“So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” (Ephesians 5:33 NLT)

 

Selfishness is the secret to an unhappy marriage. Too often two people enter into marriage saying, “I want my way.” The husband says, “You do what I say.” And the wife says, “I want it my way.” Because of selfishness, couples riddle their marriage with friction. It all comes down to self.

Genesis 2:24 says, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one” (NLT). But parents aren’t the only things marriage partners must leave behind. There’s also the priority of self, the tendency to place your needs and wants above everything else. If two people are “looking out for number one,” they’re going to have a hard time being “united into one.”

Today, there are marriages dissolving because spouses are trying to “find themselves.” Listen, husbands and wives! If you want to find yourself, you need to lose yourself. Remember what Jesus said, “Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it” (Matthew 10:39 NIV).

If you want to find yourself and have a biblical marriage, learn the secret. Stop thinking about yourself and approach your marriage saying, “I want to love, please, and help my mate. I want to care about my spouse more than I care about myself.” This is biblical. Before Paul ever says in Ephesians 5:22, “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord” (NIV), and before he ever says in verse 25, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (NIV), he says in verse 21, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (NIV). That word submit means “to place or arrange under.” The idea is a voluntary submission. Paul is saying to voluntarily place your needs under the needs of your spouse. Operate with the mindset that your spouse comes first.

This principle of selfless service is so important that God makes it the model for all our interactions. Paul wrote in Philippians 2:3–4, “Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too” (NLT). Following these guidelines in our daily encounters is a powerful testimony of our Christian faith. Following them in our marriage is a powerful expression of love and commitment.

If you prioritize the needs of your spouse and work hard to meet those needs, you’ll find that something amazing happens. You’ll find that your own needs get met in time, because you’ll be in God’s order, and your spouse will be, too. And God will bless your union in ways you can’t imagine.

 

Reflection Question: What does submitting to one another look like in your marriage—or in a marriage that you consider to be healthy?

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