The Man Rules

Thankfully, discussions about gender conformity and its influence on mental health, crime, and violence have hit the mainstream. A big part of that discussion focuses on the idea of "toxic masculinity." Is masculinity itself at the center of all of mens' problems? And are men at the center of all the world's problems? It can certainly feel that way if you spend a lot of time on Twitter... Randy Flood, author of the best article on toxic masculinity we've ever read (as well as several other books and articles about men's issues) is on the podcast this week to set the record straight on what toxic masculinity is, and what it isn't. He helps us understand that traits that are considered "masculine" aren't toxic, but that the rigid adherence to those traits in all situations, even when they are damaging to self or others, is.

We've been producing episodes of The Man Rules podcast every week for almost 2.5 years now. It's been an honor to provide this for free to our listeners as a resource for those in recovery, and those who just want to live more conscious lives. Unfortunately, we've reached a crossroads with the show. If we can't find a source of funding to cover the show's monthly expenses, we'll have to discontinue production. Would you be willing to offer a small monthly donation to keep the podcast running? (Say, around $5 a month?) If so, send an email to[email protected] and let us know you're interested. If enough folks say "yes" we'll go through the process of setting up an official donation channel...

When we think about addiction and recovery, we tend to think specifically about drugs--both recreational and prescription-- including alcohol. But, some people struggle with other substances and behaviors that we don't often talk about when we talk about addiction--things like compulsive shopping/spending, work addiction, video game addiction, porn addiction, and compulsive overeating, to name a few. In this episode, Andrea (producer extraordinaire of our podcast) talks vulnerably with Dan about her own struggles with an addiction to sugar and other disordered eating behaviors. She discusses the ups and downs of recovery from an issue that many don't understand and yet is an epidemic in this country.

Is love a feeling or an action? Is it a choice we make, or is the result of a magical bond with another person that is impossible to explain? Do you decide to be a loving person, or are you just born that way? If you've listened to this podcast before, you've probably guessed that the answer is "both/and." Psychiatrist Michael McGee joins Dan this week to talk about love as both a practice and a guiding principle. And, this is not mere navel-gazing, people. Dr. McGee breaks it down into a series of practical steps to being more connected, more purpose-driven, and more fulfilled by building a more loving presence.

"If it's true that men want sex 24/7, what does it mean if he won't have sex with me?" "Why won't he engage in foreplay before sex or cuddling after? There's no affection or intimacy." "Why is sex only about what he wants? Doesn't what I want matter?" If you're a woman who has asked yourself these questions about your man, you are certainly not alone. Why are these issues so common in relationships? And what can be done about it? This week, Allen Berger is back to help Dan shed some light on the thing that often prevents men from experiencing real intimacy through sex--fear. Specifically, the fear of violating the man rule pertaining to sex, which frankly might also be called "the porn rule" because so much porn reinforces a very narrow perspective on what men should want, how they should behave, and how they should approach sex in general--but, we digress. Listen for a very candid discussion of the fears and false beliefs that likely limit your man's expression of his sexuality and find out how to work alongside him in overcoming them.

Look around your local gym long enough, and you're likely to see the phrase "Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional," emblazoned on a bumper sticker, a T-shirt, or a bicep in the form of a tattoo. It's one thing to adopt that mantra as a way to encourage yourself to eke out one more rep or run one more minute. It's another to adopt it as an overall way of life. That's what Byron Katie specializes in. "The Work" that it takes to wake up to reality, let go of negative perceptions about yourself and your place in the world and to stop judging - others and yourself. Ask yourself a series of four questions when you're having a strong emotional reaction-- 1. Is it true? 2. Can I be sure that it's true? 3. How do I react when I believe that it's true? 4. Who would I be without this thought? If you do this simple--but not easy--exercise on a regular basis you can begin to opt-out of suffering and make more conscious decisions about your life. And remember, as Katie says: Reality is always kind. It's just that we so rarely live in it.

Our culture is weird about sex. We're surrounded by allusions to it constantly--in our advertisements, TV shows, movies, music, websites--but it's rare for any of those mediums to address it in a way that isn't salacious or jokey. It's rare to see any real or fictional characters in popular media talking about sex in a way that's mature and reflective.

In this episode, Dan gives a short talk on what it might mean for men if we all started having more earnest conversations about sex, reflecting on what we want from it, what we need from it, and what it means to us personally. How can we move beyond some of the unhealthy and unrealistic expectations The Water sets up for us, and define our own sexuality.

Men's experiences as fathers are more varied than popular culture would have you believe. Although the doors are beginning to open a little wider for men who want to take on duties that were traditionally only part of Mom's domain, there is still a lot of stigma to battle. Today, in honor of Father's Month, Nate Brewer talks to Dan about his experiences as a stay-at-home Dad. He explains both how he made the decision to stay home with his kids, and how people tend to react to the revelation that parenting is his full-time job. If you are also a stay-at-home Dad, Nate's story will help you feel less alone. If you have some assumptions about what being a stay-at-home Dad means--playing video games in your pajamas all day, perhaps?-- his story will likely entirely change your perception.

When we become fathers, so many of our choices are reactions to how our fathers raised us. We often either fall in line with his expectations, or rebel against them. Either way, we aren't really making our own choices, based on who we most want to be. In this episode, Dan and Allen offer up some exercises you can do to begin to separate your own needs and desires from your father's. It's the first step toward developing more conscious fatherhood, and more conscious masculinity.

In honor of both Father's Month and Pride Month, we're replaying this episode from 2018, featuring the late Tim Clausen.

Tim interviewed more than 80 men for his book Not the Son He Expected: Gay Men Talk Candidly About Their Relationship with Their Father. The book, and Tim's interview here on the podcast, are helpful and encouraging resources for gay sons, their fathers, and for all those who love and care about them.

Tim's own personal stories about his relationship with his father, and his relationship with his own son, serve as great examples of how to live with emotional courage while navigating the powerful, and sometimes troubling, relationships between fathers and sons.