The Parenting Presence

Is your child simply unmotivated? Are they lazy? Is there more to their lack of engagement? In this episode, we talk about the differences between kids who don't do stuff simply because they don't want to and those who would like to, but can't.

These are the kids with avoidant tendencies.

They not only avoid activities that other children would normally avoid — such as chores or homework — but also those activities that would typically be fun and enjoyable. Why is that?

At the core of avoidant tendencies is the child's self-esteem and their sense of worth.

They have learned to hide and avoid discomfort by avoiding anything that is remotely likely to challenge their fragile self-perception. So much so that they are willing to trade fun and enjoyment in return for a sense of comfort.

Tune into this episode to find out how to tell the difference between laziness and avoidant tendency. And also, what to do to reduce them.

Need more ideas?

Sign up here for the Emotionally Intelligent Parenting training.

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

How do we resolve a lack of motivation in our children?

It is not enough to be frustrated with our children or be disappointed in them. Although the feelings are completely justified, they do not make things happen. To see more motivated children, we need to put in a bit of effort to help them.

There is no quick fix. Developing independence is a developmental process that takes time. But we can and should facilitate it.

Of course you can try and use a trick — such as natural consequences (positive or negative) — to encourage the child to complete tasks. But although using natural consequences it is OK, it is a short-lived strategy. It will get a task done, but it will not lead to a child developing a sense of autonomy and motivation.

Initiative and independence — are internal states driven by internal motivation, so creating external rewards is not going to develop these internal drivers for action. So how do you motivate a child who does not show motivation?

There are 7 basic principles behind motivation for non-preferred tasks. If you put these into practice, you will see a huge difference. If you ignore them, you are more likely to face resistance from your child and see more "lazy" behavior or avoidance of particular tasks. So keep these in mind as you encourage your child to be more willing to take action:

1. Humans like to do things that make them feel good.
2. No one likes negative consequences. So don't overdo it.
3. Timing is everything.
4. Model what you'd like to see.
5. Choice is everything.
6. Ability is key.
7. Done is better than perfect.

We look at some examples and how these principles apply. Tune in for the full conversation and share this episode with others!

Need more ideas?

Sign up here for the Emotionally Intelligent Parenting training.

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

We've all done it. At one time or another, we have compared our children to someone else's. How many times have we said, "Look at so-and-so, why can't you be like them?" Even though never said with an ill intent, comparing children leads to poor self-esteem.

A few takeaways from this episode:

• Before the child can look to someone else as a role model and feel inspired to do what they do, they need to have a strong sense of self-worth already instilled in them.
• The child relies on our approval and feedback, in order to know how to feel about what they are doing.
• If we talk by ways of comparison we come across judgmental and this will create an inner critic in the child's private world of thoughts and feelings.
• When someone else's praise and opinion has been given the power to motivate, it will equally gain the power to deflate and to put down.

That is the ultimate cost of comparison. Let us do what we can to keep our children away from the comparison trap. Let us not set them up for failure before they have experienced success.

Need more ideas?

Sign up here for the Emotionally Intelligent Parenting training.

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

Sometimes you are just spent and have nothing to give. Sometimes, even if you'd like to be there for your child, you just can't. Whatever the reason, sometimes we are not there for our children when they need us. Is that a problem?

We've talked before about how important it is to take care of your child's needs.

Getting needs met is a critical part of our child's development, on many levels. We also talked about the difference between the needs and the wants, so that meeting the child's needs becomes easier. Meeting the child's needs takes priority over fulfilling every wish and want they may have, and our responsibility as parents is to take care of the child's needs, even when we cannot satisfy their wants.

But what happens when the needs of the child are not met?

Does that make you a bad parent? Does that make you neglectful and what consequences does that have on your child's development? Say your child is thirsty and you have nothing to offer them… Then what? Or they really need your support and comfort, and you are not around… Then what?

Are you failing as a parent?

What happens when we are unable to get our child's needs met, depends on a few factors. Knowing how important it is to have the child's needs met, makes us wonder — or worry — about those times when we fail to do that. How bad is it when the child's needs are not met? The answer is — it depends. It may have negative consequences and it may not. It depends on the situation and how it is handled.

And that is exactly what we explore in today's episode.

Need more ideas?

Sign up here for the Emotionally Intelligent Parenting training.

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

Staying connected with our children is important. But what does it even mean? What does connection look like when it's there, and how do we know when it's missing?

Lack of connection is evident in our difficulty to have an impact on our children either with words or actions. That is what we see at the surface. What creates a strong connection?

In today's episode, I am offering a shift in perspective that may give you a very clear look as to what connection is and what it is built on. I hope that seeing connection from this perspective will help you tell how things are going between you and your child, as well as what you may want to do if you feel like improvements may be needed.

Need more ideas?

Sign up here for the Emotionally Intelligent Parenting training.

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

We often think that it is the limits that children resist, when in fact it is the power and control we exert over them that they don't welcome.

Your child has will power, just as do you.

When we over-control children, we end up with power struggles. In order to have limits without the power struggles, we need to empower our children and give them the sense of control. That is accomplished through a diplomatic approach, that sees the child as a separate individual with their own drive and wants.

Additional Episodes to revisit that help build foundation for limit setting:

036: Managing Expectations With Children

030: Meeting the Child's Needs vs. Bending to Their Wishes

026: The Right Balance of Freedoms and Limits

025: Dynamics of Respect Between Parents & Children

020: How to Affirm and Validate Your Child

Need more ideas?

Sign up here for the Emotionally Intelligent Parenting training.

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

When children are well-regulated, we spend less time regulating them. Less time spent on tantrums and arguments, means more time for us and for ourselves.

When we invest a bit of time upfront, we get our time back.

So how do we do that? To help children be more balanced and well-adjusted, we show them that they matter and are important to us. We do that by giving them our time and attention. This is also known as "holding space" and creating quality moments that can last from a short few minutes and much longer.

Lack of time boundaries may hold us back from making time.

We may be hesitant to engage with the child and struggle holding that space for them, because we worry that it may take too much time. We may feel uncomfortable wrapping up and moving on, and that can prevent us from truly engaging with children in a meaningful way.

In this conversation we talk about how to set comfortable time limits around your attention and how to transition out of holding space in two ways:

• Indirect transitions
• Direct closures

Sign up here for the Emotionally Intelligent Parenting training.

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

When we feel frustrated and exhausted with our child's behavior, we may be attributing our feelings to the way our child behaves. But why do our children behave the way they do?

Often an answer to that is poor boundaries.

Lack of good boundaries in a Parent-Child relationship can lead to frustration, burnout, and even resentment. Very often we tend to attribute poor boundaries in that relationship to our children, and when we do that, it makes us feel powerless to change our dynamic.

And yes, it's true, children have a poor sense of boundaries. Why? Because they were born without them. At the same time, it is our responsibility to show where our boundaries are and teach our children to respect them.

When we do that -- when we protect our boundaries -- we accomplish two things:

• We feel more empowered, grounded, and in control
• We help our child develop a Sense of Self

Sign up here for the Emotionally Intelligent Parenting training.

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

Expectations and limits can send out kids into resistance and tantrums... How well your child is following expectations and limits you set for them, depends on three important keys:

• How reasonable these limits are
• The quality of our relationship with the child
• How repetitive and consistent are these limits

If the child is not following expectations we already set for them, the likelihood that they will comply with even more expectations — is miniscule. So before we set new limits, we need to troubleshoot our previous efforts by focusing on these three keys: Reason, Relationship, and Repetition.​

You might be wondering... If consistency, routines, and rules are so important, why do our children constantly challenge them?

Actually, children do not challenge the limits themselves (unless these limits are developmentally not appropriate), but the way they are set. If there is a tension and a conflict surrounding the limit, the child will be less agreeable to follow through.

What can help us get to the other side and reach compliance? Relationship, reasonable limits, and expectations that are part of a routine (i.e., consistent).

Sign up here for the Emotionally Intelligent Parenting training.

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com

Do you have a lazy kid? How can you tell? If any of the following is true, today's conversation may be for you:

• If your child never tidies up their room and it always looks like a tornado zone
• If every chore you ask their help with is declined with disgust
• If there is no school subject your child does well in, despite adequate abilities
• If your child is avoiding anything that requires thinking or concentrated effort
• If the child shows no perseverance and gives up as soon as failure is sensed
• If the child can never decide for themselves and shows no will power
• And if all of these things are typical for your child and is not an occasional behavior...

...then, let's face it — something is wrong and this conversation is for you.

• So how do we end up with a "lazy" kid?
• And what do we do about it?

Tune in to find out.

Sign up here for the Emotionally Intelligent Parenting training.

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com