Does Your Former Self Have to Die For Growth?

What if people do not recognize the new you because the person they knew no longer exists in the same form?

In Episode 31 of The Original Self Podcast, Evet DeCota sits down with Joseph Okoroji, Muay Thai martial artist, personal trainer, and author of A Mark in the Sand, for a deep conversation about identity and the cost of meaningful change.

The episode began with an email Joseph sent after listening to Episode 29, Why People Treat You Differently When You Change. He offered a darker interpretation of growth: perhaps people sometimes struggle with the new you because they are grieving the version of you they knew how to relate to. The agreeable version stops agreeing. The person who always says yes begins setting boundaries. The identity built around approval, anger, insecurity, or hyper-independence may no longer be in charge.

Joseph describes this kind of transformation as a death. Using his memorable image of the short-necked giraffe, he argues that evolution sometimes leaves no room for the previous form. Evet offers a counterpoint: Does the former self truly have to die, or can growth mean integration? Can we appreciate the version of ourselves that protected us while deciding that it no longer gets to lead?

Drawing from Joseph’s book and personal experiences, they discuss:

• Why identity change can create grief for ourselves and for the people around us.

• People-pleasing, boundaries, self-love, and behavior others may label selfish.

• The cruise-ship fitness opportunity Joseph lost and how shame changed his relationship with hope.

• Why failure is an event rather than an identity • The difference between blame and ownership

• How adults disguise permission-seeking as advice-seeking

• Whether old identities ever disappear completely

• Momentum, rest, and the opportunities created by movement

• The Culver City stairs and taking the smallest available action

• When sacrifice protects a priority and when it becomes unnecessary self-denial

• The importance of remaining teachable

• The meaning behind A Mark in the Sand

This episode is for anyone who has been told, “You’re not the person I used to know,” or who is trying to grow without turning against the person they once needed to be.

A question to consider:

What did your former identity once protect—and what does it no longer need to decide for you?

ABOUT THE GUEST

Joseph Okoroji is a Muay Thai martial artist and coach, personal trainer, and author of A Mark in the Sand.

Buy A Mark in the Sand on Amazon: https://a.co/d/0dbWASCO

Follow Joseph on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/itrainium_red/

CONNECT WITH EVET

Evet DeCota, Founder, DeCota Life Coaching, Associate Certified Coach (ACC) | B.A. Psychology

Website: https://www.decotalifecoaching.com

Email: [email protected]

Helping you reconnect with who you truly are.

How do we know whether continuing is an act of meaningful perseverance—or evidence that we’re having difficulty letting go?

In this episode of The Original Self Podcast, Evet DeCota examines that question through her own experience of creating a podcast while watching analytics that do not always reflect the time, thought, and effort behind the work.

Then an unexpected message arrives. Someone shares that an episode helped them recognize a pattern, change their perspective, or take action—and suddenly, continuing feels worthwhile again.

Psychology calls this broader pattern intermittent reinforcement. Within B. F. Skinner’s framework, it can resemble a variable-ratio schedule of reinforcement: the reward arrives after an unpredictable number of attempts. Because we never know which attempt may produce the next reward, the behavior can become remarkably persistent.

But reinforcement is only part of the story.

Evet also explores Edward Deci and Richard Ryan’s Self-Determination Theory, the difference between intrinsic and extrinsic motivation, and the psychological needs for autonomy, competence, and relatedness. A thoughtful response from another person may act as an external reward, but it can also reconnect us to our purpose and show us that our efforts are having a meaningful effect.

The real question may not be whether our motivation is intrinsic or extrinsic. Both can exist at the same time. The more revealing question is: Which motivation is making the decision?

This episode explores how to distinguish commitment from attachment, why “maybe” can keep us invested, and how healthy persistence allows us to change the strategy without abandoning the purpose. Because persistence is not the same as repetition.

In This Episode

· Why unpredictable rewards can make behavior especially persistent

· Intermittent reinforcement and variable-ratio schedules

· Why “maybe” can be more difficult to leave than a definite no

· The difference between intrinsic and extrinsic motivation

· How autonomy, competence, and relatedness support motivation

· When outside feedback reconnects us to purpose

· How measurements can begin determining the value we assign to our work

· Why adjusting the plan does not necessarily mean giving up

About Evet DeCota

Evet DeCota is an Associate Certified Coach through the International Coaching Federation and holds a B.A. in Psychology. She is the founder of DeCota Life Coaching and the host of The Original Self Podcast.

Her psychology-informed coaching draws upon positive psychology, behavior change, emotional regulation, curiosity, and nearly four decades of experience listening closely to people. Her work helps people navigate change, strengthen self-trust, build confidence, and reconnect with who they truly are.

Connect With Evet

Website: decotalifecoaching.com

Email: [email protected]

Social media:

linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/evet-decota-icf-acc-09504b337/

instagram: https://www.instagram.com/decota_life_coaching/

A coworker once made a blunt observation about a client who had lost a significant amount of weight: she used to be nice, and now she was difficult. The comment stayed with Evet because it turned a person’s complicated change into a complete story without describing what had actually happened.

In Episode 29 of The Original Self Podcast, Evet explores labeling theory and the way a description can become a lens through which every later behavior is interpreted. She also examines confirmation bias, master status, and gender backlash—especially the narrow range of behavior women are often expected to occupy before confidence is recast as arrogance, coldness, or an attitude problem.

Evet brings the psychology into her own life by reflecting on the role she once played to feel accepted: funny, attentive, friendly, smart enough, and mostly not too assertive. She shares how returning to school, losing weight, and getting older changed what she accepts in conversation, how she responds to interruption, and how much authority she gives another person’s approval.

The episode closes by distinguishing character labels from specific behavioral feedback. Specificity leaves room for reflection and accountability. A label can make a story feel complete before curiosity has had a chance to enter.

About Evet

Evet DeCota is the founder of DeCota Life Coaching, an Associate Certified Coach (ACC), and a psychology-informed life coach with a psychology degree. She is also a longtime hairstylist and salon owner whose work is grounded in behavior change, positive psychology, self-trust, resilience, and identity.

Listen to The Original Self Podcast wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts.

Website: decotalifecoaching.com Email: [email protected]

Why do certain people’s words stay with us while other compliments disappear? Sometimes it is because those words come from someone who has paid attention to who we are becoming.

In this episode of The Original Self Podcast, Evet reflects on the clients, teachers, and mentors whose belief helped her take action before she felt fully confident. Through stories about returning to college, surviving statistics, opening a salon, and learning to receive care, she explores how belief becomes meaningful when it helps us remain engaged with our own lives.

The episode examines Albert Bandura’s four sources of self-efficacy: mastery experiences, vicarious experiences, social persuasion, and physiological and emotional states. It also considers mattering, problem-focused coping, agency, help-seeking, and Kristin Neff’s three elements of self-compassion.

The deeper question is not how to silence doubt completely. It is why we so often treat doubt as the only credible voice in the room.

In This Episode

· Why encouragement carries more weight when it comes from someone who truly knows us

· How mattering helps explain why certain voices stay with us

· The four sources of self-efficacy identified by Albert Bandura

· The difference between encouragement and evidence

· How problem-focused coping redirects attention toward what we can influence

· Why self-reliance can make receiving support feel threatening

· How self-compassion expands strength to include asking for and accepting help

Something to Try

Offer one person a specific reflection based on something you have genuinely observed. Then notice what happens the next time someone offers you support. Pause long enough to let the help land before deciding what you owe them. Which feels more natural: offering support or receiving it?

Connect with Evet

Email: [email protected]

Website: https://www.decotalifecoaching.com

Listen wherever you get your favorite podcasts.

Some people leave us with memories. Others quietly change the way we see our own lives.

After cutting Loren's hair every six weeks for sixteen years, Evet came to recognize his unusual gift: he knew how to live inside an ordinary moment. Whether he was eating a sandwich in a crowded deli, sharing music, debating an opinion, or lingering in conversation after a haircut, Loren paid attention long enough for the experience to matter.

In this episode, Evet pairs Loren's story with research on mind wandering and positive psychology's concept of savoring. She explores the difference between simply having a positive experience and allowing ourselves to fully receive it. She also looks at dampening, the habit of minimizing or stepping away from something good because caring deeply can make us feel vulnerable.

Through friendship, music, loss, and remembrance, Loren left Evet with a gentler reframe. The goal is not to appreciate every second perfectly. It is to ask: Can I stay for one more beat? Can I let something good reach me before I explain it away?

Episode 26 is a reflection on attention, the people who shape us, and the ordinary moments that are not interruptions to life. They are life.

In This Episode

· Why our minds can be somewhere else even when our bodies are present

· How savoring differs from mindfulness

· The ways we amplify or dampen positive experiences

· Why fully receiving joy can make us feel vulnerable

· How reminiscence allows past experiences to create meaning in the present

· The relationships that quietly change how we notice our own lives

A Question to Carry With You

Who taught you how to notice your own life, and what part of the way they lived has quietly become part of the way you live?

About Evet DeCota

Evet DeCota is the founder of DeCota Life Coaching and host of The Original Self Podcast. She is an International Coaching Federation Associate Certified Coach (ICF ACC) and holds a B.A. in Psychology. Her work is informed by positive psychology, behavior change, emotional regulation, and the belief that growth begins by reconnecting with who we truly are.

For almost forty years, Evet has also worked behind a salon chair as a hairstylist and salon owner. That experience shaped her understanding of identity, resilience, relationships, and the stories people carry. She was voted Best Life Coach 2026 by Pacific Sun.

Connect With Evet

Website: https://www.decotalifecoaching.com

Email: [email protected]

Podcast: Listen to The Original Self Podcast wherever you listen to podcasts, or watch on YouTube.

Coaching: Visit the website to learn more about coaching with Evet and to schedule a discovery call.

Episode 5 of The Original Self Podcast offers an honest, research-backed look at why we avoid the things that matter most to us. The episode begins by distinguishing procrastination from other forms of delay, arguing that not everything we label procrastination actually is procrastination, and that this distinction carries real consequences for how harshly we judge ourselves.

At the heart of the episode is the argument, grounded in the work of Dr. Timothy Pychyl, that procrastination is not a time management problem but an emotional one. We are not avoiding the task. We are avoiding the feeling attached to it. The episode explores the neuroscience behind that pattern, why avoidance is so effective in the short term, and why that effectiveness is precisely what makes it so hard to break.

From there, the conversation moves into what actually gets us unstuck, drawing on the work of David Allen, James Clear, and the framework of Newton's First Law to make the case that clarity and motion matter far more than motivation. Self-Determination Theory and Dr. Kristin Neff's research on self-compassion reveal why self-judgment deepens avoidance rather than correcting it, and why treating yourself with the same kindness you would offer someone you love is not a soft response but a strategic one.

The episode also includes a personal story about an eighteen-month recovery from a serious accident, the shame and procrastination that followed, and the moment that changed everything. It closes with the psychology of identity, the Pygmalion and Golem Effects illustrated through Steph Curry and the pressure of the away team free-throw line, and the question of whose expectations you have quietly made your own.

In this episode of Lessons from Behind the Chair, Evet shares stories from nearly forty years behind the salon chair to explore validation, attention, reassurance, and the quiet ways we seek to feel seen. From repeated selfies to interrupted conversations, she examines how external reassurance, phone distractions, and indirect communication shape our relationships—and asks whether lasting confidence can ever come from someone else.

• Why repeated reassurance often points to something deeper.

• How phone distractions change conversations.

• What 'phubbing' is and why it matters.

• The difference between being seen and feeling seen.

• Why curiosity is often more helpful than judgment.

Research & Psychology Mentioned

• External validation

• Self-objectification

• Phubbing

• Conversational reciprocity •

Conflict avoidance

Reflection Questions

• Where do you most often look for reassurance?

• When do you feel most present with another person?

• What helps reassurance become self-trust?

About the Host

Evet DeCota is an Associate Certified Coach (ACC), psychology graduate, longtime hairstylist, and founder of DeCota Life Coaching.

After nearly four decades listening to people's stories from behind the chair, she now combines psychology, coaching, and lived experience to explore resilience, identity, behavior change, and authentic human connection through The Original Self Podcast.

Connect with Evet

Website: decotalifecoaching.com

Email: [email protected]

Hair can be one of the first visible losses during cancer treatment, but the deeper experience is often one of identity, grief, and learning to recognize yourself through profound change.

In this deeply personal episode of The Original Self Podcast: Lessons from Behind the Chair, Evet shares two unforgettable stories from nearly forty years as a hairstylist. One begins with shaving her sister-in-law's head before chemotherapy. The other follows a woman whose hair grew back—but no longer felt like her own. Through these experiences, Evet explores the psychology of identity, transition, and human connection, revealing why the most meaningful thing we can offer another person isn't always advice or answers—it's our presence. Topics include: • Anticipatory grief • Rites of passage and transitions • Disenfranchised grief • Identity continuity • The power of presence over fixing • Coaching through uncertainty Psychology & Research Referenced: • Pauline Boss — Ambiguous Loss • Arnold van Gennep — The Rites of Passage • Nancy Schlossberg — Transition Theory • Kenneth Doka — Disenfranchised Grief • Erik Erikson — Identity development and continuity Website: decotalifecoaching.com Email: [email protected] Listen wherever you enjoy your favorite podcasts.

This episode begins a new chapter of The Original Self Podcast.

Topics include:

• Stress responses

• Expectation violations

• Attachment and belonging

• Identity threat

• Nervous system regulation

• Reacting vs. responding

• Curiosity over judgment

The real question isn't, 'What's wrong with this person?' It's, 'What might this person be trying to protect?'

Website: decotalifecoaching.com

Email: [email protected]

Listen wherever you enjoy podcasts.

Research Referenced

Lazarus & Folkman – Stress Appraisal Theory

Daniel Kahneman – Fast and Slow Thinking

Carl Rogers – Curiosity

Dan Siegel – Window of Tolerance

Stephen Porges – Polyvagal Theory

Identity Threat Theory

Social Identity Theory

Attachment Theory

Evet DeCota is the owner of DeCota Life Coaching and a psychology-informed life coach exploring resilience, mindset, and the courage to become your authentic self. Between the salon chair and the coaching session, she's spent years watching people move through life in patterns they rarely notice.

This is it, the final episode of A Psychology of Food. Eight episodes ago, this series opened with a question: what happened to us around food? Episode 22 turns that question around and asks it the other way. Who were you before you were taught how to be around food? This episode is about the practice of finding out, and about learning to trust the answer.

In this episode, you'll learn:

● The practical difference between physical hunger and emotional hunger, and where each one tends to register in the body

● Why undereating during the day can produce something that feels exactly like emotional hunger by evening, and why that isn't a willpower problem

● What interoceptive awareness is, and why researchers Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch describe it as something close to a superpower

● Kristin Neff's three components of self-compassion, and why self-compassion is the actual condition that makes listening to your body possible

● Why comfort eating was never the enemy this series was describing, and where the real concern actually lies

● Evet's own closing reflection, including her experience with a GLP-1 medication, what it did and didn't do, and what coming home to herself has looked like

This episode marks the final chapter of A Psychology of Food, an eight-episode series exploring the systems, biology, and psychology that shape our relationship with food. Thank you for listening to the whole arc.

Contact Evet / DeCota Life Coaching

Website: decotalifecoaching.com

Email: [email protected]

Phone: 415-548-1964