The LoveWorks Solution Podcast

On the heels of our Possibilities Of Sex workshop, we share several aspect of sex and intimacy that got discussed and worked on at the workshop.

Topics such as …

• When we stop having sex

Listen to the whole podcast for useful insights and tips on sex and intimacy.

A comment we receive a lot in our relationship coaching sessions is this: “I don’t want to say anything to him about how I feel because I don’t want him to feel bad or wrong.”

For women, it’s easy to put another’s needs ahead of our own. We are biologically wired to put relationship concerns ahead of our own personal needs. It is how we ensure the kids are taken care of and our husbands are nurtured, so they will love us, take care of us and go “hunt” food for us again day after day.

There is a real fear in the background of our animal brain that if we say or do the wrong thing, he might not love us or hunt for us anymore. From men, we consistently hear that you censor yourself because experience has taught you that emotional uproars are likely to occur when you try to share what’s on your mind. Many men have a deep fear of their partners getting mad at or disappointed with them, so it seems easier to just not say anything.

But there is a very real cost to not saying what we feel and need.

Imagine that you and your partner are looking into each other’s eyes, melting into this beautiful place of oneness, and there is nothing blocking the incredible flow of love between you.

Now imagine that there is something you want to say that you don’t say, and let’s symbolize this something as a brick that is now placed between you. At some point, there is another thing you don’t say, and so another brick is laid. Pretty soon there is another, and another. Everything you don’t say is another brick in the wall being between you and your lover, obscuring your vision and flow of love.

Before long, there is so much that isn’t said between you, that you can barely see each other at all. Instead of having a relationship with your partner, you are now in relationship with all of the things you are not saying 

Needless to say, the love you feel gets more and more obscured as well.

Our relationship advice is this: Say it! Don’t hold back! Take the risk to speak your heart. And of course, say it in a way that optimizes your chances of being heard.

One of the best relationship tips we can give is to be transparent, withhold nothing, to say it all. When we share ourselves completely, that is when our light shines brightest. It is when we are real, vulnerable and open that we are the most attractive.

As mentioned above, the reason we tell ourselves for not sharing something, is most often a variation of “I don’t want to hurt my partner”, or “I don’t want to cause a stir”.

In our experience, what this really means is, “I’m scared of what’s going to happen if I say this. I could get in trouble”. It’s often our own fear, more than our concern for our partner, that makes us choose silence. Or perhaps you’ve tried sharing yourself in the past, and based on those experiences, you’re pretty sure your partner is going to feel offended, triggered, or hurt; or that you’re going to end up arguing about something.

We suggest that you don’t take this as evidence that you shouldn’t say something, but instead as evidence that you and your partner need to learn a new way of sharing and listening, or get some qualified help to facilitate the conversation.

Despite the risks you might feel when sharing something that’s on your mind or heart, it is your openness that will call your mate to meet you with openness and presence in return. We’d even say that you must find a way to share yourself, because if you don’t, the wall built between you will eventually negate to your love and connection altogether. So there’s really no other good choice!

Now, there are ways to share and ways to not share. Here are ten tips for sharing:

1. Set your partner up to listen. Ask him or her to listen without interruption or without trying to fix anything.

The most important thing is to keep practicing sharing your innermost feelings and thoughts every time, and as they arise! The love that flows from regularly and steadily removing bricks is reward enough and will soon raise the bar on the value of sharing everything in your relationship. 

And remember, practice makes perfect. It does get easier over time!

How does your purpose and mission in life go together with your relationships?

This week’s episode is a recorded interview we did for the Power of Purpose Summit hosted by the ManKind Project, an international non-profit supporting men.

As Eric Thomas, the interviewer asks early in the interview: “A lot of times people have a commonly held belief that relationships require some sort of compromise between my individual sense of life purpose and the commitment to my relationship. But it sounds like you view this as both-and? How do relationships support someone's individual purpose?

We go into more depth about this question, and many more that relate to purpose in life.

It’s been evident to us for many years working with singles and couples, that when we get mired down in silly arguments with each other, like arguing over the dishes, or when my thoughts get locked onto how I’m not smart enough, or wealthy enough, or lovable enough, it is often because we simply don’t have anything more important to occupy ourselves with.

When we spend a lot of time arguing about silly stuff, it’s because there’s nothing bigger calling us forward; no bigger purpose for ourselves and for our relationships.

But what if our relationships were in service of something much bigger than ourselves? Bigger than just me and my own needs fulfillment?

What’s YOUR purpose in relationship? Do you have one?

That’s the discussion we’re having on this episode …

I’m interviewing Veronica Monet, Sexologist, Relationship Coach, and author of Sex Secrets of Escorts: Tips from a Pro, and the upcoming book, How To Say Your No. Veronica is also the founder of The Shame Free Zone (see her full bio and additional resources at the bottom). 

As you’ll hear on the podcast, Veronica is uniquely qualified to speak with authority about sexuality, intimacy, porn, shame, and many other sensitive areas of relationships.

There is A LOT of great material about sex in this podcast, way too much to write down in this summery. I had to stop myself asking questions after 45 min, but I could have gone on for hours:) 

Please listen to the whole episode for deep, insightful and provocative input about sexuality and intimacy.   

A few of the topics you’ll get enlightened about: 

• When the doctors say there’s nothing wrong with you, but you still aren’t able to or don’t want to have sex

MORE ABOUT VERONICA MONET:

Veronica Monet, ACS is an internationally acclaimed sexual and spiritual empowerment change agent. CNN, FOX, Politically Incorrect, Yale, Stanford and UC Berkeley are just a few of the numerous news and educational institutions that have hosted Veronica for her forward thinking insights and expertise.

Veronica helps individuals and couples heal shame, align with their spiritual core and live more joyfully. As a Relationship Coach, Sexologist, Anger Specialist and Empath, she combines her extensive education and experience with deep emotional intelligence and compassion. Having personally overcome incest, rape, violence and abuse, she is committed to helping others own their personal and erotic empowerment.

Veronica invites you to join her in The Shame Free Zone™. Here you will discover her game-changing Exquisite Partnership Formula ™, a program designed to turn conflict into connection and sexual intimacy that grows deeper with each passing year.

Find Veronica on theshamefreezone.com

Here’s the fun and educational TED talk Veronica mentioned, “10 things you didn’t know about orgasm” ... click here ... 

I’m interviewing Dave Klaus, who participated in our Relationship Mastery Program with his wife, and whom I originally met through the men’s organization, The ManKind Project. (See Dave’s full bio and website at the bottom).

Dave is a very interesting person, a Renaissance Man from San Francisco. He's a devoted husband, a father of two amazing young adults. He’s been a Public Defender for twenty years in Oakland, he’s a musician and a poet, as well as a martial artist and ordained Zen priest, to name a few of his many skills and talents. 

Like many others, what inspired Dave to seek out men’s work and relationship work was being miserable, to put it very briefly. Suffering inside himself and in his marriage eventually brought him to reach out for support, first in the form of men’s circles.

He discovered along the path that evolution is not a steady climb, more like a painful rollercoaster, where change and openings are preceded by contractions, and then finally integration.

One of his biggest learnings is being able to relax even when he or someone around him gets triggered.

A simple, everyday example: He’s working in the kitchen, his wife comes to join to help him. But she’s not doing it in the way he’s used to doing it, so he feels the tension building, the triggered reaction happening.

One of the best tools he and his wife learned at LoveWorks is the Do-Over, where you literally re-do a situation that didn’t turn out the way you wanted it turn out. It’s a conceptually simple method, but not always so simple to pull off on the spot.

As Dave says about the kitchen example, it’s about who’s willing to soften first, to deescalate first. As Sonika & I sometimes say, either person in a relationship can be the first one to soften and open and break the stalemate, and we have this game where we say, “First person to open wins”.

Dave shares how at the first workshop he and Alycia did with us, Give Yourself To Love, they experienced a big “melting”. He said, “we had developed a certain iciness and coldness between us”.

This is a good way to describe what often happens to couples when over time. You often turn into business partners who just talk about logistics, child calendars, who-does-what’s and so on. And you can probably relate from your own experience what he means by, “a certain iciness and coldness had developed between us”.

Even in his as a Public Defender, dealing with defendants, prosecutors, and judges, he says, “it’s all about relationships”. Even in a legal business environment, relationship tools like the Do-Over are highly useful.

Dave talks about how being a man of accountability has been a crucial piece in his development as a man, husband, and father. Especially being a father of two teenagers, who, in his words, have a huge “hypocrisy meter”. They sniff out when we parents are not walking our talk.

On the flip side, when we as parents do act with accountability, when we demonstrate listening and honoring others, when we do Do-Overs after mess-up’s, it’s like a “virtuous virus”, it gets passed on to our kids.

Listen to the whole podcast for more great conversation, incl. Dave’s final wisdom about the two biggest things that make a marriage lasting and alive. Powerful wisdom.

You can find Dave’s poetry and writings on his website at daveklaus.net

DAVE’S LONG BIO:

Dave Klaus, Flow Coach

I have always been a seeker, eager to try new adventures in a quest to figure things out, but it wasn’t until I stopped looking outside of myself for answers that I discovered my life’s purpose.

After an All-American high school swimming career, I attended Dartmouth College and Michigan Law School, and then devoted my career to serving the underdog as a Public Defender in Oakland where I have been representing poor people accused of serious crimes since 1996.

Along the way, I earned a 2nd degree black belt in jujutsu, learned to lead in partner dance, climbed mountains, and have spent many years at Burning Man, where I discovered that I was an artist and a community leader.

As I turned forty, it seemed like I had everything, a career, a wonderful wife, two awesome kids, a house in San Francisco, and a loving community, but when my body suddenly began to fall apart, so did my self-identity. At the same time I started having disabling back issues, I learned that I also have a degenerative lung condition due to a rare genetic disorder.

I felt a huge sense of grief and loss and unfairness,, and dove right into a mid-life crisis.  I wallowed in distraction, substance abuse, and depression, and nearly lost everything, until in desperation I began doing Men’s Work with the ManKind Project.

By looking deep inside at my shadow beliefs and my unconscious patterns and habits, I turned it around and committed to living a life of integrity, accountability, emotional vulnerability, and radical authenticity.  

Simply put, I learned how to show up in the present moment and share my gold and serve my mission: to serve wonder by resting in presence, unconditional acceptance, and loving attention. This led me to become a Zen priest-in-training, with a daily meditation and qi gung practice.

As a Coach I empower my clients to find their way to a path of clarity, flexibility, open-hearted connection, and flow in every moment. In partnership, we set visionary goals, and then tackle the resistance that arises with compassion and skillful means. Together, we chart a new path into the present moment, where all the magic of life happens.   

I am also a writer and poet and you can read my stuff at www.daveklaus.net.

"Everything you want is outside of your comfort zone!"

Where do you stop yourself because of your fear? In what ways do you stay safe and comfortable instead of venturing out towards what you really want? This episode is part of the preparation for our Fearless Life workshop, first weekend of March. More on that workshop here ... 

As per usual, the full podcast has a lot more detail than the written summary here, so listen to the full episode.

Almost always what keeps us from stepping out and taking risks is our fear of failure. We are scared of things not turning out well. We make up a story that the outcome will be bad in the end, and we feel so uncomfortable at the mere thought of doing something new that we stop before we start.

But everything we want is outside of our comfort zone!

That experience of aliveness, exhilaration, expansion and passion that we all long for, comes first from a willingness to be physically uncomfortable as you step into new territory, and to take action no matter how scary it might seem. Over and over, Christian and I watch people in our trainings navigate through discomfort only to discover massive transformation, deep love and bliss on the other side.

Certainly one of the side benefits of taking risks, is that we often discover that our fears are way worse than reality. Even if we do happen to fail, we find that we can learn from our mistakes and grow ourselves to be more competent and powerful than before.

I have developed a working relationship with fear over the years, by taking fear with me into new experiences – some of which were terrifying for me.

I have jumped out of an airplane, gone spelunking in underground caverns, parasailed at 200 feet, crossed rickety bridges and zip-lined over deep canyons, hurled myself through the air on ropes courses I don’t remember the names of, and rafted down white-water rapids in California and Wyoming. I worked in Yosemite as a national park laborer for three summers, bravely handling a chainsaw my first year. I walked on coals twice, led workshops in the nude, and was a guest speaker at numerous conferences.

I led sexuality classes in college as a student teacher where I passed around sex toys to middle-aged women who didn’t know whether to giggle or throw up. I have subbed for ministers on Sundays delivering inspirational sermons that made people cry. I have been married and divorced more than once. I traveled to Mexico by myself when I was 18. I have designed and facilitated relationship trainings for over 38 years – in Michigan, Canada and California, and even on cruise ships to Mexico.

I have had my failures over the years. I have had my voice crack in the middle of singing a song to a crowd. I have bombed miserably in front of hundreds from a joke gone bad or one of those terrifying blank-outs when I couldn’t for the life of me remember what I was going to say. And I have had two people show up to what was supposed to be a large speaking gig. Imagine the hollow sound of their two-person applause!

These “failures” have taught me a lot about fear and life, and about humility and humor. I have learned that all failures and mess-ups diminish and heal over time. There is almost nothing that can’t be repaired, forgiven or learned from. When we use failures and mistakes as learning opportunities, we can never really “fail”.

We know a man who literally passed out from anxiety and stage fright at the first workshop he was leading. It turned out that his fainting created immense vulnerability, connection and love between him, his wife and the workshop participants. As a result, it substantially changed his relationship with fear. Why? Because, when the worst thing happens – and you’re still ok – you don’t have to worry about the worst thing happening ever again.

More importantly, I have discovered through my many mess-ups, that no one cares!People are so afraid of failure themselves, that they actually aren’t judging you as much as you think they are. In fact, they love it when you mess up and laugh at yourself. It gives them permission to take risks and make mistakes too! I have learned to laugh out loud at myself if things don’t go as planned.

Oh, I still get scared. Two years ago, I participated in a Dancing With Our Stars event in Nevada City, where I performed two dances with a sore hip, two weeks before my 60th birthday, in front of some 700 people. I was afraid off and on about that dance competition. One day I was so afraid that I burst into tears with my hairdresser. But it didn’t stop me. On the actual evening of the event, I simply took my fear with me for a twirl out on the dance floor! I was proud of how well we danced, at how low to the floor I got on some of our moves, and how I remembered all of the steps! And when I messed up at the start of one dance, and when we didn’t win anything at the end, I laughed and appreciated the heck out of myself for risking stepping out on the edge of life yet again!

My favorite motto came to mind, “Trust, Risk and Keep a Sense of Humor!”

Taking action in spite of fear is a skill to develop. Befriending and even enjoying your fear is one of those skills that will serve you for life, and save you from a lifetime of agony. It takes practice!

If you would like to take a dynamic look at your relationship with fear, and step out beyond your comfort zone so that you can milk this life for all it has to offer, you are invited to attend Fearless Life, Fearless Love. Discover and create a new relationship to fear so that you are never stopped again from doing what your heart longs for!

Click here to check out the Fearless Life workshop …

Here’s to trusting, risking, and keeping a sense of humor!

I’m talking to Brian Lewis, MFT.

Brian is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Registered Art Therapist specializing in teen, individual, couples, and family psychotherapy.  He has a private practice in Auburn and Roseville in Northern California. He is also a husband and father of two teenagers. Brian works with adults and teens, and focuses on creating relationships based on truth and trust. Find him at http://www.brianlewistherapy.com.

Brian says, “Therapy is a process of unhooking the pieces of your soul that got snagged on the jagged points of your traumatic past and brining them back together into your current-self consciousness”.

There’s a difference in how we feel internally, and how we present to the world. For instance, Brian discovered in his training to become a therapist who uses art as a healing method, as he says, “I’m a pretty mellow guy but all these angry paintings came out of me”.

When it comes to trauma, there is only so much you can do by talking about it. Often, there is no verbal or logical memory or access point to why something that triggered you today originally got created when you were much younger.

Brian walks us through the central developmental phases of growing up from childhood to adulthood, and how it we get “pieces of our souls snagged on the jagged points of life”.

We talk about the dangers of self-diagnosing phycological disorders, or even more tricky, trying to diagnose your partner, and why you can’t be your partner’s “therapist”. Today, when you google some type of disorder and read through the symptoms, it can easily appear as though you, your partner or child, is suffering from that disorder. But it’s not that simple.

Brian shares his Whole Self Counseling Approach where you self-examine the 4 quadrants of yourself, The Intellectual Self, the Physical Self, the Emotional Self, and the Spiritual Self, and he gives simple tips for how you can begin to create real change for yourself, in your life, and in your relationships.

Often, when we are in pain today, or riddled with anxiety or stress, we have a big wound in our Emotional Self. In every wound there is pain, power, and potential, and much too often, we get stuck in the pain portion. Brian shares his process for how to shift attention and energy away from the pain-points to the power and potential instead.

Plus, we talk about how this all relates to our personal relationships.

Listen to the podcast for the full content.

Dr. Robert Glover is the world renowned, best selling author of the seminal book, No More Mr. Nice Guy. His website, drglover.com, features numerous online self-help courses, workshops, podcasts, groups, and trained coaches and therapists. Dr. Glover lives in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.

The premise for No More Mr. Nice Guys, or the “Nice Guy Paradigm”, as Dr. Glover calls it, states that Nice Guys believe that if they are good and do everything right and hide their flaws, they will be loved, get their needs met, and have a problem free life.

Dr. Glover explains how this pervasive and ultimately self-limiting myth arises in men. Inside this statement are three covert contracts:

1) If I’m a good guy, I’ll be liked and loved, which includes women will like me and want to be in relationship with me.

2) If I meet other people’s needs without them asking, they’ll meet mine without having to ask.

3) If I do everything right, I’ll have smooth life and a problem-free world.

All manner of problems arise from these “covert contracts”.

We talk about what creates a Nice Guy, how Nice Guys get in trouble trying to get their needs met, and how often, their behaviors serve to make sure they don’t get what they need, and even push their partners away.

Nice Guys are notorious pleasers and are hell-bent on not being jerks or abusing their power. But as you’ll hear in the podcast, just because a Nice Guy appears to be nice and mellow all the time, doesn’t mean he’s extinguished his masculine power or his sexual drive. They’ve just been forced “underground” and now needs to come out some other way.

So how does a nice guy avoid being a doormat, but also not go over to being a jerk?

And what can partners of Nice Guys do to support themselves and their man?

Listen to the podcast for lots of powerful insights from a true pioneer in men's work! 

On this episode, I'm interviewing Jonathan Robinson.

Robinson is a psychotherapist and author of 12 books. He has been a frequent guest on Oprah, CNN, and the Today Show. Jonathan is also a professional speaker and life coach. He focuses on practical methods for creating better communication and more love in life. His website is MoreLoveLessConflict.com and his latest book is also called More Love Less Conflict. Also check out his podcast, Awareness Explorers.

For 30 years, Jonathan has been creating, teaching, and writing about quick and effective ways to have more love and happiness and less conflict and arguing.

As he says, “I don’t like to read, and I want fast results” … hence, he’s a “hacker” when it comes to distilling information down to methods that can be done in one or two minutes, whether it’s for restoring love with your spouse or finding more peace and calm inside yourself.

We talk about the biggest mistakes couples make, and what happens that turns a loving, passionate relationship into one where arguments and conflicts are the norm.

Jonathan shares his best wisdom after having talked to luminaries like the Dali Lama or Mother Teresa, or that time he travelled 18,000 miles to India because he’d heard there was a wise man there who knew the best mantra in the world to produce happiness and peace (the answer will definitely surprise you and probably put a grin on your face — it did for me:)

We talk about the most important thing Jonathan has learned from 30 years of study and teaching, which is relevant for individuals and couples as well as the current political climate.

Listen to the whole episode for a fun and useful conversation about love, relationships, inner peace, and spirituality. 

In previous episodes I’ve talked about how men use or lose their power in relationship, so if you’re interested in this topic, go check those out as well.

In one of those episodes I opened with the question to men: Do you feel you have power in your relationship?

To partners of men: Do you think he feels that he has power in the relationship? Do you think that he gets to feel like a powerful man in your relationship?

In those previous episodes I’ve given advice to both men and to the partners of men, for how feel more powerful in relationship.

In this episode, I want to add a few distinctions to this conversation.

So when we talk about “being powerful” of “feeling powerful” what does that mean?

A short definition is, the ability to confidently and openly communicate what they want and need, and to remain emotionally present with what is happening with loved ones.

In a relationship, that means you feel safe and confident to share what’s really on your mind. You feel ok to be open about what you want and need. It means you can stay present in the face of your own or others emotions and communications. And it means you can be honest; that you can say yes when you mean yes, or no when you mean no.

When men don’t feel powerful in themselves, they tend to do one of two things: The become "doormats" or "dicks".

I know that might be a bit crass, but it’s useful, because everyone immediately understands what it means.

No one wants to be a dick. No one wants to be a doormat.

No one wants their partner to be a dick, or a doormat.

There’s a whole host of undesirable side-effects of being a dick or a doormat.

These two extremes represent an underuse of masculine power and an overuse of masculine power, respectively.

A man in “doormat” mode is hesitant, insecure, and has a hard time speaking up for himself and asking directly for what he wants and needs. He’s the classic people pleaser, the “nice guy”, or SNAG (sensitive new age guy).

Behaviors you’ll see from a “doormat man” who’s under-using his power are things like …

- Being a yes-man (heard many times at my men’s retreat)

On this other end of the spectrum, men who overuse their powers will display behaviors like ….

Men on both extremes on this “dick-doormat” spectrum feel bad about themselves, and tend to have lots of regrets about the things they did or didn’t do.

And because both types of behavior is fueled by underlying beliefs such as….

Men who act like this feel bad about themselves. And both the "doormat" behaviors and the “dick” behaviors are only attempts to get some internal need met, like feeling loved or relaxed.

So if you’re a man who knows you either are way too much of a "doormat", or you find yourself being a "dick", that’s your sign that it’s time for some serious looking in the mirror and time to get support in some way. Good news is there are lots of ways to get support. Find a local men’s circle. I’ve been sitting in a men’s circle through the non-profit MKP for over ten years. Every week or other week for over ten years, I get together with other men in my area and we help each other out; we talk; we look in the mirror, and we get support to find better way of being a man, that’s not being a doormat, and not being a dick.

There are lots of good books out there, a classic that comes to mind is No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover.

You can call a coach, someone like me who has experience working with men around these issues.

And finally, talk to your partner, if you’re in relationship. You have to dare to show yourself, in your fear and sadness, as well as your power and confidence.

The power you have as a man; that ferocious force that lives in you; literally a force of nature; is there for a reason; it’s there to be used to accomplish things; to break through barriers, to help you move forward in the face of fear; to protect, and much more.

When men turn either "doormats" or "dicks", it’s because they’ve been trained to do so, or have watched others do it before them. And when their behaviors begin to cause harm to other people around them, it’s because they’ve lost access to their own hearts. Because when your heart is open, you tend to be attuned to how others feel around you. And when you’re attuned to how others feel, you’ll be more aware of how your own behaviors impact others. You’ll begin to know if you’re scaring your kids; or your partner closes off to you (Not to say that’s exclusively your responsibility).

So a big part of the work to explore your own power should include exploring your heart and your love and your feelings. It’s by being in touch with how you feel and how others feel that you can trust your power to be used for good, to uplift yourself and others, to protect yourself and others.

This collaboration of a man’s power and his heart is so crucial I made it the title of my men’s retreat - Power And Heart.

If you’re the partner or family member of a man who you see being too much of a doormat or too much of a dick, do your best to give him the benefit of the doubt, knowing that his behavior is his own attempt to get love and respect. Then practice your own version of power and heart by talking to the man and tell him how you feel when you see his behavior. And that is just the very beginning of a conversation, of a work in progress.

Just remember, when we close our hearts off, when we’re no longer present to how we and others around us feel, that’s when we can do harm without even noticing.

For more practical tips for what a man or his partner can do, listen to the 2-part episode called How Men Use Or Lose Power In Relationship.

So go observe yourself. My advice would be don’t be a dick — and don’t be a doormat either. Find a way to be a man beyond those extremes.

Reach out to me if you need support or coaching: [email protected]