IN WHICH —

0:13:00: THE MYSTERIES OF LONDON, Prologue and Ch. 1:

• We are introduced to a very young, delicate youth in riding attire, trying to find his way home across Smithfield Market as a terrible storm threatens. Ducking into a doorway to escape the rain, he finds himself inside an abandoned house. Then he hears footsteps – someone is coming in after him …

0:35:20: VARNEY THE VAMPYRE, Ch. 13:

• Henry Bannerworth calls upon his new neighbor, Sir Francis Varney, to talk about selling or leasing Bannerworth Hall to him … and when they see him they are shocked to discover that he is the exact image of the sinister portrait that hangs in Flora’s bedchamber …

1:03:20: SWEENEY TODD, Ch. 51:

• We see Sir Richard Blunt meeting up with some authorities from St. Dunstan’s Church for a late-night exploration of the vaults below, with an eye toward solving the mystery of the horrid smell that’s been filling the church. Sir Richard seems to think he knows what they’re going to find … we’ll see!

PLUS —

• Learn what "Count cards," "Cousin Betties," "Nubbing Coves," "Craping Curls," "Sluicery," "Index," Autem Bawlers," "Tulips of the Goes," "Free and Easy," and "Bits of Blood" meant, in highway-robber slang!

Join Professor Flash, a.k.a. Finn J.D. John. for a 90-minute spree through the story papers of old London! Grab a flicker of blue ruin, unload your stumps, and let's go!

PART 3 OF 3 PARTS ... IN WHICH we finish our exploration of a fascinating little guidebook for all aspiring Swell Coves, from 1840. It’s titled “Hints to Men-About-Town,” and was written by an anonymous knight of the lancet and bleeding-cup who identifies himself only as “The Old Medical Student.”

THIS EPISODE is crammed with 185-year-old tips on how to prevent the many social, emotional, and especially medical issues that can challenge a fast young rake due to — hmm, how do I put this delicately? —excessive enjoyment of the company of friendly ladies.

That sounds like it should be great fun, but well, the stakes were a lot higher for the sexually rambunctious of both sexes in that pre-antibiotic, pre-birth-control era ... so, I am sad to report, this chapter is a lot more serious and buzzkill-ish than you might be expecting it to be.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MY GENTLEMAN READERS: Prithee heed well the hint to skip ahead 60 seconds that appears around the 21:30 mark, lest thou shouldst find thyself clutching thy nether nubbins and moaning softly to thyself in vicarious agony for the remainder of the episode ...

IN WHICH —

0:07:30: SWEENEY TODD, Ch. 50:

• Johanna Oakley is forced to take her brave but not overly smart cousin Big Ben the Beefeater into her confidence — to tell him she is dressing in boys’ clothes to spy on the barbershop where, she thinks, Mark Ingestrie was murdered. Now, what do you think Big Ben will do with this information? Why, go check it out by getting Sweeney Todd to shave him, of course. Will he survive such a foolhardy act? We shall see.

0:27:15: BLACK BESS (Dick Turpin), Ch. 12:

• Dick waits for nightfall and is off and away. Ellen, the young maiden whom he rescued a few chapters ago from a Fate Worse Than Death in that mean capmaker lady’s DIY bordello, begs him not to go, as the “grabs” are sure to be on the lay for him; but he pays no heed. Soon he is off, into a thick fog … journeying, perhaps, to his death? We shall see.

0:36:30: VARNEY THE VAMPYRE, Ch. 12:

• Poor Charles Holland is struggling with his feelings. He cannot believe such things as vampires exist; but if they do, will he soon have a vampire for a wife? He stares at the mysterious portrait. What is its significance? Could there be some secret hidden behind it? And wait — what’s that scratching at the window? Could it be …

1:08:15: SPRING-HEEL'D JACK, Ch. 12:

• Jack’s taking a little breather after his churchyard caper when he recognizes Ellen Folder, the poor seamstress whose bundle Joe Filcher filched, hurrying toward London Bridge. Jack realizes she’s determined to cast herself into the black, filthy waters! Can he save her from the bitter fruits of her temporary madness?

1:28:30: THE BLACK BAND, Ch. 12:

• We FINALLY meet a few characters we can root for after a cavalcade of contemptible wretches and psychotic supervillains! We meet Clara Melville, a poverty-stricken but aristocratic and lovely young ballet dancer; and her father, Jasper Melville, an impoverished aristocrat of some sort who hints at a dark secret. Clara’s baby sister is at death’s door with a raging fever. Suddenly a visitor knocks imperiously at the door …

PLUS —

• Learn what "Hell hounds," "hop merchants," "hamlets," "blackstrap," "buggaboes," "fadge," "mopus," "tonies," "thrums," "groat," "tanner," "teaster," and "tizzy" meant, in highway-robber slang!

Join Professor Flash, a.k.a. Finn J.D. John. for a 90-minute spree through the story papers of old London! Grab a flicker of blue ruin, unload your stumps, and let's go!

PART 2 OF 3 PARTS ... IN WHICH we continue to explore a fascinating little guidebook for all aspiring Swell Coves, from 1840. It’s titled “Hints to Men-About-Town,” and was written by an anonymous knight of the lancet and bleeding-cup who identifies himself only as “The Old Medical Student.”

Not all of this is good medical advice, I'm sorry to say. There have been a few updates to the basic book of physic in the 185 years since this little guidebook was written.

IN THIS EPISODE we'll learn some late-Regency Best Practices on keeping up the appearance of being a fashionably heavy drinker without ending up with a horrible hangover, or with crude pictures of male body parts drawn on one's face with a Sharpie. (Was that a thing in 1840? Maybe not.)

NEXT TUESDAY, Part 3 is crammed with 185-year-old tips on how to prevent the many social, emotional, and especially medical issues that can challenge a fast young rake due to — hmm, how do I put this delicately? —excessive enjoyment of the company of friendly ladies.

Join us!

FIVE NEW FLASH-CANT WORDS AND PHRASES —

• "On the Mace"
• "Angelics"
• "Misstopper"
• "Bone" and "Bank the swag"
• "Arch doxies, ack pirates, pigmen, rum quod culls, laced women and flowers of society"

Plus a chapter each from our five vintage Penny Dreadfuls!

0:04:20: SWEENEY TODD, Ch. 49 —

• Poor barber’s apprentice Tobias Ragg remains in a state of temporary insanity. But Tobias’s dim-witted mother has brought back his childhood sweetheart, Minna Grey. Will she be able to bring him back to his senses? And if she does, will he be able to tell anything that will shed light on Sweeney Todd’s many crimes?

0:17:50: BLACK BESS (Dick Turpin) Ch. 11—

• A strange traveler comes to the Hand and Keys inn and knocks on the door just as a guest is telling of a horrible murder that was committed there eight years previously. A not-over-well-liked steward was stabbed to death and robbed. The knocker is brought in by the fire, and the story continues; but the newcomer becomes agitated and goes upstairs before too long. He seems very uneasy. Then ... a pistol shot rings out on the night air, and a terrified scream ...

0:45:20: VARNEY THE VAMPYRE, Ch. 11—

• Henry Bannerworth urges Charles Holland to flee and leave the vampire-blighted Bannerworth family to its fate; but he steadfastly refuses to do so, reaffirms his commitment to Flora, and asks to be billeted in the room in which the undead apparition visited her. Will he prove more than a match for Vampey? He hopes so.

1:04:30: SPRING-HEEL'D JACK Ch. 11—

• Jack is in a tight spot — trapped in a churchyard vault with the fresh corpse of the thief he has just frightened to death, and with a crowd growing outside attracted by the thief’s terrified shrieks. If he’s caught in the vault, he’ll be prosecuted for murder! Can he escape? How?

1:20:40: THE BLACK BAND Ch. 11—

• We meet another couple of characters ... an elderly man with rat-like eyes by the name of Samuel Crank, who is an Agent for something or someone; nobody in the neighborhood knows precisely who, or even what Samuel Crank looks like! Then a tall, dark man comes to his office, and we recognize him as Colonel Mephistopholes — Oscar Bertrand himself. What fresh deviltry could they have afoot? Then a knock at the door, and Mephistopholes hides to eavesdrop. Who could it be? What could they want?

Join Professor Flash, a.k.a. Finn J.D. John. for a 90-minute spree through the story papers of old London! Grab a flicker of blue ruin, unload your stumps, and let's go!

IN WHICH we explore a fascinating little guidebook for all aspiring Swell Coves, from 1840. It’s titled “Hints to Men-About-Town,” and was written by an anonymous knight of the goosefeather who identifies himself only as “The Old Medical Student.”

It's a series of three, starting with this episode. In it, we'll learn how to gracefully recover from the visible effects of getting involved in a drunken riot, or a street brawl, or maybe an unsuccessful attempt to box a charley — or whatever other unfortunate chain of events is likely to ensue when a high-spirited young man-about-town cries, “Hold my blue ruin and watch this!”

Not all of this is good medical advice, I'm sorry to say. There have been a few updates to the basic book of physic in the 185 years since this little guidebook was written.

Here's an outline of the contents ...

• 00:00: Overview, and some info about early-Victorian medicine
• 09:00: How to fix black eyes WITHOUT electric sparks
• 21:00: How to fix black eyes WITH electric sparks and/or magnets
• 24:45: How to fix bloody noses
• 25:30: How to fix sprained limbs
• 28:45: How to re-seat a dislocated thumb after you have punched a fellow roisterer really hard without knowing what you're doing (this apparently happened a lot).

NEXT TUESDAY in Part 2 we'll learn some late-Regency Best Practices on keeping up the appearance of being a heavy drinker without ending up with a horrible hangover... and

THE FOLLOWING TUESDAY, Part 3 is crammed with 185-year-old tips on how to navigate the many social and emotional (as well as, er, medical) issues that can challenge a fast young rake due to — hmm, how do I put this delicately? —excessive enjoyment of the company of very friendly ladies.

Join us!

A THIEVES' SONG TRANSLATED —

• The beak looked big, and shook his head, heigh-ho the beak!

• He wished those family coves were dead, that honest folk might get their bread; heigh-ho the beak!
• The family cove, he grinned a grin, heigh-ho the cove!
• He said 'to prig I think no sin, for sure a Romany must have tin'; heigh-ho the cove!

Plus a chapter each from our five vintage Penny Dreadfuls!

0:04:30: SWEENEY TODD, Ch. 48 —

• Poor Tobias Ragg’s dingbat mother has made things worse instead of better. But then the colonel learns Tobias has a sweetheart named Minna Grey, and so he asks old Mrs. Ragg to bring her. Will she be able to restore Tobias’s sanity?

0:21:45: BLACK BESS (Dick Turpin) Ch. 10—

• Highwayman Dick Turpin and his pretty rescuee make it out of the neighborhood as Dick racks his brain for a place he can bring her. Then he thinks of his portly old pal Tom Davis, landlord of the Hand and Keys Inn near Hornsey Wood! Will they make it there in safety?

0:36:30: VARNEY THE VAMPYRE, Ch. 10—

• The tomb-raiding party has just arrived back at the house when the sound of Flora’s pistol shot smites upon their ears. They rush to the house — and find a scene of much confusion ... and a new character joins our dramatis personae: Flora’s Intended, Charles Holland, has just arrived! But can she allow him to share her destiny, now that she has fallen victim to a vampire?

0:50:15: SPRING-HEEL'D JACK Ch. 10—

• Two of the drunks from the bar next door to the pigeon house see Ellen Folder’s bundle of work hanging from the window and work out a plan to steal it! Will they succeed? And what will happen to Ellen if they do?

1:08:00: THE BLACK BAND Ch. 10—

• Robert Merton, the self-made millionaire who has fallen for Lady Edith Vandeleur and is soon to marry her, is having some second thoughts. Will they enable him to avoid the terrible matrimonial mistake he is about to embark upon? Or ... will they cause him to double down, and make things worse? Bet you can guess ...

Join Professor Flash, a.k.a. Finn J.D. John. for a 90-minute spree through the story papers of old London! Grab a flicker of blue ruin, unload your stumps, and let's go!

FIVE NEW FLASH-CANT WORDS AND PHRASES —

• "Autem bawler"
• "Cat's meat shop"
• "Bulldogs"
• "Cross-crib"
• "Hoister mots, high tobers, and Moabites"

Plus a chapter each from our five vintage Penny Dreadfuls!

0:04:30: SWEENEY TODD, Ch. 47 —

• Johanna Oakley’s mother is on a rampage, trying to persuade her to consent to marry Pastor Lupin. Luckily, Big Ben the beefeater stops by with some victuals ... and, remember, last time that happened, Mrs. Oakley put some kind of savage purgative in the beer. Is Big Ben plotting some kind of revenge? You shall hear...

0:19:15: BLACK BESS (Dick Turpin) Ch. 9 —

• Highwayman Dick needs to get away from Drury-lane, and take Ellen with him. But the neighborhood is alarmed! Not to worry, he has a plan — with Ellen’s help, he thinks it will be all right. Next week we’ll find out if he’s right!

0:32:00: VARNEY THE VAMPYRE, Ch. 9—

• We return to Flora, waiting for the men to get back from their midnight visit to the crypt. And she keeps hearing little scratching noises outside the room ... is the vampire coming back for her? Trembling with terror, she shrinks back away from the window, burrowing into the bedclothes for security ... and coming up with a pistol in each hand. Come get some, Vampey!

0:46:30: SPRING-HEEL'D JACK Ch. 9—

• Drunken brute Bill Jackson is at poor Ellen Folder’s door, demanding the rent and threatening to get it by seizing her employer’s property. If he does, she will be ruined — financially and maybe even criminally! The workhouse if she’s lucky, prison if she’s not! Can Spring-Heel’d Jack save her from a fate that really WOULD be worse than death? We shall see.

1:06:15: THE BLACK BAND Ch. 9—

• We meet a new cast of characters — a very old man and his niece and grand-nephew, Antony. He has called them to his bedside to unburden his conscience of a great evil that he says he has done. But he clearly does not trust Antony. What could it be? And is Antony to be trusted with such a secret?

Join Professor Flash, a.k.a. Finn J.D. John. for a 90-minute spree through the story papers of old London! Grab a flicker of blue ruin, unload your stumps, and let's go!

IN WHICH we learn some of the back story of the unlikely "hero" of Black Bess; or, The Knight of the Road, courtesy of a 12-page children's chapbook published by Samuel and John Keys of Devonport in or around 1840 ... almost exactly 100 years after the real Dick Turpin was hanged for his depredations!

Be sure to join us this Saturday night for the next full episode of the Penny Dreadful Story Hour!

*stands for "A Fate Worse Than Death." We'll be seeing a lot of this!

FIVE NEW FLASH-CANT WORDS AND PHRASES —

• "Lawful Blanket"
• "Gunpowder"
• "Timber merchant"
• "Swill Tub"
• "Philistines"

Plus a chapter each from our five vintage Penny Dreadfuls!

0:05:00: SWEENEY TODD, Ch. 46 —

• The ostler from a hotel across the way arrives just in time to save Hector, the dog, from Sweeney Todd’s pistol. Then, as he rages over his failure to kill the dog, a customer comes into the shop, with 3000 pounds’ worth of jewels in his pocket and a small boy in tow. By now we know the score: Todd is going to try to get the little boy to leave the shop long enough for him to “disappear” the father and pocket the 3000 quid. Will it work?

0:18:30: BLACK BESS (Dick Turpin) Ch. 8 —

• Highwayman Dick Turpin, while escaping from the Bow-street runners, slips into the house next door and finds there the lady of the house vigorously beating a pretty orphan girl whom she has taken on, supposedly as a capmaker’s apprentice but really — remember our Flash Academy word from earlier today, Academician? Reading between the lines, it’s clear the pretty orphan girl is intended to be ... rented out, by the hatchet-faced old capmaker woman. Can Dick rescue her from this Life of Shame? Will they escape from the grabs? We shall see!

0:36:15: VARNEY THE VAMPYRE, Ch. 8—

• The Bannerworth family party has made its way into the vault and identified which of the coffins was made to contain the mortal remains of their ancestor, Sir Runnagate Bannerworth, after his death in 1640. They hasten to open it. Will they find a skeleton inside? Or a fully undecayed body of an undead vampire? Or nothing at all, which would suggest that the undead ancestor is even now out searching for another Feast of Blood in the moonlight? We’ll see ...

1:00:30: SPRING-HEEL'D JACK Ch. 8—

• We meet yet another pretty girl in distress — 22-year-old Ellen Folder, a seamstress who is three weeks behind in her rent. Her landlord has come home drunk, belligerently demanding his money and threatening to seize Ellen’s employer’s property to cover it. If he does, she will be financially ruined, with no resource but the workhouse — and as every reader in 1867 well knew, the workhouse really WOULD be a Fate Worse Than Death! Will she escape from her landlord’s clutches and preserve her employer’s property? Well ... it’s complicated. You’ll see what I mean next week.

1:20:00: THE BLACK BAND Ch. 7—

• We rejoin poor Ellen Clavering, now Mrs. Darcy, a sad little bird living in a golden cage surrounded by every luxury but forbidden to speak to her father. She is rich, but miserable. Then Mr. Darcy — Colonel Bertrand — arrives with a white-faced gentleman, and we learn the outcome of the duel by the sea-shore.

Join Professor Flash, a.k.a. Finn J.D. John. for a 90-minute spree through the story papers of old London! Grab a flicker of blue ruin, unload your stumps, and let's go!