The Positive Mind

This week we ask, "How long did it take you to finally accept the pandemic and then try to make the best of it?" Isn't it remarkable that we humans can make the best of something if we put our mind to it?

We focus this week on three traits from positive psychology that people can intentionally bring to mind to help them get through a difficult situation. We find that if you take just one trait like Hope, and make it your anchor for the day, you can experience hardship in a totally different way. We encourage you to listen to the show to discover which single trait might work best for you.

Kevin and Niseema continue their exploration of how lockdown and re-emergence post-pandemic, mirrors the stages outlined in the book, "Emerging Adulthood: The Winding Road from the Late Teens through the Twenties," by Jeffrey Jensen Arnett. “In a way it feels like everyone landed in the hard reality that life is tenuous,” says Niseema. The unseen threat of the Coronavirus forced many to evaluate, “What have I been tolerating?” and, “What do I really want from life?”

Kevin and Niseema bring the stages of Emerging Adulthood into today’s circumstances, validating what you may be feeling and questioning about your own life. In part 1, Niseema suggested taking 5 mins every morning to write “I want….” and then fill in the blank. This week Kevin invites you to answer a series of questions that will help you take advantage of this experience and clarify what you need. The opportunity is here to be self focused and open to the possibility of emerging into a NEW life.

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For more information or support contact Kevin or Niseema at: [email protected], or call 212-757-4488.

You can sign up for our weekly newsletter at www.tffpp.org.

These are challenging times and we hope this episode served to validate and ease your anxiety about what you may be experiencing.

Please feel free to also suggest show ideas to the above email.

Thank you for listening,

Kevin and Niseema

www.tffpp.org

https://www.kevinlmhc.com

www.niseema.com

www.thepositivemindcenter.com

PRODUCTION CREDITS

Opening Music : Another Country, Pure Shadowfax, Shadowfax

Break Music: Original Composition by Geoff Brady

End Music : TFFPP Theme - Giullian Goiello for The Foundation for Positive Psychology

The Positive Mind is produced with the help of:

Engineering: Geoff Brady

Research and Production Associate: Connie Shannon

Website Design and End Music: Giullian Gioello

Marketing and PR: Jen Maguire, Maguire PR, [email protected]

Exploration, instability, self-focus, feeling in-between, possibilities are the stages of "emerging adulthood." In this week's episode, Kevin and Niseema explore how these stages are paralleling people's feelings about emerging from the quarantine. The Age of emerging adulthood is 18 - 29 and signifies a transition into a knowing of self, one's direction, and purpose. During this time in life we lay the groundwork for what we hope will be an expression of our inner nature. What was your emergence into adulthood like? Did you have a clear vision and work towards it, or did you flounder and move from job to job, self to self. You might have self-medicated any anxiety because of not know who you were or what you wanted. During quarantine many people felt the opportunity to finally ask the question, "What do I want?"

Living for more than a year under the unseen threat of Covid19 has forced many people to see what they have been tolerating: an unfulfilling job, a failing relationship, living in a place that no longer suits you, etc... In Part 2 of this series next week, Kevin and Niseema will dive into the stages of Self Focus and Possibilities as we begin to fully emerge and move into new relationships, new environments, new jobs and for many, a new life.

In this encore episode Kevin and Niseema talk with Nancy J. Napier, the author of "Getting Through the Day: Strategies for Adults Hurt as Children." This landmark book appeared 30 years ago and has served as a resource and guide for anyone who was exposed to or experienced chronic stress or trauma in childhood.

Nancy illustrates such classic mechanisms such as dissociation, where a child will use their mind to pull out of their body so as not to endure the terror and abuse; and, "numbing" where the child can choose to not feel anything and allow themselves to go completely numb. Many of these strategies adopted in childhood continue into adulthood. Nancy teaches us how to make a distinction between what happened "then," in the past, and what is happening moment to moment "now," in the present. She teaches us how to develop an observing self that serves as a companion who helps make the distinction between the past and the present.

This groundbreaking book, with it's unforgettable title, truly opened the door to understanding the coping strategies that adults struggle with on a daily basis and provides validation of their experiences.

Guest - Nancy J. Napier is former president of the New York Society for the Study of Multiple Personality and Dissociative Disorders, a board member of the New York Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, and a past board member of the New York Milton H. Erickson Society for Psychotherapy and Hypnosis. She is the author of several books, including Sacred Practices for Conscious Living.

This week Kevin asks, "If crying weren't so embarrassing would you cry more often? Are there tears in there you can't even get to?" To grieve we need to share what we've lost. What have you lost to the Pandemic this year? Is your body carrying a grief you may not know about? Do you feel the same way physically, emotionally, mentally now as you did before March 2020? It is important to stop and take a self assessment.

One way the body manages multiple traumatic events is to go into a psychic shock. As we all begin to emerge from the pandemic the melting of that shock may cause an increase in anxiety, sadness, and tears that come from nowhere. If we go back to just being busy without assessing the changes we've been through we threaten to prolong the psychic shock. One way to ease the transition is to honor your grief and your changing feelings and reach out to people to share them. Niseema shares her experience of joining a group called, "a grief circle" and related how this structured sharing of her experiences during the pandemic and after helped her to find her creative voice again.

Have YOU experienced grief during this pandemic? What losses have you experienced? Can you number them? Maybe they are beyond number.

Originally aired at the beginning of the pandemic, we examine the importance of grief in a time of pandemic. Often to grieve well, means to have lived well and loved well. We identify classic symptoms of grief and mourning. This can deepen the understanding of what is known as the five stages, they are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Later in the show, we walk you through an exercise to help you access grief, it really is a heart opener. We also take a look at collective and individual grief as many are beset with anxiety and loss.

Next week we ask, "Where is your grief now that we are reopening and coming back to life?" We will touch upon how grief can thread its way through your life if it’s not felt and how important it is to have a Good Mourning.

Have your emotions been in quarantine? Dysthymia is more than "feeling blue". People who struggle with Dysthymia are more than just pessimistic. They have a muddled outlook, and can rarely remember the last time they were happy or inspired about something. It is difficult to have fun, and their self-criticism revolves around persistent sense of shame, failure and low self-esteem. Many become "comfortable", taking on the gloom as an identity. "I am not worthy of happiness so why bother".

Dysthymia is a persistent mild or chronic depression, and one if it's biggest triggers is stress. The stress of a year long pandemic, feeling "invisible" and isolated may trigger thoughts like, "What is the difference between going out or staying in? I wouldn't be noticed anyway." Now might be a good time to ask yourself, is this more than "the blues"?

Over 3 million new cases of Dysthymia are diagnosed every year, currently called Persistent Depressive Disorder, and that number is likely to have tripled as a result of the persistent stress of the pandemic. Women are 3 times more likely to get it than men, African-Americans more than Caucasians and many, many older people suffer from Dysthymia. The condition is often undiagnosed because people can function in their normal lives without getting treatment. In what is now a post-pandemic world, the movement out of an emotional quarantine is bound to raise some difficulties. The best we all can do is to understand what might be happening, and get the help needed to find your inspiration again.

Not knowing the words to describe how you are feeling is called Alexithymia. It can feel like seeing the world in black and white. No Color. The ability to accurately communicate feelings is one of the ways human beings can feel safe and connected. During this extended quarantine, social distancing has caused many of us to see the world in black and white. We are not sure how we feel. When we recorded this show last year we were having a hard time knowing how to find the words to express how we felt. 16 months later we are still having difficulty. As the world slowly emerges from the pandemic, more color may begin to enter our lives. Do not feel badly if you still have trouble expressing how you feel. It will take some time. Enjoy this rebroadcast of our show on Alexithymia.

“The greatest fear we have is not the fear of our own death

but the death of someone we love.” Dr. Howard Steele PhD.  This statement speaks to the depth of our need to feel connected and attached to others with whom we can feel safe and enjoy life.  In this week’s show, Kevin and Niseema continue to explore Attachment Theory with Drs. Miriam and Howard Steele, Directors of The Center for Attachment Studies at the New School for Social Research in New York City.  The Steele's answer questions from our audience about bullying and how learning the skill of reflecting on your own experience as a child can inform how you parent now. We also discover how the need for new ways to be civil and co-operative rather than competitive in our society is deeply needed; and attachment interventions and research are available for parents, teachers, therapists and leaders to learn to help make that happen.

Was there one person in your childhood who you knew you could go to when you were in distress? You knew they would listen and allow you to have your feelings,  providing comfort and support. This person represented a secure base in a world that may have been chaotic, confusing and scary. It turns out that having a secure base during your childhood makes all the difference in your whole outlook on life and relationships.  

Kevin and Niseema welcome Drs. Howard and Miriam Steele who have made it their life's work to study the benefits of having a secure base and what happens when there is none.  They have studied and developed effective ways to support parents learning the skills of being a secure base for their children and in the process learn what it means to be humble.

When parents are no longer afraid of their children and children no longer afraid of their parents then a whole new relationship is possible. A relationship that relies on co-operation, joy and a genuine interest in the emotional worlds of each other. 

Stay tuned for next week where we will expand on the ramifications of a world where striving for independence has eroded the human need for interdependence and community.