The Man Rules

Jiu-Jitsu is a martial art that "promotes the concept that a smaller, weaker person can successfully defend themselves or another against a bigger, stronger, heavier assailant by using proper technique, leverage, and most notably, by taking the fight to the ground." (Wikipedia)

As women--and some men--continue to come forward with accusations of sexual assault and sexual harassment against some of our nation's most powerful men through the #metoo movement, we are all being forced to grapple with the painful reality of gender-based abuse and oppression--And sometimes it gets ugly. Why did this reckoning come, and why now? Is it really a reckoning or is it an overreaction?  And who's really being treated most unfairly these days?

Dr. Jamie Marich, an emotional trauma expert, expressive arts counsellor, writer, and student of Jiu-Jitsu talks with Dan about how we can overcome the gender divide through sharing our experiences with one another, having open and honest conversations and actively listening.

She and Dan also share some useful insights on how women and men can work through anger and grief in ways that help them connect with one another, learn from one another, and help one another take the fight against gender discrimination to the ground.

In this episode, speaker and teacher John Wineland defines masculine and feminine polarity (think magnetic fields) and their differing energies and strengths as they relate to intimacy and sex. John talks about how personal awareness of those different energies, which he labels as feminine and masculine, lead to deeper and safer connections with our partners. (We are not sure how much we agree on the labelling of these energies in gendered terms.)  Although it all may sound a little “woo-woo,” and you may not agree with everything John says, his intentions are just like ours here at the Man Rules Podcast: to help men create and sustain more effective connections. John seeks to bring a greater spiritual awareness to men and their relationships. You’ll walk away from this show with some practical strategies you can use to learn more about yourself and your partner by paying attention to the ways in which you both express masculine and feminine energies, and how to cultivate more presence and depth within yourself and your relationships.

When's the last time you talked to another man about something that was going on in your life and how you were feeling about it? Something besides sports, business, or cars--Go ahead. Think about it. We'll wait.

If you're like a lot of men, it's a been a while. Loneliness and isolation is an epidemic in the western world in general, but especially among men. When men open up about the reasons they live in isolation, you find that it is often a fear of closeness and a fear of being hurt that keeps men from reaching out. "Keep people at a safe distance" is definitely a big Man Rule.

Suicide amongst men is at an all-time high. Something is killing men--and it's called loneliness. Not the ABC afterschool special kind of loneliness, but the visceral loneliness of feeling completely separate and unable to share your true self and life struggles openly and honestly with anyone.

The Man Rules are pretty specific about what not to do when trying to befriend other men. Not only are many of those rules rooted in homophobia, but they also often prevent men from going beyond small talk and fart jokes in order to develop deeper, more intimate connections. (Not that there's anything wrong with fart jokes, of course.)

In another candid and vulnerable episode, the Deep Dive Guys--Dan, Michael Dinneen, and Cody Gardner--are back to talk about their own struggles in maintaining friendships and to share strategies for developing strong and supportive connections with other men.

Connor Beaton has gone from construction worker to opera singer to guy who lived in his car. Like many of us, he made some bad choices and ruined multiple friendships and relationships. When his despair finally reached a point where he was willing to open up about it with a few of his closest friends, he saw, to his surprise, how his openness and vulnerability allowed them to be vulnerable as well. This made him want to begin to take a deeper look into psychology and the ways that men can form deep friendships and cultivate self-awareness.

In this episode, He and Dan talk about the ways that men can unpack their fantasies--whether they involve sex, money, fame, power, or all of the above--to find out who they really are and who they want to be. They also discuss all the reasons you need to become aware of and make peace with your shadow side, and how to ask the kinds of questions of yourself that will help you have a real and lasting impact on your work, on your love life, and on the world.

If you were a social anthropologist and you wanted to understand the norms and values of some ancient society, you’d likely take a look at their cultural artifacts. You’d closely examine their writings, paintings, sculptures, etc., to look for clues regarding how people within a certain culture were expected to behave and interact with the people around them.

1000 years from now, when anthropologists somehow get their hands on our TV shows, they’re going to learn a thing or two about how men were supposed to behave in our society if they wanted to be respected or admired: Save the day, always have a witty comeback handy, be aloof - or a doof - in your relationships, and get the girl. Any girl. Actually, all the girls. And only girls, of course. As many as possible (and pretty much all of them are possible because you are the guy no girl can— or should— resist.)

Hopefully, the writings of researcher and therapist Dr. Andrew Smiler will survive until that day, so that future scholarly types can get a fuller picture of our off-screen reality, which is that most men are not promiscuous, most men do value intimacy and relationships, and most men, in fact, are not “most men.” He and Dan share some concrete strategies on how to show up as the man you want to be, not necessarily the man advertised on TV.

Girls who grow up with fathers who are angry, dismissive, and/or emotionally absent will grow up to be women who take a lot of shit from men. (Generally speaking, of course.) This well-evidenced assumption can be a source of tremendous anxiety for fathers who are raising young women. Rare, indeed, is the father who couldn’t care less about his child’s future. But, unfortunately, rare indeed is also the father who had healthy, egalitarian hetereosexual relationships modeled for him as a child. And rarer still is the father who has a support system of other Dads who can mentor him and support him as he tries to navigate this strange and unfamiliar new territory.

In this episode, two-thirds of the Deep Dive Guys — Dan and Tim — talk with special guest Cody Gardener about the art and science of raising girls. All are fathers of girls ranging from age 10 to 18 months, and all have had their fair share of doubts, struggles, and fears. If ever the phrase, “it’s not about doing it perfectly, it’s about doing it consciously” applies, it’s here. The guys show us that men who can own the fact that they’ve made mistakes and try to repair the damage can have a tremendously positive impact on their daughter’s growth and well-being.

When you were a young boy, you were probably very comfortable expressing grief over your losses. When the wheel fell off your favorite choo-choo train, you cried. When you lost your beloved binkie, you cried. If you had a pet that mysteriously disappeared one day, you cried and cried and cried.

All of that crying was helping you to process loss in a way that was meant to bring you wisdom about the bittersweet realities of the world around you. Those emotions were meant to help you build emotional resilience. At some point in your boyhood however, you likely stopped crying -- you weren't a girl or a baby after all -- and anesthetized yourself to all of the feelings of disappointment and sorrow that went along with it. You didn't make this up. It wasn't really a choice. You got the message from so many sources that said this, in one way or another: Big boys don't cry.  

Rick Belden talks about how this process impeded your maturation and your ability to fully embrace your own humanity. In this episode, he and Dan talk about ways you can finally start to process grief and discover a kind of strength you never knew you had. They ask us to consider the idea that, maybe after everything we've been through, the real truth is that real men do feel grief and sadness. Real Men, in fact, do cry.

GREAT NEWS: Rick is offering a 10 percent discount on enrollment in one of his coaching programs for men for The Man Rules podcast listeners. Sign up at RickBeldenCoaching.com.

Are we entering into a new age of sexual anxiety? Research shows that younger generations are having less sex these days than you’d think, given the proliferation of internet porn, location-based “dating” sites, and sexting. Instead of making people feel more uninhibited in expressing their sexuality, easy, 24-7, access to sexually explicit material may actually be making us all feel more self-conscious, uncomfortable, and afraid.

In this episode, therapist and sex researcher Alexandra Katehakis, Ph.D,  talks with Dan about the ways in which men can begin to connect to their real sexual needs and desires through honesty and vulnerability. You’ll learn why sex has meaning beyond orgasm and procreation for human beings— yes, even for men! — how to listen to what your porn use is trying to tell you, and how to think of sex, even when it’s scary to do so, as an opportunity to gain personal insight and deeper connection with your partner(s).  

Man Rule #1: Real men have as much sex as possible, whenever possible, with as many hot and different chicks as possible, with as big of a dick as possible.

So, if you are a man, and find yourself craving intimacy, feeling attached to one of the women you have sex with, not interested in women, feeling afraid or confused about sex or your sexuality due to past trauma, and/or feeling insecure about your body— SEE MAN RULE #1.

For better or worse, sex is often central to men’s perceptions of themselves and to their experiences as men. Recently, at The Center for Healthy Sex in Los Angeles, Dan presented his humorous and insightful take on the ways in which this rule is enforced in our society, and the ways in which it hinders men’s relationships and their mental health. He also shares the surprising ways in which shame and fear lead men to constantly— and unconsciously — seek emotional safety through this cardinal Man Rule.

Level 1 of recovery is the struggle to gain sobriety from the substance or behavior that has taken control of your life. Level 2 of recovery is the struggle to gain real emotional maturity and balance by gaining humility in our relationship to ourselves, our relationship to others, and our relationship to a higher power or greater purpose.

Wow. For most of us, that’s a pretty steep climb. And you sure don't have to be in recovery in order to benefit from that message, because really, it's every human’s journey.

Luckily, Dr. Allen Berger is back to be our emotional mountaineer and guide us along the path to a higher level of consciousness and a higher level of fully functional adulthood. He and Dan discuss the magic that can happen when we stop trying to control everything, and stop expecting the world and everyone in it to conform to our expectations.

(If you want to hear more of these two guys keeping it real, check out Episode 2.)