The Neurodivergent Professor

The fourth of July makes me ashamed.

I’m ashamed of myself because I can’t seem to match the patriotism that surrounds me. In the USA, people get almost spiritual about their fireworks, hot dogs, and freedom worship. Behind all of this, for me, is a whole lot of weirdness.

The whole Independence thing is fine. We fled a plutocratic government to have the ‘freedom’ to worship any god we wanted only to find ourselves in a similarly autocratic system with exceptionally narrow-minded tolerance of ‘others’. What the actual f%^k is up with that?

I’m also ashamed of my country. How can we celebrate such a thing? Beyond the obvious hypocrisy, of course, is the genocide. How are Americans always so blind to the cost of things? Coupled together I end up feeling a whole lotta cognitive dissonance around July 4.

One of these things is not like the other.

Outsider.

Stranger in a strange land.

It’s a common theme I’m sure you can relate to in some way. Maybe not about the fourth, but there must be some situation in your life where you just don’t get what’s going on with everyone else.

For me, that is surrounding the concept of freedom. How can everyone else get this so wrong? (from my perspective)

To me, freedom is the capacity to choose our reaction to any situation we encounter. In a Buddhist, Taoist, or Viktor Frankl kind of way. To be able to understand that I am not a victim of my situation. To have the peace of mind to pause when we encounter an uncomfortable situation. And to remember that this, too, shall pass. And that we cannot control our environment or what happens to us, but we can control our reaction to it.

How can freedom be anything else?

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I used to own a brewery. In our rural location and with our small customer pool, we struggled to be profitable. 

My partners and I disagreed about how to best approach profitability. One had an MBA and swore by the neo-capitalist, Econ 101 approach to maximizing revenues. Following this popular approach, we were unable to generate returns on the money we threw at advertising, marketing, and solicitation.

Though I was the introverted partner, I eventually mustered the courage to try my own approach to breaking even. I guess I finally got sick of being on yet another sinking ship. Instead of following some scripted approach to capitalism, I did what made sense to me.

I figured there were two basic elements to business: revenues and expenses. As we were throwing money away trying to increase our revenues, I started to examine the expenses column.

In short, over a period of just a few months, I was able to decrease our monthly spending from about $50k to $15k. And guess what? A big chunk of that difference was profit. 

In short, I helped us grow smaller.

Of course, my partners couldn’t process what I had done. They also couldn’t let go of their attachment to ‘traditional’ economics. The business continued to spend money that would never generate a return. 

Luckily, this impasse facilitated my exit from the partnership. And from the mountain of debt. 

Oh well, I tried.

More importantly, I learned something.

As I look around the globe I see partnerships very similar to my brewery experience. Everywhere folks are throwing money at maximizing profits, believing there will be more coming in than going out.

Even in our household budgets. The literal ‘home’ implied by the prefix ‘eco’. Many of us struggle to keep the expenses column shorter than the revenue. And though it sounds simple to do, it is surely not easy.

I remain convinced, however, that growing smaller is an approachable solution to many individual, family, and business problems we face today. 

Stop obsessing over the expenses column. You really can’t control it. 

Kind of like how you can control how you react to things but not to other people’s reactions. 

A long hard look at expenses can reveal the difference between wants and needs. I think all of us could decrease what we spend. And simplify our lives.

I hope you enjoy this episode. Thanks for reading, listening, or watching.

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This episode is inspired by the idea that the USA has the world's most expensive yet least h care. At least this has been the type of conclusion drawn from many analyses that compare things like GDP, cost of health care, and individual health. The idea is that we have come a long way, but we don’t necessarily have a lot to show for it.

Or, maybe it’s about making all of this so-called ‘progress’, yet having a lot of co-occurring problems.

Yes, we have lower infant mortality. We were living longer for a while (yet now at least U.S. life expectancy is going down). We have more ‘stuff’ (but is that a good thing?). Many people claim we are ‘better off’ than we were in the past. But is that accurate?

Here are a few things we have improved upon:

 — We stopped polluting with DDT and the bald eagles came back.

 — The hole in the ozone layer seems to have disappeared (or at least the media isn’t talking about it being deadly any longer).

 — Surgeons wash their hands before digging around in our bodies so fewer of us die from bacterial infections.

 — Many diseases have disappeared or nearly so.

 —We have medicine to extend our lives (but see above).

But what about the bad things? The downfall? 

What is the COST of all of this progress? I really don’t even want to list these things but how about three:

 — Water scarcity and flooding. Too much or not enough water globally.

 — Air, water, and land pollution. We are drowning in our own filth.

 — Income inequality.

I could go on but I don’t want to focus on the immensity of the problems. Let’s just say I believe we have more ‘problems’ in the world today than we ever have. And I think you could adjust this for the population increase and compare today to any other point in human history. 

All of our ‘progress’ has had a terrible cost. Yet, for some reason, we EXCUSE the costs because . . . ummm. I guess we feel so strongly about all the ‘progress’?

The past 50 years have been fairly good to many (white people) global citizens. But the price of that ‘progress’ is millions of years of fossil sunlight that was burned through in a FRACTION of the time required to replenish it. 

In other words, we have spent nearly ALL of the fossil fuels on this tiny period of ‘progress’. 

Progress, I argue, is not even close to being a ‘good value’ in terms of the number of ‘progress items’ compared to the amount of resources required to build them.

Do you see what I mean? We spent nearly ALL our inheritance in less than 50 years. Though we gained some very important and valuable things, I think we created more problems than we had to begin with.

The next challenge, if we choose to accept it, is to acknowledge this terrible deal and abandon the ways and means that allow us to get into the mess in the first place. 

And it ain’t gonna be easy. We are going to have to make massive sacrifices. To start over. To RETHINK all of it. From what we value to how we measure it to how we interact with one another. 

Or, we can double and triple down and ride it out. Personally, I’d rather admit I have a problem and try to get ahead of it. 

Next week I’ll suggest a few things that I, and others, think we can do to get ahead.

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If I’ve said it once by now, I’ve said it a thousand times:

In other words, our communication sucks. 

We often hear something other than the other person’s intent.

And how often have you had a conversation and then have to have the same one AGAIN because the person thought you meant something else?

And, if you think about it, given the complexity of communication beyond simple language, why SHOULD we understand each other?

Hell, most of the time we don’t even understand OURSELVES, much less be able to explain it to someone else.

Communication is hard.

And my therapist recently introduced me to a psychologist named Marshall Rosenberg and his ‘nonviolent communication’. In this video, I introduce his way of talking to each other which makes so much sense.

SO MUCH SENSE. In fact, I kind of feel like I have fallen all the way back to square one in my personal growth. It turns out I really don’t even understand my own feelings.

Nonviolent communication consists of 4 basic parts:

 — Observing instead of evaluating. What is going on?

 — Identifying the emotion we are feeling.

 — Identifying the basic need underneath that feeling that isn’t being met.

 — Making a request of the other person.

This simple process is so far from easy. It’s a lot of work. Just getting past the first two steps is nearly impossible. 

Listen to this episode, check out Dr. Rosenberg’s YouTube videos and/or books, and see how much you don’t know about yourself.

I am amazed at how much I don’t know. But excited to learn!!

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Knowing yourself is an important part of being a complete human. Maybe this is just my opinion based on my own values, but it seems to be a theme. Throughout history there have been thinkers proclaiming the importance of knowing oneself.

To justify this conclusion we can look at the opposite side of the coin. 

What is NOT knowing yourself like? 

To me, not knowing yourself leads to lots of misbehaviors. Breaking societal norms (which arguable can be a good thing), committing crimes and not obeying laws, or just being an asshole. I think of 'bad' human behaviors as being associated with people to are clueless. Who lack self-awareness. Who don't know themselves.

Because why would anyone do the wrong thing if they know they are doing the wrong thing? Out of desperation, probably. I understand that a starving person would steal bread. I don't get why someone would commit hate crimes against outgroups. I assume that is, at least in part, a result of being clueless.

Anyway, this Episode is about knowing yourself. And I think to know ourselves we have to examine our choices. Especially the choices we didn't know we were making. 

As kids, we learned a lot of stuff. How to use a toilet. How to walk and talk. Hopefully, to be kind to people. This type of cultural conditioning and learning is important to a 'good' society. 

We also learned about religion, history, and politics. 

These subconscious and non-consensual teachings can become part of us. And I think it is a critical part of being human to become aware of what we chose and what we did not choose.

For example, some people believe in a Christian God who says being homosexual is wrong and punishable by being sent to hell. I wonder how many of these folks have ever really explored that belief. Taken it apart and thought about where it came from and what it actually means. I think much of this was non-consensual.

And so it's important to take a personal inventory of what and why you believe what you do. This is a critical first step toward deconstructing and knowing yourself.

So Radical Acceptance is an interesting topic that follows from deciding to know yourself. Once you decide who you are and what you believe, you need to accept it. Of course, you are a dynamic individual who will change and grow, but you can monitor these changes and modify if necessary. 

Accepting yourself AS YOU ARE, after you inventory and re-decide your beliefs, is one of the keys to personal growth.

Once you question your beliefs you create dissonance. Between the person you ARE and the person you WERE (or felt you 'should be'). Because these disagreements can be polarizing and confusing, you must ACCEPT and KNOW yourself so you can remember the difference.

Old beliefs are so strong they will pull at you and try to convince you to come back. This ain't easy.

Radical acceptance helps you remember yourself. And love who you are.

Remember you are ok.

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If you listened to (or watched) KEW Episode 15 about the Rat Race, you’ll know my feelings on jobs. And consumerism. And keeping up with the Joneses.

I think most human problems stem from our relationship with money. And possessions. And ownership. 

Many smart people will say that this mess all started when the first (fat, white, male) humans decided they could own land. Prior to that, it never occurred to indigenous peoples that a human could claim ownership over anything except themselves. 

I’m not trying to paint a picture of our ancestors as being perfect human beings, but we might need to reconsider some of the ‘advances’ we’ve made in the not-too-distant past.

 — Inequality is a huge barrier to peace.

 — Money doesn’t buy happiness.

 — All work and no play make Jack a dull boy (or Jane or any part of the gender continuum).

Of course, the biggest challenge to me is that we can’t just bail on the whole system.

Though I did know people in college who were trying to live without money — outside the consumer society. I suppose that is possible.

But I’m searching — and a huge part of KEW is this search — for a DIFFERENT WAY TO LIVE. One that is ‘fairer’. More equanimous. 

 — More balanced

 — Less abusive

 — Less wasteful

More. . . . . .

 — Sensible

I’m not sure what that is, yet, but I’m not going to stop. 

I’d love to hear your thoughts. 

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I spent most of my pre-teen and teenage years terrified of people. I was very shy. I stayed at home on Friday and Saturday nights while I was in high school.

And don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed my time. I played a lot of video games on my Commodore 64 computer. I learned to play guitar. I read cool books like the Carlos Castaneda series. I enjoyed my life.

But I didn’t interact with people a lot because it made me uncomfortable. This is where I learned about the ‘comfort zone’.

Later in life, I would have to face a terrible fear of public speaking and learn to teach college courses. It wasn’t easy, but I learned to love being in front of people. During the process, I became distinctly aware of the concept of a ‘comfort zone’.

I now see human discomfort as a sign. It is a signal that we are up against the unfamiliar. When we experience new things, we interpret the tingly, activated sensations as fear. It can also be seen as excitement. It’s hard to tell the difference. But when we feel afraid, we often retreat.

So the comfort zone is the edge of your familiarity with the world. And as you approach it, it lets you know by making you feel afraid.

The secret to moving forward, to human growth, to learning, and maturing . . . is to keep going anyway, despite the discomfort.

Going outside your comfort zone will make you uncomfortable, but doing so can also bring the greatest of life’s rewards.

To face your fears is brave. To be afraid but move forward anyway, is bravery. That’s what this week’s episode is about.

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While I don’t want to perpetuate the ‘capitalism sucks’ argument, I want to spend some time on degrowth.

Pretty funny that the spell checkers keep correcting ‘degrowth’ to ‘regrowth’. See? This idea is manifested in everything.

Because of capitalism, humans have become obsessed with growth. Mostly in the financial sense.

The way our global economy is set up, growth is an essential requirement. Maybe THE MOST essential requirement.

When we create money we create debt. The debt is the growth. If a bank prints $100, they charge you $105 and have thus created both debt and new money. The problem is, this kicks the can down the road infinitely.

And infinity is something we can’t really grasp. And the problem is, we still OWE the debt and can be called on it at any time. In effect, infinity does not really exist. Otherwise, we could postpone it, well, infinitely.

And maybe we can, but there are no examples of this happening in nature. Which causes me concern.

If you listened to or watched any of my ‘Acid Test’ episodes, you’ll know that I am fairly obsessed with looking to nature to help us answer questions. In this case, we looked AWAY from nature.

The only example I can think of in nature where growth can be seemingly infinite is CANCER. And I’m fairly certain we can all agree that is a bad thing.

So our economy, in essence, is unnatural. Growth for growth’s sake, or any system requiring near-infinite growth does not agree with anything nature has ever accomplished nor tried to.

It ain’t right.

So the concept of degrowth was introduced in the past 50 years to suggest an alternative. And the problem is, no one wants to give up their stuff.

And the crazy thing?

The only reason we came to love that stuff is because we have been brainwashed that growth is essential. We HAVE to buy more stuff to ‘keep the economy going’.

Enjoy, listen, watch, and share. Thanks.

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Divorce taught me that I had been very codependent in my first marriage. Many would argue that my ex-wife was narcissistic. As KEW readers and listeners know, I don't like either of those words but I think they describe some very human attributes.

Some people are very confident and others are not so much. The extreme ends of this continuum result in things like narcissism and codependency. 

I have a whole episode about this dynamic:

https://chrisburcher.com/2021/01/01/kew-episode-36-narcissism-codependency/

But what those very human traits or characteristics really represent is a dichotomy of self-awareness and fear.

Extremely (and often unjustifiably) confident people can easily become narcissistic. Please see this episode for more about that:

https://chrisburcher.com/2023/05/11/are-all-leaders-narcissists-kew-episode-124/

Similarly, underconfident people can often look to others to take responsibility when they question their own worth.

One side is characterized by an unnatural LACK of fear, and the other a healthy or perhaps unhealthy ABUNDANCE of fear.

Or maybe both sides are about fear.

In this Episode, I explore the interaction between more narcissistic people and more codependent people. More importantly, I investigate human relationships and how they often contain attributes of this continuum.

I argue that self-awareness creates a responsibility to bravely face our fears. And perhaps the lack of del-awareness perpetuates an unnatural avoidance of this investigation.

I am starting to think that everything is either a retreat from or a call toward fear.

And that the opposite of fear is not only bravery but love. More on that next week.

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The words 'leader' and 'narcissist' bug me.

I think these two words are overused. I also don't think we really know what they mean anymore. Maybe we never did.

Maybe the words have been usurped by the very people defined by them.

Let's start with leadership. What is this, exactly?

If you look on LinkedIn (which I did, then I quit) you will see 'leadership' as being a top-tier achievement. The word is thrown around to mean everything that's great about the world. Everything that's great about an INDIVIDUAL can somehow be summed up by leadership. The closer you are to being a leader, the better person you are, the more money you can make, and the greater follower count you are sure to acquire.

In other words, leadership seems to be a word that quantifies or categorizes status. 

And if you've been around here very long you know how I feel about status. 

If leaders are defined by status, how do they get it? Is it taken or bestowed? Are leaders elected, chosen, appointed? What makes a good leader?

Certainly leaders must be confident. And strong? Convincing? Manipulative? It's a slippery slope, isn't it?

Eventually, the characteristics that describe leaders merge on another one of my least favorite words: narcissism.

Who is a narcissist? Everyone? It sure seems that way. The common knee-jerk explanation for anyone who is deemed 'bad' in any way is that they are a narcissist. Kind of like one of the best things a person can be is a 'natural leader'. 

I think we have come to mistake confidence for leadership and narcissism.

The difference between narcissism and confidence is empathy.

Leadership without empathy is fascist. 

I hope you enjoy the episode and the rest of my foray into this mess.

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