The New Ark

They don't have eyes, ears, noses, brains, hearts or anuses. What do they have? A Welshman who self-identifies as a kettle to defend them. Good luck jellyfish.

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In this 10-year-old's wet dream of an episode, we talk about poo smells, sex screams and sliding down poles. You know, the usual Tuesday evening deal. Joe reveals intimate insights about his bowel movements. You don't wanna know.

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Snails. They're like slugs with houses. Or seahorses after 15 minutes in the blender. Or sloths if you're Joe. So come ye come ye and hear us two spineless suckers moping about dishing the dirt on these garden heroes. With all the energy of a snail. Seriously.

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This episode: tardigrades, the tiny little indestructible micro-bears with eight legs and a vacuum cleaner bag body. Why tardigrades? You asked for them. Nerd. Now see these superpowered microbes torn to shreds before your very eyes. Except it's a podcast so you won't actually see anything. Just imagine.

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You asked, we answered! Rattling off your audience requests to kick off TNA series 2, we're taking sharks to town. Which sharks can walk? Which die if they stop swimming? What idiot would put them on board an itty bitty space ship they're flying? That last one's Joe by the way. But please, please listen anyway :)

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Earth hasn't exploded (yet) so we're back! Well... Elliot is. Saf got eaten by fungi and in his place it's Welshman Joe being overly nice to bastard animals. First on the chopping block: rhinos. [Boo hiss!] In this ep, Elliot tries to break Joe and almost succeeds, extracting the choice phrase: "Life is shit." Fun times!

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The royal rumble rematch: closing out The New Ark series 1 in style with a three-way showdown between frogs, snakes and fungi. Can we break the podcast by letting a non-animal on board? Yes we can!! Our first 'happy' ending for the show and plenty of pizza-based discussion. Series 2 coming this September to a device near you!

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Is Black Panther any good? What the f*** is a panther anyways? In the series' penultimate episode, we take a jackhammer to jaguars' reputation and reveal why God mucked up with camouflage. Do jaguars deserve a spot on the ark? Head to @newarkhives to leave your vote...

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Saf's chance to take his revenge on cats being left for the coming apocalypse. Elliot's chance to rant about annoying ads and murderous nymphomaniacs. Who's in favour of the pet meerkat and nearly won one with their car insurance? Listen in to find out. Head to @newarkhives afterwards to vote: meerkats, good or bastards.

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This episode, Darwin and God team up to help worms worm their way on board. Elliot resorts to Star Wars' giant sandworms and the Mongolian death worm. And we discover the miracle of the transient anus. Head to @newarkhives afterwards to vote whether earthworms deserve a ticket to Earth 2.0.

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