The Parenting Presence

Today we dive into the topic of Emotional Contagion. We discuss:

• what it is
• why it happens
• when it's more likely to occur
• who is more susceptible to it

It is challenging to process negative emotions, but when it so happens that those emotions are not even ours, we may find ourselves overburdened, unable to function, and even in panic. These are the detrimental effects of emotional contagion, but they are completely preventable.

The antidote to emotional contagion is — emotional resilience.

Emotional resilience is built on self-awareness and emotional regulation. And it is supported by our emotional boundaries. I walk you through four critical points of emotional boundaries and emotional resilience, to get you thinking and strengthening your emotional world.

As part of this conversation, I talk you through an experiment and ask you to notice what happens to your face when you look at the images mentioned in this Episode:

And the image from Episode 022:

Sign up here for the Emotionally Intelligent Parenting training.

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

More info at theparentingpresence.com

We want our children to feel good about themselves? Are pats on the back enough? Will praise do the work? What to do when they are down on themselves?

The tricky thing about self-esteem is that the process of developing self-esteem is mostly internal — it is based on beliefs and perceptions the child has of themselves. And a lot of that happens to go on inside their minds.

Still there is a lot you can do as a parent. Instead of looking for artificial "boosters," we can focus on providing the environment where the child is being seen and can — therefore — see themselves in true objective light as someone who is important, valuable, and worthy.

If self-esteem is formed based on beliefs children have about themselves, then how do they come to form those beliefs?

And what can we do to ensure they see them as worthy and valuable despite set-backs and regardless of their accomplishments?

Tune into this episode to find out! Also, make sure to grab this PDF guide on Boosting Self-Esteem. In it, you will find a set of questions to help you assess whether your child seems to have low self esteem. There is also set of prompts and suggestions of actions to take for better and stronger self-esteem in your child.

Sign up here for the Emotionally Intelligent Parenting training.

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

More info at theparentingpresence.com

Living free of parenting guilt does not make you irresponsible. Quite the opposite — it makes you responsible for the right things.

You already carry a lot as a parent, so why torment yourself on top of it with guilt? The consequences of parenting that is driven by guilt are pretty serious. To name a few:

❌ We are not our best selves when we carry the burden of guilt. ❌ We don't give children what they need because we misinterpret their behavior. ❌ We are at risk for burnout. ❌ We build up resentment and are prone to anger.

I think anger, and especially suppressed anger, is a huge consequence of guilt that is often underestimated. Needless to say, we need a solution. You can let go of guilt in 4 Steps:

📌 Understand the cost of guilt 📌 Prioritize needs over vague expectations 📌 Set healthy boundaries 📌 Re-evaluate standards & focus on values​

Want to learn more about emotions and how to use them to your benefit? Sign up here for the Emotionally Intelligent Parenting training.

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

More info at theparentingpresence.com

Parent guilt is a huge issue and parenting from that place is a huge problem. Bigger than we think. It compromises our mental health. It also gets in the way of us enjoying parenting. But did you know that carrying the burden of guilt is optional?

What if things were different...

They can be! Even though the feeling of guilt is inevitable when we first become parents, it does not need to be permanent. Instead of dwelling on guilt, which is unproductive & harmful for our mental health, we can learn to understand its nature, spot it when it appears, and instead choose to focus on things that do actually matter to us. But first, you need to:

Know the difference between Regret and Guilt.

Regret is a functional feeling. It tells you something was mis-aligned in your actions and values, and it helps you decide what to do in the future. Guilt, on the other hand, keeps you stuck in a vague sense of obligation to do something you are not inclined to do.

Unlike guilt, regret tells you that something that important and valuable to you has been neglected. It tells you how to get back on track. There will be things in our parenting we truly deep down in our heart wish we had done differently. And we can! Regretting a choice helps you see what you can do next time.

Reflecting on our mistakes and mis-steps is part of learning and becoming better in our parenting role. Regret says: Hey, we can do better here, you owe it to yourself... Guilt says:Hey, it's expected you step up, it is your obligation no matter how you feel about it! Which voice would you rather tune into?

So, ditch the guilt and embrace regret!

Regret is concerned with your true Values, but guilt has an agenda of serving someone else's interest. Unlike regret, guilt does not give us a clear sense of action for the future. We are trapped feeling both like we did the right thing and the wrong thing at the same time. Ugh…

To move past the heavy and oppressive feeling of Guilt, we need to be able to tell it apart from Regret. Since guilt often feels like regret, I show you how to tell the difference in this episode. Have a listen!

Sign up here for the Emotionally Intelligent Parenting training.

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

More info at theparentingpresence.com

Being acknowledged and validated is such a reaffirming and deeply positive experience. It is empowering and supportive. It is critical for our mental health. If you have felt this before, you know how important it is for our mental health — feeling good, accepted, and recognized.

And, it is just as significant for our children.

Not only do they get to feel this way too, but it actually goes deeper than that. Validation and acknowledgement shapes their psychological boundaries, their Sense of Self, and their Self-Esteem.

Even when we understand how important validation is, the problem we face is that we don't quite know how to do it. Unless, once again, we have experienced it before.

Examples might be helpful, right?

I think so too, and so I made this PDF guide for you. In it, you will find many examples on how to offer acknowledgement and validation. And I also show you what the opposite of that — what a dismissive response may sound like (even when it is well intended).

Sign up here for the Emotionally Intelligent Parenting training.

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

More info at theparentingpresence.com

Parents generally are more likely to talk about physical boundaries with children, than they are about psychological ones. And this is understandable, because we want to teach children to be safe and know how to stay away from unwanted touch.

But it is just as important to be able to detect any kind of unwanted interactions.

Children need to be able to respond to inappropriate behavior towards them and be able to tell if they are treated with respect. Knowing what is unwanted comes from knowing what is within one's comfort zone.​

Children are not born with the sense of boundaries, but they do have a natural tendency for them.

That is where the need to do things their own way comes from, as is their adamant and unyielding "no" when they first learn to say it. And the reason that this tendency is natural is because psychological boundaries protect our Sense of Self (which is what makes us human and different from other animals).

So when we are asking if the child needs psychological boundaries, it is the same as asking, whether they need a Sense of Self. Without the sense of Self, the child cannot have Self-esteem. ​

The child's Self-Esteem depends on boundaries.

Boundaries shape a healthy personality. But even though the tendency for boundaries is natural, children do not always know to protect one's space, be it physical or mental is natural. They need help and also need to be taught the skills of asserting boundaries and protecting them for the sake of their mental health.

The most simple way to teach boundaries is through respect.

Self-esteem is directly tied to self-respect, which has its origins in being treated with respect as a child. And being treated respectfully by others means that the child's personal boundaries are respected, which starts at home and gets reinforced at home. ​

So even though self-esteem is something we cannot directly shape or influence, self-respect is in fact something we can teach and model directly by being respectful towards our children.​

Sign up here for the Emotionally Intelligent Parenting training.

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

More info at theparentingpresence.com

When we notice our child not having confidence to do something, we begin to worry that their self-esteem is low and that we need to do something about raising it.

Is there a way to raise the child's self-esteem? There sure is, but it is not about giving the child a compliment or showering them with praise.

Building self-esteem is a slow process that the child goes through independently.

Of course, there is something we can contribute. We can support them. But we cannot raise self-esteem on our child's behalf. It is the inner work of the child forming their self-perception. However, our consistent approach and confidence in our children, will create an environment where they are free to be themselves and feel good about themselves.

There is a difference between our child's assessment of themselves and our own perception of their assessment.

This is another important point to consider. And so before we get concerned about how to raise the child's self-esteem, we need to first clarify whether there is a need for that. How accurately are we interpreting what we see our child do or not do? In today's episode, I invite you to consider a set of questions around our children's self-esteem and the part we play.

Sign up here to get invited to the Emotionally Intelligent Parenting training.

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

More info at theparentingpresence.com

Do you protect your own boundaries? If yes, then you know the value of teaching the same skills and awareness to your children. For these essential lessons, it is never too late to start, but the earlier we start — the better.

Where would you even begin?

How to teach boundaries to children?

Isn't it such an abstract concept?

It can be tricky to wrap your head around psychological boundaries — the ones that have to do with our Self, our inner world. These boundaries would have to do with the way we experience things, our emotions, thoughts, etc. But the good news is that physical boundaries are easier to identify and teach to children, and — most importantly — they are the foundation for the psychological boundaries.

That means that physical boundaries is the place to start.

And so in today's episode, we explore examples of physical boundaries. These include more tangible things like, things, space, body, etc. We also discuss the two very important components of teaching boundaries, which are modeling boundaries and using clear language around boundaries that a child can understand.

Sign up here to get invited to the Emotionally Intelligent Parenting training.

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach

More info at theparentingpresence.com

Did you know that boundaries and having the sense of boundaries is a big deal? It is the one thing that defines a healthy personality and plays a major role in the person's Sense of Self.

Because it takes time to raise a child, we need more time to teach boundaries.

And because it takes time for children to develop their sense of self, we need to give them plenty of opportunities to experience their own boundaries within the world of others.

A person with a weak sense of self and a weak personality will have a hard time negotiating social interactions and relationships with other people. Why? Because when we have poor sense of boundaries, the lines between what others believe, feel, need, etc. get blurred with our own, which can be confusing at best and overwhelming at its worst.

Teaching boundaries early also has great benefits to you as a parent. When we teach boundaries to our children, we learn and relearn the importance of boundaries for our own ourselves as well. When parents have healthy boundaries it makes the work of parenting easier and guilt-free.

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist/Parent Coach

More info: theparentingpresence.com

If you know that emotions are important, what do you do with them?

If you know that emotional regulation is a skill, what does it accomplish?

And if you know there is a way to process what you are feeling, how exactly do you do that?

This is not a test.

But it is important to know the answers to these questions, because it makes your parenting more enjoyable and has an impact on the rest of your life.

When we talk about emotional regulation, we focus on the children and their skill set. But parents also need to know how to process their own feelings, before they can help their children.

Emotions are your personal power, they are the energy behind your Parenting Presence. You access the power of your emotions through emotional regulation, which we need just as much as our children. It is all about the ability to identify unmet needs and taking care of them. It is not about "sitting with" the emotion and waiting for it to pass.

We talk about that and more, and I also invite you to the Emotionally Intelligent Parenting project.

More about the show at theparentingpresence.com

Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach