The Man Rules

People in recovery speak a language that makes a lot of us uncomfortable. In a culture where we’re told repeatedly to put only our best foot forward and treat emotion like it’s an inconvenience that only serves to get in the way of maximum productivity and efficiency, all of the earnest talk about self-love and Higher Powers and connection can seem downright weird. Unfortunately, this perception scares many people who need recovery away from the very things that could help them for far too long.

In this episode, Dan, Tim Walsh and Michael Dinneen join forces once again to talk about why the opposite of addiction is connection, why recovery culture is nothing to fear, and how everyone--whether they are in recovery or not--can experience more joy, openness, and freedom.

In the absence of an answer as to the true cause of the illness, we often invent one. (See Episode 27 with Dr. Kevin McCauley for more on this.) Throughout human history, people have sought to explain illnesses through an individual’s moral or spiritual failings. To this day, we say, “Bless you,” when someone sneezes, which some historians believe is a holdover from medieval times when people believed that the sneeze expelled a demonic spirit from your body.

In recent years, AIDS, obesity-related illnesses, and addictive disorders have all been subject to moral and spiritual reasoning, often to the detriment of those who need help and support in order to recover. Thanks to the efforts of thousands of those who lived with HIV and AIDS, much progress has been made in both the stigma and treatment of that disease. Addiction, however, still has a long way to go. And, yet, as we have stated throughout this month, addictive disorders are our country's number one public health issue. Period. If our country put half the amount of money and resources into healing addictive disorders and sharing the message of recovery that we do in advertising for alcohol and prescription opiates and constantly turning the spotlight on the devastation of addiction, our society would look completely different.

Changing faulty cultural perceptions of heavily stigmatized diseases like addictive disorders takes a village. It requires those who struggle with the illness to tell their stories, and set off a chain reaction of changes in public attitudes, state and local policies, research funding, prevention efforts and recovery support efforts.

In this episode, Dan talks to recovery advocates and activists Michael King and Patty McCarthy Metcalf on what we can do to turn the tide on our age old addiction epidemic in this country, and help our neighbors who struggle with addictive disorders to get back on the path of living healthy, productive, (and tax paying) lives.

The day that a child raised in addiction finally becomes an adult and sets out into the world on their own, is the day they finally feel free. Free from the chaos and the pressure and the terror that comes with growing up in a place where you never quite felt safe. Many Adult Children of Addiction (ACoAs) even gain tremendous strengths from growing up in such adverse circumstances and become extremely successful in many aspects of their lives.

There is a powerful line from the amazing movie Magnolia: “You may be through with the past, but the past isn't through with you.” Unfortunately, most ACAs, even those who are high-achievers, at some point in their lives find that they were not, in fact, able to leave all of their pain behind them when they walked out the door.

Particularly, once they begin forming intimate relationships and starting families of their own, they find themselves struggling in ways they don’t quite understand. They blow up at their kids, they wall themselves off from their partners, they have unhealthy conflicts with friends, coworkers or neighbors. They never drink a drop of alcohol or use another drug, and yet it feels like they are suddenly turning into their parents - they are slowly becoming that which they promised they would never become. What the hell is going on?

In this episode, Dr. Tian Dayton explains what’s going on and gives a ton of poignant and life-affirming advice on how to make peace with your past so you can experience peace in the present.

If you saw that someone you loved was on fire, running wildly down the street, you’d probably chase after them with a bucket of water. But, if you suspected that same loved one was struggling with an addictive disorder, you might be reluctant to intervene. “It’s none of my business,” or “They’ll have to hit rock bottom before they’re ready to get help” you might say. Or— let's be honest, because it happens a lot— the person just pisses you off and alienates you, which makes helping them one of the last things you want to do. There can be a lot of mixed emotions.

But, given the extreme dangers of today’s alcohol and other drug epidemic, you cannot afford to just do nothing. Addiction impacts not just the addicted person, but every one in his or her life. You will not be left unscathed. Nobody in this country is left unscathed by addiction. We cannot emphasize that point enough. It's the greatest social issue facing our country right now - and it exacerbates so many more of the other ones like divorce, violence, mental health, and homelessness.

So, once you’ve decided you want to help, what do you do? It’s not as though people who are in the throes of addiction are easy to reason with. You’re going to want to educate yourself about the disease, and seek the advice and support of professionals.

In this episode, David and Dan talk about where to find help and how to avoid the dangerous pitfalls of today’s addiction treatment landscape. It’s a must-listen for anyone who is weighing the difficult decisions that often come before taking that crucial first step toward hope and healing.

Addiction means that you can’t stop; but, some people eventually can. Addiction is a medical condition; but, it’s also a spiritual condition. Addiction is caused by societal and psychological factors and not by the drugs; but, sometimes it is caused by the drugs.

Some people use every drug there is, and nothing happens. They can walk away. So why can’t those others? Are they just bad, selfish people who lack morals and values? Or, are they people struggling with a chronic illness?

Clear as mud.

With addiction currently affecting the lives of 23.5 million Americans— not counting the friends and family of those addicted, who are also deeply affected by the disease— how can we have so little clarity about what addiction actually is or how to “cure” it?

In this episode, Dr. Kevin McCauley, a former Naval flight surgeon who is himself in recovery from opioid addiction, explains how something as fundamental as human choice can become part of a disease process. In a refreshingly down-to-earth way, he explains how our brains respond to the most enticing of human phenomena, pleasurable experiences, and how the system that creates those experiences can break, leading to addiction— Sometimes. Hey addiction! Seriously, WTF!

They’re sexy, they’re interesting, and they ignore you. Obviously, they’re your type.

Your intense attraction to this person must be love. So, you enter into a relationship. Soon, your dream lover morphs into a bit of a nightmare. They’re a bottomless pit of need-- full of unreasonable expectations, vicious insults, and insane demands. Your own needs and wishes don’t seem to matter to this person at all… So, you leave, right?

Well… Not, if you suffer from what psychologist Ross Rosenberg calls “self-love deficiency disorder.” Men struggling with it tend to be attracted to narcissists like moths to flame. They stay in relationships with narcissists, no matter how poorly they’re treated, because of an inability to recognize their own inherent worthiness. They feel, subconsciously, that they have to constantly prove that they are worthy of love by sacrificing their own needs and desires for the love of someone else.  

But, wait. Isn’t this whole self-sacrifice-in-the-name-of-love thing kind of… girly? Aren’t most men egomaniacs? How can they suffer from a lack of self-love? Dan and Ross explain all of that and more, and offer up some great resources for men who find themselves trapped in the endless cycle of pathological care-giving, addiction, and shame.

Reality can be a real buzzkill. While it’s true that most people can drink alcohol, use prescription pain killers, and even experiment with recreational drugs without becoming addicted, it’s also true that one in seven people in the United States will develop a substance use disorder.

If you’re one of the lucky six out of seven, most of the stories you’ve heard about addiction are probably tragic. Advocacy organizations and government agencies often gather up their sobering statistics, like the one we shared above, and toss them out to the news media, with the hope that spreading the word about the dangers of the disease might help prevent more people from succumbing to addiction, and might garner more support for research and treatment from the general public. These are worthy goals, the pain and tragedy of addiction is real, and those stories need to be told— But, it’s only one side of the story.

In honor of National Recovery Month, we’ll be exploring the other side of the story. There are millions of people, like Dan, for whom recovery from addiction is an everyday part of life. They are people who have been able to free themselves from what once seemed a very hopeless situation. People who have helped restore their families by clearing a path to healing. People who are making larger contributions to their communities.

Everyone knows someone who suffers from a substance use disorder. And, chances are, if you are not in recovery yourself, you know someone who is. Even if you feel pretty certain that you don’t know anyone in recovery— trust us—you probably do. (Those 12-step programs all have the word “Anonymous” in their names for a reason.) That is what we are celebrating this month.

When you start to consider how many addicted people have found a way to beat the odds and live happy, full, productive, and joyful lives in spite of their struggles, the story of addiction becomes one of triumph rather than tragedy.

To help us celebrate National Recovery Month, go to Dan’s Facebook page and share your own story of recovery, if you have one. Let people who are currently in the throes of their addictions know that there is hope. Recovery is a reality for millions in our country and we want to make sure that reality outshines our society’s seeming obsession with addiction and the often sad truth of its destruction. For this month, let’s make the celebration of recovery the loudest message and let it ring throughout the rest of the year.

“All the world’s a stage,”  and every writer (and/or podcast producer) makes a promise to trot out this tired old Shakespearian cliché every time we’re describing an entertainer who has something to teach us about life. It’s one of our signature moves.

And so it is with Jason Hewlett, a man whose incredible facial acrobatics, spot-on impressions, and commitment to his own personal integrity breathe new life into the most overused of metaphors. In this episode, Jason explains how “The Promise” that you make to yourself has to be like the promise that the best entertainers make to their audiences: 1. That they will commit 100 percent to their craft each time they get up on a stage, and 2. That they will openly and fearlessly share their talents and “signature moves” for the enjoyment and benefit of others.

Jason and Dan also talk about the price of going after fame, fortune, and material success, and what it takes to walk away from it.

Folks, do you like a good bargain? Then you’re going to LOVE the deal we’re offering to you, and only you, our best listeners, on this episode of The Man Rules podcast! If you listen now, you’ll get to hear not one, not two, but THREE incredible men share their fears, shame, and personal insights about money. That’s three for the price of one!

Act now and you’ll also receive:

• The guys’ thoughts on The Man Rule that requires men to be the primary financial provider for his family,
• A discussion of the shame many men feel when their wife or female partner makes more money than them, and
• The guys’ best tips on how to free yourself from a scarcity mindset and status anxiety.

All of which are guaranteed -- well, almost guaranteed -- to help you understand the true meaning of value and abundance and improve your relationship with money.

Times are changing. Especially in terms of our society’s attitudes about traditional gender roles. For some, times can’t change fast enough. They are eager for a time when we’ll finally be free from the personal and professional limitations that result from gender stereotypes. But for others, these changes seem to signal the collapse of society as they know it. They strongly feel that following The Man Rules and The Woman Rules guarantees them a certain amount of reward, stability, and whether they know it or not - safety.  

Unfortunately for the latter group, time marches on and takes its outdated ideas about masculinity and femininity along with it. And, according to author and diversity expert Jack Myers, Gen-Z is leading the charge. On this episode of the podcast he and Dan talk about generational shifts in attitudes toward gender norms and relationships, educational and professional realities for Gen-Z and Millennial men, how young men are (and are not) being supported in their growth and ambition, the impact of media on our perceptions of men and masculinity, and much more.