The Opposite Of Lonely

By Nadia HalimSociety & Culture Relationships

The Opposite Of Lonely episodes

October 15, 2019 15. What Makes a Co-House a Co-Home?
“I’ve built more and more trust in our capacity for creative problem
solving. It’s very easy to get into a position where you feel like there are
two options: I get what I want or I don’t get what I want. This group is
really great at figuring out: Is there a third option that we haven’t
thought about? The more you trust that we can do that as a group, the less
scary it feels to voice a need that isn’t being addressed, to say that you
need something different than the solution being put forward. Because you
have increasing trust that we’ll figure something out together.”
Early in 2018, six friends pooled their resources, bought a house together in
Toronto, and formed a small intentional community. A little over a year later,
producer Chris and I went there to learn about their approach to creating a
harmonious and supportive home. We toured the house and heard some renovation
stories, then sat down to hear their reflections on living in community.
You’ll hear about some of their strategies for getting to know each other
(like “financial nudity”); how they resolve disagreements over things like
whether to put in a new powder room; and what they believe is behind their
success so far. There’s no magic formula, but there is a lot of insight on how
to really get along with people, strengthen relationships, and have fun along
the way.
Featuring Clarens Commons housemates Sabrina (who you may remember from
episode 3!), Karim, Mandy, Val, and
Alex.
Show Notes.
In Ontario, DUCA offers a “More Together” mortgage that allows for co-ownership by up to 6 people.
“It’s like a little Tool Library!”
The VICE article.
Tess Kawlinowski’s front page Toronto Star article on Clarens
Commons.
“Barring a Station Eleven-type
scenario”
Further articles and online resources passed along by Karim:
NOW Toronto: “Can't Afford a House in Toronto? Buy with a Friend” by Joanne
Penhale.
PBS Newshour: “Cohousing communities help prevent social
isolation”.
Video: Bianca Heyming, “Intentional Communities — 50% Less Hippie Than You'd
Expect” from TEDxCardiff-by-the-Sea.
Canadian Cohousing Network.
The Cohousing Association of the United States.
Support The Opposite Of Lonely on Patreon.
52 min
July 04, 2019 14. Asking Deep Questions.
Michael, reading card: “What do you think about the most when you’re by yourself?”
Chris: “Uh-oh.”
The Ask Deep Questions card
deck was developed by Jan Keck as a tool for getting past small talk and into
meaningful conversations. What exactly makes a question deep, and a
conversation meaningful? In this episode, Jan explains to me how he came to
develop the cards, and how he sees vulnerability as the key to human
connection. Then, since talking about the cards isn’t nearly as interesting as
using them, I get together with a group of Megaphonic hosts and friends of
this podcast to tackle some of the questions themselves. We approach them with
questions of our own: Is vulnerability the only key to connection, or are
there other ways to connect? Can you have true vulnerability without venturing
into difficult territory that risks negativity and conflict? And answering the
questions on the cards does indeed spark a great, wide-ranging conversation
that touches on everything from the nature of intuition, to mortality,
adolescent body dysmorphia, Chris’s aversion to being remembered, and the
fascinating worlds inside Michael’s head.
Guest.
Jan Keck is a community addict. He is the
creator of Ask Deep Questions,
which started out as a deck of cards to help his friends connect on a camping
trip and is now being used to facilitate meaningful conversations through
sharing personal stories on every continent around the globe. Jan’s mission is
to help people feel less lonely, so by creating experiences, workshops and
programs he is fueling the movement for deeper human connection. Growing up as
an only child, he found his soul family at summer camp, in sports clubs and
even politics. But when he moved from Germany to Canada in his twenties he had
to re-create his community from scratch and learned that the fastest way to
make deep connections is through meaningful conversations and experiences. Jan
now lives in Toronto with his wife Natalia (aka Cookie), his son Mika and cat
Gato and you can often find him hanging out with his mastermind groups,
attending community events, or camping up north.
The players.
Nadia Halim, your host.
Suzanne Conklin Akbari, of The Spouter-Inn.
Melissa Brizuela, returning from episode
3.
Michael Collins, of This is Your Mixtape
and Dear Reader.
Chris Piuma, your producer, and host of The Spouter-Inn and The Scene Of The
Scene.
Show Notes.
The Ask Deep Questions card deck.
A video introduction to the Ask Deep Questions
cards, with tips on how to use
them.
Support The Opposite of Lonely on Patreon
and you can hear the entire conversation—and join us on a members-only Slack!
1 hr
April 19, 2019 13. Walking Conversations.
“Sometimes you get caught up in city life, and the city starts feeling small,
a bit mundane, and isolating. You forget that there’s millions of other
people having completely different experiences than you. Which is the reason
I live in the city, right? That’s the most exciting part of living in the
city, is that you have all these stories happening right next to you.”
On this episode, we look at a topic close to my heart: walking in groups, with
friends or strangers. Going on walks around Toronto is how I got to know the
city and how I met many of my friends, including Dylan, whose love of walking
led him to co-found an advocacy group that works to make the sidewalks safer
for pedestrians. Juan is on the Toronto organizing team for this year’s Jane’s
Walk festival, the Jane Jacobs-inspired event where ordinary people across
Toronto, and in many cities globally, lead “walking conversations”. We talk
about what makes walking a great way to socialize (for introverts and
extroverts alike), how exploring your city can make you more aware of its
history and of the other lives going on all around you, and how anyone can
lead a Jane’s Walk, get involved in pedestrian advocacy—or just round up some
friends and start wandering.
Guests.
Dylan Reid is one of the founders of
Spacing , a magazine about Toronto's urban landscape; he’s Spacing 's book
series editor and the author of the Toronto Public Etiquette Guide. He is
also one of the founders of Walk Toronto, a grassroots advocacy group. He has a Master's degree
in history and is a fellow at the Centre for Reformation and Renaissance
Studies at the University of Toronto.
Juan Gonzalez-Calcaneo’s
first passion was filmmaking; studying film was the reason he initially came
to Toronto from his native Mexico in the early aughts. Since then, Juan has
focused on developing engaging communications strategies for important non-profits arts organizations and festivals in Toronto, leading him to open his
own boutique communications agency. Juan’s dynamic
career also includes a successful four-year run as a panelist on a hit MTV
show breaking down stigmas attached to the LGBTQ community. He continues to
advocate for and promote the arts and other causes he’s passionate about,
leading him to become a Jane’s Walk Toronto 2019 City Organizer.
Show Notes.
Slouching towards Bethlehem by Joan
Didion.
50 Toronto Hidden Gems & Curiosities, edited by Dylan Reid and Matthew Blackett.
Nyctophilia, a public art installation on Weston
Road.
Spacing.
Trampoline Hall.
Jane’s Walk
(Facebook,
Twitter,
Instagram).
Jane’s Walk in Toronto (Facebook,
Twitter,
Instagram).
Internet Mysticism in Wychwood
Park.
Queer East.
The leather bar was mentioned in an episode of This Is Your
Mixtape.
Walk Toronto
(Facebook,
Twitter).
Some background on Toronto’s buried
rivers.
Toronto Company of Flâneurs and Flâneuses on
Facebook.
42 min
March 14, 2019 12. Music Scenes.
”I realized at a certain point I’m not good at making friends with people
just by talking to them, that’s something I don’t have a lot of experience
with. People I do like, my default is always, ‘Let’s make something
together.’”
From the “immediate family” of a community theatre production, to the “Lord of
the Rings fellowship type situation” of touring with a band, close
relationships with collaborators are a big part of being a musician. I talk to
two Toronto-based musicians about how technology and economics have changed
the music scene over the past couple of decades (not necessarily for the
better or worse), and how music has always been a part of how they see
themselves and how they connect with other people. Find out why Kristin has a
love/hate relationship with Instagram, what it meant to Simon in the mid-’90s
to see someone wearing an Operation Ivy patch, and how the ukulele can be “an
instrument of peace and community building”.
Guests.
Simon Borer has been hanging around
the Toronto music for the better part of two decades, starting as a doorman at
the Silver Dollar, watching Dan Burke’s every move, then as the frontman for
Entire Cities, touring the country and opening for artists like Sloan, Rock
Plaza Central and Wolf Parade. Currently he records under the name Traplines,
and is in production on his first feature film.
Kristin Fung’s dynamic and versatile
performances as a vocalist, keyboardist, and composer traverse multiple
musical landscapes. She leads her own R&B band in original tunes infused with
her signature super funky soul grooves. She is a member of Anthony Braxton’s
Tri-Centric Vocal Ensemble, and a featured soloist in the live and recorded
versions of Braxton’s experimental opera Trillium J. She’s also part of
Christine Duncan’s The Element Choir; creator of celeste, a contemporary
vocal/dance trio; and she’s half of the hip folky duo K Funk and Lady Ree. She
has performed at many venues in Toronto and beyond.
Show Notes.
Birdman Sound.
CFRC — Campus Community Radio.
BET’s “Midnight Love” is no longer around, but here’s a YouTube playlist with
some key
tracks.
Wavelength.
Operation Ivy.
Entire Cities.
Find Kristin Fung on
Instagram and
Spotify.
Simon Borer’s current musical project,
Traplines.
54 min
December 18, 2018 11. The Holiday Episode.
“If people are singing Christmas carols in a bar: I’m not so into that. But
onstage, in a rabbit costume? It’s a totally different thing.”
Well, of course we had to do a holiday episode! If you feel isolated—either
because you’re alone for the holidays, or because you don’t feel close to the
people you’re spending them with—this can be a lonely time of year. But it can
also be an opportunity to try to create the kinds of get-togethers and
traditions you wish you had, even if those don’t look conventionally
“festive”. If you’re the kind of person who does love the holidays, it can
be a chance to share the cheer. And also, honestly, this time of year can just
be straight-up weird. Especially if you spend it at the mall, dressed as a
cartoon rabbit.
You’ll hear that story from one of my guests, as well as several stories sent
in by listeners, who have tried everything from joining the festivities of a
Christmas-loving family to opting out of the holidays altogether.
Guests.
Shari Kasman is a writer,
multidisciplinary artist, and piano teacher. Her collection of short stories,
Everything Life Has to
Offer, exists thanks to Invisible Publishing. She has created art for both
private space and public space, including a photocollage around a construction
site. Most recently, Shari made a photo book about Toronto’s Galleria Mall. It
is called Galleria: The Mall that Time Forgot. Her background is in music.
Chris Piuma spends most of his time
podcasting these days. He’s one of the co-founders of Megaphonic FM and he’s
the producer and editor of this very show. He also hosts The Scene Of The
Scene, which tries to capture the
conversation you have with your friends when you’ve just seen a movie
together. He created The Scene Of The Scene to make himself leave the house
and see his friends more.
Show Notes.
Many young adults in the UK say they have no-one to spend Christmas
with.
The Great Christmas Get Together Advent
Calendar.
Article about “Friendsgiving” in the
U.S. (It’s not just for millennials!)
Buy Galleria: The Mall that Time Forgot by Shari
Kasman.
Tofurky and Quorn.
Raymond Briggs’s The Snowman.
47 min
November 12, 2018 10. Working Arrangements that Work.
“Just having another person there, and not even talking—though you can
occasionally look up and say something—I get way more work done when there’s
someone else there, I don’t know why.”
For better or worse, the world of work is changing fast. With the increase in
freelance and contract work and the advent of telecommuting, more and more
people have paying work that doesn’t come with office space. Working for
yourself can be liberating, and working from home can be convenient, but both
can also get lonely and isolating in the long run. People are trying all kinds
of strategies and setups to get around that: co-working spaces, working in
cafes, teleconferencing. What’s the best way to be with people while working
independently?
When Ange had a job in a library, she would look at people working in coffee
shops with longing and envy. Now she is one of those people, when she’s not
in a studio, co-working space, or her own living room. Jessica is fascinated
by offices and co-working spaces from an anthropological perspective, but
finds that folks at her current co-working space don’t tend to come out to
social events, even for free ice cream. Can meeting or working with people
digitally—i.e., via videoconferencing—sometimes be as good as having co-workers? Do you want the people you work with to be your friends, or is it
enough just to get along with them? And what would the perfect work setup look
like?
Guests.
Ange Friesen is a writer and creative
strategist who describes her work as brand therapy for beautiful ideas and
their people. Ange combines her background in marketing and copywriting with
her training as a psychotherapist, helping creative people and companies
figure out who they are and how to share their ideas with the world. Ange
lives in Toronto and works everywhere.
Jessica Taylor followed her wife to Cambridge, Massachusetts, and is
currently a Research Associate at Harvard. As of her move, she now belongs to
three book clubs and one reading challenge.
Show Notes.
Ange Friesen’s brand therapy website.
The Centre for Social Innovation is one of
Toronto’s oldest and best known co-working communities.
Make Lemonade is a women’s co-working space in
Toronto.
The co-working space in Malmö.
‘The flexibility is incredible’: When companies ditch the office, everyone's
a remote worker (CBC).
46 min
October 03, 2018 9. Artscape Gibraltar Point.
“I can go for the first few days avoiding people, but by the end of the
week, always, I have an evening where I’m just itching to see people, and I
end up checking the kitchen every fifteen minutes to see who’s there.
Because I do get lonely when I work that hard, and it’s so nice to know that
somebody’s going to turn up, and it’s generally somebody super interesting,
who you can have a chat and a cup of tea with.”
Have you ever wanted to get away from it all—but not, you know, too far
away? Would the idea of living communally with like-minded people appeal to
you, if you knew you could go into your own room and shut the door and
everyone would leave you alone? That comfortable balance of solitude and
company is something many of us look for. It’s particularly important to
artists and writers, most of whom need time alone to work, but draw
inspiration and encouragement from talking to each other. For this episode,
Megaphonic’s Chris Piuma and I took the ferry out to the Toronto Islands to
visit Artscape Gibraltar Point, an
artists’ residence designed to create an environment where it’s possible to
find that balance. We talked to staffer Andrew Lochhead and several of the
residents, and later I sat down for a longer chat with Anna Synenko and Julia
Tausch, two writers who have returned to AGP many times over the years. The
consensus, more or less: AGP is a great place to be alone—to hunker down and
work, commune with nature, or even just sit with your loneliness for awhile.
And when you start to crave company, there’s always the kitchen.
Guests.
Julia Tausch is a writer living in
Toronto. She wrote the novel Another Book About Another Broken
Heart and has published fiction and essays in
publications such as Hobart, CBC Arts, The Hairpin, and Bon Appetit.
She is currently working on a memoir that investigates abledness.
After a long career in publishing, Anna
Synenko now creates projects for film
and television exclusively, producing original scripts in full feature,
comedy, documentary, and factual. She currently has created two documentary
series that are signed to a London UK television production company, is
optioned to write a big budget historical film with another UK company, and
her adaptation of Amanda Lear’s My Life with Dali
is currently with a European producer based in Amsterdam and LA. She works
closely with filmmakers to teach script writing or doctor existing scripts.
Self-taught, she’s spent approximately 5 years nomadically moving around,
writing scripts, developing shows, and honing her craft to make stories honest
in the revealing, daring in the execution, and provocative in the telling.
Show Notes.
Photos from our visit to Artscape Gibraltar
Point.
About Artscape Gibraltar Point.
Anna Synenko’s website, featuring a photo of her Artscape Gibraltar Point
studio in winter.
Julia Tausch’s first novel, Another Book about Another Broken
Heart.
Maurice Vellekoop.
Special Thanks.
A number of people contributed to making this episode happen: Daniel
Rotsztain put me in touch with Anna, Julia
and Luisa. Andrew Lochhead provided all the information I needed, plus a
guided tour and introductions. Chris Piuma did the onsite recording, had
valuable input into pruning and shaping the episode, and went above and beyond
with the editing. And, of course, thanks again to all the Artscape Gibraltar
Point folks who talked to us: Alicia, Eunice, Barbara, Rae, Luisa, Marina,
Julia, and Anna.
59 min
August 23, 2018 8. Having a Baby.
“Not all of my friendships have survived the transition into motherhood,
which is unfortunate, but enough new people have come in that it doesn’t
feel like a loss. It feels like an enrichment.”
Becoming a parent changes to your identity, and the way you relate to other
people, in fundamental ways. In this episode, I talk to two of my friends
about their experiences with childbirth and new motherhood, which, although
it’s perhaps the most conventional of the many different ways of becoming a
parent, brings challenges that still aren’t talked about much.
Beth wasn’t sure she really even liked kids, and she was afraid of becoming
the kind of boring mom who “doesn’t get the Simpsons.” Allysun was looking
forward to motherhood, confident she’d just carry on as usual with her baby
tucked under her arm. When they had babies, both of them—in different
ways—found the experience harder and more enriching than they could have
imagined. They talk about the vital importance of friendships with other new
moms; how different the social expectations still are for moms vs. dads; how
those of us who don’t have kids can be supportive and stay connected, and how
much it means to them when we make the effort.
Guests.
Beth Martin has just completed a PhD in English literature and is
currently working in research at the University of Toronto. She’s also a co-host of It’s Just a Show, another Megaphonic
podcast. She has a four-year-old daughter.
Allysun Welburn is an elementary school teacher in Wakefield, Quebec. She
has three daughters aged 10, 7, and 5 months. And she is currently obsessed
with embroidery.
Show Notes.
The CBC story I mention is a segment of the radio series Out in the
Open: “‘It’s not something we talk
about…but it’s a real issue’: The isolation of new
motherhood”.
Social.mom is a social network for moms.
Pierre Robin Syndrome.
The sad story of Sesame Street’s
David.
The New York Times story, “Motherhood in the Age of
Fear”.
54 min
July 24, 2018 7. New in Town.
“I kind of grew up on the internet, with a lot of friends in different
places all over the world. I don’t see a distinction between internet
friendships and ‘real’ friendships. So when I moved, most of my friendships
didn’t change at all, because they were already based on internet
communication or on phone calls.”
You’re moving to a new city! It’s an exciting chance to start fresh, maybe re-invent yourself a bit with a whole new social circle. But are you going to
lose the friends you made in the last place you lived? And how will you start
meeting new people? Eva always brings her violin with her; she says
“orchestras always need violins”, so she can usually find one to join just
about anywhere. Daniel doubled up on re-inventing himself the last time he
moved—he became “Dan” and “Professor Price”, with two very different
corresponding wardrobes. We talk about how landing in an academic department
makes moving easier, as does growing up and becoming more confident; how
people used the internet to meet each other before social media was invented
(blogs! Meetup groups!); and how one or two dedicated extroverts can hold a
group of friends together even when they scatter geographically.
Guests.
Eva Amsen is a former biochemist
who now works as a science writer and communicator.
She has lived in Amsterdam, Quebec City, Toronto, Cambridge (England), and now
London, where she plays in orchestras, browses bookstores and wanders the
city.
Daniel Price is a preacher’s kid
and former zoo-keeper from New Brunswick who is completing a PhD in medieval
religion at the University of Toronto, where he studies the weird and violent
world of Merovingian saints. He has held positions as a lecturer in history at
the University of Saskatchewan and a volunteer god of chaos in a large online
text MUD, and he spends his free time helping to develop equity and
accessibility policy for his union local. He lives with his delightful partner
and a handsome cockatiel who never stops whistling.
Show Notes.
“Making a New City Your
Home.” New York Times article citing Melody Warnick, author of This is
Where You Belong: Finding Home Wherever You
Are.
The blog of Brett Lamb, featuring the last of his famous photo
stories.
The London Euphonia Orchestra, Eva’s current orchestra, performs Georges
Bizet “Les Toréadors” from Carmen Suite No.
1.
The Doctor Who Fan Orchestra performs “Donna’s
Suite”.
52 min
June 19, 2018 6. Parties for Non-Partiers.
“When you walk in, and you're looking at people, and they give you that
vacant look—for me, that determines how long I stay at a party. Like, is
this worth exerting my energy and trying to be social?”
Neither Chris nor Diane went to parties as kids; they were bookworms with
inconveniently timed birthdays. Chris doesn’t like fun, at least not of the
roller-coaster, wild-party variety. Diane went through a carefree going-out-a-lot period in her twenties, but sometimes feels like she’s getting less sure
of herself as she gets older. Naturally, these were the people I thought of
for an episode about parties.
After all, a lot of us are a bit ambivalent about the whole party thing. So,
for non-party people, what makes a party actually enjoyable? Is it better to
show up early, or late? When you realize you’ve been talking to someone for
too long and you want to circulate, what do you do? All this, plus an analysis
of “friend flirting” as opposed to “real” flirting!
Guests.
Diane Campbell is an associate
producer at CBC News. In her down time, she’s one of the co-hosts of Sip &
Bitch, a podcast pairing generous servings of alcohol with a variety of topics
related to culture.
Chris Piumahas done a lot of different
kinds of creative work: music, poetry, graphic design, photography, and more.
He’s a co-founder of the Megaphonic podcast network—and one the hosts of
You’re Not Funny, a podcast about NOT doing
comedy.
Show Notes.
The Northeast Blackout started on August 14,
2003, which is
relatively recent in geologic time.
You can listen to Sip & Bitch on Soundcloud, iTunes or
Stitcher.
50 min

About The Opposite Of Lonely

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Who are “your people”? Where is everyone hanging out? What puts the quality in quality time? Come join Nadia and friends as they chat about social connectedness.