easy to practice getting better at it. If it is not natural for you, you can decide ahead of time that you are going to ask questions about the people you spend time with? Set a goal to ask two questions about the next person you interact with and train yourself to lead out like this. Before you know it, curiosity will be a habit that helps you and those around you feel more loved and connected.

4- Be forgiving. 

We can’t control the people in our lives or the circumstances of our lives, but we can control how we react to them.

One of the best practices to have in healthy close relationships is forgiveness.

There is an art to forgiving. To forgive others we have to be aware of the thoughts we are thinking that lean towards condemnation or judgment. You won’t be able to feel true forgiveness until you pull away from those thoughts and get a little curious about why someone would do the thing that hurts you. 

It also takes some work to understand within yourself why it hurts. Oftentimes the hurt we feel from others comes from previous things we haven’t cleaned up, but we put that old pain onto a person who is right here in front of us. It’s not really fair to give them the past baggage, and it doesn’t help you relieve yourself from the old pain when you bring it into the present without being aware of it.

In a way, when we practice forgiveness in the present, we start to teach ourselves how to let go of past wounds also. An additional bonus that I see all the time is that when we learn to forgive the people in our inner circles, we also get better at forgiving ourselves. The pattern of forgiving or not forgiving is always always connected to how we talk to and forgive ourselves. So it’s winning all around when we practice it in our relationships with others. 

5- Look for the Good - 

Last week I taught you that your brain is a magnet and the thoughts you think tell it what to attract. If I could help the people I love do one thing, it would be to help them remember that they are going to see what they look for. If you are looking for the things that are wrong and not working you will find them. And while you see the negatives you will not see the positives at the same time. It just doesn’t work like that. 

When I was newly into the coaching phase of my life, I had a daughter in highschool. Her room was always messy, no matter what I tried to do to motivate her, it didn’t help. She is a person who does things brilliantly, but she does them on her own timeline. She has been teaching me this since she was a small child, but at this particular time I was riding the wave of being worried that she wasn’t doing all the things she needed to do to be prepared for her future, and that she was falling behind, and her room was a mess. Did I mention that part?

Well you might be able to see that I was magnetizing my thoughts by noticing the mess and all the things I was worried about not doing “right”. She finally got fed up with my negativity, and said, “Mom, the way you are acting, you would think I am on drugs and failing out of school. But I have a 4.0, I have two jobs, I am on a varsity sports team and a club team, I go to church, I am saving for college, and if I get any spare time, I stay home and read. What do you want from me?”

And her words hit me like a dagger. What more could I ask of her? A clean room paled in comparison to all the things she was carrying on her young shoulders, and all the things she was doing right. I went to my room and cried. I had stopped seeing the brilliance in my beautiful shiny girl because I had let an unmanaged mind focus on something that was temporary, and didn’t really matter. Not only did I see it, I was talking about the temporary things so much that I was starting to invite her to see herself that way too. Thank goodness that she was able to use her words to protect herself from my barrage of negativity, because I needed that reminder. I needed to see the good. 

These principles, that coaching has given a voice to, have given me so much opportunity to see the things in my life that I am responsible for, accept that I am creating the results I do, ask for forgiveness for the negative results I don’t like,  and then give me the way forward towards growth and change. The change has been towards something that is so much better for me and for the people I love.

I would go on to become a mother who started doing laundry for a highschooler, cleaned her room consistently, and spoke love into every hoodie I folded and dirty sock I lifted from the ground. I pray that my apology was received in time to not damage my relationship with this incredible girl, and that I will be a better mother for it going forward. Thanks to her, I became a mother who practiced seeing the good. I am not perfect at it today, but I find that I am able to course correct faster than I used to. I am definitely more sensitive to the negative thinking when I trip into it with all of the practice I have done.

These 5 skills we have discussed today will improve romantic love in your life, so yay for valentine’s day! Ha-  but as you can glean from this last story, they will increase the peace, connection, and love in all of your relationships. 

I am sincere when I say to you that you will love your life more today than you did yesterday if you are willing to lean into your relationships with more personal awareness, responsibility, curiosity, forgiveness, and positivity than your human brain does naturally when left on auto pilot. 

If you have enjoyed thinking about relationships today, consider this:

Love is like chocolate—way better when shared! 🍫💖 If this episode made you smile, gave you a fresh perspective, or reminded you of someone special, don’t keep it to yourself! Send it to a friend, share it on social media, or leave a little love in a review. The more we spread love, the sweeter life gets! Happy Valentine’s Day, Now go share the love! And I’ll talk to you soon.

Hello and Welcome to the Love Your Life Podcast! This is Episode # 17, Magnetic. I have been thinking about you all week! I left you with an invitation last episode to consider stepping towards something that scares you or you don’t think you can do. Did you come up with something in your life that feels like this? Are you considering tackling it anytime soon? I would love to hear what that is in the comments of the show. This week I want to teach you about a superpower you have that is also a weakness. This is not surprising because strengths are almost always connected with weaknesses. I think of them like different sides of the same coin. If you pick up a quarter off the counter it always comes with a head and a tail. They are inseparable. Most of our strengths and weaknesses are like this. I’ll give you an example. Early on, I noticed my husband’s talent for organizing processes and paying attention to detail—especially at work. It was great for us because he was highly valued by his employers. He quickly earned promotions and saved companies money. However, that same strength became a challenge at home. I prioritize efficiency and speed whereas he is more focused on doing things “right”. I do recognize that I have benefited from his measure 29 times cut once approach, but it is painful during the 28th measurement. This became especially evident when my kids hit middle school and started struggling with math homework. What should have been a 30-minute homework session often turned into a 3-hour marathons when dad was involved because he wanted to refine their processes and teach them why his way was better than the teacher’s way. Many tears have been shed at that kitchen table covered with math papers. I’m not sure my children will ever understand that his focused and detailed strength is anything but a weakness! To be fair he is not the only one around this place with strengths masqueraded as weaknesses. We’ve got a couple of daughters that are the most stubborn humans I have ever run into, and I come from Missouri so that is saying something. They are virtually immovable when they have dug into a decision on something they will or will not do. I perceived it as a weakness as I have butted heads with their younger selves. I will never forget the standoffs with these tiny tyrant toddlers. Once we lost an entire morning of happiness because I wouldn't let her have ice cream for breakfast. I can’t even begin to describe what travelling was like when she knew how to get out of car seats and refused to stay in them anywhere we went or fought like a tiger every time I put her in. Even though the struggle has produced plenty of tears, it is admittedly one of their greatest strengths. Being immovable when you are going after a goal in your life or when you believe yourself to be in the right, especially as a woman in a patriarchal society, is actually a gift. I pity the fool who tries to cross them! And I take great comfort now that they are out of my house, that they will hold their own in this big wide world. I invite you to think about the people you love the most, and also think about how this applies to yourself. What is it that you love about them? Or what do you see as their greatest strength? You were probably attracted to that thing at the beginning of knowing them and hopefully still are today. But consider with me now what the weakness is that comes from that very same strength? Then ask yourself which one you spend the most time thinking about? The strength, or the weakness? The thing you like, or the thing you don’t? Even though we are initially attracted by the strength in others, we find that over time we notice the weakness more than the strength. This happens because our brains come wired with a negativity bias. A bias is simply a mental shortcut that helps us process information quickly. I touched on this a little in episode 3 when I introduced you to your sweet little lizard brain. Negativity bias is the brain’s tendency to give more weight to negative experiences, thoughts, and emotions than to positive ones. This means that we notice, remember, and react to negative stimuli more strongly than positive ones of equal intensity. It's a survival mechanism. Our ancestors had to be highly attuned to threats (predators, poisonous food, social rejection etc.) to stay alive. While modern life is far less dangerous, our brains still operate as if detecting and avoiding threats is the priority. And our brain has many biases - or shortcuts that help us process information quickly. It is amazing how efficient it can be, so that it can reserve its energy to scan for danger and keep us personally and our species in general alive. I want to introduce to you to another bias today called confirmation bias. It is basically a mental habit of favoring information that matches what we already think or believe and ignoring or rejecting what doesn’t, it is the shortcut the brain uses to reinforce the thoughts that we think. It’s easy to see how biases like negativity and confirmation create problems, so why do we have them? Because, just like any coin, they have a strength or purpose—they help us process the world faster. Our negativity bias kept our ancestors alive by making sure they remembered which berries made them sick or which rustling in the bushes meant danger. And confirmation bias is actually a sign of efficiency—our brain is designed to recognize patterns quickly and reinforce what we already ‘know’ so we don’t have to start from scratch every time. But The problem isn’t that we have these biases; it’s that we’re often using them against ourselves instead of for us. But once we recognize them, we can redirect them—using the same mental shortcuts to focus on strengths, possibilities, and proof that life is working in our favor There are plenty of studies out there that help us understand these processes in the brain. Donald Hebb who is known as the father of neuropsychology discovered back in 1949 that our neurological connections become faster and faster the more often they are used. Today Hebb’s Rule is a foundational principle in neuroscience, stating that the more we think a thought, the stronger the neural pathway becomes. There are lots of studies, big words, and technical language that can teach us this information, but my simple way to describe it helps my clients and I cut through the sludge in our thinking patterns quickly and easily by picturing our brain as a magnet, and the thoughts we think are the directors that select what we attract to the magnet. Once we think a thought, our brain goes to work bringing every bit of evidence it can to our awareness that the thought we think is correct. Brains are such powerful magnets for the thoughts we think, BUT they are not doing any work to filter out if those thoughts are actually TRUE when fueled by confirmation bias- and they certainly don’t care if the evidence they bring to us to support our thoughts makes us feel good. This means our brains want to be right- more than they want to feel good. So think of this giant magnet in your head that is continually pulling evidence around you to prove to you that you are right, and remember that your brain also has a negativity bias. Which as a reminder means that when your brain is left unmonitored it will highlight to you all the things that it doesn’t like or is scared of. And you will start to see how easy it is to constantly believe the thoughts you think about the weaknesses of yourself and those you love. And you will notice that it does not feel bueno. Soooooo what does the brain do when you think the thought “my child is so stubborn? She doesn’t listen to me?” Your brain instantly goes on the hunt for every shred of evidence it can find to show you that your child is stubborn and doesn’t listen to you (which it has thousands of little memories of, especially the older the child gets,) and as those pieces of evidence pile in, they start to compound. So you can easily go from being annoyed that your child is stubborn and doesn’t listen to you, to a full on panic that your child is going to die because they will one day be so stubborn that they won’t listen to the airline directions when they tell them to put their seatbelt on and then they die in a plane crash because of it. I know this is a funny exaggerated ending, but this is one of the most common thought processes I help people see in themselves on a daily basis.Because our brain is such a powerful magnet for evidence that the thoughts we think are true - It will end up creating the wildest stories. I’m not joking, and you are probably believing some exaggerated stories right now, and are not even aware of it. You are more likely to notice that you are worried, sad, disappointed, scared, or lonely than you are to notice what the thoughts are that magnetize the evidence that makes you feel so wretched. I run into these thoughts on a daily basis with my clients. Here are some very common ones. -I have too big of a personality. I am not enough. My child will never be happy. My partner doesn’t see me. I can’t handle this circumstance. I can never have what I want. My daughter doesn’t care about me. My spouse is driving our children away. I am too old for this. My body can’t do the things it used to. No one listens to me around here. I’ve ruined my children. -my sons never call. The best parts of my life have already happened. I can go on and on = and I have no doubt that if you don’t hear yourself in one of these lines, you have something similar that is a thought you completely believe, have tons of evidence for, and is absolutely limiting you from seeing the positive in an area of yourself, your life, or your people, I promised you as I started today that I was going to tell you that you have a super power and that it is also a weakness. AS I have talked you might have noticed that negativity and confirmation biases definitely create weaknesses, I mean they are magnetizing evidence for things that make us feel horrible without any effort on our part. This is true, but remember that every coin has a head and a tail. The flip side of every weakness is a strength. What if all it takes is to wake up and be aware that we have a wired in bias, and that when we think things we are magnets for evidence - that evidence will make us feel bad or good - it just depends on the evidence we are calling in. If you have gotten in the habit of only noticing your weaknesses or the weaknesses of the people around you, you will not be feeling great about them or yourself, or your life. But if you use the information I am offering today to examine what the strengths are that are connected to those weaknesses, you will then have the opportunity to give more thought and attention to the strengths. Once you start noticing what the strengths are you can use the great magnet of your brain to attract evidence that these thoughts are true. And The higher the quality of the thoughts about people, the better the relationship you have with them will be. I have mentioned before that I am a firm believer that the quality of our life is determined by the quality of the relationships in our life. I also believe that the quality of the relationships in my life is determined by me. Namely by what I think about them. I start with the relationship I have with myself. If that is fueled by negative thinking that attracts evidence of everything I am lacking and limits everything I think I can do, nothing outside of me is going to make that feel better. Which means, I have to start working on those thoughts first. Then I work outward from there. I have a relationship with my husband, with my family members in all generational directions, with my friends, with my clients, and with my life. Every time I think a thought about any person or thing I relate to, I am sending my brain on the errand to collect evidence that I am right about them. So instead of being right that your child is stubborn, your spouse doesn’t know when to let up, you are too much, or your life is not what you hoped it would be - Practice thinking thoughts that are the opposite of these and see what evidence you can look for on purpose in your life until your brain starts easily magnetizing the new thoughts. It will feel a lot better to think that your child is determined, that your spouse is dependable, that you are enough, and that your life is constantly evolving towards more of what you want and less of what you don’t want. If your negative lizard brain gets loud and tries to tell you that these new thoughts are wrong, give it a little nudge with your curiosity instead of a free pass of acceptance. I’ve told you before, and I’ll tell you again - you don’t HAVE to believe every thought you think. Your brain is a magnet, but you get to choose what it attracts. Choose wisely, and you’ll shape a life that feels amazing —not just one where you’re ‘right. And that my friend, will definitely help you love your life more today than you did yesterday, and it makes the promise of tomorrow even more sweet because after you have done the initial work to challenge the old patterns, and start to establish new ones, the new ones will eventually run on auto pilot because you will have become a magnet for good. Thanks for spending your time with me today! Make sure to like this podcast, leave a comment, and share it with those who want better relationships in their life. Talk to you soon!