The LoveWorks Solution Podcast

One of the biggest mistakes we witness people make in relationship is the decision, conscious or unconscious, to rein in some of their own desires or dreams because it triggers their partner, because they think it’ll cause too much of a stir, or because of they convince themselves they “should”.

See if you can relate to any of these examples from people we’ve been coaching recently.

Anna thinks there is something wrong with her because she doesn’t want to marry and have children with the man she has been dating for ten months. After all, he’s a good guy, loyal and responsible (in stark contrast to her ex). He really wants to marry her and make a new life together. So Anna is trying to talk herself out of her feelings of doubt and lack of desire to marry, in order to make him happy and because it just makes logical sense to marry this nice guy.

Anthony damps down his desire for sex in several ways: By not acknowledging his need for it in the moment; by trying to talk to himself out of wanting it by minimizing its importance (“It’s not that big of deal, anyway. I’m fine without it”); by not initiating sex or touch with his partner; by backing off at the first sign of discomfort or refusal; and by routinely putting his partner’s needs ahead of his own.

Finally, Robert, who is in the throes of divorce and is discovering that he doesn’t know what he wants anymore. He has gone along with his wife’s desires and demands for some 30 years and has totally lost touch with his feelings, desires and dreams. During their marriage it simply became second nature to let her desires be their desires, and whenever he did want something different from her, to just let it slide, because “it was easier that way”.

In each of these three examples, you could make the case that they are just being generous – they want their partner to have what they want and need. You could say they are being flexible, because they’re not attached to having things their own way. We could posit that they are peacemakers who value harmony more than getting what they want. We could even call them super spiritual in the sense that “The Great Way is easy for those who have no preferences”.

Just today, we read a great article [https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/how-to-have-a-long-lasting-relationship] that states the most important ingredient of a lasting relationship is generosity. We don’t disagree, generosity is essential.

However, in the three examples above, our friends are not being generous. Let me qualify that. I’m not suggesting that they are not generous and flexible people, or that they don’t want their partners to have everything they need, or that they’re not spiritual or understanding people. I know for a fact that they are these things, too.

The problem here is that what masks as generosity or flexibility in reality is much more avoidance of “trouble”, fear of rejection, lack of power to stand up for oneself, or flat-out laziness.

There’s always a long-term price to pay for the short-term gain of “not making trouble” by letting your own desires go. Whenever anyone damps down their own feelings or shuts off their own desires to avoid upset or conflict in relationship, whenever they don't stay engaged and go for what they want and create win/wins that enliven both partners, they set themselves up for breakdown; ultimately risking the stability of their relationship.

No one can remain disconnected from themselves and their feelings and their passions for a prolonged period of time without the potential consequence of wanting to break free from their imprisoned experience in relationship in an attempt to “find themselves” again. In other words, negating your own desires and dreams over time creates resentment.

This is tricky stuff, no doubt. Who can’t relate to wanting something that you know might trigger your partner, so you go, “Whatever, it really isn’t that important”? You let it slide and don’t speak up about what it was you really wanted. And for a while, it’s totally fine. Until it isn’t.

Like Robert, who inadvertently did this with everything, by his own admission. Where they went on holidays, when they took holidays, or not; who they visited, for how long; what color to paint the house, what school to send their kids to, you name it. Her preference became their preference. For the longest time, this system worked fine.

Only now, as they’re divorcing, he’s resentful in retrospect that he always got “steamrolled”. In our coaching, he had a profound realization. He went along with her desires because “it was easier”. In doing so, he believed he did her a favor by not causing a stir and thus keeping the peace in the house. He believed he was being easy-going and flexible, and that she’d love him more for it.

What actually happened? She lost respect for him, and he lost respect for himself. Plus, he totally lost touch with what he actually wanted about pretty much every aspect of life. To be blunt, he “chickened out” on his own dreams.

I offered him this image. From her point of view, his “going-alongness” made her feel alone. It’s like, every time she’d offer up an idea, instead of a sparring partner, he showed up as an amorphous blob, without any distinct boundaries or edges, like a bowl of jelly. In partnership, it produces safety and connection when a partner can put her hand on the other and feel some substance instead of “jelly”.

Flexibility and easy-goingness are great qualities and can absolutely support harmony and easy flow. Always yielding like a jellyfish, however, produces loneliness and resentment. Generosity is indeed an absolutely crucial part of a successful, loving relationship. Self-sacrifice to the extent of not getting what you need is something else entirely.

The article we quoted above included this important detail: “Giving until it hurts or trying to buy affection does not develop a healthy relationship ... It does not take the place of caring for yourself or expecting your partner to do his or her part.”

It’s easy to get mad at your partner when you don’t get what you want. It’s tempting for Anne to get mad at her boyfriend for pushing the marriage agenda. It seems logical for Anthony to get mad at his partner for not being more into sex. (On a side note, there are many ways to communicate directly to your partner about situations where you want seemingly different things. That is outside the scope of this article.)

Here, we want to offer you the opportunity to look inwards, specifically at where you let go of your own desires, for whatever reason, when in actuality it was important to you. Look at where, like Robert, you let it happen that you don’t get what you want. Where you let it be ok, even though it’s not really ok with you, to not get your needs met.

We encourage you to ask yourself questions like:

• Where am I not going for what I want?

Optimally, you’re saying (and this is part of our definition of a successful relationship or marriage), “I deserve to have what I want, and so do you. I want you to have your needs met, and I want that for me, too. I’m not going to sacrifice my needs to satisfy yours, or yours to satisfy mine. We are both going to get what we want. If we don’t know how to accomplish that, we’ll learn. But we’re not giving up on both of us being satisfied”.

You might even consider that you owe it, not only to yourself, but to your relationship, and to your children (if you have children), to listen to the whispers of your dreams and desires, lest you end up resentful that someone didn’t give you everything you wanted.

So take the risk. Go for what you want, for what makes your heart sing. Work it out with your partner, so you both get to fly.

If you don't know how to do that by yourself, learn. Get help. And don’t back off from what you want.

:-) Sonika & Christian

PS. If you’re curious about the kind of coaching we offer, use our contact form here to get in touch with us.

Judgments are an integral and inescapable part of being a human being, and certainly of being in relationship with other human beings. Even the most spiritual among us still judge each other to no end.

When you feel judged by a partner, you often react strongly against it, fighting to prove it wrong. When you’re the one judging your partner, your kids, or anyone in your life, you might be reticent to admitting that you’re indeed passing judgment.

Our judgments of others can be used productively in several different ways which is covered in this podcast.

They contain a plethora of information about ourselves and our world.

For example, judgments ... 

• Reveal our values and what we care about.

In this podcast, you will discover how to use your judgements of others to gain insight into yourself, and how to ultimately replace judgments with understanding, compassion, forgiveness, empowerment and even love - for yourself and others.

Once you can more flexibly work with your own judgments of others, and others’ judgments of you, you might even have fun with it.

Sonika will sometimes say to me with a grin, “You are one judgmental bastard!” To which I respond, “It’s true”. On another occasion, she said, knowing my prolific judgments of TV watching, “I’m going to watch TV now - wanna judge me?” To which I replied, “Yes, I do. Let me tell you what I think about that ….” :)

Lisa Schrader is the founder of Awakening Shakti. For more than twenty years, she has been supporting and teaching women about awakening their inner Shakti, the sacred feminine energy. She guides women to tap into their magnetic radiance to attract their desires more easily. In other words, how to feel more naturally turned-on and sensually alive.

In our modern Western culture women as well as men live under the creed of work more, perform more, make more money, make more happen, a way of being that is heavily skewed towards masculine energy and ideals.

For a lot of women - and men too - this is highly exhausting and stressful and the effects can be seen in record-high number of depressed women, or women with “adrenal blowout”, to name a few.

In the realm of relationships, women often complain of “not much happening in the bedroom”, or “sex has gone flat”, or, “all the men I date are wimps”.

For every woman, there is an opportunity here, and it’s not just to wait until the perfectly sensual partner shows up and stokes her fire. The opportunity is to find that fire inside yourself, right now, and not only after you’ve accomplished something … like lost 20 pounds, found an awesome partner, gotten bigger breasts, or made yourself look younger.

As Lisa puts it, after awakening her own Shakti and practicing these skills, she now permanently has a “simmering fire” inside, so that whenever she and her partner come together, as an example, she is ready to dive into pleasure and orgasmic enjoyment.

It is this internal “simmering fire” that makes you feel alive, radiant, sensual, and attractive, as well as productive and ready to lead.

Right now, Lisa is gearing up for her coaching program called Lover, Mother, Leader, where she guides women to awaken their own Shakti and reveal their radiance, in all the archetypical roles of a woman’s life, such as Lover, Mother, and Leader.

Check it out here ...

Also, Lisa gives tips for how to get started, even if you’ve never delved into this conversation before. Maybe you can just relate to being tapped out and overworked?

Listen to the entire podcast for more powerful insights and tips.

Exploring a new relationship with someone is both an exhilarating experience and a frightening one. Here you are, opening your heart, soul and body to someone with wild abandon and love but absolutely no commitment or guarantee of any future.

There is immense possibility for creating the relationship of your dreams on the one hand, and great risk and uncertainty on the other. Somewhere, you know, without a commitment or promise, you could be abandoned or rejected and deeply hurt at any time. There is great love, and great fear. It is challenging to open your heart to someone so completely with no promise or certainty.

The discomfort of not knowing the future that comes with the joy and exhilaration of intimate bliss can be emotionally quite unsettling. Even terrifying. The unsure mind wants to comfort itself with knowing the future.

It attempts to answer questions like ...

• Is this THE ONE?

Unfortunately, trying to answer these questions too soon is a mistake. Too often, people rush into making relationship determinations and decisions before their time. Or they try to force their partner to decide the future of the relationship before they are ready.

This focus on trying to figure out whether to marry or split up gets in the way of allowing the relationship to organically unfold.

People end and start relationships too quickly because they cannot stand to be with the uncertainty of the questions and the corresponding fear that arises.

In reality, it takes time to assess whether or not you are willing to commit and spend your life with another. It takes recurrence with someone over time to know whether or not you can trust one another to work through breakdowns as they arise and to successfully take care of your mutual needs and desires.

It can sometimes take people a couple of years before they feel resolved enough in their relationship choice to commit to marriage. So what do we do with all the emotional discomfort in the meantime? How do we deal with all of these unanswered questions and the fears that arise in the course of building relationship?

First, make peace with the questions - both yours and theirs. They will be here awhile. Know that questions do not necessarily mean you do not want to be together or that you don't love each other. Expand yourself to include both the deep love you are experiencing with your new partner and the fears, concerns and questions that abound. These questions are part of the dating process.

Focus on the now as much as possible. Instead of future thinking, focus on what is good and wonderful about your relationship. Enjoy the experience you are having, not the one you imagine you will not be having later.

Be in a mood of appreciation and gratitude for the wonderful experiences you are sharing together. Speak them out loud to each other. This practice will soothe your fears.

When you are afraid, feel, own and share your feelings. For example, saying, "I am scared", will bring you closer whereas jumping into your head and trying to get him or her to commit too early will only drive you apart.

Instead of asking future questions that instill doubt and fear, ask questions that instill joy, confidence and hope. Ask questions like, “How can I express my love more today? Where can I be more honest and transparent? How would I be if I trusted the perfect unfolding of this relationship? How would I be if I knew this was my perfect partner or a divinely inspired step towards my perfect partner?”

And most importantly make sure to keep nourishing yourself outside the relationship. Take bubble baths, listen to uplifting music, get together with friends, dance, exercise, meditate, get emotional support from a coach, keep working on your own personal development, etc.

Participating in activities and engaging in practices that keep you feeling good about yourself are crucial. They will help you stay centered and expand your emotional capacity to deal with the uncertainty inherent in the initial phases of courtship. Lastly, know that your questions will get answered over time. The old adage, Time Will Tell, has great truth. YOUR QUESTIONS WILL GET ANSWERED BY THEMSELVES!

You need only trust this fact and wait patiently, while doing what you can, as recommended above, to have a great time. Be sure to revel in the bliss and wonder of your relationship in the meantime! Allow love to flourish and take you where it wants to go.

As much as possible, enjoy the rush that comes from the unfolding of love, and don't rush to decide where it will all end up too quickly. Because, if you do, you may very well prevent love from growing at all.

A woman came into our office; we’ll call her Karen, very upset and jealous that her husband was “attracted to other women”. She had come across a picture of a woman he had liked on his Instagram account, which set off her jealousy. In fact, she got so mad at him, she accused him of being unfaithful and threatened to divorce him.

A man I coached, let’s call him Timothy, was enraged with his girlfriend, because she was always talking about how great her car was. Every time they’d go driving, she’d say, “I love this car, it makes me so happy driving it!” When he heard her say that, he’d feel a wave of anger arising inside him, and he’d clench his jaws in hopes of not saying something nasty. But sometimes he just couldn’t help himself and berated her for going on and on about her “stupid car”.

What do these two examples have in common?

First, both people got really angry over their partner’s behavior. Secondly, both of them reacted out of anger in ways they afterwards felt bad about, and which created a significant fall-out. Karen ended up with a serious breakdown after her outburst and accusations, and Timothy ended up having to apologize and backpedal after letting his girlfriend have it, but even after apologizing, he still felt mad and she felt hurt and kept her distance.

Third, and perhaps most importantly, both Karen and Timothy shared a very common predicament: They both made sketchy conclusions based on sketchy evidence.

Did you ever read or see the Hunger Games series? In case you haven’t, our young protagonists Catniss and Peeta go through all manner of harassment and awfulness at the hands of the “evil empire”, called The Capitol. Peeta is tortured and brainwashed to the point where he believes his beloved Catniss is his mortal enemy. The bad guys messed with his head so badly he can’t tell friend from foe, love from hate, fantasy from reality.

When they get reunited, Catniss and Peeta make up a game, a test of sorts, to help Peeta regain his sanity. Peeta says what he thinks, then asks Catniss, “Real or not real?”

In the final scene, they’re snuggled up in bed, and Peeta says, “You love me. Real or not real?” You might guess what her answer is:-).

Why is that relevant here?

Because both Karen and Timothy, although dealing with seemingly very different situations, are in a similar situation to Peeta in the Hunger Games. They don’t know what’s real or not real, true or not true, accurate or false. They don’t know what is fantasy and what is reality.

Karen sees an image on her husband’s Instagram account and quickly makes several conclusions.

She concludes that …

• He’s attracted to this woman

Real or not real?

Timothy, in his situation, when he hears his girlfriend talking about how much she loves her car, makes several conclusions, too.

He concludes that …

• She loves her car more than she loves him

Real or not real?

When we talk more in depth with Karen and Timothy, it quickly becomes clear that they don’t really know if any of these conclusions are real or not real. What IS real is that they themselves made up these conclusions based on the “evidence” at hand, which in each case was very skimpy evidence for such heavy conclusions.

What IS real is that Karen saw an image of a woman on her husband’s Instagram. And what IS real that Timothy’s girlfriend said, “I really love my car”.

Beyond those simple facts, everything else is a made-up conclusion that may or may not have any real basis.

How do you tell the difference between reality and fantasy?

One way is to simply ask yourself, like Peeta did, “Real or not real?” and sometimes it’ll be evident. For example, when Timothy realized he was concluding that his girlfriend was deliberately mocking him, he immediately said, “Not real, she’d never do that, that’s ridiculous”. (As you might know already, sometimes the stuff we conclude is flat-out ridiculous when we look at it).

Secondly, you ask the other person(s) involved. In Karen’s instance, she wasn’t sure if her conclusions were real or not real, so we would recommend she ask her husband about it.

A word of caution. When you ask your partner, or someone, if your conclusions or assumptions are real or not, try saying it this way.

“Because I saw a picture of so-and-so on your Instagram, I’m making up that you’re attracted to her and you’re not attracted to me. Is there any grain of truth to that?” (“Is there any grain of truth to that” is another way to say, “real or not real? 

DO NOT say, “You always have these skanks show up on your profile! Are you sleeping around with them, too!?” Don’t accuse before you know.

By including the words, “I’m making up that ...”, you acknowledge that what you’re making up could be just that, purely made-up conclusions with no grounding in reality.

When you ask directly, you might sometimes discover that some of your made-up conclusions do indeed have a solid basis. Sometimes your partner might say, “Yeah, there is a bit of truth to that”, which could open up some really juicy conversations, if you’re willing to go there.

The main point we want to make here is that we all suffer from the predicament of making up sketchy conclusions based on skinny evidence. Often, our conclusions are detrimental to our own wellbeing and to the health of our relationships.

When Timothy makes up that his girlfriend is telling him he’s not successful enough, it’s more a reflection of his own lifelong fear that he’s not successful enough, than it is her putting him down. In this case, she just loves her car, plain and simple. That’s it. The rest came straight from his “mind factory” 

Don’t believe your own conclusions too readily. Especially the ones that make you feel like crap!

The wonderful Byron Katie asks of her own thoughts: Is it true? Can I be absolutely certain it is true? 

Questioning your own conclusions might just set you free from the occasional madness of your own mind, and open up more space for love in your relationships.

Real or not real?  

Bickering and arguing can suck the life out of any relationship. Most of us have at one point another found ourselves in the kind of bickering fests, or arguments, where we wonder what we’re even arguing about in the first place.

If you haven’t been there yourself, you’ve probably witnessed the bickering couple at a family gathering, where aunt Jenny and uncle Bob are constantly correcting and retorting at each other.

If bickering and arguing was merely annoying, it might not be such a big deal. But more than that, it drains the sweetness out of your relationship and sours the mood in the house, or wherever you go. Plus, it’s a misguided and often covert attempt to get needs met, which always fails, leaving one or both partners unfulfilled.

In this podcast, we are going to share four of the biggest communication mistakes most couples make that keep you fighting like 3-year olds, and at least 5 easy remedies you can take to dramatically improve your communication in relationship, thus quitting bickering like kids and starting to communicate like loving adults.

“Everything and everyone wants to be loved.”

When we feel unhappy, lonely, disconnected, despairing, hopeless, disappointed, angry, hurt or any other unfavorable feeling in relationship, our first attempt at repairing the relationship and restoring love is to talk about our problems.

We focus on what isn’t working and on what we don’t like, we bring the issues in our relationship to the forefront – often in the form of complaint or blame or criticism to our partners – hoping they’ll instantly change for us as proof of their undying love.

We call this “technique” Complaining For Change. Sadly, this is the #1 go-to solution we use to fix problems in relationship. 

Unfortunately, complaining for change and talking about problems often produces resistance, upset and more distance with our partners. It even actually makes our problems worse. It literally produces the exact opposite result you were trying to accomplish.

What to do instead?

In this podcast, we give you solutions for how to positively get your relationship back onto a positive love track. You will learn how to turn your attention towards, and how to highlight, the more favorable aspects of your partner, your relationship and your life together, so that the best of you and your partner can shine.

With this upward spiral of love and appreciation now in motion, many of your problems will evaporate, plain and simple. The ones that remain are more easily addressed from this new foundation of love and appreciation.

This is Part 2 to the last podcast where I talked about our tendency to talk about our problems – or as we call it, Complaining For Change – when we want improvement in our relationships.

The positive intent behind talking about problems is the desire to get back to being in love, back to being connected, back to being in harmony, back to feeling good about ourselves, empowered and in love as a couple.

When I have a complaint, for example, that you don't listen to me. It’s as if I’m trying to convince you that I am right about how you don't listen. So I present all of this evidence to reinforce my position so that you will take me seriously and really get that I'm right about my perspective.

Once you see that I’m right – so the fantasy goes – you’ll make changes accordingly. Right?

It's a bit like I'm going to court to present my case so I can get the jury to agree with me that, yes, it’s true, he really doesn't listen to me.

Unfortunately, if I am right about how you don't listen, I am left with a partner who doesn't listen. If I am right about how you don't listen, what I “win” is that I have a partner who doesn't listen. Which is definitely NOT what I want.

I am in effect fighting to be right something I don’t want to be right about. I am going to court to fight a battle I don’t even want to win.

Here are a few stories to illustrate.

A man came to work with us. He was 49 years old, and he had been single most of his life. He’d never fallen in love, he said. All he really wanted was to have a relationship and create a family. He really wanted to have children and he wanted it more than anything. But he believed, indeed, he was fighting to be right about how it was too late for him, and he was too old, and it was never going to happen.

He didn't believe that he was worthy of creating that kind of relationship. He didn't think he had the experience. He didn't think he had the opportunity.

One of the first things we did when we worked with him was to ask if he were willing to be wrong about these negative self-assessments. Because in order for him to create what he wanted, he had to be willing to be wrong.

So he took it on. He took on being willing to be wrong. He showed our live trainings, he got to practice being in relationship in our interactive workshops.

About 10 months after starting with LoveWorks, he met Jessica and they fell in love. They got together. They got pregnant, and now have a precious three-year-old girl and are carving out a sweet life together. It all started with his willingness to be wrong about all of those old ideas and notions that he had been carrying around for almost 50 years.

Here’s anotherl story to illustrate how we inadvertently and unconsciously end up going for what we don't want when we're fighting to be right about an old story versus going for what we do want, which requires us being wrong.

Jenna and Tom were very estranged. They hadn't been sexual for a long time. They were sleeping in separate rooms. He was upstairs in their bedroom. She was downstairs on the couch and he was pissed off that they hadn't been intimate and sexual and she was really angry at their lack of intimacy and connection.

In the process of working with me, she began to uncover her real desire for connection with her husband that she really wanted to be wrong about certain aspects of him, that she really wanted to create a different connection, a different kind of relationship with him.

After one of our sessions she decided that that evening she was going to go up to her husband and initiate an intimate sexual interaction. So she did. She went upstairs, crawled into bed with her husband, and the first thing out of his mouth was, “See! You never do this! We never have intimacy. We never have sex because you are never this way!”

He then launched into complaining about their problems and everything that was missing. In that moment, Tom – like so many frustrated partners, missed the opportunity to have the intimacy and the sexual connection that he was longing for because he was fighting to be right about her unavailability.

He couldn't see her availability when it was right in front of him. And that is exactly what happens for a lot of us, we miss out on the opportunities to actually have the experiences of love and connection and joy that we long for because our minds are searching for evidence to reinforce us being right about very old dysfunctional stories that keep us unhappy and stuck and unsatisfied.

Begin to pay attention to and notice in yourself, what you are fighting to be right about that you haven't even noticed you've been fighting to be right about up until now.

Typically it's the stuff you say. It's the stuff you say to your girlfriends. It's the stuff you think in your head when you're really mad. It's the stuff you say when you're in a fight. Those sentences, those thoughts, those beliefs are often the very things we are fighting to be right about.

A powerful tool is to slow it down and find out what you're fighting to be right about. I'm never going to get what I want, right? Thoughts like, I’m never going to get what I want. You don’t listen. You don’t care. I’m not worth it. I’m the only one who cleans up around here. On and on.

Try writing them down so you can see it in print. Your identity is wrapped up around these thoughts. You’ll be able to see how you've been gathering evidence for these crappy stories your entire life.

Once you can see this, then play with being willing to be wrong.

I ask myself, “Am I willing to be wrong about that?” There’s all kind of things I’d like to be wrong about. I want to be wrong about how I'm not going to make enough money. I want to be wrong about how my kid's not going to turn out. I want to be wrong about us not being able to have a really great sex life. I want to be wrong about me not being able to find a great partner. I want to be wrong about me not being able to create the best living situation possible.

This is what’s going to help you create a successful relationship, so try it out.

Till next time, have fun being wrong!

If you found this valuable, hit the Share button and help your friends be wrong, too!

This is a quick intro episode to tell you a little bit about us, about our philosophy, and what you can expect from this podcast.

On the Dare To Love podcast, we intend to share with you insights, techniques, and practical tools for improving and empowering all your relationships, from your close intimate relationships with your spouse or partner, kids and family, all the way to your social and professional relationships with coworkers, employees or bosses.

Relationships are often an overlooked constant in our lives. Unless you aspire to be a hermit in a cave somewhere, you are in relationships every day. Actually, even the hermit can’t escape being in relationship with him or herself.

To be a happy, harmonious, and productive human being, all of us need to be skilled at navigating our relationships, working through conflicts and harmoniously creating loving meaningful connections with others.

Relationships are unique in that they have the potential to either lift you up or tear you down. Your relationships can make you feel like a million bucks, full of love and possibility, or they can feel terrible, break your heart and make you want to give up.

When experts talk about relationships, it’s almost always in the context of marriage, if you are a couple, or dating if you’re a single person. And whereas those are called your primary relationships for a reason, we’re suggesting that your relationships are something that affect your entire existence, and that both the victories and the downturns in your romantic relationships affect greatly every other aspect of your life.

Here are a couple of examples.

A young couple called us. Jeremy told us, “We had hit a really rough spot in our relationship, I had my bags packed and was basically just going to get in my car and go. Luckily, we pumped the breaks and my girlfriend called the number we had for LoveWorks.”

Inside less than a year, this couple went from splitting up, to recommitting to each other and starting a family. They now have two young children and are happier than ever. And if that was the end of the story, that’d be a wonderful happy ending.

But in the process of working with our LoveWorks system, what they learned spilled directly over into their work world. Jeremy is a corporate manager for chain of restaurants in California. He’s responsible for overseeing operations in a region that consists of 6 locations and over 400 employees. Jeremy said, “My business relationships have completely transformed. Today how I communicate and follow through on agreements based on skills I have learned from LoveWorks form the basis for how I do business. Using these skills have in part contributed to my company having double-digit growth the past 3 years in a very competitive industry. My personal financial reward based on these skills has also been amazing. I have seen my income double since 2015.”

As Jeremy expressed, your primary romantic relationships are not an isolated island in your life. The skills required for being an amazing husband, wife, or partner are directly transferrable to your career or community life.

Another great example was a naturopathic doctor, Dr. Cari, who sought out our work because she was tired of being single, and tired of, as she said, “Dating the same guy over and over again”. She said about herself, that, “I pretty much didn’t know how to relate to anyone. I faked it….”

Like so many people in today’s world, Dr. Cari is an example of an extremely accomplished, independent person who’s successful elsewhere in life, but couldn’t quite make love work. After working with our LoveWorks system, Dr. Cari did indeed meet the love of her life. They got married on a sandy beach in Costa Rica, and they moved in together a few states away with his two younger children. Great ending, right?

Well, it didn’t stop there. Dr. Cari later said, “Working with LoveWorks has changed the way I am at work, with my staff, with my friends, with everybody, and it certainly set me up to have the relationship I actually want.”

Working with any of your relationships can improve all your relationships, and actually your entire life.

We’re here to tell you that you have a lot more power and influence over how your relationships unfold than you might think. In fact, we believe relationships can be uplifting, connecting, loving, and mutually empowering.

Your relationships have the possibility to be a place where you get to be and express more of who you are, not less. We believe relationships have the possibility of being fun and easy, connecting and uplifting, and that working on improving your relationships can be fun and easy too.

When it’s not fun and easy, when it’s not satisfying and empowering, then something needs to change in a productive way. Unfortunately, most people don’t have the skills and tools to make productive changes, so they often devolve to complaining or separation and divorce, or just staying lonely and miserable.

Even the most annoying people in your life, the ones that push your buttons the most, which of course are often the very same people you love the most, even your relationships with them can be used to empower yourself and to expand your capacity for love.

Daring to love means to be your best self while supporting your partner or whomever, to be their best self. Raising each other up, instead of pulling each other down.

That’s what the Dare To Love Podcast is all about. Over more than 35 years, starting with Sonika and the last 10 years with Christian as well, we have invented and developed a lighthearted and extremely effective body of work for how to create loving, soul satisfying relationships, with a whole host of practical exercises, tools, and techniques to make every one of your relationships work.

Whether it’s communication, intimacy, sex, parenting, long-distance relationships, divorce, step-families, recovering from infidelity, masculine-feminine power dynamics, dating and brand-new relationships, non-monogamy, conflict resolution, work relationships, dealing with teenage kids or uncooperative ex’es, how to be a better boss or a happier employee, or simply a more powerful human being, we have tools and materials for all of it!

We’d like to change the stereotypical account that working on your relationship is hard and tedious and involves endless processing before you see some light at the end of the tunnel.

We once had a couple who came as a last-ditch effort to our workshop to save a 30-year marriage. They had been through a couple of years of traditional couples therapy, and the woman said, “It was like walking through mud, with no light at the end of the tunnel”.

But halfway through our weekend training, she said, “Wow, I had no idea it could be fun working on our relationship!” It can absolutely be fun and uplifting.

It’s our philosophy that if we can help you connect in love, to make an intimate space, then half your problems will simply disappear on their own, and everything else will look a lot brighter and will be easier to deal with.

On this podcast you’ll hear from both Sonika and myself, sometimes together, sometimes just one of us at a time, and you’ll also hear from other experts who have unique and interesting approaches to relationships.

At times, you’ll hear us talk about or recommend books or trainings from other experts, and you’ll hear us refer to our own workshops and coaching too. We offer several different workshops on love, sex, conflict, and fear, and we offer men’s, women’s, singles and couples retreats as well. We have been coaching individuals and couples, men and women for many, many years through our live and online trainings, our private coaching sessions in person or by phone, and our audio programs.

Which is just to say that we are here for you, should you need or want additional support or training, whether you live local or far away in another state or country.

You don’t need to improve your relationships this alone.

The fact that we are a couple deeply in love after 14 years is an interesting love story in and of itself, and also testimony to the efficiency of this work. Because Sonika and I are in many ways a very unlikely couple. When we met, Sonika was 47 and I was 32. Sonika is American, and lived in CA, I’m Danish and had lived in Denmark all my life. Sonika was well established in life, she owned houses and rental properties and 401k’s and had been in business for 20 years, whereas Chr was starting over, had no belongings, career or savings, for that matter. Sonika had young children, Chr was looking for someone to start a family with. Let’s just say the odds were definitely not in our favor!

And yet, here we are, 14 years later, married, teaching and running a business together, parenting and "playing house", and being wonderfully in love all the while.

We’ve had so many of the challenges modern people deal with. Blended families, and co-parenting with an ex, long-distance relationship – VERY long distance – financial ruin, we lost almost everything in the 2008 crash; Christian is an immigrant and that entire process is very challenging to deal with; we've had health challenges, you name it.

How did we manage all that, while remaining grounded, in love, and happy 95% of the time? We practiced all the stuff we teach, at our workshops and in private coaching, and here on the podcast. In short, we are here to offer empowering, uplifting conversations about the most important aspect of human existence, our relationships with other people.

We welcome your input or suggestions for topics to talk about. If you go to our website at loveworksforyou.com, you’ll see a Contact menu (here ...) and you can send your thoughts and ideas. Or simply shoot an email to [email protected].

And hey, as a last personal note for this brief intro episode – if your relationships aren’t what you want them to be, if you have too much arguing and too little fun, friendship or sex, don’t let yourself get stuck in loneliness or feeling bad about yourself.

There’s always another option, there’s always an improved place to step into. You never need to be stuck. The Dare To Love podcast is here to give you options, to reveal new possibilities and to help you dramatically improve your every relationship!

We look very forward to being with you! :-)

Sonika & Christian

In the beginning of your relationship, when you're all enamoured and in love - AKA the Honeymoon Phase - your partner is the best. You love almost everything about him or her and you let them know in every way possible: You touch and kiss and make love, you spend tons of quality time together, you speak words of admiration and appreciation. In short, they're amazing, you're amazing, your relaitonship is amazing, and your future potential is ... well, amazing! 

At some point, your partner begins to show signs of being a mortal, like leaving their stuff everywhere, saying no to your advances, wanting to hang out with other people instead of another romcom on the couch with you. You begin to hear an edge to their voice, irritation with your habits, or sometimes even flat-out hostility that you totally hadn't seen coming. 

When that happens, what do you - or really anyone - do in order to make it better, to bring it back to love? 

You talk about it! You mention it. You bring it up. You complain. Now, when you're the one doing that, it seems to you that you're merely bringing up a good point, in a calm and reasonable manner, so you can deal with it like adults. Right? 

But rest assured, in the ears of your partner, it always lands as complaining, critisizing, or fingerpointing. So we call it simply "complaining". 

You complain for a good reason, though. Why? Because you think it's going to affect a positive change. The fantasy is that if you say, "You never listen to me!", your partner is going to say, "Really? OMG, I'm so sorry, that'll never happen again, I want to hear every word you say". 

Does that ever happen in real life? Nope, it doesn't. 

Instead, what happens? Your partner gets defensive, or shuts down, or goes away. Either way, they're definitely NOT listening to you more. Hence, your attempts to improve the situation produce the exact opposite. 

We call it Complaining For Change. It's what start the downward trend of your relationship. It's the slow, painful kiss of death for your love. It sours the mood in your house and in your own mind. And it's imperative that you stop it. 

Additionally, because most of us suffer from what is called "negativity bias", once the honeymoon is over, we focus more and more on the negative stuff, the things we don't want and don't like. And we say something about it (i.e. complaining for change), and thus we start the downward spiral. 

If you've been in any significant relationship, you know this phenomenon. Somehow, it just get harder and harder NOT to see the things that annoy or concern you. Often, you don't notice till it's too late that your increased focus on what's not working simultaneously decreases your focus on what you love and appreciate. It's a double-downard-whammy. 

In order to create powerful, loving, satisfying relationship, we need to make a shift in how we respond. A shift from Reaction to Creation. Instead of reflexively reacting to what we don't want (e.g. your partner saying no to your advances, or not listening as much as they should), we need to be able to consciously create what we want, consciously choosing a path that produces a better result for us.