The Man Rules

The Man Rules do not prepare men to navigate the rocky emotional terrain of their day-to-day lives. So, what happens when childhood sexual abuse and emotional abuse make that terrain much, much rockier than average?

In most cases, it leads to men suffering in silence from profound depression, crippling anxiety, rage, addiction, and behaviors that are destructive to themselves and others. Larry Ruhl, our guest this week, was on such a path until his caring partner encouraged him to get help. His father began sexually abusing him at age 4, and he was constantly subjected to his narcissistic mother's verbal abuse, manipulation, and violent rages. Teased and berated for not being man enough; seduced and abused for his sensitivity and vulnerability.

He shares his story with Dan and proves that no matter how men have suffered, or how limited they've been by The Man Rules, there is hope and there is a better way forward.

Larry's story is the first to be featured in our new series of Deep Dive episodes, where we ask one man to share about his struggles in learning to live authentically in spite of The Man Rules. If you can identify with any of this story please find someone with whom you can talk and consider getting help and support. You deserve peace and you don't have to suffer alone.

Jess Pettitt is, among other things, a diversity educator.

Did you just roll your eyes at that? Did you shudder at the memory of a terrible corporate diversity training you we forced to attend in the past? Did you recall a particularly hilarious episode of The Office where they brilliantly spoofed diversity trainings? Did you feel annoyed at the idea of giving the PC Police yet another platform and frustrated by the fact that you can't say anything to anyone anymore without offending them?

Then, you're definitely going to want to listen to this show. Jess and Dan shine a light on how the fear of getting it wrong— whether "it" is breaking one of The Man Rules or saying the wrong thing at the wrong time to your female co-worker— prevents us from learning from one another, developing meaningful connections, and advocating for positive changes. And this is not a one-sided conversation. This is no liberals-are-awesome-and-conservatives-suck kind of deal. It is about learning how to listen to everyone.

Jess also shares some great practical tips for doing the best you can with what you have some of the time, instead of striving for perfection or opting out due to pressure and frustration.

Stories of violence continue to appear daily on our screens and we continue to wonder why. Is it the guns? Is it mental health? Is it video games? Is it Trump?

Is it men? (All but two of the mass shootings in the history of this country have been perpetrated by men or even adolescent boys.)

Maybe, says our guest Randy Flood. Though male socialization isn't the only cause of male-perpetrated violence, it's impossible to deny that it plays a role. Most men learn early on to disconnect from emotion—theirs and everyone else's."Suck it up" and "man up" culture has left many men without the ability to acknowledge their own pain and struggles. And, if you can't even empathize with yourself, how can you ever really empathize with anyone else?

In short, men are left with no tools for dealing with things like fear, shame, rejection, loneliness, and anger. As a result, many act out aggressively, and sometimes violently - because those are the few tools many men are allowed to use to deal with the overwhelming emotional pain and suffering in their lives.

In this episode, Dan and Randy talk about how helping men gain emotional literacy and develop empathy can lead to a reduction in domestic violence and other violent crimes.

Any relationship worth its salt—whether it's with a partner, spouse, co-worker, friend, or child—is well-seasoned with conflict. "We never fight" is really just code for "We are never honest with one another." So, don't measure your success in a relationship based on how often you fight, measure it based on how calmly and respectfully you manage to behave during a fight, and how authentically you are able to reconnect with the other person afterwards.

Reconnecting after a major disagreement requires humility and vulnerability--and, God, we so resent that here at The Man Rules podcast. But, in this episode, Dan explains how you can actually get comfortable with vulnerability in spite of The Man Rules' insistence that you never feel or show vulnerability. And, he shares some great tips on how to create emotional safety for your loved ones by demonstrating that the relationship is more important to you than the rift.

A major shift is happening in how we view gender, sexuality and violence. Many people, like our guest Mary Woods, see echoes of the 60s civil rights movements in this modern era of protest and consciousness raising. But, many men feel confused about their place in these movements. In the stories we hear day after day, men are the perpetrators of the sexual violence, racial violence, and gun violence. Much of the conversation focuses on how to change men--and no doubt, change is needed. But, as Dan often says, "We can't just change what men think, we have to change what we think about men."

Change cannot happen when people are silenced or dismissed. The Women's Movement has had its success through teaching women how to understand the day-to-day mechanics of their oppression and the importance of speaking out against them. In order to speak out, they had to build a huge community of people who would lend their support and make it safe for them to speak out and take action.

We have to do the same for men.

In this episode Dan and Mary talk about the ways that we can support men as they confront the injustices of their socialization as men (i.e. be the biggest, the baddest, the richest, the meanest), wrestle with their relationships to power, and try to build a canal through the muddy waters of gender expectation.

The truth—as both Dan and his guest Dr. Michael Levittan see it—is that the ways we raise boys and girls to relate to one another is dysfunctional at best, personally damaging and emotionally debilitating at worst. The consequences of this reality range from domestic violence and sexual assault to a life full of disconnection and dissatisfaction in relationships.

So how do imperfect people and imperfect parents such as ourselves, with our own struggles and hang-ups when it comes to power dynamics in relationships, show our children a better way? According to Dr. Michael, one way is to raise them without consequences.

For those of us who are parents, that sounds crazy, right? Irresponsible, even! But, the remarkable thing about Dr. Michael's approach, is that it can help kids, teenagers, and young adults make space in their minds so that they can actually think for themselves about the potential consequences of their actions and have a productive conversation with their parent(s) without the fear, resentment, or anger—feelings that so often get in the way of kids (and adults!) ability to make good decisions.

What kind of man do you want to be? And, what's keeping you from being that man? That is the mantra of our podcast. Chances are, one of the things getting in that way is unresolved pain from the past. "Ah, horse shit!" you say. "I can't stand those people who blame their parents and their teachers and their schoolyard bullies for everything. Just get over it already!"

So, here's the bad news: the impact of childhood, relational trauma—the type of trauma that falls more in line with day-to-day instances of verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and emotional neglect—is not just the stuff of daytime TV talk shows. It's been the subject of rigorous scientific study for some years now and has been shown time and again to not only have a negative impact on your behavior, but also on your actual physical health. (Read more about the ACEs Study for details.)

But, here's the good news. According to our guest Dr. Mike Barnes, you can change the past—Kind of. Sometimes understanding how and why you struggled within your family can help you change your story. Did you know you wrote it? That means you can rewrite it!

And, if you struggle with anger, anxiety, depression, or addiction, identifying the traumas that may have triggered those struggles can allow you to take advantage of the many groundbreaking treatment options that have become available in recent years, including EMDR and neurofeedback.

If your aim is to live a life that's more intentional and more fulfilling than the one that was modeled for you growing up, this is a topic you won't want to shy away from. It's not about blaming other people for your problems--it's about taking responsibility for your own behaviors through deeper self-knowledge.

As men, we often define ourselves by degrees of career success. It's not enough to produce good work--you have to produce the best work. It's not enough to provide a modest, but comfortable living for yourself and/or your family--you have to provide enough for the bigger houses, the best neighborhoods, the best schools. It's not enough to have published a couple of books that you're proud of--maybe they could have been New York Times bestsellers if you'd have worked harder. Whether your job is in a business setting, or inside your home as the caretaker for your family, it's not enough to just be present and try to contribute to the whole in a way that's authentic and meaningful to you--if you aren't making tons of money or getting tons of recognition for it, haven't you failed somehow?

In this very special solo episode of the podcast, Dan says, "Nope" and "Fuck you." JUST KIDDING. Instead, he speaks very sincerely about his own struggles with having enough and being enough. And, about his own uncertainty as to whether his drive for greater and greater success in the field of men's health and recovery over the past decade was really born of his own true passions, or from an unconscious acceptance of The Man Rule that told him what kind of success he should want.

We'd love to hear your own stories about this struggle, which we know is a common one for so many people. Hop over to our brand-new, closed Facebook group, to talk about it with other like-minded men and women.

Visit the children's clothing aisles in your favorite department store, and you'll quickly see how deeply obsessed we are with gender dichotomies. You can be either masculine or feminine, dolls or trucks, pink or blue. You can either be tough or you can be soft. You can either be objective or you can be emotional. You can either be devoted to family or devoted to career. Everything is either/or, rarely both/and.

This means that in order to embody our cultural idea of masculinity, men have to give up any and all claims to traits or behaviors we label as "feminine." This forces men to detach from the fullness of the human experience.

In order to change the ways we think about men--and help men change the ways they think about themselves--we have to be able to hold competing truths in our heads--You CAN be a total badass and total sweetie pie at the same time. We also have to stop looking at men who display hyper-masculine perspectives and behavior and calling them "typical." They're not. They are extreme examples. In order to change unfair expectations about who men can and should be, we have to focus on what's really going on with men who live between the extremes.

In this episode, Dan talks to psychologist Dr. Ryan McKelley who helps shed some light on what is really going on in between the extremes and how men can tune in to the full range of their emotions to develop more self-discipline and make more meaningful connections.

For Jason MacKenzie everything was going as planned. He had a great job, a beautiful wife, two kids, a nice house, and a nice car. So, how did he one day find himself, widowed, and drinking until he passed out (again) on his couch, while his heartbroken 9-year-old daughter played on the floor alone?

On this episode of The Man Rules podcast, Jason explains how he radically changed his life by stepping outside of his alpha male persona and embracing his long-hidden emotionality, sensitivity, and creativity through vulnerability. You'll learn more about his mission to help other men discover the power of emotion through his Mental Health Warriors project and hear his Practical and Tactical Tips for living a more authentic life. He and Dan also discuss the differences between the problematic use of alcohol and addiction, and paths available to recovery.

1. There is so much knowledge and wisdom to be gained through your emotions. Allow yourself to feel every single one. You don't have to let them dictate your decisions in order to learn from them.
2. Be willing to share your story in order to help others. This doesn't mean that you have no boundaries and share anything and everything and with anyone and everyone. It means that you recognize when someone is struggling, and offer to share your story if you think it will help them.
3. When you start to step into your emotions, you are going to create opportunities for yourself that you've never even imagined before. Learn to embrace those opportunities and to learn from disappointment and failure.

Bonus: If you'd like to talk to someone about what you're going through right now, you can book a complimentary two-hour conversation with Jason at MentalHealthWarriors.com.

Jason MacKenzie is an expert on peak human performance. His philosophy, experience, and methods are born from the laboratory of his own life and the lives of the people he serves. A father, published author, experienced speaker, and proven leader Jason is sharing the important life lessons he has learned from his harrowing personal journey. He is a survivor of his wife's battle with bipolar disorder and subsequent suicide and has overcome a decade-long battle with alcohol. His goal is to equip every man with the tools to become a better father, leader, and human being. Find out more at MentalHealthWarriors.com

The Mental Health Warriors Podcast

Terry Real - "The impact of male socialization is disconnection."

Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability