The Man Rules

In 2016, the word “adulting” was officially introduced in our lexicon when it became a top contender for Oxford Dictionaries Word of The Year. “Adulting” is defined as “the practice of behaving in a way characteristic of a responsible adult, especially the accomplishment of mundane but necessary tasks.” You typically see the word “adulting” used within the context of its tendency to suck.

Thankfully, Jason Kotecki is here to save us from getting too sucked into the suckage of adulting. In this episode of The Man Rules, he suggests that instead of putting away all of our childhood things, we hang on the creativity, curiosity, and openness that makes childhood such a special and significant stage in our lives. Jason and host Dan Griffin talk about how to take your responsibilities seriously without taking yourself too seriously, the important differences between being childlike and childish, and how being an adult can mean learning how to play your own game.

Imagine your life without porn.

No, really. Try.

What do you think would happen if you did turn off the porn for a while? Would you start to think more about the role that sex plays in your life? Would you learn more about yourself and your sexuality by spending more time exploring your own body and your partner’s (or partners’)? Would you start to question whether your sex life has really been enhanced by porn? Would you start to wonder if porn had left you feeling alienated from others and from yourself?

If you hadn’t wondered about any of this before, we can guarantee that you will after listening to this episode. Dan and Dr. Robert Jensen, author and professor at The University of Texas, have a very frank and challenging conversation about pornography and its role in reinforcing patriarchal power dynamics, which contend that all human relationships must be structured around domination and subordination. Dr. Jensen argues for a future in which both men and women can break free from these destructive patterns in their lives and relationships.

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When you were growing up, did you feel like your mother was there to help meet your needs or did you feel like you were there to meet hers? (After all, it can't be a coincidence that the word “smother” has “mother” all over it. ) The way you answer this question probably says a lot about your current relationships with women, be they your spouse, partner, daughter, sister, friend, co-worker, or boss.

Author and poet Rick Belden--who previously talked with Dan about The Father Wound on Episode 014--is back to talk about The Mother Wound, one of the most profound and often overlooked issues that impacts men’s mental health and relationships. Many men feel naturally protective of their mothers, which can make addressing her shortcomings feel like a betrayal. Rick and Dan share some helpful tips on how men can safely begin to unpack the baggage left behind by their mothers, find peace in their relationships with their mothers, learn how to separate their own needs from those of the women in their lives, and start to build more peaceful, intimate, and rewarding relationships with women.

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Many men live day in and day out hurting in ways they can’t explain. As a result, they sometimes react with anger, hostility and even violence to the people they are closest to, without really understanding why. They love their partners and their children. They don’t want them to feel belittled, scared, or disconnected from them, but their behavior is causing just that. They never pictured themselves turning into the kind of guy who _____________, and yet…

If you can identify with any of this, you need to get some help. And, on Episode 18 of The Man Rules podcast, Dan explains all the reasons why. You might think that it’s all your fault and that you’re just rotten to the core, and that nothing can be done about it. But,  that’s not true. While you might never be “fixed” completely, you can get better. It’s a long ass journey, but it’s one worth taking.

Men today tend to have much different expectations for themselves as fathers than previous generations did. Gone, for the most part, are the days where a man could simply put food on the table and feel that he was successfully fulfilling his duties as a Dad. Today, men often find themselves struggling to strike a healthy balance between work obligations, marriage obligations, child care obligations, and extended family obligations, which often include caring for aging parents.

In this episode, Dan, Tim  Walsh, and Michael Dinneen (a.k.a. The Deep Dive guys) get together again to share some of their greatest joys and deepest sorrows around their relationships with their fathers and their own experiences as fathers themselves. All of the emotional strain of being pulled in so many different directions has definitely been taking its toll on the guys lately--you can hear it in their voices as they tell their stories. By the end, though, it’s plain to see how powerful and transformative support systems can be for men when they are free to be open, honest, and vulnerable about their wishes, hopes, and fears.

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When jazz musicians play in broken time, they improvise their own rhythms where the beat is not explicitly laid out for them. In his latest, soon-to-be-released book, jazz pianist and author Tim Clausen captures the stories of gay men from all walks of life, who have often had to improvise their own melodies over the unpredictable rhythms of their relationships with their fathers. In this episode, Tim and Dan talk about the vast range of father-son experiences detailed throughout his book, from fathers who were mostly or completely absent to exemplary dads who are unconditionally loving, accepting, and supportive, to fathers who were violent alcoholics, to those who disowned their son once his sexual orientation came to light. They also talk a little about Tim’s previous book, Love Together, which tells the stories of gay men in long-term relationships.

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When filmmaker Dana Glazer’s first child was born, he felt absolutely elated about being a Dad. But, when he chose to prioritize fatherhood over his career, he began to feel conflicted. Though he found the time he spent caring for his son to be amazing and deeply fulfilling, he wondered if there was something wrong with him. Wasn’t he supposed to want more? What did it mean that he'd rather help his kids climb monkey bars than climb the corporate ladder? He began to feel worthless, isolated, and confused. A friend suggested that he make a documentary about his experiences navigating the somewhat unknown territory of fatherhood in the 21st century. The resulting film, The Evolution of Dad, is now used in hundreds of college and university courses and was screened during a Working Dads Summit at The White House in 2014.

In the episode, Dana and Dan talk about the undeniable significance of the father’s role in a child’s life, ways in which our society can do a better job supporting Dads, and ways to balance the often dark and negative portrayals of fathers we see in the media with more nuanced and positive ones.

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Your father did the best he could. But, what if his best wasn’t good enough? What if his best still left you ashamed, angry, and grieving, years and years after you stopped living under his roof? What if he was a “good man” who failed your terribly? Do you allow yourself to acknowledge that pain and frustration? If you don’t, it’s likely that the unhealed wounds from your relationship with your father are continuing to play out in your relationships and friendships to this day. Many of us find that the only way out of those dysfunctional patterns is through the pain you felt as a child. Once you do that, you begin to see your father in a whole new light and find freedom from your past.

Dan and author Rick Belden talk about the father wound as a series of complex, emotional injuries to a child’s psyche over many years. Along the way, they share some of the insights they’ve gained in the process of forgiving their less-than-nurturing fathers, and offer some practical tips for beginning the process of facing and overcoming the pain.

Our grandfathers knew exactly what was expected of them in their roles as fathers: go to work, put food on the table, step in and provide discipline when the kids are especially unruly. But, today, the expectations for Dads are much more negotiable. Our culture at large still hasn’t quite made up its mind about whether it is best for Dads to be more traditionally masculine, or if they should be working toward a more balanced and flexible approach to fatherhood. On the plus side, this means that men get to decide for themselves what kinds of fathers they will be. On the minus side, having to make choices that will have a significant impact on who our children ultimately become can bring on a lot of uncertainty, fear, and anxiety.

In this episode, Dan and author Jeremy Adam Smith encourage fathers to do some soul-searching, decide what their goals are at every stage of their children’s lives, and make conscious and intentional decisions that will help them be the kind of fathers their kids need them to be. They also discuss the particular challenges of parenting adolescents and of being a stepfather, and explain how men can work to improve their listening skills, compassion, and communication.

Jeremy is the author of two books, The Daddy Shift, and Rad Dad. He is also the Executive Editor of Greater Good Magazine.

One of the cardinal Man Rules is, “Don’t be weak.” A real man is never defenseless. A real man is never vulnerable to the aggression, abuse, or misconduct of anyone. If he is threatened by someone—even if that someone is much older than him, much bigger than him, and has the role of power and authority over him—he never submits. He is either strong enough to kick the guy’s ass or he is smart enough to escape. If he didn’t manage to do either of THOSE things and wound up being a victim of abuse? Well… That’s just what happens when you aren’t man enough to defend yourself.

Sadly, this way of thinking about male survivors of abuse is quite common, even if the victim is a child who faced a much older abuser. As a survivor of childhood sexual, physical, and emotional abuse himself, Randy Boyd knows this all too well. He now dedicates much of his time traveling the country, educating people on the realities of men’s experiences with childhood abuse, and offering a message of hope and healing to survivors. He and Dan talk about the unfortunate legacies of childhood abuse for men, which often include addiction, massive disconnection, anger, and violence and why many men don't even realize that their past abuse is often connected to their current troubles. They also offer some ways forward for men currently struggling with the impact of abuse on their relationships and day-to-day lives. 

You can support Randy in his efforts to bring awareness and greater sensitivity to male sexual abuse by supporting The Ride Across America to Stomp Out Shame, a cross-country bike ride set to begin on Father’s Day (June 18, 2017.) Go to www.courageoushealers.org to make a donation, or to schedule Randy for a speaking engagement in your city or town.