The Positive Mind

Revisiting The Science of Attachment with Bethany Saltman 

Bethany Saltman, author of, "Strange Situation: A Mother's Journey into the Science of Attachment," introduces us to the Strange Situation Procedure developed in the 1970's as a way to observe the attachment styles of children between the ages of 9-18months. In one stage of the procedure the mother, or primary caregiver, and a stranger sit in a room with the child, and then mother leaves the room.  The way the child reacts to the mother's leaving and her return is carefully observed and information about the attachment bond is categorized into an attachment style.  This procedure revolutionized the understanding of child and adult psychology specifically in relationships and bonding. 

 

Join us as we discover how knowing about your attachment style provides a clue as to how you manage the stresses of relationships and parenting as an adult. Knowing this, you can start healing relationship wounds and foster secure relationships with your children and loved ones.

What is it like to feel unsafe? What goes on in your body, in your mind, in your emotions when you don’t feel safe? 

This week Kevin and Niseema talk about the Vagus Nerve, that starts in the brain stem, in the back of the head, and connects all the way down into our vital organs. When there is an imbalance in your nervous system, specifically in the Vagus Nerve, you can have a very hard time connecting to a feeling of safety.  You might feel chronic anxiety, hyper-vigilance, exhaustion and disengagement with the world..  Niseema takes us through how the Vagus Nerve contributes to an imbalance in the nervous system, and how to regain balance through simple exercises.  

Niseema also introduces a powerful tool for healing and balancing the Vagus Nerve called The Safe and Sound Protocol (SSP).  SSP delivers a passive stimulation of the Vagus Nerve to help increase its capacity to regulate the "fight or flight'' part of our nervous system, which contributes to symptoms of anxiety and PTSD, and access feelings of safety and connection.

Last week, Kevin and Niseema spoke with Donnelly Wilkes, M.D., author of "Code Red Fallujah, a Doctors Memoir at War," about his experiences on the front lines. PTSD and trauma are usually associated with extreme situations faced by first responders, soldiers, and firefighters.

Having lived through Covid this past year the traumatic stress that we all have been experiencing in one form or another has taken its toll on almost all of us. 

Tine into our rebroadcasting of one of our most popular interview shows, "Preventing PTSD with Thayer Case, LMCHC-SW,SEP Part 2". We go into detail on the SCOPE Crisis Stabilization and Safety Aid and how it can be used to manage situations that are “too much, too fast, too soon.”

The promise of having medical school paid for in return for seven years service in the Navy was an easy choice for Donnelly Wilkes when he started medical school in 1998. That all changed on September 11th, 2001. After just one year of residency in Family Medicine at Camp Pendleton, Dr. Wilkes was called to active duty in the Iraq War. Choosing to be stationed with the Marines, he knew he'd be close to the front lines, but not as close as 200 yards away.

In his memoir, Code Red Fallujah: A Doctors Memoir at War, Dr. Wilkes gives his first hand account of one of the bloodiest battles in the Iraq War. His unique perspective gives us a window into the mental and physical toll it took on the men around him, including himself. "Sharing the harrowing entries from his field diary, Lieutenant Commander Donnelly Wilkes becomes the first-ever U.S. military physician to recount the sights and sounds of one of the most violent events of the entire Iraq War." (www.coderedfallujah.com)

Join Kevin and Niseema for this poignant discussion about combat stress and mental health with Dr. Donnelly Wilkes MD, who is passionate about sharing his story and letting other service men, women and veterans know that there are resources and help available for anyone who needs and wants it.

What drove Martin Luther King Jr. to push against the most entrenched systems of racism in the United States? Why was the Dalai Lama chosen as the next link in the centuries old lineage of Tibetan Buddhism? What abilities enabled Michele Obama to be effective and remain serene through her 8 years as FLOTUS? What makes these types driven to heal and transform our world? What wounds did they experience to bring them to their adult convictions?

It is possible that in their younger lives these types were encouraged to attune to the feelings and needs of others to the detriment of themselves. When these personality types are unbalanced, they can prove to be difficult and challenging partners because they become seemingly impossible to get close to. Functioning always from a gut instinct perspective can often result in self created conflict, chaos and rigidity.

Join Kevin and Niseema as they complete the 3 episode journey through the points of the Enneagram with a discussion of this fascinating "Gut" Triad. Type 8, the Challenger, focuses on challenging the rules and the people in their environment; Type 9, the Peacemaker, lives to bring peace and harmony to their environment; Type1, the Reformer, focuses on what is imperfect in the environment and seeks to set everything aright.

Studying the Enneagram enables you to understand yourself and others better, living this life with more joy and compassion.

It's a gallery opening for The Artist who is known for their unique and captivating work. The Investigator looks at the details of the art, being an expert in all the artists of this genre, his critique is highly regraded. The Loyalist has been following The Artist since they were showing at University, believing the profundity locked in the art will finally quell their doubts about life. The Enthusiast is also there with two lovers on their arm and a martini in hand as they flit from guest to guest with a certain joie de vivre.

Do any of the characters in this scene remind you of a friend or even yourself? How and why do we behave the way we do? Our personality, temperament and style are complex and sometimes can feel like a trap. The search for safety is one that starts from a young age, especially if the home you grew up in was somehow dangerous, unstable, or unsafe. The hidden wounds of these types reflect a deep relentless fear.

Kevin and Niseema continue the journey through the points of the Enneagram finishing the Heart Triad with Type 4 (the Artist) and continuing with The Mind Triad Type 5 (the Investigator), Type 6 (the Loyalist), and Type 7 (the Enthusiast) to validate how children adopt behaviors to manage fear and insecurity in very different ways. Recognizing the type of person you have become or are in relationship with gives you the opportunity to relate to yourself and others with compassion and empathy.

Are you someone who gives of themselves but never really feels like you can receive?

Do you relish achieving goals and then feel a kind of emptiness?

If so you may have a wound of neglect that may not seem like a wound but it is what you organize your sense of yourself around. "I'm a helper", "I'm an achiever or a performer" but I never get the attention I really want or need. This may be because you just didn't get the right attention or mirroring that would help you discover who you are and that you are worthy of love without having to do anything.

Kevin and Niseema deepen the exploration of the effects of childhood trauma on adult patterns of behavior and self defeating habits. Using the Enneagram personality typing system they review the 9 Types and go into depth about the wounds of the Type 2 (the Helper), and Type 3 (the Performer/Acheiver). Understanding the core essence that got lost under the pain is a way to transform your relationship to yourself and others.

Tune in next week to learn about the Type 4 (the Artist), Type 5 (the Investigator/Observer), Type 6 (the Loyalist), and Type 7 (the Enthusiast).

Achilles' mother heard a prophecy that her son would be killed at a young age. So she did what any mother would, she dipped him in the river Styx to give him immortality. He grew up strong and beautiful, creating all kinds of havoc believing he was invulnerable.  Little did he know he had a spot on his body that didn't get covered in the water. It was this unseen wound, this unseen and unknown part of himself that ultimately caused his demise.  

What we don't know or see can be the cause of a lot of pain.  Being invulnerable is not human.  What's you Achilles heel?  What is the situation or feeling that buckles your knees? This week Kevin and Niseema take us through the nine types of wounds that we organize our sense of self around. We believe that the wound will not be seen or felt by others, but often it is.  In exploring and knowing your wound you have the opportunity to drop into a deeper humanity and ability to connect to others.

Shame, rejection, helplessness, fear of failure,  surrender, no wonder why it seems so hard to ask for help. The inner dilemma that prevents you from making that call, sending that text or leaning on that shoulder has all the hallmarks of a culture that prides itself of self sufficiency. The real shock is that when help is received it can feel like, "Why didn't I ask for help sooner?"  

This week Kevin and Niseema look at how the simple act of asking for help has layers of complexity and feeling that originated in your childhood.

Dreaming of familiar places with masked faces? COVID dreams are real reflecting our vulnerability in a time of uncertainty and anxiety. Kevin O'Donoghue LMHC and Niseema Dyan Diemer LMT, SEP discuss the sleep, dreams and vulnerabilities we have been experiencing during these months of living under a pandemic. Our environments have changed and so have our sleep patterns and dream content. Kevin and Niseema focus on the wisdom of vulnerability as an antidote to disconnection.