A half-hour- long Tuesday Twopenny Terrible Minisode IN WHICH —

0:03:00: ARTICLE from the TERRIFIC REGISTER, Page 12:

• We hear of a Scottish nobleman who's gifted with the Second Sight, whose friends appear before him immediately after death ...

0:07:10: SPRING-HEEL'D JACK, Ch. 15:

• At the small boat, two rough sailors take Ellen Folder from Jack and invite him to climb aboard after them and join them in a glass of grog. Instead, Jack swims back to the barge to retrieve his cloak. There is no sign of the barge guard and Jack hopes he has not drowned.

• Then he is hailed by a trio of river police. They of course are eager to arrest him! Will they succeed? There are three of them and he has been swimming around all night! We shall see …

PLUS —

• Learn the meaning of "strike-me-dead," "red tape," and a few other words of highway-robber slang, and ...
• A thieves' song (so we are told) about the "New Dancing Academy," the treadmill installed at Brixton Prison in 1818.

Join host Finn J.D. John. for a one-hour-long spree through the scandal-sheets and story papers of old London! Grab a flicker of blue ruin, unload your stumps, and let's go!

SPONSORED BY Barouches and Bids! Today’s episode is sponsored by Barouches and Bids, which is Sir Doug’s online carriage auction website for Victorian enthusiast conveyances. Barouches and Bids has around 6 dozen registered users, all participating in our auctions of cool exciting special carriages, like THIS lively 1827 gig, THIS rakish 1834 Phaeton, THIS stately 1844 Landau, and THIS respectable 1840 Brougham.

If you’re looking to buy or sell an enthusiast conveyance from the Victorian era, do it on Barouches and Bids dot com!

IN WHICH —

0:04:15: ARTICLE from the TERRIFIC REGISTER, Page 14:

• The prince of Saxony, we are told, asked a student of magic to raise the spirit of his rich deceased uncle so he could ask him where he hid his treasure. It did not go quite as the prince had hoped ...

0:14:00: THE BLACK BAND, Ch. 15:

• We see Lolota Vizzini, the Star of the Ballet, relaxing at her Arlington Street house, being sad because Lord Lionel (who, you remember, became an accessory to his brother's murder to inherit his estate) didn’t come to the opera that night. She has clearly developed a bad case for him. Then Lord Lionel races up to her house in a cabriolet! He has a proposal for her … come run away with me to some foreign land and we will pose as husband and wife! Will she say yes to this scandalous proposal? But soft: whose step is that outside the chamber door? Is that Colonel Mephistopholes?

0:34:30: ROSE MORTIMER; or, THE BALLET-GIRL'S REVENGE, Ch. 4 :

• In this chapter, we see Count Lerno in his drawing-room preparing for a fancy party. He’s steaming open packs of playing-cards and marking them. Then we cut to the party. We meet a man named Captain Roper, who seems to be working with Count Lerno; and a baronet named Sir Harold King, who just inherited a fortune, and he seems to be the mark. But he’s not as dumb as he seems, and he’s looking hard at Captain Roper … does he suspect him? Will he catch on to the swindle? What will happen if he does?

PLUS —

• Learn the meaning of "owlers," "out-and-outers," "rattling gloaks," "dub the jigger," "on the cross," and a few other words of highway-robber slang, and ...
• A thieves' song (so we are told) about the "New Dancing Academy," the treadmill installed at Brixton Prison in 1818.

Join host Finn J.D. John. for a one-hour-long spree through the scandal-sheets and story papers of old London! Grab a flicker of blue ruin, unload your stumps, and let's go!

SPONSORED BY Baron Ruggum's Cryptocurrency Rentals! Do you need to pose as a baller for the night? For a fee of just 80 guineas, two tanners and a mag, Baron Ruggum will launch an ICO for your very own rental memecoin and pump the market cap up over $1 billion, so that you can present yourself as a billionaire for the night. Just think of the doors that will open for you, the connections you can make, the marks you can fleece with your YouTube videos!

IN WHICH —

0:06:50: SWEENEY TODD, Ch. 53:

• In this chapter, Johanna grows maudlin and overwrought and starts wallowing in self-pity, and is nearly unbearable, even for her best friend Arabella. Arabella suggests they go for a walk; Johanna insists that it be in Fleet-street, and that they walk back and forth past Sweeney Todd’s shop door the whole time. Will he notice? What will happen?

0:26:50: ARTICLE from the TERRIFIC REGISTER, Page 10:

• In this short article from an 1825 true-crime journal, we have a ghost story — a legend of a haunted castle, the ghost of which appears to the Marquis of Londonderry one night.

0:41:00: BLACK BESS (starring Highwayman Dick Turpin), Ch. 15:

• In this chapter, A large party of policemen bursts into the room. They go straight to Turpin and seize him, they’re obviously mostly interested in him. A wild scuffle ensues, in the course of which Turpin manages to get to the door and, seeing the front door guarded by four cops, dashes up the stairs to the bedrooms. Will he be able to get away onto the rooftops? Or will he be trapped upstairs in this house like a rat? We’ll find out!

PLUS —

• Learn the meaning of "up the spout," "anglers," "pinks of fashion," "clankers," "heavy wet," "ack pirate," "iron doublets," "laced women," "a flicker or two," "greenbags," "shop lobbers," and a few other words of highway-robber slang, plus a quick mention of a few bits of the rhyming-slang lingo that replaced Flash after it became too well known to be useful for the underworld characters who used it professionally ....

Join host Finn J.D. John. for a one-hour-long spree through the story papers of old London! Grab a flicker of blue ruin, unload your stumps, and let's go!

SPONSORED BY Raid Shadow Legends Cow-Clicker Legacy Edition, one of the biggest mobile cow-clicking games of our time, and it's totally free! Currently almost 10 million cows have been clicked by Milkmaid users over the last six months, and it's one of the most impressive games in the cow-clicking class! Download and click your first cow today!

IN WHICH —

0:05:30: MYSTERIES OF LONDON, Ch. 3:

• In this chapter, we see this interesting youth having determined on a desperate attempt to flee the house when when one of the ruffians spots him, as you’ll recall from the last chapter. The youth knows he must flee for his life; but, can he? What will be his fate? Also, is he really a boy, or a woman in boy's clothes? If the latter, why?

0:17:00: ARTICLE from the TERRIFIC REGISTER, Page 9:

• In this short article from an 1825 true-crime journal, we are told of a pious man, much loved in his church, but who lives a secret life as a predator, luring poor girls into his house with promises of jobs and then imprisoning them as prostitutes; and how the "pious" man was unmasked an brought to justice.

0:23:00: VARNEY THE VAMPYRE, Ch. 15:

• In this chapter, two new characters enter our story by checking into the Nelson’s Arms in the nearby town of Uxotter. These are Admiral Bell, a retired Navy officer of about 70; and Jack Pringle, a seaman of the classic “Jack Tar” type. Admiral Bell is Charles Holland’s uncle; and he has been summoned by a letter warning him that his beloved nephew was about to enter into a relationship with a highly objectionable girl from a family a member of which is a vampire, and marrying into a vampire family would be a real disaster for everyone. The letter urges Admiral Bell to come to Uxotter, collect his wandering nephew, and save him from the dreadful fate of becoming a blood donor to his own brood of blood-drinkers …. So, will it work? Haha, we shall see!

PLUS —

• Learn the meaning of "leg bail," "ladybirds," "lumber coves," "victualling-office," "resurrection-man," "jemmy," "oaks and roses," "a nipperkin," and a few other words of highway-robber slang!

Join host Finn J.D. John. for a one-hour-long spree through the story papers of old London! Grab a flicker of blue ruin, unload your stumps, and let's go!

SPONSORED BY Duke FitzPumpin of Dumpington’s Cryptocurrency Rental Exchange. Why spend years sucking up to some tech bro to become a bitcoin billionaire to impress the ladies when you can rent what you need to look like a baller from Duke Pumpydump?

IN WHICH —

0:07:30: SPRING-HEEL'D JACK, Ch. 14:

• We return to Spring-Heel’d Jack plunging into the dark filthy waters of the Thames, in a quest to save poor Ellen Folder from the consequences of her rash act in leaping to her death. He comes to the surface and finds the tidal current is fierce, and strikes out in search of the girl. He sees her about to get sucked under a barge that’s moored in the stream, but he reaches her a moment too late; to avoid being sucked under the barge, he grabs it and climbs aboard. Then, hearing Ellen calling, he hurries to the other side; but there’s a guard on the barge who thinks he is a thief! Will he reach the poor drowning girl in time to save her life?

0:28:00: THE BALLET-GIRL'S REVENGE, Ch. 14:

• In this chapter, Rose goes back to the theater to try again to talk her way into a show-biz job. Just as she is being repulsed, Jack Halliday appears and squires her to the manager’s door, past the screeners. She is conveyed into the manager’s presence; the manager is there with another man in the room. He tells her to get lost, but just then the other man turns around and hey, it’s Count Lerno! Count Lerno, of course, urges the manager to take Rose on. The manager does. As Rose is leaving, she tells Jack Halliday of her good fortune, and he is delighted, but warns her not to trust Count Lerno.

• Back home, Rose sees evil parson Abel Booth leaving her house door. Entering, she asks her father what Abel was doing, and Hugh realizes Abel was spying on him. Hugh clearly knows some kind of showdown is coming, and he blames Rose for it: “It is your namby-pamby modesty that has brought this evil down on me.” Apparently she was supposed to allow Abel Booth to ravish her the previous day, and he is now angry because she did not. Thanks a lot, Dad ....
• Now looking out the window, he sees Abel Booth and two other men on the sidewalk looking up at them. Hugh knows this means the hour has come, so he orders Rose up into her room and locks her in, and gets an old-fashioned pistol out of a hidden cubby in the floor. A showdown is about to happen. Will he survive it? If he does not, will she?

PLUS —

• Learn the meaning of "a gent from the Spice Islands," "studying botany," "flash covesses," "gravel-tax collectors," "barking-irons," "pins," "flickers," "the diamond squad," and a few other words of highway-robber slang!

Join host. Finn J.D. John. for a one-hour-long spree through the story papers of old London! Grab a flicker of blue ruin, unload your stumps, and let's go!

SPONSORED BY ROYAL LEGACY AUTHENTIC TITLES: Did you know that for less than the price of a used Tesla Cybertruck, you can become a real, actual, totally-legit King or Queen? That's right, you can be crowned as supreme ruler of your very own little kingdom consisting of one square foot of land in the Metaverse! Don't waste another day being a lowly peasant. Get your Royal Title today for less than the cost of a used Cybertruck!

IN WHICH —

0:06:30: SPONSORED BY HONEYBUNNY!

• It's a FREE browser app that searches for online coupons, but whether it finds any or not, it also opens a transdimensional rift through which springs a cute blonde with a short skirt and a snubnosed .38, who will help you negotiate a personal discount on the spot. Download it today and start saving for free!

0:10:00: BLACK BESS (feat. Highwayman Dick Turpin), Ch. 14:

• Dick brings Sir Theodore Houghton to the thieves’ rookery in an obscure house in Soho and they set up a sort of kangaroo court to “try” him. One of the other thieves gives evidence, he having once been Sir T’s law clerk until he was foolish enough to fall in love with the magistrate’s daughter. Naturally, Sir Theodore didn’t fancy the idea of his daughter marrying a lowly law clerk. What do you suppose he did about it? Well, we’ll find out today; but the fact that the clerk is now a wanted criminal and a member of the “family” might give you some idea that it was nothing good!

0:33:15: THE BLACK BAND, Ch. 14:

• We see Lord Lionel Brothersbane coming onto Lolota Vizzini, clearly he’s marked her out as his rebound girl. Then we cut to Lady Edith Merton in her boudoir at her rich husband’s Park Lane house. She’s sitting there feeling sorry for herself when Colonel Mephistopholes shows up. He says he’s there on Lord Lionel’s behalf; then, as if casually changing the subject to a wholly unrelated topic, he asks her if her new husband has gotten around to making a will leaving all his money to her. She says he has. He asks her if she would take one audacious step to free herself from this odious marriage and take her rightful place as marchioness of Willoughby … well … will she? We shall see. But I bet you can guess, if you’ve been following this story, what she will say.

PLUS —

• Learn the meaning of "greeks," "buzmen," "fly doxies," "rum corinthians," "donutmongers," "crank," and a few other words of highway-robber slang!

Join host. Finn J.D. John. for a one-hour-long spree through the story papers of old London! Grab a flicker of blue ruin, unload your stumps, and let's go!

IN WHICH —

0:07:00: THE MYSTERIES OF LONDON, Ch. 2:

• Having ducked into a strange house to escape the rain just before someone came home, the well-dressed youth scampers upstairs ahead of the newcomers and ducks into the farthest room. Luckily the newcomers enter the other room, and light a candle, and start taking some refreshments; but then the lad overhears them talking of burglaries, and murders, and a trap-door in the house that dead bodies once were flung down into the River Fleet, which runs subterraneously under the house … the youth is desperate to get out, but he can’t leave without them seeing him! Is he stuck? Will he be discovered and caught and killed?

0:25:30: VARNEY THE VAMPYRE, Ch. 14:

• Sir Francis Varney brings wine out for Henry and Mr. Marchdale, but does not drink any himself. Henry, increasingly convinced Varney is in fact a vampire – the vampire – struggles and dithers as Marchdale tries to help him hold himself together. He wonders if he has a duty to destroy the vampire. Then Marchdale helpfully reminds Henry that poor Flora, having been bitten by a vampire, may be turning into one too …

0:55:30: SWEENEY TODD, Ch. 52:

• Sir Richard Blunt descends into the vaults, followed reluctantly by the beadle and churchwarden. Soon figuring out they are going to be more hinderance than help, Sir Richard hurries ahead, leaving them in darkness… so, what will he find down there? We’ll be finding out soon …

(Sponsored by SIR BERTRAM'S AUTHENTIC ROYAL TITLES! For less than the price of a coach-and-four, YOU can become a Marquis, Earl, or even Duke. Don't waste another minute being a humble peasant! Claim your Royal Title today!)

PLUS —

• Learn what "Mill clapper," "quail pipe," "red rag," "phizog," "hop merchants," "cakey flats," "red thunder," "grunters," "mags," and a few other words meant, in highway-robber slang!

Join Professor Flash, a.k.a. Finn J.D. John. for a 90-minute spree through the story papers of old London! Grab a flicker of blue ruin, unload your stumps, and let's go!

IN WHICH —

0:6:00: BLACK BESS (Highwayman Dick Turpin), Ch.13:

• This week in Black Bess, we’ll finally get to see Dick Turpin do his legendary “stand and deliver” thing! The fellow he robs, though, will turn out to be a bit of a handful, even for Dick. But the upshot is, Dick has a guest to present to the banquet of the "family" of outlaws and criminals ... a very, very reluctant guest!

0:21:00: THE BLACK BAND, Ch. 13:

• This week in The Black Band, the world’s stupidest marquis comes dashing up to Lady Edith Vandeleur’s house at midnight, ready to take her away to the alter! Alas, he’s 12 hours too late! Did Lord Lionel contrive the murder of his brother for nought? Or is this, too, a problem that Colonel Bertrand can murder his way out of? Stay tuned, my nabs, this one is hotting right up.

0:45:15: SPRING-HEEL'D JACK, Ch. 13:

• In Spring Heeld Jack, we’ll meet a ballet-girl — yes, another ballet girl! And in just about the same situation, too, as a dashing and dissipated libertine is stalking her home from the ballet, crooning sweet persuasion at her … how far do you think he’ll be willing to go to, um, win her, uh, love? And will Spring-heel’d Jack be able to save her in time if he decides to subject her to (cue theatre organ music) A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH? We shall soon see!

1:08:30: ROSE MORTIMER, Ch. 1-2:

• Our latest Penny Dreadful, and oh! what a Dreadful it is! In Chapter 1, we’ll meet our noble, virtuous heroine shrieking for help as a debauched parson attempts to ravish her in the street. Naturally, a brave and hard-fisted rescuer appears and saves the day! But something's wrong. Why won't she let her rescuer punch the evil parson again? We'll soon learn ...
• In Chapter 2, we’ll meet Rose's father, a brute and a criminal who is actively trying to broker her favors to the debauched preacher who attacked her. He is very angry with her for fighting him off. And, who is the tall, dark, handsome stranger with the fabulous mustache who is visiting her father, and what could he want? From the wolfish glance he gives her on his way out, we can pretty well guess …

PLUS —

• Learn what "Cock your leg and cry sugar," "Pockets to let," "Stony," "Virtue Rewarded," "Prigging," "Wedge," "Gentry ken," "Tip the velvet," and "Billing and Cooing" meant, in highway-robber slang! (Along with "bum'd," "pinched," "nabbed," "touched," and "spoke to," all of which mean the same as "Virtue Rewarded.")

Join Professor Flash, a.k.a. Finn J.D. John. for a 90-minute spree through the story papers of old mid-Victorian London, circa 1865! Fill up a tumbler of blackstrap, unload your stumps, and let's go!

This episode is sponsored by Baron FitzPumpington of Dumpquist's Crypto Rental Agency, by appointment to His Royal Highness Himself! Need to pose as a baller for the night? For only 80 guineas, Baron Pumpy will launch an ICO for your very own memecoin and pump the market cap up over $1 billion so that you can present yourself as a billionaire for the night! Don't delay, rent YOUR billion-dollar memecoin today!

IN WHICH —

0:13:00: THE MYSTERIES OF LONDON, Prologue and Ch. 1:

• We are introduced to a very young, delicate youth in riding attire, trying to find his way home across Smithfield Market as a terrible storm threatens. Ducking into a doorway to escape the rain, he finds himself inside an abandoned house. Then he hears footsteps – someone is coming in after him …

0:35:20: VARNEY THE VAMPYRE, Ch. 13:

• Henry Bannerworth calls upon his new neighbor, Sir Francis Varney, to talk about selling or leasing Bannerworth Hall to him … and when they see him they are shocked to discover that he is the exact image of the sinister portrait that hangs in Flora’s bedchamber …

1:03:20: SWEENEY TODD, Ch. 51:

• We see Sir Richard Blunt meeting up with some authorities from St. Dunstan’s Church for a late-night exploration of the vaults below, with an eye toward solving the mystery of the horrid smell that’s been filling the church. Sir Richard seems to think he knows what they’re going to find … we’ll see!

PLUS —

• Learn what "Count cards," "Cousin Betties," "Nubbing Coves," "Craping Curls," "Sluicery," "Index," Autem Bawlers," "Tulips of the Goes," "Free and Easy," and "Bits of Blood" meant, in highway-robber slang!

Join Professor Flash, a.k.a. Finn J.D. John. for a 90-minute spree through the story papers of old London! Grab a flicker of blue ruin, unload your stumps, and let's go!

PART 3 OF 3 PARTS ... IN WHICH we finish our exploration of a fascinating little guidebook for all aspiring Swell Coves, from 1840. It’s titled “Hints to Men-About-Town,” and was written by an anonymous knight of the lancet and bleeding-cup who identifies himself only as “The Old Medical Student.”

THIS EPISODE is crammed with 185-year-old tips on how to prevent the many social, emotional, and especially medical issues that can challenge a fast young rake due to — hmm, how do I put this delicately? —excessive enjoyment of the company of friendly ladies.

That sounds like it should be great fun, but well, the stakes were a lot higher for the sexually rambunctious of both sexes in that pre-antibiotic, pre-birth-control era ... so, I am sad to report, this chapter is a lot more serious and buzzkill-ish than you might be expecting it to be.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MY GENTLEMAN READERS: Prithee heed well the hint to skip ahead 60 seconds that appears around the 21:30 mark, lest thou shouldst find thyself clutching thy nether nubbins and moaning softly to thyself in vicarious agony for the remainder of the episode ...