In this episode, Scott & Tom talk about the unique challenges a Pastor's spouse face.  As you think about how to honor your Pastor this Pastor Appreciation Month, consider how you can  support your Pastor's spouse.

The Session:  Helping the Pastor’s Spouse

Lord of peace, may You give our pastor(s) and their families peace at all times and in every way (2 Thess. 3:16).

Support your spouse without being the assistant pastor.

1.   Be a loving, supportive spouse

2.   Do not neglect the training of your children.

3.   Take care of your home.

The Unique Challenges

·  Living under constant scrutiny

·  Unrealistic expectations

·  Perfect social behavior

·  Thorough knowledge of the Bible

·  Attendance at all meetings

·  Ready entertainer

·  Spiritual giant

The Unique Circumstances

·  Limited finances

·  The demands of church members

·  Loneliness

·  Absent Spouse

 How to Succeed As a Pastor’s Spouse

·  Love and accept yourself.

·  Concentrate on being the best you can be.

·  Have realistic expectations of yourself.

·  Build your own spiritual life.

·  Work on self-improvement.

·  Love and accept your spouse.

·  Try to understand your spouse’s ministry.

·  Decide on what you are comfortable doing in your church.

To reach Tom Russell, go to https://www.heritagechristiancounselingofmansfield.com.

We are continuing our celebration of Pastor Appreciation Month on the Session with this episode's 3 Essential Keys to Thrive in Ministry.  If you have an idea for a topic for us to discuss, please email [email protected]!

3 Essential Keys to Thrive in Ministry from Loganleadership.com

A vital relationship with God

The first key is, Who’s helping you explore this?

·  Where do you experience his presence in your life?

·  Praying scripture can be helpful. Psalm 23:1 “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He lets me rest.” Peace came. Isaiah 40:31 also helped me. “but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”

·  “If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love, just as I have kept My Father’s commandments and abide in His love.” John 15:10 A Father/child relationship is developed. The fruit of God's Spirit is cultivated.

Deep Connections

The second key to thriving is deep connections. Yes, it’s loving God and loving people.

·  How are the quality of your connections?

·  Close family members who would pray with the pastor

·  Quality relationships are a must!

·  Having a mentor can be a normalizing voice in a storm.  (AND HELP YOU CELEBRATE SUCCESS!!!)

·  Collegial support is highly important. When your colleagues walk with the same lamp, you do can be very helpful.  (SCOTT THOUGHT: WHAT IN THE WORLD DOES THIS MEAN???)

·  Messages like “you will get through this” give strength and courage.

·  What friendships are you investing in?

Live your assignment

The third key is to live a purposeful life.

What I am here for?

·  Evaluating oneself and comparing yourself to other pastors can be very deflating.  (SCOTT THOUGHT:  NEVER EVALUATE YOUR MINISTRY ON MONDAY)

·  Empower others to help people be all that they were created to be and do everything they were made to do can be very fulfilling to the pastor.  (AND CELEBRATE SUCCESS WITH THEM!)

·  Are you living what God called you to do? It is important to rediscover that calling, passion, and heart.  (SCOTT THOUGHT: A SABATACAL MIGHT BE HELPFUL)

·  Pray for restoration and God’s Eagles wings to carry you and renew your strength.

A COUPLE OF PRACTICAL THINGS WE CAN DO TO HONOR OUR PASTORS:

GIFT CARD TREE (DECORATE A LIT CHRISTMAS TREE WITH GIFT CARDS)

SEND THEM AWAY FOR A WEEKEND WITH NO KIDS

WE WOULD LOVE TO TALK ABOUT TOPICS YOU WANT DISCUSSED!  WE ARE LOOKING AT TOPICS AROUND CHRISTMAS NOW.  IF YOU HAVE ANY ISSUES RELATED TO FAMILY OR FAITH OR FUN AT CHRISTMAS, PLEASE LET US KNOW.  EMAIL [email protected].

To reach Tom Russell, go to https://www.heritagechristiancounselingofmansfield.com.

October is Pastor Appreciation Month.  To celebrate, we bring back a classic episode from 2021, 5 Ways to Support Your Pastor.  We also have ideas for how you can celebrate Pastors at https://www.risefmohio.com

The Session:  5 Ways to Support Your Pastor

 Hebrews 13:17 Have confidence in your leaders and submit to their authority, because they keep watch over you as those who must give an account. Do this so that their work will be a joy, not a burden, for that would be of no benefit to you. 

Churches that intentionally create a culture of support for the pastor and their family tend to develop and maintain healthy relationships that allow the congregation to thrive. 

1. Temper unrealistic expectations

·  Don’t add to this pressure by expecting them to perform unwanted roles within the congregation, especially roles performed by past clergy family members.

·  Allow the pastor and his family to use the gifts God gave them and not what the former pastor 

2. Prioritize a Pastor Support Group

·  The organizational structure of many congregations contains a group designed to advocate for the pastor and their family’s needs.

·  Take the group seriously 

3. Support a sabbatical

·  Pastoral work is an intense, draining experience that constantly draws pastors away from family life to care for others.

·  Pastors and their families need time set aside to be together apart from church life.

·  Sabbaticals typically last from two to three months

·  They happen once every 5 years 

4. Provide paid parental leave.

·  The church supports family. The pastor’s family should be one.

·  Paid parental one off should be there for the pastor’s family too 

5 Protect your pastor’s sabbath day.

·  Pastors must carve out other time to practice self-care.

·  Pastors vary on the day of the week they use

To reach Tom Russell, go to https://www.heritagechristiancounselingofmansfield.com.

Disclaimer: In this episode, we talk about the loss of a spouse or child.  You may want to distract little ears with this episode.

5 Ways to Love Your Spouse After a Deep Loss

Alicia Searl Contributing Writer   crosswalk.com

As I write this, I look up into a beautiful, picturesque landscape. My heart needed this. My soul needed this. I needed a space to breathe, to absorb all that had taken place over the last five years and, more recently, the last couple of months. I am thankful my husband recognized I needed to sit in my grief. To let it seep in since I have been pushing all my feelings down for quite some time now, especially since April when my mom departed this world and entered the arms of her Savior.

If I were being honest, our family has been through quite a bit of trial as of late, and I guess it all began to all catch up with me. As I sat down to relive some of the pain with my husband one evening, we realized we had lost seven family members and a close childhood friend all in the last five years. People who were pillars for our family or loved ones that deeply impacted our lives. As parents, we have tried to offer love and support to one another and our grieving children, but life has a way of pushing us forward in this season, begging for us to continue. Life doesn't slow down between sporting events, school activities, play dates, and church functions because we are stuck in the past.

After the loss of my mother, grief began to bubble up in ways I wasn't quite sure how to handle. This mix of emotions kept sneaking in and stealing my joy. It made life look hazy and disoriented. I felt lost and alone. Wave after wave of grief kept knocking me down, and at one point, I wasn't sure I wanted to get back up. Life kept going, but my world felt stuck as I struggled to put one foot in front of the other. Not to mention I just wanted space to breathe, to be still and quiet, but there was nowhere to escape. No place to sit in solitude to let the tidal wave of grief wash over me so I could process all that had happened.

So, I ended up bottling it all up until I eventually broke. After a whirlwind of a summer with no space to seek peace, I decided to tackle this grief head-on. I booked a small cottage a few towns away for the weekend to gain a sense of clarity. To sit with a cup of coffee and gaze out into an open pasture just to hear nothing but the sound of my Savior seeking my wounded heart, reminding me He was still with me.

My husband hugged me and told me to go and seek rest. As I write this, he is currently taking care of the children for the weekend. He is handling all the housework, the chores, and the responsibilities. And he is essentially taking care of me. For that, I am ever so thankful.

If you or your spouse is enduring a profound loss, let me start by giving you my sincere condolences. While I don't understand what you are going through, I can relate to the heavy weight that a loss like that brings. The mixed feelings. The unexpected highs and lows. The need to be alone yet surrounded by the ones you love. The need to be reassured that while a piece of you is missing, you are still somehow going to be able to live again. While it can feel like the world has stopped spinning, there are ways you can seek support as well as offer it to your spouse while they experience all the various stages of grief.

1. Be Patient

Grief takes time. You can best show your spouse support by giving them time to grieve and be patient with the process. While it can be difficult to watch your spouse suffer and endure a roller coaster ride of emotions, remember that what they need most is for someone to lean on and offer compassion without judgment.

Realize that each person exper

To reach Tom Russell, go to https://www.heritagechristiancounselingofmansfield.com.

In the last episode, we unpacked what TO do as you parent an adult child who's an addict.  In this episode, we flip it around, and share what NOT to do.  You'll see notes for both episodes here.

The Session:  Parenting The Adult Addicted Child 

II Timothy 1:7

For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control."

From Mountainside.com

What TO Do  (BOLD lines are a point of emphasis from Tom)

1. Do set boundaries and invite open communication.

Recovering as a family will require speaking with your son or daughter about how their behavior is impacting everyone. If they are acting out at family gatherings or constantly borrowing money from people, this is a sign you need to set a boundary. Creating a boundary may seem challenging at first, but it will ultimately strengthen the relationship between you and your loved one, allowing both of you to start healing.

2. Do address the behavior rather than the person.

Casting judgment on your addicted child will not mend your strained family dynamics, but it’s perfectly reasonable to point out how their actions are affecting you. This statement might look like, “When I see you stay out late at night, I’m worried for your safety.” Focusing on how you feel reduces the chances of confrontation because your emotions are not up for debate. When you are finished sharing your thoughts, remember to listen and try to understand your child’s perspective as well.

3. Do offer to look for support services with them.

Your adult son or daughter struggling with addiction will need emotional support in recovery, starting with yours. One way you can support them is to sit with them and research different treatment programs to see which options best suit their individual needs. Your child may benefit from a medical detox to cleanse their body of substances followed by a drug rehab program to address any underlying psychological issues.

After completing rehab, sometimes your son or daughter may want further help and should seek out an outpatient program or coaching program to build upon their recovery foundation. At first glance, the wide range of addiction treatment options may seem overwhelming or even foreign to you, but addiction treatment centers can guide you in making the best decision. 

4. Do ask your loved one how you can best support them.

As a parent of an addicted adult son or daughter, you should remind them that you have their best interests in mind and want them to live a long, fulfilling life. Then, ask them what they need from you and offer to help them accordingly (as long as their request is reasonable and will not jeopardize their recovery). Inviting them to offer their input conveys that you respect their boundaries and what they have to say, making them more likely to share their feelings with you in the future.

Sometimes, it may be helpful for parents to be involved in the healing process, but they might not always understand how to best support the addicted adult. Your loved one’s support system should not only include family but also consist of outside individuals with similar experiences. You could suggest that your child join a recovery support group. These are safe environments where your loved one can meet peers whose lives have been impacted by addiction.

5. Do invest in your own recovery.

Self-care is just as important as supporting a loved one’s

To reach Tom Russell, go to https://www.heritagechristiancounselingofmansfield.com.

We never know how long an episode of the Session will run.  Sometimes, we dig deep enough into a topic that it requires more than 1 episode.  That's the case with this topic.  It's split right down the middle.  We talk about the things TO do when parenting the adult child that's an adict.  We'll cover the flip side in the next episode. You'll see notes for both episodes here.

The Session:  Parenting The Adult Addicted Child 

II Timothy 1:7

For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control."

From Mountainside.com

What TO Do  (BOLD lines are a point of emphasis from Tom)

1. Do set boundaries and invite open communication.

Recovering as a family will require speaking with your son or daughter about how their behavior is impacting everyone. If they are acting out at family gatherings or constantly borrowing money from people, this is a sign you need to set a boundary. Creating a boundary may seem challenging at first, but it will ultimately strengthen the relationship between you and your loved one, allowing both of you to start healing.

2. Do address the behavior rather than the person.

Casting judgment on your addicted child will not mend your strained family dynamics, but it’s perfectly reasonable to point out how their actions are affecting you. This statement might look like, “When I see you stay out late at night, I’m worried for your safety.” Focusing on how you feel reduces the chances of confrontation because your emotions are not up for debate. When you are finished sharing your thoughts, remember to listen and try to understand your child’s perspective as well.

3. Do offer to look for support services with them.

Your adult son or daughter struggling with addiction will need emotional support in recovery, starting with yours. One way you can support them is to sit with them and research different treatment programs to see which options best suit their individual needs. Your child may benefit from a medical detox to cleanse their body of substances followed by a drug rehab program to address any underlying psychological issues.

After completing rehab, sometimes your son or daughter may want further help and should seek out an outpatient program or coaching program to build upon their recovery foundation. At first glance, the wide range of addiction treatment options may seem overwhelming or even foreign to you, but addiction treatment centers can guide you in making the best decision. 

4. Do ask your loved one how you can best support them.

As a parent of an addicted adult son or daughter, you should remind them that you have their best interests in mind and want them to live a long, fulfilling life. Then, ask them what they need from you and offer to help them accordingly (as long as their request is reasonable and will not jeopardize their recovery). Inviting them to offer their input conveys that you respect their boundaries and what they have to say, making them more likely to share their feelings with you in the future.

Sometimes, it may be helpful for parents to be involved in the healing process, but they might not always understand how to best support the addicted adult. Your loved one’s support system should not only include family but also consist of outside individuals with similar experiences. You could suggest that your child join a recovery support group. These are safe environments where your loved one can meet peers

To reach Tom Russell, go to https://www.heritagechristiancounselingofmansfield.com.

It's a first of the school year tradition on The Session.  A reminder to parents about the signs of bullying.  We even briefly discuss what to do if you find your child is the bully!

The Session:  7 Christian Tips for Dealing with Bullying

by CRYSTAL MCDOWELL

Psalm 138:7

Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life. You stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes; with your right hand you save me.

1. Recognize bullying behavior when you are aware of it

· By their fruit you will recognize them” (Matthew 7:20)

· Bullying costs a person their possessions, property, peace, or dignity

· It’s a matter of recognizing it and speaking the truth in love. No one is helped when a bully is allowed a free rein of destruction. It may mean reporting them to the police, or someone capable of protecting the innocent

2. Seek wisdom from God on how to deal with it

· “For the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding” (Proverbs 2:6)

· Responding in your flesh or carnal nature will be the easiest, yet most unspiritual way of dealing with a bully. Sometimes your past interactions with bullies will make you more defensive and reactive instead of you being thoughtfully proactive in the Spirit. Seeking wisdom from God leaves no lingering regret and plenty of room for grace. Wisdom nurtures a willing heart and an open mind to draw a bully towards a spirit of repentance.

3.  Free Yourself from the temptation of sin

1.    Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath” (Romans 12:19)

2.    Forgiving the bully isn’t excusing their behavior or allowing them to continue in their abusiveness. Rather, it’s more about your heart than theirs. Your heart needs to remain free from bitterness, revenge, or the need for retribution. The Lord will take care of all revenge

3.    Forgiving the bully isn’t excusing their behavior or allowing them to continue in their abusiveness. Rather, it’s more about your heart than theirs. Your heart needs to remain free from bitterness, revenge, or the need for retribution. The Lord will take care of all revenge

4. Resist the urge to ignore or delay action

· “Now, Lord our God, deliver us from his hand, so that all the kingdoms of the earth may know that you alone, Lord, are God” (2 Kings 19:19)

5. Search out advice from other courageous believers

· “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed” (Proverbs 15:22)

· The body of Christ needs to build a fort of protection around the weaker believers so that their faith in God isn’t destroyed by the actions of bullies.

6. Take action when prompted by the Holy Spirit  

· “Each one should test their own actions” (Galatians 6:4)

· There’s no one way to deal with a bully. Every situation can be unique because of the bully, the person being victimized, and the situation surrounding the events.

7. Pray for the bully’s salvation and deliverance 

· “But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven” (Matthew 5:44-45)

· Regardless of your actions—the bully isn’t your real enemy. Your enemy is Satan and he will use anyone to get your eyes off of God’s love. Keeping a prayerful attitude about a particular bully will keep you sensitive and aware of their lost soul or their need to grow up in the faith

To reach Tom Russell, go to https://www.heritagechristiancounselingofmansfield.com.

There's at least one family in every church, maybe more.  One of their children has "left their faith".  Some would call them "the prodigal".  No matter what you call it, there is hope!  And that's what we are sharing today.

The Session: 5 Ways to Maintain a Relationship with a Child Who Has Left the Faith

From Michelle S. Lazurek

Romans 8:38-39    (Parents, Rest Assured)

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

According to Barna research, “three out of every five young Christians (59%) disconnect either permanently or for an extended period of time from church life after age 15.” This can be devastating for both parent and child. Parents can feel like failures because their children didn’t embrace their faith and leave a legacy for the next generations.

Scott’s first take away and note of encouragement.  YOU AREN’T ALONE.  THERE ARE PROBABLY OTHERS IN YOUR CHURCH WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED THE SAME THING.

5 Ways to Help When Your Child Has Left the Faith

The most obvious and clear thing to do….Pray for them

· Prayer is perhaps the best weapon you have in bringing restoration to a broken relationship.

· Although God’s will is that no one should perish, he never forces it on anyone. The pain of free will is that people are free to make their own choices.

Affirm Them

· While you may not like their choices, they are still your child and need to hear your encouraging words.  For Scott, this was with his cousin, who decided to be gay and enter into a “civil union” in Michigan.

· Celebrate their accomplishments and successes. Help them understand your love is not predicated on what they do but that you love them simply for who they are. 

Understand Them

· Instead of lecturing them or dispensing advice, have a heart-to-heart with them. Take them to their favorite restaurant or coffee shop and seek to simply listen. Practice active listening by not only hearing them but understanding them.

Set the Example

· Don’t stop living out your beliefs because they don’t want anything to do with faith. Keep living with your faith as the main focus and center of your life.

· Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect…” (1 Peter 3:15). 

Welcome Them

· In the parable of the lost son, the father doesn’t chase after his prodigal son. He lets him go off to live his life as he wants to, on his own terms. Despite knowing what was best, he let his son come to that conclusion and return to him when he wanted

To reach Tom Russell, go to https://www.heritagechristiancounselingofmansfield.com.

How is it that teenagers seem to be able to stay up until all hours?  It's NOT a good thing.  This week, we talk about why on The Session.

Psalm 4:8:  In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety.

From Health Day.com:

Studies shows that if you can get teens to go to bed earlier, they will increase their time asleep by 41 minutes for each additional hour in bed.

Dr. Ian Campbell from UC Irvine, said as children enter adolescence, changes in sleep and circadian rhythms make it easy for teens to stay awake longer at night. Less sleep results in daytime sleepiness, poor school performance, and behavioral and mental health problems.

Dr. Sanjeev Kothare, chief of pediatric neurology at Cohen Children's Medical Center in New Hyde Park, N.Y. said 90% of the time it's not only biological, but also environment.”

Dr. Kothare also said the circadian shift happens (in adolescence) but, unfortunately, all the electronics and social media and the technology keeps teens occupied for longer durations.”

From Focus on Family

Just how much is adequate sleep? It varies from person to person, but research suggests that the average teen needs at least 8.5 to 9.25 hours of sleep each night. Unfortunately, only about 15 percent of them are getting that much. About one fourth of the teen population gets 6.5 hours of sleep or less.

Focus on the Family also reports; It should come as no surprise that inadequate sleep can hurt a student’s academic performance. Drowsiness at school is linked to lower grades. And sleepiness can lead to more tragic results when a teenager is behind the wheel. Young drivers (under age 25) are involved in more than half of the 100,000 automobile crashes every year directly related to fatigue, lapses in attention, and delayed response time associated with drowsiness.

Focus on the Family Tips:

1.     Help your teen establish regular times for going to bed and getting up. When he deviates from his normal schedule (as on weekends), he should avoid delaying bedtime by more than an hour and waking more than two hours later than usual.

2.     Help your teen determine how much sleep he actually needs in order to feel refreshed and ready to start the day. Remember that this is different for each person.

3.     Getting into bright light as soon as possible in the morning and avoiding it in the evening is wise at any age. Light signals the brain that it’s time to be awake.

4.     Once your teen knows his body’s rhythm, he should try to adjust his schedule so that he is engaged in activities that are best suited to his level of alertness. In other words, he shouldn’t drive or attend lectures when he tends to be sleepy.

5.     Discourage the consumption of caffeine in the afternoon. It can interfere with nighttime sleeping patterns.

6.     Keep televisions, computers, and mobile devices out of your teen’s bedroom. Their late-night use is a regular cause of sleep loss for young people.

7.     Encourage your teen to relax and avoid stimulating activities before going to bed

8.      Examine your own sleep habits and try to set a good example. Do you burn the candle at both ends and then fight drowsiness much of the time? If so, make whatever changes are necessary to model the healthy sleeping patterns you want your son to imitate.

To reach Tom Russell, go to https://www.heritagechristiancounselingofmansfield.com.

How do our kids learn how to behave around the opposite sex?  How do you as a parent develop a strong relationship with your child?  The Mother-Son/Daddy-Daughter Date!

Proverbs 1:8

Hear, my son, your father’s instruction And do not forsake your mother’s teaching;

A Mothers Love for Her Son

· Love is patient even when explaining the same thing for the hundredth time.

· Love is kind when family members are sick and can’t care for themselves.

· Love doesn’t want what others have or promote itself, and it teaches children to do the same.

· Your mother’s love seeks to bring honor, not dishonor to your children and spouse. You bite your tongue when you know your temper is short and forgive an unlimited number of times.

Christianity Today’s article:

Little Girls Need Their Daddy.” Billy (Graham) was away from home more than not. The article quotes Billy’s oldest daughter, Gigi, and his youngest, Ruth:

· Gigi: “It’s very difficult for me to separate who he was as a person and as a father. He belonged to the world. But I do remember crying in the bathtub, wishing I had a normal daddy.”

· Ruth: “He parented me from a distance. . . . He loved us, but he just wasn’t around.” Looking back, Ruth says, her remarrying quickly after her first divorce, against her parents’ wishes, was because “I was just so eager for someone to take care of me.”

· Gigi: “A lot of my insecurities came from the fact that he just wasn’t there.”

· Ruth: “I have a lot of insecurities and lack of self-confidence perhaps because little girls need their daddy. . . . They say your view of God is shaped by your view of your father. I guess I saw God that way — that he loved me, but that he was busy with more important things.”

Perhaps you would say, with Billy Graham’s daughters, with tears in your eyes, “Yes, little girls need their daddy. Little girls need a mommy’s specific love and kindness, a mommy’s way of nourishing and cherishing. And little girls need a daddy’s specific love and kindness, a daddy’s way of nourishing and cherishing.”

Mark 5:41:  Taking her by the hand He said to her, “Talitha cumi” which means, “Little girl, I say to you, arise.”

Little girl” (verse 41) are expressions of a tender, affectionate, even protective fatherly heart.

To reach Tom Russell, go to https://www.heritagechristiancounselingofmansfield.com.