How Parental Expectations Shape Our Children’s Futures

A couple of movies were made under this title about twins separated at birth but reunited at summer camp.

They conspire to bring their divorced parents back together.

That’s the fictional parent trap.

The real parent trap is the one where the parents hold the kids responsible for the parents’ behaviors.

The expectations we hold for our children have a profound impact on how their lives unfold, according to life coach Joel Elston. In a thought-provoking conversation with host Walt Thiessen, Joel shared stories from his work with families that highlight how parental expectations can either support a child’s growth or hold them back.

One young man wanted to skip college to pursue a successful online business, but his mother Mary was pushing him to attend the local university due to her own desires and social norms. “Mary was frustrated and resistant to her son’s decision,” Joel recalled. Only after realizing she was projecting her own agenda did Mary apologize and support her son’s choice.

Joel also drew from his experience overcoming addiction alone after alienating his family. “The lack of expectations from others allowed me to focus solely on my recovery,” he noted. Research shows children removed from loving families face bleak outcomes, but Joel believes high expectations can be just as damaging. He cited a neighbor forcing his son Tim into coding classes against his will, comparing him unfairly to another boy.

Parental biases and fears also influence expectations. When Joel’s son TJ was caught with drugs, Joel’s “overreaction was ungodly bad” due to worrying what others might think. Only self-reflection helped Joel prioritize TJ’s well-being over his own ego. He now advocates open communication to understand each side’s perspective.

As Walt pointed out, parents who see their children in a positive light tend to have “good kids,” while negative views become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Both agreed the key is recognizing our expectations and determining if they support the unique individual our child is becoming. By focusing on strengths rather than flaws and accepting our children’s autonomy, parents can empower their futures instead of limiting them.

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