My dreams are bursting out to sea, is more of a metaphor. Back when we were kids, the vision had become clear. I’ll never know what’s head, but that will never stop me. You will miss me if you blink twice, dream like I never dreamed. All the fireflies that light up the sky, the intro of an Owl City song. The future I dreamed became real. I would stay awake then sleep. Life is a once in lifetime opportunity, you only get one chance. The farewell of walking across the stage, to the rest of my life. When I write it’s more like a melody or song that was stuck within me, that finally got released. One of things about healing is once you leave the sadness, the anger appears for allowing it to happen, even though you couldn’t control it at young age. I’m not sad anymore, it’s like I never gave it my heart or remember being broken. When you think I have given up. I’ll prove the world wrong. I will continue to be underestimated which became my greatest strength. The pink skies, we were taught to enjoy. You always found another way. The big heart you have got you this far. 

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Looking back now, everything that happened, the way it happened was a reason. From not being believed to outcast, to being believed because you told the truth the whole time. You would rather tell the truth, even if it hurts then to lie. Which burns bridge, never can be trusted or believed ever again. The humiliation would be sent back to the sender. The two individuals, one who was nurse and the other one who became a doctor to only destroy your creditability, reputation and career. Violating HIPPA, PHI, breaking federal laws and breaking someone’s confidentiality without their permission was it worth? Our smiles have changed, they never change, you had to go through the darkness the humiliation to be in the light again which meant you were healed. I am strict on my rights and if you violate them, that is on you. You knew what you were doing, you just didn’t think I would stand up for myself. This wasn’t about just myself, you could do this to many more victims because you didn’t care. “The oath” I took to share the truth, to stand up for what was right. It was never based on revenge, it went through the grueling process to help others. I could have the one representing me to speak for me, but I didn’t. I am not afraid of much of anything, because what I was afraid of , I went through. It taught me to not be afraid. Plus already had a lifetime restraining order against someone already. It was out of my own safety. When I took “The Oath”, I took it seriously. You will never hurt me or anyone else like that again. It is on your record permanently and it will follow you everywhere. None of this had happen if you grew up, but you never did, You rather play the victim, never take accountability and blame others for your mistakes. I do choose to forgive, but I don’t forget. I will never be able to forget. Unfortunately one of things I developed when I was abused was photographic memory and the ability to remember what hurt me, but not remember all the good moments I had. Not that I chose to forget those moments, and that only chose to remember everything horrible. To describe what I mean by brain injury this is what I mean, our Hippocampus becomes smaller, and can change our prefrontal cortex of our decision-making and other functions. The detachment or disassociation of our childhood or horrible memories. This triggers the chronic response of fight or flight, that can’t be reversed. I promise it isn’t in your head, what you are experiencing and feeling is very real. In my case because I have been in survival mode for so long, my brain started to miss fire, and that’s where these autoimmune diseases come in. Our bodies store stress and trauma, that if not released becomes an autoimmune disease or it makes us very sick. For years I was ashamed for what I did, for what happened to me. I am not perfect, I learned from my mistakes, made amends to the ones I hurt, while taking care of myself. So when I say our smiles have changed, I mean when something died inside of us, sparked something new that was restored in us. It took awhile to get here, but everything happens for a reason. 

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

 I can’t tell you when you feel this type of feeling of standing up yourself when the threat for life is very real. Having your life threaten by someone who mentally, sexually, physically and verbally abused you from nine to thirteen years old. To doors spilting in half in front of you, bruises and scars from burns. A forty year old man, who should know right from wrong. I didn’t find God, He found me in my darkest moment. Gathering evidence but having to hide it, certain special moments like your birthday or mother’s day would never be the same for you. Especially when you wanted children of your own, but that was taken away from you. To have a mother, child or both to celebrate Mother’s Day, cherish those moments. Many of us may have of one or none to cherish it with, it’s a holiday we choose to escape. So long. To my old self, the innocent child who had her childhood taken away. Who had to grow up quickly, being an adult at eight. Independence was taught at a young age, no one to ask for help or being too afraid to ask for help. The child within yourself who prayed for someone to save them, is now the adult who became the one the child asked for. The guilt and shame, that you carried for years, made it difficult to open up. The brain injury that was physical but came from the abuse. Many don’t understand that abuse can cause damage to the brain, to point of no return. Living in survival mode for many years, once you leave survival mode your body goes into shock. The consequences of freeing yourself, putting yourself first and taking care of yourself, was becoming sick. Your body doesn’t know how to live in a quiet, safe environment. It’s constantly looking for threats. You don’t dwell on your past, it never defined you. It made me who I am today. Starting this podcast with So long, to my old self, is to see how far I have come despite how hard it was accept the news I got this week. That none of this was my fault, but I have brain injury that can’t be reversed, but can be managed. The ones who speak on this topic who never experience it, shouldn’t say anything. To the ones who say it’s made up, it’s in our head or we doing it for attention. You should listen to yourself, to the ones who said you should have just walked away when you had the chance. Would you walk away when your life was threaten? For all years being blamed because the engagement was ruined, instead of being heard. I became the black sheep. Sharing my truth was only for attention, it was made up or I was being dramatic, when I was being truthful. Why do think I walked away and haven’t spoken to you in five years. You will always play the victim, never take accountability and flip the story. I was never perfect and I was never innocent, but I would rather go no contact and never see you ever again to protect my mental health, and peace. Twenty-seven years old, I am doing better than I ever was, the strength of sharing my story was therapy to me. I don’t care if it ruins your image, or that you don’t like that I am standing up for myself. I would rather be hated for telling the truth, to walk alone then for everyone to believe a lie of life that actually happened, you just don’t want no one to know who you really are behind the mask. 

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.