The Man Rules

We are all sexual beings. In some ways, it's completely natural to notice attractive people and feel...certain urges. But, when do those natural, healthy urges cross over into something unhealthy--perhaps even sinister? When and how do those urges begin to influence how you see women (sex objects) and how you see yourself as a man (sex machine)? (Note: If you are a homosexual man, just replace "women" with men. It's definitely possible for men to overly objectify other men!) In this solo episode, Dan talks a bit about his own urges--NOT in great detail. This episode is only rated PG-13.-- and his struggle to understand the impact The Man Rules have had on his view of women's sexuality and his own...

In our monthly Deep Dive episode, Dan talks in depth with one man about how The Man Rules have impacted his life, and how he has worked toward a more conscious masculinity. This week Michael Dinneen manages to say a lot of really profound and beautiful things about finding God, without sounding the least bit like a sanctimonious arsehole. (That's a rare gift.)

The conversation runs the gamut from friendship, parenting, recovery from addiction(s), and what it means to be a man. But, the highlight of each topic is the paradox that's inherent in any man's attempt at self-actualization— You can't become self-reliant on your own. In fact, the more you rise out of the mucky swamp of your ego, the more you need to rely on others and on a power greater than yourself.

After listening to this episode, you're probably going to want more wisdom from Michael. And you can find it in his book, The Gift of Fulfillment.

This post is being brought to you from the great city of Indianapolis, where Producer Andrea lives. For those who are unfamiliar, the Indy 500 is a race where odd looking vehicles with really big tires whip around a circular track at alarming speeds— often more than 200 mph. The aim is to be the first driver to complete 500 laps around the circle. There's money, prestige, and fame at stake so, of course, all of the drivers are desperate to win. It's pretty exciting stuff.

But for many people, (Producer Andrea included), the most interesting thing about the race isn't the race itself. It's the pit stops.

Isn't it amazing that in a race where the goal is to drive, drive, drive as fast as you can, and be the first and the best, THE CARS HAVE TO STOP SOMETIMES? Can you imagine being an Indy Car driver, full of adrenaline and dopamine, with the words "Go, Go, Go!" crying out from the depths of your soul, having to make a conscious decision, often 2 or 3 times during the race, to stop? Can you imagine trying to convince yourself that stopping, even for only 8 seconds, would not put you at a serious disadvantage in a race where milliseconds matter? Can you imagine the temptation they must feel to just ignore the advice of their race team and just keep going?

(Do you see where we're going with this analogy-wise?)

How do you feel when you read the following words? SELF CARE. Does it sound like something a woman made up--possibly Oprah? Does it sound like something only women are allowed to do? Does it sound like something that might be nice for other people, but just isn't a luxury you can afford right now as you're trying to get that promotion, or get that person to marry you, or get your kids into that great school, etc, etc, etc?

Imagine you're an Indy Car driver. Imagine hearing your crew manager say through your radio, "Hey, man. You need to stop for new tires and some fuel and an adjustment of your flex capacitor." (or whatever.) Imagine saying to him, "Yeah, that would be nice, I guess, but I just can't stop right now… I'm in third place! Only a few laps to go! I can totally push through."

Imagine what happens next. (Hint: A tire falls off as you're speeding along, you spin out of control, hit a few other cars that trying to speed past you, cause them to spin out of control and hit other cars, crash, bang, fires, disaster.)

Self care isn't bubble baths, pints of ice cream and Netflix binges; it's a stop for needed maintenance. It's a prevention of wear and tear on your vehicle. It keeps you in the race.

In this episode, Tim Harrington stops by to talk to Dan, not about the Indy 500, but about scheduled maintenance for your soul. (a.k.a. Self Care.) He offers up a number of great suggestions for how to do self care in a way that leads to lasting growth and change. Check it out, and stay tuned for future updates from Tim as he takes his family on the road…

What do people mean when they say that "it's a man's world?"

They mean, in most cases, that men possess most of the power and control in our society. But, what does that mean? Most men balk at the idea that they are "in control." That's because, like most things related to gender expectations, the definition of "control" can be a little murky. Men get the message in a million subtle ways from birth that a "real man" steps up and takes control in any critical situation. He's expected to be the leader in the boardroom, the living room, and the bedroom. He's expected to be in control of his emotions at all times, to be the one to discipline himself and his children. He has all the answers. He solves all the important problems. He earns the income, and controls how it is spent. He decides and directs. He takes action. He moves others to action. And he… must be so freaking exhausted. THESE are The Man Rules and the expectations they place upon men.

Of course there is nothing wrong with men taking on leadership roles if they feel qualified and called to it. It all comes down to whether they have a tendency toward "toxic control" or "nurturing control." The rule that says men must lead, must control all outcomes, and must control those around them in order to achieve desired outcomes, is a form of toxic control and leads to a lot of misery for men, and the people around them. In contrast, "nurturing control," which we agree sounds like a total oxymoron, is a tendency to take control of a situation when and if it is needed and warranted, and when those affected feel comfortable with ceding control to you.

In this episode, Dr. Allen Berger returns for another installment of the What Men Would Tell You… series. He and Dan offer some insight for women into where a man's tendency toward toxic control often comes from, and how they may be able to support him in adjusting that behavior. AND, as an added bonus, women listening may be able to begin to recognize some of their own tendencies toward toxic control, with the end goal of forming a more equitable, mutually supportive, and satisfying relationship.

1. Reflect on one relationship that is important to you. How does toxic control show up in that relationship? How does nurturing power show up in the relationship? Note: Don't ask yourself if you exhibit toxic control, ask how. If you ask how, we can assure you will find some presence of those behaviors in the relationship.
2. Experiment. If you find that you often feel the need to be right, try giving that up. Look at disagreements from the other person's point of view and not yours. For example, if they say, "You never understand me," instead of immediately pointing out all of the ways that they're wrong, consider the possibility that you don't really understand them. Investigate it instead of dismissing it as untrue or feeling like you need to correct them.

Everyone told you being a Dad would be hard, right? Many probably even said, "Nothing can prepare you…" And, man, they were so right. There's nothing we can tell you to make the transition to being a new Dad a smooth and easy one, but we can help you figure out how to be more involved, more present, and more engaged as a parent and a partner. That's what we're aiming to do in this series of Daddy Downloads from The Man Rules podcast.

In this episode, Dan shares some thoughts on how Dads can help keep the home fires burnin' in the bedroom and beyond.

In this episode of The Man Rules podcast, Dan and Andrea struggle along with the rest of American through a conversation about Brett Kavanaugh, gender-based privilege, and the politicization of victimhood. All of those are fancy words for some real "complicated shit."

By the end of the episode, the honorable podcast hosts both rule in favor of self-reflection as critical to growth and the development of real, meaningful and lasting success. Without it, one could remain frozen in adolescence, using the same old markers of success from his high school and college days--love of beer, sly references to esoteric sexual innuendos, athletic and academic achievements, and did he mention his love of beer?-- as markers of success when he's in his fifties. That would indicate that he might be a man who, when he became a man, failed to put away childish things. (Just sayin'.) Sadly, protracted adolescence is nothing new for a lot of men. The Man Rules and how we raise boys to be men sets a lot of men up for that but how do we support them in taking responsibility for it?

Lack of self-reflection can leave one blind to their own privilege, blind to the power that often comes with that privilege, and unaware that they can do real damage with the choices they make. One man's "silly" behavior, is another man's - or woman's - abusive and demeaning behavior.

At the end of the day, it can be really hard to see The Water sometimes. Especially when there's a benefit to not seeing how other people may be drowning in the same water in which we are swimming so freely. How do you know the difference? Well it certainly has to happen in conversation with other. And we have to listen to others. And believe their truth. That cannot happen without humility. And one cannot have humility when they simply stand in judgment of others.

The Man Rules Podcast has been blessed to have our producer, Andrea Sauceda, since we began in May 2017. We are a small podcast with very little budget and she has given her time graciously and generously. She is taking a long overdue break this month and so now I am taking over the reins for all of September. This is week 4 and let's just say, I welcome her back! – Dan

"It is not death that a man should fear; but he should fear never beginning to live."

• Marcus Aurelius

On September 4th, a good friend of mine died. Tragically. Even absurdly. While playing with his granddaughter and son in the ocean, his favorite place to be, he apparently hid his head on a rock while diving under a wave, was knocked unconscious, and then drowned. Crazy. And yet, that is the precious and ultimately unpredictable reality of life. We never actually know when it will end for us.

Tony was 62 and was just about to celebrate his 31st sobriety anniversary. In fact, his celebration of life ceremony was held on that exact day! It was most definitely a life well-lived. Tony exuded what I am constantly talking about: a conscious man. A father of 3 young men, grandfather, and loving husband of over 30 years, Tony was committed to being the best man he could be in every situation he was in. He exuded vulnerability and honesty. Whether it was in personal or his professional life, his goal was to leave you and your life better than when he first saw you.

Tony was far from perfect but if you could see the smile that emanated from his face or feel the strength of his hug as his arms wrapped around you, you would know that he was a conscious man.

The truth is there is nothing fair about his death. But Tony believed in miracles and he knew that he was one. He found God in the ocean and on September 4th, God found him there too.

I hope you enjoy this podcast and that it brings to mind the men like Tony you have been blessed to have in your life. Celebrate them - while they're still alive.

Everyone is interested in how men and women are getting along these days. What if there were something other than "we're from different planets" model? Once a month my good friend, Dr. Allen Berger, and I take over the Man Rules podcast to talk about our forthcoming book, What Men Would Tell You If They Weren't Too Busy Watching TV.

This month Allen and I start our Man Rules discussion where we are going to discuss each of the 10 Man Rules that we unpack at length in the book. The first one is the Man Rule that is most often the first one named when I have the audience identify the Man Rules themselves: Don't Cry.

This powerful Rule is about much more than simply not crying. It is one of the mega rules because so many of the other rules are built into it: don't show feelings, don't be vulnerable, don't be weak, and many more.

How does it show up in your relationship? How does it show up in your life? The Water is very deep with this Rule.

I had the pleasure of having a conversation with Adam Lamb. The idea was to talk about how various types of masculinity impact the workplace. (Side Note: I am trying not to use the term "toxic masculinity" anymore because I realized I fundamentally disagree with it. It is too easy to use that to mean men are toxic or to dismiss outright certain expressions of masculinity that may not be as "cool" or "woke." The men we most want to reach probably aren't going to listen if that's the term we're using. I'm still working on a new term that better fits. Maybe, traumatized masculinity but I am not sure. I digress.) And we did talk about that. And much more including the role that conscious men - or harmonized men, as Adam talks about it - can take in the ongoing #metoo conversation. It was a cool conversation even if we didn't quite talk about what I had intended.

Practical Tactical

1. Men need to find a place where they can own all of who they are in neutrality. In other words: accept themselves and own all of their imperfections without judgment and shame.
2. Join a men's group. If you can't find one, start one! Get on Meetup.com. There are online resources to guide you on how to do it.
3. Body work. Some type of body work. There are numerous ways that we can take care of our bodies. Our spirit is the rider and our body is the horse. Start with something to honor the horse!

You can learn more about Adam at www.Adammlamb.com

Check out his new book An Initiated Man

Adam Lamb was born in Medford Mass in the turbulent 1960's. His mother is a Cuban immigrant and his father was a Professor of Modern Languages at Purdue University. Adam spent most of his life as a professional chef, writing non fiction in between cooking fish. A story teller since an early age, Adam sang in an all original rock and roll band in the 90's, writing all the lyrics, arrangements and recording three cd's with the South Florida band, Blind Pilot. He has three siblings as well as three grown children, and one grandson who all wish to remain nameless lest they get connected, socially, to Adam's infirmity and self indulgence. He is a sought after speaker on the issues of purpose, leading a thriving life and enjoying successful relationships. Following a conversation where the right questions were finally asked, Adam has dedicated himself to paying forward the freedom with which he now lives his life. He now coaches and guides those who are looking to take action in creating the lives they know is possible. He hosts a weekly Facebook Live called 'The Morning MAN-ifesto' and a monthly podcast, 'MAN-ifesto Radio'. Adam's published works include: Getting Comfortable with Being Uncomfortable, Profanity & Its Proper Use and An Initiated Man, Finally. His newest book, 'Circle Jerk – Lessons of Manhood My Father Never Taught Me' is due out in summer 2019.

The Man Rules Podcast has been blessed to have our producer, Andrea Sauceda, since we began. We are a small podcast with very little budget and she has given her time graciously and generously. She is taking a long overdue break this month and so now I am taking over the reins for all of September. Let's hope I don't break it. :)

Life is one lesson after another. If we are paying attention. Sometimes we get the same lessons over and over, often with increasing intensity. The first time it is as if the Universe is saying, "Psst...Hey Buddy" and just whispers in our ear. The next time maybe there is a slight tap on the shoulder. Then a tug of the arm. Then getting hit upside the back of the head. Hopefully a two-by-four across the forehead can be avoided. The question: What does it take to wake up? The young people (holy shit, did I just say that? I am still kicking and screaming into middle age) talk about being #woke and it is a wonderful concept but sooooooo much hard to put into practice in your life. At least, in my experience, it is pretty easy to go back to sleep.

In this episode, I talk about a car accident I had last week and the lessons I am taking away from it. I am truly grateful that nobody was hurt. I am pretty sure this was me getting hit upside the back of the head. It is amazing the near tragedies and catastrophes we walk away from because Life is giving us an opportunity to pay close attention. And yet we close our eyes. Other than my car, there was no damage. I hope I listen. This time.

Discussed in this Episode

The Butterfly Effect

Bullet with Butterfly Wings (and Lyrics)